Sunday, October 29, 2017

I don't h8 The Prequels anymore (Part 1).

Previously with Star Wars...
Previously with THIS series...

I don't h8 the 90's anymore.
I don't "meh", the 00's anymore.

Part 1 (Summer Of Dune!!)

Okay, let's just do this thing...

I waited for these things for a long fucking time.
I heard rumors of the prequels as early as 1992, when the Thrawn books came out.

Kept hearing about them, and hearing about them, with no concrete date.

Then, all of a sudden, they were supposed to come in 1996, Frank Darabont was supposed to direct, and he was supposed to write them from plotlines written by Lucas.
And, Kenneth Branagh was supposed to be Obi-Wan.
I dearly wish I could go to an alternate timeline, and see that version.

But nope, 1996 rolled around, and Lucas decided to do the Special Editions instead for 1997.
Then we had to wait another two fucking years after that.

I learned the hard way from "Freddy vs Jason", and the prequels, don't believe Jack shit until they start fucking shooting.
They can even have it casted, and have production sketches, and costume tests, like "Superman Lives", did.
Nope, they need to aim the cameras at actors, and say "action!!", or it's fucking nothing.

I pass that wisdom on to you, kiddies.

Crow remake? Avatar sequels? Shazam movie? Booster Gold/Blue Beetle buddy cop movie?
Believe it when they tweet pics of production happening.
Until then, tell 'em "go fuck yourselves".

Anyway, two thirds of the trilogy were 00's, but I count it as a 90's memory, because of the Development Hell.
Here we go!!

The Phantom Menace (1999)

What's good.

Darth Maul.
Saber fights.
Pod race.
"Dual Of The Fates".

What's still bad.

Amidala (Queen persona).
Trade Federation.
Boring senate scenes.
Lucas's self-congratulating art-house pretenses.

General notes.

Y'know what I didn't include in there?
I don't give a fuck about them.
I get why people don't like them, never understood why people lost their fucking minds over them. You people know there are real problems going on in the world, right?
War, starvation, genital mutilation, Harvey Weinstein, pedo priests, that Republicans even still exist after...pretty much Watergate onward.
Midi-chlorians rocked some people's worlds like a replicant giving birth.
I think they thought they supplant the force instead of supplementing it.
People are fucking blockheads.

Y'know what else I didn't hate on?
Jake Lloyd. His life is destroyed, leave the poor little bastard alone.

Third thing I won't rag on anymore.
"Too much CGI!".
Mothafucka, everything uses as much if not more CG than the prequels now, and all CG from that period is looking dated now. It is what it is. Like the puppets and models of the old ones.
Time to finally let it go.

Overall re-assessment.

Still the weakest prequel, and weakest Star Wars entry overall.
I would still watch this over a REAL bad movie, like "Battlefield Earth", or "Showgirls", or fucking "Gummo".
People who act like this is one of the worst movies ever haven't watched enough fucking movies.
You fuckers don't know what bad is, you pampered little poodles.

Oh, I still wouldn't randomly choose to watch it either.
I need an excuse, like a marathon before a new Star Wars movie, or something.

I think I get what Lucas was going for.
A children's story that gradually gets more adult and more dark as it goes along.
That's why you've got Jar-Jar, that's why you've got little kid Anakin, that's why you've got Saturday morning cartoon villains like the Trade Federation.
The Harry Potter series pulled this transition/evolution off way better.
Lucas could have done this better if he'd gotten help, but his ego wouldn't allow it.
A shame. With just little tweaks, these films could have been beloved.
Harry Potter is the proof.

Attack Of The Clones (2002)

What's good.

The whole Clone mystery thread with Obi-Wan and Jango-Fett.
Jango-Fett's gadgets.
Jango-Fett's ship.
Saber fights.
Continuity links to Classic Trilogy starting to form.

What's still bad.

Amidala (period).
Cringe-worthy romance thread. (this drags the score way down for most people)
50's diner. (seriously, WTF?)
Droid factory hi-jinks.
CGI Threepio inconsistent with how he moves as man-in-suit.
Flying Artoo.

General notes.

Same notes as "Phantom", with the CGI.

Also, Anakin on's a roller-coaster of good and bad, I can't give it a solid score.

Overall re-assessment.

God, trim out or fix the romance shit, and this could almost be decent.
A lot of people even consider this worse than "Phantom Menace", because of that.

If I just blot out the shitty romance dialog, then the saber fight stuff, and the clone mystery, and Jar-Jar  becoming an unwitting instrument of evil easily make this better than "Phantom".

That Dooku turned before "Phantom", and the clones were building up right after "Phantom", kinda almost fixes "Phantom", by ret-con.

Revenge Of The Sith (2005)

What's good.

Palpatine/Anakin opera scene.
Anakin's final fall and transformation.
The rise of the Empire.
The fall of the Jedi.
Literal destruction of the senate.
Saber fights.
Bail Organa (what little we get of him)
The cautionary tale of the rise of Fascism that becomes more relevant every fucking day.
Everything that hooks right up to "A New Hope".

What's still bad.

Residual cartoony goofiness at the beginning.
Residual cringe-y love dialogue.
Amidala (Portman had totally checked out by then)
Residual cringe on Hayden's performance, but that's Lucas's directing.
Jar-Jar doesn't die.

General notes.

Same notes on the CG as the other two.

