Three Million AD.
The "Quantum Dissolve", universe.
Planet Eidolon locked her scanners onto chapter 26, and as a virtual re-creation of her 16 year old self, supplied commentary.
"Dusty Irwin was awoken by the alarm clock".
It was a radio alarm clock, and "Round Dog", Ripington was playing.
Offal was his guest.
Among the memes generated by that show were calling the meal of supper "saypoo", exclaiming "flatulato!!", when passing gas, pronouncing the sound effect of gas as *Brooommpptt!!*, exclaiming "wash your ass!", for no apparent reason, calling people devils by screaming "devooooos!!", calling a vagina a "snoosh", pronouncing "suck it", as "sawk eet", and "suck and fuck", as "saaawwk and faawwwk!", throwing in "sook-a da kook!!", in as an alternate for fellatio, replacing the phrase "fixed that for you", with "for the fuckin' yams", calling the female torso "tits-and-belly", playing a loop of a guy saying "Booo!! Fuckin' booo!! Go suck a weenie!! WEENIE!!!", as a mockery of bad heckling, and for no apparent reason, when in a victorious mood, "I'll never die again!".
I do not like Round Dog.
Not a fan of Offal either.
The two of them together?
"Dusty loved being awake.
Awake was where he could be The Jade Shade".
Ease in The Badawa.
That's what they say in the 5000s when you're having a peaceful day.
It loses something in translation.
"Asleep was where he had to wait to be Jade Shade again".
And hung out with the dream guardians, Palapulam, and Plawnee.
Who were the source of the names of the Freed Radical team members.
How do I know this?
"Being married to Chokecherry, and hanging out with and mentoring other heroes was pretty damned sweet too".
Chokecherry now officially endorsed Chokecherry soda.
Also, they make Blood Orange and Purple Pepper sodas.
The company was run by the heiress, Mimme Isabelle.
Mimme is Pixelmistress in the Freed Radicals team, which is how Chokie got hooked up with the endorsement deal.
Mimme was named after a baby talk noise her big brother had made in the crib.
Interestingly, she dressed as a female cupid in a middle school play once.
Her character died.
Like in a certain dream.
Quantum telepathic bleed over? Who knows?
Chokecherry had Mimme put Quantum Dissolve in the sodas to try to antidote evil in the town once.
Didn't work out so well.
"He jumped out of bed, ready and excited to face the day".
Almost tripping over Teetso 10, his experimental rocket pack.
Everyone including Dr. Herbert was still too terrified to field test it.
Good call, as it turns out.
"Having Chokecherry sharing the job with him helped a lot too.
None of that "you and your crazy dreams", bullshit.
He couldn't imagine having a ball-busting harpy chopping away at him.
He then remembered his hallucination from Mr. Sleepy Seeds, and shuddered".
Oh, speaking of her invaluable help with the team, we never got to Chokecherry's recruitment drive, did we?
So, here's her batch of Freed Radical members that she loosely called "Chokie's Heroes", until the big merger in chapter 12.
Blood Orange, Purple Pepper, and Zoria Bacillus who we know.
There was The Slicker, who is Nick Rainey, who's my biological dad.
I didn't know then.
I know now through genetic screening.
I don't care.
Nut Crush & Lopper Lass.
Lopper Lass is the daughter of Angus McUngus, the owner of a meat pie shop who eventually died straining at stool.
A drinking song was dedicated to him called "the violent crapping of Angus McUngus".
They still sang it until the last I saw human beings sometime around the hundred-thousands.
Nut Crush became my boyfriend, then husband, and we had a son named Harry.
...yes, it's who you're thinking of.
Time travel and such...
Don't tell him.
It'd get weird.
Baken & Pornne, a former "meat man", and a former dancer at "the serious drawer", respectively.
Upholdor, a former safe cracker nicknamed Fingers McGinty.
Commander Vindication, a guy inspired by the "utility belt", entries of Shmegalamonga.
Palupulam & Plawnee (the latter being a dog), named after baby talk from Palapulam's kid sister that she received in a dream. How they ended up in JS's dreams is a tangled web of time travel, and brain-scans overlapping by complex chance.
Or else, the dream world is real.
