Doo-de doot, doot, doo...so, books, cartoons, strips, now, the fun stuff, TOYS.
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
The film-
Horrible.
Possibly the worst movie ever, definitely the worst adaptation ever.
Remember in "Monkeybone", when I described the experience of "punishingly awful"?
Yeah, well, it fits this to a tee.
A torture trial of blushing groaning embarrassment to get through this piece of waste.
Especially if you loved the cards, which was the main draw of this fucking thing.
WTF were they thinking?
The kids look like they've got downs or something, the mouth movements are terrible, you only get four of the ugly little buggers, the script is witless, not even as funny as the comics on the back of the cards, it's mostly about the little creep in suspenders on the poster, and he's a twit, the villains are teenage jerks out of a stereotype catalog, and....there's a musical number that makes "it's a small world", look appealing.
WTF..were...they..thinking?!?!
The history-
Fuck this movie, here's my review of the cards again.
From here...
Well, by now, you know my rant on Cabbage Patch kids.
So, you can only imagine how joyously I recieved the arrival of these.
Holding that first packet of cards from the first series in my hand instantly told me that the subversive weirdo community had come through yet again, but also, that the mere existence of it as a product meant there were millions of kids like me who felt the same way.
It was wonderful.
I collected the shit out of 'em.
Even after Cabbage Patch sued to have the likenesses changed.
I took that as their admission of shame.
Not only were they exploitive douches, but they couldn't take a fucking joke, and were tyrannical bullies about it.
Add Xavier Roberts to the list along with the other bitch-titted tyrants.
He-Man/She-Ra: Secret Of The Sword
The film-
A raging disappointment in hindsight.
I was expecting edgier story elements, and improved animation, like in Transformers The Movie.
What I got was literally a three-parter episode of the show.
I mean, not shitting you, the second this left theaters, it got recycled as the first three episodes of the She-Ra series for free on TV.
My mother was...irked.
So, He-Man learns he had a long lost sister, kidnapped as a baby by Hordak into a parallel world, and so, he goes after her,finds her, turns her to the good side, and she finds it within herself to call upon the power of She-Ra, and be girl-He-Man.
And, then he leaves her there to be the He-Man of that dimension.
...and launch a failed line of dolls for girls.
PPPPT!
Ripoff.
The history-
See above.
Masters of the Universe
The film-
Ahh, now this was more LIKE it!
This was the flick I had in mind that the Filmation thingy screwed me out of.
Lundgren is no master thespian, but..He-Man ain't Hamlet, he gets the job done.
Langella is a delight.
He owns the damned screen every time he shows up.
And...Meg Foster's...creepy hypnotic eyes.....
Yep, fun fuggin' flick.
The history-
Yeah, this made my day/childhood almost as much as Transformers.
(Although, upon recent re-viewings, I think this is easily the better quality film)
Good times. Good times.
Go-Bots: Battle of the Rock Lords
The film-
Jumped into production during production of Transformers, and beat it to the theaters by a few months...and got its ass stomped by Transformers for its trouble.
Seen clips, not impressed, another one charging you theater price to see what you can get for free on TV.
And...figures that turned to rocks?
WTF?
Were you supposed to hide them in a garden path?
Why was that a good power?
The history-
Have never worked up the will to want to dig it up to see it.
...and I owned some of the damned Rock Lords....dammit.
Well, let's rewind back further for some better memories.
I remember the Gobots beat Transformers to the marketplace...and I lost my fucking MIND when I saw that first commercial.
Why...this was the best idea EVER!
Then....some weeks/months later, with no prior announcement or fanfare....the cartoon blasted up into my face.
I was home alone when it happened, and I lost total goddamned control.
Flipped out, spazzed, screamed my guts out, hopped up and down.
You've seen the routine when kids open a present they're apeshit over.
Like that.
I mean, listen to that theme, it's fucking epic.
It makes you think you're going to a see a show a billion times better than what actually happened.
