Facebook does this thing of regurgitating up posts you did on this day years ago, and I did these back in 2013.
This would have been way back at the "hi-jinks ensue!", masters of horror Halloween.
I think I meant to recycle them into the very next Halloween, but they didn't pop up, and they slipped my mind.
Well, here they are, and I'll retro link them back to this Halloween.
Enjoy.
Ladies, if you want to survive a horror movie, here's what you should do. Cry. Noisily and sloppily, and with every breath in your body. And lose the ability to walk in a straight line. Wobble around like a drunk because you're crying so hard. Waste lots of time on the crying. Don't try to run. Don't do anything. Just stand there and cry for 10 minutes at a time. Also, when you find the killers stash of trophies, stare at it with a flashlight for 10 minutes. Read the news clippings in detail. Pick things up, and play with them. Make stupid "I can't believe it", faces. Also, cry some more. When you try to steal the killer's car, lose all motor coordination when selecting keys. Cry some more. Piss your pants, and throw up a scent so he can find you. Drop everything you pick up at least twice. Drop something really important, and not notice, and have to run back for it. Cry some more. Don't forget to stand still and not run while you cry. And make sure the crying is loud and sloppy. Don't forget that part. It's important.
How to be the doomed would-be-savior in a horror movie. When a blood soaked screaming woman flags you down on the highway, suddenly lose your comprehension of clearly spoken English, and keep mumbling "I don't understand what you're saying". Do everything possible to stay in that spot. Fight any sensible impulse to get the fuck out of there. Tell the girl to calm down, offer her stupid bullshit, like drinks from your thermos, a blanket, a teddy bear, store bought cookies from the glove compartment, etc, etc. Take 3 minutes to retrieve each item. Fumble them if possible. Expose your back to the pitch darkness from whence she came. Best of all, have something you have to get out of the back of the car, and take your good goddamned sweet time walking around the car to get there. The key here is be slow, and dumb.
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3 comments:
No comment yet on those sodas, but "Alien: Covenant" bored me to tears. Makes "Prometheus" look like....er, well, "Alien" by comparison. Nicely lit good looking boring crap full of crappy mythology-making and dull retreads of scenes from "Alien." Didn't care about anybody on screen at all and Ridley's storytelling abilities hit a new low. Won't be revisiting this one ever.
Lol, I warned ya!
Doesn't look like sequels are happening anytime soon.
Ridley is deluding himself that more are coming, saying he's abandoning the Xenomorph to make it about the androids.
Yeah, you did that, it's called "Bladerunner 2049".
Next.
I really hope sequels aren't happening; if they are, the only way I could possibly see myself getting interested is if Ridley drops out and JAMES FUCKING CAMERON directs them, or something, but yeah right. (And then, only if Cameron directs, and has someone else right the fucking dialogue for him--Cameron could never really write, but I can't imagine how bad he'd be trying it in his 60s!)
And if JAMES CAMERON screws up after Ridley screwed up, it's time to bury the franchise forever.
Since my scenario would likely never happen in ten trillion years (Look for Cameron's Avatar sequels that few people are actually looking forward to sometime in like 13 years when he finishes them) the franchise IS buried.
But noooo, Ridley wants to make like six more of them?!? Kys!!!!
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