Facebook foods, part 1

A new sub-category of social media that's a hybrid with Munchies & Crunchies.

Today is a year to the day of the first Stuff From Facebook.
Hopefully, I've gone all the way around the clock, and grabbed all the good rants.
I've got another huge backlog to catch up on though.

"Vengeance Saga", stuff slowed me down.
You won't believe how far ahead I have that thing worked out.

Anyhoo, first, a bunch of food related reruns from all the other posts to get this category started, then next, fresh new ones.
Well, new to the blog, old for Facebook.

Anyway, to the reruns!


80's advertising.

November 6th, 2016

Been watching shitloads of 80's commercials. Both nostalgic and horrifying at the same time. 
Big change I've noticed in advertising today from the old days, is they just get in and out and tell you about the product now. 
80's ads were full of manipulative heart-string shit. 
Trying to get you to associate their junk with either familial love, romantic love, or patriotism. 
Babies taking naps on piles of Kleenexe to show how soft it is, and a mother welling up all soggy eyed with motherly joy while wiping her eyes with the same Kleenexe. 
Shit like that. 
The transition away from that horseshit was so gradual, I didn't notice it going away, but good riddance. 
How utterly vile. 
Just watched one where a first grade class sings a song about their hard-nosed teacher who helped them learn, so they take her to MickyDees (gee, thanks...) and one little boy finishes the lyrics to the song with a choked up "we're sure gonna miss ya". 
It's just fuckin' burgers! 
BURGERS!!! 
Fuck you, you sick bastards. 
Madison Avenue has a lot to answer for for just the "Mad Men", days alone, but I'd forgotten how residue of the twisted manipulation lingered on well into the 80's and 90's. 
Come to think of it, there must have been legislation against that kind of stuff, because it never goes away on its own.

Here's that ad.
Hardnose Mrs. Hatcher.
*Dry heave*


Selling out.

Novemebr 13th, 2013

I've never heard of anyone being on their death bed, and wishing that they'd sold out more, conformed more, been more of a phony, been more of a bootlicking asskisser. Funny that.

*Stands over Mrs Hatcher's death bed as the heart monitor goes flat*
We're sure gonna miss ya!
*Presses a button, and she goes down a chute into a hamburger grinder*

Pussy sandwich.

November 20, 2019

So, here's some basic biology everyone intuitively understands. 
You can eat a ham sandwich, and then you can have ice cream for dessert. 
The ham doesn't "ruin", your mouth for the ice cream. 
You don't have to only have ham forever. 
Much less only have ham from that particular pig. 
Swap mouth for vagina, and suddenly that intuition goes away, and a lotta guys get confused. 
And by "a lotta", I don't mean a couple dozen, I mean large swaths of America, and the entire middle east.


Racial mix.

February 8, 2015

Idea: make a bunch of little molded cookie men, and you make them in gingerbread, dark chocolate, and vanilla, and you put them all in the same bag, and sell it as "racial mix", and sell it down south, and cause a riot, and disrupt a couple news cycles. 
Best part, the news does your ad campaign for your cookie company for you for free.


Seagull dot.

February 17, 2019

Y'know that little red dot on the beak of a seagull? 
It's ketchup. 
From all the fries. 
That's a true thing. 
Don't check Snopes.


I'm not a ritualistic eater.

March 3, 2015

(Reacting to this...)

Expensive food is wasted on me. 
I'm not a ritualistic or sentimental eater, I could put away that dog in less than 7 minutes. 
I'm not a wolfer, there's no messy chewing, or face stuffing, I just cut, spear, and chew very fast. 
It's normal eating on fast-forward. 
It's just how I roll. 
Plus, I don't fuck around with anything else. 
I don't gawk around, I don't chit-chat. 
I lock right in, and the ride doesn't stop until it's done. 
But, hey, if you wanna piss away 70 bucks on me, go right ahead. 
I won't stop ya. 
I'm sure the thing is delicious. 
It just won't be savored.


Brits reacting to our grub.

February 25, 2015 

Out of boredom, I've sat through a bunch of British reacting to American snack food videos. 
Well, you folks are never impressed by our chocolate, or our gum. 
I am neither offended, nor surprised. 
Also, someone has told you that Tootsie Rolls and Candy Corn are great. 
I don't know who told you this, but they're lying. 
They're also lying that Americans love them. 
These are candies specifically for thoughtless aunts and grannies to foist on children they hate. 
You seem to be 50/50 split on Twinkies, either you're horrified, or it's the best thing you ever ate. 
I have yet to see middle ground on this.


How to really cook a microwave dinner.

February 26, 2019

Laziness tip for microwave dinners.
If the box tells you to cook it, take it out and play with it, and cook it again, screw that, just add up the two cook times, and round off the half minutes.
The oven doesn't care, the food doesn't care, and there's no God of zap-dinners to piss off.
No one will know.

Pork shrapnel.

February 14, 2020

One time, I'm pretty sure it was in the 90's, my mother made homemade baked beans in a crock pot.
Greg was there.

For some reason, the piece of pork fat fucking exploded.
It got all up on the ceiling, and left stains that have never really fully come off.

My mother said "pork shrapnel!!", and Greg laughed like a fucking lunatic.
He thought that was the funniest thing ever.

Decades later, when he was a sad drunk who kept drunk dialing us, the pork shrapnel story kept coming up.
His boozy brain went on repeat like a Disney robot, and the same 4 or 5 subjects kept looping.

Watching Blackadder, watching the Dark Shadows remake, playing Rygar on Nintendo, and pork shrapnel.

