Shmegalamonga: Munchies

I wore one of my cloth masks, and they're good, but my glasses fog up like a motherfucker, so I went into the store without them (my glasses), cuz at least myopia is SOME vision.

I went to the bakery, and they had THE peanut butter cake.

The one I lusted after since I was a kid, but they never had it on my birthday.

So, I grabbed the fucker.

Then...the Friendly's sundae's were gone.

The whole ice cream section had been picked over pretty thoroughly.

I did grab a half-gallon of Friendly's Reese's cup & Reese's pieces ice cream.

Oh, and also, the Karens wouldn't stay away from me in the ice cream aisle like last time.

Fuckin-a.

Anyway, got home without incident.

The cake....okay, but mediocre.

What I always thought were Tagalongs (peanut butter Girl Scout cookies) stuck to it, were just deceptive frosting blobs.

The peanut butter frosting...meh, I could do better myself just stirring Pillsbury vanilla frosting and JIF peanut butter together.

Anyway, I've resolved that childhood fantasy.

As with most fantasies, the reality didn't deliver.

And the ice cream?

Also meh.

Should have got Chubby Hubby instead.

Anyway, I'm full of cake n' ice cream, and probably won't have room for supper.

Phew! Ooof!

Oh, forgot to mention, my mask smothered me, and I totally died. But, I'm a solid ghost that eats cake and ice cream, and American Chop Suey. So, no difference.

Oh, and I'm working on a story that I'm genuinely enjoying, and doesn't feel like work, and if it pans out, I might build my long-delayed novel out of this spinoff universe that's growing from it.

So, yeah, aside from the global plague, and the Nazi president, I'm feeling pretty good about life.

Previous years.

Thursday, July 23, 2020

And now, part two!
(Part 1 here)

Mighty jaws!!

June 4, 2014

My one physical attribute I'm proud of is my freakishly powerful jaws.
It occurred to me today, I've never had trouble eating steak.
Never.
Never ever.
Short of burnt to a crisp, I can pulverize anything to moosh.
Come to think of it, none of the stops along my tract are dainty.
I always pitied these poor delicate things that had to spit things out.

And the update..

June 4, 2019

I've never been slowed down by jellybeans, Skittles, jellies, gummies, Tootsie Pops, peanut brittle.... Jawbreakers'll chip a tooth no matter who you are.
And bones.
Bones won't give.
Gotta hit those with a hammer.
But anything with the least bit of give, I can chew it.

Reverse engineering Pudding Pops.

June 5, 2017

Cosby makes me think of pudding pops, and that makes me think of how Jell-O keeps taking them away, and bringing them back, and then taking them away again, even though they're the best food made by human beings.
So, then that got me thinking, why not make our own?
Luckily, I have a holodeck perfect memory, and remembering how they tasted, and how they mouth-felt, I think this is the secret to making them.
You don't just throw pudding into a mold, and freeze them.
Somehow, you have to arrange for your mold to have a razor thin coating of plain water ice inside.
This serves a couple functions.
It makes it easier to take the final pop out of the mold, and it makes a skeleton to hold the pop together, because the pudding wants really bad to re-liquefy as quick as possible.
I think this is the real secret to why they were a bitch to mass produce.
If you can crack this, you've got the secret to yummy goodness.

To which a friend answered..

Spray very cold molds with mist then fill with cold pudding, then freeze, maybe.

I think he's right.

Ice cream idea.

June 24, 2018

Random idea, a Klondike bar with a layer of cake inside.
Someone get on that, and make it real.

And the update..

June 24, 2019

*Checks watch* aaand, a year!
Okay, what progress have you guys made?
What do you mean none?
You guys are supposed to be good with tools and math.
This is very discouraging.

Fondant? Fucking seriously? Jesus.

June 25, 2017

Saw some cake show on Food Network where the husband was whining about he doesn't like fondant.
I mentally projected myself into the show holding pictures of starving refugees in one hand, and a switchblade in the other, and saying "I bet THEY wouldn't cry about the fucking fondant!!!
You fucking pampered white piece of fuck!!!
I ought to kill you!!
I ought to fucking KILL you!!!!
*gets wrestled down by 3 other cake chefs*".
Yeah, I can't watch those shows.
They're not good for me.
They're not good for anyone.
I've got to stick to "American Gods", and "Preacher".
They keep me sane and well.

