Pissed my stupid day away, and felt rotten ever since.
That'll teach me to walk away from my computer ever.
Life is garbage.
Anyhoo! Back to these!!
"Sucked".
June 20, 2014
Isn't it odd that we say a bad movie or show "sucked"?
I know if a movie suddenly came to life, and started to fellate me, it would suddenly be my favorite film. Even if it starred J-Lo.
Eye contact.
June 20, 2015
I got a lot of shit as a kid from counselors for not holding eye contact with people.
Now, I think everyone's just given up.
Good.
What an annoyance that shit was.
Okay, here's why I'm not a big eye contact person.
It's not dishonesty, or disinterest.
It's creepy.
It's like the other person is trying to probe into my mind.
Mind your own damned business.
Bad enough I can probe into you against my will for all your dumb biases and superstitions.
Also, faces are creepy when you think about it.
You've got two direct protuberances of the central nervous system sticking right out there, you've got a pipe to the shit factory surrounded by food crushing bony protuberances, and then there's two booger holes.
All hanging right out there for everyone to browse.
Like I need to aim my cameras at that for a whole half hour.
I missed my calling in marketing.
June 22, 2016
To all the British dudes out there, vote "remain", and you'll get trembling pulsing blue steel erections like you had in high school.
That's a thing that will happen.
Seriously.
And the update...
June 22, 2017
See? I should have been running the real campaign.
Sneeze noises.
June 23, 2013
Have you ever known anyone who actually makes the "achoo!", sound when they sneeze?
I go "unng-tzu!!", and the cats go "sneh!".
Gardening tip.
June 26, 2017
Gardening tip, don't roast gypsy moth caterpillar nests with a grill lighter.
I know you're tempted, but don't.
It smells like burnt hair, and toasted marshmallows, and even after the smell finally leaves your yard and nostrils, you'll remember it forever.
BBC.
June 26, 2018
So, the Brits don't know what "BBC", means on urban dictionary, do they?
Let's not tell them.
Let's never tell them.
We'll just giggle into our hands like schoolgirls.
If they ask what we're laughing about, we'll just say it's because their accents are so adorable.
Jareth figure.
June 27, 2019
(Reacting to this...)
A shame all my cousins have outgrown toy play.
I'd get this, and have it at the ready, and whatever story they're acting out with their figures, I plunk Jereth down in there, and make him softly sing "as the world falls down", and just fuck up the whole rhythm of whatever it was they were doing.
Oh, they would have hated my guts.
It would've been hilarious though, and therefore totally worth it.
Indestructible eyes.
June 27, 2019
(Reacting to this...)
Shoot for the eyes.
Even if it turns out their eyes are also indestructible, ever get a gnat in your eye?
You ain't gonna be seeing for awhile.
Even if bullets equal gnats to an indestructible monster/villain, you're buying yourself some time for the kryptonite to show up.
Slimer comes from coke.
June 27, 2018
The guy who sculpted Slimer says he was on a coke binge to make him able to work long hours, and he saw the ghost of John Belushi who gave him pointers as he worked.
So just say no, kids.
Or else you'll meet John Belushi, and create a cultural icon that becomes a children's cartoon, and is remembered 35 years later, and still has toys made of it.
Boraxo!
June 27, 2018
Tip for germ-aphobes, and just plain clean freaks.
There's nothing in the human body that'll stick to you as hard as motor oil or pine pitch, and Boraxo soap gets both of those off.
So if you're paranoid you've got somethin' nasty on ya, rather than washing yourself raw with the sissy bar soap, just bump up to the Boraxo.
You can go further than that to the Tough Nut shit they use to get roofing tar off yah, but that's just crazy.
Grey hairs.
June 27, 2014
Tch, white hair in my left sideburn.
Well, y'know, I watched the baby-boomers age un-gracefully with their hair dyes, and face lifts, and botox, and lipo, and bullshit herbal creams, and I really don't want to end up like those sad fucking people.
So, fuck it.
I'm getting old.
Oh, well.
Assholes and bitches.
June 28, 2015
I'm currently operating under the theory that most if not all assholes and bitches are just suffering from serotonin deficiency.
I'm trying to devise a super-villainous way to dispense a street dose of ketamine to the whole population to test this theory.
Oh, yeah, I gotta get back to that scheme.
Although, the MAGA crowd seems to get their happy chemicals being cruel bigots.
So, maybe I gotta find a way to make them so depressed, they stay in bed all day.
Fish crotch.
June 28, 2013
Well, the ad wizards have invented another bit of inspired madness.
From the minds that brought you blue liquid representing both urine, and period...
Now, somehow, a woman wearing Groucho nose glasses represent fish crotch.
Thank you, advertising, I'll be playing with that metaphor in my mind all day now.
And the update...
June 28, 2019
This had potential, a shame it didn't take off.
I'm still waiting for them to use blueberry yogurt for shit.
And, there's that batch.
Next time, the last batch of these.
Well, not EVER,...until it fills up again, but you know....
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