Weird/humor/musing stuff, Part 11.

Shit, these have been accumulating since last summer.

Time to unload a batch!

Expendables 3.

August 7, 2014

Expendables 3. 

You know, deep down, in your most primal core, your deepest animal essence, you want to see that scene. 

The scene we all have in our hidden mental hard drive, of Mel Gibson, running from an explosion on top of a building, jumping off the building, falling in slow motion, the camera impossibly zooms in on his face, as his lips (again, in slow motion) form the word "JJJJeeeeewwwsssss!!!!". 

You know you want it, you know you expect it, you know it won't be there, and you know you'll feel empty inside when you don't see it. 

But, you'll look for it anyway, won't you? 

Yes, you will.

Twelve dollars!

August 7, 2020

Just got an e-mail saying that I could join in on a class-action lawsuit against Google Plus, and if I do, I could be rolling in 12 whole dollars! 

*Laughs* I make sextuple that taking stupid bottles to the recycler. 

Even I wipe my hobo ass on 12 dollars.

American Dr. Who.

August 8, 2016

If Superman can be British, then Dr. Who can be American, and I'm your guy. 

I can fiddle with props and spout technobabble with the best of them. 

Ssss, shit, there's no following Capaldi though, is there? 

I could have followed Matt Smith, he was a dweeb. 

Okay, it'll take a decade to burn off Capaldi, I'll be ready in my 50's. 

Gimme a call then.

Sawk eet.

August 8, 2012

Romance tip for the day. 

Men, try sneaking up behind your partner when she's sitting on the couch, put your (erect) penis on her shoulder, and in a scary voice, growl "SAWWWWK EEEET!!!!!", when she turns her head, it'll be right in her line of sight. 

If all goes well, she'll find this charming, and adorable.

And the comments...

Max- I am going to guess that doesn't really work.....

Me- Shh, quiet..

And the update..

August 8, 2018.

Drats, no Disney contract for me. 

A shame, my live-action remake of "The Black Cauldron", would have been epic.

For future generations, that was a James Gunn reference.

Gotta say, Harvey Weinstein's predatory antics have taken all the joy and frivolity out of adorable pee-pee shenanigans.

This is why we can't have nice things.

Racial bias and telemarketing scams.

August 9, 2018

We got one of those telemarketer scams where a female robot says they're Microsoft, and they've been monitoring your internet activity, and you're being hacked, and blah blah blah. 

Dad was genuinely scared of this shit, and made me listen to it. 

I tried to explain the technical details of why this is isn't how computers work, or how Microsoft does business, or how phones work, or...then I finally just said "it's the same scam as the Indian guy, it doesn't become real when a white person does it". 

He didn't like that. 

Tough. 

Idjit.

Youporn's pesky menu system.

August 9, 2012

Look, Youporn, when I click the "straight", tab, and then "threesomes", why would you assume it's okay to throw "shemales", into that mix? 

What did I just tell you? 

What are you not getting?

And the addenda...

Also, the dialog and lighting are terrible. And why so many German ones?

And sometimes, I'd like to see something lovely, and sweet, and tender, with a black girl in it, but no, all the black girl movies have them doing something unspeakable, and icky. 

What's up with that? 

Are you racist, porn? 

Say it ain't so.

Also, there seems to be a missing backstory to a lot of these features. 

How am I supposed to CARE about these people?

If I were a mind reader.

August 10, 2018

Y'know, I've said a lot of times "I'm not a mind reader", but I've come to the conclusion that even if I WERE a  mind reader, I'd transmit to the person "say it with your mouth, or it doesn't get done, asshole/bitch". 

I'm that fed up with people.

The lie of American meritocracy.

August 10, 2014

I've always been suspicious and skeptical of the notion that competition really selects out the superior performer. 

In America, this is just accepted as a given, indeed a holy writ. 

I'm sorry, I just don't see it. 

It doesn't match up to real life at all. 

There are so many ways to cheat, so much riding on competition to motivate the cheating, so many ways dumb luck can come into play, so many ways biological luck can come into play, etc, etc, almost into infinity. 

And we see it in the world the competitions have made. 

Look at all the shitty movies. 

Were those REALLY the best screenplays available? 

Really? 

How about all the asshole celebrities everyone loves to hate? 

Were those REALLY the best singers and actors? 

