But, if you don't mind, I'd like to make a few constructive criticisms:
You do sometimes slip into metaphors which are unintentionally anti-gay - you mention buggery, and use words like "Fruity-ass". I know for certain there is not a homophobic atom in your body, so you might want to review some of your language.
I still think that putting on voices doesn't work - it sounds too "put on". Your own voice is simply perfect for this kind of medium - why distort it?
I also wonder about the pacing. You start off fierce, but then mellow out a bit (well, relatively - it is always you). It may make more of a point if you ramp things up towards the end.
But other than that, you have a real talent. You make Pat Condell sound like a wimpering softy, and you deal with the real issues.
Hmm, as for the opening buggery reference, that was more an allusion to rape, than anything particularly gay. The system "rapes", everyone, and everyone has a butt, y'know?
As for "fruity ass",...okay, guilty, I guess I just had "The Jerky Boys", still stuck in my head from my teen years, and it subliminally popped in there.
I dunno, I thought I had a good froth going toward the end, but I "mellowed", cuz that very last bit gets kinda sad, and that's the mood I wrote it in, and still feel reading it back.
I matched my outer voice to my inner writing voice. If something still seems "put on", then I'm fucked.
5 comments:
Bloody brilliant Mike!
It was a good read, but it's ten times better hearing you do it.
I would gush on and on, but I already said it all to you, so you know what I think.
More...moRe!
Sharon
Doesn't work here. Can you put it on youtube or something?
Really excellent, and very enjoyable.
But, if you don't mind, I'd like to make a few constructive criticisms:
You do sometimes slip into metaphors which are unintentionally anti-gay - you mention buggery, and use words like "Fruity-ass". I know for certain there is not a homophobic atom in your body, so you might want to review some of your language.
I still think that putting on voices doesn't work - it sounds too "put on". Your own voice is simply perfect for this kind of medium - why distort it?
I also wonder about the pacing. You start off fierce, but then mellow out a bit (well, relatively - it is always you). It may make more of a point if you ramp things up towards the end.
But other than that, you have a real talent. You make Pat Condell sound like a wimpering softy, and you deal with the real issues.
You really do have a great voice.
(Previous post removed for editing)
Steve-
Well, thanks for the positives. :)
Hmm, as for the opening buggery reference, that was more an allusion to rape, than anything particularly gay.
The system "rapes", everyone, and everyone has a butt, y'know?
As for "fruity ass",...okay, guilty, I guess I just had "The Jerky Boys", still stuck in my head from my teen years, and it subliminally popped in there.
I dunno, I thought I had a good froth going toward the end, but I "mellowed", cuz that very last bit gets kinda sad, and that's the mood I wrote it in, and still feel reading it back.
I matched my outer voice to my inner writing voice.
If something still seems "put on", then I'm fucked.
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