Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I h8 the 90's (part 2)

Slightly better lineup on this one...

1990

Misery

The hits keep rolling in from Meathead.

Supermarket Sweep

Meh.

Bell Biv DeVoe's "Poison"

Crap.

Fanny packs

Geez, I used to roll my eyes at these things, now I fucking got one.
Well, until I find a better utility belt substitute....

Nelson

Meh.
Maybe rock did need to die for awhile.

2 Live Crew

Couple of the cute girls in high school thought these guys were the shit.
I thought they were hacks.
I was into real comedians, man, I couldn't fucking pretend shitty raps were good just because they had swears.
Too nerdy for my own good.
Could never play along with the dumb shit everyone was into, even to get laid.
Couldn't physically do it.
Can't compromise my standards.
It fucks me over endlessly, but I still can't do it.
So I'll be a monk...*shrug*
Least I won't have to sit through Pretty Woman, and 2 Live Crew records.

MTV Unplugged

Meh.
Couple good ones, mostly shit.

Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract"

Pablum.

Dolphin-safe tuna

Oh, yeah, the hippies would pitch a fit for fucking dolphins, but when it came to preventing the horrors of mankind that were coming, they'd've rather listened to Hole and smoke bongs.
Fuck you, gen-x.
Piece of crap.

James "Buster" Douglas' defeat of Mike Tyson

Good for him.

Days of Thunder

*Bored middle finger*

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

*Eye roll*

Dick Tracy and Madonna's "Vogue"

Two fevered bimbo egos fucking.
Big surprise.
But howcome when two stars fuck, they always make a shitty movie?

Oh, and fuck vogue.
Fuck every dopey secretary named Debbie/Kathy/Vicky who bought the tape.

Moscow gets its first McDonald's

Oh, yay, after these poor economically ruined people fuck their own sisters and/or grannies in a porno for a check, they can have a fucking happy meal to catch their tears of shame.

Cop Rock

Another viral mutation towards "Glee".
*Sad head shake*

Caller ID

Killed crank calling.
Except for Jerky Boys, Crank Yankers, etc, etc...

Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall and Kindergarten Cop

Total Recall still holds up as some nice cyberpunk.
Also, I stand by that "Twins", is Arnold's one good comedy.

1991

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Costner's Robin Hood...Richard Gere's Lancelot...make it stop...make the hurting stop..

Planet Hollywood

So..it was like, The Hard Rock Cafe, but with movie shit, instead of rock shit?
Ate at Hard Rock Cafe, it sucked.
Therefore, by transitive property...

David Duke's political career

I shouldn't have been surprised by this.

Public Enemy and Anthrax's "Bring Tha Noize"

Doesn't ring a bell...

Lollapalooza

The Woodstock of alterna-crap, right?
Yeah, no thanks.

Jungle Fever

Spike Lee was/is a lucky hack who got good at his craft on the dime of the American public.

Soviet Union goes out of existence

The fear of them as a boogeyman never took for me.
Well, said it on my rant on GI Joe the whole jingo package never took for me period.

Anyway, I just hoped their people would be free and happy, and I thought even back then, the US should have had some kind of Marshall Plan to make sure they evolved the way we wanted...but...we just sorta left 'em to fester, then we have the nerve to act surprised about the mess they have now.
I'm never listened to.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

I was blown away by the effects then, but with enough years of hindsight, I think the first one is the superior film.

Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game"

Meh. Just this side of listenable.

The Atlanta Braves Tomahawk Chop controversy

Too stupid to care about.

Starter Jackets/Pagers

Had no interest in either.

Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Give It Away"

PPPT.
*Thumbs down*

Wilt Chamberlain's A View From Above

Oh, right, his fuck-confession book.
Who cares?
Stupid gossipy people I guess.

Extreme's "More Than Words"

My dad dug this for some reason.

Rugrats

Holy crap, did the voice actors for this ever have job security...

Cape Fear

Meh...

1992

The Crying Game

Didn't see it.
So..the big shock was the chick had a dick, right?
And the rest of the movie was some boring shit about the IRA...
Yeah, what the hell is in that that I'd want to see?
Pass.

American Gladiators

Meh.
Bill Hicks saw this as some big sign of the fall of civilization or something, but it came and went pretty quick.
They revived it for awhile, didn't seem to take.

Thighmaster

Yeah, yeah, Suzanne Sommers flexed her snoosh on TV, get over it.

House of Pain's "Jump Around"

Bleh.

Singles

Asscrap.

Studs

More asscrap.

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

Another huckster getting rich off mind-blowingly stupid people.
Oprah paraded every last one of these guys through her fetid little show.
Then as a nation, we have to pretend she's some kind of hero for some reason.
No, Richard Pryor was some kind of hero.
Literally.

Mr. Big's "To Be With You"

PPPt.

The nicotine patch

Good idea.
Hasn't saved anyone I know.

Bill Clinton says he "didn't inhale"

Didn't care.
Still don't.

Body Count's "Cop Killer"

I agree with this product or service.

Mad About You

Didn't watch, didn't care.
More boomer shit.

George H.W. Bush vomits on Japan's prime minister

Gorgeous.
International politics was never this entertaining before or since.

Larry Bird retires

Had no effect on my life.

Sinéad O'Connor rips a picture of the Pope on Saturday Night Live

Good for her.
She was right.
I knew it then.
I'm not going to hold my breath on anyone breaking their back for an apology though.

A League of Their Own

Eh...

Teen Talk Barbie

Oh, right, the one that said "math is hard"?
Well, it fucking is.
Seriously though, what did you expect Barbie to say?
She's insipid.
It's the point of her.

Euro Disneyland

Yeah, the Frenchies shit their pants over this, but The Beast won in the end, didn't it?

Northern Exposure

Pretentious limosuine liberal claptrap.
From boomer assholes.
With a touch of racism.
I mean, the only two Native American characters are essentially retarded.
Oh, how cute.
*Eyeroll*
Hideous television.

White Men Can't Jump

Didn't see it, ain't ever gonna.

1993

Cliffhanger

Pretty good thriller.
Stallone could still deliver.

Energizer Bunny

Stupid ad campaign, whaddya want?
*Shrug*

The Proclaimers' "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"

Bleh.

The Chicken Soup For The Soul series

The author of this shit looks like the guy from "Saw".
Just sayin...

The U.S. military's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy

And after 12 years of Reagan/Bush, Democrats came back, and reminded me of their disgusting spinelessness.
So, they all make me sick.

Mrs. Doubtfire

Asscrap.
Every gender-bender that isn't "Tootsie", has been asscrap.

Radiohead's "Creep"

Yeah, yeah, this was all right, but jump ahead to '97, Radiohead single-handedly saved music itself from the abyss with "Ok Computer".
Thank you, Radiohead.
Much appreciated.

Monica Seles gets stabbed

I'm actually surprised this doesn't happen MORE with how overblown sports events are.

Paintball

Ass.

Falling Down

A fun little film.
I always forget Michael Douglas made this.

Cypress Hill's "Insane in the Brain"

Meh.
Kid on a playground could've thought of it.

What's Eating Gilbert Grape

Pretty damned good.

Leprechaun

Never saw it, never will.
Good to see Warwick Davis get work, anyway.

Great Flood of 1993

Geez, there's so many fucking floods, I can't keep track...

Frank Sinatra's Duets

Meh.

Animaniacs

Cute little show.
Finally something that wasn't insulting to children.
Lotta my teenage friends were into it too.

Zima

For girls and gay guys.

True Romance

Seen this just recently.
Wow!
How in the hell did I miss this?
It would've changed everything.
Dammit...

1994

The Wonderbra

People acted like this was going to bring about world peace or something.
It's just a tit-sling, folks.

Anna Nicole Smith marries J. Howard Marshall

A bimbo, and a rich carcass, a story as old as time.
Why so shocked, America?

Tales From The Crypt

I didn't have HBO anymore, so, missed out on a lot of these until FOX got the reruns.

The Cranberries

Myeh..

The Club

Doesn't ring a bell, Wiki ain't helping me, so, fuck it.

Michael Fay's caning

Good on him.

Benedictine Monks' Chant

Meh.
Hey, y'know who did the whole "quiet music in a bookstore", thing that didn't suck?
Enya.
There, I worked her in, Alexandra, happy? ;)

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

Yeah, this is the one that had Zod as a tranny.
Oh yeah, and the guy from The Matrix.

Models, Inc.

Turd.

Warehouse clubs

The only way to shop.

Beck's "Loser"

Yep, had just graduated, and gone to work at Unum, so it's pretty much how I felt about my existence by then.

New York Rangers win the Stanley Cup

Don't care.

Blues Traveler

Eh.

Clerks

I liked this.
I don't like everything by Kevin smith, and as a person, he can rub me the wrong way sometimes, but..this was good.

Tony Little

Creepy guy...it's like he's half midget or something, what is up with this guy?

Counting Crows

Look, the music scene was mediocre, okay?
Why do I have to be punished with every shitty band?

Ricola

'Nother stupid ad campagn, get over it.