Mister Impregnable, an opposite Jade Shade, in that instead of being bitter over his evil home town, he was bored with his beautiful hometown.
That town got renamed along the way in history as "the Badawa", and then had a popular soap based in and around it called "Ease in the Badawa".
The opening slogan was "like sways of the metronome, so is this, Ease In The Badawa!".
Long after the show died, and it was forgotten, the phrase lingered on.
The Bogey, a proto-Jade-Shade from the 90's whose origin was hinted at in the recounting of season 1, chapter 4, in season 2, chapter 18.
Zettabit & Pixelmistress, the latter whom I just talked about above, and the former being her inconsequential and forgettable boyfriend.
And finally, a family team called The Inconceivables, made up of Mr. Inconceivable, Popcorn Girl, Spurt, and Dwindle.
Most of whom we met in season 2, chapter 13.
Spurt? He just runs. Not even very fast.
They had to give him something to do to feel useful.
"Unlike that world, he never questioned why he existed.
He knew exactly what he was for".
Sperm donation for a much better superhero.
"He sighed happily, went down to the kitchen, drank milk, and ate what he damned well wanted.
What he damned well wanted was toaster pastry, and he made it himself without whining".
Good boy, have a biscuit.
"Eidolon was there, and he listened to her talk to Chokie, and was immediately interested.
His girls weren't knuckleheads".
Yes, and the former had under her shirt an Omneron head flash drive necklace containing the Hembooks, Dark Designs, QD as it comes out, Omneron's core program, and some favorite hacker apps powerful enough to crush the Pentagon to dust if need be.
Yep, no "knucklehead", was she.
"She was not a valueless little bastard like most of her schoolmates.
All they wanted was stuff.
And what meaningless shit it all was".
Like that creepy rocking chair carved by Mimme based on a Mike Meggison nightmare in "The Books Of Blah".
"Eidie had her doodads, but she put them to valuable use, and they didn't come in vomitous neon pink".
Because if her Pentagon-smasher necklace were pink, that'd just spoil everything.
""Cram Rockwell paintings, THIS is the American dream", Dusty thought with a smile".
"America", being an ancient and defunct country that thought it owned the universe.
And "Rockwell", being a painter with too much sincerity for his own good, but in the end who did no harm.
Yes, I can certainly see how the one follows the other on a moral scale...
"Eidie was shoveling down a bowl of Zam Bonies, and he didn't mind at all".
Thank you, Prince Toaster Pastry.
My life has meaning now.
""Kimber, Irma, Chokie, the shit we've been through, and they never broke your spirit", he thought as he ogled her up and down".
How are her ordeals and accomplishments part of "we"?
"He looked at Eidie, and saw Chokie in her future.
"You lucky, lucky, girl", he thought.
Then, he felt sad for everyone else's daughters".
I'm not your daughter, creepo.
(Sing-song-y) she's a leg-end waiting to happeeeen!
No, dipshit, I done happened.
"Chokie noticed the smiling, and smiled back".
*Grumble, eye roll*
"All of this couldn't be more perfect if flying saucers were outside the windows vomiting forth flocks of choir-ing angels guided along green tractor beams".
Angels being demigods.
One of the ancient forms of worship, and therefore a thing considered God, was the sun.
And demigods off the sun, being the race of Stars, who in one universe, live in our sun, and who's superhero is Superstar.
So, you could call him an angel.
He's not gonna play a harp anytime soon though.
BUT, Superstar founded The Superior Seven.
Which consisted of Superstar, Glob (1987 monster incarnation), Street Fight Pumpkin, George Ginespurn, Marvin Metamorph, Robo-Bo-Bo, and The Twornkie.
So, they were a legion of honorary demigods.
And they fought aliens in saucers.
So, with some dimensional transporting, that whole scene could come true.
Singing lessons would have to be involved though.
But, before Superstar founded that team, there was Jellybean Man.
And just after him, Tuperbird (Tuper = Tough + Super).
And just after him, Superstar as a solo act.
And just after him, Glob (1985 slime blob version).
And just after him, Squabsy, a sad attempt at a more G-rated character, who was quickly and happily killed by Glob. He was the Harryverse Jar-Jar.
