Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Twisted Christmas! (Part 2)

Okay, here's the rest of these...

See if I can kill 'em off before 3 AM, which is Google's midnight.

Merry F#%in' Christmas (2005)

A Christmas special, expanded off of the puppetoon skit, expanded off the Denis Leary song.

Hosted by Leary, with a similar variety show format to the Colbert special, but, full on R rated, and grouchy, and cynical.

I love it.
It could be better, but....this is as good as we have for these sorts of specials for now.
Our culture needs to get a few shades even darker to nail the exact kind of special I'd like to see.
Think "Woodland Critter Christmas", for real.

Home Alone (1990)

Yeah, I always forget this happens on Christmas.
All right, I don't love this, or even dig it, but, I'm kinda forced to acknowledge it.
This was an unstoppable juggernaut.

I'm very surprised this isn't one of the big Christmas flicks basic cable plays as an old standby.
I think....the combination of the shitty cynical sequels that bled it out, and Culkin's implosion into a bony junkie, kind of depress everyone.

I dunno, I guess I'm sick, I'd like to see a "Home Alone", reunion for that exact reason.
Fucked up junkie Kevin vs old-age Wet Bandits with bad hips?
Hell, yeah, sign me up for that.
We're talking a full-on "Ed Wood", situation there.
I'll have my ticket pre-bought online for that one.

It's A Wonderful Life (1947)

See here.

An American white man considers suicide because he's going to lose his middle-class lifestyle...for a little while.

The anthropomorphised universe intervenes, even rewriting time and space, just for him.

Meanwhile, nine year olds are raped in third world nations.

Exorcist hilarious.
Beetlejuice was right.

Metal Christmas (1996)

Yeah, another one (see "A Twisted Christmas").
See if I can't find some clips here....

Eh....*wavey hand*
Not full-on metal.
For my tastes, anyway.
But, at least it exists....

Metalocalypse (2009)


Dr. Rockso, the Dethklok mothers, and Murderface's awful Christmas special funded by Biblethumpers that implodes on itself.


One Magic Christmas (1985)

See here.


Okay, if you're expecting this to be something jolly, like "Santa Claus The Movie", it's just gonna punch you in the stomach, like it did me all those years ago.

But, if you go into this, knowing from the outset, that's it's going be a dark piece of wicked, you can kinda laugh at it as an odd little sort of horror movie.

Like, think....Kapra meets Hitchcock.

Yeah, I now think only the marketing campaign for this was wrong.

Reindeer Games (2000)

Universally despised.

Let it into your heart, with pity, like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree.

Come on, it's Aeon Flux, and Daredevil.

Well, I tried.
So much for my Christmas good deed.

Rise Of The Guardians (2012)

I would've been able to add this in, even if I had been lazy, and done "Santa Claus part 2".

Anyhoo, the holiday guys as superheroes?
I love it!

It's the Rankin/Bass series taken to its ultimate logical conclusion.

But...in execution?
It's getting beaten up, and it got shellacked by "Twilight 4", "Skyfall", and "Lincoln".

Ah, well.
Lotta movies I love had bad box-office, I'll have to see for myself.

Robot Chicken Christmas Special (2005)

Dragonball Z Christmas? Worth the whole special right there.
The rest is gravy.

Santa's Slay (2005)


Oh, shit....aheheheh!!

It's like the fake movie that they're making in some other movie about a character that makes bad movies.
But...it's real!!!

But then...so is Thankskilling....

Scrooged (1988)

Best takeoff on the Scrooge story, and one of the very best Bill Murray movies ever.

Like, right up there.
"Ghostbusters", "Groundhog Day", this...and, yeah, best ones right there.

Throw Bill Murray into the midst of ghosts, or into a temporal anomaly, and you get gold.

Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)

See here for the savage boiling hypocrisy surrounding the condemnation this film garnered, and see why I hate critics, and the larger Hollywood system.

Silent Night Deadly Night 
Part 2 (1987)

The source of the "garbage day!", meme!


...oh, I mean, (Siskel voice) shame, shame, shame!

Silent Night (2012)

Yeah...they did a remake....everything 80's is getting assraped with a remake...

Well, this franchise already got assraped with 3 other shitty sequels.
One of them even had Mickey Rooney.
I shit you not.

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

I hear tell Dick Cheny authorized its use on prisoners at Gitmo.
Seems like something he'd do....