Natural Born Killers

Ahhh, finally another good movie.
They were spaced so far apart.

1995

The Usual Suspects

Meh.

Fashion Café

Ah, the models went the Hard Rock/Planet Hollywood rout, right?
Couldn't care less.

Shaggy's "Boombastic"

Cute ditty, nothing awesome.
Even the good stuff was mediocre.

NewsRadio

Fun little show.
Alas, Phil Hartman.
Far as fun little shows go, we didn't get a lot of these in the 90's.
Seinfeld was good.
I'm told Larry Sanders was great, but it was on fuckin' HBO.
There was MST3K, but I missed the entire original Joel run, cuz our shitty cable service stubbornly refused to let us have Comedy Central all through the 90's for some inexplicable reason.
Caught up on syndicated reruns, and tapes though.
...y'know, I'd forgotten what a dick move that was by our cable company...I hate their rotten stinking guts all over again.
It wasn't like they couldn't afford new channels either, they gave us new ones, they were just utter shit, like the religion channels.
"Yeah, you yokels can't handle funny, here's some Jesus shit instead".
Fuuuuck yoouu!

Species

Alien is a million times better.

Psychic Friends Network

Hideous huckster bullshit.
There'll always be one of these abominations running in our stupid culture.

Starbucks

Ditto.
They're finally getting slaughtered by Dunkin though.
Who the hell ever imagined I'd be rooting for the big chain.

Mallrats

Seen bits of it, wasn't impressed.
One of the Kevin smith's I didn't care for.

Se7en

Meh, second-string to stuff like "silence of the lambs".

Newt Gingrich vs. women in the military

Newt was just dumb, wasn't worth getting into a tizzy over.

The hemp debate

What debate? Pot still ain't legal.

Montell Jordan's "This Is How We Do It"

More mediocre crap.

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar

The other drag movie.
*Yawns*

Babydoll dresses

*Shrug*

Moviefone

Never used it.

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

Three degrees of Robert Englund goes quicker.

O.J. Simpson murder trial

Said it before, fuck O.J.

1996

Kerri Strug

The new Mary Lou Retton, I guess.
Too young for me.

The Crocodile Hunter

Kinda knew he was gonna bite the big one someday.

Romeo + Juliet

Oh, yeah, the Claire Danes one.
Hey, who knew T3 was gonna end up being a Claire Danes showcase?
Her whole career is kinda fucked up, when ya think about it.

The Caesar haircut

Jackass.
Not mullet level jackass, but up there.

Jeff Foxworthy's redneck routine

Meh.
Ron White gatling guns those other "blue collar", guys off the stage.

Busta Rhymes' "Woo Hah!! Got You All in Check"

*Eye roll*

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee's sex tape

Y'know what?
Haven't seen it.
Can't imagine people I'd like to see fuck less.

Deion "Primetime" Sanders

*Shrug*

The deaths of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G.

Yeah...it is kinda fucked up how the cops haven't hardly looked into this...

While I'm at it, Courtney Love probably killed Kurt Cobain.
So there, that's said.
Probably gonna turn up dead now.

Jenny McCarthy

If things had been a little bit different, she could have been the new Lucille Ball.
Now, she's the anti-vax show pony.
Alas.

David Crosby fathers Melissa Etheridge's kid

Good for them, get over it.

R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly"

Pee!

The Unabomber

Go out on the far-right blogosphere, and this guy is pretty garden variety.

Michael Flatley

Jackass.

7th Heaven

Feces.

Evita

Punishingly terrible.
The very idea of it....
The girlfriend of a fascist dictator from a country that proudly hid Nazis?
You suck, Argentina.
In my world, you don't get a musical.
Kiss my ass.
Oh, and then stack Madonna onto the whole sad sorry mess...blaugh.

1997

Air Force One

Saw it, didn't retain it...

Kenny G breaks the world record for longest note held

Don't care.
Fuck anything Kenny G does.

Meredith Brooks' "Bitch"

Played to death.

"Death" of Joe Camel

Ronald McDonald should have been strangled to death in front of children as well.

Con Air

Barely remember it.
There's two plane movies I didn't give a shit about.

The beginning of ratings for TV shows (e.g. "TV-MA", "TV-14", "TV-PG")

Oh man....I think they're an obtrusive waste.
Far from giving people the freedom to make more "MA", shows I think we have as much, if not MORE watered down pablum, and the handful of edgy shows, are on networks that would've taken those risks anyway.
So, we've just got more electronic garbage cluttering our screens.
Really, it's digital litter.
And people that NEED that shit for reassurance...are fucking pussies.
No fucking grown-ass adult needs a TV-G show.
And no kid above 7 worth anything doesn't want a TV-MA show.
And no parent worth a damn should keep them from it.
It's all a stupid political game.

Marcy Playground's "Sex and Candy"

Monotonous.

Latrell Sprewell chokes his coach and Marv Albert bites his girlfriend

Sports assholes.
Who cares?
You make a society where grown men become millionaires for playing children's games, this is what you get.

The death of Chris Farley

I saw it coming.
Every time he did a routine on Conan or something, he looked like he was about to have a cardiac event.
*Sad sigh*

Just Shoot Me

Lame.

Mary Kay Letourneau

She married that kid she fucked.
There's been legions of these female pedophiles since this.
Society...hasn't learned much..
There was even a South Park making fun of how when it's woman-on-boy, the attitude is "niiice!".

The WNBA

So, people with vaginas will play a sport I found agonizingly dull in high school, and get big checks for it?
Whippidy doo.

Sugar Ray's "Fly"

Played to death, but tolerable.

Starship Troopers

Fun flick.
Paul Verhoven specialized in those for awhile.

Pokémon

Bite my ass.

Barbie and Paula Jones get makeovers

Fuck 'em.

G.I. Jane

Meh.

Titanic

Fuuu-uh-uh-uh-uuuuuuck yooouuu-oo-oo-oo-ooohhh!!!!!!


1998

Godzilla

Poo-poo.

Ginger Spice leaves the Spice Girls

Aaaand they were over.

Alanis Morissette's "Thank U"

Worst thing she ever did.

Raves

Burn 'em all down.

Blade

First one wasn't bad.
This began the upward trend of Marvel properties at last.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Hated it.
It got a bit better when they got out of high school.
I never liked the actual character of Buffy though, liked Willow better.
And again, only when they got out of high school.
That last couple of seasons.
Well, except for the very last season.
There's only a very little window of Buffy I can stand.
And again, not the character herself.
Not a high recommendation, is it?

Lay's WOW chips

Fecal.
Literally.

Mad cow disease

Wheee!!!
Life gets dangerous!

Urban Legend

Well....it had Robert Englund...*shrug*

Gary Coleman punches a fan

Good for him.
We should all have this moment.

MTV's guest VJ Jesse Camp

Twerp.

Pras' "Ghetto Supastar (That Is What You Are)"

Total ripoff of Dolly Parton's "islands in the stream".
So...kiss my ass.

The Waterboy

Yeah...not one of Sandler's...better...flicks...*cough*...

Behind the Music

Geez, these got depressing.
Everyone was a loser junkie idiot with a crooked manager.

The Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up"

Was not aware of this at the time.
Don't think I would have cared.

Naomi Campbell throws a cell phone at an assistant

So?
This stupid shit needs to be rememebered a decade later?

El Niño

*Shrug*
Weather.
What am I supposed to say?

Run Lola Run

Didn't see it.
Looks overhyped.

1999

Freaks and Geeks

Never watched it.

Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines

...I thought the Chris Gaines songs weren't all that bad...*shrug*

TRL

The gaping mouth of the sewage river.

Jay-Z's "Hard Knock Life"

Lame.

Emeril Lagasse

His orange shit is good on chicken.

Red Bull

*Shrug* they don't do anything to me.
Maybe I needed more of it cuz I'm big.

Lance Armstrong

So...this guy rides bikes and lost a nut, so he's supposed to be my idol?
Fuck you.
Try again.
Gimme a real goddamned hero.
Greedy?
Fuckin' right I am.

This is what sickened me most about the 90's the mediocrity in everything.
It wasn't just shitty music, and shitty movies, hardly anyone tried hard in anything.
No one wanted to make the world better, no one wanted to be a hero, not for real.
No, everyone got all complacent, and despised excellence, that's why people suddenly hated rock stars, and that's why we got fucking grunge.
Everyone wanted the mediocre.
Cuz it was easy, and everyone wanted to take it easy.
Well, I fucking didn't.
I thought,...well, like I ranted before, that my generation would want to follow up the good things the boomers did, and be like, yippies, y'know?
Nope...pure self absorption.
Wallowing in mediocrity.
Especially in thought.
I thought some of the post-modern stuff my friends were into was maybe like...some kind of rebellious statement that was leading somewhere.
It wasn't.
They stood for nothing.
It all stood for nothing.
And then I thought...maybe there was some sophisticated philosophy behind this bullshit I just wasn't getting...
There wasn't.
It was just pure lazy apathy.
Then I really was lost.
I didn't know how to cope with a world like that.
I tried to do my stupid little jobs, but it was all so fucking pointless.

