Haven't done one of these since last summer!
Fluid capacity.
July 26, 2014
If you've ever been interested in my fluid capacity, I just downed a 33.8 ounce bottle of seltzer like a "normal", person's soda.
Fluff from marshmallows.
August 10, 2019
Protip: Wanna turn solid marshmallows into fluff?
15 seconds in the microwave on a paper plate.
Four mallows should make enough fluff for proper sandwich coverage.
Things that taste better than thin.
August 12, 2016
Things that taste better than being thin feels.
Swedish meatballs.
Teriyaki wings.
Betty Crocker chocolate frosting.
Toll House chocolate chip cookie dough.
JIF peanut butter.
The Wendy's Baconator.
A Butterfinger Blizzard.
A strawberry cheesecake blizzard.
Anything by Lindt, but especially the truffles.
Bacon.
Lasagna with burger, sausage, and bits of pepperoni.
Carrot cake.
Blueberry jam.
Cashew butter.
Mountain Dew.
That's just off the top of my head.
"Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels", needs to be abandoned.
It's an outright lie.
Lies don't serve us well as a species.
Well, on keto, I can have the Swedish meatballs, the teriyaki wings, the baconator without the bun, the bacon, and the lasagna with cauliflower rice instead of noodles.
In fact, I have the recipe for that last one coming up...
Turns out though that peanut and cashew butters are iffy...
Impossible Whopper
August 22, 2029
Just had an Impossible Whopper.
I liked it.
If you rip off a hunk of patty and eat it on its own, yeah, there's some stuffing flavor there.
But, chew it all up with the veggies, and ketchup, and mayo, you can't tell the difference. If you're a vegetarian who never had a Whopper, I say, go for it.
One can do vegan keto.
Throw the buns to the seagulls, Impossible Whoppers are fine too.
Straws.
August 23, 2018
So, I'm seeing some dustups over the use of straws.
Whether to use plastic, or metal, or paper, or what.
I've got a brilliant solution to this.
Your mind will be blown.
Don't use straws at all.
They're a novelty.
You don't need them.
They're toys.
They're for two types of people.
1.) children
2.) germ-aphobes scared of drinking out of the glass/cup at the restaurant.
If you're scared that the rim of your drinking receptacle is going to give you Ebola, or the AIDS, you probably shouldn't eat at that place at all.
If you're scared of everyone's glasses, fuck, bring a water bottle.
The sandwich sensation rocking the nation.
August 25, 2019
My new sandwich addiction is peanut butter, raisins, and cinnamon.
I don't know why.
None of that's good on keto.
Bye, candy sandwich.
More food snobbery.
September 8, 2015
Regular old fashioned food snobbery always irked me, but now it's reached this new level where being a finicky bitchy little food-wuss is being played off as a sign of snooty sophistication.
Y'know, the "eeww, runny yolks!", "eeww, I don't eat my crusts!", people.
Now they're acting like that makes them a gourmand.
No, you're a finicky brat.
You don't wanna pull that in my kitchen.
I'm going to make blue collar comfort food, and if I so much as see a single wrinkle form on the bridge of your nose, I'm going to put a gun against your temple and say "every scrap of that is going down your neck, or else it's bullet-supper".
Homey don't play.
And the update...
September 8, 2020
No, past me, the gun isn't necessary.
They just don't get ice cream.
Local Dunkins
October 1, 2017
We've got our Dunkin now.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
It's in a building with two empty holes where Subway and a bank are supposed to be, but they didn't want to pay the outrageous rent the town wanted.
Looks so fuckin' stupid.
What an embarrassment.
No one else can even move into those holes.
If it was too expensive for fuckin' Subway, no mom & pop can pay it.
It's just gonna be like that now.
Forever.
So we've just got this stupid looking little Dunkin with this big empty expansion on it that looks like a condemned apartment.
Way to go, Buxton.
Way to go.
All you need is a malfunctioning nuke plant, and you're Springfield.
Steak n' figs!
October 7, 2018
Wait a minute....I think I've got it!
