Stuff from Facebook #47.
-and-
Post 19 away from 3000 posts!
Shit, two days late!
I took a couple hours break from the last one thinking I was gonna come right back, and I got caught up in binge-watch stuff instead, and by yesterday, I just flat-out forgot.
Anyway, here we go...
Brain anti-virus.
March 23rd, 2015
Just about all the geopolitical problems going on right now would go away at light switch speed if you could just anti-virus human brains.
Just hit a button, wait out a progress bar, and everyone goes "oh...there's no God, there's no Allah, we've been killing each over absolute bullcrap, what a waste of time this has all been, I'm so embarrassed", and everyone just fucks off, and goes either home, or to a bar.
Done.
Nope, brains hold onto their viruses like grim death, there's no removal tool short of a bullet, and these malfunctioning computers have a hold of bodies and they're coming at ya.
Hey, transhumanists, get on that whole anti-virus thing first.
Give us malware-free systems before hooking them up to fucking Hulkbuster bodies.
Jesus on Cosmos.
March 23rd, 2014
Creationists are sniveling for equal time on Cosmos.
After much thought, I've decided I'm all for it.
Get Jesus on Cosmos.
In person.
No middle-men.
Talk about must-see television!
Come on, why is the little fella so shy?
He's got super powers.
Chief among them, being death-proof.
How is an indestructible man insecure about anything?
Also, it's just an hour of his time.
One stinking episode.
Is he really THAT busy?
Looking at the state of the world, I'm thinking not.
Put up, or shut up, Jesus.
Stop sending your goons to fight your battles.
Monster fangs.
March 24th, 2018
Y'know what always kinda bugged me with horror movies where a human turns to a monster?
Regular teeth turning into fangs.
Bones don't liquefy and re-mold like that.
At least not exposed bone protuberances the way teeth are.
Your old teeth would have to pop out to make way for freshly grown fangs.
Doesn't anyone remember baby teeth?
That's how that works.
Lamberto Bava's "Demons", is the only one to get this right.
Maine Job Service.
March 24th, 2017
Thanks, Maine Job Service, for never finding me a job, never e-mailing me, changing your name 5 times, merging with a nationwide conglomerate without informing me, keeping my social security number on file forever, and then getting hacked, and THEN e-mailing me.
You're just aces.
Exemplary service.
Would recommend to friends.
Into the groove.
March 27th, 2018
Ever hear a song in your dream that's as real as if it were coming through your ears, and then when you wake up, its stuck in your head all day?
Its never a song you like, is it?
Mine right now is "into the groove", by fucking Madonna.
I couldn't tell you the lyrics to save my life, but in my brain radio, apparently every phonon (sound particle) recorded back in 19-fucking-85.
In crisp perfect fidelity, in perfect stereo balance.
Fuck you, dream DJs.
You're worse then Freddy.
The Harry Hembock check.
April 1, 2013
Amazon finally cut me my goddamned check! So, there, I'm a paid author now. Transaction complete. And, no, it's not a stupid April fools, it'll be just as true tomorrow.
The update...
April 1, 2020
A couple years ago, they finally changed their policies so they can't sit on your money until you clear certain hurdles anymore, they have to mail you whatever you've got.
I got a check out of the blue for two fucking bucks.
It must have been the residue of what didn't clear the last hurdle for the first check.
I took forever to cash it, cuz I never go to the credit union, and because I took so long, it got cancelled.
So I've got this worthless powerless Harry Hembock check for two bucks that it's too much of a pain in the ass to contact Amazon to send me another one.
It's kind a of a sad relic of my failed comics/writing "career".
BUT...y'know, this is the kind of shit that would happen to Harry.
I'll count it as a piece of merchandise.
Fuck action figures and lunch boxes.
I've got the Amazon check that wouldn't clear.
WTF can you get for 2 bucks, anyway?
Can you even get a Dunkin Donut?
I think you can get a cheeseburger and a chicken nugget.
That would be the Harry Hembock Christmas special.
Him trying to get maximum value out of his pathetic 2 dollar check, then him bawling to a cruel audience laugh track.
The addendum...
(A friend responded with a cry smiley)
Cry smiley? I wasn't whining, I genuinely find it darkly humorous.
Things that aren't critical thinking.
April 6, 2016
Here's some things that are aren't critical thinking.
1. Paranoia.
2. Anti-corporate bias.
3. Pro-corporate bias.
4. Xenophobia.
5. Homophobia.
6. Superstition.
If you find yourself veering into any of those, you're doing critical thinking wrong.
Start all over, and keep trying.
Some additions to the list...
7. Misogyny.
8. Racism.
9. Classism.
10. A willingness to sacrifice innocents for your goals.
And 10 applies to the accelerationists who are allegedly leftist, but want Trump to win, so it'll piss people off enough to have a revolution.