So...then a Lance Armstrong comes along, and I can see why people would want a hero of some kind...but..no, I ain't lowering my standards.

The guy rides bikes well, good for him, but he didn't save a busload of orphans, did he?

Gimme real heroes, or get out of my fucking face.

Matthew McConaughey's public nudity

Get over it.

Cruel Intentions

No intentions of seeing it.

Limp Bizkit

Utter garbage.

SpongeBob SquarePants

Cute, but it ain't no "Ren & Stimpy".

The Tom Green Show

Doofy.

Win Ben Stein's Money

Ben Stein is a horrid little man.

Being John Malkovich

Okay, this was adequately weird, and therefore good.

Varsity Blues

Sawk eet.

Well, there, my Lance Armstrong rant said it all.

Fuck the 90's.
I tried.

There was some good there, but boy, was it spread thin.
Or, maybe it just wasn't on these shitty lists.
Yeah, more likely.

I mean, look, it was all the shitty American mainstream, there was no reference to anime, or what was going on with games, and that was the shit I was totally immersed in in the late 90's.

And of course, Radiohead finally became themselves in '97.

And the internet was becoming itself.

Yeah, there was a cool 90's after all.

These lists just don't represent it.





Read More......

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I h8 the 90's (part 1)

So, now we get up to the 90's....

Whelp, after the 80's, I was 14, and was well more cognizant of that the new decade was coming.
Unlike, 1980, when I was just 4 heading towards 5.

I was all excited.
What incredible things were in store?
Surely it would be futuristic, and amazing!
...yeeah...weelll...

Okay, looking these entries over so far, I notice there was a lot of cool subversive adult stuff I missed out on in the 70's, and there was a lot of trash I glossed over in my memory from the 80's, and it all sort of balances out.

And being able to stand back, and look at all of it from the omniscient perch of hindsight, I see there was really TWO 70's, and TWO 80's going on.

There was the 70's of Kiss, and slime, and Wacky Packages, and The Warriors, and Taxi Driver, and Dawn Of The Dead, and Alice Cooper, and Frank Zappa, and SNL...and then there was the dopey 70's of Tony Orlando, and "disco duck", and "you light up my life"...and the dopey 70's is the one the media foists as history.

Ditto the 80's, there was the 80's of Garbage Pail Kids, and Gremlins, and Max Headroom, and Morton Downey, and Richard Belzer, and Wes Craven, and Frank Zappa again...and then the dopey 80's of "just say no", and "valley girl", and leg warmers.
And the dopey 80's is what the media crams down your throat as history.

And the dopey 70's and 80's...that just sold more product, is all.
It's a marketing thing.

Well, it's like how when you bother to investigate, the 50's wasn't really one big christian-Republican sock-hop.

So, maybe there was this thread running through, of a cool version of EVERY fucking decade.
And maybe it's this running thread, that goes beyond decades.
Maybe this thread is what REALLY marks time.

And this brings me back to the first entry, of sensing at 4-5 that these little number sequences were meaningless.

So, maybe I have to be better about tuning into that for everything.
So, I'll give it a shot with the 90's, even though on the first pass, I found them quite loathsome culturally.

So...here comes the human sequenced chunk of time that got me from ages 15-24.

From high school, to just before TrekBBS.

Here goes...

1990

Pretty Woman

Really?
We fucking start with this?
Shit...

Well, I always thought it looked like insufferable garbage just from the stupid trailers, so I studiously avoided it.

BUT...man....it made like a zillion bucks, hung on in the theaters for-fucking-ever, and every critic, even ones I normally respect, cummed all over the fucking thing, like it was the rebirth of movies.

This thing had the planet in its fucking grip, it was unreal.

Well, I finally saw it for free on regular-ass TV in the 00's...and I was right, what utter shit.
What utter, utter, shit.
Americans are really fuckin' stupid.
There's no escaping it.

Richard Gere, as stated in prior entries, is a fucking trout.

Julia Roberts is the Madonna of actresses, overrated as shit, and shoved in your face
(although, she's finally faded in recent years in favor of Jennifer Anniston, whom I actually like, even if a lot of her movies are ass).

Their chemistry in this is just horrible, you'd sooner watch a bear fuck a bison carcass.

Just horrible.
There's nothing good here at all.
An unmitigated piece of shit from start to finish.
What the fuck is wrong with Americans?

I'll give it that it was the most relentlessly marketed piece of shit I've seen in my life.
Never before or since have I seen something exist solely on the merits of its ad campaign like fucking Pretty Woman.
No...there were probably others I'm blotting from immediate recall....

Still....fuck, America....you really do like to have people think for you, doncha?
Fuck.
*Head shake*

Twin Peaks

Didn't fall for it and get sucked in.

"Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinéad O'Connor

Some Sinead goes in the ear nice.
No complaints.
Wouldn't buy the album, but if it pops up on classic radio....

Marion Barry scandal

Fuck him.

Ghost

Well....it had the killer, and the embezzling weasel getting impaled, and the demons at the end...that was something....and Whoopi didn't suck in movies.
Standup, not so much.
She stole her whole act from Richard, you know.
Lock, stock, and barrel, and without shame.
So...anyway, mixed bag on Ghost.

Jack Kevorkian's controversial suicide technique

I agree with Kevorkian.
Scientifically, and ethically.

"The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground

Fun.
One of the good raps.

MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice

Eh...
Early Hammer, fun...Vanilla Ice, always foolish to me...especially once he started opening his mouth in interviews.
In hindsight, coulda survived just fine without either of 'em.

The Forbidden Dance and Lambada

Shove it.

"How Am I Supposed to Live Without You" by Michael Bolton

Black hole of talent.
The Pretty Woman of music careers.
Just insufferable shit.
What the fuck is wrong with people that they buy this shit?

"I've fallen and I can't get up!" commercials

Lame.

"Groove Is in the Heart" by Deee-Lite

Yes, jiggle for me Bootsie....hehhh...

Provocative ads for Guess

*Waves hand like brushing away eraser dust, or waving away gnats*

Dances with Wolves

Oh, man, this is when Kostner started making everything 3-4 hours long, and acting like every flick he made cured cancer.
Another fucking trout.

In Living Color

Fun show, miss it.

"Hold On" by Wilson Phillips

Meh, audio wallpaper.

Edward Scissorhands

The Johnny Depp & Tim Burton marriage begins.

Slap bracelets

Dumb.

Goodfellas

Haven't seen it all the way through...seen a good sized chunk though, it's okay..nothing stellar...it ain't no Scarface or Taxi Driver or nothin...*shrug*
Fuckin' dopey critics acted like it was the next fucking Godfather or somethin.
But, critics liked Pretty woman, so, fuck 'em.

1991

Beverly Hills, 90210

No, I take it back, the 90's were really fucking repellant.
This piece of shit was on for like, 14 years or something, and now it's back as a remake with no signs of ever stopping.
Way to go, viewing public.
Congratulations on your incredible taste.
Dipshits.

Boyz n the Hood

This is actually one of the better gangsta flicks.
Actually pretty decent.

The Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill sexual harassment hearings

Fuck him.
Fuck Bush for picking him.
Fuck the shit he's doing now.
Fuck everything.
Fuck you.

Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and the rise of grunge music

Early grunge was actually cool, then Cobain offed himself, and it degraded into that c-string Blind Melon-y whiny hippie shit.
And like I ranted previously (headbanger's ball) you weren't allowed to like metal, it was just ripped out of the marketplace.
You were just TOLD this was what was "in".
Like, they couldn't co-exist?
Fucking rap co-existed.
What the fuck?

New Jack City

Didn't see it.

Color Me Badd

Didn't listen.

The "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?" commercial

Annoying jackassery.
Like most advertising, really.

Gerardo's "Rico Suave"

Funny.

Thelma & Louise

A glistening turd pounded out into America's grateful mouth.
For shame, Geena, you're in MENSA, you know better.

Family Matters

Yeah, fuck off.

Pee-Wee Herman caught masturbating

I ranted about this after the Rob Lowe deal.
Total hypocrisy, injustice, you name it.
Culture warrior horseshit.
Sons of bitches railroaded him, from cops, to news-zombies.
And no one said a thing.
Too busy buying that fifth Pretty Woman ticket I guess.

Super Bowl XXV

Don't care.
You bump Pee-Wee off the TV, you flood the FM band with Michael Bolton, and you make Julia Roberts a star, and then I gotta be nice to your fucking sports games?
Fuck you, America.

Metallica's "Enter Sandman"

Okay, there we go, some fun music to antidote the pain.
Good riffs on this one.
Course, these guys turned into real assholes, but...that was later.

Point Break

Turd.
Got used to comic effect on "Hot Fuzz", though, so it paid out eventually.

C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)"

*Eye roll*

Rollerblades

Okay, these were neat.
Glad they finally caved on "rollerblades".
They were never going to be called "in-line skates", by the mainstream, get over it.

Garth Brooks

*Grumble*

The Silence of the Lambs

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This fucking saved 1991.