Bullshit. 

How about Coke vs. Pepsi? 

Is either of those REALLY the best beverage? 

How about if you took their subsidized corn syrup away? 

How about if you go back in time, and take Coke's US Army contract away? 

How about if you go further back in time, and take Coke's COCAINE away? 

Hmm? 

In daily existence we know the proposition falls apart. 

YET, when it comes to sports, we act like the winners of those are superior beings down to the quantum fabric of their existence, and the losers are failures in the deepest quantum fabric of their existence, and the FANS of the teams are somehow mystically "better", or "losers". 

And then we take this sports bullshit, and apply it to everyday people with this "winners", and "losers", language. 

The only competition that ever made sense to me in picking  a real winner, is blood-sport. 

A living being is clearly superior to a corpse. 

You can argue over how the competitors got there, but you can't argue over the results. 

And the loser, his problems are all over. 

The embrace of the grave has muffled the razzing of his so-called friends. 

Blood-sport is the purest idea a human ever had. 

It needs to come back.

And the update...

August 10, 2020

Trump. 

That's it. 

That's the end of the math problem of that "winner loser", philosophy. 

Trump. 

The end. 

Next idea, please.

Windows update.

August 13, 2014

Virus writers have nothing on Windows Update. 

The download is a bandwidth hog, the app is a memory hog, it turns your whole browsing/computing experience into a trudge through sticky mud. 

No matter how many gigahertz of processor, and megs/gigs of RAM you're packing, your system may as well be an Atari 400 with a 1200 baud dialup modem.  

Microsoft has bought off the greatest hackers on Earth, and assembled them into a Legion Of Doom.

Cat toy idea.

August 13, 2014

Cat toy idea: Cat sized headphones with a little box on each side to put a cricket in.

Know it all.

August 14, 2014

I always kind of thought it was yet another indicator of America's hatred of intelligence that "know it all", was ever used as a derogatory term. 

I don't know about you, but I literally want to know it all. 

Give me a computer the size of a Death Star, and a data port on the base of my spine, and dammit, I'll try to download that sumbitch even at the risk of splattering my head. 

I want it all. 

I. Want. It. ALL.

No emotion chips, please

August 14, 2012

After research, I have come to the honest conclusion that giving robots emotion chips would be an absolute fucking disaster. 

They'd just do all the irrational stupid shit humans have done. 

Like inventing religion, politics, and business. 

And awards shows. 

This is the one area of technology where I'm a complete Luddite.

Ugh, can you imagine when robots start making their own conservative talk radio shows?

That's how you'll really know we're fucking doomed.

No pity for Nazis.

August 16, 2017

This has been bugging me. I haven't been the biggest hit with the ladies, howcome I didn't become a misogynist? 

I haven't been lighting the world on fire when it comes to the game of capitalism, howcome I never robbed a liquor store, or stole a credit card? 

The people who abused me most, and left the nastiest scars on my heart and psyche were more towards the liberal end of the spectrum, so howcome that didn't swing me toward the right? 

And all of the above used to hurl me into depressions where I literally couldn't get myself moving out of bed, howcome I didn't drink the gleaming pulsing elixir of blaming my shit on minorities? 

I keep seeing it pop up that we have to try to understand these Trump voters, and internet trolls, and now alt-right Nazis as these poor put upon victims, and picked on losers. 

Well, muthafucka, here I am, and I didn't turn into a fucking monster. 

No one gave me a free fucking pass to be a shitheel. 

I would have thrown it in your face if you'd offered it to me. 

What made me different? 

Did a magic meteor land near my house when I was in the womb? 

Did saucer men zap me with a ray in my sleep? 

I ate the same shit sandwiches as these dimwits, I "fit the profile", so why did they gleefully dive into the stupid tank, and not me? 

I dunno, but the excuses irk me. 

And whatever's in me that causes that irk might be the answer to the same question.

And the update...

August 16, 2017

Still relevant. 

Although, I'm finally seeing more people get fed up, and less people trying to hug the Nazi out of these fuckheads. 

It's a slow shift, but I'm seeing it happening.

Yeah, but Biden is extolling us to hug these fuckers.

No, Joe.

No.

As for "what was it in me.." not being a dumb cowardly weakling like them.

You were never one of them, past-me.