And the update...

June 25, 2019

Both shows are having their last seasons next year.
But, Star trek is back, so it's all good.

Lemon ice cream!

June 27, 2017

!!!! I had a repressed memory come back to me!
A flavor memory!
There used to be lemon ice cream!!
That's something that existed!!
I Googled it, and it's out there, but nowhere in Maine.
Sons of bitches!!
They took my lemon ice cream!!

I remember it was my favorite next to peanut butter swirl.
And no one say lemon sherbert, it's just not the same.

It tasted like lemon pudding, but with the texture of vanilla ice cream.
It was awesome.

Harry Potter jellybean flavor ideas.

July 1, 2017

Dear Jelly Belly.
I've got some Harry Potter flavors for you.
Suntan lotion, and bug repellent.
Then, at last, I, I mean people, can enjoy these flavors without judgement.

To which a friend said...

No, I'm still going to judge you.

Ragu is poison.

July 15, 2017

Well, I think I cracked the major secret of my mood imbalances through my teens and 20's.
My old fucking diet.
I used to drink soda like it was water, but I've been drinking seltzer water and regular bottled water instead for almost a decade now.
Before my mother hit the wall with diabetes, she made cookies faster than a fucking vending machine.
Back then, I went through antacids like they were an extra meal of the day.
Tonight, dad randomly got Ragu sauce for old times sake, and it tasted like candy, I've got heartburn, I had a nightmare, and I feel like shit physically and emotionally.
I ate poison most of my adult life.
Thanks, mom & dad.
Thanks, grocery store.
Thanks, Madison Avenue.

"Freakin hot", Slim Jims.

July 8, 2014

All right, that tears it... Language crime time.
Slim Jims has come out with a product called "freakin' hot Jalapeno".
I have no objection to the product itself, just the vernacular of the name.
Okay, first, is there any grown-assed person in this kindergarten country that DOESN'T know "freakin'", is a willful and deliberate stand-in for "fuckin'"?
It's right up there with "effin'".
We know what you're saying.
The thought has been conveyed.
Can't we at this point just give in, and un-censor "fuck", already?
It's going to happen.
Whether it takes another generation or 1000, it's going to happen.
Why not do it sooner rather than later?
When you've got the recognized substitute words written on SNACK FOODS, hasn't the battle "freakin", been lost?
Secondly, why is this word, indeed ANY word censored anymore?
Why were words EVER censored?
Everyone talks about what the words stand for as subjects.
This is medieval superstitious horseshit.
If the ideas are still getting across, then what you're actually saying, is the combinations of LETTERS are magical.
You're saying that there are magic words.
You're saying the LAW has to get involved with protecting people from magic words.
MAGIC fucking WORDS!
In 2014!
Thirdly, and speaking of protection, all that's left is the "think of the children", argument.
Well, this country does next to nothing to protect children from actual physical and sexual abuse.
Oh, sure protective services will haul a kid out of a home once they've already BEEN beaten and/or raped, but you gotta twiddle your thumbs, and whistle, and wait for it to happen.
So, a kid can BE fucked, but not hear the word.
Come on.
Our fearless leaders don't really give a shit about children.
So, it all comes back to, it's superstition.
Childish, infantile, infantilist, superstition.
From a bygone era of fearful puritan morons.
And you know it's pathetic, and inexcusable, and indefensible, when Slim Jims is ahead of the curve. When some desk-monkey at Slim-fuckin-Jims is finding ways to tapdance around censors, it's over. Thought control has lost.
Kill yourselves, word cops.
Kill yourselves.

Salad forks.

July 19, 2017

Y'know what?
When I run out of dinner forks, I dig into the salad forks, and they work just fine!
And nothing happens!
The Gods of fru-fru etiquette have yet to strike me down!
Different forks are a lie!
A LIE!
Y'know what happens when I eat my hot food and salad with the same fork?
Nothing!
Nothing bad happens.
Not to the flavor, not to my stomach, nothing.
This has all been a waste of time.
Your parents and teachers have ruined your lives!
RUINED!
With LIIEEESS!!