1992

Wayne's World

Great.

Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco

Fuck everyone involved, and fuck the media for bringing us this pathetic soap.

Billy Ray Cyrus's "Achy Breaky Heart"

The Cyrus virus.
Poor Bill Hicks.
He hated on Billy Ray Cyrus so hard, and he hated on Debbie Gibson, and Tiffany...
If he knew, that Cyrus would breed a little she-demon singer of that ilk, as well as outliving him, I don't think he could have gone on.
We were fucking warned.
*Sigh*

Ross Perot

Elections have never been so much fun before or since.

Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy"

Funny.

Fabio

Not funny.

The Real World

The beast is born.
Things are never the same.
Mediocrity holds an iron grip forevermore.

Woody Allen marries his stepdaughter

What is it with these wunderkind that become these creepy old men?
Allen, Welles, Brando, they start out so idealist, and hip, and then...something changes, and they just become these selfish creeps.
Ick.
Fuck Woody Allen, and fuck his armies of dick lickers.
I liked that one bit in Annie Hall, and "Sleeper", but fuck, boomers, let it go, he's a creep now.
Meh, boomer shit.
They all deserve each other.

Kris Kross

Kid rapper.
Go away.

Madonna's Sex book

The Pretty Woman of sex books.
Thankfully internet porn has been the antidote to much of this puritanical titillation moron middle America had in these days.
Oh, and Madonna sucks.
Not in the good way.
Well, that way too, but, y'know.
Go reread my rant.

Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back"

Still a cute ditty that holds up.

The Dream Team

Don't care.

The Ren and Stimpy Show

Oh, man, I loved this show so much, it actually made me high.
Finally, a show that was weird enough.
And on top of that, look at the ocean of shit I was in so far.
I needed release.
This show came in the nick of time.
Yeah, the 90's had its good stuff...but it was buried in some serious manure.

Murphy Brown

The Bloodworth-Thomasons can just go step in front of a bus for all I care.
Preferably, holding the last copies on earth of all their DVDs.

Single White Female

Ass.

Arrested Development

Probably wasn't as aware of them as I should have been....

Reservoir Dogs

Saw it on TV in the 00's.
Pretty good.
Nothing earth shattering.

Mortal Kombat

Overrated phenomenon.
Was to game violence what Madonna's book was to sex.
Get over it, move on, evolve, you morons.

Barney & Friends

Awww, crikey, so much awful shit from this decade....*facepalm*

Reebok's "Dan & Dave" campaign

Doesn't ring a bell..

The Bodyguard

Unh, fuck off....*eyeroll*

Beavis and Butthead

*Thumbs up*
Love how Judge got away with crapping all over the hideous music scene MTV helped create right on their own shitty evil channel.
Brilliant.

And here comes the year I graduated...

1993

Jurassic Park

Quite a phenomenon.
Dated as hell now.

Marge Schott

Twat.

Snow's "Informer"

Asscrap.

Where's Waldo?

Cute...but...man, people were really fucking bored...I mean MILLIONS this made?

Martin

Another humiliating black show I'm supposed to pretend wasn't stupid.

Free Willy

*Bored middle finger*

John and Lorena Bobbitt

Fuck this for taking so much news time.

Blind Melon's "No Rain"

Cute, but alternative jumped the shark pretty damned quick.

The Fugitive

Meh.

The Waco Siege

They murdered those people you know.
And you all just sat and watched.
*Head shake*

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman

Please...

Snoop Dogg

Seems like a nice enough fella to hang out with.
Couldn't name you a single one of his fucking songs though.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

*Eye roll*
And I can't even say Voltron was better, cuz I know from the shitty reruns it just ain't so.

Dazed and Confused

Never saw it, haven't cared to.

Crystal Pepsi

Eh...Sprite-y.
*Shrug*

Quantum Leap

Eh, shmaltzy, but not bad, not Beauty & The Beast bad, anyway.
Bakula is an okay shlub.
Liked all his shows so far.

Aerosmith's Get a Grip

Ain't nothin' bad about being Aerosmith.

The X-Files

Fecal.

1994

Melrose Place

Deftly avoided.

Tonya Harding vs. Nancy Kerrigan

More soap opera bullshit that didn't need to be on my TV.

Reality Bites

I tried to avoid this, but it was on TV, and....ugh...worse than I imagined.
The Big Chill for gen-X posers.
I didn't care much for my generation.
There, I said it.
I think I got a raw deal.
In high school, my senior class was a bunch of little whitebreads that wanted to be their mommies and daddies; I related more to the underclassmen, and talked with them more.
And even now, I see more subversive rebellion, and upstart-iness in people of Mark Zuckerberg's age group, but, people my age....gawd, bunch of sellout conviction-less whets.
Not all, but enough.
Enough to divorce me from that sad lot.
I can't be the only one that feels this way, I just can't.
Well, Carlin did, Carlin was older than boomers, but he related to the hippies more than their parents.
Age wise, he was in-between, so could pick.
I don't think I'd be a good hippie, I would have been a great yippie though.
Yeah, a yippie, or a punk, I woulda been good at one of those.
But what did I get when my time came?
Grunge/granola shit.
Fuuuuck yoooou.

John Tesh

Ever listen to his radio show?
Life sucking.

Speed

Well, I missed Sandra Bullock.
Where the fuck was she?
And why?
And why didn't Keanu go to that penalty box instead?

The O. J. Simpson slow-speed chase

Oh, fuck O.J.
Shit.
This destroyed the news.
It's never come back.

NYPD Blue

Shove it up your ass.
I said it back then.

Crash Test Dummies' "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm"

Fun ditty.
I can totally do that guy's voice.

George Foreman Grill

Wow, really? This long ago?
Wild.

Boyz II Men

Blow.

Tommy Hilfiger

Eat a gun.

Pulp Fiction

Okay.
Overrated as shit though.
Holy fuck.
Like, not Pretty woman overrated, but damn...you'd think Hollywood had been blown up by a nuke, and this was the first new movie after the rebuild.
Well, it was a revelation compared to the Julia Roberts stuff being shat out, I guess.
But still, come on.

Ace of Base

Ehh...

Woodstock '94

A big, fuckin' corporate joke.

Salt-n-Pepa

Sucked.

Forrest Gump

Eh...
You wanna know who really hates this in a funny way?
John Waters.
Now there's a filmmaker.

1995

Toy Story

Wow...'95, holy shit.
That old now...
Well, first fully CGI film.
Now, CGI toons dominate the industry, and it's almost no big thing.
Shit, FILM as a transfer medium is almost dead as a dino.
Crazy.

Party of Five

Cram it.

Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise"

Good hook to it.

Snapple

Am I the only one who remembers they started out in the 80's with clear soda?
If not them, then there's a defunct soda company they stole their name from, cuz I distinctly remember having me some clear cola and rootbeer with "snapple", on the fucking bottles.
No one will believe me.

Waterworld

Kostner with another one of his cancer cure flicks.
*Eye roll*
Everyone raised such shit over the price of this thing, now it's no big deal.
I didn't care then.

Hugh Grant caught with prostitute Divine Brown

Good enough for him.
*Shrug*

M&Ms spokescandies commercials

Still going strong.

Heroin chic

Someone should've been brought up on charges.
Possibly executed.
We don't live in a rational society.

TLC's CrazySexyCool

*Shrug* couldn't tell ya...

Clueless

What ever happened to Alicia Silverstone?
She gained one stray ounce in the face, people acted like she was like 300, and her career went up in smoke.
Hasn't been seen since.
You're dumb, America.
You won't be un-dumb until you stop this behavior.

Rednex's cover of "Cotton-Eyed Joe"

Eh, cute.
*Shrug*

Xena and Hercules

Alternated between cornball, and dark.
Weird shows.

Tattoos and piercings

Tch, it's like clothes now, no one even cares.

Babe

Remember when the movies at the Oscars were so bad, this little pig movie for children walked away with everything?
Yeah, that shit happened.
I hear the Japanese don't even have a movie awards show when the movies all suck.
It's called off.
I envy that shit.
That's just purely rational.

PlayStation

Which led to Playstation 2, which led to Vice City.
I worship Vice City.
But, I mentioned this, yes?

Chat rooms

Wasn't big on 'em.

X Games and MTV Sports

Fuck off.

Hootie and the Blowfish

Eh....*nose crinkle*

Braveheart

Mel the crazy drunk Nazi fools America again.
And the Scots too, this time.
That one was a two-fer.

1996

The Macarena

*Eye roll*

Oakland Ebonics controversy

Dumb.

Twister

Eh...

The Nanny

Dreck.

Tickle Me Elmo

Oh, yeah, held these for some family/friends at Toys R Us back in the day.

Oasis

Crap.
Assholes as people too.
Stupid assholes.

Independence Day

Hasn't held up.

Bob Dole

Ditto.
Oh, that's terrible...

Zubaz

Stupid.

Tiger Woods

So..there's a black guy who can dominate a sport I find boring as shit?
Whippidy dee.
As for his latest fuckery...still don't care.

Dennis Rodman

Live-action troll.