I dunno if I'm/you're a mutant, or an implanted alien baby, but you were never one of them, and that's a good thing.

Revel in the liberation.

The Aurora shooter for the View.

August 16, 2013

I think the new co-host for "The View", should be the Aurora shooter. 

Hey, first of all, it's "The View", and he's got a different point of view. 

They seem to be big on that. 

Second, I bet he has less blood on his hands than the anti-vax movement. 

Someone do a corpse count, I bet I'm right. 

Thirdly, he'd be less of a phony than some ditzy celebrity. 

One thing spree killers are is sincere. 

I like that in a television personality. 

It's so rare.

And the update...

August 16, 2016

Given we can now look back on the Jenny McCarthy run, I'd say I was spot on.

And the second update..

August 16, 2017

I said this in jest to piss in Jenny McCarthy's face, but in today's political climate, you could probably hook this scenario up.

And the third update...

August 16, 2020

Corona has REALLY jacked up the kill count for the anti-vax movement. Jenny wins.

Half a million and counting.

Should have had the spree killer.

"The View" won't talk about having Jenny on the same way Subway won't talk about Jared.

Ya babies.

August 17, 2016

To anyone I ever offended. I was being absolutely hilarious, and you're the one with the problem.

Octavio.

August 20, 2012

So...watching "Scarface", on AMC, and had the exact same thought as when I saw it at 8 years old. 

WTF was up with Octavio??? 

Y'know, the clown guy with the weird paper-mache looking mask dancing to "strangers in the night". 

Was that supposed to be funny? 

Kids seeing it today probably think "people were easy to amuse in the 80's", but no, it didn't make any fucking sense then either, dammit! 

Also, Richard Belzer's standup set was fucking horrible. 

Dammit, you're being immortalized on film, try harder, schmuck. 

Bring your A game. 

Fucking DePalma.

And the update...

August 20, 2018

Octavio needs to be in the remake. 

Generation-Z needs to be as confused and nightmare-riddled as I was.

My magical wish.

August 23, 2018

If I could have a magical birthday candle wish come true, it would be for everyone who owns a copy of "Red Dawn", un-ironically to use it as a suicide implement.

King me!!!!!

August, 2015

Look, all I want out of either a message board argument, or a FB comment thread is "you did it, Mike, you're the funniest man in the world, and you've won the internet". 

Why is that so hard? 

Why is it like pulling teeth? 

Ah, well, I'll keep plugging away at it.

Joan Jett's a sellout.

August 26, 2019

Am I the only one who sees Joan Jett hanging out with country artists, and starts thinking "what the fuck are you doing???"? 

The artists might be innocent, but country is the soundtrack to all the Kentucky fried bubba bullshit her style of music was the middle finger to. 

It'd be like if when I turned 60, I started writing episodes of "Veggie Tales". 

BTW, if I ever do that, chop my arms off with a machete.

Mmmm, funeral-icious!

August 26, 2016

Okay, I finally figured out my funeral wishes. I want to be simmered in a big kettle of bubbling hot apple pie filling until I'm sweet and delicious, and the meat crumbles off the bone, then you've all gotta eat some of me. 

You vegans don't get off. 

You don't have to eat the meat, but you've gotta have some of the apples.

My logic at the time was "apple pie makes everything better".

Going by the awkward silences, I guess I was wrong.

Go figure.

Fuck you, school counselors.

August 31, 2014

*Flipping through my old school files* 

Huh. 

I made it to 39 without "a psychotic break". 

Guess I'm out of the woods. 

How did these fucking quacks sleep at night? 

I hope they all have Crohns bad enough to be Oxy addicts. 

*Hocks loogie into the file, folds it neatly into a snot taco, chucks it in trash*

And the update...

August 31, 2020

Yeah, I wasn't kidding about them branding me a possible psycho. 

But the little Republican shit reading Rush Limbaugh books for fun, they couldn't polish his helmet shiny enough. 

Bet if he'd shot up the school, they'd've given him a medal at assembly.

Given the huggy-kissy treatment that little racist psycho-killer Kyle Rittenhouse got, fuck yeah, they would have.

Can I Nostradamus this shit, or what?

80's diner

September 1, 2015

For 2015, I don't want hoverboards, or fusion dumpsters, or even holographic Jaws. 