On Portman checking out, there were some scenes that made her character better, but they were cut.
One in particular, at the end, she's NOT naive and retarded as she comes off in the final film, she KNOWS Anakin is bad, and goes to KILL him, and brings a knife to Mustafar to sneak up on him and do it, but she finds she can't bring herself to, and drops the knife, and THAT'S what makes Anakin flip out at her. God, that would've been so much better! But, alas. *Sigh*

Also, there's a cut scene that's in the DVD of Amidala, Bail, and Mon Mothma creating the rebellion.
The Mon Mothma actress from that scene came back for "Rogue One".

Overall re-assessment.

Best of the prequels.

I marathon-ed this and "A New Hope", together before going to see "Rogue One".
It was great.
I'd have no problem watching all three of those as a trilogy now.
We'll see how it goes with "Solo".

Overall re-assessment of the whole trilogy.

Palpatine's arc throughout, Ian McDiarmid's performance as Palpatine (should've got an Oscar nod for "Sith"),  Ewan McGregor's performance as Obi-Wan, and the whole rise of the Empire arc are worth watching for.

There's good Star Wars lore in there, and a good overall message there (keep your eye on the Nazis!), even if individual performances can be cringe-y.

I think everyone wanted "Revenge Of The Sith", to be the whole trilogy, but Lucas gave us prequels to the prequels, and crammed all the stuff the fans wanted into "Sith".

That could be forgivable if this were a novel, because novels can do the slow build thing, but these are movies, dammit.
In two-hour self contained chunks, you've got to give people a fucking show.
If you wanna do slow-burn, there's Netflix binge-watching.
Ask "Iron Man 2", and "Batman v Superman",  how people take to movies dedicated to world-building.
They get antsy, then cranky.

People got way out of joint over these not meeting expectations, more than any other franchise, because 1. the "raped my childhood", aspect, and 2. "Sith", was going to be the last one forever.
The last word on Star Wars. The Disney sequels/interquels fix that second one.

As for "raped my childhood", go fuck yourselves.
I covered this on the lead-up to Ghostbusters:ATC.

"Sith", being the end sat badly with me, that I can empathize with.

I think once "The Last Jedi", comes out, and is good, thus we have three good new ones to counter-balance the prequels, wounds will heal, and people will be much more forgiving.

Plus, I hear Episode 9 will tie up the continuity of all 9 films including the prequels, and I hope that's true.

Residual gripes.

1. The good guys being idiots, and not being able to see Palpatine for what he was, even with the force.
2. Again, the cringe-y romance shit.

Canon fixes.

1. One of the novels says the Jedi Temple was built on top of an old Sith Temple, and Palpatine excavated that temple, and used its power to exponentially magnify his own, and cloaked himself in the force, and made the Jedi stupid with mind-clouding in the vicinity of that cloak. We see Palpy perform spells in this temple room in "Clone Wars", so this is canon.
This should theoretically render him invincible, but clearly, he got cocky, and left Coruscant, thus his power source, in "Return Of The Jedi", and hence why Luke and Vader finally got the drop on him.
The Sith taint on Coruscant may also be why The New Republic finally moved their capital to the Hosnian system by the time of "The Force Awakens".
It all adds up!

2. The semi-canon comic book miniseries "Tag & Bink Are Dead", has two comedic characters, the titular Tag & Bink, stumbling around in the periphery of all the Star Wars movies as stormtroopers, or pilots, or guards, and causing or aiding along major events in the films, and retroactively explaining away old nitpicks of the films.
In the prequel era, they help Anakin court Amidala just off-screen, like Cyrano, and their bad advice explains his terrible dialogue.
Ron Howard is sneaking Tag & Bink into "Solo", so you can totally accept this as canon if you like.

Also, Palpatine could have manipulated them together in the first place with the force to use Amidala as a chess piece towards Anakin's turn later, and foreseen himself doing it.
This would explain her being a daft blinded idiot.
Anakin I can see, but the mother of Leia should be smarter.

I mean, Palps DID say in "Jedi", "everything that has transpired has done so according to my design!".

I got no fix for Jar-Jar.
Even the novels don't want to kill him.


Summing the prequels up as films.

As part of the Star Wars legacy, weak, to passable.
As sci-fi films if you never knew about Star Wars, you could do far worse.
The Alien franchise finds itself in much worse shape these days.

Summing up their place in the franchise.

If it weren't for the pounding the prequels took, Lucas wouldn't have sold out to Disney, and we wouldn't have "Force Awakens", "Rogue One", and "The Last Jedi".

So, it's all good!!

It all worked out!!


And that's finally the end!!!!!

Up next, compilation!!
And, maybe some after thoughts....

Read More......

Friday, October 27, 2017

I don't "meh", the 00's anymore (Part 1).

Previously with the 00's...
Previously with THIS series...

I don't h8 the 90's anymore.
So, now that we're really far away from the Bush years, this decade doesn't look so bad anymore.
In fact, for me it was watershed.

The Summer Of Dune!! (2002)

The defining moment of the whole decade for me.

My next evolutionary jolt after the Nova Scotia trip.
In a way, I kinda count it as the "sequel", to the Nova Scotia trip.

Rewind a couple decades, I first became aware of Dune from the David Lynch movie in the 80's.
It made no fucking sense to me (at the time), and even though people close to me assured me up and down that the novels were a million times better, I was not the least bit interested.

Fast forward to 94-95, and Hyla had the books, and again, he swore up and down that they were masterpieces. But this time, I was interested, but I was all whole-hog into Star Wars Expanded Universe, and couldn't find the time commitment for such an undertaking.

Fast-forward to 2000, and the Sci-Fi Channel Dune miniseries came out, and everyone pisses on it, but I loved the fucking thing.
Everything clicked for me in this version way better than the Lynch version, and it finally made me grasp the Lynch version.

