Friday, December 23, 2016

QD:Season 2, Chapter 25. (The Lost Chapters, 2015)

Before Harry showed up in 2016, this stuff happened in 2015.

Chapter 20.1. (Flagentula)

Jade Shade flashes back to his Flagentula meetings (see "Jade Shade vs. The Incarceration Racket") that happened in between each chapter of seasons 1-2 up to this point.
Willguy is retcon-ed in more, and we get recipes of foods served at Flagentula.
(See gorge-athon at Shmegalamonga for those)

Chapter 20.2. (The Angry Draft)

Mike Meggison (of the QD universe) flashes back to writing "The Books Of Blah", under a bad spell of depression and paranoia during a particularly gloomy winter, and this leads right up to him getting the e-mail from Jade Shade in season 1, chapter 30.

During his paranoia, he's haunted by strange nightmares.
These include-
-Mummified starving African kid with red eyes and fangs.
-Monkey caterpillar.
-Monkey fetuses in an Asprin tin that you put on pizza to become immortal.
-"The boy who cried brains", a fake b-movie playing on a broken unplugged TV with a smashed out corner of the screen that reveals the zombie kid is IN the TV.
-Veins in the cookie jar! What it sounds like. A cackling cartoonish villain puts a rolled up ball of dripping veins in a cookie jar to be found.
-Sentient orange gooey skull necklaces that make out with each other, and burn the wearers, while a trailer narrator says "The Skulls Of Astaroth!!".
-A fat guy getting his legs crimped off by a metal scissor blade crusher thing, and then carried away by a conveyor belt bloodlessly like they're empty Muppet legs, while he calmly chants " legs".
-A cute chick with ear length black hair dressed as a cupid, pricks herself with her own arrow, and dies. Mike bawls over this like they've been married for years or something.
-In The Finich. (see Shmegalamonga)
-A million ones where Mike's wandering a flea market, and can't find anything good.
-Sex toilets. This weird giant school gym sized public restroom with these things that are like urinals, but bigger, and you get naked, and get up on this shelf on your knees, and there's a hole you poke your dick in, and maybe there's someone on the other side, maybe it's a machine, you're never told, and then after you cum, you flush the sex toilet, and it washes away the cum, and washes your cock-n-balls. Then a blow dryer dries you off. They're co-ed, there's ones with a girl attachment, there's no privacy walls, and they convince everyone in the world to use them, because they're from Europe.
-Mike meets Margaret Bonanno at a book signing, and her book has a ziploc bag in the back full of deli meats. Merlin shows up, and tells him the time he spent a stint in debtor's prison.
-Mike reads a creepy picture story book about a rocking chair with a creepy face carved on it that's alive. Mike turns out to be sitting in this chair, and screams.
-A certain furry sidekick from a certain space opera franchise meets the evil wizard of same franchise, and goes bald, and gets beef jerky fingers from an evil spell from said wizard. A certain space pirate casually shoots the wizard, and tells the furry sidekick he'll "fix him with the cellular sorter".
-A teacher says "you're failing quest because your bones are too soft".
-Mike's dad fights a pack of wolves, ripping their bottom jaws off, and throwing them into a pile.
-Mike goes to his neighbor's and gains entry into his home pretending to be "the meat man". He's originally planning to kill him, but he finds he enjoys selling his neighbor's family meat, and his hatred subsides. Then he admits he was going to kill them, but changed his mind. This causes them to accuse him of tainting the meat profession, and they throw the meat into a trash crusher under a trapdoor in the kitchen floor. Mike weeps for the destruction of all that good meat, and learns his lesson. That being, keep your foiled murder plots to yourself. Especially with meat at stake.

All of this becomes "Books Of Blah", fodder.

Chapter 20.3. (Hembooks: Afermath!)

The Hembooks come out, and Mike is emotionally abused for it by internet trolls.
His sense of vengeance leads to him deciding to help JS write QD all the more.

