Weird/humor/musing stuff, Part 12.

Augh, a month to the day I 'm getting back to these.

If I can just clear this backlog, I'll have closed the year loop, and gotten all 11 years of my best Facebook stuff.

Let's get this done already.

Softball.

November 4, 2019

Y'know what I don't understand? 

The term "softball". 

"Softball questions", "softball interview", "lobbing softballs". 

I don't understand it, because I don't understand softballs. 

Ever get hit in the face with a well hurled softball? 

You're gonna get a nosebleed and cry. 

They're not fucking soft at all. 

Maybe for our depression era grandpas they were soft compared to...I dunno, a fucking cannonball. 

It's time to get with the times, and upgrade this saying to "Nerf interview". 

And change softballs to fatballs. 

Cuz that's what they really are. 

Fat baseballs. 

Just fat though. 

Not soft. 

Not soft at all.

Someone pointed out in comments that softballs are thrown slower, so the phrase is saying the person is "throwing like a girl" so it needs to be changed anyway.

Damn you, Weinstein!

November 5, 2017

As a fat, hairy, unattractive guy, one who formerly had dreams of getting rich enough to get away with parading nude and erect at unwelcome moments, I gotta say, screw you, Harvey Weinstein for taking it to a dark place, and ruining it for everybody. 

It was gonna be cute when I did it. 

Now it's just tainted, cuz you had to get all rapey. 

Prick.

90's vs 00's.

Novemeber 15, 2015

I think the problem I had with the 90's and 00's is they had the wrong soundtracks. 

Their CDs were switched. 

The vibe was all off, and out of sync. 

The 90's were a wimpy time of prosperity, they needed bubblegum Britney pop, then the 00's were miserable, and terrifying, and needed Nine Inch Nails, and Manson, and Tool.

The joke that broke Paula Kirby.

November 17, 2018

If it's one thing I want all you millennial whippersnappers to know, it's that when you turn 40, your farts start to stink. 

I know, right now, for you, they smell like lilac and peaches, and the world seems like your oyster. 

I'm here to tell you, it all goes to Hell. 

And I know what you're thinking "surely my sense of smell will weaken to compensate!". 

No. 

Nothing saves you.

And the update...

November 17, 2019

This is the joke that was so terrible, Paula Kirby stopped being my friend after 11 years. 

"But Mike, it's practically G-rated!!", you might be saying. 

I know, right? 

Fuck sakes. 

People are fucking weird.

Strange Magic.

November 18, 2018

Out of curiosity, watched "Strange Magic", on Starz last night. 

Animated fantasy jukebox musical created by George Lucas. 

It was his last project ever, and it bombed horribly. 

Made 34 million worldwide. 

Um....I didn't hate it. 

Oh, jukebox musicals can be cringe-y if the song choices and transitions aren't smooth, and this was cringeworthy. 

BUT..."Gnomeo And Juliet", is 1000 times more cringe-y, and that made enough money to justify a goddamned sequel. 

Gotta say, the animation is gorgeous. 

I'd go so far as to say more realistic than Pixar or Illumination. 

Between the animation quality, and its heart being in the right place, I can't hate it. 

But...I don't dig it either. 

But, I'm not its target audience. 

If little girls liked fucking "Gnomeo", this doesn't deserve to be executed by helicopter guns. 

Critics were unfair to Lucas cuz he's Lucas.

And the update...

January 29, 2020

This was just on again. 

I think what really makes it cringe, is they used actors not known for their singing. 

That bugged me about "Moulin Rouge" too. 

Either get actors with good pipes, singers who can act, or have singers do the singing voice, while the actor does the talking parts. 

Non-singers caterwauling just isn't good. 

May as well drag my ass in to do the fucking songs for "Tommy".

Crotch meat.

November 21, 2017

"*Happy gasp* is that a penis!!?? Omigawd! *Blush* It's so beautiful!! *eyes well up with happy tears* please, God, never let this moment end!!". 

Said no woman ever. 

Keep your crotch meat behind a zipper, assholes. 