And the update..

July 19, 2018

Spoons too.

There, that's all the food ones caught up!

Read More......

Facebook foods, part 1

A new sub-category of social media that's a hybrid with Munchies & Crunchies.

Today is a year to the day of the first Stuff From Facebook.
Hopefully, I've gone all the way around the clock, and grabbed all the good rants.
I've got another huge backlog to catch up on though.

"Vengeance Saga", stuff slowed me down.
You won't believe how far ahead I have that thing worked out.

Anyhoo, first, a bunch of food related reruns from all the other posts to get this category started, then next, fresh new ones.
Well, new to the blog, old for Facebook.

Anyway, to the reruns!

80's advertising.

November 6th, 2016

Been watching shitloads of 80's commercials. Both nostalgic and horrifying at the same time.
Big change I've noticed in advertising today from the old days, is they just get in and out and tell you about the product now.
80's ads were full of manipulative heart-string shit.
Trying to get you to associate their junk with either familial love, romantic love, or patriotism.
Babies taking naps on piles of Kleenexe to show how soft it is, and a mother welling up all soggy eyed with motherly joy while wiping her eyes with the same Kleenexe.
Shit like that.
The transition away from that horseshit was so gradual, I didn't notice it going away, but good riddance.
How utterly vile.
Just watched one where a first grade class sings a song about their hard-nosed teacher who helped them learn, so they take her to MickyDees (gee, thanks...) and one little boy finishes the lyrics to the song with a choked up "we're sure gonna miss ya".
It's just fuckin' burgers!
BURGERS!!!
Fuck you, you sick bastards.
Madison Avenue has a lot to answer for for just the "Mad Men", days alone, but I'd forgotten how residue of the twisted manipulation lingered on well into the 80's and 90's.
Come to think of it, there must have been legislation against that kind of stuff, because it never goes away on its own.

Here's that ad.
Hardnose Mrs. Hatcher.
*Dry heave*

Selling out.

Novemebr 13th, 2013

I've never heard of anyone being on their death bed, and wishing that they'd sold out more, conformed more, been more of a phony, been more of a bootlicking asskisser. Funny that.

*Stands over Mrs Hatcher's death bed as the heart monitor goes flat*
We're sure gonna miss ya!
*Presses a button, and she goes down a chute into a hamburger grinder*

Pussy sandwich.

November 20, 2019

So, here's some basic biology everyone intuitively understands.
You can eat a ham sandwich, and then you can have ice cream for dessert.
The ham doesn't "ruin", your mouth for the ice cream.
You don't have to only have ham forever.
Much less only have ham from that particular pig.
Swap mouth for vagina, and suddenly that intuition goes away, and a lotta guys get confused.
And by "a lotta", I don't mean a couple dozen, I mean large swaths of America, and the entire middle east.

Racial mix.

February 8, 2015

Idea: make a bunch of little molded cookie men, and you make them in gingerbread, dark chocolate, and vanilla, and you put them all in the same bag, and sell it as "racial mix", and sell it down south, and cause a riot, and disrupt a couple news cycles.
Best part, the news does your ad campaign for your cookie company for you for free.

Seagull dot.

February 17, 2019

Y'know that little red dot on the beak of a seagull?
It's ketchup.
From all the fries.
That's a true thing.
Don't check Snopes.

I'm not a ritualistic eater.

March 3, 2015

(Reacting to this...)

Expensive food is wasted on me.
I'm not a ritualistic or sentimental eater, I could put away that dog in less than 7 minutes.
I'm not a wolfer, there's no messy chewing, or face stuffing, I just cut, spear, and chew very fast.
It's normal eating on fast-forward.
It's just how I roll.
Plus, I don't fuck around with anything else.
I don't gawk around, I don't chit-chat.
I lock right in, and the ride doesn't stop until it's done.
But, hey, if you wanna piss away 70 bucks on me, go right ahead.
I won't stop ya.
I'm sure the thing is delicious.
It just won't be savored.