Then, you know how it ends if you've read my wall long enough, he died.
Poor bastard.

So, someone on a board mentioned beans exploding, and that whole thing came back to me.
Figured I'd immortalize it in my anecdote bank.
For you, Greg.
Pork shrapnel man, pork shrapnel.
*Salutes*

Yeah, that was a sad one.
That falls under "musing".
Although, it's humor adjacent, what with it being a family joke in happier times....


Fat person hunger.

March 12, 2014 

You skinny folk out there will never understand a fat person's hunger. 
It's...it really is like the hunger of a zombie. 
I had steak, potato, and salad for supper, and stopped, ONLY because the food has to make it 'til the end of the week. 
ONLY reason. 
If there were more, I would fucking eat it. 
I could keep going right now. 
I could tear into a fucking cow, and have room for cake. 
No, it's worse than being a zombie, it's a zombie with a couple vampires stacked on. 
You just don't understand.


Uncle Sam as Hamburglar.

March 24th, 2014

The US government getting on a moral high-horse with Putin is like Hannibal Lecter lecturing the Hamburglar on legality and nutrition.

Snobbery dissected.

April 7th, 2016

You know what makes you a better person than most people? 
You might be tempted to say exploring space, or saving lives, or curing diseases, but you'd be wrong.
It's your taste in things, particularly, food, music, and movies. 
What you put in your mouth to turn into fecal matter, that's really important. 
If you're not paying top dollar for your future-feces, especially future-feces with a frilly French name, well, you should just be put down like a rabid dog. 
Also, people putting on makeup, and pretending to be other people is the most important activity there is. 
We give trophies to those people. 
Being meticulous about what face painted pretending people you watch is an art form unto itself.
Also important is the act of controlled screaming. 
Listening to recordings of controlled screaming means nothing if they aren't the RIGHT SORT of controlled screamers. 
And if your friends aren't impressed by your tastes in controlled screaming, vicarious make-believe, and making fancy feces, well, then you need new friends. 
Sophisticated friends. 
Preferably ones that haven't explored space, saved lives, or cured a disease, or they might try to one-up you.

Yeah, Paula Kirby.
*Middle finger*


Gay birthday cakes!

April 9th, 2015

Oh, shit, I just thought of something, Christian bakers!! 
Gay people were always gay, so that means...every children's birthday cake you make...is a potential GAY BIRTHDAY CAKE!!!!! 
OH SHIT!!! 
OH FUCK!!! 
AAAA!!!


Safety seals.

February 19th, 2018

At supper, I was ripping the annoying foil thing off the new salad dressing, and I got to thinking. 
One crazy evil bitch in the 80's killed her husband with poisoned headache pills for nothing more than a petty blue collar sum of insurance money; and to cover her tracks, she put poisoned pills on the grocery shelves to kill strangers, to make it look like a mad poisoner, so it would look like her husband was one of many intended random victims. 
Long forensic story of how they caught her, but they did. 
After that, they put the foil thingies on all pill bottles, then gradually, they put them on fucking everything.  
Even peanut butter. 
Which I just also peeled open minutes ago. 
One crazy evil selfish bitch 30+ years ago, and we have to peel foil thingies forever. 
Funny, huh? 
I wonder what recent thing I'm applying this logic to...I'll let you have fun guessing...

I can't remember what I was applying it to then.
Probably something to do with Trump.

But now, I'm grateful for the safety seals, or assholes would be giving us covid19 on purpose just cuz they thought it was funny.

This is why we can't have nice things.

Addendum-

Oh! I remember what I was comparing safety seals to!
Guns!

The founders wrote guns into the Constitution, and now we actually have to argue over whether kids getting shot in schools is acceptable losses for an immaterial greater good.

But, it doesn't even go back to the founders.
"Militia", meant and means fucking militia.
It doesn't mean Joe Bob Billy Frank wanting a Glock to kill his ex-girlfriend.
That shit was done by a corrupted Supreme Court 50-60 years ago.

Missing normal commercials.

March 30th, 2020

You know what I never thought I'd miss? 
Normal commercials. 
When even the truck commercials and Burger King commercials say "in these difficult times", you know we're in a river of shit.

Veggie Boy.

April 13, 2017

I remember an old episode of Cheers where Woody became the pitch man for a drink called "Veggie Boy". 
Woody had never actually drank the stuff, so he tried some, stifled a gag, and said "wow, you can really taste the kale!". 
This got a giggle from the live audience, because who in their right mind would want to drink fucking kale? 
Fast-forward 30 years, and hippie idiots across the country are really drinking gallons of kale. 
Even after its health benefits have been debunked. 
That's right, Americans, not only are you a joke, you're a sitcom joke. 
A SITCOM joke. 
Stew on that.


New superstitions.

April 18, 2014

Why, on top of being bullshit, do superstitions have to be old? 
What's so great about old things? 
I think it's long past time for some new superstitions. 
Here's one off the top of my head. 
If you run over Chester Cheetah with your car, and he dies, all the Cheetos products turn into boiling liquid shit inside the bag to the horror of your children. 
Worldwide this happens. 
So, watch the road, and stop texting, you twats.

Update...

April 18, 2017

I missed my calling as a writer for PSAs.


Rhubarb.

April 20, 2012

Ate a stick of raw rhubarb for the sake of childhood nostalgia. 
My system as a kid must have been operating on a recovery order of magnitude equal to Wolverine...cuz man...this ain't sitting right...and I just feel...wrong...


Up next, part two!!