WTF is wrong with people?

And the update...

November 21, 2020

Okay, this was a hard PG-13, and Paula Kirby thought it was funny. 

WTF happened?

Arnold is woke!

November 22, 2020

Countless website articles and blog posts have been devoted to how much horrifying problematic shit is in 80's movies. 

Especially the teen sex comedies. 

But you know whose record is surprisingly clean? 

Arnold Schwarzenegger!! 

No jingoism (like the Rambos), no homophobia, no racism. 

Okay, there's that one bit in the first Conan with the gay priest, and Conan flirts with him to take him aside to beat him up for his clothes to sneak into the temple. 

But that can be read a couple ways. 

Is it cuz the dude was gay, or was it cuz he was a religious predator? 

Y'know? 

That you could argue over it still puts it ahead of the naked homophobia in other 80's movies. 

The "fag in the shower! Fag in the shower! Fag alert! Fag alert!", scene in "Once Bitten", is the most obvious case I can think of. 

I personally don't think the Conan scene is the same thing. 

Someone could change my mind though. 

But yeah, even if you count that scene as homophobic, that's one scene out of the whole filmography. 

I'd say Arnold comes out of the dark tunnel pretty damned woke for the 80's.

45 years of not snapping.

November 24, 2013

Putting up with stupid people is so draining. 

For example, an idiot incapable of telling blatant hoax from reality. 

Correct them, you're "that know-it-all dickhead". 

Don't correct them, you've silently opened yourself up to putting up with more rumor bullshit. 

Get sick of it, and disengage from people entirely, you're "that creepy quiet keeps to himself guy". 

There's no way to fucking win. 

You can pretend to accept all the bullshit at face value, but then you want to kill yourself after awhile. 

If I make it to 45 not having murdered, it'll be a miracle.

And the update...

November 21, 2020

I made it!!

Porn vs cosmetics.

November 25, 2012

Porn has more than its fair share of ugly people. 

Naked ugly people. 

Now, consider, the porn industry rakes in billions of dollars a year. 

Also consider, the fashion and cosmetics industries also rake in billions a year. 

Do the math. 

Someone is wasting their money.

All State, Stan!

November 27, 2011

Ohhh..."that's All State's stand". 

All this time, I thought the dude was saying "that's All State, Stan", and then I'm like, who  the fuck is Stan? 

A stand-in for "Joe Everyman"? 

But...why Stan?

The meaning of Christmas.

November 27, 2014

Happy the day Mary and Joseph got fried on LSD, and put baby Jesus in the oven, and got a stern lecture from Joe Friday.

80's cartoons were fucked, part 2.

November 27, 2018

Watched a documentary on the invention and rise of He-Man. 

Now, they breezed by it, so I could only read between the lines, but it became pretty evident to me, all the "concerned parents groups", bullshit about cartoon violence that sanded the edges off the He-Man cartoon was phony. 

Our boomer parents didn't give fuck number one about violence. 

What they were really pissed about, was Reagan legalizing TV shows being toy commercials. 

They lost the fight legislatively, so they sought to ruin the toy shows by castrating them, and making them hollow and dull. 

It was on purpose. 

They made us kids pawns in their doomed lame political fight. 

There was good intent buried under there, but the strategy was hysterical dishonest witch-hunty bullshit. 

Like Stan's mom in South Park. 

All that cultural headache for nothing. 

He-Man keeps coming back, they just did a new She-Ra, and Pokemon kicked the barn door all the way open, and all the horses, chickens, pigs, sheep, pigeons, and barn cats all got out. 

With adult eyes, I can sympathize....to a point. 

But, it was just fucking He-Man, and Transformers, and Thundercats. 

It's not like there was a fucking Joe Camel show. 

THEN, I could see flipping the fuck out.

Common shared experiences.

November 27, 2020

Remember how after Neil Armstrong came back from the moon, his wife couldn't relate to him anymore, and she left him, and no other woman could relate to him, and he never remarried, and he died alone? 

No? Huh. 