I want that fucking 80's nostalgia café.

And the update...

September 1, 2020

Hell yeah. 

The 80's are way older now than the 50's were then. 

Let's see that shit!

A nostalgia café, yes. 

A time machine to the actual decade? Fuck no.

All In The Family 2020. 

September 6, 2020

Am I the only one who watches "All In The Family", reruns, and imagines stepping through a time porthole into the show, and saying to Mike "ahhh, yeah, that's cute that you boomers think Nixon is the worst president. You're like adorable little babies to me at this age. Anyway *shows him clips if Trump on a laptop* ain't that somethin? So, yeah, all of that happens. Now here's a syringe full of poison. Kill Archie. Do it now". 

Well, am I? 

Just me?

And that was before covid!!

A couple thousand dead bigot grandpas in the 70's to save half a million future lives?

Good tradeoff to me.

Lawrence Welk!

September 13, 2015 

When I was a kid "The Incredible Hulk", was on opposite "The Lawrence Welk Show", and every fucking week for Hulk's entire 4.5 year run, my parents taunted me with the possibility of being forced to watch Lawrence Welk instead. 

I thought it stopped being funny after the 10th time, and started pitching a fit. 

That encouraged them to do it even more. 

Now I look at reruns of Welk on PBS, and think "poor Lawrence Welk, he never asked to be the instrument of psychological abuse".

It's always Lawrence Welk that suffers the most.

Learn by bombing, kids.

September 13, 2016

One thing I'm not a dick about, is little kids telling horrible jokes. 

Because I used to be that kid. 

All you kids out there telling crappy jokes, keep plugging away at it. 

Don't let the eye rolls, head shakes, teeth hisses, and the vibe like you shit all over everyone's Christmas presents deter you. 

Even George Carlin got heckled. 

It's part of the job, and part of your evolution. 

If my dumb ass could get good, so can you. 

And if you're the unsupportive parent of one of these kids *back hand*. 

Yeah, who's crying now?

Rudolph 2 (Rudolph 1)

September 13, 2014

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer never sat well with me. 

As a song, and a show. 

First of all, skip ahead to the Island Of Misfit Toys. 

If the Misfit Toys were unlovable, why were they created that way? 

Toys don't hatch from eggs, they're built by elves. 

We see the process in the fucking show. 

Who was this drunken asshole elf making fucked up toys, and why wasn't his ass fired? 

And if his ass was fired, why doesn't Herbie bump into him out in the wastelands? 

Did he die? 

Did Santa let the dude fucking DIE?? 

Secondly, what kind of bigoted asshole is Santa? 

If the toys are sentient beings, then regardless of their body shapes, they're people. 

This is a race of people Santa has segregated due to their looks. 

Santa is never called out on this. 

Thirdly, at the end of the show, the Misfit Toys get happy homes, so they WERE lovable. 

Not only were they lovable, they were adopted off rather effortlessly in comparison to the "normal", toys. 

Santa is not only a bigot, but a cognitively dissonant bigot. 

Now, let's rewind to the beginning, and the core story of Rudolph himself, in both the song and the show. 

Rudolph is picked on all his life, demonstrates a talent that was formerly treated as a handicap, saves the day, and "then all the Reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee". 

Let me ask you something, folks. 

Did you have bullies, or abusive parents, and did they turn around, and give you one "attaboy/attagirl", and did that fix everything? 

I'm betting it didn't. 

Wouldn't for me. 

I'd pull the sleigh for the kids, but the other reindeer, and Klan-Santa could kiss my ass. 

But, the song/show tells us we should be overjoyed to be accepted into the hive after it mistreated us. 

Um, no. 

Fuck off. 

And wonder why generations of outcast kids seek approval from bad bully cliques. 

They got it from singing fucking Rudolph. 

We need a new song. 

Mike the self-respect reindeer, or something.

And the update...

September 13, 2018

Hmm, needs a...not a sequel, a...whatever "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead", is called. 

A beside-quel? 

Yeah, a beside-quel with a Mike reindeer commenting on the Rudolph story as it unfolds.

My own neck tries to kill me.

September 23, 2019

Ever have the thing where you yawn and stretch at the same time wrong, and your throat suddenly feels like you're being strangled, and you have to grab your Adam's apple area, and wiggle it back and forth until it makes a crunching sound for it to pop out of it? 