And, as to the screaming, I like how my goofy neighbors probably thought I was getting murdered or something...and didn't do a fucking thing.
Nothin.
Nice to know.
Pricks.
No superheroes in that glob of humanity.
Anyhoo, fast-forward a couple weeks, and the Transformers cartoon comes, and is a thousand times better.
Fast forward to a couple Christmases later, and I'm ignoring Gobots reruns with a bored sneer.
So, when "Battle of the Rock Lords", rolls out, I'm like "ehhhh....".
Poor Gobots.
Kids are such fickle little pricks.
Transformers The Movie
The film/history-
Yup, that's right, again.
See here.
G.I. Joe The Movie
The film-
Released straight to TV.
It's no Transformers The Movie, but, pretty darned good.
Blood, death, the descent of Cobra Commander into a tragic figure, some wild stuff.
Wasn't even really a GI Joe fan, but this impressed.
The history-
Why wasn't I a fan?
Short version, I was a lefty peacenik at an early age without even being taught.
Longer boring version...(from here)
G.I. Joe
Wasn't into it.
Figured out pretty quick, even without the vocabulary to frame it, that there was something spooky and ominous about the Military Industrial Complex, and that this whole thing was a commerical for war.
A big thing that clicked for me, against that whole "rah-rah!", deal, was noticing the playground bullies had that whole drill sergeant demeanor going on.
Wasn't my vibe.
I don't mind it now as a relic of the past, I can enjoy it as fiction, but at the time, lines were being drawn.
I was very aware that various ideologies were competing for my heart and soul like divorcing parents.
It was a queasy thing.
Nowadays, my views are...complicated.
And I've lightened up on this show considerably.
Oh, yeah...there was also that lie/rumor spread on the playground that the show had ended, because everyone just up and died.
They were so casual and sincere about it, I bought it for awhile.
By the end of that recess, I knew it was bullshit, but they had me for a few minutes.
I turned that into my lame April Fools gag this year.
So, now that's finally explained.
I just left everyone in the dark on that, and giggled to myself.
G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra
I can only assume it's bad.
I mean, string together the trailers for this, and Bay-Formers you can barely tell 'em apart.
And, does "the rise of Cobra", have all the detail and background of what Marvel came up with?
I bet not.
...nice ass on Baroness though...
The history-
See GI Joe The Movie above.
Mars Attacks
The film-
Well, shit, we've had Garbage Pail kids, and Mars Attacks...wherezuh Wacky Packages movie, huh?
Anyway, well....I kinda like it.
Lotta people say that after Tim Burton did Ed Wood, he turned into Ed Wood with this one.
That's....probably why I dig it.
In a weird way, I think they make a good double bill because of that.
The history-
Aw man, I was on one of our family Shady Dave's trips, and blew my wad on comics right at the front door, and then found the entire collection of the reprint issue of the cards for like 35 bucks.
Never saw 'em again.
Son of a bitch....
Had 'em..had 'em right there in my goddamned hand....
Anyway, doesn't matter now, cuz...THIS.
There, there's your Mars Attacks movie.
That's all you needed.
Probably cost a thousandth, if not a millionth of that big screen thingy.
Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure
The film-
No one I know remembers this.
They scratch their head, and look at me like I'm nuts.
I must have seen it at least a hundred times.
The animation was way ahead of its time, better than what Disney was shitting out at the time, even.
See the history...
The history-
Okay, check it out.
I still have these songs at instant recall in my head, and finally seeing them again on Youtube, they hadn't diminished a single bit.
Man...seeing it now...that's disturbing...various things that look like asses, tits, and genitals look like they're forming in those shapeshifting globs....
I always as a kid loved the way the camel said "rooot beeeer!!", I would wait for it to happen every time.
Had forgotten it all this time, and it came right back to me "roooot beeer!!".
Haha!
Anyhoo, the story I read on some site I can't find now, is the animator of this was a genius, but had a terrible business head, and would always run over budget, and over time, and he pissed off enough people in the business he couldn't get any work anymore.
