Big 2018 Movies Part 13.

• Parts 1-9:
• Big summer 2018 movies recap.
• Part 10 (GB: Crossing Over)
• Part 11 (Venom)
• Part 12 (Halloween)

At long fucking last, its.....


Death House (2018)

Previously-

• The initial announcement.
• The list of horror celebs involved.

So, was it worth the long-ass wait?
Ehhhhh.....

Was it as horrible as my worst fears?
Oh, Hell no, I've seen way worse.
In fact, I've seen way worse with Robert Englund in it (Moleman, Inkubus), which perplexes me all the more that he wasn't in this.

Would I recommend it?
Ehhhh.....

I have to break it down into pluses and minuses.

Pluses-

• The practical gore effects are actually pretty damned good.
• Every time you get a horror celeb, they do well with what they have to work with. You'll smile when they pop up. 
• I needed a printout of the IMDB list and the pause button to try to spot everyone, and I still didn't get everybody, so you'll need multiple watches to spot 'em all.
• Kane Hodder actually gives the best performance in this.
• If you're in this for the cameos, you'll be a happy camper.
• If you're in it for dumb gore-hound fun you'll be a happy camper.

Minuses-

• Everyone who isn't one of our beloved old-timers acts like a piece of wood. Especially the two young leads. Ugh!
• We really could have used Robert Englund to spice it up with some of his hammy jokes. Seriously, where was he? 
• I dunno if it was the cameras, the lighting, or what, but it looks like a goddamned Youtube fan-film. For the effort that went into the effects, it could have looked a lot better.
• Gratuitous un-sexy co-ed shower scene that didn't get me hard at all. Look, if you're going to be gratuitous, titillate me, or don't do the scene. If you're not going to titillate me, make it serve the story. You can't have that shit both ways. 
• Weakest element though, was the script. I love and miss you, Gunnar Hansen, but this thing needed a script doctor. If I were the producer, I'd've gotten someone really good to fix this mess, and still give Gunnar credit to be protective and kind. It has the ingredients to be incredible. The character's journey through this super-prison is supposed to parallel if not outright update Dante's Inferno. Well, Dante's Inferno is rich with gory shit, and social satire to pull from. If they'd used more Dante, it actually would have been better. There's a scene in Dante with guys dipped upside down in liquid shit with the heels of their feet lit on fire. Eat your heart out, Tom Six! Where was that? And for social commentary, they could have goofed on Gitmo, and Trump putting Mexican babies in detainment camps, etc, etc, et-fucking-cetera. They brush their fingertips against it, but don't really dig into it. Were they afraid of pissing off rednecks? I dunno. Dante is raw visceral satire, they really could have gone full South Park with this. 
• Camille's Keaton's cameo was a re-enactment of her "I Spit On Your Grave", rape scene right down her her screaming "bastard!". It's about 10 seconds. No other lines than that. I was bummed. I wanted more. I wanted her to be a full fledged character like Kane got to be.
• Felissa Rose gets more screen-time, but no real lines that I can remember.
• The bleak tone. If this thing exists to be a "Cannonball Run", of horror folks for fans, don't get pretentious. I think Bruce Campbell's "Bruce vs Frankenstein", would have delivered the goods better. A shame that never came together.
• This can be salvaged though. You can use the Bacon points. Someone could make another better crossover movie, and reference the existence of this prison, like "Hatchet 2", referencing Leslie Vernon, which referenced Freddy and Jason. The ultimate horror crossover can still be puzzle-pieced together. This movie just existing is a good thing. 

Overall, if you're chomping at the bit to see this as a Fango fan, go ahead and give it a whirl.
You knew it wasn't ever going to be "Silence Of The Lambs", it is what it is.

If indie exploitation horror isn't your cuppa to begin with, this review isn't gonna persuade you to see it, even if I had given it a fucking 10 out of 10.

I'd give it a wavey hand, but worth seeing.
Again, if you're a longtime hardcore fan.
If you're not in that community, probably give it a miss.

Will I buy this on physical media?
Ehhh...
We'll see.
I don't think so.
Could change my mind.
Depends on the bonus materials.


So, there's that one done.


Next time, "The Girl In The Spider's Web", then "Creed 2", then "Into The Spider-Verse", and "Aquaman".