Big fat three-parter today!
Part 1!
Fight!
Cyndi Crawford.
December 31, 2017
Man, that "Meaningful Beauty", commercial is really fucking long.
It feels like an infomercial.
And all I can think of while I stare at it waiting for Star trek to come back, is "Jesus, I'm gonna have to watch Cindy Crawford morph into Joan Crawford over the next decade, aren't I?".
The decay of the flesh betrays us all.
Some handle it better than others.
Cindy is not going to be one of those.
Nope.
And now the update...
December 31, 2018
So, here's my unpleasant memory connected to Cyndi Crawford.
In my teen years, somehow, my mother got it into her head I was gaga for Cyndi Crawford, and kept getting me Cyndi Crawford calendars and posters.
I ended up staring at that vapid dingbat for 5 years.
My kink was goth girls, but "Suicide Girls", wouldn't be invented until the early 00's.
I suppose I could have communicated this.
My mother and I never had that l kind of relationship where we talked about that shit.
She tried to make that happen out of the blue.
It's weirder when you spring it out of the blue.
Naturally, I was resistant.
Anyway, I don't know if Cyndi is a good or bad person underneath, but frankly, I could do without her.
Nah, she's all right.
Course, if she were pale, and ate spiders, she'd really get my motor going.
24 reunion.
May 10, 2013
So, I hear that they're considering bringing "24", back as a miniseries.
Here's my little writer's pitch.
Jack Bauer is a man destroyed.
His experiences have poisoned his soul, and there's just no way back.
He can't get hard anymore unless torture is involved, his wife tried to accommodate this, but almost died of asphyxia, and left him once and for all, his daughter has washed her hands and feet of him, and he vomits every morning when he looks himself in the mirror.
He snorts coke with a grown out pinky nail he puts red polish on, and he dreams of taking a new "terrorist", down to his sex dungeon to give meaning back to the empty husk that's laughingly called his "life".
Then, when he's in the back alley of a skid row abortion clinic to fulfill his new dietary requirements, the Boston bombings happen.
We zoom in on the throbbing tent in his pants, and the counter starts beeping.
It's too much like the real show.
No one knew it was a joke.
Telemarketer auto dialers.
June 5, 2019
Don't you love it when the telemarketer's auto-dialer takes just long enough to pick up on their end that it jumps over your answering machine, and they don't know they're on the machine?
Oh, it's a blast.
*Eye roll*
And they always act demanding and frustrated, like YOU called them.
My detractors are ableists.
June 5, 2015
I don't know if I'm on the autism spectrum, but part of me hopes so.
It would mean everyone who couldn't handle my personality is a filthy stinking ableist, and ought to be ashamed of themselves.
"That's so funny".
June 5, 2013
Whenever you hear a bimbo-y female voice half-whisper "that's so funny", you can damned well rest assured it wasn't.
And the update...
June 5, 2020
The male counterpart is the guy who loudly says "that's hilaaaaaarious!", but there's no laugh in their voice.
It's never funny.
Usually cruel.
Shitty neighbors.
June 6, 2016
The neighbors have finally quieted down.
That was quite an outdoor symposium on the future of cognitive neuroscience they had going there.
It was followed by a slideshow presentation on updated theories on quantum gravity.
No, that's just my sarcastic way of saying they're a bunch of beady-eyed trash hooting, hollering, revving a motorcycle, and making witch cackles.
How I loathe them.
And the update....
June 6, 2017
They're still awful.
And they've got a vehicle for every season.
Summer, the motorcycles come out.
Spring and fall, they sit in the yard revving hot rods.
Winter, out come the snowmobiles.
I hate them so much.
I hate them so damned much.
And they don't go away.
If I had a motorcycle, I'd take off to somewhere good.
Not them.
They stay on this shitty street going up and down.
Burning away gas like it was tea kettle water.
Loud, obnoxious, stupid, polluting morons.
I hate them so much.
Oogum boogum.
June 7, 2018
Ohhhh!
The song in that Macy's commercial has been saying "oogum boogum".
I thought it was saying "fuck 'em, fuck 'em".
I thought we'd made a jolt of progress against censorship on TV.
Should have known better.
Yeah, I need to get around to this.
June 7, 2017
I'm starting to think super villain gets a bad wrap as an occupation.
I'm putting serious thought into cooking up a candy bar sized lump of anti-proton, making me the sole anti-matter power on the Earth, and just taking over as invincible global emperor.
This democracy shit just isn't working out.
And the update...
June 7, 2020
I could hardly do worse than what we've got.
Richard Dawkins dream.
June 14, 2015
Had a weird dream last night, had you EC guys in it, plus Paula.
We were all together with Richard Dawkins, and he was taking us on a tour of this museum, and the guy who ran the place comes bursting out, and starts growling and hissing at Richard like "you son of a bitch, how DARE you show your face here!? I used to love you! Now I hate you! I will have QUIET in my institution! There's SERIOUS learning going on here! There's no place here for your quack popular tripe!!", and on and on like that, and he grabs his lapels, and pushes him back, back,back,until he's got him tipped over onto a wooden library table, and everyone's all shocked, and traumatized.
Except me. I think it's funny.
Cuz I've seen real crazy people, and real domestic abuse, so I know when someone's a genuine threat, and when someone's full of hot gas and noise, and putting on a show.
And this guy is the latter, so I'm just watching the show.
And the asshole runs out of steam, and lets Richard go, and flounces off, and says we need to clear out before he calls the cops, and I'm like "fuck this", and I wander off on my own, and go into every unguarded unauthorized area I can.