You're rooting for innocent death just as much as the plague preachers, and the voting disenfranchisers hoping black people are too scared of covid19 to vote, and that crazy stupid old white people are willing to die in order to vote Trump.
You're just as fucking evil.
You're exactly the same.
Ain't no utopia coming from your fucking revolution, stink-pigs.
Goth porn.
April 7th, 2014
Look, Facebook, it's sweet of you to keep recommending "Gothic Beauty Magazine", on the sidebar there, it really is.
BUT, I can't have goth porn in my feed.
I just can't.
I'd be jizzing in my pants constantly, and I wouldn't get anything done.
I need to be functional.
One has to be pragmatic about these things.
Thanks anyway, Facebook.
Adblock solved all of this.
People conceived to songs.
April 7th, 2013
Grim thought of the day.
Every song you ever hated, someone somewhere not only loves it, but used it for the soundtrack of the greatest moments of their life, including screwing.
Which means, every song you loathed 20 years ago, someone somewhere of adult age now was conceived to it.
"Rhythm is a dancer", is walking around out there.
"Informer", probably gave you change for a fiver.
There's no question that if you were vandalized or burgled, it was "Whoomp there it is!", and his buddies "Knockin da boots", and "Insane in the brain".
Today's emo kids?
"Come undone", the whole lot.
And the update...
April 7th, 2019
1999 "no scrubs", told me you can't get anything for under 4 bucks at the movie candy counter.
But "all star", sold me a bag of Swedish Fish and a Halloween sized bag of Spearmint Leaves for $3.50 at the grocery store.
Good old "all star".
Gay birthday cakes!
April 9th, 2015
Oh, shit, I just thought of something, Christian bakers!!
Gay people were always gay, so that means...every children's birthday cake you make...is a potential GAY BIRTHDAY CAKE!!!!!
OH SHIT!!!
OH FUCK!!!
AAAA!!!
Finding yourself.
April 9th, 2014
You always hear about these rich kids that go to Europe, or India, or wherever, to "find themselves".
I never had to "find myself".
Not from scratch, anyways.
I lost track of myself during the 00's for a bit, but I was in the Harry books right where I'd left myself.
Didn't need a locator app or anything.
Maybe society is fucking these kids up, maybe I'm a luckier sonovabitch than I ever knew, maybe a little of both.
I don't know.
No, most people just need bullshit cliche phrases like that to justify travel to themselves.
"I'm bored of staring at my shitty fucking neighborhood", doesn't sound as romantic and adventurous as "I need to go find myself".
Kill the police, children!
April 9th, 2013
Small children need to learn how to kill the police as soon as biologically possible.
Ideally, this should start at 3, definitely no later than 5.
What do you folks think?
Discuss.
The update...
April 9th, 2018
I still think this is rational and sensible.
And the other update...
April 9th, 2020
7 years ago me was the sanest me of all.
Cancer cure credits.
April 10th, 2018
I hope someday, a mad genius makes a sequel in a nerd franchise that pisses off "traditionalists", and then they hide the cure for cancer in the fucking credits.
And a bonus episode from a board!
Through a scanner really fucking darkly.
April 10th, 2020
I don't think I've seen anyone mention this before, and I may even be the first to even notice it.
Okay, in the original Tron, the way they describe how the scanner works, is it scans your molecular structure into the computer, then smashes apart your molecules, and "suspends them in the beam", IE sucks them up, then reverses the process by spitting out the stored molecules, and scanning your digitized pattern back onto the molecules, putting you back together, and 3-D printing you back into meat-space.
So, when you're in Tron-land, the beam emitter is acting like the pattern buffer on Star trek, holding your molecular toner for later.
SO, in Tron Legacy, Flynn Senior has scanned himself in, and gotten trapped by Clu, and Sam goes in to get him.
2 hours and 5 minutes of chases and Daft Punk music later, Sam and Quora come out into meat-space, and leave behind Flynn Senior.
Where did Quora get her molecule toner from?
She was never human before.
I'll tell you where.
Flynn Senior.
Sam took Quora home that very night, and essentially fucked his dad.
(Shocked surprise smiley)
That's how that movie ends.
That's what happens.
Enjoy.
(Eating popcorn smiley)
To which a friend replied...
But since Sam shares 50% of his father’s DNA, he was also technically masturbating at the same time.
To which another friend replied...
And when you consider that Quorra is an automaton, who, though sentient, may lack the ability to consent and is technically not human, Sam may be guilty of rape, incest, bestiality, and masturbation simultaneously.
One would be hard pressed to find that level of depravity even in a Tiger King episode.
And, boom, there's those.
Up next, another batch of greedy swine!!
Previously with SFF-
Liars and cowards, Part 6. (SFF #46)
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