Just to me? 

Hmm... 

Happens about once a year. 

Good thing I figured out the trick to it, or I'd be dead.

How to make friends.

(Reacting to the IFL Science article "17 Psychological Tricks To Make People Like You Immediately")

September 23, 2016

I just run up, clutch the person by the face, ram my thumbs into the tender nerve spots around the eye sockets, and scream "oooopeeeen yoourrr heeeaaaarrt!!!!". 

Works every time.

Pen cutlery.

(Reacting to this...)

September 23, 2013

Finally!

I still need a set of these to enter my life.

I could be president. And a good one!

September 25, 2020

Y'know what's an uplifting thought that gives me a heroin shot to the self-esteem? 

I could be a better president than Donald Trump. 

We all could. 

To all you depressives out there, when the little shoulder demon is telling you how worthless you are, say back to it "fuck you, I could be president, and I'd do a pretty damned good job". 

All our lives we've had it beaten over our heads, like a metal lunchbox with a brick inside, that president was this elite thing that's out of our reach. 

Nope, it's out of our reach because of money and connections. 

Genie poof any of us into that chair, we could do it. 

And better than Trump. 

You could literally goof off like King Ralph, and do better than Trump.

On despair. 

September 27, 2017

Always fight against despair. 

Despair is the enemy. 

Despair only benefits predators. 

And the sorts of predators that feed on despair will do a lot of horrible shit to you for a very long time before they finally get bored, and let you die. 

Despair isn't self-contained within you. 

It's your power being drained away to another. 

Keep that fucking valve closed off.

Human pets.

September 28, 2017

"Boyfriend", and "girlfriend", are teenage words that shouldn't be uttered by people past the age of 24. 

There needs to be a better term. 

"Human pet that I'm legally allowed to bang", is scientifically accurate, but a bit too cumbersome. 

"Lover", is just gross. 

It makes me think of Rachel Dratch and Will Ferrel in a hot tub eating ham. 

I'll keep working on it.

Facebook douchbags (Facebags?)

October 3, 2017

Whenever I run into a douchebag on Facebook, and I'm kicking their ass in arguments, without insulting, without even cursing (for a change), they always check out my wall, and make shitty comments that I'm into Star Wars, and act like that invalidates me as a person. 

Its up to double digits now this has happened. 

Is there an asshole manual that gets handed around, or is this a pathology thing?

Dahmer vs Jolie.

October 4, 2014

I've seen the 1993 Jeffrey Dahmer movie, and the 2002 Jeffrey Dahmer movie with Jeremy Renner. 

And after two consecutive movies of Dahmer describing what went on in his head...and comparing that to Angelina Jolie describing her brand of crazy on "Inside The Actor's Studio", I've come to the conclusion that the only thing that kept body parts out of her fridge, is money. 

She's a millionaire, and can afford the therapy and pills. 

If Dahmer had been rich, he'd've been okay. 

It really is that simple.

...now I want to see Jolie bee a female cannibal serial killer.

In a movie!

In a movie...yes...a movie...

Alienation.

October 6, 2010

Feels alienated from the whole planet....

And the update...

October 8, 2018

Cheer up, snookums, now that everyone in the USA and UK found out in 2016 how many secret Nazis are in their own shitty families, and how the system they believed in can turn into a rabid dog on a dime, your escape ark is suddenly crowded with people who can relate.

And this was before the fucking capital raid!!

World peace.

October 7, 2014

If I had one magic wish, it wouldn't be for world peace, or the cure for cancer. 

It would be to grow my dick to the size of a redwood, and to cum all over everybody. 

Because I think that would accomplish those first two wishes. 

It'd be a three-fer. 

I'm a nice guy like that.

Shit, maybe my game isn't as bad as I thought...

October 7, 2017

All my life, I thought "well, I just don't have game, that's that", but between Donald Trump grabbing crotches, and Harvey Weinstein jerking off into potted plants in front of women, shit, maybe my turd of a personality isn't as bad as I thought. 

I mean, I'm awkward and clueless, but these guys are fucking meatheads. 

Guess I just need to get rich.

Stupid people are stupid to the last breath.

October 8, 2012

...y'know, sometimes, I think asking people to stop being stupid, is like asking them to stop breathing. 