Remember how when John McCain came back from being in a prison camp, and no woman could relate to him, and he died alone? 

No? Huh. 

Y'know how all those people who are raised in cults, and then escape the cults, and de-program, and then no one can relate to them, and they all die alone? 

No? Huh. 

What about those guys that get stuck on desert islands, and come back to civilization, and they die alo...no? 

Huh. 

None of those, huh? 

Then why does society say that's the fate of introverted spectrum-y people that didn't do the party thing as teenagers, and "didn't have the right experiences at the right time?".  

Like, not all of society, but pretty significant chunks of it. 

Either outright, or through actions. 

Never made sense to me. 

Seems pretty contradictory. 

On top of being shitty. 

Oh well. 

Whatevs.

El Flatutalo finale.

Dec 7, 2020

El Flatulato- This es Tv? I am TV star? Es Telemundo? TELEMUNDO!!!! *BROOOOMMPPTT!!!!  FLATULAAAAATOOOOO!!!!! *BROOOOOOOMPTTT!!!** 🤠

Real Mexican guy- Hey, man, that's not cool. That's totally cultural appropriation. 😒

El Flatulato- *Takes off sombrero, and becomes Diacanu* 😔

Mexican guy- *Puts on Luchador mask, takes the El Flatulato sombrero, and puts it on* ARIBAAAA!!! (High pitched laugh) AHHH-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! III-YII-YII-YIII!!!!!!! *BROOOOMPPTT!!!* 🤠

Diacanu- This feels like oppression. I'm going to go bitch about it in Youtube comments. 😒

Bars.

May 18, 2020

(What Mike Meggison's brain thinks happens inside bars) 

*Everyone's puking, vomit coats the walls, lakes of vomit coat the floors, people are sliding around on the vomit, and screaming "whoooaaa!! Fucking whooaa!", and crashing into the walls, and then puking themselves. 

People are walking around on all fours like a dog, and puking. 

Two legged walkers are tripping over the four legged walkers, and puking when they hit the floor.

People at the actual bar part of the bar are puking all over the liquor bottles. 

The bartender is wearing a bio-hazard suit to keep out the puke, and is sobbing softly at his lot in life.

The jukebox has short circuited from being hosed down with gallons and gallons of puke. 

An electrical fire has cooked some of the puke on top of the machine into a solid burger patty. 

The flaming burger has been put out with beer. 

A couple in the corner are having sex, and puking on each other. 

All the windows are smashed out, and have unconscious beaten up guys dangling out of them. 

One guy thinks a back wall is a bank of urinals and is hosing it furiously with cartoonish garden hose quantities of piss*

Yeah, that's about right.

Why do people want to risk covid-19 to go back to these places?

Makes no sense to me.

*Shrugs*

Sexy Batman.

December 12, 2019

(High pitched Richard O'Brien type voice) I'm seeeexy Baatmaa-a-a-a-a-ann!! 

....that's all I've got so far. 

A few hundred more like that, and Broadway, here I come!

And the update...

December 12, 2020

*Choir of Catwomen (all incarnations) join in on the chorus*

*Batman's nipples not only light up, but shoot lasers.*

*The lasers draw the bat signal*

*Sexy female Robins dance all around*

(Speaking) "And I'm here to bring the power of rock n' roll to your faces!!".

(Back to singing) "Cuz I'm seeeexy Baatmaa-a-a-a-a-ann!! !!".

*Laser guitar solo*

*Real rabid bats attack the audience*

And my comment..

Yeah..yeah..if I chip away at this every year, I'll really have something...

And Ashley's comment...

I’d watch it

French Hulk!

December 14, 2012

Things missing from the Incredible Hulk TV series seasons 1-5 boxed set. 

The 3 TV movies from the late 80's. 

The Mr. Rogers Neighborhood episode where Fred Rogers visits the set, interviews Bill Bixby, and shows Lou Ferrigno's makeup process. 

And, last, but not least, a French audio track. 

When I was a kid, our first basic cable provider picked up a French station from Quebec, and they played dubbed Hulk reruns. 