Cranberry goes with turkey, pineapple goes with ham, applesauce goes with pork, orange sauce goes with duck...but I could never think of a fruit that goes with steak.
....figs.
FIGS!!!!
They're brown, they're strong, like...steak!!
FIGS!!!!
I've done it!!!
IIIII'VE DOOONE IIIITT!!!
*Shakes fists in the air*
Fruits are iffy on keto, but dried and jellied fruit are a definite no-no cuz of the concentration of the sugars.
Greek yogurt.
October 7, 2016
Oh THAT'S what Greek yogurt is!
It's sour cream with fruit in it.
I mean, it's good, but I don't get what the hype was about.
Food hipsters were acting like it was ambrosia.
The proper grip.
October 12, 2013
Y'know what?
I fist grip the fork when I saw on meat.
Especially stubborn cuts of meat.
It works better.
It just does.
Why should I stop doing something that actually works, in favor of something that looks pretty? Eh?
I've never bought the idea of eating being "a social ritual".
Eating is getting food into your guts so you don't die.
Conversation is the social ritual.
Making the process of fueling your guts dainty is just pretentious bullshit.
And pretentious bullshit is at its core a childish power game.
No matter what fork you use, and how elegantly you hold it, you're carving up a roasted animal cadaver to convert it into fecal matter.
That's ghoulish no matter how you dress it up.
I embrace it for what it is, and I do it in a way that's comfortable and efficient for me. I'm all about efficiency.
"Oh, what an unpleasant classless person! There goes his dinner invitation!".
(Grumpy cat) Good!
Paradox.
October 12, 2020
Food paradox: Chicken, broccoli, cheese is the best Marie Callendar pot pie, but it's the worst Hot Pocket. Same ingredients, opposite results.
Both of those were the first to go on keto.
The guts are good for you, the crust not so much.
Plus, there's flour in the gravy of the Marie Callendar.
Oreo mystery flavor.
October 20, 2017
Spoiler- The Oreo mystery flavor is Fruity Pebbles. Now run to your grocery store.
And the update...
October 20, 2020
Damn, that was three years ago now? I can still taste it. There was a Valentines flavor that was also Fruity Pebbles with a perfume-y note on the back end. At least, that's how one Youtuber described it. I missed it. My grocery store didn't carry it. Suppose I could just get some Fruity Pebbles, and some Oreo O's, and mix 'em up.
That shit all has to go on keto.
I don't miss it.
It's poison.
Delicious poison, but still.
Doctoring microwave burgers.
October 21, 2018
Hmm, nice.
Take a store brand microwave cheeseburger, add Heinz Mayochup (mayo and ketchup) and Cains hod dog relish (relish and mustard) and it's better than McDonalds.
If they can do that to the crummiest burger, they should be orgasmic on a home cooked one.
Well...I could eat the patty, and the cheese, and the condiments.
Gonna be messy with no bun though...
Skippy-ostomy!
October 21, 2020
(Reacting to this...)
JFC, they've basically put Skippy PB in an ostomy bag.
Combine one of these with one of those rubber sex-toy butts, and you could really have some childish fun.
Ah, the sweet innocent days just before the pandemic.
Cottage cheese saves.
October 23, 2020
My life would have been a lot easier if I had known sooner that cottage cheese is the antidote to baked beans.
Beans are bad for keto!!
No more beans!!
Yaaaayyy!!!
No more Slim Jims.
October 26, 2016
Damn, my foot's gout-y.
Must've been the Slim Jims.
I bought a box of 46 mini Slim Jims a couple weeks back, and had intended to eat them gradually through the week, but I compulsively nibbled away and ate them in 3 days.
And I didn't get gout, and my weight didn't fluctuate.
Halloween candy trick.
October 28, 2020
Want something better than a Reese's cup cheap and easy?
Get yourself a bag of Hershey's miniatures, and a jar of JIF peanut butter.
Pour out about 6 miniatures at a time onto a paper plate, unwrap 'em, scoop out a blob of JIF onto a butter knife, pick up a miniature with the blob, eat it off the knife, repeat.
