See if I can kill 'em off before 3 AM, which is Google's midnight.
Merry F#%in' Christmas (2005)
A Christmas special, expanded off of the puppetoon skit, expanded off the Denis Leary song.
Hosted by Leary, with a similar variety show format to the Colbert special, but, full on R rated, and grouchy, and cynical.
I love it.
It could be better, but....this is as good as we have for these sorts of specials for now.
Our culture needs to get a few shades even darker to nail the exact kind of special I'd like to see.
Think "Woodland Critter Christmas", for real.
Home Alone (1990)
Yeah, I always forget this happens on Christmas.
All right, I don't love this, or even dig it, but, I'm kinda forced to acknowledge it.
This was an unstoppable juggernaut.
I'm very surprised this isn't one of the big Christmas flicks basic cable plays as an old standby.
I think....the combination of the shitty cynical sequels that bled it out, and Culkin's implosion into a bony junkie, kind of depress everyone.
I dunno, I guess I'm sick, I'd like to see a "Home Alone", reunion for that exact reason.
Fucked up junkie Kevin vs old-age Wet Bandits with bad hips?
Hell, yeah, sign me up for that.
We're talking a full-on "Ed Wood", situation there.
I'll have my ticket pre-bought online for that one.
Okay, if you're expecting this to be something jolly, like "Santa Claus The Movie", it's just gonna punch you in the stomach, like it did me all those years ago.
But, if you go into this, knowing from the outset, that's it's going be a dark piece of wicked, you can kinda laugh at it as an odd little sort of horror movie.
Like, think....Kapra meets Hitchcock.
Yeah, I now think only the marketing campaign for this was wrong.
Reindeer Games (2000)
Universally despised.
Let it into your heart, with pity, like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree.
Throw Bill Murray into the midst of ghosts, or into a temporal anomaly, and you get gold.
Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)
See here for the savage boiling hypocrisy surrounding the condemnation this film garnered, and see why I hate critics, and the larger Hollywood system.
Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)
The source of the "garbage day!", meme!
YAY!!!!
...oh, I mean, (Siskel voice) shame, shame, shame!
Silent Night (2012)
Yeah...they did a remake....everything 80's is getting assraped with a remake...
Well, this franchise already got assraped with 3 other shitty sequels.
One of them even had Mickey Rooney.
I shit you not.
The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
I hear tell Dick Cheny authorized its use on prisoners at Gitmo.
Seems like something he'd do....
Anyway, this is really horrible.
It raises blisters like mustard gas.
You'll beg for Jar-Jar with gushing tears in your eyes when it's done.
This happened, "Howard The Duck", happened, but..."The Phantom Menace", still took Americans by surprise.
Go figure.
Stephen King couldn't write that shit.
The Ref (1994)
Yep, this was about Christmas.
Denis Leary's first stab at "Merry F#%in' Christmas", looking back in hindsight.
I liked the idea of it, and parts of it.
Anything that shat all over suburban whiny privileged yuppies got my rocks off, but, anytime they made the Spacey character sympathetic, I started to eye-roll.
And to fuck with their stupid kid.
Kill him.
Fucking Hollywood, and their need for syrupy redemptive endings.
It falls apart.
Overall, blah.
BUT...after a torture session with "The Star Wars Holiday Special", you'll be rubbing this greedily on your raw bloody gum holes.
Give this one a pass, really.
I throw this out as further example of how early 90's Hollywood had really lost its own hand in front of its face in the snowstorm.
Oh, man, I just clicked into it, you know what they were going for?
"Home Alone".
Yeah, they only knew how to copy other shit.
Well...it's still like that.
Assholes.
But...like I said...I still like the idea of abusing yuppies...the movie I saw in the trailer, I really dug.
I think this can be remade into something.
Christ, they remake shit into worse shit, why not actually fix a movie with promise?
Dream on, Mike.
Tenchi The Movie 2: The Daughter Of Darkness (1997)
Christmas...isn't really a thing in Japan.
I'm decently sure Tenchi and his family are Shinto...and/or whatever the fuck Juraians are.
And yet, here it is, the Tenchi Christmas movie....
Go figure.
Well, "Robot Chicken", did their take on an anime Christmas...but this is the real thing!