I loved Hulk so much, I'd watch it in French. 

It was kind of fun trying to figure out what was going on without decipherable dialogue. 

And, I swear, Hulk's roars had an accent. 

I miss that. 

I'd like to see that again one last time.

Feeling 45.

December 19, 2020

Ugh, Christ, caught myself in the mirror with my brow furrowed, and my glasses down my nose, and combined with the greying beard, I really looked and felt 45. 

I looked like a guy worrying about his fuckin' 401k. 

It occurred to me, I could fake it. 

I could fake being an adult. 

Get myself a tweed jacket with elbow patches, put on an erudite air, start dating my cousin's friend's moms. 

Then I picture them bitching about how their ex-husband was a flop at wiping his ass, and left shit on the sheets. 

Nah, fuck that, that sounds like a drag. 

I'll keep being a man-boy awhile longer.

Nostalgia train-wreck.

December 22, 2017

"... good old Robbie. Always doing crazy stunts like climbing scrawny trees, and falling down, and breaking his arm for attention. ...wait...that's classic abuse cover story. Ohhhh, Robbie didn't break his arm, his dad beat him. Damn. I feel stupid. Hmm...his dad's dead now. Good. All right then". 

Does your wistful nostalgia train-wreck like this, or is is just me?

That's not a skit, btw, that's fucking real.

That time I sounded like Randy Spears.

January 4, 2020

Wait, I remember now, there was one time I liked my voice. 

I had pneumonia, and my voice was so raspy, I sounded like Randy Spears the porn star. 

I said filthy lines from his porns, and laughed, and laughed. 

Then had coughing fits from the laughter. 

Then felt like my ribcage was on fire from the coughing. 

Then I'd hear myself as Randy Spears again, and laugh again anyway. 

That was a good time.

Find the smell.

January 5, 2012

Well, yesterday's adventure was a game of "find the smell". 

After a brutal shower, two complete clothing changes, a bedding change, and Lysoling everything in sight, it turned out to be battery acid from a million year old flashlight eating into my wooden bookshelf. 

The funk is still hanging about. 

Wee.

That time my peener was a monkey's paw.

January 6, 2020

Hmm...I wanked last night to relieve anxiety, and the Dems took the senate. 

I wanked this afternoon to kill time during the stupid 2 hour break caused by stupid fucking Ted Cruz, and then the Nazis stormed the place. 

Clearly my peener is a monkey's paw, and I need to leave it alone for awhile.

A-Woman!

January 9, 2021

*Gears turning*

I've got it! A movie called "A-Woman"!

It's an alternate reality, God tries to rape 14 year old Mary, but this time, she kicks him in the nuts.

He slaps her around, throws her into furniture, and leaves her for dead, but she survives.

She heals, starts working out, and cut to 6 years later, she's left Joseph, is ripped like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2, has an eyepatch, and is out for God's blood.

At the end, she finds out God knocked someone else up with Jesus, but this time, he's speed-grown into one of those rings-with-eyeball things, and she has to fight it, and then kills God with a weapon made from its pieces.

Flash forward to today, and society is built on feminism, Republicans were never a thing, and it's basically Starfleet.

Ghostbusters smell-o-vision.

January 10, 2018

Dad ran the self-cleaning mode on the oven, now the stink of hot metal and cremation ash is burnt into my nostrils. 

You're supposed to do that in the summer, stupid. 

Goddamn him.

And my comment...

Well...animated Ghostbusters are always burning down doors and melting locks with their guns, I'll just pretend it's smell-o-vision.

Nosebleed section.

January 14, 2021

Life hack- If you get a random bloody nose during a movie, and you don't have tissues on you, fuck it, you're in the dark, just let it gush all out, and dry up on its own. Then, when the movie ends, go to the restroom to wash your face, and if anyone sees you just grin devilishly, and go "you should have seen the other guy 😉".

Heavy Metal musical.

January 18, 2021

!!!! *Idea explosion* "Heavy Metal- The Musical"!!!!". 