Anyway, this is really horrible.
It raises blisters like mustard gas.

You'll beg for Jar-Jar with gushing tears in your eyes when it's done.

This happened, "Howard The Duck", happened, but..."The Phantom Menace", still took Americans by surprise.
Go figure.
Stephen King couldn't write that shit.

The Ref (1994)

Yep, this was about Christmas.
Denis Leary's first stab at "Merry F#%in' Christmas", looking back in hindsight.

I liked the idea of it, and parts of it.
Anything that shat all over suburban whiny privileged yuppies got my rocks off, but, anytime they made the Spacey character sympathetic, I started to eye-roll.

And to fuck with their stupid kid.
Kill him.

Fucking Hollywood, and their need for syrupy redemptive endings.
It falls apart.
Overall, blah.

BUT...after a torture session with "The Star Wars Holiday Special", you'll be rubbing this greedily on your raw bloody gum holes.

Give this one a pass, really.
I throw this out as further example of how early 90's Hollywood had really lost its own hand in front of its face in the snowstorm.

Oh, man, I just clicked into it, you know what they were going for?
"Home Alone".
Yeah, they only knew how to copy other shit.
Well...it's still like that.

But...like I said...I still like the idea of abusing yuppies...the movie I saw in the trailer, I really dug.
I think this can be remade into something.
Christ, they remake shit into worse shit, why not actually fix a movie with promise?
Dream on, Mike.

Tenchi The Movie 2: 
The Daughter Of Darkness (1997)

See here.

Yep, this happens on Christmas.

Christmas...isn't really a thing in Japan.
I'm decently sure Tenchi and his family are Shinto...and/or whatever the fuck Juraians are.

And yet, here it is, the Tenchi Christmas movie....
Go figure.

Well, "Robot Chicken", did their take on an anime Christmas...but this is the real thing!

And, there's no tentacle monster, or "Akira", blobs, but...there's hypnotic incest, the killing of children, and the justified homicide of a mentally ill homicidal monster which itself is the equivalent of a disturbed child.

Yes, it's actually a bigger stomach punch than "One Magic Christmas", if you can believe it.

But, you know what saves it?
I give a shit about these characters.
They earned that from me.

Trading Places (1983)

Yep, this is a Christmas flick.
You've got that sequence where drunken Dan Aykroyd is in the Santa suit, right?
There you go.

I dunno, I happen to think this flick warned us about Wall Street swine better than "Wall Street".

And yet....everyone was seemingly fucking asleep when that whole godawful derivatives market became "a big thing", and eclipsed the trading in actual goods by Hulk-sized leaps, and bounds.

So, yeah, this is a prophetic horror movie now.
Let it tingle your spine.

Ooof, 3:30 AM, not gonna make it.....

Twisted Christmas (1987-2002)

Some radio stations still play these.

A welcome relief, compared to when some asshole at your job plays country music Christmas shit.

I keep posting Youtubes of these, and they keep getting taken down.
Search 'em yourself.
It's too frustrating to keep the links current.

Venture Bros: 
A Very Venture Christmas (2004)

You know your Christmas special's written by geeks, when they remember to throw in Krampus.

Hey, Hallmark, make a line of Krampus Christmas cards, you pussies.

We Wish You A Metal Christmas: 
And A Headbanging New Year

Well, this had better be better than the last one....

Ahh, yes, better, that woke me up!


Heh heh...
Ahh, Alice....

Well, that album goes on next year's Christmas list.....

South Park (2004)

"Woodland Critter Christmas".

Sacrifices, blood orgies, Santa wasting demonic critters with a shotgun, and a Christmas abortion.
And, the final punchline involves AIDS.

Screw Mr. Hanky, this is South Park's greatest Christmas episode.
Probably my favorite episode period.

I wish I could send it back in time, and force my elementary school teachers to watch it strapped down to hospital beds, and watch them lose their fucking minds in a liberal douchebag hypocrite meldown froth.

But...I'll just settle for that this exists.
And, that a new generation of kids gets warped by it.
There's always that.

And, ho-ho-hoo!
It's really Christmas!
Tomorrow...well...daylight of today....the Christmas compilation.

1 comment:

Diacanu said...

Agh! I forgot Lobo Paramilitary Christmas issue, and Black Dynamite Christmas episode.

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