Monday, December 24, 2012

Twisted Christmas! (Part 1)

So, last year, on X-Mas eve, I did children's Christmas.

Now, adult Christmas.
Cuz, I'm a hairy ol' jaded bastid now, and I needs it dark.

Twisted Sister: A Twisted Christmas (2006)



*Tear of joy* *Sniff*

Ahh, doesn't that feel better already?

A Very Sunny Christmas (2010)

And, it's coming on in 15 minutes from the moment I'm typing this right now.
Baby Jesus only knows when the hell I'll be done enough to post this shit.

As I've posted many places on this blog...this is about the only sitcom worth a damn.
The big 3 networks just make baby food for the autistic.

American Dad (2010)

"For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls".
Steve kills Santa, but not really, cuz Santa is immortal, so Santa comes back for revenge, and the Smiths spend Christmas Eve fighting a war with Santa, and his elves.


Bad Santa (2003)

Holy shit, after this New Years, this'll be a decade old.

Anyhoo, Comedy Central played the uncensored version of this just last night.
So, this is easy to find.
No worries.

Batman Returns (1992)

See here.

Yep, this happens during Christmas time.
It's the Batman Christmas movie.
Forgot that, dincha?

And, it's also got Danny DeVito, so, he was raping Christmas for a long time.
You young kids take it all for granted now.

Black Christmas (1974)

Still pretty disturbing, even today.
Check it out.

Black Christmas (2006)

Tch, yeah, and they remade it.
*Eye roll*

Blackadder's Christmas Carol (1988)

Man, if I didn't owe it to you people to do these blogs tonight, I'd be watching this right now.

The best Scrooge adaptation/parody right after "Scrooged".

Look, all of Blackadder is fucking great, just get the ultimate boxed set of the whole thing.
If you've never seen it...well, do it.
Get the damned thing, it'll change your life.

The Boondocks (2005)

"A Huey Freeman Christmas".

Riley's trying to beat the shit out of Santa for not giving him and his brother anything while they were poor, and Huey is making a school play telling the TRUE story of Christmas, titled "The Adventures of Black Jesus".

Shenanigans ensue.

A Christmas Story (1983)

Damn, next year, this is gonna be 30.

Well...I don't have to say anything here, you know it by heart by now.

TNT and TBS take turns playing it for 24 hours on...well...tonight!
It's on right now!

Peter Billingsley has turned this into a Broadway musical, and, a hack DVD sequel has come out for it that you should avoid at all costs.

This already has a sequel.
And, a threequel.

"My Summer Story", picks up from right after "A Christmas Story", and uses up the rest of the childhood stories from the same novel "In God We Trust (All Others Pay Cash)".
It also goes under the title "It Runs In The Family".

It's not bad, not as good as ACS, but, it's still Gene Shepherd's writing and narrating.

Then, there's "Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss", where Ralphie is a bit older, his early teens, and played by Jerry O'Connell.
That one uses up every last little decent scraps of the novel.

I've read the book, and um, the stories of adult Ralph plain suck.
You're not missing anything.

These three movies make up all the good stuff.
Check 'em out.
If you're an ACS fan, you'll enjoy.

But, again, avoid "A Christmas Story 2", it says "The Official Sequel", but Gene Shepherd is dead, so, who the fuck authorized it?
Nope, it's bullshit.
Doesn't count.

Christmas Vacation (1989)

I saw this at the theater when it first came out.
My folks saw "War Of The Roses".
They raved about it, but, I saw it later, and I thought it was lame.
And, history proved me right, who talks about "The War Of The Roses", now?
"Christmas Vacation", had the 24 hour marathon thingie last year.
And, there's those Old Navy ads with the Vacation cast members.
There you go, it's fast becoming the next "A Christmas Story".
I win.

At the time...I thought it was weak compared to "European Vacation", which I was ga-ga over.

But...take it in isolation as its own Christmas flick, it's pretty good.
"A Christmas Story", good?
Ehhh....yeah, just about.
It's aged like a fine wine.