After literally stealing my own tour, everyone's in a white station wagon waiting for me all pissed.
I end up in the back sat right next to Richard, and he's got beer breath, and leans in and whispers to me that he did a pub crawl last night, and would I mind very much being the guide for the next museum, and I'm like "....yeah, all right".
Then I woke up.
Never had an EC (Evil Clique, that's my Dawkns board gang) dream before.
Wonder what triggered it.
And the update...
June 14, 2019
Damn, I forgot this again. I remember it when I read it though.
Wild.
Paula Kirby still thought I was funny back then too.
I dunno, I'm still the same guy.
I didn't take a dramatic turn like killing a baby seal or something.
Go figure.
Self-improvement was a waste of everyone's time.
June 14, 2014
*Facepalm* so, here's every article with "be a better person", in the title.
1. Be an extrovert, even if it goes against your nature.
2. Conform to society's shallow attractiveness standards.
3. Chase money.
4. If 1-3 make you miserable, fuck you, misery builds character.
That's the gist.
They're all the same.
Best scam on the net right after Nigerian princes, and cock pills.
And the update...
June 14, 2018
Well, our president has taught a generation you can be an absolute shit-pile, and make it to the White House.
The entire self-improvement industry was a waste of everyone's time.
Hooray!!
It's over!!
It'll never be over.
Especially high-fashion, and quack diets.
Being right fucking matters.
June 14, 2014
Here's another phrase I've always found stupid since the moment I heard it.
It's relatively new, too, it seemed to jump onto the scene in the mid to late 90's or so, but reached critical mass in the 00's.
"It's not about being right".
There are variations.
"Life's about more than being right all the time", and "it's not about WHO'S right", but it's the same sentiment.
Fuck you.
Being right is everything.
And I'm not talking about picking a random dipshit belief, and fighting for it until you win by browbeating.
I mean being objectively right.
Like evolution is right, and Einstein's equations are right.
That fucking matters.
It really fucking does.
It's the ONLY thing.
I mean, yeah, I get the underlying thing, that if you fight too hard, you alienate, so you're better off in a social context if you massage everyone's widdle feelings...
But once you start on that treadmill, you can never fucking stop.
You spend the rest of your life politicking everyone, and then you become this fake fucking hand puppet that isn't the real you anymore.
Fuck that, I'd rather piss people off, and not have to lie.
"It's not about being right", is the battle cry of fluff-headed relativists who think everyone should live in their own little mini-Matrix, and that nothing is real.
Talk to these same assholes when a school gets blown up, or a tornado tears through.
Suddenly, things are fucking real.
Suddenly, it matters if say, the weatherman was right.
Being right is the ONLY thing.
If you don't think so, you're wrong.
And the update...
June 14, 2020
Ask the bleach drinkers, and the anti-vaxxers on ventilators how they feel about being allowed to be wrong cuz of their feefees now.
Yeah, objective reality is a thing now, ain't it, muthafuckas?
Yeah, Herman Cain.
I've got an even faster takedown of this bullshit.
"It's not about who's right", is itself an assertion of rightness.
Boom.
Done.
Fuck the Dalai Llama.
June 14, 2013
Here's yet another thing I'm out of step with a lot of liberals on.
I'm not interested in anything the Dalai Lama says or does.
I don't believe in magic, so there's no real life Yoda, and if there were, the Dalai Lama wouldn't fucking qualify anyway.
Absent magic, there's nothing that makes his fortune cookie wisdom more significant than...well, a fortune cookie's.
And absent his fortune cookie wisdom being magic, I fail to see what makes him a superstar.
I'm baffled by the Yoda status our culture has given Maya Angelou too, frankly.
The last genuine sage we had was George Carlin, and he's fucking dead.
All we've got now is this vapid clique of high school blowhards jockeying for position.
And the update...
June 14, 2018
The Dalai Lama is a pampered dictator who's chums with worse dictators.
I can't think of a more anti-liberal hero for a liberal to have.
The left-coast's embrace of this charlatan has always deeply troubled me.
Superheroes? Lay low.
June 16, 2018
So, here's my advice for any super-powered superheroes that may emerge onto the world stage someday.
Don't do it like the fucking comic books show it.
Don't don a pretty costume, and don't announce yourself to the world.
Save lives, take out bad guys, but do it on the down-low nice and sneaky.
Like how when Superman doesn't have access to his costume, and has to do it as Clark Kent, but in a sneaky way so Lois doesn't see?
Always do it like that.
Always.
Cuz here's why.
Your main super villain will be your own government.
Why?
Because politicians despise heroes.
Why?
Because a hero is someone loved by the people, and that's what the politicians are supposed to be.
If the public lifts up a hero, then that hero might get aspirations towards politics, and being a hero, he might give the people what they actually want, and in doing so, dismantle all the extortion and laundering rackets the crooks have grown fat off for decades.
And even if the hero hand waves away politics, the people might demand it, and guilt-trip him into it.
So, that's a threat, and that's got to go.
So, you'd very quickly see the entire military budget go into finding your kryptonite, weaponizing it, then the CIA/NSA will frame you for kiddie porn to turn the public against you, and THEN they kill you with the kryptonite.
Nope, fuck that noise.
Help out, but don't be showey about it.
Unless you're packing enough power to bring the government to their knees.
In which case, you're probably gonna go down in history as the villain.
Nope, if you wanna remain good, sneak.
Line-work burn.
June 17, 2019
Anyone else have the thing happen where if you read a shitload of comics, or one really long graphic novel non-stop, and then pull your head out, you see line-work on reality for a couple hours?
There, there's that batch.
Up next, more of these.
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