The peanut butter is better, the chocolate is better, and you get multiple flavors and textures.
Enjoy.
Cereal squares.
November 10, 2012
Okay, this is driving me nuts, Google won't give me any satisfaction.
In the late 80's, early 90's, there were these cereal squares, they came in a little plastic dish like those individual servings of cereal you can buy, but smaller, and they had a bit of plastic you peeled off to get at them.
One flavor had a layer of peanut butter sandwiched in the middle, with chocolate chips, another had a layer of sweetened cream cheese with dried bits of peach, and the third was the same but with dried strawberries.
I can't remember the name, or the company, I just remember they were a fucking flavor orgasm, and they don't make them anymore, and I want to blog about them, but every search term and word combination yields absolutely nothing.
Come on, someone remember these fucking things.
Help me!
Nobody helped.
They're lost to history.
Blueberry Coke.
November 25, 2019
Is it creepy I can't stop sniffing the hole on this empty blueberry/acai flavored Coke can?
Everyone said yes.
Midnight soup snack.
December 18, 2013
So, that'll teach me.
Note to self.
Don't make your two cups of rice boiled in chicken broth, lubed up with butter, mixed with tomato soup, and sprinkled with tons of pepper and shakey cheese concoction at midnight, you WILL have messed up talking to your dead grandfather dreams, and be awoken at 6 am with radioactive heartburn.
And the update...
December 18, 2020
I don't have obscene shit like this for midnight snacks anymore, and I'm still a fat bastid. Fuck do I gotta do, live off water and dust?
Kee-rist.
And Alexandra's comment...
No, just lay off the carbs.
Simples.
She was right!
Low-carb fast food.
January 18, 2021
Fairly easy to do low-carb on Chinese.
Beef & broccoli or beef & mushroom, and just throw away the rice.
Or egg foo yung without the gravy (flour in gravy).
Chinese and Wendy's salads it is.
Gravy-less foo yung is kinda bland, so I put some pepper-jack cheese on it, and that really does the trick!
Orange buns.
February 11, 2021
Aw, damn, just had a flavor flashback causing a carb craving.
Back in the 80's, Pillsbury made a glazed bun that instead of cinnamon was orange flavored. The tangy of the orange, and the sweetness of the glaze contrasted just right, and made it like crack.
Cinnamon buns conquered the planet in the 90's, but in the 80's they experimented with bun flavors more.
I miss that.
I got over the hump, and don't crave that shit anymore.
Gaga cookies.
March 15, 2021
(Reacting to this..)
So....what do you suppose Lady Gaga tastes like?
I always assumed sweat, glitter, lilac, and those tiny translucent hairs girls have where the face stubble and sideburns would go.
And blood.
Why is the cream green?
Is Gaga's blood green?
That would explain some things.
Hey, fuck you, Nabisco, you made this product, these are the natural questions it makes one ask.
This better not be a cruel prank like the Gwyneth Paltrow vagina candle.
PB & egg burger
March 22, 2010
Just had a hamburger with fried egg, and peanut butter.
Hm, not bad.
But...boy, nothing says "time for a diet", like a dinner like that...
And the update...
March 22, 2021
Peanut butter works, egg works, peanut butter and egg together is fucking horrid.
The peanut butter reacts with the Sulphur in the yolk, and makes this weird new taste I can't describe.
Do not attempt.
And I got the idea off Food Network, so blame them.
Biskit in a chicken!!
March 23, 2021
Duh! I can have all the burgers I want, just not the buns, and instead of throwing the buns AWAY, I give 'em to the chickens, and they convert 'em into eggs!
The relish!!!
April 6, 2021
Y'ever watch the pantry scenes in "The Shining" and think about what you'd eat?
I'd go after that giant can of relish.
I'd just start sucking that shit down like it was soup.
Then I'd probably be crippled in bed by gout.
And my stupid ass would go "why?!!? Why has this happened?!?!...oh, right...the relish".
That would be my Overlook Hotel story.
Relish gout.
Keto has cured my gout.
See above!
I could eat that fucking relish now!
And done!
Next time, keto recipes!!
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