Not only can they not do it, they get just as indignant.

Fucking QAnon!

People have lost their families over that shit!

They'd literally rather die than give that shit up.

I wish they'd hurry up.

Scaredy-cat Youtubers.

October 9, 2020

Ugh, look, Youtubers, if you're uncomfortable with your physical appearance, or you have some job reason to hide your identity, just talk over a slideshow. 

I never again want to see masks, chat filters, cartoon characters, or puppets. 

I see that bullshit, I click away. 

You could turn out to have the recipe for the cancer cure, and I'm gonna miss it. 

Cuz you whipped out a fucking puppet. 

The 00's and 10's are over. 

Put that shit away.

They're called "rant-sonas" and the right-wing has ruined this shit.

Especially Doomcock who's a flat out exposed Nazi.

Public child abuse.

October 11, 2020

Hey, y'know what I haven't seen in a helluva while? 

Public child abuse at the grocery store. 

Were the boomers the last one to carry that tradition, or what? 

No...there were some straggler X-er parents. 

Now that it's millennial parents...no child abuse. 

Go figure. 

Remember that though? 

The mom would blast the kid on the ass so hard, it would lift him off his legs, and he'd shriek on the floor with his tongue hanging out, and grown adults would laugh and point, and the mom would be like "see!?!? They're all laughing at us, you little piece of shit, are you happy!?!?!". 

It was a whole show. 

Now all you can hope for is breakfast burrito samples. 

Tsk...

On body swapping...

October 11, 2018

If I body-swapped with someone, I'd have to write them an instruction manual for my body that would give them PTSD.

Football sucks.

October 12, 2014

Ohhh, I hate football. 

Nothing about it works for me. 

I hate the phony awful voices the announcers put on, the game is as boring as shit, I can't make myself forget the players are steroid monsters with brain damage, I hate all the loud drunks in the stands, I hate all the corporate demons and mafioso that suckle off it, there's just nothing there for me to connect to on any level. 

Every soundwave and lightwave that comes out of it is a torture to me. 

But now, all of a sudden, in the last couple years or so, my folks have this weird thing where they pretend to care when the Patriots are playing. 

Watch it year round, or don't watch it, don't play this bullshit. 

Jayzus Kee-rist. 

And so fucking what about the Patriots? 

First of all, all of New England gets one stinking team? 

Oh, thanks, NFL, could you spare it? 

Thaaaanks. 

Second, I don't care if they made a fucking team called the Michael Meggisons. 

I still wouldn't fucking watch. 

Mmmkay? 

If it weren't for the goddamned Patriots, I could sidestep this cultural abomination entirely. 

Ugh.

The 80's 1.

October 12, 2020

So, it's 80's night on "Dancing With The Stars", and that got my gears turning, so here's my thing on the 80's. 

Millennials, gen-zers, pay heed. 

The movies were awesome, the music was awesome, the clothes were cool, the cartoons and toys were awesome, we all knew it was magical as it was happening. 

BUT...I don't miss Ronald Reagan, or the arms race, or AIDS-phobia, or the Satanic Panic, or marital rape not being considered a thing. 

I wouldn't go back in a time machine. 

The 80's nostalgia you kids get to have is better than the real 80's. 

Enjoy. 

Don't envy us.

The 80's 2.

November 7, 2013

I wish I could go back to the 80's, and have subscriptions to Omni, Heavy Metal, Fangoria, and Gore Zone. 

What majestic times.

And the update...

November 7, 2020

Nah. 

Like I said before, time travel to the 80's isn't worth Reagan, and the cultural climate that allowed for casual homophobia and misogyny. 

The Projection Booth Podcast is better than all those silly old magazines combined anyway.

Superman and booze.

October 15, 2013

Random geek thought...how can Superman be immune to poison, but not immune to booze?

The Richard Pryor Kryptonite.

What the bleep do we know?

October 15, 2014

I couldn't stand the curiosity anymore. I'm watching "what the bleep do we know?". I can tell right away I'm going to be pausing to snark at the screen a LOT.

And the update...

October 15, 2016

Yes "What The Bleep Do We Know?", is flaming garbage. 

So much so, I struggle over Trump calling Marlee Matlin "retarded". 

On the one hand, he's ableist trash on top of being every other kind of -ist, on the other hand...damn, she was in "What The Bleep Do We Know?".