This was also around the time that the shitty Brian Herbert prequel novels started coming out, so I was like "damn, I gotta get into this!".

2001, the DVD of the miniseries comes out, and I get that.

Then, fucking 9/11 drops.

So, I was paranoid and afraid, and thinking World War III was on its way, because of course George Bush was going to do something stupid, and piss off a nuclear power somehow.

So, thinking death was truly on its way, and wanting to go out happy, I started watching my DVDs and tapes (the VCR still worked at the time).

I re-watched the Dune miniseries, then again on commentary mode, because "what the Hell?".

Then, I wanted more, but there was no more, and then that finally kicked me in the ass to get the books.

That Christmas, I wanted all brain food.
Dune, Watchmen, Sin City, Sgt. Peppers, Abby Road, Radiohead: Amnesiac, Alan Moore Swamp Thing updated to graphic novels, Thomas Paine's Age Of Reason, Voltaire, Stephen Hawking's A Brief History Of Time, all the shit I'd put off, and hand waved away in favor of fucking junkfood.

I was sick and tired of being stupid, and if the planet was going to explode, I wasn't going out that way.

Burned through the comics first, because those are easier, then devoured the music.
Actually, it was concurrently, because I know Sgt. Peppers and Amnesiac were my soundtrack for Watchmen.
Man, that was a twisted combo.
Loved it.
First written book I grabbed was Dune.
Everyone was right, the novel was better.
WAY better.
WAAAYYYY better.
I immediately needed the others.
I scarfed them up with Christmas money.

But then that stack was intimidating again, like when they were on Hyla's shelf.

Summer of 2002, I finally was like "fuck it", and burned through 'em.
I only stopped to eat and poop.
Took all summer.
Some would say I pissed that summer away.
Fuck those people.

I most wanted to see "God Emperor Of Dune", because that looked like the weirdest, therefore the coolest.

Oh my God, "Children Of Dune", took fooooreeeeverrr, it was torture, I wanted to get to "God Emperor", so fucking bad, but "Children", just kept going!!!
"Dune Messiah", was quick by comparison.
*Checks* yeah "Children", is only 400 pages.
It just felt long. It's not bad, it's excellent, they all are, but God DAMN I wanted to be on "God Emperor".
Oh, it didn't disappoint.
It's my favorite.
I knew it would be.

I mean, come on, a half-man half-sandworm who lives for millennia, and guides future human history, and has the genetic memories of all his human ancestors going back to ancient times to guide him? Tell me you don't wanna see that movie!

"Heretics", and "Chapterhouse", are excellent too, but they were building towards something that never got finished.

Afterward, my brain felt like a nympho after a gang-bang, or a competitive eater after putting away the 5 pound burrito.

Fucking satisfied!!!

The only time I've experienced this.
I've been chasing that high ever since.

Closest I've come was in 2007 when I read "The God Delusion", and "God Is Not Great", shed my last vestiges of superstition, and joined the Dawkins forum.

I got a little jolt of it again watching "Jodorowsky's Dune".

Oh, and I did buy the first two Brian Herbert prequels, and got a couple chapters into the first one, and bailed.
They're just adventure stories with political backstabbing, all the deep philosophy, and environmentalism, and God's-eye-view cosmic history stuff  stuff wasn't there.
It was like "Baby's First Dune".
No thanks.
Don't give me black tar heroin, then give me table pepper, and tell me it's the same thing.
Who do you fucking take me for?

I dunno, maybe they figured noobs needed the training wheels.
Fine for them.
I could handle the sextilogy by Frank just fine.

Anyway, I planned all along to do this entry, its just taken me forever to get here, and coincidentally enough, Comicbookgirl19 did her whole summer long reading of Dune on her channel.
So, that cattle prodded my ass too.

And seeing her do her thing, it was just like my "summer of Dune", so it's not just me.
These books change you.

Anyhoo, I've come full circle, now I'm the guy recommending them to friends who don't want to sit down and read.

Do it.
Buy 'em.
Read 'em.
Use audiobooks if that's easier for you.
Just do it.
Get them into your head.
Do it!!

And...that's that one done.
*Dusts hands*

Next time, reassessing the Star Wars Prequels.

Read More......

Thursday, October 26, 2017

I don't h8 the 90's anymore (Part 5.75).

Forgot some more shows....

Tales From The Crypt (1989-1996)

See here for the cartoon.
See here for the old and modern movies, and here for my re-review of the old movies.

John Kassir is another voice-over God.
(See also Rob Paulson, and Maurice LaMarche)

Arnold Schwarzenegger directed an episode.
He never tried his hand at directing ever again.
Unless you count Governor of California.

One of my cousins called Cryptkeeper "Criffie".
That became a family meme.

Some of the guys who worked on "Freddy's Nightmares", moved over to "Crypt", to help trim the budget.

M. Night Shyamalan attampted a reboot, but it fell apart.
He's finishing the "Unbreakable", trilogy instead.
I'd rather see that, so good for him.

Besides, because of rights issues, the reboot wouldn't have had Criffie.
Screw that!

Seaquest DSV (1993-1996)

It was on network TV, but Sci-Fi reran it, so that's my loophole to cable.

Roy Scheider starred.
He was also Punisher's dad.
He's gone now. :-(

Jonathan Brandis was in this.
He was in 90's "It", and "Neverending Story 2".
He's dead now.
Killed himself.
Jake Lloyd probably isn't too long for the world....

Ted Raimi was in this.
And not as a wacky character!
I know!!

And it also had the infamous talking dolphin that I talked about here in the Trek novels segment.