And, there's no tentacle monster, or "Akira", blobs, but...there's hypnotic incest, the killing of children, and the justified homicide of a mentally ill homicidal monster which itself is the equivalent of a disturbed child.
Yes, it's actually a bigger stomach punch than "One Magic Christmas", if you can believe it.
But, you know what saves it?
I give a shit about these characters.
They earned that from me.
Trading Places (1983)
Yep, this is a Christmas flick.
You've got that sequence where drunken Dan Aykroyd is in the Santa suit, right?
There you go.
I dunno, I happen to think this flick warned us about Wall Street swine better than "Wall Street".
And yet....everyone was seemingly fucking asleep when that whole godawful derivatives market became "a big thing", and eclipsed the trading in actual goods by Hulk-sized leaps, and bounds.
So, yeah, this is a prophetic horror movie now.
Let it tingle your spine.
Ooof, 3:30 AM, not gonna make it.....
Twisted Christmas (1987-2002)
Some radio stations still play these.
A welcome relief, compared to when some asshole at your job plays country music Christmas shit.
*Shiver*
I keep posting Youtubes of these, and they keep getting taken down.
Search 'em yourself.
It's too frustrating to keep the links current.
Venture Bros: A Very Venture Christmas (2004)
You know your Christmas special's written by geeks, when they remember to throw in Krampus.
Hey, Hallmark, make a line of Krampus Christmas cards, you pussies.
We Wish You A Metal Christmas: And A Headbanging New Year (2008)
Well, this had better be better than the last one....
Ahh, yes, better, that woke me up!
ROAARR!!
Heh heh...
Ahh, Alice....
Well, that album goes on next year's Christmas list.....
South Park (2004)
"Woodland Critter Christmas".
Sacrifices, blood orgies, Santa wasting demonic critters with a shotgun, and a Christmas abortion.
And, the final punchline involves AIDS.
Screw Mr. Hanky, this is South Park's greatest Christmas episode.
Probably my favorite episode period.
I wish I could send it back in time, and force my elementary school teachers to watch it strapped down to hospital beds, and watch them lose their fucking minds in a liberal douchebag hypocrite meldown froth.
But...I'll just settle for that this exists.
And, that a new generation of kids gets warped by it.
There's always that.
And, ho-ho-hoo!
It's really Christmas!
Tomorrow...well...daylight of today....the Christmas compilation.
So, last year, on X-Maseve, I did children's Christmas.
Now, adult Christmas.
Cuz, I'm a hairy ol' jaded bastid now, and I needs it dark.
Twisted Sister: A Twisted Christmas (2006)
Natch!
*Headbangs*
*Tear of joy* *Sniff*
Ahh, doesn't that feel better already?
A Very Sunny Christmas (2010)
Beautiful.
And, it's coming on in 15 minutes from the moment I'm typing this right now.
Baby Jesus only knows when the hell I'll be done enough to post this shit.
As I've posted many places on this blog...this is about the only sitcom worth a damn.
The big 3 networks just make baby food for the autistic.
American Dad (2010)
"For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls".
Steve kills Santa, but not really, cuz Santa is immortal, so Santa comes back for revenge, and the Smiths spend Christmas Eve fighting a war with Santa, and his elves.
Delightful....delightful.
Bad Santa (2003)
Holy shit, after this New Years, this'll be a decade old.
Anyhoo, Comedy Central played the uncensored version of this just last night.
So, this is easy to find.
No worries.
Yep, this happens during Christmas time.
It's the Batman Christmas movie.
Forgot that, dincha?
And, it's also got Danny DeVito, so, he was raping Christmas for a long time.
You young kids take it all for granted now.
Black Christmas (1974)
Still pretty disturbing, even today.
Check it out.
Black Christmas (2006)
Tch, yeah, and they remade it.
*Eye roll*
Blackadder's Christmas Carol (1988)
Man, if I didn't owe it to you people to do these blogs tonight, I'd be watching this right now.
The best Scrooge adaptation/parody right after "Scrooged".
Look, all of Blackadder is fucking great, just get the ultimate boxed set of the whole thing.
If you've never seen it...well, do it.
