Finally, the wrap-up of this pesky stubborn three-parter!
"Destroy your childhood".
July 5, 2017
I keep seeing articles with headlines like "_____ will destroy your childhood".
I can't wrap my head around that concept.
It's not a thing I ever experienced.
My childhood wasn't a bucket of butterflies and marshmallows, and I don't know anyone for whom it was.
That's not to say it was an unrelenting horror show if trauma either.
And, I don't remember the media I consumed being sanitized pabulum.
I saw all the 30's & 40's Disney movies with characters that died, Looney Tunes were violent as fuck, my picture books of dinosaurs had the T-Rex devouring brontos alive.
And as for "taking away the innocence of things", as soon as I discovered that doing bloody parodies of cute things was a thing that you could do, I did it myself immediately.
As soon as my puberty budded, and I learned that having childhood characters FUCKING was a thing you could do, I did that right away too.
Biggest trouble I ever got in at school was being caught with my drawing of Mickey eating Minnie while she was on her period.
I think I was 12.
Yeah, so, not something I understand.
I'm left out of that, I think.
And the update...
July 5, 2019
I keep forgetting sometimes.
I'm not a normie.
I'm immune to the destroying, because I'm a destroyer.
Like Pippi Longstocking innocently tossing her playmates around, but psychologically.
No wonder Ma had me read that book.
I didn't get the symbolism until just now.
Hmmm...
Flo porn.
July 5, 2015.
You know what's odd?
There's no porn parody of the Progressive Insurance ads with Flo.
You'd think that would be a natural.
There's porn of everything.
But no Flo.
All I can think, is they're scared of Progressive's lawyers.
Parody is fair use, and they've done ones of Family Guy, American Dad, Superman, Spiderman, Avengers, Flintsones, Wayne's World, Beetlejuice...
BUT, Nintendo did shut down a Mario porn.
I have no special need of Flo porn, I just think it's odd that that of all things is missing from the picture.
The culture feels like it has a missing puzzle piece.
It's the incompleteness that bothers me.
Rule 34 is a law of physics to me, and it feels violated.
They weren't ready.
July 6, 2017
Whenever I do a ramble (or whatever you wanna call it) that lands with a fart, I always remember something Carlin said in his biography.
His point of view on it was "your crowd just isn't ready for it yet".
He gave the example of that his abortion chunk in one of his shows was actually grosser and darker than what ended up in the HBO recorded version, but he tried it in clubs first, and people weren't digging it, so he edited it down.
But he wouldn't throw that stuff away.
He'd save it for 2-5 years later, and try it again, and see if people were ready.
So, that means, a lot of his stuff from the darker period of the 90's until his death was stuff people weren't ready for in years prior.
That cheers me up.
Keeps me from beating myself up.
I just remind myself "ope, they weren't ready for that one, file it away".
And the update...
July 6, 2018
This is coming true.
People didn't want to hear my anti-capitalist stuff until after the Trump election.
And I knew the " nice", religionists were ticking bombs, waiting to turn nasty on a dime.
But some of you thought I was being a big old grumpy-face.
How you feeling now that you can't trust your neighbors and relatives anymore?
You're coming around.
Fake smart people.
July 13, 2016
Don't you hate it when someone has just enough of a vocabulary that you think they're a proper human being, then when you get two more exchanges into the conversation, you realize they have the intellectual capacity of a toddler, and they tricked you?
It's like one of those bugs that looks like a leaf.
I blame word-of-the-day calendars.
Dr. Seuss motto.
July 14, 2012
(Reacting to this...)
Yep, this one's got me through a lot of fucking rough times.
Lily Cade.
July 16, 2020
A line I heard spoken in a lesbian porn last night.
"There's no Hell but here, no Heaven but desire, this is all there is, this is the universe, and it's beautiful!".
Spoken by Lily Cade just before she stuck her strap-on into a shy nervous cheerleader type.
I Googled to see if that's from something, but couldn't find anything.
As far as I know, it's a Lily Cade original.
Why can't straight porn have cool lines like that, dammit?
Anyway, I'm a Lily Cade fan now.
Accidental friendings.
July 18, 2017
Ever accidentally friend someone, and have to race to unfriend them, and get paranoid that they saw you, then remember Facebook tattles on you, then feel guilty as shit?
Happened to me.
Fucking drop-down menu vanished on me, and my desired click area got replaced with his friend button against my will.
Dude from high school.
Haven't heard dick from him in 24 years.
I liked the guy all right, but...I don't think he'd like my new radically progressive (for an American) aggressively atheist self.
*Sigh* I'm socially awkward enough without your help, Facebook.
VHS/Shady Daves/Weathervane.
July 22, 2016
Sad postscript to my VHS/VCR story.
As a teenager, every other week or so, I and my parents and grandmother would go to this giant indoor flea market called Shady Dave's.
I'd buy a stack of comic books, and a stack of VHS movies, then, we'd go to a seafood restaurant called Weathervane.