It tried to be Star Trek in the water, but with plausible science, and it started off pretty good, but then by the last season, they encountered alien meat-eating plants that made Tasmanian Devil noises, and King fucking Neptune.
So, another crash and burn like "Sliders".

White Dwarf (1995)

Unlike "Sliders", and "Seaquest", this didn't start as serious SF, and go batshit, this started at batshit, and hit the ground with the tires already spinning.

A guy who wants to be a fancy New York doctor goes to serve his internship at this alien planet that has medieval princesses, and wizards, and Paul Winfield has magic red surgical gloves that let him reach into people's guts without cutting, and they save a dying boy's soul by shouting his name at the water at a magic beach, and.....I dunno.
The critics were just as confused as I was.
Aeon Flux was less confusing.

It's on Youtube if you want to try to make heads or tails of it.

It was ambitious, I'll give it that.

And THAT is finally the 90's all done!!!
Up next, a quick stop off back at the 00's!!

Read More......

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Big Winter Movies Part 3. (Part 3).

And we're back around to...

Answer The Call: 
What Dreams May Come (2017)

Previously with this franchise...

Same as last time, issue reviews will be down in comments, then I'll do a full series review when it's all done.

Next time, Thor Ragnarok for sure!!

Read More......

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

I don't h8 the 90's anymore (Part 3.5).

Aaand, here's the rest of the damned movies I was too lazy to do the first time around.
"Honorable mentions", my ass...

(Year of the Nova Scotia trip!!)


Yet again, alas, Robin Williams.
This is just gonna keep happening, he left quite a bleeding hole in our culture when he passed.

Kirsten Dunst's second (I think) flick after "Interview With The Vampire".
She's 35 now, can you believe it?
The Rock Is doing a sorta-remake/sorta-sequel where it's a video game instead of a board game.
We'll see if it's any good.
I'm more looking forward to "Rampage", because I love that old game, and I want a video game movie to finally be good. I think a comedy would be easier to pull off than these ones where they take themselves too seriously.


Yet another one I watched a million times on Showtime.
All right, yeah, I peed on Oliver Stone over "Natural Born Killers", but I liked this one.
Anthony Hopkins can fix just about anything.

Then Stone made "W", with all this usual pretentious excesses, and I hated him again.

Jefferson In Paris

Yet another one I watched tons of times on Showtime.
Nick Nolte is great in this.
And Gwyneth Paltrow is decent as Jefferson's daughter.
She doesn't have a lot to work with, but her few scenes are good.
She hadn't yet gone bugfuck nuts, and started selling pussy stones, and magic ointments made of ground chimpanzee dicks, or whatever the fuck she shills.

Greta Scacchi however, steals the whole damned movie as Maria Cosway.

It'll make you want to go back in time, and tell Jefferson "quit politics, stop fucking Sally Hemmings, marry Maria Cosway, free your slaves, and stop being an asshole!! Asshole!!".

Instead, history was a drag, and a bummer, like it usually is, and we mindlessly trudged toward the nation of hypocrisy we have today.

Jerky Boys: The Movie

Turns out, they hated each other's guts while they made this.
But y'know, a lot of the great old comedy teams hated each other.
Abbott & Costello, some of the Marx Brothers, Lucy & Desi, Sonny & Cher, all of the first SNL cast vs Chevy Chase, all of the Monty Pythons vs Eric Idle. Etc, etc, etc.

Anyway, I talked about this before here with my looking back at their final 2 albums.

As for the film itself?'s no "Private Parts".
It's barely a "Dirty Work".
It won't ruin your day, but you won't be glad you watched it either.
It's more interesting to scientifically dissect as a weird piece of pop-culture history.
Like "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie".


Remember when we used to love this?
Remember when it was the new "Conan The Barbarian"?

Then we found out Mel was literally a crazy drunk Nazi.
Kinda put a tarnish on things.

The bastard knows how to direct though...


Waiting for Guffman 

The beginning of a great trilogy.
This, "Best Of Show", and "A Mighty Wind".
"A Mighty Wind", will even make you fucking bawl at one part.

And then Chris Guest went one time too many to the well with "For Your Consideration", and crashed the train into a gasoline truck.

The first three, still wonderful though.

The People Vs Larry Flint

One of the best things Woody Harrelson ever did.

Courtney Love is actually a damned good actress in this, and I'd wondered why she didn't do more movies, and assumed it was probably the drugs, but Robert Downey Jr. was just as bad at his worst, and he's goddamned Iron Man.
Then, you rewind to 2005, and she shot her mouth off about Harvey Weinstein before it became cool to do so now in 2017, and THAT'S probably why.
Fuck you, Weinstein, you gross horrible little slug man.
May all the gross horrible slug men, including the one in the White House, get theirs.

James and The Giant Peach

Tim Burton produced this, and he should have just produced "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory", and let someone else direct, and his record of Roald Dahl adaptations would have been stellar.

Instead, well...."James And The Giant Peach", is good.
Watch that.
And "Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory".
And "The Witches".
And "Matilda".
And "The BFG".

Dr. Who The Movie 

The failed pilot for a new series.
It took them 9 years to try again and get it right, and now it's still on, and The Doctor is about to finally be a girl.
Well, fuck critics, and most American viewers, I liked it, and I liked Paul McGann.

He still did his lost seasons as audio dramas, so you can track those down.

See here for the old show, here for the old movies, and here for the 50th anniversary.



And the world was introduced to Jennifer Lopez.

She didn't work out as well as Angelina Jolie (see Hackers) in the long run.
It became a hipster thing to hate her ever-living guts, I'm just ambivalent.

