Thursday, December 13, 2012

Happy 10th Anniversary, Star Trek: Franchise Killer.

Wow, only 10 years?
Feels longer that cinematic Trek got put on ice by ineptitude at every level.

A.K.A "Nemeshits".

Old Trek reviews again.

New review...

Well, that one for this one was pretty short, I'll try to flesh it out some.

First, see the expanded "Insurrection", review again, I mentioned it there some.

First of all, thank Flying Spaghetti Monster that Tom Hardy got another chance as Bane.
He's not to blame for any of this.

Now, let's dissect the movie...

It's got the exact same plot as J.J. Abrams "Star Trek".

Bald Romulan with a super-weapon ship, containing an even nastier super-weapon, wants to destroy Earth, and has a personal hate-on for one of our leads.

So, why did AbramsTrek work, and this not?

Let's list the shit that sucks...

The TNG characters aren't themselves, they're all fucked up.
TNG isn't itself, that's all fucked up.
They even goof on it in the film with "remember when we used to be explorers?".

And on that score, same godawful humor as "Insurrection".

Tons of continuity gaffes, and weird ones, and for no good reason, like the whole "suddenly, Picard was always bald", thing.

Or "suddenly, Dr. Soong made more androids than he said".

And tons of things flat out make no fucking sense, like, why does Shinzon even want to destroy Earth?
There are reasons given, but they in turn make no sense.

Why does Shinzon hate Picard? He doesn't even know the guy.

Why doesn't he just ask Picard for his blood to cure him?
They don't have to exsanguinate Picard, Trek has the tech to work around that.
Chief among them, transporters.

What's the point of B-4 in Shinzon's plan?

What's the point of B-4 in the movie?

What's the point of that stupid dune buggy?
Besides that Patrick Stewart wanted to ride a dune buggy?

Why was B-4 dismantled, and scattered all over the place?

What's the point of Troi being mind-raped in Shinzon's plan?

What's the point of Troi being mind-raped in the movie?

What's the point of Ron Perlman in the movie if he's buried under too much makeup, and voice altered?

Why is anyone else mindlessly going along with Shinzon's nonsense un-motivated batshit plan?
Especially, the mind-rapey stuff?

How did Shinzon even become leader?

How did Shinzon get that ship?

How did Shinzon get that funky cremation ray?

Isn't that funky cremation ray a bit elaborate, when a ship phaser on full disintegrate, and full spread, for a prolonged period, would kill about as many people?
I mean, we heard in TOS that the phasers have enough juice to scourge all life off a planet.
TNG era ships should be even more powerful.

Why did Data have to die?
Firstly, why do TNG/DS9/Voyager era ships lose all transporters as a central system?
The shuttles have self-contained transporters, and the shuttles can be remote controlled.
Use those transporters to save Picard and Data.
Secondly, they were just going to bring Data back as B-4 anyway, so why even bother with that whole subplot?

And, as to the rescue transporter....why aren't those standard equipment in the post-Nemesis universe?

The Trek MMORPG is 30 years after "Nemesis", why isn't every communicator badge a mini-transporter by now?
Why do they hold back the tech in Trek to a certain level?

Why? Why? WHY???


Now, to J.J Abrams Trek.

A lot of these similar questions are swept away with the timeline reboot.

The TOS characters are 99% themselves, what little they aren't can be explained by the timeline change.

The variations in tech can be explained with the timeline change.

Nero has a clear motivation.
His plan is straightforward.
Romulus was blown up, and he blames Spock and the Federation for fumbling the ball there.

And, there's no needless mind rape, or superfluous androids running around.

And, there's no needless "he's your evil clone", bit of business, nor an even more needless "and he has your rare blood disease", subplot.

AND, there's a magical transporter save in this one too, but, the timeline business explains why it'll likely be kept secret.

And, the MacGuffin involved with the failed attempt to save Romulus is also the MacGuffin that makes the alternate timeline.

AND, Nero wants to use it on Earth, because it's obvious poetic justice because it involves how Romulus died.

All nice and tidy.

The bullshit is trimmed, and one MacGuffin ties the rest up in a bow.

J.J. Trek still has its flaws, but they can be overlooked, because 1. it actually entertains, and 2. the flaws don't bite you on the ass the way Nemesis's flaws do.
I mean, you can still nitpick them, and haters do, but, "Nemesis", constantly leaves you asking "why are they even doing this??".

Know what's another flick with nitpicky flaws you can overlook?
"The Wrath Of Khan".

And that's the biggest thing, "Nemesis", doesn't entertain.
It's a fucking downer.
And all the attempts at humor are Jar-Jar level miserable.

But, all of this said...I still hate "Insurrection", way more.
"Insurrection", wasn't even a story I wanted to see to begin with.

I mean, really, when you first heard the plot descriptions for "Insurrection", and "Nemesis", didn't you droop a little?
I didn't get excited at all.
The movies delivered on that gloom.

But, this one is 10 years away from us now, so, let's celebrate that.

1 comment:

Lanz said...

Yanno what really freaks me out? "Ten years away" means it came out in 2002. How the flying moose balls is 2002 that long ago already? Oh the pain, the pain . . .

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