That was our thing.
Well, Shady Dave's is gone, VHS is gone, my grandmother is dead, and now I just found out Weathervane is gone.
There's one left in Kittery, but all the others are in New Hampshire.
Now, all that's left of that time is memory.
WTF? The Weathervane by the mall was always packed, what happened?
Dammit.
Time marches on, I suppose. It'll happen to you, kiddies.
And it comes faster than you think.
Don't cry because it's over.
Smile because it happened.
Depression flareup.
July 22, 2014
Gone years without a depression flareup.
Just had a flicker of it.
Lasted about 45 minutes.
Typical "nobody loves me, woe is me", shit.
Beat it back by saying to myself "yeah, and you've no one to blame but yourself. You've still got a roof over your head, electricity, and internet, and *mental gesture to wall of Jade-Shade/Harry art* you made all that happen with your fucking mind. Stop it with the first world problems, and get out of bed, you sonovabitch. Up! Up!! UUUP!!".
Still lingering after-effects, but getting better.
Pulled myself loose of it before it became a full on vortex.
Yeah, I think I had one of those yesterday.
I tried and failed miserably to "save the day", and it bruised my ego, and nothing I like to do cheered me up, or pulled me out of it.
Like I said in the intro to part 9, I should have just minded my own damned business.
Gotta keep my mind on the right goals.
Comicon cumming.
July 22, 2017
Excuse the metaphor, but you know how after you've cum, you need to leave your dick alone, cuz the nerves get all sensitive, and it feels like you're being electrocuted?
Comic-Con this year is like that.
No more, Comic-Con. I'm all cummed out.
Leave my dick alone.
I can't take anymore.
You pump or suck it anymore, I'll have a seizure.
Just stop now, Comic-Con. I can't even right now.
And the update...
July 22, 2020
Man, were these ever the good old days...
Obviously I mean how it was all digital this year, and so much was up in the air cuz of the fucking plague fucking up productions and releases.
Don't cry because it's over.
Smile because it happened.
Martyrs dissection.
July 22, 2013.
"Martyrs", (2008 film) sucks.
Especially if you're a critical thinker.
It offends your sense of reason.
Avoid.
Eh, the violence was done well, but...my analytical side kept asking things like "how does this conspiracy have so many members? How do you let that sort of thing out of the bag to potential recruits? It's not like you can advertise on Craigslist. Where did they get the workforce to build this underground torture chamber? Where did they get the raw materials without raising questions? Where did they get this custom dungeon equipment? All of this requires more and more people you have to let in on the conspiracy, and more potential people to blab. Wouldn't they have to kill all those people to shut them up? Wouldn't all those disappearing people raise suspicion? And...do none of these morons read science articles? This whole near-death load of bullshit can be replicated with brain stimulation. They've known about it since...well, when their dumb conspiracy would have started, around the 90's. No one brought this up? They're aping science, why turn around and reject it? Okay, religious morons, I know, but still...", and so forth.
And, if the only way down was that retracting ladder, how did they get that dinner cart thing down there?
How did they drag unconscious people down there?
You need your hands for the fucking ladder.
My cousin recommended this to me, and he believes in conspiracy theories, so no wonder it scared the shit out of him.
After 12 years, I gotta finally link this to my old review of Martyrs.
Memories in mice.
July 26, 2013
So, they've implanted false memories into a mouse.
They've done it.
If life wasn't meaningless before (it is, btw) it certainly is now.
This technology WILL become available to humans, for humans, and when it does, real life will become like those fucking people that buy accomplishments on Farmville.
People will buy happy memories, will buy instantly downloaded skills, everything will have a price tag, reality will have paywalls, and pirates, and real experience will become extinct.
People who really accomplished things will become obsolete, and laughed at.
Whole identities will be up for grabs like a free app.
And if your mind violates copyright?
They'll take it back, and you'll be a vegetable.
It's going to be loads of laughs for a sickie like me.
(Sings to the tune of "strangers in the night")
Memories in the miiice!
What were the chances?
Memories in the miiiice!
No second glances!
Memories in the miiiice!
Before the night is throooouugh!
Perdue pharma cartoon.
July 28, 2019
(Reacting to this...)
Something I just doodled on a message board.
I'm a bit rusty, but it gets the thought across.
Perdue has had to pay out billions to victims, so that's something.
I wish the Sacklers were made destitute though.
They need to miss some meals, and maybe eat garbage for what they've done to humanity.
Too hot for porn.
July 28, 2016
Blah, too hot and humid even for porn.
How depressing.
Going to bed.
2016 was a year that just kept delivering punishment.
But it was only warm-up for 2020.
Vampire theology.
July 28, 2014
Vampire theology time:
If you have to have faith in the cross for a cross to repel/burn a vampire, but sunlight can also burn a vampire...does that mean that the sun is a big ball of faith?
