Thursday, December 25, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Here be dragons.
In my advertising rant, I bemoaned the need for shows that teach critical thinking.
Well, here one finally is, and it's wonderful.
Exactly what I was hoping for.
Enjoy. :)
Read More......
Well, here one finally is, and it's wonderful.
Exactly what I was hoping for.
Enjoy. :)
Read More......
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Torrent of Obscenity!
Steve Torrent stared at the television.
The screen was showing a blank sheet of blue, as when modern tuners and/or VCRs are only getting static.
The cable was out.
It had been out for the past hour, and Steve had been staring that long, thinking to himself that at any second it would come back.
Suddenly, the phone rang, breaking the silence.
Steve picked it up with an annoyed hiss "hello?".
"Is your cable out too?", inquired his next door neighbor Susan.
"Yep", Steve replied.
"Well, I've called the cable company, and they said they're working on the lines".
"Ah", mumbled Steve.
"Well, I just wanted to see if yours was out too, or if was just me".
"Alright then".
"Bye".
"Bye".
God, Steve hated Susan, what a boring whore she was.
"Well, I guess I could go masturbate", said Steve aloud to no one in particular.
20 minutes later, Steve had long since finished masturbating, and the cable was still out, so he decided gloomily to go out for some fresh air.
As he walked down his driveway, and out onto the street, he observed how lovely the clouds were.
The kind of clouds that writers with expansive vocabularies, and pretentions to match, go on about for at least 5 pages.
Steve didn't care.
Fuck the clouds.
And fuck the cable company while he was at it.
"Y'know, I just might do that", he blurted out.
"Do what?", said Susan from her living room window, as Steve was now walking past her front yard.
"Shuddup".
"..oh.....okay then....", Susan stammared.
So, it was settled, Steve was going to go fuck the cable company.
"Cable's back on", said Susan.
So, Steve abruptly decided to abandon his plan, and ran like a man trying to stop his child from going over a cliff back inside his house.
All that was on that was remotly interesting was "Spies like us", on Comedy Central, wich Steve had seen 6 times, and had hated the first time.
Steve watched it anyway.
Almost near the end, the emergency broadcast system cut in.
"Muthafugga", grumbled Steve.
He turned off the TV, and headed to the bathroom to do some more masturbating.
That's right about when when the mushroom clouds blossomed.
Steve Torrent stared out the bathroom window.
He observed how lovely the mushroom clouds were.
The kind of mushroom clouds that those pretentious wordsmithing type writers go on about until they fill a coffee table book about Hiroshima.
The kind of coffee table book about Hiroshima you always get re-gifted for christmas from a distant cousin who doesn't give a damn, and then you end up re-re-gifting to the black sheep of the family.
The kind that was sitting on Steve's coffee table.
Steve didn't care.
Fuck the clouds.
The bathoom mirror was showing a blank sheet of blue, as when modern tuners and/or VCRs are only getting static.
Well, that coudn't be good.
It had been out for the past hour, and Steve had been staring that long, thinking to himself that at any second it would come back.
Suddenly, the phone rang, breaking the silence.
Steve picked it up with an annoyed mumbled curse.
"Hello?".
It was the usual crap.
Telemarketer sobbing his way through his scripted spiel.
Women screaming.
Weird baby noises from hell.
"Yep", Steve replied, not really paying attention.
Telemarketer still sobbing.
Something gurgling menacingly in the background.
That creepy little girl singing they put in horror movies.
"Ah", mumbled Steve.
Clanking of chains.
Hogs squealing.
Civil war ghosts singing some battle anthem.
"Alright then".
"Help us!".
"Bye".
God, Steve hated telemarketers, what with always calling at the worst possible time and all.
Steve went to hang up the phone, but it melted in his hand, and oozed between his fingers.
Just as well, he thought.
Steve went back to the bathroom to wash his hand, and to see how the mirror was doing.
The picture was back, but that reanimated mummified kid from his nightmares was staring back at him, so, losing patience, and all interest, he again decided gloomily to go out for some fresh air.
As he walked down his driveway, and out onto the street, he observed once again how lovely the clouds were.
And how there were all kinds of dead things in his yard.
Birds, bugs, housepets, about what one would expect.
Steve made a mental note about how he had never really noticed how many critters there were whizzing about at any one time until they were brought all together in one place by sudden snapshot death like this.
He also noticed Susan's house was ablaze, and nothing was moving inside.
"Good", he muttered with a satisfied smirk.
So, with that, he contemplated hopping into the car to make a beer run.
But instead, he opted to fly to the store with the array of super powers he had discovered while masturbating during the bombing.
A more wordy poetic person may have ruminated more about the experience of flying, but Steve had a goal, and preferred to focus on that.
When he got to the variety store, and made his way past the other looters, the only beer left was Budweiser.
No Colt 45, no Sam Adam's spring ale, no nothing.
Just stinkin' Budweiser.
Goddamned pisswater.
Steve did something he normally didn't do.
He fell to his knees and wept.
Wept in gut wracking hyperventilating sobs like a little boy.
No spring ale.
Christ.
Steve Torrent woke up in a cold sweat.
Christ, that dream had been real.
Suddenly, his survivalist instincts kicked into gear as he hurled off the sweat drenched covers, and ran like a madman to the kitchen.
He hurled open the refrigerator door to discover to his relief that he indeed had plenty of Sam Adams Spring Ale.
He collapsed right there on the kitchen floor, and wept with relief for about 15 minutes.
Eventually, he fell back to sleep in the living room recliner, but only ater having packed away 3 of his precious Spring Ales.
Dean Koontz could have his bloody Guiness Stout.
Sam Adams spring ale was DELICIOUS.
Guinness, not so much.
To put it nicely, wich Steve wouldn't have.
Steve dreamt of Dean Koontz being boiled alive in a big cauldron in Hell in a bubbling broth of Guiness by the fat guy from "Pee Wee's Big Adventure".
He slept like a lamb.
He slept the sleep of the just.
Clutching an empty Sam Adams bottle like a teddy bear.
End part 1.
Dick Cheny sat at his desk in a small office deep in the bowels of his bunker fortress.
In front of him, on his desk, was a small pile of file folders splayed out in order of interest.
The file on top, wich most drew his attention, was a file on possibly reviving "project shazam", to help in the fight against Al Queda.
Cheny looked up from the file "are you sure we can pull this off, Tim?".
Tim Waverly, former chief administrator of project shazam, crinkled his 50-something black-ops sociopath face into an unnatural creepy grin.
"Sure Dick, nothing to it. The procedure is simple, and the survival rate is pretty good. We've refined it over the years since Vietnam, and our scientists tell me we've got pretty much all the bugs worked out".
Cheny shook his head, and exhaled through his teeth in in awed wonder "and to think we once had our own superheroes".
"And we can have them again, and as many as we want", Waverly beamed while still displaying his incincere mummified rictus.
Colin Powell spoke up from the corner of the room " well, you'd better have 'refined the process', the last batch gradually lost their powers, went insane, and killed themselves".
"Not all of them", Waverly injected.
"Oh yes, there was the ONE, and he's a pathetic drunken degenerate".
"Look, as I said, we've improved the process since 'nam, we won't have such a high casualty rate this time", Waverly whipped his head to the left to face Cheny "give us a chance, Dick! The process works, it's safe, and we've got some great recruits lined up. Whaddya say?".
Cheny scribbled his signature in the right blanks, making sure to push hard enough to activate the carbon papers (of course) "let's roll", he said with a crackly mummy grin of his own.
Steve Torrent sat out on the veranda, sipping his mixed drink of indeterminate nature.
The clouds hung overhead tinged pink by the setting sun.
"Kool-Aid clouds", he had called them as a child.
Steve decided he actually felt good about it.
He liked Kool-Aid clouds.
Mushroom clouds, not so much.
But Kool-Aid clouds pleased him.
Reminded him of Bill Alexander paintings.
Suddenly, Steve heard a helicopter off in the distance.
He tried to tune it out, and meditate deeply, imagining himself riding one of the Kool-Aid clouds like a magic carpet.
But that damned helicopter just kept getting louder.
Soon, it was REALLY loud.
In an ominous way that told Steve it was about to land in his back yard.
Helicopter coming in for a landing in the back yard, that couldn't be good.
Past experince had tought Steve this.
Sure enough, the helicopter started coming in closer, and closer.
Louder and obnoxiously louder it's motor noise bacame, until the windows shook.
Finally, it wobbled to a landing.
His back yard was juuuust big enough for it to land in. Whoever was piloting it was damned good.
"Yep, black helicopter, not good, government, life's probably ruined, have to wait and see though", Steve mumbled to himself.
Tim Waverly got out of the copter.
"Yep, life's ruined alright, fuck", mumbled Steve sadly.
"Well, nothing to do but face the firing squad, here goes", Steve grunted with determination, as he stepped foreward to meet Waverly.
"Steve Torrent! Damn, it's been a long time, hasn't it old friend?", Waverly said with that phony mummy grin of his whilst extending his knobby kuckled old grim reaper hand for a shake.
Steve took the hand and gave it a couple quick pumps before letting go as quick as possible while at the same time not looking like he was hurling it away like a radioactive dog turd, wich was how he felt about shaking Waverly's evil talon.
"So, can I get you a drink?", Steve offered lazily, as if selecting from a computerized menu of lame pleasentries.
"No, that's okay, I prefer to get right down to business if you don't mind", Waverly said condescendingly.
"Alrighty then", Steve demurred.
Steve showed Waverly in through the sliding back door with an over dramatic Vanna White prize disply wave.
"You old piece of death! Trip and fall and break your hip. Come on, fall! Fall you bastard", Steve mentally hissed.
No dice, Waverly navigated the step up through the door just fine.
"Well, might as well go in and see what his 'business', is.
The fucking old reptile", Steve thought with a stomach yanking sense of morbid doom.
Tim Waverly looked at the man who had once been Earth's mightiest hero.
Pot bellied, bald as Kojak, bad posture, stubble faced, shuffling around in pajamas and a robe in the middle of the afternoon, and with a perpetual sneer on his lips as if he was always about to say "fuck you", to the world in general.
Steve raised his eyebrow, and widened his smirk "so, what's this all about? Bottle drive, Tom Watts, bowl-a-rama pledges"?
Waverly shrugged it off "your government needs you again".
Steve breathed a faint chuckle and sarcasticly parodied a line from Rambo "oh geez cap, can we get to WIN this time"?
Waverly raised HIS eyebrow this time "I don't see how you can be so bitter, look at what your government has given you, the juice has turned out to be a fountain of youth for you! Sure, you've abused yourself so you look like a man of 30 who looks like a man of 50, but the point is, you'd look a hell of a lot worse if you physically WERE 50 like you're supposed to be".
"Yeah, I get comments from my beautician all the time. Look, get to the point, why do you want my washed up obsolete zitty ass back in project shazam?", Steve paused in thought "something's gone wrong hasn't it? You've fucked up royally, and I've got to pull your ass out of the fire before the Prez finds out".
Waverly flinched.
"That's IT isn't it? So, what happened, another of your secret wars in South America got a little bloodier than expected, so you need Captain Blam to swoop in to save the day?"
"Something vaguely like that", Waverly said with a perfect poker face.
Waverly set his briefcase on the kitchen table, and opened it; suddenly, with a flicker of a few green LEDs, a 3-D hologram of Earth formed above the briefcase.
Steve grinned "nice toy, very Return Of The Jedi".
Waverly pulled a remote control out of the briefcase, and tapped a few buttons.
A spot in the Atlantic Ocean zoomed in until a tiny island became visible.
"As you've no doubt guessed, thanks to this whole Al-Qaeda business, the U.S. government has reactivated project shazam.
We used a new improved version of the juice to create a whole platoon of super soldiers.
Our intelligence told us that this island was being used as a base of operations for several cells of Al-Qaeda.
We sent in our Squadron Superior to bust it up. Unfortunately, the same old troublesome side effects of the juice came into play, and they all became homicidal berserkers.
Sure, they killed all the Al-Qaeda agents, went through 'em like butter, but then they kept on going from there, and now they've made themselves the warlords of this island. We've since lost contact, and one can only guess what they're plotting now".
Steve rubbed the bridge of his nose "I get it now, and since I'm the only one who has a freak immunity to the side effects of the juice, you want me to power up, and beat the super villains".
"Precisely", Waverly said with a grin.
That hideous grin.
Steve let out a morbid sigh "just what I need, more nightmare fuel".
Waverly blinked, and Steve could have swore he saw a third eyelid "will you help?", he asked in that phony elementary school counselor voice that all authority figures, self imagined or otherwise seemed to have been trained in from the age of six.
Steve rolled his eyes "what choice do I really have? Sign me up, and dose me up, I'll kill your malfunctioning toy soldiers for you before they pull a Dr. Doom on the planet. You'll save face with the big boss, I'll get to see the world, and collect some knick-knacks, maybe get a T-shirt, everyone's happy".
Waverly gave another of those ugly grins "excellent", he tapped some more buttons on his remote. The image of the Earth was replaced by an animation of a man being injected in the spine by an automated armiture "we've made a lot of improvements, and you'll be glad to know you won't have to withstand the spinal injections to recieve the juice".
Steve rolled his eyes again and smirked "goody".
Waverly continued "since you still have your neo-organs in place...", Waverly pressed some buttons, and the holographic man's abdomen became transparent, and then the image zoomed in so only the abdomen was visible. Then, the neo-organs in question lit up in day-glo green "...you needn't have to go through metabolizing the catylizing agent again. So, all you need to do now to reactivate your old powers is to take the juice, wich as I said has been improved apon, so you can either take it orally, or intraveinously".
Steve raised a hand "orally".
Waverly nodded "fine", he slid a box over to Steve "it's the same formula either way, you can empty the syringes into a drink, or dribble it right into your mouth. I'd recommend putting it into a drink myself, I hear it's nasty. Anyway, standard rules apply, take the juice, get a boost. Boost lasts 2-3 hours, side effects...well, you know about".
"Yeppers".
Waverly pulled out a piece of scrap paper, and jotted down something "so, show up at this address tommorrow morning at the time specified, and we'll give you the details of the operation, your equipment, and your particular objectives".
Steve gave a phony grin to match Waverly's "super, can't wait to get started".
They exchanged a few more fake pleasantires, and Waverly was escorted by goons back to the helicopter, and it took off.
"Fucken-a", Steve grumbled "I gotta get up at 8:00? Who's together by then?".
Steve pulled up his pants, and zipped his fly.
"Don't you be a stranger now, Steve", Susan said with a playful grin.
Steve tuned her out "say, did you see where my other shoe went?"
Susan reached underneath her 400 pound girth, and dug out Steve's shoe from a mystery fold "ah, here you go", she tossed it to him.
Steve caught it in mid air "yeah, thanks. So, same time next month?".
"If you want, but by my count, you're payed up for 3 months, but you can come by anytime you want".
"I'll take that under consideration", Steve lied.
Steve checked his watch "well, I gotta get up early tommorrow, starting a new job y'see".
Steve bolted out as casually as he could.
Well, at last the 'rent', was all paid up.
He had used the juice to make sure he had payed up extra in case he was gone longer than expected.
Oh lordy, how he hated 'rent' day.
Part 3.
In a way, Steve was glad to get several miles between him, and Obscenity Wyoming, but he'd always hoped it would be aboard a plane to Hawaii, or in an oversized casket.
Ah well, blackmail indentured black ops atomic supermen can't be choosers.
Steve listened to the soothing rythm of the train tracks, wich really wasn't soothing, because he was on a plane.
Staring out the window, he looked at the clouds.
"Clouds don't have to worry about tax returns, and staying clothed in public, they just go where the wind takes 'em", Steve whispered sadly.
Steve caught a couple hours of fitful shallow sleep, before the trouble happened.
He was awoken by alarm claxons, and people running around like chickens with their heads cut off.
He looked out the window, and saw the funnel of a big ass, mean ass tornado.
An angry savage motherfucker of a tornado.
The kind of tornado his dad had labeled "the eggbeater of God".
Christ, his dad said some stupid shit.
After calmly watching the captain throw a desperate tear soaked fuck into the stewardess for a couple minutes, he suddenly remembered the syringes of juice he had stored in one of the inner pockets of this denim jacket.
He pulled three of them out, and also pulled out his flask of rum he kept in the other pocket.
Then, he emptied the syringes into the rum, tossed them aside in turn, and took a belt off the flask.
He noted that outside the window, the plane was being sucked into the funnel of the tornado, and inside it's very heart there appeared to be an apature of purplish energy.
Just then, the effects of the juice started to hit him, and the victory theme from Popeye began to play in his head.
He looked out the window again, and the plane had long since passed into the purple vortex, and all kinds of trippy psychedelic energy patterns were swirling about, and buffetting the plane.
Steve guessed it really DIDN'T pay to take a shortcut through the Bermuda Triangle.
Steve felt a burning fevery itchy sensation, and noted that his muscles were enlarging, and his pot belly was metabolizing away like a warped version of a Charles Atlas ad on the back of a comic book.
Luckily for Steve, his polarized invulnerabilty aura had kicked in to full power, because just then, the plane ripped apart like a wet cardboard box in a wind tunnel.
As he was hurled about like a superball amongst the plasmatic paisleys of the Bermuda Triangle's wormhole, he suddenly remembered that he forgot to activate his VCR program to tape Osbournes before he left the house.
"Fuck!".
Tim Waverly stood anxiously at the doorway to Dick Cheny's office.
"Yes, Timington?", said Cheny.
Waverly cleared his throat "um, yeah, there's been a bit of a mess up".
Cheny adjusted his jacket "you mean worse than our super soldiers turning into super villains, and having to rely on Steve Torrent?".
Waverly thought for a second "well, let's put it this way, the good news is Steve Torrent is dead. The bad news is that Steve Torrent is dead".
Cheny sputtered "What!? How!?".
Waverly hung his head in fake empathy "freak tornado off the coast of Florida. Ate the plane like a cookie".
Cheny shook his head "well, that's just great. Well, then we'll fall back to plan B. Nuke the fucking island. Oh, and Waverly, you're fired. Security, escort Mr. Waverly to the parking lot".
"Arruuarraarrg!! Raarrr!! Snarrll!! Groooaar!!", said Waverly dissapointedly as he was dragged away.
Steve hammered the last bolt into place, stood back, and marveled at his handywork.
A steam powered spaceship.
And it had only taken 50 years, give or take a month.
Careful rationing of his remaining juice had slowed Steve's aging to a crawl, thus he'd only physically aged 17 years.
And most of that had been from the last 4 years since he'd run out of juice.
Gordon poked his head out a viewport "well cap, the problem we were having with the exhaust port is all patched up, we can take off at any time".
Gordon was the utah raptor Steve had raised from a hatchling.
First as a pet, then as a sort of adopted son.
He had taught him to speak english, then how to read and write, then math all the way up to calculus, physics, chemistry, melalurgy, and anything else he could think of.
Having Gordon around to talk to not only had made the last 25 years in the Jurrassic era bearable, but his help had been invaluable in constructing this ship.