Christmas Evil (1980)

Did the whole killer Santa thing before "Silent Night, Deadly Night".

Don't know much about it, but, it's a John Waters favorite, so, that makes me stand up, and take notice.

Will Vinton's Claymation Christmas (1987)

Ahh, remember claymation?

Oh, all right, yes, there's Nick Park...

But remember claymation on acid?
Yeah, that's the Wil Vinton shiznit, man.

Well, guess what?
These fucked up memories are on DVD, man!

A Colbert Christmas: 
The Greatest Gift Of All! (2008)

I've got to confess, I've despised every celebrity cavalcade variety show the 70's and 80's ever shat out.

And then, when Neil Diamond, and Kathy Lee Gifford kept turd-logging them out onto America's chest in the 90's, I received the news with even less jubilance.

Well, this is like those, but finally good.
This is the antidote to those awful years of torture, gen-Xers.

Truly, The Greatest Gift Of All!

Die Hard (1988)

See here.

Yeah, see, you forget this one happened around Christmas-time, right?

Yep, it's the Christmas action movie.
Well...the Batman-less one.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)

I miss ya, Jim Varney.

So, this one is about Santa retiring, and having to pass his job, and superpowers, on to a new guy.
That was a new twist that hadn't been done before.

Of course, Ernest has to save Christmas.

This, and "Goes To Camp", were the best Ernest movies.
They gradually went downhill after this.

I dunno, I think this deserves to slug it out with "A Christmas Story", and "Christmas Vacation".

This one was immediately followed up with one where Ernest gets the chair.
No, seriously.

I love that.
You didn't see Jimmy Stewart get the chair after "It's A Wonderful Life".
We should have though.
Jimmy's electrified death dance would have been nuanced, and riveting, I'm sure.

You were a national treasure, Jim Varney.
You'll be remembered long after Jim Carry-s, and Zach Galifianakis-s of this world are dust scattered on the breeze.
I promise.

Family Guy (2010)

"Road to the North Pole".

Brian and Stewey go to the North Pole, and discover Santa exists, and is being crushed under the greed and avarice of the Western World, and Santa's Village is a polluted nightmare hellscape where the living envy the dead.


Futurama (1999)

"X-Mas Story".

The first one with Robot Santa.

In the future, we learn, sometime in the 2800's, they built a robot Santa to make him real, but, a programming glitch makes him a killer, and now Christmas is a day of terror and horror where you hide from Santa.

John Goodman is Robot Santa.

Gremlins (1984)

See here.

Yep, another one that's during Christmas, but you always forget it's technically a Christmas movie.

Shit, if we're going by favorites, I could stop right here, I think we've got the fucking winner.
The darkest, spoofiest, grisliest, etc, Christmas flick ever.
THIS oughtta be our 24 hour marathon, dammit.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)

Yep, this still holds up.
BUT....I side with the Grinchy Grinch.

Christmas IS a disgusting gluttonous beast that can't be sated.
At least the marketed side of it.

Charlie Brown, and Grinch, both warn us every year, and every year, it gets more morbid regardless.
They are not heeded at all.

If you went out, right now, and actually stole Christmas, people wouldn't sing in the town square, they'd rip your skin off with fishhooks.

THEN the children would sing.
With bloodied little faces.


He-Man, She-Ra: 
A Christmas Special (1985)

Orko swipes a spaceship that Man-At-Arms is working on, warps to Earth, and crashes, and then meets human children who teach him about The Magic Baby, and then something-something, Santa, and shopping.

Orko brings Christmas back to Eternia, and it fucks everything up.

It even makes Skeletor's remaining ball fall off.
It took being played by Sexy Dracula to antidote this condition.

It's the worst thing you ever saw.

But, amusingly so.
Total mockery fodder.

That's enough for now, this is a big batch, so, I'm cutting it in half.

Later tonight, the rest of these.

No comments:

Blog Archive