Trump calling her names is probably all that kept her out of fucking QAnon.

I don't hate The Matrix anymore.

October 15, 2013

Just saw "Existenz". 

Way better than "The Matrix", and "Funky Forest", stole every visual idea from it. 

I hate "The Matrix", and it's hype machine, and ass-kissers even more now. 

I didn't think such a thing were possible.

And the update...

October 15, 2020

I like The Matrix way better now that I know it's a coded trans narrative. 

In fact, I haven't watched it since I learned that. 

I gotta do that.

Earthquake!!

October 16, 2012

Shit, we just had an earthquake!

And the addenda...

4.5

It hit like one big crash, I thought it was an explosion somewhere. 

All it did was knock down a knick-knack in the bathroom, but it was fucking loud.

Now, it's adjusted to a 4.6. 

3 miles off of Hollis, so it was right on top of us.

Observations on stupid/mediocre people.

October 19, 2020

Arguing with stupid people makes me think dark thoughts. 

For example, I'll look at the profile of a dumb person, and they'll have a fancy school they went to, and a high-flight job title...but then you read the swill from their actual MIND, and they're mediocre as fuck. 

Apparently, college isn't hard. 

Expensive, but not hard. If I weren't poor, and hadn't been lazy about jumping through the stupid fake hoops, I could do anything. 

These morons do it. 

If I had a Quantum Leap machine to steal people's lives, I could just take them right over. 

I could do their dumb job better. 

STEM fields are hard. 

I couldn't be a scientist. 

I'll cop to that. 

But even law. 

Rudy Giuliani is a fucking lawyer. 

How hard could that really be? 

I could fake my way through their personalities too. 

Most people's personalities are like the Taco Bell menu. 

A re-shuffling of about 6 ingredients. 

Be horrified of the idea of me being a Quantum Leaper. 

I'd fuck some shit up. 

I'd break the world. 

Muahhaa!

Stop throwing away Zippos! 

October 20, 2020

I'm getting sick of the trope in movies/TV where someone throws a Zippo lighter away into the fire they're starting. 

Like Zippos grow on trees. 

Saw it again on "Walking Dead: World Beyond", Sunday. 

Chrissakes, Zippos would be MORE scarce in the apocalypse! 

Is it really that hard to light a piece of paper, or a stick, or a rag, and throw THAT into the fire?

Boomers, racism, and gaslighting.

October 20, 2020

All right, so here's this story. 

I think it was in the 90's. 

Me, and my folks, and my grandfather, and my great-grandfather were at this wedding for relatives I don't even know. 

Some woman there had a mixed race kid, and my great-grandfather says out loud "SOMEBODY fucked a n***er!!". 

Cuz he was an old codger, my folks thought that was funny. 

They still tell the story. 

...why do we allow that? 

What Kool-Aid did boomers drink that lets them think racism is "cute", out of an old person? 

Since I was surrounded by this attitude, I let them gaslight me for a long time. 

Enough of this shit. 

Even if the mentality is "oh, they're old, let them die, and their attitudes will die with them",...bullshit. 

Bull-fucking-shit. 

We've seen that doesn't work. 

Passing along the "somebody fucked a n***er!", story becomes reciting other racist jokes, becomes passing it to the grandkids, and in a big family, 1 out of 4 is gonna go down the CHUD rabbit hole and turn Fash. 

That's how we've all got that Trumper uncle. 

It ain't cute. 

Do what I failed to do, and tell racist-grandpa to shut his stupid awful face.

And the addenda...

It's not like giving in to the gaslighting gained me respect from the old bastard either. 

My last clear memory of him was being over his house, and he started passing glasses of whisky around to the men folk, and I was old enough to drink by then, but I had decided with all the drunks in my family, alcohol held no appeal, and to be a teetotaler. 

So I very politely said "no thanks", to the booze, and my great-grandfather goes "ohhh, you're one of those 'good boys'". 

And my dad casts me a look of shame. 

I didn't give in to the peer pressure, or hang my head, or cry, or anything. 

Shrugged it off. 

Closest thing I ever did to standing up to the prick. I wear it like a badge of honor now. 

If that nasty old fascist found me disgusting, then I must be doing something right.

Oh shit! 

I just thought of what I should have done! 