Brits reacting to our grub.

February 25, 2015

Out of boredom, I've sat through a bunch of British reacting to American snack food videos.
Well, you folks are never impressed by our chocolate, or our gum.
I am neither offended, nor surprised.
Also, someone has told you that Tootsie Rolls and Candy Corn are great.
I don't know who told you this, but they're lying.
They're also lying that Americans love them.
These are candies specifically for thoughtless aunts and grannies to foist on children they hate.
You seem to be 50/50 split on Twinkies, either you're horrified, or it's the best thing you ever ate.
I have yet to see middle ground on this.

How to really cook a microwave dinner.

February 26, 2019

Laziness tip for microwave dinners.
If the box tells you to cook it, take it out and play with it, and cook it again, screw that, just add up the two cook times, and round off the half minutes.
The oven doesn't care, the food doesn't care, and there's no God of zap-dinners to piss off.
No one will know.

Pork shrapnel.

February 14, 2020

One time, I'm pretty sure it was in the 90's, my mother made homemade baked beans in a crock pot.
Greg was there.

For some reason, the piece of pork fat fucking exploded.
It got all up on the ceiling, and left stains that have never really fully come off.

My mother said "pork shrapnel!!", and Greg laughed like a fucking lunatic.
He thought that was the funniest thing ever.

Decades later, when he was a sad drunk who kept drunk dialing us, the pork shrapnel story kept coming up.
His boozy brain went on repeat like a Disney robot, and the same 4 or 5 subjects kept looping.

Watching Blackadder, watching the Dark Shadows remake, playing Rygar on Nintendo, and pork shrapnel.

Then, you know how it ends if you've read my wall long enough, he died.
Poor bastard.

So, someone on a board mentioned beans exploding, and that whole thing came back to me.
Figured I'd immortalize it in my anecdote bank.
For you, Greg.
Pork shrapnel man, pork shrapnel.
*Salutes*

Yeah, that was a sad one.
That falls under "musing".
Although, it's humor adjacent, what with it being a family joke in happier times....

Fat person hunger.

March 12, 2014

You skinny folk out there will never understand a fat person's hunger.
It's...it really is like the hunger of a zombie.
I had steak, potato, and salad for supper, and stopped, ONLY because the food has to make it 'til the end of the week.
ONLY reason.
If there were more, I would fucking eat it.
I could keep going right now.
I could tear into a fucking cow, and have room for cake.
No, it's worse than being a zombie, it's a zombie with a couple vampires stacked on.
You just don't understand.

Uncle Sam as Hamburglar.

March 24th, 2014

The US government getting on a moral high-horse with Putin is like Hannibal Lecter lecturing the Hamburglar on legality and nutrition.

Snobbery dissected.

April 7th, 2016

You know what makes you a better person than most people?
You might be tempted to say exploring space, or saving lives, or curing diseases, but you'd be wrong.
It's your taste in things, particularly, food, music, and movies.
What you put in your mouth to turn into fecal matter, that's really important.
If you're not paying top dollar for your future-feces, especially future-feces with a frilly French name, well, you should just be put down like a rabid dog.
Also, people putting on makeup, and pretending to be other people is the most important activity there is.
We give trophies to those people.
Being meticulous about what face painted pretending people you watch is an art form unto itself.
Also important is the act of controlled screaming.
Listening to recordings of controlled screaming means nothing if they aren't the RIGHT SORT of controlled screamers.
And if your friends aren't impressed by your tastes in controlled screaming, vicarious make-believe, and making fancy feces, well, then you need new friends.
Sophisticated friends.
Preferably ones that haven't explored space, saved lives, or cured a disease, or they might try to one-up you.

Yeah, Paula Kirby.
*Middle finger*

Gay birthday cakes!

April 9th, 2015

Oh, shit, I just thought of something, Christian bakers!!
Gay people were always gay, so that means...every children's birthday cake you make...is a potential GAY BIRTHDAY CAKE!!!!!
OH SHIT!!!
OH FUCK!!!
AAAA!!!

Safety seals.

