Thought of the day.

In the Ayn Rand rant, I voiced my personal misgivings about the line between confidence, and ego, and how it applied to my own art thusly...

"And this "low self esteem", shit bugs me.
Again, what if you are a fucking hack, and you think you're fucking great, and you don't fucking care?
Ayn Rand offers no antidote to this.
Indeed, such a person doesn't exist in Ayn Rand's world.
If you made money, that's good enough.
If someone paid you, you must be good.
If you're rich, you must be really good.

By that criteria, Britney Spears is the greatest singer who ever lived.

But anyone with taste and a fucking brain fucking knows better.

There's no answer on offer for this in Ayn Rand land.
None.
Her black & white choices are be a dick waving egoist, or accept your doom.
And if you're one who frets about if they're a hack, AND doesn't get rich on top of it, then you must suck.
And that's it, that's all you were worth, throw yourself in the garbage.

The only cure is blind ego, by fiat, from nothing, and if you were paid, then it confirms that ego.
And that's it.
That's all there is in Rand land.

Go around the loop as many times you like, that's the only answer you'll ever get.

For a guy like me loaded up with angst, it wasn't a fun trip.
All I got for my troubles was dizzy.
And depressed.
And still with unanswered questions".

Well, today, the depressing answer occured to me, that the sort of answer I'm looking for will never come, because absolute metaphysical certitude about my abilities will never come.

Well, depressing for awhile, until I considered that....as horrific as it is that absolute metaphysical certitude will never come....the alternative is...the horror if there were a source of absolute metaphysical certitude.

If some fucking God patted me on the head and arbitrarily called me worthy, while people I love and respect aren't.

Nope, couldn't live like that, and I'm glad the universe doesn't work that way.

Still, tch, damn.

Yeah, I know why people look for that objective standard, it sure is tempting.

But...I refuse it.
Like all the other supernatural security blankets.

Given the choice, I'll take the artistic angst.

(Addendum)