Mentos commercials

Eh.

Quad City DJs's "C'mon N' Ride It (The Train)"

*Finger*

Alanis Morissette

Another blown out of proportion performer.
Seriously, people acted like she was the friggin' risen Jesus, or something.
She's just a crap singer, fuck, get OVER her!
Oh, man, there was like, some intimate concert thing she did on MTV, and there were knuckleheadeds in the front row WEEPING, and BASKING in her, like there was an aura coming off.
Seriously.
It was pathetic.
Really?
The "one hand in my pocket", song?
That's the one that brings you to your knees?
Shit, I get more verklemft over Ray Charles's rendition of "it's not easy being green", than anything Alanis shits out.
Her voice sucks, sounds like she's got a throat full of spinach or something.
Well, I couldn't blame the boomers anymore for elevating this bullshit, could I?
Nope, it was my generation doing it this time.
*Sigh*...son of a bitch...
Well, again, why I divorced my generation.

Kathie Lee Gifford's child labor scandal

Overblown, didn't care.

Sling Blade

Great flick.
Still miss John Ritter.

Joan Osborne's "One Of Us"

Drivel.

Jerry Maguire

Shite.

1997

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

I think this movie saved the fucking decade.

Spice Girls

Pablum...but...after all the grunge, it was almost healing balm to hear anything happy.

McCaughey septuplets

Fuck off with rewarding all this breeding shit.
It's still going on, with all these gross reality shows, like "19 and counting".
Some goofy religious cultist moron is abusing her twat, therefore, it's gotta be on my TV?
Bullshit.
What is this shit really about?
Are they trying to get us to want to churn out these gross monster-families so we can fight the Chinese?

Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping"

Little bit of this one went a long way.

The Full Monty

Eh...

Hanson

Gah.

Dolly the sheep

Has anything valuable been done with this tech since?

Beanie Babies

*Eye roll*
Yeah, I've done that a lot in this one but...come on, look at the dippy fucking decade I'm dealing with here.
70's had its fucking pet rocks and shit, but it had fucking TAXI DRIVER!

Boogie Nights

Burt Reynolds's other good movie.

Fiona Apple

Turdier than Alanis as a person, better set of pipes, songs were lousier.
It evened out.
Thankfully, she wasn't hyped as much as Alanis.
She was laughed off the stage mercifully quick.

Tamagotchi

Pet rocks with screens.

Jewel

Gawd, another painful pseudo-hippie singer idiot.
The rule of Britney was miserable, but aren't you so glad THESE clowns are gone?

Ally McBeal

Miserable.

Aqua's "Barbie Girl"

Amusing ditty.

Lilith Fair

Did any memorable music come out of this?
No?
Okay then.

Mike Tyson bites off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear

Lunatic.

The Heaven's Gate cult

Pathetic.

South Park

It got better.
Starting out though...eh....

1998

The Lewinsky scandal

Man, in the 60's, Linda Tripp would've been kidnaped by the secret service, shot up with potassium chloride, and left in the desert to be picked at by vultures, and we'd've never had to suffer this stupid bullshit.
Washington's gotten soft.

Viagra

No cancer cure, but old men can still get bonahs.

John Glenn's return to space

Eh.
It was just a ride.

Armageddon

Eh..

Will Smith's "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It"

*Eye roll*

Teletubbies

Horrible.

Backstreet Boys

Fuckin-a!
*Bangs head against desk*

Dawson's Creek

*Groooaan*

"Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia

PPPT.

The Jerry Springer Show

Sewage.

Jesse Ventura becomes governor of Minnesota

Didn't take long for him to show his colors as batshit crazy, did he?

Marilyn Manson's "The Dope Show"

Didn't like this one.
Like ones like "the fight song", better.
Dope show, the rythm is droning, like something a small kid would pound out on a frying pan with a wooden spoon.
Then I want to strike that child.

Furby

Annoying Borg hairball.

The Big Lebowski

A classic.
Anything from Coen Brothers took the pain of the 90's away for a bit.

The Swing Revival

Fun.
A welcome relief from the grunge puke, and the bubblegum alternative to alternative.

Mark McGwire vs. Sammy Sosa

Didn't care.

Frasier

Wow, he was Frasier for 20 years continuously, can you believe it?
That's somethin.

Martha Stewart

Don't watch it.

The soccer mom

SNKKTT PATOOEY!

Master P's "Make 'Em Say Uhhh"

*Draws a blank*

There's Something About Mary

Eh, this got all the money and hype, but I think "Kingpin", was better.

1999

The Blair Witch Project

Good the first time, ultimately overrated.
Aided by AICN.
That site needs closing.
Serouslah.

Tae Bo

Not an actual martial art.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Weird how this went from ABC's biggest show, to relegated to an afterthought at like, 5 am.

LFO's "Summer Girls"

SNNNKKKTT, SNOOKKTT, SNKT, SNKT, SKROOMPTT, PTOOOOOEEEY!!!

Y2K

Fake.
No one apologized either.

Fight Club

Or, maybe THIS redeemed the decade...

The Taco Bell chihuahua

Eh, cute I suppose.
*Shrug*

John Rocker

Another sports-dummy saying crap.
Inspired some of the monologue for "the Krazyfool Show", that's how old that is now.

The Sixth Sense

Okay the first time.
Hasn't held up.
Nor has Shyamalan's career.
Ouch.

Harry Potter

It begins...

Latin music explosion, specifically Ricky Martin, Enrique Iglesias, and Marc Anthony

Weren't like, a couple of these dudes from Mennudo?
Point is, none of this is new.

The Elián González affair

Another child-damaging debacle brought to you by Janet Reno.

Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5"

I'm telling you, none of this is new, Bega had a hit in the 80's too.
"Endicott", look it up.
I remember this shit.

Office Space

Okay, for sure, THIS is the one that redeemed the 90's.
This is why I'll always dig Jennifer Anniston.

Susan Lucci wins an Emmy after nineteen consecutive nominations

Meh, good for her.
*Shrug*

Teen pop explosion, specifically Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, and Jessica Simpson

And true hell comes to mainstream music, and never leaves.

The Atkins Diet

Rargh, pork!!!

The Matrix

Overrated hooey.
The Pretty Woman of ponderous sci-fi.
A fitting end note.


Well, that was painful.

Lotta friends tell me the 80's were miserable for them, so...the 90's was my 80's.
Where it all went to shit.
Never quite been right after this, either.

Well, there WAS the thread of good movies...
And good shows, but they all seemed to be cartoons.
Music however...wow...utter fuckin' death.

Lotta great movies they left out, too...

Army Of Darkness.
Natural Born Killers.
Groundhog day.
Clerks.
Unforgiven.
Ed Wood.

So, yeah, between all that, and that the good cartoons were on, that was just enough to keep my marbles together.

Just didn't have shit on the radio is all.

That part was hellish and alienating.

But, I guess it was like that for my friends who didn't grow up in the 80's...hmm..

Whelp, there, that was 10 years that came in a row, that for some reason, no one could come up with decent fuckin' music...

Well...actually, there were some ditties I liked.
Few and far between, and they weren't all on this list.
Boy, did I miss rock though...

And those shitty movies...gads...

Just as bad as I remembered.
And I gotta do it all over again...

On to part 2..

Read More......

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Happy 100th, Ronnie!


From the 80's!

Read More......

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I really friggin love the 80's (part 3)

*Skims* Well, this one seemingly has a better selection than the last one..see how this one goes...

Part three!

1980

Fame

What? Fame? The LAST one had fucking Fame!
Oh...right...the movie, then the show...
They couldn't just lump 'em together?
Screw 'em both, wasn't into 'em.
Much like "Glee".
Not my vibe.

Paul McCartney gets busted for marijuana possession

Legalize it!

Ethnic Barbie Dolls

Yes, let's try to get black and Asian girls on the anorexia horse too...

Pepsi Challenge

(Mortal Kombat voice)
Pepsi wins! Finish him!

Richard Pryor burns himself

Jeez...I loved him as an artist...but...that's some high octane crazy there...
Well, the title of his third album was apt, wasn't it?
Well, everyone used that punchline then.
Still, yikes.

Fruit Roll-Ups

Yum.
Course, they don't put much actual fruit in 'em anymore by the looks of 'em.
But in my day, they were all fruit.
No garish clown colors.

Gary Numan's "Cars"

Good one.
All snyth-y.

Buck Rogers in the 25th Century

Said it in the bit on Battlestar Galactica.
Dug this one better.
Erin Grey was another sci-fi crush of mine.

Post-it notes

Heh, got a cyber version of 'em on this 'puter.
Handy little things in either form.

AC/DC's "Back in Black"

Danh!! Danh-nanh!! Dan-nanh!! Diddlah deeda deedow!!
Danh!! Danh-nanh!! Dan-nanh!! Diddlah deeda deedow!!

Intellivision

Didn't know anyone who had it.

My Bodyguard

Not to be confused with the Whitney Houston flick.
Didn't see it.
Or, if I did, didn't remember it.
I just read the Wiki review, doesn't ring a bell.