And there's no clear story on the why of this bit, but it seems to me like it might be a vindictiveness thing, anyway, it seems the rights to all of his stuff, including this, were allowed to lapse, and they're floating around with no one owning them, so, that's why you can't buy an official copy of this.
It's a lost and forgotten classic.
And the dude died.
The whole thing is on Youtube now though, check it out.
Hmm, you can see strong resemblances in the Camel song alone, to Toy Story there....
The Care Bears Movie
The film-
Well...CareBears had the Carebear Stare....
And that creepy evil book was sorta of a training-wheels version of the Necronomicon...
And seriously, how messed up was the possession plot there, of having the book corrupt that kid until he looked like a sunken-eyed junkie?
Course...the Care Bears themselves were sickly sweet, as is to be expected.
But, the villains were promising.
The history-
Disney Channel, I think.
The novelty of having the thing meant you watched all that was on offer.
My Little Pony:
Rescue From Midnight Castle
(AKA Firefly's Adventure)
The film-
Another one you can't find on video, and people think I'm nuts when I describe.
There was an official theater released My Little Pony movie, with Danny Devito, and Cloris Leachman as comedy villains, but...this I consider to be the real first Pony film, and the only one I bother with.
Why?
Because it's dark, and fucked up.
Buckle up for this story keeds....
The history-
From here...
My little pony...*grumble*...
Well, at least no one died in a late-night sale of the things like Cabbage Patch.
Ohhh, yeeeaah, I remember...there was a fuckin' TV movie of My Little Pony, and...I watched it for some fuckin' reason...and it was really fucked up..
Seriously.
Like, it was DARK.
There was like, this villain with a hood, and red glowing eyes, and he had this magic sack full of evil purple smoke that would turn the My Little Ponies into these fuckin' demon monster horses to pull his chariot of evil, and they were like all rotoscope animated, and fuckin' real looking compared to the style of the ponies...
Oh, yeah, and the sack of evil beat like it had a fuckin' heart in it, there was that too.
Keerist...
Some really subversive bastard got ahold of that script, man.
I shit you not, this happened.
Course, the ponies win in the end somehow.
The power of love, or some goofy horseshit.
Hey! Horseshit, ponies, heh heh!
Ahhh...
Oh, I remember why I watched it, Ma was babysitting the neighbor girl.
Heh heh, then it was this evil thing that I ended up getting a kick out of.
She was horrified, of course.
Made it all the sweeter.
Yep, Tom Six says things like "Human Centipede is My Little Pony compared to the second one!".
Have ya...seen My Little Pony, Tom?
Muahahahaa!!!
Small Soldiers
The film-
Speaking of fucked up toy movies...
How about Toy Story after shooting up on Gremlins?
Well, this is exactly that.
Directed by Joe Dante of Gremlins 1 & 2 fame.
And...as with Gremlins, the titular characters are the bad guys.
Also, unlike Toy Story, or Raggedy Ann, the toys interact with the humans.
Odd little film. Culty.
A one-watcher, in my book, but...YMMV.
The history-
Cable.
Toy Story
The film/history-
From here...
Wow...'95, holy shit.
That old now...
Well, first fully CGI film.
Now, CGI toons dominate the industry, and it's almost no big thing.
Shit, FILM as a transfer medium is almost dead as a dino.
Crazy.
Toy Story 2
The film/history-
From here...
*Sob, sniff...the cowgirl song...sniffle, blubber*
*Blows nose*
...SHUT UP!!
Toy Story 3
The film/history-
From here...
Oh, that's right, Michael Keaton was "Ken", in this one! That's where he went! (See "Mr Mom", here).
Barbie's line "Authority should derive from the consent of the governed, not from threat of force!", was great.
Obvious antitidote to the whole "teen talk Barbie", deal.
Also...*sob*...*choke*..the furnace..*sob*...the hand off to the little girl...*sob*...
...SHUT UP!!
Ahem...
So, that one's finally done, up next....films based on video games.
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