Everything's the same story wise, but instead of dropping the songs in "Guardians Of The Galaxy" style, the characters stop and sing the songs!!!! 

(Plays it Broadway style in my head) "Reeeeacch ouuut and taakke iiitt! Reeach out and tuh-tuh-tuh-taaake iiiitt!!" 

Yes!! Yes!! Yes!!! 

Girls can drag their boyfriends to "Wicked" and "Momma Mia", guys can drag their girls to "Spamalot" and "Heavy Metal". 

Do this, Broadway, do it!!! 

Are you out there, Kevin Eastman? 

If Broadway calls, say fucking "yes!!".

And the comment thread...

Sharon- Not that your Heavy Metal idea is bad at all, but your brain is really stuck in the sexist stereotypes.

Me- Sorry, I'll keep striving to do better. 😔

Sharon- Just annoying to me that anyone would assume I would drag anyone to see Momma Mia.

Me- *Evil cackle* actually, I'd drag you to see Momma Mia!! Then when it was over, I'd go "WOW! That was spectacular, wasn't it!!" 😈

Karen Garamet.

January 18, 2021

(In reply to the thread "For our resident karen Garamet")

(Garamet being a poster. It's Margaret scrambled)

Am I the only one who's gonna note the missing comma for "our resident Karen, garamet"?

Without the comma, it's all one name.

"Karen Garamet".

Karen Garamet sounds like a broad in a quirky novel about a wacky neighborhood who thinks she's an investigative reporter, but she's really just a QAnon whacko trying to find lizard people.

Then she finally finds that RL guy who's tattooed his skin snakeskin, and has a bifurcated tongue....and she marries him.

Hey...this is good shit, why am I giving this away for free?

*Pastes it into a notepad for later*

Shlong-whipping.

January 21, 2018

Hey, did anyone here get with their wife by whipping their dick out? 

How about blowing your load into a potted plant? 

Cuz, the whine I hear sometimes about sexual harassment policies at workplaces, is no one will meet their future spouse anymore. 

So, I'll admit, I'm bad at romance and relationships, I haven't "got game", like, at all, so is whipping your shlong out, and flopping it all around a thing in courtship? 

I thought it wasn't, but what the fuck do I know? 

Maybe someone will surprise me with their answers.

Batman PTSD.

January 22, 2021

Look, you just know if Batman were real, he'd spend many, many moments in the Batcave randomly breaking down into an ugly-cry from PTSD, and Alfred would have to awkwardly tip-toe out of the room. 

If I made a Batman movie, I'd shoot those scenes, but you just know fucking Warners would make me cut them.

Chocolate lamps.

January 29, 2021

Hmm. 

Had a dream that I was at a flea market where all they were selling was realistic fake antique lamps made of hollow chocolate. 

I devoured a couple of them. 

I didn't taste them. 

"You TASTE in dreams?". 

Yep. 

I get the full holodeck experience. 

Usually. 

The chocolate lamps tasted like water and dust if anything at all. 

Funny, in the conscious universe, I'm not actually craving candy. 

Not even a little. 

Weird.

Kirk Douglas story. 

February 5, 2020

(Context, he had just died)

So, here's my favorite Kirk Douglas story. 

One time, he and an unnamed buddy of his got to meet Salvadore Dali. 

They were both naively oblivious to that Dali was into orgies, and watching/directing said orgies. 

After some conversation, and some drinks, Dali pulls out these ceramic dicks shoved into a ceramic vagina at the same time that he's sculpted, and demonstrates how the position can be done, and then this girl comes out in nothing but a robe. 

Kirk and his buddy ran out of there in horror. 

The girl looked disappointed.  

It pops into my head whenever I see or hear of either Douglas or Dali, and puts a smile on my face. 

RIP, Kirk.

That's right out of "The Ragman's Son" if I remember right.

Anti-anti-vax Batman.

February 5, 2015

Someone who's good with tools, build me a Batmobile with a roof mounted Gatling gun that shoots vaccine syringes. 

Someone who's got access to medical supplies, get me a couple crates full of MMR and HPV. 