Christopher Cross' "Sailing"

Liked me some Christopher Cross to mellow out to every now and then.
Can't be wired on metal constantly, you'd go nuts.

The Jazz Singer

Didn't see it.

Fashion plates

Ohhh yeah...
The thing, where you did a crayon rubbing of these plates, and it made girls in various outfits to color in.
I had the boy's version called the "Mighty Men & Monster Maker", that made superheroes, and monsters, and you could mix up the heads, and bodies, and legs.
Hmm, looking at it again, a lot of the charactrers look reminiscent of later He-Man characters ,
wonder if there was influence, or if maybe the designers went to work for Mattel...
Oh, here's a nifty factoid, the guy who created The Rocketeer created the plates.

Sugar Ray Leonard

Same thing I said about Michael Jordon.

The Elephant Man

Good flick, Tony Hopkins rules.
He's even good in movies that otherwise suck.
And I've seen some.
This wasn't one of them.

Little Darlings

Didn't see it.
Woulda been good to get horny to as a teen.
Now, pedophelia, no thanks.

1981

History of the World, Part I

Mel Brooks was on a great streak.

Circus of the Stars

Didn't see it.
Or, it was on, and I didn't pay attention.
Doesn't seem like I missed much.

The first laptop

Seen it, it stretches the word "portable", to just short of meaningless.

Loverboy's "Working for the Weekend"

Everyone will forevermore think of the Chris Farley Chippendales dance.
Funny as a bastid.
Okay, I eye-rolled at the Chippendales dancers in the 70's one, but it led to this skit, so, okay.

Chariots of Fire

The song has had a far longer shelf life than the movie.
Never saw the movie.
Always dug the song.

You Can't Do That on Television

Aww, man, where to begin?
This was Garbage Pail Kids the show.
This is the world I wanted to be in.
This was Electric Company on food poisoning, acid, and coke.
I fuckin' loved it.
A Canadian import.
America didn't have the balls.
Its only sin was spawning Alanis Morrisette.
But...if not them, somebody, she was pretty dauntless.
Unfortunately...*sigh*
Anyway, great show.
Probably wouldn't hold up now, but man, did I look forward to this.
I think all the other kids on this became accountants, and teachers, n' stuff.
There should be a reuninion.

Mud wrestling

Dumb.

38 Special's "Hold On Loosely"

Eh, s'good one, but...y'know the 70's sound was kinda lingering.
But..in hindsight to how 80's metal was just spontaneously and rudely amputated, maybe that was a good thing.
Think of what we would have missed.
Shit, think of what we did miss in the latter case.
Fuckin' music industry.
Sons of bitches.
Sons of bitches all.

Escape from New York

Didn't catch this 'til much later.
Great flick.
To you "millenial", kiddies,...I can only describe it as "Duke Nukem The Movie".
You don't need a "real", Duke Nukem Movie, this is it.
Duke stole his whole shtick from Snake.

Penny Racers

Didn't have any.
I was a Star Wars, Hulk, and dinosaurs geek.

The Mediterranean fruit fly infestation

Was oblivious to this.
The news was too horrifying for children.
I didn't watch it when I was really little.
Y'know, I gotta get back on that diet of no news.
It agrees with me better.

Barbara Mandrell and The Mandrell Sisters

Ehh...their songs ain't poppin' into my head at all...
Pass.

REO Speedwagon's "Keep on Loving You"

Ehh...

Body Heat

Didn't see it.

Erasermate

Erasable pens, right?
Yeah, I had me some of these.
The ink was really gummy and smudged to bejeezus.

Country stars performing pop songs

Wouldn't have noticed the difference.

Gimme a Break!

This was like "One Day At A Time", with a fat black chick who was more likable than the screeching menstrual white chicks.
Really intense arguments, gloomy drama episodes, y'know, that shit.
All In The Family did it better.
But, I dug Nell Carter, so...
'Nother good actor dead.

An American Werewolf in London

Didn't see this finally until MUCH much later, like, late 90's, the tail end of the VHS age.
It's fucking great.
I'm offended I was kept from this.
I got to see, and eventually own, Fright Night, and that had the exact same kind of stuff, gore effects wise.
Eh, whatever.
I kinda like Fright Night better...
Just by a smidge.

1982

Quest for Fire

Great flick.
Dubious historical accuracy, but take it for what it is.

Videocassette recorders

Said it before, VHS, cable, and Atari (then NES) kept me sane.

The Human League's "Don't You Want Me"

Listenable.

Cats

A punishment of every sense, including taste, and eurethra-push.

Tron

Loved it.
I was part of a small cult, I guess.
Well, big enough of a cult to get a sequel almost 30 years later...
Fired up the old VHS tape a few weeks ago in anticipation of the new flick, and man, was it prescient.
I totally get it.

Freezy Freakies

Had a pair of these, loved them.
Sadly outgrew them.
Physically.

Toto's "Rosanna"

Catchy.

BMX

Lusted after one, but, I was an uncoordinated gawm-ass, no way I'd be able to do the stunts on the TeeVee.
I was better off with my Huffy Space Invader bike.
Now, that thing took me on some adventures.

Shopping malls

Mixed bag.
Check these rants
Location blogging #4.
Location blogging #5.

Bow Wow Wow's "I Want Candy"

Listenable.
Only just.

Headbands and mesh tops

*Vomits*

The $25,000 Pyramid

Didn't care.

EPCOT Center

Wasn't built the first time I went to Disney.
Got the "help me smee!", moment though.

Second time, I did get to go, pretty cool, but already showing some age.
Saw Greg Evigan there.
Mentioned that last time...

Yeah, I'm torn on old Unca' Walt.
Anti-semitic fascist politically, but...had an optimistic futurist side...
Well, kinda like Howard Hughes...
Ya take the bad with the good, I guess.

Victor Victoria

Didn't see it, or care to.

1982 Chicago Tylenol murders

People are such selfish assholes.
Yeah, and we've had to pull foil off everything ever since.
The foil people made out like raped-apes.

Ripley's Believe It or Not!

I liked the Jack Palance version.
Somehow, he projected more gravitas and authority than Dean Cain.

First Blood

Pretty good thriller.
Gave my assessment of the sequel in the last one.
Saw the newest fourth installment on Spike TV a couple days ago, wow.
They couldn't have censored much...lotta head splats, and blown off limbs.
But yeah, politically, I was impressed.
Long gone was Reaganomics/jingo-boy Rambo, he was more jaded and grizzled about war than I am.
Nice.
It's how the character should be, and started out.
You could make a duology of First Blood, and Rambo "AKA John Rambo", and not miss much, if anything.
Same with Rockys 1, 2, and 6.
Thank you, Stallone, for revisiting these franchises.

1983

Jaws 3-D

Jeez, Speilberg's masterpiece gets degraded down to this schlock?
Well, wouldn't be the last time...

Star Search

Only cared about the comedians.
Say, whatever happened to all those fuckin' child dancers?
Remember that?
Remember that miserable child dance troup category they made you cuss and dry heave through?
Where are those little douchebags now?
Why aren't they in show business?
I want something to SHOW for that pain, dammit.
Child dancers, tch.
Shyeeet.

Monchhichis

*Clenches fists, grits teeth, crinkles nose, raises a punch to the screen, and thinks better of it*
*Exhales deeply through teeth...composes self*

Herbie Hancock's "Rockit"

Catchy.

St. Elsewhere

Wouldn't watch it on a dare.
Had a lot of schadenfreude when the ending was it was all a fantasy in a retarded kid's head.
Hahaa! *points*
Well, the title shoulda clued you in it was some kind of warp zone.

Truly Tasteless Jokes

Missed out.
Heard better ones on the playground though.

Mr. Mom

Overrated.
Got rehashed as "mister nanny", and "kindergarten cop", and "the pacifier", just off the top of my head.
Liked "night shift", and "gung ho", better as Michael Keaton comedies.
I miss Michael Keaton.
Where did he go?
And why?
Come back to us, Michael, we need you!
Now more than ever!

The jheri curl

Bleh.
Robert Townsend sent this silly hairdo shit up pretty well in "Hollywood shuffle".

Jesse Jackson runs for president

Doomed.

Press Your Luck

If it was a goofy gameshow, I wasn't fucking watching it.
Only "remote control", was worthy of my time.

ZZ Top

Hell yeah!
"Legs"! "sharp dressed man"! "TV Dinners"! "double back"!
Kick ass!

D.C. Cab

Never saw it.

Reading Rainbow

Dug it.
Miss it.
Levar's a cool dude.

Mr. Wizard

REALLY dug it.
This and "you can't do that...", were the best things on Nickelodean.
Where the hell are the science shows like this for kids now?
No, let's teach 'em to chase fucking ghosts in abandoned prisons instead.
*Eye roll*

Strategic Defense Initiative

The corbomite maneaver.
And the Russians actually blinked.
MAN, the cold war was stupid.
I mentioned that, right?

Quiet Riot

Hell, yeah!