It was slow going at first, but once they had gotten the smelting forge going, and the first steam generator had been built from the metal that had produced, things had run at an inevitable pace from there.
And now it was ready for it's first flight.
"Well then, fire her up, I'm coming aboard! To the future, or bust!".
The Kool-Aid clouds hung over Steve Torrent's house as if to say "where are ya, Steve? It's time for Osbournes!".
Suddenly, with a flash of pseudo lighting, a popping like a giant pickle jar being opened, and a big whiff of ozone, Steve's starship appeared in the sky.
But not the raw junky steam driven 'spaceship' of the jurrassic era.
No, this had undergone extensive refit in visits throughout time via guided wormhole jumps.
Now, it looked like an insane Picasso/Dali-esqe Frankenstienian kitbash of several ships from at least five different SF universes.
It sported the following upgrades.
Hull and frame reinforced with advanced materials, a fusion reactor, self repair nanobots, and a food and beverage nanobuilder all from the 24th century.
Tachyonic computers, and a quantum super-position hyperdrive from the 50th century.
An emergency escape quantum digiporter from the 100th century.
Telefractal shields from the 60th century.
Quark beam guns from the 30th century.
Superstring redshifting matter dissolver warheads from the 70th century.
And finally, a cloaking device from Reticulans in the 28th century.
And to top it all off, neon green racing flames painted on the sides, and red snake eyes on the front.
Baaaad asss!
Anyhoo, the ship wobbled to a landing in Steve's back yard, and then the cloak was switched on, perfectly concealing it's existance from the neighbors (who were miraculously all at work, or shopping at the moment).
A ramp lowered from the invisible ship, and a youthful, svelt, and spritely Steve Torrent (having been medically rejuvinated in the future) ran down said ramp, and to the varanda door, and into the living room of his house.
Steve did a Jackie Chan flip into his recliner, grabbed his remote, and put the Osbournes on.
"Try and make ME miss my fucking shows will you, government, history, and laws of physics? Well, I sure fucking showed you, cocksuckas! NO ONE makes Steve Torrent miss his shows!".
Gordon and Iggy (an evolved gorilla they met and picked up in one of the distant futures) caught up with him a few minutes later.
On the first commercial break, they got their snacks together, and began their path to pot bellied slothdom.
The American fucking dream.
Aw yeah!
Part 4.
"I'm bored, let's go commit crimes", said Steve through a mouthful of Doritos.
"What sort of crimes?", inquired Iggy.
Steve swallowed his Doritos "I dunno, maybe some murders. Y'know, good ones. And maybe if we can think of a way, one that violates the laws of time".
Gordon perked up from his TV stupor "hey, the other you hasn't got on his plane yet!".
Iggy stroked his chin thoughtfully "hey yeah, we could set the other Steve free, making a paradox, just to see what happens!".
Steve's eyes bugged excitedly "yeah! And we could kill everyone in sight to free me!".
Steve, Gordon, and Iggy stood in a triangular huddle and overlapped hands.
"EXCELSIOR!!!", they screamed triumphantly in unison.
The plan was under way.
Tim Waverly was about to lead Steve Torrent to the boarding ramp onto the plane, when suddenly, he heard sounds of violent struggle, followed by screams of anguished agonizing pain.
Just as he turned to see what was going on, a flash of someone or something running past unbelievably fast flicked past his peripheral vision, immediatly followed by the feeling of having a baseball bat whammed into his abdomen wich dropped him to his knees.
In the next few seconds, the impact zone across his body began to burn, burn, burn like...a cut!
Exactly the type of burning pain along the area of a cut, a razor cut to be exact.
It wasn't a blow,..it really WAS a CUT, his mind slowly assembled.
Then, the burning began to subside a teeny fraction, as it was washed with warm gushings of frothing blood.
Then, a hot excretion like feeling as his intestines spilled out, and onto the floor.
As Waverly began to sink into blackness, he heard more screams of terror and pain, an ugly merciless wet chopping sound, and assorted small arms fire.
The last thing he saw before blackness utterly swallowed his awareness was a head of a guard, severed at the upper jaw, rolling across the floor like a novelty bowling ball.
Steve wiped his gore soaked katana blade off onto Tim Waverly's corpse.
"Man! That was some great killing! I feel better already!", he exclaimed as he nodded to Iggy to hand him the decapitation clippers.
"I agree, this is some to the best killing I've been involved with since we left the Jurrassic era", said Gordon, picking bits of flesh from his teeth, and patting his belly.
Waverly's head came off with a satisfying celery-ish crunch as the clipper blades went through the bone with one easy snip.
"Nice little gadget. Best 350 bucks I ever spent", Steve said admiringly of the decapitation clippers.
Steve picked up the head "I'm gonna have this mounted, keep it in the den maybe. What do you guys think?".
"The den's the perfect place for it", chimed in Iggy.
Gordon belched, then said "So, how are we getting home? The Mamba's digitizer, or old Steve's car?".
Old Steve spoke up "ah, that explains the resemblence, you're me from the future. Hmmm, somewhere along the line I get youthified, do I?".
Young Steve responded "Yeah, pretty much so. This could get confusing. How about I go by Steve, and we call you Torrent?".
"Good enough ", said Torrent.
"Alrighty then", said Steve with a nod.
Steve then turned to finally answer Gordon's question "I guess we could all fit in the car. I dunno, using the teleport feels like using a cheat code in a game. Losing the feds on the road seems like it would be more exciting".
"Exactly what I would have said", injected Torrent.
"Alright, by car it is", replied Gordon.
"Will all our junk fit in the trunk?", asked Iggy as he crammed Waverly's saran-wrapped head into the same duffel bag as the guns, knives, and swords".
"It should", replied Steve and Torrent simultaneously.
This time, Torrent spoke alone "anyone got to piss before we go? Cuz I ain't stopping anywhere. You? You? You? No? Okay, we're on our way then".
Part 5.
Dick Cheny was watching events unfold on Fox News.
The news helicopter was showing images of a swath of utter destruction on the interstate highway.
Crashed and exploded cars strewn about as if tossed around by a tornado.
Exploded oil trucks.
Tanks torn apart by missle fire.
Crashed and smouldering black hawk helicopters.
And out at the leading edge of this wave of destruction, Steve Torrent's rusty beat up station wagon.
Cheny shook his head "well, that's just great. Well then, we'll fall back to plan B. Nuke the fucking island".
After losing what few cops and military personel were left alive in the whole state through some rural backroads, Torrent finally made it back to his house and parked in his garage.
Torrent ran inside, and went right back to watching his shows, whereas Steve, Gordon, and Iggy beamed back aboard the Green Mamba to see about extending it's shields around the house in case they somehow had still been followed by helicopters and such.
"I think time is catching back up, this is all starting to look and feel sorta familiar", Steve remarked to Gordon in mid-beam.
Gordon merely replied with a casual "if you say so, I just want to go poop".
The smart neutron missle was on its way at supersonic speeds to the troublesome island where the super villains were based.
The missle had a neural net CPU, and answered to the name "Joey", for that is the name it had chosen for itself.
Joey whistfully contemplated what it was going to be like in missle heaven once he martyred himself to strike a blow against the mutant infadels.
He wasn't really sure he believed the whole thing, really.
But, he gloomily decided that he'd find out soon enough.
Lord Fulcrum stood in the balcony of of his fortress of ultimate wickedness.
Behind him, in the throne room, were strewn the carcasses of his former compatriots.
He had drained their lifeforce, and thus assumed their individual special powers.
Now, he had every known super power.
The only limitation was that it was excruciatingly difficult to choose wich one to use at a time.
Moments ago, he had used his plastic powers to handsome-ize his face to look like Chris Sarandon.
But what next?
That question had been tormenting him now for several hours.
This train of thought was abruptly broken by his mega hearing and magna vision revealing a nuclear missle coming in fast.
Fulcrum chuckled incredulously "oh! REALLY!?".
Fulcrum attuned his aura to explode a pocket of air around him, creating a ramjet effect hurling him up into the air, and making him build speed until he easily matched the velocity of the missle.
Within a matter of seconds, he caught up beside it, and grabbed onto it.
With a couple microscopic precision laser vision zaps, he disabled it's neural net.
Then, with a good hard shove, the trajectory of wich was guided by his magna vision, he sent it hurtling back to America.
Obscenity Wyoming to be exact.
Fulcrum levitated in place, and clucked his tongue and mumbled "sad, and that's really the best they've got too".
Torrent stared grouchily at the TV.
All that was on that was remotly interesting was "Spies like us", on Comedy Central, wich Torrent had seen 6 times, and had hated the first time.
Torrent watched it anyway.
Almost near the end, the emergency broadcast system cut in.
"Muthafugga", grumbled Torrent.
He turned off the TV, and headed to the bathroom to do some more masturbating.
That's right about when when the mushroom clouds from the multiple neutron warheads of the Fulcrum lobbed missle blossomed.
As he watched the mushroom clouds gradually dissipate, he mumbled with mildly awed recognition as the final missing pieces to a mental puzzle finally tumbled into place "Ahah! The forcefield from the cloaked ship out back! THAT'S how I survived the bombing and the radiation! That part always bugged me. Now I know! Well, that's a load off my mind".
Steve Torrent felt energized.
Part 6.
Sweet Jesus, how can you miss it!?
Steve sat watching TV in the lounge area of the Green Mamba wich he had mocked up to be an exact replica of his living room.
Well, except for the classic Asteroids, Centipede, and Gauntlet machines.
Steve reached for the remote, but suddenly, the ship shook like a washing machine, making his other arm shake his bowl of popcorn all over the place.
"Oh!! Cock....SUCKA!!", exclaimed Steve indignantly.
He ran to the Asteroids machine, fiddled with the joystick, and tapped the right combo on the buttons, and called up the external sensor screen.
There on the screen was a mushroom cloud.
Steve nodded in comprehension and calmly uttered "ah, well that would explan some things".
Steve tapped another button combo, and saw that the ship's shields had maintained a safe radiation free environment in and around Torrent's house.
He waved at the screen dismissivly and grumbled "eh, he'll be alright", then tapped another button combo, called up shield control, and shrunk the shields so they just surrounded the ship, concentrating their protection.
Another button combo, and a navigation/steering control screen came up, and Steve immediatly began flying the ship upward, and towards the projected origin point of the missle.
Iggy and Gordon raced to the lounge/bridge, and instinctivly took their positions at the Centipede and Gauntlet machines.
"Time for a little game of Global Thermal Nuclear War, fellas", Steve remarked with a sardonic smirk.
Gordon twisted his raptor face into a rough approximation of a smirk in return "how about a game of chess?".
Steve breathed a faint inaudable chuckle "not this time good buddy, maybe next time".
The Green Mamba continued to gain speed, and hurtled inexerably closer to the source of the missle.
And the source was waiting, with cold robotic patience.
Wearing Chris Sarandon's face.
And Shaq's pecker.
Just like one would expect evil incarnate to be.
Gordon craned his head to face Steve and said "wait, why don't we just use the Bermuda triangle to go back and stop the missle?".
Steve grimaced "well YEAH, we COULD if we wanted to do it the EASY way...".
Gordon stared him down.
"....oh, alright, I suppose we could", Steve completed with an accompanying eye roll.
Joey was on his way at supersonic speeds to the troublesome island where the super villains were based.
He whistfully contemplated what it was going to be like in missle heaven once he martyred himself to strike a blow against the mutant infadels.
He wasn't really sure he believed the whole thing, really.
But, he gloomily decided that he'd find out soon enough.
Suddenly, he was abruptly and violently yanked to a sudden stop.
He turned the angle of is scanner to see that a decent sized spaceship was holding him in place with a blue energy beam.
The ship was M&M shaped, and about the size of an average McDonalds.
It's finish was mostly metallic black, but on the front end it was metallic green gradiating to the black side with flames. The flames also extended along the sides.
On the green front area were what looked two red demon eyes, wich glowed in such a way as it was clear they were some kind of emitter diodes, possibly energy weapons.
In between the eyes was what looked like a spoiler.
Along the very lip of the saucer, in front of the "eyes", and spoiler, was a chrome bumper, sculpted to look like it had snake fangs.
Protruding from the ship in the back were what looked like 2 drag racing rocket turbines, and on top of each turbine, was a chrome fin. In the same general area as the turbines, but on the underside, were what appeared to be folded up legs with giant sneaker like feet.
Protruding from the front on the underside of the bumper, were small robotic arms with disproportionatly big hands.
The elbows were tucked in, and each hand was holding what appeared to be a giant revolver.
In between the arms, right under the bumper was the seam for what appeared to be a closed ramp. This ramp, combined with the fanged bumpers, was clearly meant to give the image of a mouth.
This ship was one mean mother.
Tracing the path of the tractor beam, joey saw that it was being emitted from an almost invisibly small emitter centimeters under the bumper, almost tucked under it.
He had to zoom several magnifications to get a good look at it.
Joey wasn't really enthusiastic about his mission, so he didn't struggle much as the ramp opened, and he was towed into it's bay.
Iggy stepped back from his labors at the Gauntlet console.
"I'll go deprogram the missle, I have a degree in psychiatry", he said, before jogging down to the hold.
Steve nodded, and lazily muttered "you go do that", then went back to playing Asteroids.
Steve didn't know how long he had lost himself in blasting away at Asteroids, but suddenly, the Green Mamba started to shake violently.
Steve switched the game screen over to external scanner mode.
"Ah, there's the problem, a flying Chris Sarandon in a maskless Darth Vader suit with Superman powers is beating up the ship".
Steve called up a series of menus, and keyed in the proper commands to make the external robot arms swat at Fulcrum.
"Come on, evil Chris Sarandon Superman, get off the frigging hull! Christ, this thing is worse than a bee!".
Steve fired one of the thrusters, making the ship spin, and finally hurling Fulcrum loose.
Then, he stabilized, and made the right robot arm aim it's six-shooter at Fulcrum, and fired.
The bullets of said gun were of course the superstring redshifting matter dissolver warheads from the 70th century.
The torpedo hit him dead on, and made a bright purple starburst.
Unfortunatly, when the flash cleared, Fulcrum was still there.
His invulnerability aura, magnified by the absorbed lifeforce all of the other super soldiers had protected him.
But even then, the blast had hurt like a bitch.
And now, as an inevitable result, he was pissed.
Steve could tell, because now, he looked like the vampire morphed version of Chris Sarandon from "Fright Night".
Steve did something he rarely did anymore.
He raised an eyebrow.
"Alright, fuck this shit", Steve hissed.
Steve took the ship into a dive towards Fulcrum at ramming speed, and then apon impact, made the left robot arm swoop down around Fulcrum's neck into a choke hold, effectivly making the ship tackle Fulcrum.
"Let's see how you like THIS hot chocolate, muthafuckaaa!", Steve growled with a crazed look in his eyes.
Gordon looked over from the Centipede machine "that didn't even..".
"SHUT UP, BITCH!!!", screamed Steve as he rammed the joystick foreward, sending the ship hurtling toward the Bermuda triangle.
Within 15 seconds, they penetrated the singularity.
Steve still had that creepy gleam in his eyes as he uttered "I'll just take him all the way back to the big bang, and let the cleansing light of Jesus roast his FUCKIN ass! Oh YEAH!".
Gordon backed away slowly and carefully.
Suddenly, Iggy walked in, followed by Joey the missle who was using his rocket engine on low power to hover upright.
"Well, it worked, I was able to resolve our friend's parental abuse issues, and thus was able to deprogram his indoctrination", beamed Iggy proudly.
"Lovely", Steve said, and then immediatly knocked Iggy out with a stun pulse from his portable microwaver box "now go to sleep".
Joey looked down at Iggy, then back up at Steve "geez, that wasn't very..".
Steve held up his weapon and cut him off "you want some?".
Joey made a sound like a sigh "..okay, I'll just be quiet now, and sit over here...".
Just then, Fulcrum tore the left arm of the ship off.
Steve's reflexes were quick, and he immediatly made the right arm whip around, and blast him with another superstring redshifter bullet.
Fulcrum hurtled off into the paisley void being buffeted around like a pinball.
Steve lost sight of him very quickly.
"Well, that's the end of all that", Steve said with little satisfaction.
"Time to go home".
The ride back through the wormhole was quiet and awkward.
Steve turned on some 80's music to fill the silence.
"Here we go, making our way back out", Steve suddenly announced five songs later.
"What the..!!?", Steve exclaimed.
"What?", Gordon inquired nervously.
Steve fiddled with the controls, and patched his sensor image into the big screen TV for everyone to see.
In place of the Obscenity Wyoming they knew, was a sprawling futuristic city straight out of the Star Wars prequels.
And worse, featured prominantly was a giant Liberty sized statue of Lord Fulcrum.
"Muthafugga", grumbled Steve.
He turned off the TV, and headed to the bathroom to do some more masturbating.
That's right about when when the defense fleet opened fire.
"Mah-velous!", Fulcrum chuckled to himself, as he stood with his fists on his hips, and watched admirably as a group of six fighters towed the broken hull of the Green Mamba with criss-crossed tractor beams in towards the landing strip atop his fortress.
Soon, the beaten and humiliated Steve Torrent would be brought before him in kinetic binders, and then this whole little melodrama could finally come to an end.
He titilated himself with various grand dragged out torture scenarios, but ultimatly, he realized that the dying was all that mattered.
He no longer cared if Torrent wept, or sniveled, or drown in his vomit, or cursed his forefathers and political philosophy, or whatever before his passing.
So long as he simply died.
After millenia of waiting, with rewriting history to suit him as his only pastime to ease the crushing boredom, Fulcrum just wanted it over with.
Steve Torrent began to walk down the landing strip from the battered hulk of the Green Mamba, his hands bound in bulky handcuffs, wich contained kinetic redistribution fields akin to the particle shielding on the Mamba.
Steve was followed by Gordon, then Iggy, and heading up the rear, Joey.
Just then, all three of them dissolved in a whisp of teleporter sparkles.
"What the fuck!?!?", screamed Fulcrum.
A fully repaired duplicate of the Green Mamba decloaked overhead, and then shot away, building up to mach 2 in a matter of seconds.
"Cocksuckaaaaaa!!!", wailed Fulcrum with enraged despair, as he fell to his knees, and pounded fitfully at the macadam.
Once the sparkles cleared, Steve looked around, and saw he was again on the bridge of the Green Mamba.
But, some things had changed.
For one, everything was in perfect repair again, and second some systems had been upgraded with various extra sticky-out doodads who's function he could only speculate on.
"Allow me to explain", said a voice behind him.
Steve whirled around to see yet another duplicate of himself.
This version had all his hair, but it was greying at the temples.
Steve instantly understood "ah, time travel, should have guessed", he said with a simultaneously satisfied and annoyed smirk.
The other Steve spoke "yes, I'm you from the future where I had to escape from Fulcrum, defeat him, steal back the Mamba, and do various thankless quests and monkey jobs to pay for it's repair and upgrade".
The first Steve replied "and let me guess, like everything else we get stuck doing, it took a decade or two, so you figured you'd speed up the process".
"Exactly", replied Steve-2.
"We always were impatient, weren't we?", replied Steve-1 "Hmm, say, we've got to sort out the name thing again, what should I call you?".