Chapter 20.4. (The Mask Mark Infinity!)

Jade Shade gets tech upgraded with a mask with holographic morphing, and a new suit lined with composite metal foams that can take a pounding from a Gatling gun, and an invisible coating of aero-gel that can shrug off incendiary levels of heat.

Also, a new wrist dart launcher with darts tipped with a drug called "Quantum Dissolve", made from Commander Continuum's spinal fluids, and Mister Sleepy Seed's hallucinogens, that makes a villain hallucinate melting away into a puddle of green slime, then waking up with a reformed character. Sadly, there's not enough of this drug to go around, plus some get side effects of becoming even worse villains.

But hey, thanks for trying, Dr. Herbert!
A for effort!

Chapter 20.5. (Zone Obtruder)

JS also gets a new pimped out motorcycle with the same armor as his new suit.
Chokecherry designed it, Dr. Herbert fabricated it, and gadget-ed it up.
JS calls it Zone Obtruder (duh!).
It's Teetso 9.5.
T.E.E.T.S.O. being Terrestrial Evacuation, Exploration, and To Spy On.
Teetsos 1-9 being Dr. Herbert's previous vehicles going back to his childhood tricycle.
Teetso 10 being a rocket pack, but we'll get to that later.

Chapter 20.6. (Fuck Hospitals)

Offal has to sit in a waiting room, and observes all the freaks, and jots mean things about them for future comedy routines into a notepad he keeps at all times.

Chapter 20.7. (It's just movies, folks)

"Spook Smashers", gets a female reboot, and the internet loses its shit.
The haters become a movement of neo-Nazis, and endorse a guy called Broompt for president.
Liberals split over whether they're Nazis, and become completely ineffectual and worthless.
Chokecherry just starts hurting the Nazis whenever they get too rapey and doxxy.
This starts a proper second-wave feminist counter-movement, and "Spook Smashers", makes a billion worldwide.
Broompt is sent home packing on election night, and his company stock plunges into the core of the Earth, and he and his children become homeless, and are urinated on by black people.

Chapter 20.8. (Jade Shade meets God)

Jade Shade gets accidentally dosed with Quantum Dissolve, and has a lucid Near Death type experience where he meets God, and immediately kills God with logic.

After God dies, The Devil takes over, but Jade Shade wraps conflicting Bible passages about the Devil around his bat, and smashes the Devil's head in.

Televangelists and conservative talk-radio hosts nationwide howl and wail with despair over the loss of The Devil, as he was the true support beam to their whole racket.

JS awakens refreshed and happy, immune now to Quantum Dissolve.

Chapter 20.9. (Streetsweepers vs Legion Of Liberty vs Deathgrasp)

Just like it sounds.
It would have been, I mean was, glorious.

Chapter 20.9.1. (Jade Shade vs The Green Monster)

A neat meta looping back to his own origins in convenient handy fight form.

Chapter 20.9.2. (The conspiracy unravels)

Jade Shade and Chokecherry find out that the Elisa Jack kids are all really alive, brainwashed, and sent to Canada. They free them from their programming with a modified formula of Quantum Dissolve, and send them back home.

They also finally find and kill the architect of the conspiracy against Dusty, and we learn the convoluted reasons why.
...I wish I knew.
Dusty probably threatened someone's power somehow.
That's usually what it is.
Humans aren't very complicated.

Then chapters 21-24 happened.
And Harry unwittingly erased all of these in timelines 2 and 3.


B. D. said...

Oooo, I get retconned. Awesome.

You actually got blasted by Internet trolls over the Harry Hembock books? Where? That "Wordforge" place? I only went there like twice.

"The haters become a movement of neo-Nazis, and endorse a guy called Broompt for president."

LOL, I remember El Flatulato...

Diacanu said...

Meh, I got a little bit of shit from a couple dickheads, but everything in JS-verse is more dire, so...

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