Get the damned thing, it'll change your life.
Forever.
The Boondocks (2005)
"A Huey Freeman Christmas".
Riley's trying to beat the shit out of Santa for not giving him and his brother anything while they were poor, and Huey is making a school play telling the TRUE story of Christmas, titled "The Adventures of Black Jesus".
Shenanigans ensue.
A Christmas Story (1983)
Damn, next year, this is gonna be 30.
Well...I don't have to say anything here, you know it by heart by now.
TNT and TBS take turns playing it for 24 hours on...well...tonight!
It's on right now!
Peter Billingsley has turned this into a Broadway musical, and, a hack DVD sequel has come out for it that you should avoid at all costs.
This already has a sequel. And, a threequel.
"My Summer Story", picks up from right after "A Christmas Story", and uses up the rest of the childhood stories from the same novel "In God We Trust (All Others Pay Cash)".
It also goes under the title "It Runs In The Family".
It's not bad, not as good as ACS, but, it's still Gene Shepherd's writing and narrating.
Then, there's "Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss", where Ralphie is a bit older, his early teens, and played by Jerry O'Connell.
That one uses up every last little decent scraps of the novel.
I've read the book, and um, the stories of adult Ralph plain suck.
You're not missing anything.
These three movies make up all the good stuff.
Check 'em out.
If you're an ACS fan, you'll enjoy.
But, again, avoid "A Christmas Story 2", it says "The Official Sequel", but Gene Shepherd is dead, so, who the fuck authorized it?
Nope, it's bullshit.
Doesn't count.
Ignore.
Christmas Vacation (1989)
I saw this at the theater when it first came out.
My folks saw "War Of The Roses".
They raved about it, but, I saw it later, and I thought it was lame.
And, history proved me right, who talks about "The War Of The Roses", now?
Hmm?
"Christmas Vacation", had the 24 hour marathon thingie last year.
And, there's those Old Navy ads with the Vacation cast members.
There you go, it's fast becoming the next "A Christmas Story".
I win.
At the time...I thought it was weak compared to "European Vacation", which I was ga-ga over.
But...take it in isolation as its own Christmas flick, it's pretty good.
"A Christmas Story", good?
Ehhh....yeah, just about.
It's aged like a fine wine.
Christmas Evil (1980)
Did the whole killer Santa thing before "Silent Night, Deadly Night".
Don't know much about it, but, it's a John Waters favorite, so, that makes me stand up, and take notice.
Will Vinton's Claymation Christmas (1987)
Ahh, remember claymation?
Oh, all right, yes, there's Nick Park...
But remember claymation on acid?
Yeah, that's the Wil Vinton shiznit, man.
A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All! (2008)
I've got to confess, I've despised every celebrity cavalcade variety show the 70's and 80's ever shat out.
And then, when Neil Diamond, and Kathy Lee Gifford kept turd-logging them out onto America's chest in the 90's, I received the news with even less jubilance.
Well, this is like those, but finally good.
This is the antidote to those awful years of torture, gen-Xers.
Yeah, see, you forget this one happened around Christmas-time, right?
Yep, it's the Christmas action movie.
Well...the Batman-less one.
Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!
Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
I miss ya, Jim Varney.
So, this one is about Santa retiring, and having to pass his job, and superpowers, on to a new guy.
That was a new twist that hadn't been done before.
Of course, Ernest has to save Christmas.
This, and "Goes To Camp", were the best Ernest movies.
They gradually went downhill after this.
I dunno, I think this deserves to slug it out with "A Christmas Story", and "Christmas Vacation".
This one was immediately followed up with one where Ernest gets the chair.
No, seriously.
I love that.
You didn't see Jimmy Stewart get the chair after "It's A Wonderful Life".
We should have though.
Jimmy's electrified death dance would have been nuanced, and riveting, I'm sure.
You were a national treasure, Jim Varney.
You'll be remembered long after Jim Carry-s, and Zach Galifianakis-s of this world are dust scattered on the breeze.
I promise.
Family Guy (2010)
"Road to the North Pole".
Brian and Stewey go to the North Pole, and discover Santa exists, and is being crushed under the greed and avarice of the Western World, and Santa's Village is a polluted nightmare hellscape where the living envy the dead.