"Well, we haven't used my middle name yet".
"Reinhold?", okay, fine, you be Reinhold, I'll be Steve.
"Dammit, I wanted to be Steve", whined Reinhold.
Steve smirked "y'know, you'd think I'd be sympathetic, but I ain't".
"We never are", said Reinhold with a duplicate smirk.
"That's what makes us so fucking cool", said Steve, imitating Fulcrum's fist on hips pose.
"I think I may retch soon", commented Gordon.
"Shut up, Polack!", shouted Steve and Reinhold in unison.
Steve heard footsteps, and turned his head to see their source.
In walked the crew of the future Green Mamba.
A future version of Gordon with a mustache, and grey hair on his temples, a humanoid/mantid robot with a metalic navy blue finish with black trim, who Steve conjectured was a memodled version of Joey, and a short skinny blonde woman with short spiky hair, wearing a red usherette uniform, complete with organ grinder monkey hat, and white gloves.
Steve started to speak "who's..".
Reinhold interrupted him with a harsh whisper "that's our wife, Karen. We met her in this Fulcrum world", Reinhold then lowered his voice to a softer whisper "and she's into dirty Sanchez".
Steve whispered back "but I hate dirty Sanchez".
Reinhold nodded, and whispered "I still do, but she keeps asking anyway, and I keep saying no, it's really disturbing".
"Why are you telling me all this?", Steve asked.
"Just thought I'd prepare you", Reinhold said with a wink.
Reinhold then walked Steve over, and introduced him to everyone in turn.
The robot was indeed a remodeled Joey, apparently, he had plugged into the ship's computer, and used it's self repair nanites to rebuild himself.
Older Gordon was indeed older Gordon.
Then there was Karen.
Then, it finally jumped out in Steve's memory what was bothering him.
"Hey, where's Iggy?", he asked.
Reinhold got a guilty look on his face.
"Well y'see, in one of our adventures, Fulcrum tried to shoot me with this ray, and Iggy jumped out in front of it...".
Steve interrupted "so,...he was killed??".
His eyes began to water, and all the memories flooded in of what a deep complex gorilla/person he was, and all the good times they had shared, and all the character growth he had undergone thanks to lessons learned from Iggy.
Reinhold spoke up "oh no, he wasn't killed, see what the ray did, was turn him into a frog. Took us ages to figure out how it was done. Eventually, we were able to figure out that the ray used intermediate vector bosons to cause his lysosomes to emulsify. Of course by then, he was dead. Joey accidentally stepped on him".
Joey hung his head.
Steve fell to his knees, and wept.
Karen walked over, and hugged him, and patted his shoulder.
Then she propositioned him for some dirty sanchez, and Cleveland steamers.
Steve wept even harder.
God, how he wished he had his Sam Adams spring ale right now.
No spring ale.
Christ.
Minutes later, just before Fulcrum's royal defense fleet could catch up, and get another weapons lock, the Mamba vanished once again into the Bermuda triangle.
Reinhold stood at the controls with relaxed confidence.
"We can't ever truly be sure how far back in time Fulcrum went, but given the architecture and cultural stage of his world, it had to be somewhere within the era of man for him to build apon. Therefore, if we go for broke, and go way back to before the existance of humanity, we can cut off his influence at a closer shutoff valve as it were", he explained matter of factly.
Steve hammered the last bolt into place, stood back, and marveled at his handywork.
A steam powered spaceship.
And it had only taken 50 years, give or take a month.
Gordon poked his head out a viewport "well cap, the problem we were having with the exhaust port is all patched up, we can take off at any time".
"Well then, fire her up, I'm coming aboard! To the future, or bust!".
Suddenly, with a flash of pseudo lighting, a popping like a giant pickle jar being opened, and a big whiff of ozone, a strange starship with the appearance of a mechanical frog appeared in the sky.
Gordon ran down the ramp, and stood next to Steve to get a better look.
The strange ship unfolded it's robotic legs, and proceeded to land right on top of their steam ship, crushing it like a balsa wood model.
Steve fell to his knees and wept, bemoaning not for the first time, his lack of spring ale.
Then, with a flurry of purple sparkles, and a quick whiff of ozone, eight persons stood before him, presumedly, the occupants of this strange craft.
His jaw dropped in shocked recognition when he saw who it was.
A younger skinnier version of himself (but still bald), an older version of that younger version (but with hair!), an identical copy of Gordon, except with a raygun slung on his hip in a custom houlster, another copy of Gordon, but with a mustache, and patches of grey hair on the sides of his head, a gorilla in a sweater and khakis, a vertically hovering nuclear missle with what appeared to be sad glowing blue eyes, a blue metalic robot with those same eyes, and a woman in an usherette outfit.
Steve instantly understood "ah, time travel, should have guessed", he said with a simultaneously satisfied and annoyed smirk.
Later that night, after averyone had been introduced, and the spagetti of timelines they had originated from had been properly explained, Steve and Gordon (the ones native to this jurassic timeline) snuck away, wich was easy with the confusion of two extra Steves and Gordons running around, and stole the Green Mamba.
Now, they were on their way to the Bermuda triangle, and then, hopefully home.
Suddenly, Steve heard footsteps, and turned his head to see their source.
In walked Karen, and robot form Joey.
Apparently, she had been sleeping, and Joey had been recharging.
A quick lie about deciding to shave his head, and everything seemed to be okay.
A few minutes later, they crossed the threshold of the wormhole, and on their way back to 2003.
But, when they emerged, they found yet another alien world.
It looked like a city made of upside down shampoo droplets.
Steve smacked his forehead "RIGHT! I left everyone behind. I should've figured their descendants and technology would screw things up. Just goes to show what happens when I rush into things without thinking".
"Sonovabitch! I knew that 'shaved my head' story was bullshit!", screamed Karen.
Steve rolled his eyes "oh come on, like it matters, I'm the same guy".
Karen thought for a moment "yeah, you're right. Um...sorry..honey...I guess".
Steve nodded "alright then".
Eventually, they found what looked like a landing strip, and brought the ship to rest on it.
They were greeted by a group of five humanoids with lizard skin wearing white robes who could only be dinosaur descended (in Steve's estimation anyway).
One of them produced a glass pyramid from a pocket in his robe which proceeded to project a series of holographic images wich explained their evolution and history, and said something or other about that they were the ones who built the wormhole machine that generated the temporal wormhole in the Bermuda triangle.
Something like that, Steve wasn't really paying attention.
He had Joey Tivo it with his computer brain for later.
The details didn't matter, because the part that DID catch his attention, was that they had the technology to switch between the various timelines created by travel throught he wormhole, wich meant they could finally go home!
And that technology was the holographic glass pyramid itself!
Steve snatched it like a starving bread thief, and ran back to the Mamba with it.
Within scant moments, he had it rigged up to an optical chip reader, the code hacked into, the software interfaced with, and the shields modulated by that software to tune the ship back into thier timeline once they jumped through the wormhole.
A few scant moment later, Karen and Joey were aboard, and scant moments after that, they had taken off, and were under way.
"Alright, fuck this shit", Steve hissed.
Steve took the ship into a dive towards Fulcrum at ramming speed, and then apon impact, made the left robot arm swoop down around Fulcrum's neck into a choke hold, effectivly making the ship tackle Fulcrum.
"Let's see how you like THIS hot chocolate, muthafuckaaa!", Steve growled with a crazed look in his eyes.
Gordon looked over from the Centipede machine "that didn't even..".
"SHUT UP, BITCH!!!", screamed Steve as he rammed the joystick foreward, sending the ship hurtling toward the Bermuda triangle.
Within 15 seconds, they penetrated the singularity.
15 seconds later, the Green Mamba carrying Steve, Karen, Gordon, and robot Joey, emerged from the singularity.
Torrent stared grouchily at the TV.
All that was on that was remotely interesting was "Spies like us", on Comedy Central, wich Torrent had seen 6 times, and had hated the first time.
Torrent watched it anyway.
When it got over, he went to masturbate.
Suddenly, with a flash of pseudo lighting, a popping like a giant pickle jar being opened, and a big whiff of ozone, the Mamba appeared in the sky over Torrent's house.
The ship wobbled to a landing in Steve's back yard, and then the cloak was switched on, perfectly concealing it's existance from the neighbors (who were miraculously all at work, or shopping at the moment).
A ramp lowered from the invisible ship, and a youthful, svelt, and spritely Steve Torrent ran down said ramp, and to the varanda door, and into the living room of his house.
Steve did a Jackie Chan flip into his recliner, grabbed his remote, and put the Osbournes on.
"Try and make ME miss my fucking shows will you, government, history, and laws of physics? Well, I sure fucking showed you, cocksuckas! NO ONE makes Steve Torrent miss his shows!".
Karen, Gordon, and Joey caught up with him a few minutes later.
Torrent flushed, and emerged from the bathroom.
He saw his strange new guests, and instantly understood "ah, time travel, should have guessed", he said with a simultaneously satisfied and annoyed smirk.
On the first commercial break, they got their snacks together, and began their path to pot bellied slothdom.
While they did so, they seemed utterly oblivious to Torrent stealing the Mamba.
They wouldn't have cared anyway, he could have the damned thing, adventures sucked.
Watching TV was what life was really all about.
Then, something horrible happened on the TV.
Worse than the emergency broadcast system.
Jack killed Minnie.
Karen burst into hysterics, Steve held her, and began himself to weep, weep with gut wracking mucousy sobs like a little boy.
Joey suddenly had an idea.
He'd end their pain.
He activated his neutron detonater.
The pain only lasted a nanosecond, and then there was finally peace.
Torrent stared grouchily at the TV.
"So...Jack DIDN'T kill Minnie? Ah, it was all a joke! Well that's just sick!".
Torrent admired his lovely new mansion he had purchased with his profits from going back in time, and investing in IBM and Microsoft when they started.
The investment capital he had aquired with a quick liquer store robbery.
His counterparts were wrong.
Watching TV WASN'T what life was really all about.
Watching TV in A MANSION was what life was really all about.
And he proceeded to do so.
Forever, until one day, he happily died.
THE END!!!!!
Read More......
The screen was showing a blank sheet of blue, as when modern tuners and/or VCRs are only getting static.
The cable was out.
It had been out for the past hour, and Steve had been staring that long, thinking to himself that at any second it would come back.
Suddenly, the phone rang, breaking the silence.
Steve picked it up with an annoyed hiss "hello?".
"Is your cable out too?", inquired his next door neighbor Susan.
"Yep", Steve replied.
"Well, I've called the cable company, and they said they're working on the lines".
"Ah", mumbled Steve.
"Well, I just wanted to see if yours was out too, or if was just me".
"Alright then".
"Bye".
"Bye".
God, Steve hated Susan, what a boring whore she was.
"Well, I guess I could go masturbate", said Steve aloud to no one in particular.
20 minutes later, Steve had long since finished masturbating, and the cable was still out, so he decided gloomily to go out for some fresh air.
As he walked down his driveway, and out onto the street, he observed how lovely the clouds were.
The kind of clouds that writers with expansive vocabularies, and pretentions to match, go on about for at least 5 pages.
Steve didn't care.
Fuck the clouds.
And fuck the cable company while he was at it.
"Y'know, I just might do that", he blurted out.
"Do what?", said Susan from her living room window, as Steve was now walking past her front yard.
"Shuddup".
"..oh.....okay then....", Susan stammared.
So, it was settled, Steve was going to go fuck the cable company.
"Cable's back on", said Susan.
So, Steve abruptly decided to abandon his plan, and ran like a man trying to stop his child from going over a cliff back inside his house.
All that was on that was remotly interesting was "Spies like us", on Comedy Central, wich Steve had seen 6 times, and had hated the first time.
Steve watched it anyway.
Almost near the end, the emergency broadcast system cut in.
"Muthafugga", grumbled Steve.
He turned off the TV, and headed to the bathroom to do some more masturbating.
That's right about when when the mushroom clouds blossomed.
Steve Torrent stared out the bathroom window.
He observed how lovely the mushroom clouds were.
The kind of mushroom clouds that those pretentious wordsmithing type writers go on about until they fill a coffee table book about Hiroshima.
The kind of coffee table book about Hiroshima you always get re-gifted for christmas from a distant cousin who doesn't give a damn, and then you end up re-re-gifting to the black sheep of the family.
The kind that was sitting on Steve's coffee table.
Steve didn't care.
Fuck the clouds.
The bathoom mirror was showing a blank sheet of blue, as when modern tuners and/or VCRs are only getting static.
Well, that coudn't be good.
It had been out for the past hour, and Steve had been staring that long, thinking to himself that at any second it would come back.
Suddenly, the phone rang, breaking the silence.
Steve picked it up with an annoyed mumbled curse.
"Hello?".
It was the usual crap.
Telemarketer sobbing his way through his scripted spiel.
Women screaming.
Weird baby noises from hell.
"Yep", Steve replied, not really paying attention.
Telemarketer still sobbing.
Something gurgling menacingly in the background.
That creepy little girl singing they put in horror movies.
"Ah", mumbled Steve.
Clanking of chains.
Hogs squealing.
Civil war ghosts singing some battle anthem.
"Alright then".
"Help us!".
"Bye".
God, Steve hated telemarketers, what with always calling at the worst possible time and all.
Steve went to hang up the phone, but it melted in his hand, and oozed between his fingers.
Just as well, he thought.
Steve went back to the bathroom to wash his hand, and to see how the mirror was doing.
The picture was back, but that reanimated mummified kid from his nightmares was staring back at him, so, losing patience, and all interest, he again decided gloomily to go out for some fresh air.
As he walked down his driveway, and out onto the street, he observed once again how lovely the clouds were.
And how there were all kinds of dead things in his yard.
Birds, bugs, housepets, about what one would expect.
Steve made a mental note about how he had never really noticed how many critters there were whizzing about at any one time until they were brought all together in one place by sudden snapshot death like this.
He also noticed Susan's house was ablaze, and nothing was moving inside.
"Good", he muttered with a satisfied smirk.
So, with that, he contemplated hopping into the car to make a beer run.
But instead, he opted to fly to the store with the array of super powers he had discovered while masturbating during the bombing.
A more wordy poetic person may have ruminated more about the experience of flying, but Steve had a goal, and preferred to focus on that.
When he got to the variety store, and made his way past the other looters, the only beer left was Budweiser.
No Colt 45, no Sam Adam's spring ale, no nothing.
Just stinkin' Budweiser.
Goddamned pisswater.
Steve did something he normally didn't do.
He fell to his knees and wept.
Wept in gut wracking hyperventilating sobs like a little boy.
No spring ale.
Christ.
Steve Torrent woke up in a cold sweat.
Christ, that dream had been real.
Suddenly, his survivalist instincts kicked into gear as he hurled off the sweat drenched covers, and ran like a madman to the kitchen.
He hurled open the refrigerator door to discover to his relief that he indeed had plenty of Sam Adams Spring Ale.
He collapsed right there on the kitchen floor, and wept with relief for about 15 minutes.
Eventually, he fell back to sleep in the living room recliner, but only ater having packed away 3 of his precious Spring Ales.
Dean Koontz could have his bloody Guiness Stout.
Sam Adams spring ale was DELICIOUS.
Guinness, not so much.
To put it nicely, wich Steve wouldn't have.
Steve dreamt of Dean Koontz being boiled alive in a big cauldron in Hell in a bubbling broth of Guiness by the fat guy from "Pee Wee's Big Adventure".
He slept like a lamb.
He slept the sleep of the just.
Clutching an empty Sam Adams bottle like a teddy bear.
End part 1.
Dick Cheny sat at his desk in a small office deep in the bowels of his bunker fortress.
In front of him, on his desk, was a small pile of file folders splayed out in order of interest.
The file on top, wich most drew his attention, was a file on possibly reviving "project shazam", to help in the fight against Al Queda.
Cheny looked up from the file "are you sure we can pull this off, Tim?".
Tim Waverly, former chief administrator of project shazam, crinkled his 50-something black-ops sociopath face into an unnatural creepy grin.
"Sure Dick, nothing to it. The procedure is simple, and the survival rate is pretty good. We've refined it over the years since Vietnam, and our scientists tell me we've got pretty much all the bugs worked out".
Cheny shook his head, and exhaled through his teeth in in awed wonder "and to think we once had our own superheroes".
"And we can have them again, and as many as we want", Waverly beamed while still displaying his incincere mummified rictus.
Colin Powell spoke up from the corner of the room " well, you'd better have 'refined the process', the last batch gradually lost their powers, went insane, and killed themselves".
"Not all of them", Waverly injected.
"Oh yes, there was the ONE, and he's a pathetic drunken degenerate".
"Look, as I said, we've improved the process since 'nam, we won't have such a high casualty rate this time", Waverly whipped his head to the left to face Cheny "give us a chance, Dick! The process works, it's safe, and we've got some great recruits lined up. Whaddya say?".
Cheny scribbled his signature in the right blanks, making sure to push hard enough to activate the carbon papers (of course) "let's roll", he said with a crackly mummy grin of his own.
Steve Torrent sat out on the veranda, sipping his mixed drink of indeterminate nature.
The clouds hung overhead tinged pink by the setting sun.
"Kool-Aid clouds", he had called them as a child.
Steve decided he actually felt good about it.
He liked Kool-Aid clouds.
Mushroom clouds, not so much.
But Kool-Aid clouds pleased him.
Reminded him of Bill Alexander paintings.
Suddenly, Steve heard a helicopter off in the distance.
He tried to tune it out, and meditate deeply, imagining himself riding one of the Kool-Aid clouds like a magic carpet.
But that damned helicopter just kept getting louder.
Soon, it was REALLY loud.
In an ominous way that told Steve it was about to land in his back yard.
Helicopter coming in for a landing in the back yard, that couldn't be good.
Past experince had tought Steve this.
Sure enough, the helicopter started coming in closer, and closer.
Louder and obnoxiously louder it's motor noise bacame, until the windows shook.
Finally, it wobbled to a landing.
His back yard was juuuust big enough for it to land in. Whoever was piloting it was damned good.
"Yep, black helicopter, not good, government, life's probably ruined, have to wait and see though", Steve mumbled to himself.
Tim Waverly got out of the copter.
"Yep, life's ruined alright, fuck", mumbled Steve sadly.
"Well, nothing to do but face the firing squad, here goes", Steve grunted with determination, as he stepped foreward to meet Waverly.
"Steve Torrent! Damn, it's been a long time, hasn't it old friend?", Waverly said with that phony mummy grin of his whilst extending his knobby kuckled old grim reaper hand for a shake.
Steve took the hand and gave it a couple quick pumps before letting go as quick as possible while at the same time not looking like he was hurling it away like a radioactive dog turd, wich was how he felt about shaking Waverly's evil talon.
"So, can I get you a drink?", Steve offered lazily, as if selecting from a computerized menu of lame pleasentries.
"No, that's okay, I prefer to get right down to business if you don't mind", Waverly said condescendingly.
"Alrighty then", Steve demurred.
Steve showed Waverly in through the sliding back door with an over dramatic Vanna White prize disply wave.