No....I'm not up to something, look just get me the stuff, okay?

I hated anti-vaxxers before there was a plague for them to murder people with.

Nothing Man!!

February 5, 2015

I think I've figured out why religious apologists see atheists as "a threat". 

Experiments I've done show that The Nothing from "The Neverending Story", is real. 

Not only that, but atheists give off an aura of it. 

I personally give off a nothing-aura a mile around me in every direction. 

This nothing-aura takes down all magical creatures. 

Not just immortal religious prophets, but fairies, pixies, gnomes, all regional incarnations of Father Christmas, Bigfoots, Nessies, Greys, and flying nuns and levitating nannies get knocked right out of the sky. 

It's a helluva party pooper. 

Good thing you're all safe behind your computer screens.

And the update...

February 5, 2021

Nothing Maaaaann!!

List-acles period.

February 6, 2016

(Reacting to a "remember this thing from your 20's?" type of article)

Ugh, I despise these "remember this universal experience, normal people?", list-icles. 

No, no I don't remember that bullshit. I had depression. 

My 20's were where my brain was literally trying to kill me. 

Every day from waking to dozing off, my brain was telling me I was Jack The Ripper in Elephant Man's body, and I needed to go. 

Fuck off, John Cheese, fuck off.

David Blaine.

February 6, 2014

And while I'm talking death, that's given me an idea for David Blaine's next stunt. 

Die. 

Die all the way dead. 

And stay dead for a couple days. 

THEN come back. 

That just might fuckin' impress me.  

No points for coming back all fucked up and retarded though.

My 20's.

February 9, 2021

Y'know what? 

I'm gonna stop ragging on my 20's as a failure. 

That would've been 1995 to 2005. 

I had good shit happening then. 

I had 3 meat-space buddies I hung out with. 

There were a lot of good movies and shows. 

Trek was in its prime, and I got to experience that.

I've got my crazy work experiences that I can use for story fodder forever. 

I had a cyber-girlfriend who loved me. 

I mean, sure, she turned out to be a clingy "Fatal Attraction" type later on, but....hey what other guy still has his 20's girlfriend? 

What guy doesn't have at least one psycho in the mix? 

It's almost normal. 

For an introverted guy like me with depression, and trauma, and demons, and probably on the spectrum, I think I did a damned good fucking job. 

The alternatives were dangling from a noose in the garage, or up on a clock tower with a sniper rifle. 

I sure as shit wasn't gonna go to a binge-drinking party with bad techno music throbbing in the background. 

That shit just ain't me. 

I was never gonna be happy extrovert guy. 

That wasn't in the cards. 

For the cards I had, I did pretty damned well. 

I'm gonna ease up on 20's me. 

Yep. 

*Head pats 20's me*

A futile and stupid gesture.

February 8, 2018

Saw "A Futile and Stupid Gesture", last night. It's about the guys that founded "National Lampoon", which went on to spawn "Saturday Night Live". 

Really good. 

I'd recommend. 

Reminds me of my old gang from high school. 

The Lampoon guys were just a gang of smart and weird kids like us. 

Except they bitterly broke up after they succeeded, and we bitterly broke up before we succeeded. 

I'm the last one. 

Everyone else threw in the towel to be boring and normal. 

I don't want to jump off a cliff like Doug Kenny, that's for sure. 

What to do? 

What to do? 

Re-invent the wheel, and try to do National Lampoon over, or go write for SNL? 

Hmm....

The logic of Batman.

February 11, 2014

Listened to a Neil Degrasse Tyson podcast on the science of superheroes, and the point came up that if in the future, genetics starts giving everyone superpowers, what will the writers of comic books have to write about anymore? 

Um, DUH, even in an all-super world, superheroes would be superheroes, because it would still be a weird thing to be a costumed vigilante. 

In fact, this scenario has already been written about. 

Fuggin' BATMAN. 

He's got the powers of a human in a world of humans. 

He's still Batman. 

The same social dynamic would scale up to super-world. 

I didn't buy this premise when Syndrome put it forward in "The Incredibles", either.