And just after him, came Roboton Defenders, a bunch of changing robots, whose only survivor ended up being Kadoonk, a robot that turned into a B.B. gun.
And just after him, Superstar got Superior Seven up and running.
But then, when the Superior Seven fell apart, Superstar made a team of third stringers, including Kadoonk, Tuperbird, Jellybean Man, and a clone of 1985 Glob.
And they were wiped out.
By saucer aliens.
Again, not the angelic scene Dusty was hoping for.
But, sadly, and oddly, the best the multiverse has to offer.
Now, in the background, if we pause and zoom in, as the third-stringer Superstar team was dying off, we can see a stick-man eating pellets of goat shit as they fall warm out of the goat's ass.
We've got a child with his eyeballs ripped out tugging at his mother's skirt screaming "mommyyyy!!", while his bloody eyes are being held up happily by his playful and adorable baby brother.
We have a vomiting video game blip interacting with reality somehow.
We have a man getting "laser hemorrhoid surgery", and getting his entire lower half blasted off and incinerated in an open strip mall window.
This is probably causing the blip to puke.
Or else, the eyeless kid.
We have a bakery in the same strip mall called "Dridgerbread Man", run by a gingerbread man.
We have an invisible man sitting at an outdoor table in front of "Dridgerbread Man", wearing only white gloves, eating fruit salad without silverware.
We have a talking Teddy bear experiencing diarrhea at a fast food burger restaurant in the strip mall.
We have a humanoid pile of stomachs called Gastro The Intestinator using his bowel-kinesis to cause the Teddy bear to poop himself from a passing pickup truck.
We have a man at the same burger restaurant dropping dead of hunger pains in the parking lot before he gets inside.
We have a three year old child's crayon scribble rendition of the The Prodigious Mass looking up at the death of Jellybean Man in dazed confusion.
We have a humanoid pile of apples called Appletron with mouths on his head, feet, and hands (which are all single apples), that make apple crunching sounds, and nothing else.
He does nothing to help the fight.
He just crunches.
He just keeps crunching.
It's most unsettling.
And we have a man at the dentist, again, at the strip mall, and if we zoom in on his mouth, Super-Smile is fighting green clumps of filth inside the mouth.
If this green filth represents plaque, then this man must not have brushed, or even used his own saliva in 50 years.
If a miniaturized superhero has to clean your mouth, you've made several bad life choices.
Nope, none of this represents a glimmer of an angelic host either.
In all the dimensions, this is as close as we get.
Heckuva thing, when you really think about it.
Let's see....in the dentist's waiting room, is a children's storybook about a ogre who peels apart and rearranges the rainbow, and changes the world's colors, and two (now green) little boys have to ascend the rainbow with bubblegum bubbles, fix the rainbow, and defeat the ogre.
But only a brief respite, because, in the same waiting room, on the television, is "Grossey Mosey", a crappy evolutionary precursor to "The Krazyfool Show", and the host is being punched in the head by giant brass knuckles, cracking his head like an egg, and causing his brain to roll out on the floor to the screams of the studio audience.
If this is a gag, he's going way too far into it.
I've seen crazier stunts though.
Someone changes the channel, and it's a low budget public access outer space show about three space cadets, two men, one woman, and the leader is a mutant with bulletproof eyes, and a scratchy voice.
The woman says "asaboonie!", instead of cursing.
It makes no sense at all.
In another universe, this inspires Wayne Vance to play Planetary Patrolman, and later become Commander Continuum.
It just makes you want to die.
My cyber-self takes all this in sitting at a table at the playground at the burger restaurant with my tablet computer.
At the table next to me, is a man made out of cut out paper, and drawn in crayon.
He introduces himself as Ricky Recoil.
I sigh again.
Really long way of saying, nope, no angels.
I really did.
I'm a living planet with a dimension scope.
"Dusty finally slapped on the JS mask, threw on his coat, and said "whelp, better hit the old dusty trail! Don't wanna be late!", with genuine pep".
"He flipped up the mask, and kissed Chokie passionately on the way out.
"Because that's what we do"".
"Eidie rolled her eyes, and she followed after him, because he was her ride to her shift at Lovely's".
And guess what he played on the radio?
Fucking Round Dog.
Anyway, that was season 3 in a nutshell.
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