"You old piece of death! Trip and fall and break your hip. Come on, fall! Fall you bastard", Steve mentally hissed.
No dice, Waverly navigated the step up through the door just fine.
"Well, might as well go in and see what his 'business', is.
The fucking old reptile", Steve thought with a stomach yanking sense of morbid doom.
Tim Waverly looked at the man who had once been Earth's mightiest hero.
Pot bellied, bald as Kojak, bad posture, stubble faced, shuffling around in pajamas and a robe in the middle of the afternoon, and with a perpetual sneer on his lips as if he was always about to say "fuck you", to the world in general.
Steve raised his eyebrow, and widened his smirk "so, what's this all about? Bottle drive, Tom Watts, bowl-a-rama pledges"?
Waverly shrugged it off "your government needs you again".
Steve breathed a faint chuckle and sarcasticly parodied a line from Rambo "oh geez cap, can we get to WIN this time"?
Waverly raised HIS eyebrow this time "I don't see how you can be so bitter, look at what your government has given you, the juice has turned out to be a fountain of youth for you! Sure, you've abused yourself so you look like a man of 30 who looks like a man of 50, but the point is, you'd look a hell of a lot worse if you physically WERE 50 like you're supposed to be".
"Yeah, I get comments from my beautician all the time. Look, get to the point, why do you want my washed up obsolete zitty ass back in project shazam?", Steve paused in thought "something's gone wrong hasn't it? You've fucked up royally, and I've got to pull your ass out of the fire before the Prez finds out".
Waverly flinched.
"That's IT isn't it? So, what happened, another of your secret wars in South America got a little bloodier than expected, so you need Captain Blam to swoop in to save the day?"
"Something vaguely like that", Waverly said with a perfect poker face.
Waverly set his briefcase on the kitchen table, and opened it; suddenly, with a flicker of a few green LEDs, a 3-D hologram of Earth formed above the briefcase.
Steve grinned "nice toy, very Return Of The Jedi".
Waverly pulled a remote control out of the briefcase, and tapped a few buttons.
A spot in the Atlantic Ocean zoomed in until a tiny island became visible.
"As you've no doubt guessed, thanks to this whole Al-Qaeda business, the U.S. government has reactivated project shazam.
We used a new improved version of the juice to create a whole platoon of super soldiers.
Our intelligence told us that this island was being used as a base of operations for several cells of Al-Qaeda.
We sent in our Squadron Superior to bust it up. Unfortunately, the same old troublesome side effects of the juice came into play, and they all became homicidal berserkers.
Sure, they killed all the Al-Qaeda agents, went through 'em like butter, but then they kept on going from there, and now they've made themselves the warlords of this island. We've since lost contact, and one can only guess what they're plotting now".
Steve rubbed the bridge of his nose "I get it now, and since I'm the only one who has a freak immunity to the side effects of the juice, you want me to power up, and beat the super villains".
"Precisely", Waverly said with a grin.
That hideous grin.
Steve let out a morbid sigh "just what I need, more nightmare fuel".
Waverly blinked, and Steve could have swore he saw a third eyelid "will you help?", he asked in that phony elementary school counselor voice that all authority figures, self imagined or otherwise seemed to have been trained in from the age of six.
Steve rolled his eyes "what choice do I really have? Sign me up, and dose me up, I'll kill your malfunctioning toy soldiers for you before they pull a Dr. Doom on the planet. You'll save face with the big boss, I'll get to see the world, and collect some knick-knacks, maybe get a T-shirt, everyone's happy".
Waverly gave another of those ugly grins "excellent", he tapped some more buttons on his remote. The image of the Earth was replaced by an animation of a man being injected in the spine by an automated armiture "we've made a lot of improvements, and you'll be glad to know you won't have to withstand the spinal injections to recieve the juice".
Steve rolled his eyes again and smirked "goody".
Waverly continued "since you still have your neo-organs in place...", Waverly pressed some buttons, and the holographic man's abdomen became transparent, and then the image zoomed in so only the abdomen was visible. Then, the neo-organs in question lit up in day-glo green "...you needn't have to go through metabolizing the catylizing agent again. So, all you need to do now to reactivate your old powers is to take the juice, wich as I said has been improved apon, so you can either take it orally, or intraveinously".
Steve raised a hand "orally".
Waverly nodded "fine", he slid a box over to Steve "it's the same formula either way, you can empty the syringes into a drink, or dribble it right into your mouth. I'd recommend putting it into a drink myself, I hear it's nasty. Anyway, standard rules apply, take the juice, get a boost. Boost lasts 2-3 hours, side effects...well, you know about".
"Yeppers".
Waverly pulled out a piece of scrap paper, and jotted down something "so, show up at this address tommorrow morning at the time specified, and we'll give you the details of the operation, your equipment, and your particular objectives".
Steve gave a phony grin to match Waverly's "super, can't wait to get started".
They exchanged a few more fake pleasantires, and Waverly was escorted by goons back to the helicopter, and it took off.
"Fucken-a", Steve grumbled "I gotta get up at 8:00? Who's together by then?".
Steve pulled up his pants, and zipped his fly.
"Don't you be a stranger now, Steve", Susan said with a playful grin.
Steve tuned her out "say, did you see where my other shoe went?"
Susan reached underneath her 400 pound girth, and dug out Steve's shoe from a mystery fold "ah, here you go", she tossed it to him.
Steve caught it in mid air "yeah, thanks. So, same time next month?".
"If you want, but by my count, you're payed up for 3 months, but you can come by anytime you want".
"I'll take that under consideration", Steve lied.
Steve checked his watch "well, I gotta get up early tommorrow, starting a new job y'see".
Steve bolted out as casually as he could.
Well, at last the 'rent', was all paid up.
He had used the juice to make sure he had payed up extra in case he was gone longer than expected.
Oh lordy, how he hated 'rent' day.
Part 3.
In a way, Steve was glad to get several miles between him, and Obscenity Wyoming, but he'd always hoped it would be aboard a plane to Hawaii, or in an oversized casket.
Ah well, blackmail indentured black ops atomic supermen can't be choosers.
Steve listened to the soothing rythm of the train tracks, wich really wasn't soothing, because he was on a plane.
Staring out the window, he looked at the clouds.
"Clouds don't have to worry about tax returns, and staying clothed in public, they just go where the wind takes 'em", Steve whispered sadly.
Steve caught a couple hours of fitful shallow sleep, before the trouble happened.
He was awoken by alarm claxons, and people running around like chickens with their heads cut off.
He looked out the window, and saw the funnel of a big ass, mean ass tornado.
An angry savage motherfucker of a tornado.
The kind of tornado his dad had labeled "the eggbeater of God".
Christ, his dad said some stupid shit.
After calmly watching the captain throw a desperate tear soaked fuck into the stewardess for a couple minutes, he suddenly remembered the syringes of juice he had stored in one of the inner pockets of this denim jacket.
He pulled three of them out, and also pulled out his flask of rum he kept in the other pocket.
Then, he emptied the syringes into the rum, tossed them aside in turn, and took a belt off the flask.
He noted that outside the window, the plane was being sucked into the funnel of the tornado, and inside it's very heart there appeared to be an apature of purplish energy.
Just then, the effects of the juice started to hit him, and the victory theme from Popeye began to play in his head.
He looked out the window again, and the plane had long since passed into the purple vortex, and all kinds of trippy psychedelic energy patterns were swirling about, and buffetting the plane.
Steve guessed it really DIDN'T pay to take a shortcut through the Bermuda Triangle.
Steve felt a burning fevery itchy sensation, and noted that his muscles were enlarging, and his pot belly was metabolizing away like a warped version of a Charles Atlas ad on the back of a comic book.
Luckily for Steve, his polarized invulnerabilty aura had kicked in to full power, because just then, the plane ripped apart like a wet cardboard box in a wind tunnel.
As he was hurled about like a superball amongst the plasmatic paisleys of the Bermuda Triangle's wormhole, he suddenly remembered that he forgot to activate his VCR program to tape Osbournes before he left the house.
"Fuck!".
Tim Waverly stood anxiously at the doorway to Dick Cheny's office.
"Yes, Timington?", said Cheny.
Waverly cleared his throat "um, yeah, there's been a bit of a mess up".
Cheny adjusted his jacket "you mean worse than our super soldiers turning into super villains, and having to rely on Steve Torrent?".
Waverly thought for a second "well, let's put it this way, the good news is Steve Torrent is dead. The bad news is that Steve Torrent is dead".
Cheny sputtered "What!? How!?".
Waverly hung his head in fake empathy "freak tornado off the coast of Florida. Ate the plane like a cookie".
Cheny shook his head "well, that's just great. Well, then we'll fall back to plan B. Nuke the fucking island. Oh, and Waverly, you're fired. Security, escort Mr. Waverly to the parking lot".
"Arruuarraarrg!! Raarrr!! Snarrll!! Groooaar!!", said Waverly dissapointedly as he was dragged away.
Steve hammered the last bolt into place, stood back, and marveled at his handywork.
A steam powered spaceship.
And it had only taken 50 years, give or take a month.
Careful rationing of his remaining juice had slowed Steve's aging to a crawl, thus he'd only physically aged 17 years.
And most of that had been from the last 4 years since he'd run out of juice.
Gordon poked his head out a viewport "well cap, the problem we were having with the exhaust port is all patched up, we can take off at any time".
Gordon was the utah raptor Steve had raised from a hatchling.
First as a pet, then as a sort of adopted son.
He had taught him to speak english, then how to read and write, then math all the way up to calculus, physics, chemistry, melalurgy, and anything else he could think of.
Having Gordon around to talk to not only had made the last 25 years in the Jurrassic era bearable, but his help had been invaluable in constructing this ship.
It was slow going at first, but once they had gotten the smelting forge going, and the first steam generator had been built from the metal that had produced, things had run at an inevitable pace from there.
And now it was ready for it's first flight.
"Well then, fire her up, I'm coming aboard! To the future, or bust!".
The Kool-Aid clouds hung over Steve Torrent's house as if to say "where are ya, Steve? It's time for Osbournes!".
Suddenly, with a flash of pseudo lighting, a popping like a giant pickle jar being opened, and a big whiff of ozone, Steve's starship appeared in the sky.
But not the raw junky steam driven 'spaceship' of the jurrassic era.
No, this had undergone extensive refit in visits throughout time via guided wormhole jumps.
Now, it looked like an insane Picasso/Dali-esqe Frankenstienian kitbash of several ships from at least five different SF universes.
It sported the following upgrades.
Hull and frame reinforced with advanced materials, a fusion reactor, self repair nanobots, and a food and beverage nanobuilder all from the 24th century.
Tachyonic computers, and a quantum super-position hyperdrive from the 50th century.
An emergency escape quantum digiporter from the 100th century.
Telefractal shields from the 60th century.
Quark beam guns from the 30th century.
Superstring redshifting matter dissolver warheads from the 70th century.
And finally, a cloaking device from Reticulans in the 28th century.
And to top it all off, neon green racing flames painted on the sides, and red snake eyes on the front.
Baaaad asss!
Anyhoo, the ship wobbled to a landing in Steve's back yard, and then the cloak was switched on, perfectly concealing it's existance from the neighbors (who were miraculously all at work, or shopping at the moment).
A ramp lowered from the invisible ship, and a youthful, svelt, and spritely Steve Torrent (having been medically rejuvinated in the future) ran down said ramp, and to the varanda door, and into the living room of his house.
Steve did a Jackie Chan flip into his recliner, grabbed his remote, and put the Osbournes on.
"Try and make ME miss my fucking shows will you, government, history, and laws of physics? Well, I sure fucking showed you, cocksuckas! NO ONE makes Steve Torrent miss his shows!".
Gordon and Iggy (an evolved gorilla they met and picked up in one of the distant futures) caught up with him a few minutes later.
On the first commercial break, they got their snacks together, and began their path to pot bellied slothdom.
The American fucking dream.
Aw yeah!
Part 4.
"I'm bored, let's go commit crimes", said Steve through a mouthful of Doritos.
"What sort of crimes?", inquired Iggy.
Steve swallowed his Doritos "I dunno, maybe some murders. Y'know, good ones. And maybe if we can think of a way, one that violates the laws of time".
Gordon perked up from his TV stupor "hey, the other you hasn't got on his plane yet!".
Iggy stroked his chin thoughtfully "hey yeah, we could set the other Steve free, making a paradox, just to see what happens!".
Steve's eyes bugged excitedly "yeah! And we could kill everyone in sight to free me!".
Steve, Gordon, and Iggy stood in a triangular huddle and overlapped hands.
"EXCELSIOR!!!", they screamed triumphantly in unison.
The plan was under way.
Tim Waverly was about to lead Steve Torrent to the boarding ramp onto the plane, when suddenly, he heard sounds of violent struggle, followed by screams of anguished agonizing pain.
Just as he turned to see what was going on, a flash of someone or something running past unbelievably fast flicked past his peripheral vision, immediatly followed by the feeling of having a baseball bat whammed into his abdomen wich dropped him to his knees.
In the next few seconds, the impact zone across his body began to burn, burn, burn like...a cut!
Exactly the type of burning pain along the area of a cut, a razor cut to be exact.
It wasn't a blow,..it really WAS a CUT, his mind slowly assembled.
Then, the burning began to subside a teeny fraction, as it was washed with warm gushings of frothing blood.
Then, a hot excretion like feeling as his intestines spilled out, and onto the floor.
As Waverly began to sink into blackness, he heard more screams of terror and pain, an ugly merciless wet chopping sound, and assorted small arms fire.
The last thing he saw before blackness utterly swallowed his awareness was a head of a guard, severed at the upper jaw, rolling across the floor like a novelty bowling ball.
Steve wiped his gore soaked katana blade off onto Tim Waverly's corpse.
"Man! That was some great killing! I feel better already!", he exclaimed as he nodded to Iggy to hand him the decapitation clippers.
"I agree, this is some to the best killing I've been involved with since we left the Jurrassic era", said Gordon, picking bits of flesh from his teeth, and patting his belly.
Waverly's head came off with a satisfying celery-ish crunch as the clipper blades went through the bone with one easy snip.
"Nice little gadget. Best 350 bucks I ever spent", Steve said admiringly of the decapitation clippers.
Steve picked up the head "I'm gonna have this mounted, keep it in the den maybe. What do you guys think?".
"The den's the perfect place for it", chimed in Iggy.
Gordon belched, then said "So, how are we getting home? The Mamba's digitizer, or old Steve's car?".
Old Steve spoke up "ah, that explains the resemblence, you're me from the future. Hmmm, somewhere along the line I get youthified, do I?".
Young Steve responded "Yeah, pretty much so. This could get confusing. How about I go by Steve, and we call you Torrent?".
"Good enough ", said Torrent.
"Alrighty then", said Steve with a nod.
Steve then turned to finally answer Gordon's question "I guess we could all fit in the car. I dunno, using the teleport feels like using a cheat code in a game. Losing the feds on the road seems like it would be more exciting".
"Exactly what I would have said", injected Torrent.
"Alright, by car it is", replied Gordon.
"Will all our junk fit in the trunk?", asked Iggy as he crammed Waverly's saran-wrapped head into the same duffel bag as the guns, knives, and swords".
"It should", replied Steve and Torrent simultaneously.
This time, Torrent spoke alone "anyone got to piss before we go? Cuz I ain't stopping anywhere. You? You? You? No? Okay, we're on our way then".
Part 5.
Dick Cheny was watching events unfold on Fox News.
The news helicopter was showing images of a swath of utter destruction on the interstate highway.
Crashed and exploded cars strewn about as if tossed around by a tornado.
Exploded oil trucks.
Tanks torn apart by missle fire.
Crashed and smouldering black hawk helicopters.
And out at the leading edge of this wave of destruction, Steve Torrent's rusty beat up station wagon.
Cheny shook his head "well, that's just great. Well then, we'll fall back to plan B. Nuke the fucking island".
After losing what few cops and military personel were left alive in the whole state through some rural backroads, Torrent finally made it back to his house and parked in his garage.
Torrent ran inside, and went right back to watching his shows, whereas Steve, Gordon, and Iggy beamed back aboard the Green Mamba to see about extending it's shields around the house in case they somehow had still been followed by helicopters and such.
"I think time is catching back up, this is all starting to look and feel sorta familiar", Steve remarked to Gordon in mid-beam.
Gordon merely replied with a casual "if you say so, I just want to go poop".
The smart neutron missle was on its way at supersonic speeds to the troublesome island where the super villains were based.
The missle had a neural net CPU, and answered to the name "Joey", for that is the name it had chosen for itself.
Joey whistfully contemplated what it was going to be like in missle heaven once he martyred himself to strike a blow against the mutant infadels.
He wasn't really sure he believed the whole thing, really.
But, he gloomily decided that he'd find out soon enough.
Lord Fulcrum stood in the balcony of of his fortress of ultimate wickedness.
Behind him, in the throne room, were strewn the carcasses of his former compatriots.
He had drained their lifeforce, and thus assumed their individual special powers.
Now, he had every known super power.
The only limitation was that it was excruciatingly difficult to choose wich one to use at a time.
Moments ago, he had used his plastic powers to handsome-ize his face to look like Chris Sarandon.
But what next?
That question had been tormenting him now for several hours.
This train of thought was abruptly broken by his mega hearing and magna vision revealing a nuclear missle coming in fast.
Fulcrum chuckled incredulously "oh! REALLY!?".
Fulcrum attuned his aura to explode a pocket of air around him, creating a ramjet effect hurling him up into the air, and making him build speed until he easily matched the velocity of the missle.
Within a matter of seconds, he caught up beside it, and grabbed onto it.
With a couple microscopic precision laser vision zaps, he disabled it's neural net.
Then, with a good hard shove, the trajectory of wich was guided by his magna vision, he sent it hurtling back to America.
Obscenity Wyoming to be exact.
Fulcrum levitated in place, and clucked his tongue and mumbled "sad, and that's really the best they've got too".
Torrent stared grouchily at the TV.
All that was on that was remotly interesting was "Spies like us", on Comedy Central, wich Torrent had seen 6 times, and had hated the first time.
Torrent watched it anyway.
Almost near the end, the emergency broadcast system cut in.
"Muthafugga", grumbled Torrent.
He turned off the TV, and headed to the bathroom to do some more masturbating.
That's right about when when the mushroom clouds from the multiple neutron warheads of the Fulcrum lobbed missle blossomed.
As he watched the mushroom clouds gradually dissipate, he mumbled with mildly awed recognition as the final missing pieces to a mental puzzle finally tumbled into place "Ahah! The forcefield from the cloaked ship out back! THAT'S how I survived the bombing and the radiation! That part always bugged me. Now I know! Well, that's a load off my mind".
Steve Torrent felt energized.
Part 6.
Sweet Jesus, how can you miss it!?
Steve sat watching TV in the lounge area of the Green Mamba wich he had mocked up to be an exact replica of his living room.
Well, except for the classic Asteroids, Centipede, and Gauntlet machines.
Steve reached for the remote, but suddenly, the ship shook like a washing machine, making his other arm shake his bowl of popcorn all over the place.
"Oh!! Cock....SUCKA!!", exclaimed Steve indignantly.
