The Big Problems.

Yeah, okay, Mike.
Christianity, advertising, greedy businessmen, lying politicians, big whoop.

You still live in the greatest country on Earth, you spoiled white boy, some people aren't as lucky, and have real problems in the world.

Okay, fine, let's look at the big ones...

Terrorism.










Ayep....certain colorful folks from The Middle East seem to have their hearts set on making life on this planet "interesting", for a long time to come....

Course, if we could find the antidote to fundie Islam, that'd defuse a lot of that bullshit.

And the best laboratory test for that would be finding the antidote for fundie Christianity here at home, and then, y'know, strengthening the dose.

But, the response from Christians about that is that it would make them really, really, really sad.
Oh, well, okay then, let's keep having terrorists.
I'm sorry, I thought you wanted a solution, people.
Nevermind.

Moving along...

North Korea.












Speaking of people determined to make life on this planet "interesting", this little batshit fuck seems hell-bent on being the real life Cobra Commander.

Come on, buddy, isn't life hard enough without us having fucking Super Villains in the mix?

For fuck sakes.

I admit, I got no answer for this situation.

Send Snake-Eyes to stealthily sneak in, and throw a butterfly net over the fucker, I dunno....

And then there's...

Achma..ninna...Achma...neena...this douche.













Well, this situation is unfolding as I write this.
Maybe Iran is having that revolution they've been needing.
Hope so.
Go, protesters, go.

Russia.













I dunno, they've been acting....funny...again....

Come on, Russia, we were all done with this crap, why you want to start this shit again?

Fuck sakes....

Come on...

Just...COME ON!!

Jeez...

Seriously....

Anyhoo, on to..

China-











The elephant in the room no one wants to talk about.

They pretty much own us.

We can't beat 'em in a war, there's a billion of 'em.

It seems we're done for.

Will they be nice to us when they take over?

We don't even know.

We're too scared to even lose sleep over it.
It's too fucking big to take in.

But maybe the "solution", might be....

India.













They've got their eye on the prize too, there's a billion of them, but in their case, we're pretty decently sure they'll be nice to us when they take us over.

We're hoping they get custody.

But y'know who could fuck it up?

Pakistan.










Dammit, Pakistan.
Just....dammit.

Yeah, we could use that religion cure over there...but noo...

And while we're over in that neighborhood....

Afghanistan.











Our media won't even fucking tell us what's going on over there.

Yeah...that's...that's never a good sign.....

Well, fuzzy murmurs of the Taliban being reconstituted, and the opium fields back up to full production...

Then they race to tell us about Jon & Kate or some other meaningless circus shit to numb the gloom.

Oh yeah, almost forgot....

The Islamification of Europe!!!













Oh boy, won't this be some fun shit, huh?

Wake up, Limeys and Frenchies.
Wake up.
Clock's tickin'.


But, of course, none of that geo-political mess is going to matter when....

Peak Oil!!!!











...comes a-knockin!!!!

REEUUAAH-HOH-HOH-HOOHHH!!!!!











Whelp, if we'd spent the trillions we pissed away on all the wars and saber rattlings it took to keep the fucking oil flowing, and instead, invested it in battery advancement, and better solar panels, we'd have alternative energy right fucking now.

And fucking oil got us into most if not all the geo-political bullshit that's going on right now.

And how did that happen?
Greedy businessmen.
And politicians.

Think that shit's a spoilt white boy's whine now?

Yeah, how do you like that shit?
How do you like doomsday breathing down your neck?

Well, clearly we've got to get off the fossil fuels.

Right off of 'em.

......*shrug*...what? That's the answer, people.
You want some middle ground?
Ain't there.

Like the oil?
Oh, well, okay, thought you wanted solutions.
Let's keep guzzling oil 'til every drop is gone, and keep praying to an invisible man in the sky because it makes you happy, and gives you "purpose".

That's what's important.
Really.

And while we're on the subject of hurling thousands of tons of burnt dinosaurs into a paper thin layer of atmosphere....

Global Warming!!