But...I was starting to notice, you couldn't be a geek like I was, and like metal groups, and publicly say so, or the shitty little bully kids had the attitude of "you can't like my band!! You're not cool! You can't be in our club! Only our cool club can like this band! Stop listening to 'em, you're ruining 'em! I'll kick your ass!".
Y'know, that stupid frigging bullshit.
Fuck off.
Rotten shitheads.
Where are they now, eh?
Yeah, the other side of the coin of that whole Prince deal I ran into.
I'll listen to anything I like, cockmongers, try and stop me!
Oh! Oh, look what III'm doing!

Clicky!!

Terms of Endearment

Wouldn't watch it.
Boomer shit.

1984

Red Dawn

See capsule review here.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer

Why, you naughty little elf!
I miss that naughty little elf.

Murray Head's "One Night in Bangkok"

Auuaarrgh!
Man, my folks dragged me around to every fucking furniture store in the state one day, and I swear, every furniture store had this on their fucking radio.
It would go away on one store, the next store, it'd be starting right back up.
So, it was literally played to death along the whole band.
Son of a bitch...

Band-Aid

Naw, that can't be.
I got a '78 Wacky Package of "band ache", so they gotta go back to the 70's at least.
Yeah, I went through a lot of these.
Ohhh...the charity concert...
Meh.

Children of the Corn

Saw it later on HBO.
Wasn't a fan.
Didn't scare me.
Annoyed me that the kids were being so shitty.
Reminded me of the playground.

New Edition

Um...know the name...ain't ringing any bells otherwise...

Hair mousse

*Eye roll*

Amadeus

Ah, the movie.
Didn't see it finally until fairly recently on Ovation.
Loved it.
Probably historically inaccurate as hell, but, eh...

Doug Flutie's hail mary pass

Don't care.

Rodney Dangerfield's "Rappin' Rodney"

Rap jumped the shark right here, and yet still it would not die.
No one's had the resolve to do what must be done.
And no, killers of Tupac, and Biggie, that wasn't it, you're fuckin' stupid.
You made martyrs, now matters are worse.

Voltron

Ouch...has not held up.
Caught reruns and...painful...

Calculator watch

Didn't have one.
Had a Transformer watch though.
Great way to smuggle a toy into school.

Romancing the Stone

Meh, pretty good.

Designer shoelaces

Not my bag.

Snorks

Lock, stock, and barrel Smurfs ripoff.
They had more girls though, so you didn't get the creepy vibe they were gang-banging one chick, like with Smurfette.

Anti-fur movement

*Nose crinkle*
We've got HUMANS to save, you goofy pseudo-hippie douchebags.
I love animals, but, fuck, prioritize.
Throwing paint on a rich old twat's coat does absolutely NOTHING to make the world a better place.

TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes

Lotta lameness on this show.
Sergio Aragones from Mad and Groo did the little cartoon janitor, so...that's something.

Police Academy

Fucking Guuutenbeeerrg!!

1985

Bob Ross' The Joy of Painting

Does NO ONE remember the guy who preceeded him, Bill Alexander?
Liked him better.
Bob Ross creeped me out.
Gave me the vibe of a guy with a windowless van down by a park.

Monster trucks

Sunday!! Sunday! Sundaayyy!!!
Heh heh heh..

Mick Jagger and David Bowie's version of "Dancing in the Street"

They fucked.

Calvin Klein's Obsession

Obnoxious ad campaign.
SNL gave it a decent assassination.

The Legend of Billie Jean

Very vaguely remember it.
I know a young Yeardly Smith was in it.

Phil Collins' No Jacket Required

Was "land of confusion", on this?

Joe Theismann breaks a leg

Ohhh, that was that really gross break where it flops all around, ain't it?
*Shiver*
Everyone on Earth has seen that.

My Buddy

Prelude to Chucky.

"Weird Al" Yankovic

My friggin' idol.
Okay, I revise the list, cable, VHS, Atari, and my first tape deck with his first 4 albums kept me sane.
I think those Weird Al tapes were the audio version of what the Freddy VHS-es were to me later, cinematically.
Mine.
For me.
Wasn't some nasty jerky playground "club", poisoning it, like Springsteen, Quiet Riot, and Prince.
Y'know?
Anyway, ditto what I said about "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure".

Just One of the Guys

Oh, this is the one where a chick disguises herself as a dude...for some reason..
Yeah, I didn't watch shit like this.
They still churn out turkeys like this, too.

The Subway Vigilante

You mean Bernard Goetz?
Really? VH1 went with the press's lame moniker for him like it's a title?
Um...it's too sad a story to get all "rah-rah", about.
The guys who messed with him were trash, but, he's fucked up.
It's just a bunch of ugly stuff that happened.
Reality is like that.
Not like a fuckin' movie.

Sour Patch Kids

They're still around.
They never stopped, I like that some things are consistent like that.
Cool that a permanent candy staple was born in my lifetime.
Everything else was from the time of my parents, or grandparents.
Anyway, yep, I like 'em.
A friend of mine, in Mrs. Tinkham's class, would try to impress us by snorting the powder that came off of them.
Sss...oww.
*Rubs sinuses imagining it*
Still my reaction to that after all these years.

Brewster's Millions

'Nother Pryor one.
His flicks were okay, but his standup was where it was really at.
Anyone could tell you that.

Sally Field's Academy Awards speech

*Eyeroll*
'Nother goddamned meme.

DeBarge's "Rhythm of the Night"

Debarge was pretty good.

Spies Like Us

*Groan*
Threw plenty of reference to this into "Torrent of obscenity".

Rocky IV

The series had fully gone to Toontown by this one.
But, y'know, I dig the hell out of the soundtrack.
Lot of us X-ers do.
Check Youtube.
Lotta y-ers and z-ers have discovered its charms as well.
It was the MTV Rocky.
Y'know, back when MTV was innovative, and hip, and fun.

1986

Back to School

One of Rodney Dangerfield's better flicks.
This, and "easy money".
Although, they never made the definitive Dangerfield movie that captured his standup.
But, the same could be said for Pryor.
And man, they never even tried for Carlin.
Anyway, this is a good one.
A very young Robert Downy Jr. is in it.
And Oingo Boingo performs their other hit single besides "Weird Science", that being "Dead man's party".
Ah, 80's...

Love Connection

Dopey gameshow, you know the drill.

Madballs

Geez, I collected these dumb things.
They really didn't have much point, except to be 3-dimensional Garbage Pail kids.
They weren't very good balls.
And if you flung 'em around real good, you could possibly lose the things, so you were out a collectable.
And Heaven forbid a dog ever got ahold of the things.
Yeah, fun character sculptures, but useless toys.
I guess you could leave them places to be found by squeamish wussies as a prank.
Pretty short lived amusement there.
Ah, well.
Still got 'em in a closet or attic somewhere.

Jermaine Stewart's "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off"

He died of the AIDS.
I repeat what I said about the "you spin me round..", guy.

Murder, She Wrote

Didn't watch it.
Well, not regularly, I saw a couple episodes to get a gist.
Mysteries are pretty formulaiac and repetitive.
Well, everything is, but you notice it faster with mysteries.
Anyway, it was supposed to be a pretty small town she was in, and she was at the scene of every murder, wouldn't they start to suspect HER?
And after like, 12 years of people being bumped off, wouldn't they start to run out of people?
Everyone's either dead, or in jail.
See, at least House treats people from all over the country, and sometimes, world.
You can suspend things a little better.

Muammar al-Gaddafi

Wacky Kadaffy.
A little tinpot twit nipping at America's heels like an angry poodle.
He sure wasn't fucking Cobra Commander.
There was enough "yip-yip!", like he was.

The Color of Money

Billiards flick, right?
Yeah, it ain't no Rocky, is it?
Didn't watch it.

Short Circuit

It had a fuckin' robot, so I loved this stupid thing.
And it had fuckin' Gutenberg...*eyeroll*
And whatsisname, as an insulting fake East Indian.
Schlock.

Snuggle

Who knew detergent could give you cavities and diabetes?

Not Necessarily the News

Loved it as a kid.
Looking back, only good part was Sniglets.

Memorex tapes

They actually were good quality.
For tapes.
Now, give me burner CDs any day.

Lucas

His name is Lucas, he lives on the second floor!
He came up with Jar-Jar Binks.
Now his dad don't love him no more.
*Sounds of furniture breaking, glass shattering, sobbing*
That'll teach ya, Lucas!
Myah!
Myah!
Myah, see!
Myah!

Head of the Class

Oh, boy..
Okay, listen up, millenials, and whatever gen-Z is, history time.
First, there was WKRP In Cincinati.
Then, the dude who played "Johnny Fever", on that, played the teacher in "head of the class".
Then, the fat guy and the nerd from this, went on to create "all that".
Then, "all that", spawned "Kenan & Kell", and "the Amanda Show", and "the Nick Cannon show".
And then all these characters became relative celebrities thanks to your allowance money.
So, there you go, once again, your stuff traces back to the 70's, you didn't invent it.
Neener.
Anyway, meanwhile, "head of the class", unleashed Robin Givens on the world.
She'd go on to become Mike Tyson's heavy bag.
And Johnny Fever got replaced with Billy Connoly.
Quite a family tree, that show.
Anyway, you wanna see real talent, kids, Youtube Billy Connoly.
That's a fuckin' star.
Amanda Bynes, are you shittin' me?