This flick was good though.
One of the better musician bio-pics.


Mutilated the book, shoved Matt Mahinga-hey's character in as a doggie-bone to the Jesus people down south, and had a syrupy Disney cartoon ending.

I don't hate its guts though.
There are better movies to hate.

Neil Degrasse Tyson existing antidote-ed everything that chapped science people's asses about this.

When Time Expires

A cool little indie SF film.
About a time traveler (Richard Grieco) who goes back to the 90's to prevent World War Three by putting a quarter in a parking meter, because the ripple effect of a certain politician having to pay his parking ticket leads to legislation passing or not passing, that ripples out to nuclear war later.

Mark Hamill is the bad guy trying to stop him.

Very cleverly done with virtually zero special effects.
For example, Grieco's talking computer is a human guy on a hotel room TV screen.
Kind of a feature length "Twilight Zone", episode.
Like "The Man From Earth".



Queen Elizabeth was the most badass Queen ever.
At least she ran England as an actual country, all the meatheads that wanted to take her throne would've sold England off in chunks for golf courses or some shit.
That's barely hyperbole, they were really morons.
They deserve their place in history as excrement.
Good on her for curb stomping them.

This flick takes it up to her becoming Queen, and stops, but then "Elizabeth: The Golden Age", filled in the rest.
And came out 10 years later when the iron was cold, and no one cared.
Especially critics.

Cate Blanchett went on to play the Norse Grim Reaper for Marvel because there was nowhere left on the badass scale to go.
Also, because Marvel ate Hollywood.

Six String Samurai

Ain't It Cool News hyped this, because of course they did.

A guy who looks like Buddy Holly (called Buddy) wanders the post-apocalyptic wasteland trying to get to Las Vegas to be crowned the new king because Elvis was the first, and died, and there needs to be a new king, because reasons.

Meh, it's cute, and fun, and okay for one watch, but hipsters will tell you it's genius, and manna from Heaven.
Grin, and nod, and pat them on the head, and move along.

The composer for this went on to do "Bubba Ho-Tep".
Much better movie.

This was one of the first trailers I downloaded back before Youtube was a thing, and you had to download trailers as files to play off your hard-drive.
It was over dial-up, and took an hour.
Before this, I did "Alien: Resurrection", and after this "The Phantom Menace".
One a year.
Downloading trailers was really a pain in the ass.
If I remember right "Alien: Resurrection", kept timing out and failing, so it took a whole afternoon.
If everything worked perfectly, and no one else in town was clogging up the traffic, and draining down the speed, it would take an hour, but nothing was ever perfect.
Those times were awful, I never want to go back.

The Big Lebowski

The Coens followup to "Fargo".
Some consider "Fargo", their masterpiece, others consider this their masterpiece.
Yet a third group considers "Oh Brother Where Art Thou?", their masterpiece.
I don't judge any of those choices.
Except for the "Barton Fink", people.
Those people need a kneecapping with a tire iron.

I'm more of a "Fargo", person, because I need my humor pitch black.
"Lebowski's", a close runner up though.

Saving Private Ryan

Every once in awhile, I like to picture the soldiers from this movie liberating the camp from "Life Is Beautiful", then cry so hard I puke, and puke so hard I pass out, and pass out so hard, I wake up 6 days later, and feel reborn, and jot down messages I brought back with me from the Dr. Strange dimensions of the dream world.

No, none of that, I watched each once, and never again.
But that gives me an idea for a holocaust cinematic universe!
Get ready for a longer Oscar night!!

The Man In The Iron Mask

Best 3 Musketeers based adaptation period.
*Claps hands together, then dusts them off, then holds them up*

What Dreams May Come

Y'know, as an atheist, I should hate this, but I don't.
Although, funnily enough, God in this version of the afterlife seems quite absent.

Good people go to a personal Hell by having depression?
Well, shit, then that means malignant narcissists shoot straight to Heaven.
What kind of justice is that?
Clearly, no one is minding the store.

Anyway, it's okay, cuz Robin Williams is there to save the day.
If it turned out by some freak twist of physics in the universe, there had to be an afterlife, I'd want Robin Williams to be my Guardian Angel.
I mean, I sure as fuck wouldn't want it to be Antonin Scalia.
I don't want anyone devoted to actual religion in charge of my eternity.


Fight Club

This movie hated the bad parts of the 90's as much as I did, and it took me way too long to see it, because strangely, it attracted the exact same kind of hipsters the movie shat on.
(Again, see Ain't It Cool News)

Anyway, good flick.
I mean, it's not gonna transcend your soul into a higher dimension, or any of that shit, but it's a good spin.


Best Eddie Murphy movie, bam, done *dusts hands again*

Aaaand, that's all the 90's movies I feel like talking about.
Hope ya saw something you haven't seen, and now want to.
Or something ya have, but looked at in a new way, and wanna see it again.

Up next, some shows I forgot.

Read More......

Friday, October 20, 2017

I don't h8 the 90's anymore (Part 2.5).

As I said at the very end of this one...

Someday, I might do an update on the honorable mentions.

So, I've finally come back around to do that.
Here we go....

(Year of the Florida trip!!)

Quick Change

Bill Murray robs a bank, Geena Davis and Randy Quaid are his accomplices, and every stroke of bad luck possible prevents them from escaping town.
Hi-jinks...well, it's all hi-jinks.
Fun little flick.
High tomato rating despite Ebert giving it  a"meh".
Among Murray's best.
Check it out.