Shut up, it's real, if you don't think so, get the fuck off my blog.
You're listening to bad information from a deliberately wicked political think-tank, or just plain horrible.
Either way, I don't wanna hear your shit.

Anyway, what's the solution?

Wheelll....if we did all the Al Gore tree-hugging shit tomorrow, it might still be too late.

Hey, y'know what'd help?
Some more requests to the invisible man in the sky.
I'm sure of it.
Really.

Okay, now on to the really fun stuff.....

Super Viruses!!











Yhep, yhep, yhep....

We could build flying electrical Jetsons cars, heal the environment, end all war, and then a pesky little microbe could just come right along, and turn our entrails into liquid shit blasting out of every hole, and maybe even under our fingernails.

Fun shit.

The cure?
A cure!!

And that takes scientists.
Shitloads of them.
And guess what? Biologists have to be up on evolution.
And that takes believing in it.
Which is handy, because it just happens to be fucking true.

But religion is fighting evolution, and science in general right now.
Yeah, that's helpful.
Thanks, religion.
Thanks.
For this, and all the wonderful things you bring.
Really.
Thanks.
You're just super.

Asteroid Collision!










This will take global cooperation, nuclear missles,...and....stuff......

Look, we're not prepared for this at all.

And we've got a contender too.
Apophis.

If this rock is gunning for us, all the shit I pointed out above won't matter.

But, it also follows, all the shit that shores up the fucking egos of the fucking people that beat you over the head day in, and day out, with their awful bullshit, your bosses, your unpleasant co-workers, message board douchebags, etc, etc, none of that matters either.

It's all a sick joke.

But it would be a sick joke even if Apophis wasn't barreling down.

This just puts it all into sharp contrast.

Thanks, Apophis.

I doff my hat to thee.


The Sun going Red Giant, and roasting The Earth.














Now, if we as a species manage to wriggle free of all the stupid and/or scary bullshit above, and whatever stupid/scary bullshit takes its place, and we manage to survive for 5 billion years, then this pleasant bit of business is staring at us.

Well, we'll just have to get the fuck out of here.

The starships had better be ready by then.

If religion and Republican-realpolitik hold us back so badly we're still on the stupid cars and airplane stage by 5 Billion AD, I'll be fucking pissed.


Collision with the Andromeda Galaxy.










Okay, so we survive all that shit, we've settled on thousands of new worlds, taken our place in the galactic confederation, and maybe even augmented ourselves with nano-tech, and become a whole new species.

And then this miserable bitch barrels down on us.

The universe does not give a flying fuck about us.

This, and the sun thing, and the asteroid thing are final proof.
Lose your fucking solipsism, relig-oids.
Seriously.
And look up solipsism on Wiki if the word is new to you.
It'll be illuminating.

In a universe of indifference, we have to look out for ourselves and each other all the more.

And it renders all the geo-politcal shit from the start all the more ridiculous.

It's intellectually Liliputian.

Anyway, if we manage to overthrow our collective stupidity, and make it this far, we'd better have the Google-Transwarp Arks ready.

We'd better not be stupidly squabbling over dilithium mining contracts or some shit.

Proton Decay, and Heat Death of The Universe.










After all the struggle, and conflict, and growth, finally, in the year Googleplex-Squajillion, matter itself runs out of juice, and the very fabric of reality dissolves like an Alka-Seltzer.

As a 21st century talking primate, I got no answer for this.

Ya got me.

I just added it for completeness, and for more contrast.


So that's all of what we're up against, my fellow monkeys.

And lo and behold, it does tie into the shit I've been talking about that I condensed into the seven slogan rants.

In the final measure, fear, ignorance, and greed really are the true enemy, folks.

What are we gonna do about it?

If the answer is tune it out, and live selfishly, despite your children not having a future if we don't do anything, then fuck you, I don't ever want to hear ego crap issue from your head.

That simple and basic to me.

There's no room for fevered egos.
And there's nowhere left to crap out bullshit.
The planet's too small now.

But...I'm a spoiled western white boy, what do I know, right?

Yeah....