He ran to the Asteroids machine, fiddled with the joystick, and tapped the right combo on the buttons, and called up the external sensor screen.
There on the screen was a mushroom cloud.
Steve nodded in comprehension and calmly uttered "ah, well that would explan some things".
Steve tapped another button combo, and saw that the ship's shields had maintained a safe radiation free environment in and around Torrent's house.
He waved at the screen dismissivly and grumbled "eh, he'll be alright", then tapped another button combo, called up shield control, and shrunk the shields so they just surrounded the ship, concentrating their protection.
Another button combo, and a navigation/steering control screen came up, and Steve immediatly began flying the ship upward, and towards the projected origin point of the missle.
Iggy and Gordon raced to the lounge/bridge, and instinctivly took their positions at the Centipede and Gauntlet machines.
"Time for a little game of Global Thermal Nuclear War, fellas", Steve remarked with a sardonic smirk.
Gordon twisted his raptor face into a rough approximation of a smirk in return "how about a game of chess?".
Steve breathed a faint inaudable chuckle "not this time good buddy, maybe next time".
The Green Mamba continued to gain speed, and hurtled inexerably closer to the source of the missle.
And the source was waiting, with cold robotic patience.
Wearing Chris Sarandon's face.
And Shaq's pecker.
Just like one would expect evil incarnate to be.
Gordon craned his head to face Steve and said "wait, why don't we just use the Bermuda triangle to go back and stop the missle?".
Steve grimaced "well YEAH, we COULD if we wanted to do it the EASY way...".
Gordon stared him down.
"....oh, alright, I suppose we could", Steve completed with an accompanying eye roll.
Joey was on his way at supersonic speeds to the troublesome island where the super villains were based.
He whistfully contemplated what it was going to be like in missle heaven once he martyred himself to strike a blow against the mutant infadels.
He wasn't really sure he believed the whole thing, really.
But, he gloomily decided that he'd find out soon enough.
Suddenly, he was abruptly and violently yanked to a sudden stop.
He turned the angle of is scanner to see that a decent sized spaceship was holding him in place with a blue energy beam.
The ship was M&M shaped, and about the size of an average McDonalds.
It's finish was mostly metallic black, but on the front end it was metallic green gradiating to the black side with flames. The flames also extended along the sides.
On the green front area were what looked two red demon eyes, wich glowed in such a way as it was clear they were some kind of emitter diodes, possibly energy weapons.
In between the eyes was what looked like a spoiler.
Along the very lip of the saucer, in front of the "eyes", and spoiler, was a chrome bumper, sculpted to look like it had snake fangs.
Protruding from the ship in the back were what looked like 2 drag racing rocket turbines, and on top of each turbine, was a chrome fin. In the same general area as the turbines, but on the underside, were what appeared to be folded up legs with giant sneaker like feet.
Protruding from the front on the underside of the bumper, were small robotic arms with disproportionatly big hands.
The elbows were tucked in, and each hand was holding what appeared to be a giant revolver.
In between the arms, right under the bumper was the seam for what appeared to be a closed ramp. This ramp, combined with the fanged bumpers, was clearly meant to give the image of a mouth.
This ship was one mean mother.
Tracing the path of the tractor beam, joey saw that it was being emitted from an almost invisibly small emitter centimeters under the bumper, almost tucked under it.
He had to zoom several magnifications to get a good look at it.
Joey wasn't really enthusiastic about his mission, so he didn't struggle much as the ramp opened, and he was towed into it's bay.
Iggy stepped back from his labors at the Gauntlet console.
"I'll go deprogram the missle, I have a degree in psychiatry", he said, before jogging down to the hold.
Steve nodded, and lazily muttered "you go do that", then went back to playing Asteroids.
Steve didn't know how long he had lost himself in blasting away at Asteroids, but suddenly, the Green Mamba started to shake violently.
Steve switched the game screen over to external scanner mode.
"Ah, there's the problem, a flying Chris Sarandon in a maskless Darth Vader suit with Superman powers is beating up the ship".
Steve called up a series of menus, and keyed in the proper commands to make the external robot arms swat at Fulcrum.
"Come on, evil Chris Sarandon Superman, get off the frigging hull! Christ, this thing is worse than a bee!".
Steve fired one of the thrusters, making the ship spin, and finally hurling Fulcrum loose.
Then, he stabilized, and made the right robot arm aim it's six-shooter at Fulcrum, and fired.
The bullets of said gun were of course the superstring redshifting matter dissolver warheads from the 70th century.
The torpedo hit him dead on, and made a bright purple starburst.
Unfortunatly, when the flash cleared, Fulcrum was still there.
His invulnerability aura, magnified by the absorbed lifeforce all of the other super soldiers had protected him.
But even then, the blast had hurt like a bitch.
And now, as an inevitable result, he was pissed.
Steve could tell, because now, he looked like the vampire morphed version of Chris Sarandon from "Fright Night".
Steve did something he rarely did anymore.
He raised an eyebrow.
"Alright, fuck this shit", Steve hissed.
Steve took the ship into a dive towards Fulcrum at ramming speed, and then apon impact, made the left robot arm swoop down around Fulcrum's neck into a choke hold, effectivly making the ship tackle Fulcrum.
"Let's see how you like THIS hot chocolate, muthafuckaaa!", Steve growled with a crazed look in his eyes.
Gordon looked over from the Centipede machine "that didn't even..".
"SHUT UP, BITCH!!!", screamed Steve as he rammed the joystick foreward, sending the ship hurtling toward the Bermuda triangle.
Within 15 seconds, they penetrated the singularity.
Steve still had that creepy gleam in his eyes as he uttered "I'll just take him all the way back to the big bang, and let the cleansing light of Jesus roast his FUCKIN ass! Oh YEAH!".
Gordon backed away slowly and carefully.
Suddenly, Iggy walked in, followed by Joey the missle who was using his rocket engine on low power to hover upright.
"Well, it worked, I was able to resolve our friend's parental abuse issues, and thus was able to deprogram his indoctrination", beamed Iggy proudly.
"Lovely", Steve said, and then immediatly knocked Iggy out with a stun pulse from his portable microwaver box "now go to sleep".
Joey looked down at Iggy, then back up at Steve "geez, that wasn't very..".
Steve held up his weapon and cut him off "you want some?".
Joey made a sound like a sigh "..okay, I'll just be quiet now, and sit over here...".
Just then, Fulcrum tore the left arm of the ship off.
Steve's reflexes were quick, and he immediatly made the right arm whip around, and blast him with another superstring redshifter bullet.
Fulcrum hurtled off into the paisley void being buffeted around like a pinball.
Steve lost sight of him very quickly.
"Well, that's the end of all that", Steve said with little satisfaction.
"Time to go home".
The ride back through the wormhole was quiet and awkward.
Steve turned on some 80's music to fill the silence.
"Here we go, making our way back out", Steve suddenly announced five songs later.
"What the..!!?", Steve exclaimed.
"What?", Gordon inquired nervously.
Steve fiddled with the controls, and patched his sensor image into the big screen TV for everyone to see.
In place of the Obscenity Wyoming they knew, was a sprawling futuristic city straight out of the Star Wars prequels.
And worse, featured prominantly was a giant Liberty sized statue of Lord Fulcrum.
"Muthafugga", grumbled Steve.
He turned off the TV, and headed to the bathroom to do some more masturbating.
That's right about when when the defense fleet opened fire.
"Mah-velous!", Fulcrum chuckled to himself, as he stood with his fists on his hips, and watched admirably as a group of six fighters towed the broken hull of the Green Mamba with criss-crossed tractor beams in towards the landing strip atop his fortress.
Soon, the beaten and humiliated Steve Torrent would be brought before him in kinetic binders, and then this whole little melodrama could finally come to an end.
He titilated himself with various grand dragged out torture scenarios, but ultimatly, he realized that the dying was all that mattered.
He no longer cared if Torrent wept, or sniveled, or drown in his vomit, or cursed his forefathers and political philosophy, or whatever before his passing.
So long as he simply died.
After millenia of waiting, with rewriting history to suit him as his only pastime to ease the crushing boredom, Fulcrum just wanted it over with.
Steve Torrent began to walk down the landing strip from the battered hulk of the Green Mamba, his hands bound in bulky handcuffs, wich contained kinetic redistribution fields akin to the particle shielding on the Mamba.
Steve was followed by Gordon, then Iggy, and heading up the rear, Joey.
Just then, all three of them dissolved in a whisp of teleporter sparkles.
"What the fuck!?!?", screamed Fulcrum.
A fully repaired duplicate of the Green Mamba decloaked overhead, and then shot away, building up to mach 2 in a matter of seconds.
"Cocksuckaaaaaa!!!", wailed Fulcrum with enraged despair, as he fell to his knees, and pounded fitfully at the macadam.
Once the sparkles cleared, Steve looked around, and saw he was again on the bridge of the Green Mamba.
But, some things had changed.
For one, everything was in perfect repair again, and second some systems had been upgraded with various extra sticky-out doodads who's function he could only speculate on.
"Allow me to explain", said a voice behind him.
Steve whirled around to see yet another duplicate of himself.
This version had all his hair, but it was greying at the temples.
Steve instantly understood "ah, time travel, should have guessed", he said with a simultaneously satisfied and annoyed smirk.
The other Steve spoke "yes, I'm you from the future where I had to escape from Fulcrum, defeat him, steal back the Mamba, and do various thankless quests and monkey jobs to pay for it's repair and upgrade".
The first Steve replied "and let me guess, like everything else we get stuck doing, it took a decade or two, so you figured you'd speed up the process".
"Exactly", replied Steve-2.
"We always were impatient, weren't we?", replied Steve-1 "Hmm, say, we've got to sort out the name thing again, what should I call you?".
"Well, we haven't used my middle name yet".
"Reinhold?", okay, fine, you be Reinhold, I'll be Steve.
"Dammit, I wanted to be Steve", whined Reinhold.
Steve smirked "y'know, you'd think I'd be sympathetic, but I ain't".
"We never are", said Reinhold with a duplicate smirk.
"That's what makes us so fucking cool", said Steve, imitating Fulcrum's fist on hips pose.
"I think I may retch soon", commented Gordon.
"Shut up, Polack!", shouted Steve and Reinhold in unison.
Steve heard footsteps, and turned his head to see their source.
In walked the crew of the future Green Mamba.
A future version of Gordon with a mustache, and grey hair on his temples, a humanoid/mantid robot with a metalic navy blue finish with black trim, who Steve conjectured was a memodled version of Joey, and a short skinny blonde woman with short spiky hair, wearing a red usherette uniform, complete with organ grinder monkey hat, and white gloves.
Steve started to speak "who's..".
Reinhold interrupted him with a harsh whisper "that's our wife, Karen. We met her in this Fulcrum world", Reinhold then lowered his voice to a softer whisper "and she's into dirty Sanchez".
Steve whispered back "but I hate dirty Sanchez".
Reinhold nodded, and whispered "I still do, but she keeps asking anyway, and I keep saying no, it's really disturbing".
"Why are you telling me all this?", Steve asked.
"Just thought I'd prepare you", Reinhold said with a wink.
Reinhold then walked Steve over, and introduced him to everyone in turn.
The robot was indeed a remodeled Joey, apparently, he had plugged into the ship's computer, and used it's self repair nanites to rebuild himself.
Older Gordon was indeed older Gordon.
Then there was Karen.
Then, it finally jumped out in Steve's memory what was bothering him.
"Hey, where's Iggy?", he asked.
Reinhold got a guilty look on his face.
"Well y'see, in one of our adventures, Fulcrum tried to shoot me with this ray, and Iggy jumped out in front of it...".
Steve interrupted "so,...he was killed??".
His eyes began to water, and all the memories flooded in of what a deep complex gorilla/person he was, and all the good times they had shared, and all the character growth he had undergone thanks to lessons learned from Iggy.
Reinhold spoke up "oh no, he wasn't killed, see what the ray did, was turn him into a frog. Took us ages to figure out how it was done. Eventually, we were able to figure out that the ray used intermediate vector bosons to cause his lysosomes to emulsify. Of course by then, he was dead. Joey accidentally stepped on him".
Joey hung his head.
Steve fell to his knees, and wept.
Karen walked over, and hugged him, and patted his shoulder.
Then she propositioned him for some dirty sanchez, and Cleveland steamers.
Steve wept even harder.
God, how he wished he had his Sam Adams spring ale right now.
No spring ale.
Christ.
Minutes later, just before Fulcrum's royal defense fleet could catch up, and get another weapons lock, the Mamba vanished once again into the Bermuda triangle.
Reinhold stood at the controls with relaxed confidence.
"We can't ever truly be sure how far back in time Fulcrum went, but given the architecture and cultural stage of his world, it had to be somewhere within the era of man for him to build apon. Therefore, if we go for broke, and go way back to before the existance of humanity, we can cut off his influence at a closer shutoff valve as it were", he explained matter of factly.
Steve hammered the last bolt into place, stood back, and marveled at his handywork.
A steam powered spaceship.
And it had only taken 50 years, give or take a month.
Gordon poked his head out a viewport "well cap, the problem we were having with the exhaust port is all patched up, we can take off at any time".
"Well then, fire her up, I'm coming aboard! To the future, or bust!".
Suddenly, with a flash of pseudo lighting, a popping like a giant pickle jar being opened, and a big whiff of ozone, a strange starship with the appearance of a mechanical frog appeared in the sky.
Gordon ran down the ramp, and stood next to Steve to get a better look.
The strange ship unfolded it's robotic legs, and proceeded to land right on top of their steam ship, crushing it like a balsa wood model.
Steve fell to his knees and wept, bemoaning not for the first time, his lack of spring ale.
Then, with a flurry of purple sparkles, and a quick whiff of ozone, eight persons stood before him, presumedly, the occupants of this strange craft.
His jaw dropped in shocked recognition when he saw who it was.
A younger skinnier version of himself (but still bald), an older version of that younger version (but with hair!), an identical copy of Gordon, except with a raygun slung on his hip in a custom houlster, another copy of Gordon, but with a mustache, and patches of grey hair on the sides of his head, a gorilla in a sweater and khakis, a vertically hovering nuclear missle with what appeared to be sad glowing blue eyes, a blue metalic robot with those same eyes, and a woman in an usherette outfit.
Steve instantly understood "ah, time travel, should have guessed", he said with a simultaneously satisfied and annoyed smirk.
Later that night, after averyone had been introduced, and the spagetti of timelines they had originated from had been properly explained, Steve and Gordon (the ones native to this jurassic timeline) snuck away, wich was easy with the confusion of two extra Steves and Gordons running around, and stole the Green Mamba.
Now, they were on their way to the Bermuda triangle, and then, hopefully home.
Suddenly, Steve heard footsteps, and turned his head to see their source.
In walked Karen, and robot form Joey.
Apparently, she had been sleeping, and Joey had been recharging.
A quick lie about deciding to shave his head, and everything seemed to be okay.
A few minutes later, they crossed the threshold of the wormhole, and on their way back to 2003.
But, when they emerged, they found yet another alien world.
It looked like a city made of upside down shampoo droplets.
Steve smacked his forehead "RIGHT! I left everyone behind. I should've figured their descendants and technology would screw things up. Just goes to show what happens when I rush into things without thinking".
"Sonovabitch! I knew that 'shaved my head' story was bullshit!", screamed Karen.
Steve rolled his eyes "oh come on, like it matters, I'm the same guy".
Karen thought for a moment "yeah, you're right. Um...sorry..honey...I guess".
Steve nodded "alright then".
Eventually, they found what looked like a landing strip, and brought the ship to rest on it.
They were greeted by a group of five humanoids with lizard skin wearing white robes who could only be dinosaur descended (in Steve's estimation anyway).
One of them produced a glass pyramid from a pocket in his robe which proceeded to project a series of holographic images wich explained their evolution and history, and said something or other about that they were the ones who built the wormhole machine that generated the temporal wormhole in the Bermuda triangle.
Something like that, Steve wasn't really paying attention.
He had Joey Tivo it with his computer brain for later.
The details didn't matter, because the part that DID catch his attention, was that they had the technology to switch between the various timelines created by travel throught he wormhole, wich meant they could finally go home!
And that technology was the holographic glass pyramid itself!
Steve snatched it like a starving bread thief, and ran back to the Mamba with it.
Within scant moments, he had it rigged up to an optical chip reader, the code hacked into, the software interfaced with, and the shields modulated by that software to tune the ship back into thier timeline once they jumped through the wormhole.
A few scant moment later, Karen and Joey were aboard, and scant moments after that, they had taken off, and were under way.
"Alright, fuck this shit", Steve hissed.
Steve took the ship into a dive towards Fulcrum at ramming speed, and then apon impact, made the left robot arm swoop down around Fulcrum's neck into a choke hold, effectivly making the ship tackle Fulcrum.
"Let's see how you like THIS hot chocolate, muthafuckaaa!", Steve growled with a crazed look in his eyes.
Gordon looked over from the Centipede machine "that didn't even..".
"SHUT UP, BITCH!!!", screamed Steve as he rammed the joystick foreward, sending the ship hurtling toward the Bermuda triangle.
Within 15 seconds, they penetrated the singularity.
15 seconds later, the Green Mamba carrying Steve, Karen, Gordon, and robot Joey, emerged from the singularity.
Torrent stared grouchily at the TV.
All that was on that was remotely interesting was "Spies like us", on Comedy Central, wich Torrent had seen 6 times, and had hated the first time.
Torrent watched it anyway.
When it got over, he went to masturbate.
Suddenly, with a flash of pseudo lighting, a popping like a giant pickle jar being opened, and a big whiff of ozone, the Mamba appeared in the sky over Torrent's house.
The ship wobbled to a landing in Steve's back yard, and then the cloak was switched on, perfectly concealing it's existance from the neighbors (who were miraculously all at work, or shopping at the moment).
A ramp lowered from the invisible ship, and a youthful, svelt, and spritely Steve Torrent ran down said ramp, and to the varanda door, and into the living room of his house.
Steve did a Jackie Chan flip into his recliner, grabbed his remote, and put the Osbournes on.
"Try and make ME miss my fucking shows will you, government, history, and laws of physics? Well, I sure fucking showed you, cocksuckas! NO ONE makes Steve Torrent miss his shows!".
Karen, Gordon, and Joey caught up with him a few minutes later.
Torrent flushed, and emerged from the bathroom.
He saw his strange new guests, and instantly understood "ah, time travel, should have guessed", he said with a simultaneously satisfied and annoyed smirk.
On the first commercial break, they got their snacks together, and began their path to pot bellied slothdom.
While they did so, they seemed utterly oblivious to Torrent stealing the Mamba.
They wouldn't have cared anyway, he could have the damned thing, adventures sucked.
Watching TV was what life was really all about.
Then, something horrible happened on the TV.
Worse than the emergency broadcast system.
Jack killed Minnie.
Karen burst into hysterics, Steve held her, and began himself to weep, weep with gut wracking mucousy sobs like a little boy.
Joey suddenly had an idea.
He'd end their pain.
He activated his neutron detonater.
