Holy fuckballs, what a year.
Orange was the right logo color, cuz it was a fucking dumpster fire.
We got rid of Trump, but Republicans are trying to destroy democracy so he can come back as emperor.
That's not even a fucking joke.
We never get a rest, there's always a worse thing on the horizon.
Last vacation from history we got was the Obama years.
We'll never get another one.
Last time, I had 5 chapters of isolation marathon-ing.
Here's the rest.
In hindsight, I should have been reading books.
Or writing one.
See my final thoughts below for more on that...
Cinemagic died, so when movies come back, I have no idea where to go see them that isn't inconvenient.
Still waiting on Ghostbusters: Afterlife.
I'll literally be pushing 50 by the time the fucker lands, and the 38th anniversary rolls around.
Kee-rist.
Added Emergence Saga to the Harry-canon.
Krazyfool's Den Of Delusion turned 22.
Harry Hembock: Dark Designs turned 12.
I'm mostly ready to start the new book, it's solidified in my head, but I'm reading all of Margaret's books so I can 1. enjoy them 2. relieve some of my guilt for not reading them until now 3. mine them for Easter eggs.
Aaaand, I'm in an existential crisis after Margaret died.
I look at the last 13 years, and what was it all for?
Was this all a waste of time?
Have I just been spinning my wheels in the mud?
Margaret seemed to think so.
She seemed to think I should have fucking been JK Rowling by now.
But, the ideas didn't come.
But, would they have come if I hadn't been messing around with stupid shit here?
Could "Dark Designs" or "Jade-Shade" been good enough to publish, and my sick diseased mind only told me they weren't ready for prime time?
Were they only not ready for prime time cuz I didn't buckle down, because I was fucking off?
If I dropped dead right now, what the fuck do I leave?
My enemies could easily sweep me under the rug, and piss on the rug.
At least Margaret had published books, and kids, and grandkids, and other published writers she inspired.
How long would this blog even stay up after I died, and couldn't tend to it?
Margaret's site vanished.
Only took a couple months.
I tell myself I mattered cuz of my friends, and the one friend who I saved, and y'know, if I "It's A Wonderful Life" that shit, I guess I made a difference.
But...should I have been doing more?
If I ever get published, and rich and famous, Margaret won't get to see it.
I let her the fuck down.
I feel like such a sack of shit over that.
But, wallowing in self-pity won't fix it.
But what the fuck can?
I dunno.
Like I said above, I can dedicate the book to her, and sprinkle it with Easter eggs, but...it doesn't feel like enough.
Short of mystically raising her from the dead, or saving her with a time machine, it never feels like enough.
Typing each next sentence at this blog certainly feels empty.
I dunno.
What was it all for?
Did anyone read this shit?
Did they give a shit if they did?
Or was it all forgotten 5 seconds later?
Have I been typing into the void?
Or is the whole "I should have been making something of myself" train of thought just capitalist brainwashing?
The business side of the publishing business certainly chewed Margaret up and spit her out.
But, she'd see it as a means to an end to have immortality through the Trek books if nothing else.
I just don't know.
I'll plow ahead with the book, and see where it takes me.
If for no other reason than I just don't know what else to do.
But right now, I feel fucking lost.
Like a goddamned astronaut cut loose from the ship and with no juice in the rocket pack.
Oh yeah, and here's the next stupid logo.
Purple.
Then next year, yellow, and then I'm out of colors.
And right now, in this moment, I don't give a shit.
I just don't.
Trump, covid, and Margaret have just taken it right out of me.
I'm typing this on Sunday, but I'll probably still feel the same way
Tuesday.
Tuesday.
I've got some excitement for the book, but until I start, I feel hollow.
Maybe starting will make me feel better.
We'll see.....
Addendum, Monday, 6/28/21.
Some ideas for the main character flooded in last night, and I feel tons better.
:)
Second addendum, Tuesday, 6/29/21 (today).
I randomly decided to re-read Emergence Saga.
Its been awhile.
It felt like someone else wrote it.
Laughed my ass off.
I see what Margaret saw in me.
Feeling really jazzed to get started now. 😎
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