February 19th, 2018

At supper, I was ripping the annoying foil thing off the new salad dressing, and I got to thinking.
One crazy evil bitch in the 80's killed her husband with poisoned headache pills for nothing more than a petty blue collar sum of insurance money; and to cover her tracks, she put poisoned pills on the grocery shelves to kill strangers, to make it look like a mad poisoner, so it would look like her husband was one of many intended random victims.
Long forensic story of how they caught her, but they did.
After that, they put the foil thingies on all pill bottles, then gradually, they put them on fucking everything.
Even peanut butter.
Which I just also peeled open minutes ago.
One crazy evil selfish bitch 30+ years ago, and we have to peel foil thingies forever.
Funny, huh?
I wonder what recent thing I'm applying this logic to...I'll let you have fun guessing...

I can't remember what I was applying it to then.
Probably something to do with Trump.

But now, I'm grateful for the safety seals, or assholes would be giving us covid19 on purpose just cuz they thought it was funny.

This is why we can't have nice things.

Addendum-

Oh! I remember what I was comparing safety seals to!
Guns!

The founders wrote guns into the Constitution, and now we actually have to argue over whether kids getting shot in schools is acceptable losses for an immaterial greater good.

But, it doesn't even go back to the founders.
"Militia", meant and means fucking militia.
It doesn't mean Joe Bob Billy Frank wanting a Glock to kill his ex-girlfriend.
That shit was done by a corrupted Supreme Court 50-60 years ago.

Missing normal commercials.

March 30th, 2020

You know what I never thought I'd miss?
Normal commercials.
When even the truck commercials and Burger King commercials say "in these difficult times", you know we're in a river of shit.

Veggie Boy.

April 13, 2017

I remember an old episode of Cheers where Woody became the pitch man for a drink called "Veggie Boy".
Woody had never actually drank the stuff, so he tried some, stifled a gag, and said "wow, you can really taste the kale!".
This got a giggle from the live audience, because who in their right mind would want to drink fucking kale?
Fast-forward 30 years, and hippie idiots across the country are really drinking gallons of kale.
Even after its health benefits have been debunked.
That's right, Americans, not only are you a joke, you're a sitcom joke.
A SITCOM joke.
Stew on that.

New superstitions.

April 18, 2014

Why, on top of being bullshit, do superstitions have to be old?
What's so great about old things?
I think it's long past time for some new superstitions.
Here's one off the top of my head.
If you run over Chester Cheetah with your car, and he dies, all the Cheetos products turn into boiling liquid shit inside the bag to the horror of your children.
Worldwide this happens.
So, watch the road, and stop texting, you twats.

Update...

April 18, 2017

I missed my calling as a writer for PSAs.

Rhubarb.

April 20, 2012

Ate a stick of raw rhubarb for the sake of childhood nostalgia.
My system as a kid must have been operating on a recovery order of magnitude equal to Wolverine...cuz man...this ain't sitting right...and I just feel...wrong...

Up next, part two!!

Read More......

Saturday, June 20, 2020

...but the plague had other plans, Part 15.

And this one doubles as a "Munchies & Crunchies".

As I said here...

Yeah, that's connected to the BLM protests/riots, and IMHO, those were ignited by the virus.

So, yeah, evil cop/riot/protest stuff will be under the banner of the corona tag now.
My blog, my rules.

So, the corporations don't want to get Molotov cocktailed, so they're washing the racism off their logo-age.

Say goodbye to Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, Mrs. Butterworth, and the Cream Of Wheat guy.
Even if it's window dressing, it's a start, and it's about fucking time.

Quickie overview of why these products are racist.

The history of the Mammy stereotype.

Like I said on Facebook, having mascots on products not specifically for children is pretty weird and gross anyway, even if you poof the racism away.
But racist southerners have warped childlike minds, so I'm not surprised that they were marketed to this way.
And for so fucking long.

Nope, I'm on the "good riddance", side of it.
If you wanted to hear a rant about "political correctness", and/or "the death of our precious childhood memories", you came to the wrong fucking place.

I've got no sentimental attachment to this shit.
If you remember, I was all for Ronald McDonald and The Burger King getting sent to the guillotine.

Read More......

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