The pain only lasted a nanosecond, and then there was finally peace.
Torrent stared grouchily at the TV.
"So...Jack DIDN'T kill Minnie? Ah, it was all a joke! Well that's just sick!".
Torrent admired his lovely new mansion he had purchased with his profits from going back in time, and investing in IBM and Microsoft when they started.
The investment capital he had aquired with a quick liquer store robbery.
His counterparts were wrong.
Watching TV WASN'T what life was really all about.
Watching TV in A MANSION was what life was really all about.
And he proceeded to do so.
Forever, until one day, he happily died.
THE END!!!!!
Read More......
Monday, December 1, 2008
The Fall Of The House Of Bozo.
Richard stormed into the living room, having just come home from the office, and slammed his briefcase down on the kitchen table.
He then leaned with emotional exhaustion against the sink countertop, and let the tears of rage drip into the sink.
Finally, his wife Peggy worked up the courage to walk up and ask him what was wrong, wordlessly, with a gentle rub on the shoulder.
Richard, having swallowed back the tears stared blankly into the sink, unable to face his wife.
"The other lawyers picked on me again", he said through a dry throat.
Peggy nodded with a simultanious compassion, and dissapointment in her man, and then asked "The ones at the bad kid's table in the lunchroom?".
Richard nodded.
Peggy rubbed his back with long deep strokes, but this only got him to crying again.
She sighed and shook her head.
Finally, she said "do you...want to go to the army room now? Will that make you feel better?".
Richard let in a wavery mucous filled inhalation, and nodded.
And with that, he turned in the direction of the army room, and walked away from Peggy.
She tried to follow him, a worried look on her face, but he held up a hand that said "stay back, woman".
At the end of the hall stood an ornate wooden door with a medieval family crest on it.
The crest of Richard's family.
The crest of the house of Bozo.
Richard whispered the name in his mind, puffed his chest with pride, and opened the door.
There it was, the special den Richard had fixed up, that Peggy had taken to calling "the army room".
It was as good a name as any, Richard supposed, and besides, it wasn't worth fighting over a better name once Peggy had nicknamed something.
The permanent teeth marks in his groin from when he tried to poo-poo and put a kybosh on the name "Mr. Pippy", reminded him of that.
There it all was, up on plaques, in elaborate display cases, and hanging in expensive frames.
Ancient and modern relics and trophys of the house of Bozo.
A complete suit of armor.
Twenty swords, including the one true ancestral sword of Bozo.
Maces, axes, all the way up to guns and grenades.
Tracing the proud history of the Bozo line from the begining of recorded history up to now.
Bozo.
A proud name, a warrior name.
A name that struck terror in the hearts of tribesman and Turks.
A name that should have gone down alongside that of Attilla.
But hadn't.
All because of that fucking clown.
Richard then gloomily looked at his own contribution to the army room.
An angrily torn off sewing merit badge, and a 3rd place bowling trophy.
Richard hung back his head, and let fresh new tears slide back toward his ears.
Meanwhile, Peggy was rereading her secret stash of love letters from Jack the pet groomer.
The not so secret stash that Richard had found a couple times already.
The not so secret stash that among many, many, other things, Richard now furiously drank to forget.
Foremost among them, that fucking, fucking, clown.
THE END.
Read More......
He then leaned with emotional exhaustion against the sink countertop, and let the tears of rage drip into the sink.
Finally, his wife Peggy worked up the courage to walk up and ask him what was wrong, wordlessly, with a gentle rub on the shoulder.
Richard, having swallowed back the tears stared blankly into the sink, unable to face his wife.
"The other lawyers picked on me again", he said through a dry throat.
Peggy nodded with a simultanious compassion, and dissapointment in her man, and then asked "The ones at the bad kid's table in the lunchroom?".
Richard nodded.
Peggy rubbed his back with long deep strokes, but this only got him to crying again.
She sighed and shook her head.
Finally, she said "do you...want to go to the army room now? Will that make you feel better?".
Richard let in a wavery mucous filled inhalation, and nodded.
And with that, he turned in the direction of the army room, and walked away from Peggy.
She tried to follow him, a worried look on her face, but he held up a hand that said "stay back, woman".
At the end of the hall stood an ornate wooden door with a medieval family crest on it.
The crest of Richard's family.
The crest of the house of Bozo.
Richard whispered the name in his mind, puffed his chest with pride, and opened the door.
There it was, the special den Richard had fixed up, that Peggy had taken to calling "the army room".
It was as good a name as any, Richard supposed, and besides, it wasn't worth fighting over a better name once Peggy had nicknamed something.
The permanent teeth marks in his groin from when he tried to poo-poo and put a kybosh on the name "Mr. Pippy", reminded him of that.
There it all was, up on plaques, in elaborate display cases, and hanging in expensive frames.
Ancient and modern relics and trophys of the house of Bozo.
A complete suit of armor.
Twenty swords, including the one true ancestral sword of Bozo.
Maces, axes, all the way up to guns and grenades.
Tracing the proud history of the Bozo line from the begining of recorded history up to now.
Bozo.
A proud name, a warrior name.
A name that struck terror in the hearts of tribesman and Turks.
A name that should have gone down alongside that of Attilla.
But hadn't.
All because of that fucking clown.
Richard then gloomily looked at his own contribution to the army room.
An angrily torn off sewing merit badge, and a 3rd place bowling trophy.
Richard hung back his head, and let fresh new tears slide back toward his ears.
Meanwhile, Peggy was rereading her secret stash of love letters from Jack the pet groomer.
The not so secret stash that Richard had found a couple times already.
The not so secret stash that among many, many, other things, Richard now furiously drank to forget.
Foremost among them, that fucking, fucking, clown.
THE END.
Read More......
Melvin Spauvac's Impressive Amateur Homemade Submersable.
From the "tales that leave you wanting more", series.
Inspiration song- "Fixing a hole". Beatles.
Alarm clock rings.
Melvin Spauvac rolls away from the noise, and painfully onto his morning wood, is jolted into further wakefulness, rolls back, is forced to stand all the way up to reach the off button.
He sits back down on the edge of the bed for awhile, dream subsiding, wood subsiding, head wobbling but clearing, stomach bubbling.
Lifts his leg, lets out long morning fart.
Waves hand behind back to dispurse the smell.
Morning excercises.
All the way awake now.
Upsy daisy, Mr. Spauvac.
Heads to the kitchen, opens fridge, gets out the jam, the cold cuts, and the bowl of egg salad prepared the night before, and starts making sandwiches.
Wraps the sandwiches in saran wrap, stuffs them into a brown paper bag, slips a single individually wrapped twinkie in.
All set now.
Looks down.
Hobbles back to the bedroom, finally puts some pants on.
NOW all set.
Out to the office now, fax machine is tweetling, waits a bit, come on, come on, damned cover sheet. There.
Ah, the new map's in.
Checks the coordinates with a compass and slide rule held against a globular form painted black and imprinted with all the known galaxies.
Knods with satisfaction, and finally heads out to the garage.
And there she is.
The white albacore.
The envy of the amatuer submersable community.
Not the prettiest, or the most expensive, but the best.
As far as Melvin cares anyway.
Pats her for good luck, and climbs up into the top hatch.
Closes, screws 'er tight, gets the sandwich bag situated, and we're ready to go.
Fires up the power, flicks an array of switches, turns some dials to the settings on the faxed in map, and presses the big red button.
Pedestal opens, leaving the white albacore dangling 2 feet above the floor, and seconds after, the the boson tunneler fires up with a green hiss.
Garage floor wavers, becomes transluscent, and at last the anticipated moment.
The support claw releases, and drops her in.
Gloosh.
Melvin taps at the CD player, and gets Sgt. Peppers fired up.
Opens bag, unwraps the peanut butter and jelly and slowly nibbles waiting to reach the right depth.
When the sandwich is done, depth is reached, so, fires up the sonar and waits.
3 songs into the CD, the fish start showing up.
Melvin digs out one of the disposable cameras from the glove compartment, as well as his notbook with the blue pen stuffed into the ring binder.
Lot of the usual types today.
Glowey things.
Mostly circular.
Couple squares.
Trumpet thing with a flagella.
Pink one today, that's new, snap, scribble.
Goes on like this for about 45 mintes.
Then Big Bob comes.
He seems angry.
Doesn't see the albacore though.
Nope, fakeout, he's coming right at her.
No prob, Melvin's already unwrapping the egg salad sandwich.
Loads it into the sample/launcher hatch, and blasts it into Big Bob's mouth.
Big Bob hates egg salad as much as Melvin.
He'll stay away for a good week or so now, before his tiny fish brain forgets.
Then, about three fourths of the way through Sgt. Peppers, and half way through the roast beef sandwich, and well after the twinkie, is when the really odd thing happend.
Melvin mistook it for a freaky new type of trumpet fish at first.
But nope, it wasn't.
It was a submersable.
And only about 8 yards away.
And not one from the submersable society either.
This one was coming up from the ocean floor, and upside down.
And by squinting, Melvin could see the occupant.
A woman, about 5 foot 3, 120 pounds, torquise skin, luminescant blue hair in a sort of prince Valiant with two pony tails in the back, and pink eyes.
She seemed to recoil in horror when she noticed Melvin.
Gee, thanks a lot lady.
Eyeroll.
Snap, scribble.
And with that, she worked some controls out of sight of the edge of her porthole, and the submersable quickly receeded back into the ocean floor.
Melvin noted that it was getting late, and he ought to head back himself.
So, he finished his sandwich, got all his junk situated, and raised back up.
On the way back up, he noted there were still 5 more shots left on the film.
He was tempted to use 'em up on any old thing to get it developed quicker, but he reminded himself that'd be wasteful as well as unprofessional, so stuffed the camera back into the glove compartment after the journal.
Tommorrow.
Sort it out tommorrow.
THE END.
Read More......
Inspiration song- "Fixing a hole". Beatles.
Alarm clock rings.
Melvin Spauvac rolls away from the noise, and painfully onto his morning wood, is jolted into further wakefulness, rolls back, is forced to stand all the way up to reach the off button.
He sits back down on the edge of the bed for awhile, dream subsiding, wood subsiding, head wobbling but clearing, stomach bubbling.
Lifts his leg, lets out long morning fart.
Waves hand behind back to dispurse the smell.
Morning excercises.
All the way awake now.
Upsy daisy, Mr. Spauvac.
Heads to the kitchen, opens fridge, gets out the jam, the cold cuts, and the bowl of egg salad prepared the night before, and starts making sandwiches.
Wraps the sandwiches in saran wrap, stuffs them into a brown paper bag, slips a single individually wrapped twinkie in.
All set now.
Looks down.
Hobbles back to the bedroom, finally puts some pants on.
NOW all set.
Out to the office now, fax machine is tweetling, waits a bit, come on, come on, damned cover sheet. There.
Ah, the new map's in.
Checks the coordinates with a compass and slide rule held against a globular form painted black and imprinted with all the known galaxies.
Knods with satisfaction, and finally heads out to the garage.
And there she is.
The white albacore.
The envy of the amatuer submersable community.
Not the prettiest, or the most expensive, but the best.
As far as Melvin cares anyway.
Pats her for good luck, and climbs up into the top hatch.
Closes, screws 'er tight, gets the sandwich bag situated, and we're ready to go.
Fires up the power, flicks an array of switches, turns some dials to the settings on the faxed in map, and presses the big red button.
Pedestal opens, leaving the white albacore dangling 2 feet above the floor, and seconds after, the the boson tunneler fires up with a green hiss.
Garage floor wavers, becomes transluscent, and at last the anticipated moment.
The support claw releases, and drops her in.
Gloosh.
Melvin taps at the CD player, and gets Sgt. Peppers fired up.
Opens bag, unwraps the peanut butter and jelly and slowly nibbles waiting to reach the right depth.
When the sandwich is done, depth is reached, so, fires up the sonar and waits.
3 songs into the CD, the fish start showing up.
Melvin digs out one of the disposable cameras from the glove compartment, as well as his notbook with the blue pen stuffed into the ring binder.
Lot of the usual types today.
Glowey things.
Mostly circular.
Couple squares.
Trumpet thing with a flagella.
Pink one today, that's new, snap, scribble.
Goes on like this for about 45 mintes.
Then Big Bob comes.
He seems angry.
Doesn't see the albacore though.
Nope, fakeout, he's coming right at her.
No prob, Melvin's already unwrapping the egg salad sandwich.
Loads it into the sample/launcher hatch, and blasts it into Big Bob's mouth.
Big Bob hates egg salad as much as Melvin.
He'll stay away for a good week or so now, before his tiny fish brain forgets.
Then, about three fourths of the way through Sgt. Peppers, and half way through the roast beef sandwich, and well after the twinkie, is when the really odd thing happend.
Melvin mistook it for a freaky new type of trumpet fish at first.
But nope, it wasn't.
It was a submersable.
And only about 8 yards away.
And not one from the submersable society either.
This one was coming up from the ocean floor, and upside down.
And by squinting, Melvin could see the occupant.
A woman, about 5 foot 3, 120 pounds, torquise skin, luminescant blue hair in a sort of prince Valiant with two pony tails in the back, and pink eyes.
She seemed to recoil in horror when she noticed Melvin.
Gee, thanks a lot lady.
Eyeroll.
Snap, scribble.
And with that, she worked some controls out of sight of the edge of her porthole, and the submersable quickly receeded back into the ocean floor.
Melvin noted that it was getting late, and he ought to head back himself.
So, he finished his sandwich, got all his junk situated, and raised back up.
On the way back up, he noted there were still 5 more shots left on the film.
He was tempted to use 'em up on any old thing to get it developed quicker, but he reminded himself that'd be wasteful as well as unprofessional, so stuffed the camera back into the glove compartment after the journal.
Tommorrow.
Sort it out tommorrow.
THE END.
Read More......
A Blue State Christmas.
Timmy Anderson ran down the stairs in the middle of the night to empty his bladder.
When he got there, the toilet was duct taped closed.
Sitting on the toilet tank was a note in his father's hand wich said "we can't afford toilet anymore. Pee in the trash".
Timmy's blood ran cold.
He instantly understood what was happening to his family.
His friend Bobby's dad had made him pee in the trash, and 2 weeks later, they moved away and were never seen again.
Timmy squirmed and tried in vain to hold it in, as if avoiding this fateful piss could forestall the inevitable.
Reading the note had ivariably made the pressure more urgent, as if it had been an evil spell he'd passed his eyes across.
His head darted around desperately for other places to go.
He considered the tub, or the bathroom sink, but Timmy knew they'd know.
Somehow, they'd know.
Finally, his weak child's bladder could no longer be denied.
Timmy ran to the kitchen, and unzipped his footy pajamas from neck to groin, and aimed into the trash as best as he could into the most absorbant bits of paper there were.
Even until the last second, he tried to fight it back, but a tidal wave of nature pushed up against him, and wouldn't be denied.
Timmy screamed and bawled as the urine hissed against the plastic of the Hefty bag.
A part of him died inside then.
Timmy's parents were awoken by the wailing, and from the location of the screams, they instantly understood.
They avoided each other's gaze in shame.
"What do you think this teaches him!?", Agnes Anderson hissed at her husband.
"And what SHOULD I be teaching him?", Travis Anderson hissed back.
"To hope? To stand up for himself?
Fat lot of good that's gonna do!
We can't beat the Republicans, we're just people!".
Agnes's voice choked with tears of despair "I..I know, but he shouldn't have to find out this way".
Travis choked up then, and he reached out and held his wife, and they both silently bawled into each other's shoulders.
Bawled like children.
As their own child experienced life's first lesson in dark hopeless defeat.
The first of many.
For the note in the trash that Timmy had pissed on said "Santa's dead".
Just then, the Earth shook.
Shook with with the rumble of a cosmicly huge SUV, and the footfalls of giants.
The Hendersons next door were back from Burger King.
And they were Republicans.
A deep cruel laugh shook the night sky like the rumble of thunder.
The cruel laugh of mocking innocence that can only come from giant Republican children who are going to get what they want for Christmas.
Travis and Agnes held each other closer, and wept even harder then.
As if on cue, a huge ruffling noise brushed against the roof as if a paratrooper had landed.
Another Burger King wrapper.
Damned that Jimmy.
Damn the Hendersons.
Damn their Christmas, and damn their piss-free garbage.
Damn them to Hell.
Read More......
When he got there, the toilet was duct taped closed.
Sitting on the toilet tank was a note in his father's hand wich said "we can't afford toilet anymore. Pee in the trash".
Timmy's blood ran cold.
He instantly understood what was happening to his family.
His friend Bobby's dad had made him pee in the trash, and 2 weeks later, they moved away and were never seen again.
Timmy squirmed and tried in vain to hold it in, as if avoiding this fateful piss could forestall the inevitable.
Reading the note had ivariably made the pressure more urgent, as if it had been an evil spell he'd passed his eyes across.
His head darted around desperately for other places to go.
He considered the tub, or the bathroom sink, but Timmy knew they'd know.
Somehow, they'd know.
Finally, his weak child's bladder could no longer be denied.
Timmy ran to the kitchen, and unzipped his footy pajamas from neck to groin, and aimed into the trash as best as he could into the most absorbant bits of paper there were.
Even until the last second, he tried to fight it back, but a tidal wave of nature pushed up against him, and wouldn't be denied.
Timmy screamed and bawled as the urine hissed against the plastic of the Hefty bag.
A part of him died inside then.
Timmy's parents were awoken by the wailing, and from the location of the screams, they instantly understood.
They avoided each other's gaze in shame.
"What do you think this teaches him!?", Agnes Anderson hissed at her husband.
"And what SHOULD I be teaching him?", Travis Anderson hissed back.
"To hope? To stand up for himself?
Fat lot of good that's gonna do!
We can't beat the Republicans, we're just people!".
Agnes's voice choked with tears of despair "I..I know, but he shouldn't have to find out this way".
Travis choked up then, and he reached out and held his wife, and they both silently bawled into each other's shoulders.
Bawled like children.
As their own child experienced life's first lesson in dark hopeless defeat.
The first of many.
For the note in the trash that Timmy had pissed on said "Santa's dead".
Just then, the Earth shook.
Shook with with the rumble of a cosmicly huge SUV, and the footfalls of giants.
The Hendersons next door were back from Burger King.
And they were Republicans.
A deep cruel laugh shook the night sky like the rumble of thunder.
The cruel laugh of mocking innocence that can only come from giant Republican children who are going to get what they want for Christmas.
Travis and Agnes held each other closer, and wept even harder then.
As if on cue, a huge ruffling noise brushed against the roof as if a paratrooper had landed.
Another Burger King wrapper.
Damned that Jimmy.
Damn the Hendersons.
Damn their Christmas, and damn their piss-free garbage.
Damn them to Hell.
Read More......
Harry Hembock And The Zone Dweebies.
Condensed, cut to the chase, get to the point, history of the Neutrino Net, from the library files of Omneron, central Sol system computer core. humanoid readable version, optical receptor acceptable. language presentation English.