Heart

Listenable chick rockers.
We didn't get a lot of these.
Hey, don't get on me, feminists, history doesn't fuckin' lie.

Halley's Comet

A pitiful smudge.
I didn't even bother.
I'll be fuckin' dead when it comes back.

¡Three Amigos!

Foolish, bomb, but strangley, it's become retroactively beloved via cult nostalgia.


Predator

WTF?
Predator was in the last one.
It's good all right?
Watch it.
Geez, it wasn't high art, or nothin.

Oral Roberts asks for $8,000,000

And he fucking got it.
Fucking religion.
Go back to my Pope rant.

Max Headroom

Way ahead of it's time, and the full extent of the joke was way over my head the first time around.
Let's just say Max would love the internet, and readily recognize the state of cable news, and feel right at home sparring with Glenn Beck without even meaning to.

Billy Idol's version of "Mony Mony"

Ain't nothin' bad about being Billy Idol.

The Legend of Zelda

WOW did that game ever dominate a chunk of my life.
Epic.
What Sgt. Pepper was to records, and Empire Strikes Back was to movies, this was to games up to that point.
Quite an event.

Moonstruck

Didn't see it.
Chick flick.

Baby Jessica falls down a well

Did the real national news really have to hover over this?
Shouldn't they, I dunno, have been keeping tabs on Osama Bin Laden?
Asking uncomfortable questions at Goldmann Sachs?
Somethin' like that?
I dunno.
Guess I expect too much, huh?
Silly me.

Lee Press-On nails

*Eye roll*

Throw Momma from the Train

After all that...the ending, it comes from nowhere...it's like the editing machine puked...WTF?
Anyway "momma", was the gang leader in Goonies.
Disturbing woman.
I miss her.

Microwave oven

We've got to install microwave ovens!
Custom kitchen, deliveray-ay-ay-ayyy!!
We've got to move these! Refrigerators!
We've got to move these color teeveeeeees!!!

Yep, these made life vastly easier.
That, n' remote controls.

Ozone depletion

Did this ever seal up?
The news doesn't tell us this shit y'know.
When Paul Mccartney dies, we'll hear all the fuck about it for a month though.

Spenser: For Hire

Alas, poor Urich.
He was in Ice Pirates y'know.
Another good one that didn't make VH1's lists.
Slobs.

Black Monday

Didn't hear about it, wouldn't have cared.
If I'd known what I was looking at, I'd've known, it was the first peek behind the curtain, the first glitch in the system, the first leak in the dam, the first objective sign, that no one in charge really knew what the fuck they were doing.
But, MAD Magazine was already telling me that, so it wouldn't have been a stunner.

Mannequin

My friend Steve went from showing me flicks like Back To The Future...to stuff like this.
Yeeaahh...
Well, he got better, he recommended Toxic Avenger in high school.
Forgiven.

The bolo tie

Tch...*head shake*

Cutting Crew's "(I Just) Died in Your Arms"

Must've been something I aaate!

Kelly LeBrock Pantene advertisements

Handy factoid-
Steven Seagal beat and raped her.
Our sick society doesn't count rapes when you're married to the person, but still.
Anyway, another reason to hate his rotton stinking guts.
Or, a fresh one, if you didn't have one before.
If you watched one single episode of his reality show, even for the train wreck factor, I don't want to fucking know you.
Get out of here.
I can't even look at you.
Just get out.
I'm serious.

Star Trek: The Next Generation

Yayyy!!!
...ouch, hasn't stood up to time.
"Best of both worlds", "all good things..", "times arrow", stuff like that, great.
But a loooot of miserable filler episodes.
Anything centered around Troi gets a channel clicking.

Lethal Weapon

Mel the crazy drunk Nazi again.
Don't look at him.
Keep walking.

1988

Twins

Arnold's one good comedy.

The party line

Stupid.
Technology finally fixed this.
Mostly.

Cher and Rob Camiletti

Rob who?
Oh, her first "cradle robbing".
Get over it.
Fuckin' lame country.
Can't we open up a wormhole, and send all these fucking constipated fundamentalists back to the 17th century where they so desperately want to be?
Let's just do that.
Hurry up, science.

Buster Poindexter's version of "Hot Hot Hot"

Fun one.
He was the Taxi ghost in "scrooged", y'know.
Yep...

Cocktail and The Beach Boys "Kokomo"

Cocktail, tripe.

Kokomo, listenable sing along in the car ditty.

Micro Machines

Had me some of these.
Just to have.
Like Madballs.

Lita Ford's "Kiss Me Deadly"

'Nother good chick rocker.
Would later team up with Ozzy.

Unsolved Mysteries

The spooky theme was cool, Robert Stack was cool, the mysteries were gloomy, the reenactments distrubing, fun show.
And, once in a blue moon, a mystery would be solved.

Midnight Run

Mmm..didn't watch it.
Hey, Charles Grodin!
He had a talk show in the 90's on CNBC.
He hated Geraldo as much as me.
I miss him, where is he now?

Jimmy the Greek's controversial statement

Yeah, someone in sports said something dumb, stop the presses.

Midnight Oil's "Beds Are Burning"

Eh...

The rattail

*Tries to vomit, emptied it all out at mesh shirts, dry heaves hard enough to make my asshole hurt, bursts blood vessels in eyeballs, collapses*

The Morton Downey, Jr. Show

Wow, do I ever miss THIS!
Do you ever wish the host of some vapid insipid talk show would just come out, and say the guest was a fucking idiot, and go all Sam Kinison on their ass?
Well, we actually had this show in the 80's.
What a miraculous time to be alive.
Anyway, another death of someone cool by cigarettes.
No, corporations would never sell us things that would hurt us.
Taco Bell's beef is fine.
Move along, nothing to see.

It's Garry Shandling's Show

...hard to describe...try to Youtube it.

Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

Great game, shitty guy.

Well, between this, n' Zelda, I guess they skipped the NES, and focused on particular games.
Sloppy, VH1.
And no Mario?
Really? WTF?
Saving that for an 80's-4 that they never made?
Anyway, Nintendo was a revelation in and of itself.
I first laid eyes on Super Mario Brothers, and that's how video games always should have looked, how they looked in my head.
Finally, gone at last, and forevermore, were blocky things you had to imagine what they were.
See my Pacman rant, things were finally pushing towards the television realism I was craving.
Although...I honestly believe Atari 400 could have handled SMB.
But, the Atari company imploded, so...
But yeah, my jaw was on the floor when I saw SMB.
It only got better from there.

Tanning beds

Stupid.
Cancer.

Rod Stewart's "Forever Young"

Bland.

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!

Damned good, but part 2 is up there with the funniest movies of all time.
Y'know, I go back, Naked Gun 2½ is funnier than Airplane.
Yes, I said it.

1989

Rescue 911

The Shatman actually does some good.

The Little Mermaid

Disney crawls out from under "the black hole", and "the black cauldron".

Fine Young Cannibals' "She Drives Me Crazy"

A little of this one went a long way.
Once a day, listenable, higher doses became painful.

The Exxon Valdez oil spill

Hazelwood, the most hated drunk driver ever.
The anti Sully Sullenberger.

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

Eh, cute flick, but, this was just before CG really hit, everything in this was conventional effects, and pushed the limit.
This was just about as far as you could go before you NEEDED computers.

Mr. Bean

Blackadder was a thousand times better.

Leona Helmsley charged with tax evasion

Fuck her.

Paula Abdul

Okay, I cop to it, the video for "cold hearted snake", was the one time she managed to give me an erection.
Since then, she's been a bucket of coked up crazy my dork wants nothing to do with.

Road House

*Kick*
Roadhouse!
*Kick*
Roadhouse!
*Kick*
Roadhouse!

Super Bowl XXIII

Don't care.

The Noid

Last gasp of intricate claymation before CG hit.
Otherwise, lame ad campaign.
Annoying character.
Adam West killing him on Family Guy was a joy.

The hi-top fade haircut

Goofy-ass on anyone but Wesley Snipes.

Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses

Probability that any protesting screaming homicidal barbarian moron actually read this, 0%.

Parenthood

Steve Martin loses his edge.

Kim Basinger buys a town

Vaguely remember this...y'think something like this woulda stuck with me more...
Oh, yeah, she was an abysmal bimbo in the Burton Batman, and worse still in "Cool World", so, I didn't want to hear from her.
That's what it was.

Ozzy Osbourne and Lita Ford's "Close My Eyes Forever"

See?
Toldja.

The B-2 bomber

Meh.

Steel Magnolias

Bite my ass.

Yeah, like I said at the outset, better lineup.
This one was funner.
Got to fill in all the holes I wanted, it covered a wide base.

Everything I said the last couple times for endings.

Well...no more 80's, on to the fuckin' 90's...

Read More......

Blog Archive

Labels