Buddy cops.

February 13, 2014

Random idea: Marquis De Sade and Caligula as buddy cops. 

Get going, Hollywood screenwriters.

And the update...

February 13, 2021

Ashley would watch it. 😉

And Ashley's reply...

Depends who was directing.

Russian hackers.

February 16, 2021

So, in the olden times, computer programs were written by one guy, so they ran smoothly. 

Like, instant level smoothly. 

Then Microsoft comes along, and their shit is buggy and clunky, cuz it takes a hundred guys to cobble their shit together. 

Now I hear on 60 minutes that the Russian cyber-weapon that infiltrated every government agency, bank, corporation, etc, etc, etc, was probably written by 1000 guys. 

And it's fucking unstoppable, has no anti-virus antidote, and drills down into the hardware somehow, so nothing short of burning the computer can truly kill it. 

So...it wasn't that Microsoft used 100 guys, they used shitty guys. 

Russia has a better employee screening process.

Think of Laura.

February 20, 2021

The song "think of Laura" extolls us to laugh not cry. 

I bawl anyway. 

Damn you, Christopher Cross.

Penis cannibalism.

February 23, 2013

When a zombie horde devours a human, one naturally assumes they eat the genitals. 

I can see why this detail has to be left out of television (hypocrisy aside); but, why hasn't a movie dealt with this? 

And, why hasn't that ground-breaker been Romero himself?

And the update...

February 23, 2021

Oh yeah, I forgot, there's a whole bushel of penis cannibalism in "Father's Day".

Cell phone.

February 24, 2021

When people find out you don't have a cell phone, you may as well be telling them "I can make turds sing and dance, come into my van and see!". 

It only gets worse when you say "please, who would I call?".

Elevator pitch.

February 25, 2021

(Commenting on someone else's wall. About a story about Lady Gaga's dogs being stolen. Someone said "Sounds like an Onion headline" then I jumped in...)

Or the elevator pitch for an 80's tearjerker comedy. 

Y'know, the dog kidnappers are a sad childless couple, and they want the ransom at first, but they fall in love with the dogs, and the dogs get Stockholm syndrome, and fall in love back with them, and when Lady Gaga gets the dogs back, everyone cries, and Lady Gaga adopts the couple, and lets them live in her rumpus room, and they all live happily ever after. 

...I watched WAY too much HBO as a kid.

Dave's old porn. 

March 10, 2013

"Dave's Old Porn", with Dave Attell makes me misty eyed. 

Can't wait for the DVD release. 

I was hopping around in my chair squealing like a schoolgirl going "OMG!! I've seen that one! Dave and Kathy Griffin are appreciating my favorites along with me!". 

It's MST3K for perverts. 

I'm so happy. 

Thank you, Dave.

The cycle of violence.

March 10, 2014

Grim thought of the day: Ever sit and wonder how many victims of elder abuse used to dispense child abuse when they were younger? 

I sure do. 

Now you will too. 

Enjoy.

And the update...

March 10, 2021

You gotta wonder how much covid was used as an invisible murder weapon on unwanted parents of boomers. It can't be zero.

Million dollar idea.

March 13, 2017

I've finally clicked to the realization that (at least in fiction writing) there's no such thing as "a million dollar idea". 

Harry Potter wasn't a magic lottery ticket that could land in anyone's lap, it was a million dollar idea for J.K. Rowling. 

What there really is, is the idea that resonates for you that you can commit your creative energies to. 

J.K. poured all that work into Harry Potter, because that world and set of characters spoke to her. 

And, she had the talent to execute it properly. 

But, even that can be dissected down to resonance and commitment. 

So, lose the idea that there's a "right", or "perfect", idea. 

That'll put you in paralysis. 

Find the idea that's fun for you to write without being a slog. 

If it's a slog, you're probably being pretentious, and/or writing for someone else, and not you.

Recipe life stories.

March 16, 2021

(Reacting to a meme that says "when you click on a recipe and there's a 2,400 word personal essay first")

If I have to sit through a life story, I want a dark one. 