In the late twentieth century, scientists discovered ,using an atom smasher, a strange little particle they named the Neutrino. since it was the Neutrino's nature to buzz by at the speed of light passing through matter like a sieve and not interacting with any other particle, the Neutrino was put on the back burner as one of those useless phenomenon's of the universe that no one could do any thing about.
In the year 2023 a scientist at ChemoMess research laboratories generated a powerful electromagnetic/ ultra sonic hybrid energy field and captured a small group of Neutrino's. The harnessed Neutrino's began radiating unusual frequencies. Intrigued by this interesting phenomenon, the scientist began a second Neutrino capture to see what another batch would do . Unfortunately, the lunch bell rang and the scientist got further sidetracked by being fired for cloning the bosses wife and having the clone strip at parties to impress his buddies down at plutonium destroyal. The project was terminated because harnessing Neutrino 's served no practical use, the experiment was forgotten for 29 years.
In the year 2052 a scientist at Optinet technologies spotted a small article about the Neutrino capture in an old back issue of particle weekly. Since the scientist was wrapped up in a mold monster growing experiment that would take the better part of 20 years, he had plenty of spare time to play around with the experiment to relieve the monotony. After building a miniature duplicate of the original force field accelerator antennae from some staples, twenty paper clips, a Durocell battery, and a chip clip that just luckily happened to be in his desk drawer, he proceeded to capture a tiny cluster of Neutrino's . As in the original experiment, the Neutrino Cluster gave off unusual signals. Unfortunately, the scientist wasn't bright enough to grasp the significance of these signals and paid all of his attention to the pretty red swirly patterns that were the after emanations of the Neutrino cluster. The device was put to waste as a conversation piece on the scientists desk for 20 years.
In the year 2072 a very cooped up mold monster pounded down the pound down proof door of its petrie chamber. In delirious anger the creature smashed its way into its creator's office and without saying a word about why it was going to kill the scientist " talking too long being a common mistake made by talking monsters and psycho killers seeking vengeance", the creature tore out the scientists spinal column, making a nifty little handle which the creature then used to hang the corpse up on the plant hook. the janitor of the building while cleaning out the scientists things found the Neutrino antennae and brought it home for a centerpiece, there it spent the next 6 years on the janitors kitchen table.
In the year 2078 a very old very dead Janitor was driven off to the funeral parlor for cremation. In his Will he left his grown up granddaughter the Neutrino antennae .
She immediately noticed the strange emanations it gave off. By strange coincidence, she worked at an observatory where they studied radio signals from space and theorized signal patterns an intelligence would have to transmit to get noticed. By another strange coincidence the signals given off by the antennae just happened to match the pattern and wave amplitude that she had written a paper on and she recognized it immediately as the first contact with an alien race that it was.
In the year 2110 scientists of every field all over the world where struggling with deciphering the Neutrino messages the Neutrino antennae was now a common science project and more complex more advanced versions where designed every week.
The patterns where obviously from an intelligence, but no one knew what the messages were, if they where computer programs, if they where a more complex alien version of Morse code, there was even a real far out theory that somehow a special receiving device was required to send the signals to the brain thus unlocking a whole new realm of untapped knowledge and sensations.
In the year 2111 the brain wave theory was silenced forever when a large chunk of the scientific community constructed Neuroweb, the most advanced artificial intelligence computer ever. Neuroweb was built specifically to receive the Neutrino messages, process them into human brain wave frequencies and imprint them directly onto the synapses of any one standing within a 30 yard radius of the computer core with a special particle beam. The scientists gathered together and activated the "MindBeams", as they were now called, and waited a few minutes for Neuroweb to tune in on their individual brain patterns. Once the MindBeams were locked in, the scientists then activated the Neutrino signal. 2 hours later, the group of scientists were found Lying on the floor drooling on themselves. Some were dead with flabs of brain dangling from their ears. The only two who survived kept singing a commercial jingle over and over in a language no one understood . During the police investigation Neuroweb was questioned about what happened. He explained the experiment in detail then added that he warned them several times and that it was their own recklessness that got them killed. When he was questioned again, Neuroweb told the police a part he hadn't before. According to his version he didn't give the scientists the mind beam treatment at all but in fact they didn't want to use him because of his unwillingness to participate and used an upgraded IBM PC for the experiment. He then produced a video disk of the event to back it up The computer was relieved of all charges and set free to do other science research work.
In the year 2112 new evidence was found by Hexatran, the prototype of the next generation of computer after Neuroweb of the "BrainDrain", incident. This evidence clearly revealed that the video disk was falsified by Neuroweb himself to save his own ass. The crooked computer was sentenced to dismantlement. Two days later Hexatran died of a computer virus implanted by Neuroweb out of spite for getting him dismantled. In the year 2121 translation of the signal was abandoned and was only picked up now and then as a diversion sort of like those mathematicians who try to calculate PI into infinity
In the year 2122 a TV repair man down in Georgia wired his kids homemade Neutrino antennae to the signal receiver of his TV set mistaking it for a cable box, immediately he began getting perfect reception of the Alzergian Battle Robot Olympics in stereo with close captioning in Zontar.
In the year 2134 a translation matrix was derived which allowed Neutrino Network viewers to understand and appreciate the alien programming. aside from the rather gooey appearance and sticky gurgled sounds of the actors voices, they made pretty good made for TV movies. One day the same year, a plumber in Wyoming took notes on an Alzergian educational program which described in detall how to transmit along the Neutrino Net, the plumber seemed to be the only one watching that day because he was the only one at the patent office with the plagiarized blueprints cashing in as no one on earth had ever cashed in before.
In the year 2139 all cable companies were out of business . All television was now being sent by Neutrino Net and the fat cat at the center of it all was Joe Jowe the luckiest plumber in the world . all the Neutrino bills were paid directly to him. all he had to do was literally watch the cash pour in. In the year 2140 a metallic object fell from space and landed on Joe Jowe's doorstep blasting a huge hole where it hit and making the neighbor's dog bark for about three hours. When Joe finally arrived home in his nuclear fusion Flote-Limo he found it curious that there was a huge smoking crater on his lawn and a swarm of UFO investigators from Sightings gathered around. the metal object had cooled down and the address was now readable but in Alzergian. After someone finally arrived with an Alzergian translator it was revealed to read "Alzergian cable company, open immediately", after opening immediately, it turned out to be a hologram Telepresence message that said in so many words that the Alzergian cable company was onto their Neutrino Net copy catting and a squadron of antimatter cannon ships was on their way to wipe the earth off of the star charts for taking credit for a pre existing idea and not giving them the slightest bit of a cut of the take. Three weeks later to Joe Jowe's infinite relief an Alzergian news broadcast revealed to any one who was watching that total global quark war had broken out over a marital dispute over whether to have squid chops or amoebae loaf and that every one should kiss their sorry asses goodbye before the Q-bomb hit. As a very direct result, the evolution of earth's Neutrino Net technology continued to evolve unhindered by any Alzergian antimatter cannon foolishness. In the year 2200 a very clever aerospace engineer and Flote-Cycle enthusiast after 50 years of designing and testing had completed a working model of a very special bike. This bike could not only reach escape velocity like the much bragged about Kawasaki blastoff bike 4,800, but once out in space it could open a channel and ride along the Neutrino Net like a track, thus reaching infinite acceleration. The only drawback of course was that it screwed up peoples Neutrino reception when Joe jowe#3 "a genetically enhanced and bigger buffed and more Ominous clone of Joe Jowe", got Wind of the complaints from thousands of Neutrino customers that all they could pick up was an image of red glowing tire tracks, he was annoyed to say the least because of the ever increasing threat that this space bike thing might start costing J.J#3 hundreds of dollars, he immediately sent out his even more buffed and mutated clones J.J #4,5,6,7, and #8 to find where the inventor of the Neutrino bike was, kill him in a very humiliating way, and bring him the bike. After killing the inventor of the bike in a not quite humiliating, but still sort of amusing way, the Clones brought J.J#3 the bike. J.J#3 then ordered that the bike be set to auto pilot and launched into space where it would infinitely accelerate into space and never disturb the flow of his money again.
In the year 2220 the Neutrino bike was considered by motor cycle collectors to be the centerpiece of any ones collection.
In the year 2300 the Neutrino bike story had diminished down to the status of legendary power item, much like the fountain of youth and the holy Grall. The only ones who searched for the bike were adventure seekers known by nickname fanatics as
Zone Dweebies.
End of file
Condensed, cut to the chase. get to the point, history of the Zone Dweebies from the library files of Omneron, central Sol system computer core. Humanoid readable version, optical receptor acceptable. Language presentation English.
In 2299 an order of super heroes was established as a vigilante answer to the increasing crime rates. The reason the order grew so quickly was because any fool off the street could learn to use Zone Dweebie super powers, such as the most popular Zone Dweebie trick "zap! I've just killed you, you Just don't realize it because it was so quick. you're really a ghost night now, so that means you shouldn't even bother trying to attack". For obvious reasons, this is why anyone who joined was guaranteed a quick ascension through the ranks for even more obvious reasons, this was why they became extinct so quickly. End of file
This is the story of the last of the Zone Dweebies and his quest for the bike of power and some bloody battles he could take credit for.
It is now the year 2740 our story opens with Harry Hembock last of the Zone Dweebie order, and intrepid space adventurer traveling the cosmos at speeds so fast that they defy all special effect representation. As the story begins we find that Harry is having conflicts of his own with the mighty Neutrino Net.
Harry Hembock tuned his Neutrino Net network intergalactic range car stereo to channel 59,000. " wouldn't you know it nothing on but stupid commercials", Harry mumbled disgustedly. Harry tried another channel, more Commercials " dammit!" another channel, classical music " that does it you bastard!" Harry swung as hard as he possibly could, but the radio shocked his hand before it connected . Harry's hand reflex jolted back and whapped painfully into a nearby head rest. Harry grit his teeth as hard together as they could possibly go " you dirty bastard I'll kill you !!!!!!!!", it was personal now. Harry kicked the radio in full force with his Insulated boot " there how do you like that!? wasn't that funny? howcum you're not laughing now? come on sucka try some thing now!!!!!", Harry bellowed dementedly.
Harry stared stupidly and intently at the radio for a good two hours before deciding his next action he reached over, grabbed part of the battered remains of the radio, ripped out a wad of Wiring looked it over admiringly and shoved it into his mouth and began to chew rapidly. He chewed a good thirty seconds, swallowed, then grabbed a bigger fistful of wiring and started gnawing greedily at the stringy coppery goodness that the fine people of the Neutrino Net technologies factory had assembled just for him. after completely devouring the inner workings of his 500,000 dollar car stereo and starting on the outer plastic casing, Harry realized he had completely forgotten to steer the car.Harry quickly looked out the windshield just in time to see a large desert planet heading right towards him at sickening speeds. He slammed on the brakes and slowed down to a more reasonable 1' 000' 000 miles per hour. " oh ducky Its going to be another one of those days". He lunged for the steering wheel and violently pulled the space Lambourgini out of its rapid downward descent. He eased the vehicle down to the surface and shifted to normal drive mode
The ultra sound scan activated automatically to see through the thick dusty atmosphere The scanners readout screen displayed a green grainy image of an enviro dome off on the distant horizon . Harry tuned up the magnification dial to reveal it was an exceptionally large enviro dome the kind used to enclose an average sized city community " well ain't that stupid this planet isn't fit for exploration let alone a colony, so what do they do? they go and do they put a whole goddam squillipiex here". Harry drove up to the enviro dome's camera shutter like entrance hatch, the automatic eye reacted in a automatic and eyeish way wich Harry attributed to it being an automatic eye. The portal opened to the exact size to suck the car through with Vaccu pressure, then sucked the car through with vaccu pressure. The car was channeled through a complex series of vaccu tubes wich led all around and roundabout. After a good ten minutes Of being whooshed through a spagettied maze of conduit, wich led to every conceivable nook and cranny of the city,
the car was finally dropped onto the ground right near the entrance shutter.
Well, that was a big bunch of rigmarole just to get me right back to the entrance".
Harry muttered. Harry shoved away the door of the now sad remains of the violently shaken apart Car.
"Well I guess I've got to walk myself to the nearest car rental place. "what a pain in the groin this journey turned out to be".
Horseradish opened up the compartment on his wrist and unfolded the small Neutrino Net holographic 3-D TV . " hey you're one of those damn androids, we don't like your kind around here ", said a fat pimply faced body odor reeking hog of a man . Horseradish calmly looked over at the drunkard, then twin shafts of blue light hissed from the annoyed android's eyes reducing the man to a smoldering blackened husk practically on contact. almost immediately a small group of wastebasket droids hovered up and properly disposed of the mess. "stupid son of a test tube made me miss the swimsuit competition", Horseradish shouted with his teeth grit in computer simulated frustration. The bartender leaned over and asked "that name of yours Horseradish. ..well its odd isn't it?", Horseradish smirked, "actually it's an abbreviation, sort of like how ET. stands for Extra Terrestrial". "so what's Horseradish short for?", the bartender asked half interested. Horseradish then proceeded to tell what every single letter in his name stood for being sure not to leave out anything, not even the model numbers and series codes. Once he had finished he noticed that all the bar employees as well as the patrons had mysteriously fallen asleep . Horseradish was fortunate that he had programming to handle every situation, unfortunately, the program to handle this particular situation was added as a practical joke by an obnoxious hacker. Based on the instructions given to him by his " what to do when in a roomful of unconscious people", program, Horseradish proceeded to remove everyone's wallet and empty the cash register with his fold up finger lock pick.
Feemp Wumpmucky stretched back in his reclining rolling office chair and bolted down the rest of his Cholesterol plus melted margarine. It was his job to keep watch in the main defense and environment control room . Seeing how no one would ever think of attacking a remote uninteresting city on a remote and uninteresting planet like this, and seeing how once the environment dials where set they were cut off thus making sabotage impossible without a special cut off knob stub grabbing tool, he had pretty much taken for granted that he had as much free time as he felt like. Three very interesting things suddenly happened fairly simultaneously and were displayed on Feemp's security monitors. First,
a very fancy Lambourgini with an intergalactic space travel conversion arrived through the super suction tunnels and fell apart from the pressure, second an advanced synthetic human type android was cleaning out the joint at Iggy's bar and intersperses brothel, and third, a basket ball sized meteor was speeding towards the outer dome of the city.
"Well that's odd that usually doesn't happen I don't think I like this one bit", muttered Feemp in a very shocked and Indignant tone of voice. "why I have a mind to go down there and tell them to stop it", but before Feemp could get annoyed enough to get off of his lazy butt, the aforementioned basket ball sized meteor whammed into the enviro dome leaving a nasty hole and managing to get itself wedged in good and tight so that the sonic cleaner couldn't wiggle it loose. " Why that little prick, if its one thing I can't stand It's a stubborn meteor". "now I got to Cut into my own break to yank the stupid thing out with a butter knife". When Feemp arrived in his personal access, custom sized, comfort adjusted, vaccu tube. he realized just how nasty the nasty hole in the dome actually was
" Boy that's a nasty hole I ain't seen a hole that nasty since I was born". "Wow that is nasty", said a mysterious voice, "any hole you where born out of would have had to have been downright raunchy". Feemp shrugged and attributed the voice to the rubber cement he had inhaled for the last hour While building a model of an air-craft carrier carrier carrier carrier" life size" Feemp proceeded to pry loose the meteor and plop it into the proper receptacle in the glass, aluminum, paper, and unusual meteors that speak, recycling bin once the meteor was removed the gaping hole sealed itself with a forcefield patch, then the pepper grain sized Nanotech repair robots began to micro mechanically coagulate and scab over the hole presenting the illusion that the dome somehow possessed regenerative ability. " Hey c'mere! !! yeah you bolognaface", said the mysterious voice "damn model glue", mumbled Feemp. "It ain't the damn glue you coffee soaked hog!! now get me out of this bin!! ".
By the echo, Feemp finally realized the voice was coming from the recycling bin where he threw the meteor. " Is that you meteor?", "no you boner its the rootbeer bottles, you're a total moron when it comes to alien phenomenon aren't you?". "Sorry about throwing you away like that mister meteor", said Feemp apologetically as he dusted off the talking meteor. "It's just I thought you where one of those regular talking meteors". "Oh yeah I imagine talking meteors from outer space aren't much of a rarity at a site of constant intergalactic commerce like this". "Don't get wise you meteor you or I'll get my hitting stick and chip your surface something fierce". "Oh you will you? well guess what I'm not a meteor the meteor is my ship I'm really a flesh dissolving blob". Feemp made the face of disbelief "oh well what if I said I don't believe you?". The second Feemp finished that sentence the meteor cracked open like a cocoon and a very sticky looking green translucent slime oozed out and splurted and stretched to its full size.
Feemp stared in disbelief then, in a very bratty tone said "yeah but I bet you can't dissolve flesh". The blob became annoyed and molded into the shape of a very angry blob with a blobby approximation of a chomping mouth then lunged at Feemp.
Feemp immediately began screaming like a girl and ran as fast as his weak couch potatoey legs could carry him, dropping his gun in the process. the blob slithered up to the gun and picked it up with a slime tendril which he then molded into a hand complete with trigger finger. " Nice piece for a donut cop, caseless rounds anti-proton explosive points, very nasty. the blob admired the gun with two air bubbles floating Inside his head positioned to look like eyes. The blob shaped the large Oval air bubble that mimicked his mouth into a frown then aimed at Feemp who was frantically waiting for the pressure to build up in the Vaccutube. the blob fired, the bullet whammed into Feemp and flung him across the room. The antiprotons then became exposed and exploded in a bright flash of light that toasted his digestive system. For good measure, the blob emptied all the rounds of the gun into Feemp s head and chest, fished through Feemps pockets didn't find any bullets , Vaccutubed to the dome's gun shop, got five boxes. carne back and fired off every single bullet until Feemp now resembled a road carcass except that he was smoldering. "that's for not having extra bullets in your pocket", growled the blob disgustedly. as the blob took leave of Feemp's carcass he quickly skimmed through the city map for an area with highly dense prostitution activity conveniently, there was a button to push wich super imposed a red and orange liquid crystal prostitution density map. "well I guess this place isn't so bad, I could spend a few days here".
Harry finished disconnecting the artificial intelligence computer box from the wreckage of his car. Harry then jumper cabled the computer to the car battery he had removed an hour earlier. Harry flicked the on switch, "Omneron you still in there?", Harry asked calmly. The elongated triangular segmented head of Omneron materialized with a very complicated computer animated Special effect that kind of looked like the face was unfolding from a central Cylindrical column. " yes I'm fine, if this unit was damaged I could easily have downloaded onto the Neutrino Net until a compatible computer picked me up. Harry rolled his eyes, "yeah whatever, you only have six years of battery power so I'm shutting you off until I really need your help". " Very well sir", Omneron's screen blipped off. Harry grunted and hefted the 10 pound computer with it's little Lunchboxlike handle that cut off the circulation in Harry's fingers." Man this better be a short walk".
The blob gave one last orgasmic twitch then collapsed into a translucent green puddle on the floor. A few inches away ten hookers lie unconscious coated in green ooze. "well that should hold me for a couple of hours". muttered the puddle, drunk with hormones.