I should have taken the drink, and poured it on the floor with a glower on my face, and making full eye contact like a Klingon!

Under The Rainbow

October 22, 2015

Going down memory lane with all these early 80's films makes it clear that 1. HBO had a lot of garbage on, and 2. we must have just been happy as pigs in shit to have HBO, and that tricked us into liking the swill. 

I just re-watched "Under The Rainbow", for the first time in 30-something years. 

Wow...what a miserable, unfunny, mean-spirited, and even racist turd of a movie. 

I thought that was FUNNY?? 

Goddamn.

And Carrie Fisher was in that fucking thing!

And Chevy Chase, but...he's an asshole, I'm not stunned there.

Harmon burning shit.

October 22, 2012

All right, go with me on this logic path for a second. 

If I cleaned everything out of this house, appliances, furniture, knick-knacks, everything, put it in the back yard, and burned it....I think I could get that done in a couple months. 

Tops. 

TOPS. 

Not even that long. 

Weeks. 

My next-door neighbor has been burning shit in his back yard for YEARS. 

DECADES. 

What the FUCK is he burning?? 

Why does he never run out of shit to burn? 

If it were brush...I could have sawed down the whole forest around here, and burned it in the time he's taken. 

Where is this magical brush coming from? 

What the FUCK  is he burning?

And the update...

October 22, 2020

His house is alive, and it buds out new furniture as its fruit. 

It feeds on his bigotry, and the stewing resentment of his unloving marriage.

There's a "For Sale" sign up in front of that miserable dump now.

They want half a mil for it.

For half a mil, that place had BETTER be a living organism.

Emily Alyn Lind.

October 23, 2020

So, I'm watching "Doctor Sleep", again, and Emily Alyn Lind who plays Snake-bite Annie keeps looking familiar to me, and then I realize, she's got the exact same head shape as me! 

She's female me! 

Damn, I'm a sexy bitch!

I invented everything goddammit!!!

October 24, 2012

So...running around and bouncing off obstacles, and walls, is "free running"? 

That's what that is? 

I fucking invented that at twelve at the breakwater at Old Orchard Beach. 

Goddammit, that's another THING I made that I coulda cashed in on. 

Everyone turns their nose up, and tells me I'm stupid when I do these things....Hot Pockets...invented those...pizza ingredients in a pocket bread, I said, make it like a giant pizza roll...no one would even get me the stuff to even make the prototype. 

Y'know what, it's not me, it's you. It's you people.. you're stupid. 

You. 

And you. 

And you. 

I don't even know you, and you look dumb. 

Fuck y'all! 

Fuck y'all! 

Inline skates? 

Mine. 

Coulda been rich. 

Sonzabitches. 

Next one pops in my head, I'm going for it. 

Fuck y'all!

Muthaafuckiiiizzzzz!!!!!

Fuck regret.

October 27, 2012

I finally look back with no regrets. 

Maybe there's stuff other people think I should regret, but...look, you can't control the actions of other people, so you shouldn't regret the actions of other people. 

All the so-call trouble I've made for myself, has been people reacting WAAYY out of proportion to minor offense. 

If I had lived my life to appease the crybabies, my life really would have been a garbage dump. 

So, fuck it.

And the update...

October 27, 2016

Yep. All the shames I used to carry around were minor little nothings. 

Jokes that didn't land, gossip that leaked that I didn't know wasn't supposed to, physical clumsiness, just dumb little things. 

Meanwhile the people judging me were abusers, manipulators, philanderers, bigots, genuine criminals, or combinations of the above. 

Fuck that, I got off that ride.

This fucking country just erected a golden statue to a man who killed half a million people with his incompetence.

Eat shit, anyone who ever finger-waved at me.

Wise words. Timeless words.

October 28, 2018

Whenever some libertarian starts lecturing me about "human nature", I always remember the experiment they ran where they taught chimps to use plastic squares as currency to exchange or food, and in no time, the females started prostituting, some of the males started to get in on the action by essentially becoming pimps, and then the pimps started having turf wars. 

Money destroyed their society in a matter of weeks. 

They had to be taught that shit. 

I always remember it. 

Its burnt into my brain.

Phew!! This file got really huge during isolation!

This is literally only half of it!

I tried to pound it onto one post, but it has to be two!

See you next time for the second part!