And if so, why doesn't Yahweh just feed off the sun, instead of scrounging for the thin little trickle he gets from tiny monkeys on the little blue dust speck?
Because religion is fake, and vampires can do whatever they want.
Just like lesbians (see Lily Cade).
My hackiest standup comedian style joke ever.
July 28, 2014
If you can't say "bomb", on a plane, how can you possibly describe the in-flight movies?
Guess you're just supposed to sit back, and take it.
Pussy horror fans.
July 28, 2013
It's a helluva thing, when I go to a board with what are ostensibly supposed to be HORROR fans, and even THEY don't appreciate my particular form of dark humor.
My instincts tell me these people are constipated hypocrites...but maybe it IS me...I dunno.
No, they were lame.
It was the Freddy Krueger board I tried to be a part of.
The subject was a series of R rated movies, but they wanted you to be G rated.
Fuck people like that.
Damn, has it been that long ago already?
Interquels.
July 28, 2012
So, factoid of the day.
Gap-filler stories are now officially known as "interquels".
I've been calling them "in-between-quels", all this time.
Well...all right then. "Interquel", is better.
Thanks for taking 40 years to get on that, Hollywood/TV/novelists.
And the update...
July 28, 2017
It annoys me slightly that "Rogue One", wasn't pitched as an interquel.
That's exactly the type of film where the term would've come in handy.
And the other update...
July 28, 2019
Nope, "interquel", didn't stick.
What they seem to have decided on is to say long-form what films a new movie fits between (for example, the Black Widow standalone is going to be between "Civil War", and "Infinity War").
Then the author of the particular article will decide on their own whether to call it "an 'Infinity War', prequel", or "a 'Civil War', sequel", or the more vague but technically correct "Black Widow prequel". There's got to be a better universal system.
L.L. Bean & Stephen King Land!!
July 28, 2020
I just killed an L.L. Bean ad in my feed.
If you're a Mainer, everyone assumes you worship at L.L. Bean like it's a church.
Nope, I'm a nerd.
I don't need a pair of their magical indestructible boots to go shlorping through a swamp to kill moose with.
Maine really shoves L.L. Bean down your throat, especially if you're a tourist, cuz our tourism board wants to get that "rugged outdoorsman", dollar.
Hey, we've got Stephen King.
You can be an outdoorsy guy, or a nerd hermit, and like Stephen King equally.
That should be Maine's tourism identity, not this duck & deer hunting shit.
Get King to endorse the bloodiest Halloween hayride ever, and make that our Disneyworld.
There you go, that advice is free, Maine.
Run with it.
I won't sue.
And the addendum...
Now my mental gears are spinning away.
Screw hayride, do a whole Stephen King Land!
Have the actual Overlook Hotel reproduced that you can stay in!
Have a miniature Castle Rock and Derry!
Have performers running around being the human characters from Misery, and Stand By Me, and Delores Claiborn, etc, etc.
Have all the monster characters be in the haunted house ride.
Oh my god!
And the other addendum...
Have a jail for Shawshank & Green Mile!
"I try so hard to be good 😢".
July 29, 2018
When my depressions would beat up on me, one of the tricks it would play, is to get me to blame myself for everything under the sun, and chant "I try so hard to be good, I try so hard to be good 🙁", in my head.
Every now and then, it still tries to come back.
I finally fucking realized, there's two different versions of "good", my head was mashing together into one.
One, what my heart and conscience told me was good.
The other, what would get people to stop nitpicking, and sneering, and yelling, and looking down their nose.
You can never reconcile those two.
Especially if you're surrounded by assholes.
And the way you can tell you're surrounded by assholes, is if you're curled up in the fetal position in bed repeating "I try so hard to be good 🙁", in your fucking head.
Something has gone wrong when that happens.
Again, it's two things, not one, and you can't reconcile them.
Either you'll do everything to please the mouth breathers, and violate your conscience, or follow your conscience, and piss off the mouth breathers.
You're going to hate yourself either fucking way.
So you have to tear up and throw away pleasing the mouth breathers.
Free yourself from it.
Chuck it.
Burn it.
Burn it the fuck out.
You'll die if you don't.
Hope this is helpful to someone somewhere someday.
Yeah, I totally fell into one of those yesterday.
Fuck people-pleasing.
I have to just keep myself sane.
Survivor.
August 2, 2013
"Survivor", has been on for 13 fucking years, and no one has died.
Kinda makes the title meaningless, doesn't it?
Next season, I say, lose a challenge, get murdered.
Better yet, drop MOABs on the island.
Anyone crawls out of that is a real fucking survivor.
Now we're up to 20 years of that empty hollow bullshit.
Cuz that's how Americans like their bullshit.
Empty and hollow.
Like the hollow heads that rest under the shade of a MAGA hat.
And...I'M DONE!!
Hooray!!
Done with this sub-category.
I've got one more to go....
I'll do it tomorrow.
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