Spirit Of '76

Time travelers try to go back to the founding of America to figure out where they went wrong, but screw up, and go to the bicentennial in 1976.
Hi-jinks and 70's star cameos ensue.
Stupid as Hell, and made on a Monkees episode budget.
I'll spoil it, because the plot isn't the point anyway, the time travelers refuel their time machine with the active ingredient in Visine which 70's pot heads have in abundance.
Why was this on my list?
Damned if I know.
I think it's because the end credits song burnt into my head forever.
Showtime playing the Hell out of it didn't help.
And Youtube won't cough it up, so I can't share the joy.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

I tracked this down after Alan Rickman died.
Needed to see something from him I hadn't seen.
Lovely little film.
Really sweet and tear-jerky.
More so after his passing.
The poster compares it to "Ghost", and yeah, this blows that away.
No special effects, no bad guys, no wacky side-character hi-jinks.
They don't even hold your hand, and explicitly tell you it's actually supernatural or not.
It's all about human feeling.
Good stuff.
I don't get to recommend a lot of these.



I could have SWORN I did this one in "Fantasy flicks", but nope.

Millennials love this one more than I ever did, because it's their childhood nostalgia now, and I can see that. If I can love friggin "Popeye", then I can totally get that.

Alas, dear Robin Williams.
His whole filmography glimmers with nostalgia now, doesn't it?

Critics hated it, but it's beloved by a strong fandom.
I dig it all right.
Is it perfect? Oh, Hell no.
But compared to a lot of the failed swill that's come out under the banner of the Peter Pan property (even recently), this stands among the better ones.
The Disney animated movie, the Fox animated series, and this.
And "Finding Neverland".
The rest is poopy.

Blood & Concrete: A Love Story

I remember this having surf music for the opening theme song long before "Pulp Fiction", ever did.
Tarantino ripped off absolutely everything.

Cinemax played the shit out of this.
All I can remember anymore is that there was a bad guy that wanted to anally rape Billy Zane, and it was played for jolly laughs.
No wonder Hollywood is fucked up about sexual assault.

Bernard and the Genie

Oh, no way! Alan Cumming was Bernard?
He wasn't famous yet, so it never clicked!
A&E played this back when they were still classy.

Another cute little film.
Let's just say it's the better genie film (by far!!) than "Kazaam".


An anthology of three terrible short films.
One about a little boy that kills his abusive dad, and then flies away.
One about a 50's mad scientist that drinks testicle squeezings, and becomes a monster (mocking 50's conservative sexual puritanism, I guess).
One about a guy in prison who gets raped.

Yep, another anal rape special brought to my eyeballs by Cinemax.
At least "Blood & Concrete", wasn't obnoxiously pretentious about it the way this was.

Cinemax would sneak this into the softcore porn to ruin my nights.
In hindsight, I probably should have been dating instead.
Too bad I had no self-esteem.
When you have no confidence, you're stuck at home being brain-molested by sadistic cable programmers.
Learn from me, children, learn from me.

Anyway, I don't recommend this at all, but I sure remember it.

Naked Gun 2 1/2

The "Empire Strikes Back", of the Naked Gun trilogy.
One was good, this was better, three was ass.

I have no plot description, because the plot is just a weak contrivance to justify wacky shit happening for 90 minutes.
That's what these movies are for.
To see crazy zany goofy shit.
To antidote your brain from real life.
And movies like "Poison".

The Guyver

Based on an anime.
About a guy that finds an alien gizmo that turns him into a biological Iron Man.
The background mythology to this is, aliens have been tinkering with human DNA for centuries, and werewolf mythology comes from the hybrid monsters the aliens made.
The Guyver is the ultimate evolution of this tech, and it essentially turns you into a were-robot.
So, The Guyver fights the animal were-monster thingies.
It's basically PG-13 rated Power Rangers.
Mark Hamill is one of the bad guys.
This was just before his career was defibrillated back to life by becoming the animated Joker.
Jimmy Walker is a villain too.
In the movie as well. ;-)

It's a fun watch.
It's not brain food, it's total junkfood, but it's tasty junkfood.
Given the reception of the live-action "Ghost In The Shell", and "Death Note", this ironically is probably the best live-action anime adaptation.

What About Bob?

Another Bill Murray classic.
This is right up there with "Ghostbusters", "Scrooged", and "Groundhog Day".
Next tier down would be "Stripes", "Meatballs", "Caddyshack", and "Quick Change".

Boyz N The Hood

The best of the late-80's & early-mid 90's gang movies, hands down.
One of those ones that needs to be homework in schools.

The Fisher King

Again, alas Robin Williams.

And alas Terry Gilliam! Where the fuck is he??!?!
He keeps punching his bloodied fists at the brick wall of that fucking Don Quixote movie decade after decade.
He's not letting that one go!!

Anyway, I agree with the critic blurb on the poster for a change.


The Lawnmower Man

I left this out of the Stephen King thing, because it's so heavily adapted, it retains not a single trace of the original story whatsoever.
Well, there's literally one line, but I refuse to let that count.
That's like adding "call me Ishmael", to "Charlies Angels", and saying it's fucking "Moby Dick".
We're not going down that rabbit hole of madness.

Delete it from Stephen King canon, and ignore the title, and you're good to go, because this is still a fun little remake of "Flowers For Algernon".

Or, you could look at it as a dark "Tron", sequel too.

Should have been called just "Virtual Reality".
No other true VR movie had been made, and the title was totally up for grabs.
They could have been the first.
They could have staked the claim.
But, they thought audiences were stupid, and sold them on Stephen King instead.


Fear Of A Black Hat

"This Is Spinal Tap", for rap.

Showtime played the shit out of this.
It's pretty funny.
Not considered a classic by any means, but I think you should give it a spin.