Delightful....delightful.
Futurama (1999)
"X-Mas Story".
The first one with Robot Santa.
In the future, we learn, sometime in the 2800's, they built a robot Santa to make him real, but, a programming glitch makes him a killer, and now Christmas is a day of terror and horror where you hide from Santa.
Yep, another one that's during Christmas, but you always forget it's technically a Christmas movie.
Shit, if we're going by favorites, I could stop right here, I think we've got the fucking winner.
The darkest, spoofiest, grisliest, etc, Christmas flick ever.
THIS oughtta be our 24 hour marathon, dammit.
How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)
Yep, this still holds up.
BUT....I side with the Grinchy Grinch.
Christmas IS a disgusting gluttonous beast that can't be sated.
At least the marketed side of it.
Charlie Brown, and Grinch, both warn us every year, and every year, it gets more morbid regardless.
They are not heeded at all.
If you went out, right now, and actually stole Christmas, people wouldn't sing in the town square, they'd rip your skin off with fishhooks.
THEN the children would sing.
With bloodied little faces.
Ho-ho-ho!
He-Man, She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985)
Orko swipes a spaceship that Man-At-Arms is working on, warps to Earth, and crashes, and then meets human children who teach him about The Magic Baby, and then something-something, Santa, and shopping.
Orko brings Christmas back to Eternia, and it fucks everything up.
It even makes Skeletor's remaining ball fall off.
It took being played by Sexy Dracula to antidote this condition.
It's the worst thing you ever saw.
But, amusingly so.
Total mockery fodder.
That's enough for now, this is a big batch, so, I'm cutting it in half.
"Metal Hurlant", is the European title for "Heavy Metal".
Yeah, it's live-action, but, hey, my loophole is, all these other cartoons are off of live-action properties, so, it's fitting that Heavy Metal does it in reverse.
Anyhoo, this is French/Belgian, and hasn't come to US shores yet.
I expect HBO or Showtime will grab it, before it goes to DVD.
It's an anthology of 3 rotating stories taken from the magazine.
Future seasons will do more.
It's your one way ticket to midnight!!!
Call it!! Metal Hurlant!!
Higher than high, feelin' just right!!
Call it!! Metal Hurlant!!
Desperation on a red liiine!!
Call it!! Metal Hurlant!! Noooiisse!!!
Men In Black: The Animated Series (1997)
Yeah...MIB is kinda like alien Ghostbusters, when you think about it, and this competed with "Extreme Ghostbusters", at the time.
Okay, MIB curb-stomped poor "Extreme Ghostbusters", because MIB was the recent box-office hit, and GB was an abandoned forgotten franchise, but, IMO, they were roughly of equal quality.
Anyway, I guess this probably fits between the two movies.
Tales From The Cryptkeeper (1993)
"Tales From The Crypt", in G-rated animated form.
John Kassir still did Cryptie for this.
I'm dead certain they did this to compete with "Goosebumps".
I hope all you grown 90's children have now built your way up to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2", and "Human Centipede 2", and can finally see why us real horror fans were biting our lips with bottled frustration.
On the one hand, we didn't wanna piss on your parades if in fact, "Goosbumps", was going to be the gateway drug, but on the other hand, our brains were screaming "hurry the fuck up, and grow up, and get into real horror already, you little runts! Gah! This watered down shit is so annoying! I did all that hard work of getting de-sensitized and toughened up on HBO in the 80's for this??".
Seriously.
Also, funny story, I got my cyber-moniker, Diacanu, from an Aeon flux episode....and in the DVD...some dialog is re-dubbed, and "Diacanu", has been turned to "Turkalu".
Seriously, I compared the tape to the DVD.
So....WTF?
Does....that mean Diacanu is totally mine now?
I'd settle for it being public domain.
What does it mean?
I dunno.
Still scratching my head.
Get back to me, Peter Chung.
Beavis and Butt-Head (1992)
Yeah, dammit, I should have thrown "Beavis and Butt-Head Do America", into "cartoons to live action", and changed the title, but...eh, no going back.
But, I'm throwing 'em in here, cuz they kinda just go with Aeon in my nostalgic mind.