"So, I was 12, I come home, and Ma is lying on the couch holding an ice pack on another black eye. Dad was in his room sleeping off a bender. I finally said 'enough is enough' and killed him with the ice pick. I buried him next to the septic tank, and I cooked supper. Ma needed the rest. I threw together everything that was in the fridge, and it made this wonderful casserole that I still make today. As for dad, we told the neighbors that he ran off with one of his trollops, and they bought it. That was 35 years ago now. Statute of limitations, the cops can't touch me, and I don't care who knows anymore".

Replicon.

March 17, 2013

Yes, if the Bladerunner style androids come, and they make one of Warwick Davis in a  green suit, it will be a Replicon. 

That's not meant to be funny, it's just a cold-blooded observation.

And the update.

March 17, 2021

"Replicon" should have been one of the Leprechaun sequels. 

Leprechaun possesses Chucky. 

The rest writes itself.

Manlybands.

March 17, 2021

Really sick of seeing the ad for Manlybands-dot-com. 

Fuck sakes, guys are homophobic about RINGS so they need manly RINGS? 

Guys are threatened in their masculinity about GETTING MARRIED!!?! 

What a bunch of man-toddlers American men have become! 

Holy fucking shitballs! 

Look, guys, Elvis Presley wore jewel encrusted "girly" rings all over all his fingers, and he wore jumpsuits designed by goddamned Liberace, and no one called him a queer. 

Loosen the fuck up. 

Christ sakes!

News radio.

 Mar 16, 2021

(During a long-ass discussion on whether or not Joe Rogan is a transphobe (he so fucking is))

Anyway, even though Joe Rogan turned into a total douche-bro, and Phil Hartman got murdered by his crazy wife, and Andy Dick sold Phil's wife the bad cocaine that drove her over the edge, and Dave Foley got financially and spiritually destroyed by his psychopathic ex-wife, and is a tragic husk of a man now, I'd STILL recommend "News Radio" to anyone who never watched it.

What?

Bad timing?

👀

Friends except...

March 21, 2019

Hmm, just noticed the "friends except..", feature. 

I guess that's for keeping your Nazi granny from seeing your Warren/Sanders/Cortez booster stuff.

Maybe I could have kept Jack Rawlinson as a friend if I'd blocked my superhero movie stuff from his view. 

Or Paula Kirby from seeing my dark raunchy brain farts. 

Nah, fuck that. 

Fuck having friends I can't be myself around. 

What a depressing thing that that feature has to be there for some people.

Batsuits.

March 27, 2021

A Batman scene you'll never see...

Bruce- Darkseid eh? Well, I'll just build a Batsuit strong enough to kick his ass. Then, I'll kick his ass.

Lucius- Um...we just took a bath on Wall Street over that MSNBC expose. You ain't building shit.

Bruce-...fuck.

Curvy pepperoni.

March 27, 2021

Here's a marketing idea. 

Curvy pepperoni called Pep-Peyronie's. 

(Angry mob with torches) 

"Get him!! He's comedy's greatest monster!! Boo!! Fucking booo!!!".

Queen's Gambit

11/12/20

(Posted on Laurie's wall)

My fake review of "The Queen's Gambit", just blindly extrapolating from the title. 

Cate Blanchett is exquisite as usual as Queen Elizabeth I, as she kills Gambit (the X-Man), here played by Channing Tatum. 

90 minutes of the film are devoted to Liz crushing in Gambit's skull with her scepter. 

The cinematography is lush, and gorgeous, the reds are so red. 

The score embraces the images like a tender lover. 

Your heart will be lifted, and your soul will soar. 

Recommended for both the elderly, and small dogs with squeaky voices. 

No pregnant women.

I thought this was hilarious. 

I laughed so hard, tears squirted out onto my glasses, and I had to wash the salt crust off.

Laurie and his pals didn't laugh.

I deleted it.

From Facebook, but I just saved that shit, so neener!!

Phew done!!

Now the other categories will be much shorter compared to this behemoth!