Like I said in the original pass, sue me.

It's not one of the greatest SNL movies, and it's not among Dan Aykroyd's classics, but I thought it was cute.
But...I fucking like "Howard The Duck", so what do I know?

It faithfully adapts the skits.
You can't deny that.
There was a rarely shown animated special of Coneheads in the 80's, and this lifts the story from that lock stock and barrel, so Aykroyd is a nut for saving stuff.
As much as I am for Harry Hembock.
He will not let an idea go to waste.
Like me and Harry Hembock.

Howard Stern despises this.
This is his go to movie for comparing bad movies to other bad movies.

The thing I find weird is how this even got made.
The popularity of the skit was long past.
All I can think is, Aykroyd was to this flick, like Terry Gilliam is to Don Quixote.

But unlike Gilliam (so far) Aykroyd got his passion project made.
Never get between Dan Aykroyd, and something he wants to get done.
Unless your name is Bill Murray.
Bill Murray is the immovable object that can cancel the unstoppable force.

*Googles* holy shit, Youtube has the animated special!
And it's exactly 10 years before the live-action one!


Natural Born Killers

My old review for this is only 2 sentences long.

"Ahhh, finally another good movie.
They were spaced so far apart".

Yeah, the list I was using from the "I Love The 90's", VH-1 specials was a bunch of wretched horrible shit.
Way to misrepresent the decade, fuckheads.
I've finally had to do this whole giant thing to undo the damage.

Showtime played the shit out of this, and I watched it every single fucking time.
I really loved it. as much.
I still get a kick out of the Rodney Dangerfield scenes.
That's the only part you should even watch.
That's some good dark social satire.
Everything else has aged badly as pretentious polemic bullshit.
Oliver Stone can go fuck himself.
Sideways, without lube.

Cabin Boy

Another one from 90's Showtime I adored.
Hey, if you think there's another better "Seven Voyages Of Sinbad", spoof out there, then present it.
Aaaalll RIGHT then!

The first and last Chris Elliot led movie.
(See "Get a Life", for his first and best show)

Projection Booth did a whole two and a half hour episode on it, and I can't say much more than they did. Hey, I said it before, they're fucking thorough.

Quiz Show

About the crooked quiz show scandals of the 50's.

I watched this one every single time it was on Showtime.

It's really good, except for Rob Morrow's shitty Boston accent.
It takes an act of will for it not to take you right out of the movie.

Ralph Fiennes and John Turturrow are so great though, it antidotes him.

Highly recommended.

The Hudsucker Proxy

This was after "Barton Fink", but before "Fargo".

Critics and film snobs loved the Coens, but they were just about to explode into the mainstream with their masterpiece.

This is not that.
It's good though.
But then Sam Raimi was the third writer on this.
When you know that going in, you can see his touches all over it.


The original with Ego and Ultron as good guys.

See here for the show.

Who knew this would explode into a franchise?
Actually, Sci-Fi Universe did.
Although, they thought the movies would at least be a trilogy, and that the first one was gonna go over as big as Star Wars.
Didn't exactly pan out that way, but it is well remembered, and generated a lot of content.

"Independence Day", was actually supposed to be a "Stargate", sequel at one point.

Whatever happened to Jaye Davidson?
"The Crying Game", this, and then poof.

And, that's 20 flicks, and I'm done!
Next time, the other 20!!
See you then!

Read More......

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

I don't h8 the 90's anymore (Part 1.5).

Looking back at the animation one, I sloppily rushed over a lot of stuff before slowing down at the very end to talk about topics more.
So, I thought I'd correct that a bit.
Here we go....

King Of The Hill/Beavis & Butt-Head

"King Of The Hill", confuses me.
I could never figure out what political side it comes down on, therefore what political side Mike Judge comes down on, therefore what the message was, therefore what the point was.

And we're invited to want to know what the fucking point is from his films, goddammit.

I know from B&B, and "Idiocracy", he hates stupid people, and the idiots he hates are typically what one thinks of as the Republican base.

But KotH, he has Hank solve problems and save the day with his stuffy conservative values, but he's only ever "the good guy", because the forces he's in opposition to are straw-man versions of thuggish PC liberalism, or progressive permissiveness run amuck.

So...he shows Hank and his community as uptight and repressed, but he's sympathetic to them, because in KotH world, liberals are always worse.

But then his third show (that bombed) "The Goode Family", the main characters are PC liberals, and they're all hypocritical, and dumb, and Gerald Goode is effeminate, and has the Van Driessen voice from B&B.
So, they're figures of ridicule, rather than the steady and dependable hero Hank is held up as.

So, is Judge conservative, and hates liberals, or does he hate everybody equally, or just think everyone's ridiculous, or what?

But if everyone's ridiculous, why make Hank a hero for 13 fuckin' years?

I could never figure out what the show was fuckin' about.
Could anyone?
Does anyone have the secret decoder wheel?
Or, like B&B, was it just a bunch of stuff that happened, and then ended?

Anyway, Tom Petty played Lucky.
I had no segway to this, so I just dropped it in.
Like Lucky himself.

Peter Pan & The Pirates (1990-1991)

Fucking Tim Curry, man!!
Fucking Tim Curry!!

That's all you need.
All you need to know is fucking Tim Curry played Captain Hook in this, and you should be scrambling, and tripping over furniture, and hurting yourself to watch this.

Tiny Toon Adventures/Animaniacs/
Pinky And The Brain/Freakazoid

Or, the Rob Paulson animated universe.

Rob Paulson has a podcast.