Anyway, this is back now.
I wasn't impressed at first, but the new ones are growing on me.
Comedy Central marathon-ed the new batch, alternating with "South Park", reruns.
It was sweet.
*Watching the cartoon* Well...I would have liked it as a kid...but even then, only slightly better than say, Muppet Babies, which would have been its lead-in.
Yes, "parents groups", kept it off our local CBS affiliate.
Assholes.
When it was supposed to come on, it switched over to fucking golf.
I've never stopped hating golf.
"Beavis and Butt-Head", "South Park", and a ton of other cartoons make this look like Carebears now.
Shit, the cards made it look like Carebears.
And still the stupid wussies cried.
And, inspired the live-action Dolph Lundgren vehicle.
Um, well, yes, I'm aware that the internet has taken to...well, gaying this thing up, what with the Youtube vids of Prince Adam singing "what's going on", and such.
It's the pink shirt, isn't it?
I dunno, I've heard tell that there was a colorblind guy at Filmation that no one had the heart to fire.
There's some credence to that, because lots of inexplicable things were turned pink and purple by this guy.
The Kzinti in animated Star Trek, Bat-Mite in the 70's animated Batman, it kept cropping up.
Adam's shirt was blue in the DC comics that thought him up. *Shrug*
Yeah, people will point out other things they thought were "gay", but all those things could be pointed out about other things that don't get the hipster treatment.
It really is just the pink shirt.
Well...the pink thing is a manufactured social convention from, yet again, the latter-half of the stupid 20th century anyway.
But, that's a dissection for another post, cuz, that gets into a whole thing.
Suffice it to say, grow up, folks.
G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero (1985)
Ran concurrently with Transformers, was from the same toy company, and theoretically, existed in the same universe.
They even crossed over many times over the last 25 years or so.
Patrick Warburton was Buzz Lightyear, and everything Patrick Warburton does is gold, so, you know it was good.
Street Fighter II V (1995)
I've heard good things.
Chiefly, that it equals, and even surpasses, the quality of the anime film.
Well, something in this franchise had better be good, after the punishment of the 2 live-action films.
Mortal Kombat: Defenders Of The Realm (1996)
No way, Ron Perlman was in this?
And Luke Perry?
How do these things happen?
*Watches clips*
No thanks.
Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005)
I didn't keep up with this, but everyone raved about it.
I have caught all up with SF Debris's reviews, which are very thorough, so, I feel like I've seen it.
Those pretty much contain everything I would have retained from viewing, anyway.
So, I gotta agree, it's quite a saga.
Ben 10 (2005)
In three years, this will be 10.
They'll have to do something big for it.
A movie, or something.
Anyway, bubble-busting time, kids, this was all ripped off from "Dial 'H', for Hero".
Top to bottom.
Merry Christmas.
B-)
Inspector Gadget (1983)
Eh, it was cute.
Penny had a tablet PC 30 years ahead of time.
But...60's Star Trek had 'em before even that.
One of the first anime to hit our shores.
This, Astro Boy, and Gigantor.
MTV reran these.
Eh, all right.
Except...for Spritle and Chim-Chim.
*Shiver*
Countless adult cartoons have spoofed this.
There was also a comic by NOW comics.
Remember them?
There was an annoying talking bird sidekick.
And, it wasn't voiced by Gilbert Gottfried.
Despite these glaring drawbacks, it was watchable.
Rambo: The Force Of Freedom (1986)
An animated series, based on a movie, that's a sequel to another movie, that's based on a novel, about a crazy Vietnam vet, who in the original ending, shoots himself.
I want you to reflect on that, America.
Let that sink in.
You actually did this.
James Bond Jr. (1991)
Nope, it wasn't Bond's son, it was a nephew, or something.
Okay, you're telling me with all the women Bond has boned, he doesn't have an army of illegitimate kids that could have taken the mantle?
Whatever...
Yeah, okay, I get it, they were trying to create future fans of the franchise, like the whole Cryptie thing.
Doesn't mean I gotta dig it.
I mean, Bond without blood and tits?
Why bother?
Black Dynamite (2012)
It's not fair, children of the 70's deserved this.
Get working on that time machine, NASA.