Rob Paulson was on Gilbert Gottfried's podcast.
(This one alone will give you everything you ever wanted to know about the dude)

And, Rob Paulson was on Saturday Morning Rewind.
(A cartoon nostalgia podcast)

Feast! Enjoy!

Toxic Crusaders (1991-1993)

Lloyd Kaufman saw it and the comic book as his chance into mainstream awareness and success, and it sadly didn't pan out.
It was up against Ninja Turtles, no one was taking down that juggernaut.
Poor Lloyd, always with mainstream fame dangling right out of his reach by torturous centimeters.
I know how he feels.

Anyway, here's a Toxic Avenger Garbage Pail Kid.

It's no Marvel movie, but its more of a mark than I'll probably leave on the world.

Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes (1990)

I found the VHSes of the first two movies (the only ones that existed at the time) at a stock clearance sale at Nicely's.
The tomatoes movies, and Toxic Avenger were among my first tapes I owned for myself.
I was off to a good start.
So, it was really wild to see both of these become cartoon shows.

Here's the quickie rundown of the movies before I can get to what the cartoon was about.

Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes (1978)-
All the tomatoes on Earth go bad, and attack and eat people.
Like "The Birds", but with tomatoes.
Some of them grow to giant proportions.
Good guys beat them by playing a terrible pop song.
Based on the flakey hippie belief born in the 70's that plants like music.
The tomatoes are just real tomatoes (except the giant one which is some cloth and chicken wire parade float concoction).
Pretty funny, put part 2 is way better.

Return Of The Killer Tomatoes (1988)-
John Astin plays Dr. Gangrene, who we retroactively find out was responsible for the events in the first movie.
His new plot is using nuclear waste and different music to morph tomatoes into human replicas.
George Clooney played the wacky good-guy sidekick.
It was his first movie.
He's ashamed of it.
The main good-guy who isn't George Clooney falls in love with a tomato girl.
Hi-jinks ensue.
This is the funniest of all of them.
Lot of fourth wall breaking, like Deadpool.

Killer Tomatoes Strike Back! (1990)-
Okay, I didn't know this one existed until a few years ago.
Here's what happened.
In an after credits scene of the second movie, they half-jokingly hinted at a sequel called "Killer Tomatoes Eat France".
Then they made this one.
Then they actually made "Killer Tomatoes Eat France", one year later!!
"Eat France", came to Nicely's, but not this one.
Naturally, I assumed "Eat France", was part three!
Wouldn't you!?!?
Anyway, this one is terrible.
Its got Dr. Gangrene back, and this time, the tomatoes are Muppets with faces, but generic characters, not the characters from the cartoon.
All the jokes fall flat, none of the magic is there.
Probably the worst of the four.

Killer Tomatoes Eat France! (1991)-
So then they finally really made this one.
Better than part 3, but still pretty weak.
Gangrene is back again, but this time, the Muppet-Tomatoes are the characters from the cartoon (and toys, and the NES game).
Total cash in on the fad.
The good-guy is the guy who played Skippy on "Family Ties".
This becomes a running gag of everyone breaking the fourth wall, and calling him Skippy.

So, finally, we get to...

Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes (1990)-

It's based on "Return Of The Killer Tomatoes", but the good-guy from the movie is a 9 year old for some reason, and his relationship to Tomato Girl is platonic.
John Astin voices Gangrene, and his henchmen are the tomatoes from "Eat France".

Oh, and a running character from all 4 movies and this show is Arthur Finletter, a paratrooper who never takes his opened chute off, and carries it around with him like a cape, and keeps tripping on it.
This joke became tiresome in the first movie, but they keep going back to it.
His sidekick is a fat black dude dressed up like the Lone Ranger.
He's supposed to be a master of disguise, and impressions, but he's terrible.
The stupid bad guys fall for his disguises/impressions anyway.

I wish more cult underground shit had been cartooned...

Eraserhead, the animated series!
Chopper Chicks in Zombietown, the animated series!
Hell Goes To Frogtown, the animated series!
Cherry 2000, the animated series!
Pink Flamingos the animated series!!!!!

The possibilities are infinite!!

The Disney Afternoon (1990-1997)

I could talk about this all day* but Nostalgia Critic already said it all.
(*and besides, I just did that for Killer Tomatoes)

So, here's the link to his thing.


People forget, this was actually really fucking popular.
This actually kicked Batman's ass for its final seasons.

You'd never know it now.
People still talk about Batman:TAS, not this so much.

Ren & Stimpy

How could I have not ranted about this?!?!?!?

Old review here.

I got way more hyperactive for this show than I probably should have...but fuck you, it was a revelation.
Remember (I've fucking mentioned it enough times), my teachers and counselors went to insane lengths to try to psychologically browbeat the weird out of me, and then this comes along, and in one fell swoop, finally makes it okay to be weird again.

I cannot describe the ecstasy of having my chains shatter.

Man, I was just a nerdy weirdo that wanted release of wacky zany humor.
Gay kids with Bible-thumper parents get that oppression a million times over.
Holy shit, my fucking sympathies.
While a vile country this is.

At least counter-culture rebels still sneak their stuff into the mainstream consciousness from time to time. I've never had the impulse to be a sellout writing formula pablum because of this experience.
Wacky shit for rejected misfits, or nothing.


Show was decent, theme song is taken from "Forbidden Zone", so that's kinda hipster cool.

But Scott Adams is a fuckface.
If I ever meet him, I'll have to consciously suppress the urge to push him down a flight of stairs.

The Critic

Maurice LaMarche is a God.
That is all.


Next time, we're going back to movies!!

Read More......

Blog Archive