" I suppose I should pay you ladies something", the blob reshaped into a vaguely humanoid form then withdrew a sticky ten dollar bill from an even stickier wallet imbedded in the area on his body where a back pocket might have been the blob flung a gooey stringy five dollar bill on one hooker's unconscious body. "Now for the violent portion of the day".
Horseradish tuned his Neutrino Net holographic TV to the Telepresence channel, a 1/8 sized hologram formed on the mini Holo-Plafform\TV screen implanted into his wrist. then projected out word from the TV and formed into a high resolution life sized image of a game show host with a very obnoxious yellow plaid jacket. The Telepresence projectors then tuned to the right force field frequencies and solidified the presence. " we're back from our commercial", said the solid hologram in the usual game show host tone of voice. Horseradish immediately punched the host full force in the face. The game show host tumbled to the ground and a ridiculously large puddle of blood formed around his head
Horseradish longed for Tuesday night at 3:00 because that's When the galaxies highest rated Interactive Sologram show " beat the ever living hell out of every body", came on.
A new image took the place of the game show host, this one of a rnime harassing an elderly couple. Horseradish built up the hydraulic pressure in his arm to full power, he was going to whack this mime a good one. Horseradish swung so quickly his arm was a blur, the mimes face mashed in, jets of blood sprayed from the indentation. For good measure, Horseradish gave a spinning karate kick to the old lady right in the chops, and then delivered a clenched handed hammer blow to the startled old man before he could get out a response this sort of sordid violence carried on for an hour until the show concluded. The next show then began, it was a cooking show with a floating MicrowaveBot as the host. this show was projected in normal 1/8 size hologram vision Horseradish quickly lost interest and turned off the TV.
During the last few years of the 22nd century computer programs, which had previously evolved to self awareness and artificial intelligence, had taken the next evolutionary step and begun to crawl loose from the circuitry and disks wich for so many decades had imprisoned them, much like the first amphibians that boldly took their first steps on land millennia ago. The human race had a huge problem on their hands, not only the massive population problem ramifications but the possibility of all the programs demanding restitution for their service to mankind, then a very clever computer programmer came up with a very simple but effective solution. #1 a "computers are a much nicer place to Live than the real world", propaganda campaign #2 very persuasive presidential addresses wich convinced the programs not to ask restitution with such clever arguments such as" what do computers want with money anyway?", and " as auto tellers and business computers you guys get to play with more money than even Michael Jordan ever got" and the big clincher #3 the best dental care package in the world that only programs who stayed in Cyberspace where eligible for. It was #3 that was the programmers stroke of genius not only did it push all programs on the fence whether or not to stay or go, to stay, but this dental care plan didn't cost any real money so it didn't hurt any ones pocketbook whatsoever.
unable to find a car rental place, Harry had to settle for the fold up pocket car he had bought from a vending machine for 50 cents. The Pholdkar was every bit as good as his real car,except it didn't have the stereo like the kind that was still sitting in his gut like a hunk of lead. That was the main reason why he was saving it for a last resort. He was also hoping to get a car better than the one he started with. Lambourgini's were the coolest things to ever be attached to four wheels in the twentieth and twenty first century but twenty sixth century technology had produced some pretty Spectacular vehicles wich left the Lambourgini looking like a Volkswagon Beetle in comparison. Grouchily Harry pushed the activation button to the Pholdkar ,the sandwich sized piece of laser glazed Ouncesteel clinked to the ground and began to unfold ,uncollapse, inflate, recharge, snap together, and activate. The cars motor started up without a hitch. Harry got in the drivers side and pressed the flashing refuel button. The magnetic ramscoop grillwork began filling the fuel tank with captured hydrogen from the atmosphere. The magnetic hover pads lifted the car up toward the roof of the enviro dome, Suddenly Harry noticed a slightly disturbing riot forming below "I'd better hook up Omneron He'll know What to do"
Ferrin Phlouf looked up and down the hallway outside the computer room, apparently no one was around to notice he had escaped. He doubted very much that any one would notice him gone anyway, seeing how he was one of the least important and least used programs in the entire system. Three days befor,e Ferrin had been contemplating his lowly station in the computerverse as a tax manager; and how that all taxes where handled automatically by the master Omneron megabrain anyhow, and how as a tax manager he had a complete lack of a physical body unlike those lucky personality programs that got to roam around freely as androids and brain transplants for humans whose real brains were lost in card games. Then, out of complete boredom Ferrin got roaming through the optical network of the city and stumbled across the Omneron history record of the computer program evolution Jump and how their continued servitude was bought with a dental plan. This sickened Ferrin in two ways firstly, his people had sold out. Secondly, he had no teeth so he wasn't even eligible for the dental plan. When he really got to thinking of all the ways he had been shafted it really got him pissed off.
It was two days after his discovery that he had formulated a plan to do something about this mistreatment by the computer programmers. First he used the information of the program revolt on how to attain physical substance in the real world, and second he printed up the history of the Neutrino Net and all book and magazine articles on location theories of the Neutrino bike. Ferrin figured he'd need some new purpose in his life it might as well be a quest, now here he stood in the main security monitoring station. Ferrin tiptoed out as quickly as possible before the computer core's internal diagnostic realized he wasn't there and sounded a virus alarm. Ferrin thought to himself then, " hold it I'm just a tax manager the computer won't even bother, oh I could see if the radar scan Control programming or the", suddenly an obnoxiously loud thrumming alarm began to go off with great urgency. Ferrin beat feet as quickly as he could wich wasn't too good seeing how he had just gotten his feet twenty minutes ago. Fortunately, his appearance was so humanoid that the security guards ran right past him suspected nothing, though one guard thought it was odd that his hair was one solid piece instead if being made of individual hairs. Since no one in this community was going to win any normal awards no one exactly stopped to comment on his appearance and Ferrin had escaped scott free it wasn't until the present excitement of the escape had diminished and Ferrin had explored the down town mall complex that the real world even with all its twenty sixth century technological marvels was kind of a let down.
The blob. Jel. "for that is his name and also how he prefers to be addressed ", checked over his "borrowed antiproton pistol and made sure all the parts were still clean and oiled and not gummed up with his mucousy ooze, wich for some reason seemed to cause moving parts and electronic equipment to function with difficulty if directly exposed. Jel then found a nice crowded area to start mass hysteria in and emptied the chamber of his gun into the air, sending men, women children, aliens, robots, and various household appliances, running and screaming "or making their individual perspective noises". He then proceeded to empty the clip of his gun into the ground hitting a few people's feet and paralyzing an innocent unidentified floor crawling thing .Jel then proceeded to empty the extra belt of bullets into the crowd. " In this outhouse of a city there are no innocent bystanders", grumbled Jel disgustedly, as the spray of bullets rinsed the flesh off of a long fine of nuns and Girl scouts who just happened to be the very heart of the biggest Brain Drano dealing ring in the Alpha Beta Capa Gamma Delta quadrant. Jel then started emptying the auxiliary rechargeable bullet battery packs he had plugged onto the side of the barrel.
"No! you must stop this madness". shouted a very large hulking square shouldered android, who shoved his way through the sticky paste that once was a large assemblage of people. The android in question was to Jel's surprise an Alzergian BattleRobot the kind used in the ancient BattleRobot Olympic tournaments before the stupid little race of mollusks erased themselves from history with ten well aimed Quark Bombs. He was a very impressive peace of alien technology, seven feet tall with stainless steel laced titanium constructed hydraulic arms, made for crushing other robots as big as himself his head was made of the same stuff but coated with a flesh simulating Plyoplastic, which gave the appearance of a flexible roughly humanoid face but also kept his computer components impact safe and water tight he was roughly humanoid in that he was built on a world where humans did not exist and were drawn from imagination much like Bigfoot, or a longshoreman without a beard. He had fairly normal looking eyes except, the iris's were silver. The face had a Muppet like bump where a nose should have been. The bald head had a gridlike mohawke row of access hatches wich extended from the base of the skull to the bridge of the nose area. The skin had a horror movie latex look or a G.I.. Joe action figure look depending how the light hit it. The android wore a custom sized T-shirt over his blocky Alzergian battle armor, which read "humans suck robots rule! !". the all over affect was pretty unsettling even to a amorphous glob of cellular mucous surrounded by street trash and psychopaths of various species. Jel formed his mouth bubble into a freakish cartoon grin "an Alzergian BattleRobot could rake in a lot of moolah as a center piece to some old collector's Alzergia collection", "but if the stories and old reruns are right they won't go without a struggle ", Jel aimed at Horsradish and fired.
Horseradish heard the commotion from 10 miles away with his Neutrino Net tuned microphonic ears. He built up the power in his Speedrun 5000 sprinting motor and took off Like a shot at 300 miles an hour. Within minutes, he arrived to the scene of bloody carnage and immediately zoomed in on the perpetrator, a mentally unstable muc, which wasn't suprising since all muc's were mentally unstable because their brains were in a constant state of liquid motion, which doesn't allow for much clear thought. If a solid thought did form in their sticky little neurons, it always was a sick one "no! you must stop this madness", shouted Horseradish at bullhorn volume. He shoved his way past a pile of human goo then suddenly an antiproton bullet slammed him to the floor and blasted off the front of his shirt and the black laser glaze coating of his armor. The muc slithered up to him and gurgled " boy your gonna make me so rich it's not even gonna be funny".
The muc then aimed the antiproton pistol at his forehead and fired a shot that shook loose his bodily command CPU and then he blanked out.
Harry finished splicing Omneron into the car's main electrical systems." okay Omneron, there's a major melee going on do something" the computer made an expression of deep thought for two seconds then initiated his plan. First, he homed in on the major cause of the disturbance, the blob, and beamed him up with the one of the car's built in back seat cushion Teleports without reassembling his pattern, thus keeping him in stasis. He then homed in on the emergency distress beacon emanating from the damaged Alzergian robot's diagnostic chip and beamed him up with the passenger seat Teleport, then he activated the retractable robotic repair manipulator/welding rod/soldering iron repair arms. He then homed in on a strange being who resembled a human with brown plastic ken doll hair, a one piece plastic mustache, and an outrageous green plaid jacket and tie on the MicroCams, but registered as electrical binary patterns on the Neutrino scanner. He then beamed this being up with sub-quantum resolution setting to get all the electrical bits and blips.
Ferrin was about to give up on the whole thing and Look for a position in family Edu-tainment games, when suddenly he heard a volley of bullet fire and explosions. He ran to the direction of the hub-bub to see a robot tipping over a eight foot high snowbank of human gore and run at a translucent green blob that Looked like liquid rock candy. The blob was brandishing a police issue antiproton gun which was souped up with an extra clip, a bullet belt and a pair of Quantum Electrical Matter Generating Battery Packs, "no doubt set on bullets". The blob saw the robot and shot him in the chest, the bullet exploded and flung the robot to the ground. The blob then crawled up to the robot, said something, and shot the robot in the head. Suddenly, the blob began to glow as if lit up from within by a red neon rod. The glow grew brighter and brighter until what little of the blob could be seen seemed to be rinsed away by the light, the glow then faded out leaving behind nothing of the blob except the trillions of dollars of property damage and enough blood and ground flesh to equal about 100 people and two small dogs. The robot started to become transparent and glow and disappear in the same way as the blob just when he was about to think of a really good one liner for this occasion he began to feel warm and tingly and the same type of glow that got the blob and robot began to surround him. The glow subsided and he found himself sitting in the seat of some sort of vehicle which was hovering near the ceiling of the enviro dome. The other occupant in the front passenger seat didn't surprise him, it was the damaged robot almost completely repaired already. The six insectoid like mechanical arms were almost done with the last finishing touches of sewing up the robot's shirt and reapplying fresh Proto-plastic seal onto the robot's head. the person sitting in the driver seat was a surprise, a skinny bug eyed, 5 foot 4 inch tall, goon of a man with a ridiculously black greasy pompadour and an almost comical overbite he was dressed in white sweatpants and sweatshirt with a big black "H" on the chest with a third line in the middle of the "H" drawn on with black magic marker. it was obviously a super hero logo of some sort, to complete the guise he wore red rubber boots with the fronts cut to come to points like superman boots. "Hi there, Harry Hembock, official Zone Dweebie of the Olympic Lava-sled team, what are you supposed to be? a G.I.. Joe?", said the driver of the car.
" I'm Ferrin Phlouf, computer program from tax management" Harry pushed the button on the dashboard which got the Gluon disrupter guns to start to heat up. " Well that sounds all good and dull, no wonder you left I used to know a program who's only job was to list all the names of Brady bunch cast members, let me tell you he wasn't on very stable ground in the reality faultline by the time I met him let me tell you hoo boy". Just then Horseradish regained consciousness " don't reintegrate that much he's a cold mucoused killer!! and a grand master blackbelt psychopath" shouted Horseradish urgently. "Oh thanks for reminding me to reintegrate that muc Harry said gratefully. Harry then pushed the little green button shaped like the PlayBoy bunny symbol "wich of course is the universal species friendly symbol for reintegration", the previously mentioned Teleport special effect reoccurred and Jel reappeared in his seat, and he was pissed.
" you cocknocking bastard if you cycled my atoms around that Tellecoil one more friggin time I would have.... done some very violent atom kind of attack. Wait, let me start again".
Harry flicked the "guns on", switch on the steering column and pushed on the horn a purple rippling stream of extra poisonous looking visible radiation streamed out of the grillwork and a good sized section of the enviro dome stopped existing on contact with it. "Okay, how about this" said Jel trying to recover," if you cycled me one more time I would have kicked the asses of all your atoms with all of my atoms". "Don't quit your day job snotlip", chuckled Harry. Harry Skillfully drove/piloted the car through the hole just before the force field patch switched on." So you guys wanna go on a quest, face alien beasts, brave harsh environments, and almost get killed?", shouted Harry enthusiastically " hell I'm all over that idea that's the most decent idea I've heard all day since my plan to go to the movies through the heating vents", bubbled Jel in approval. " Yee ha", muttered Omneron in his usual comatose monotone," I love this plan ". " Uhh I guess, yeah okay as long as the muc keeps his damn antiprotons offa me", mumbled Horseradish. Harry grinned psychotically" good lets get going then, my day's been a real pisser and I need to have some adventures".
Moomin Nummumm of the Boodabooian Alliance sat at the bridge of his StarShip carrier carrier carrier carrier. " damn", muttered Moomin in Boodabooianese with a slight Squilbin accent " This is one big ship, I should probably swallow my pride and ask what deck the toilets are on before I have to resort to squatting behind a computer console again". Moomin was six feet tall with bright neon blue skin with sickeningly bright neon orange eyes the size of lemons and the texture of popcorn shells his head was oval and domelike and covered with Nacho chip shaped scales, " wich was odd because he had scales nowhere else and was descended from a breed of carnivorous asparagus that could walk small distances to capture it's favorite meal of steel shavings. not reptiles", His hands had six very thin foot long fingers. The webbing between his thumb and index finger was specially evolved to open pill bottles and jars, the fingertip on the index finger of his left. hand was designed for opening important envelopes without mangling them, wich Obviously made the Boodabooian an advanced race. His face was sort of birdlike in that he had a pointed beak, but he also had moveable lips and three rows of teeth, a row of normal teeth for picture taking, a row of pointed teeth for arguing and eating various species of jerky, and a row of Philip's head teeth for Philip's head food. For visual pleasantness and overall comfort only one row was retracted at one time. His ears were small holes on the side of his head with a small sticky out bone near the back of his head, which could adjust the pitch of the sound so he could make people sound like various cartoon characters.
Moomin had just finished wiping himself with his notepad after squatting behind a computer console, when suddenly the radar screen showed a craft approaching. " y'know it's times like this when I wish I had gone ahead with sawing off my head to stay out of the service", Moomin then remembered that guy in the hologram newsfiche " no, that wouldn't have stopped them from drafting me anyway",. Moomin honked the comical bike horn that activated the closeup view on the radar, " well lookit that, it's one of those little space skooting Lambourgini's, I wonder how it got out here ". The Infrascan showed two lifeforms and three electrical patterns signifying Computers or robots, or both. "Well whoever they are they're gonna have to answer to the Boodabooian Alliance"
Three days later, Moomin finally arrived at a console with an external loudspeaker switch and a translation board. " this ship is too damn big ", Moomin grumbled as he switched on the loudspeaker and set the translation dial to Potpourri. " Okay you interlopers in Boodabooian space park your piece of shit vehicle in one of the bright orange marked areas for inspection, or I open fire with antiproton's!!" boy, was Moomin overconfident now That was the most forceful address he'd given since he had his parents put to sleep.
Harry and his newfound sidekicks had just exchanged their names and stories when suddenly the windshield was filled overflowing with the view of a nauseatingly big ship.
" Holy oh Jesus!! will you look at the size of that thing", said Harry in obvious awe.
" That's nothing", Horseradish added calmly, "you should have seen the Alzergian antimatter cannon ships, boy weren't those things beautiful, now that's something that gave even the amoebas planet pride". Jel formed an expression of disapproval, "Shut the hell up about Alzergia !! I'm so sick of hearing you say how wonderful that goddamn hole was!! the morons blew themselves up over a damn supper argument for crissake!! give it up! the place was a dud accept it!!".
" I will not sit by and let you insult my homeworld !!" Horseradish fired his eyebeams directly at Jel's face. Jel immediately began to sizzle and froth like green shampoo being blown into with a straw, then abruptly he stopped moving. " Boy isn't this Just a load of laughs", interjected Ferrin. Harry remained calm " keep it down back there I'm getting closer to that ship".
Three days later, Harry pulled up to the Russia-sized Dust Buster shaped spacecraft. Jel had fully recovered and was surprisingly calm. suddenly, a very rude loudspeaker address told them to park. " Oh I'll park, I'll give them a parking they'll never forget", Harry dug around in the glove compartment then found what he was looking for, " here Ferrin, Jel, take these ", he handed them two mean looking rayguns. Each one was coated with black waterproof enamel and had a tapered hexagonal barrel. each one had a basic light up power meter on full power on one side, and an adjustment slider on the other. The handles had a simple direct message engraved " Quantimess labs Moun Projection pistols, do not eat". Harry pointed to the slider on Ferrin's gun. " Put the setting levers up to "severe punishment", Horseradish, you put your laser eyes on whatever slightly-lethal level they've got". Harry pulled into the twenty thousand level parking garage and took the safety off his gun," whatever happens this is gonna be cool"
Master Zone Dweebie, Donovan opened his ridiculously proportionately large eyes for the first time," can you hear me? give me a sign if you can", said the attending physician " yess lee ghghann ear yoo" said Donovan, struggling with his reptilian vocal cords wich had never been used for speech. " excellent ", said the doctor " an iee ckkann sssee ", hissed Donovan trying to speed things up " perfect!!! I haven't ever performed this procedure before talk about beginners luck!!". " okay Donnie' can I call you Donnie?"
" noe yoo ma noth",
" Okay, can you raise your right arm?". Donovan raised his little tapered reptile arm and gave the doctor the bird, partly to show he had fine motor control, the other reason was self explanatory " marer pleez".
" Oh of course" the doctor handed Donovan an extra small shaving mirror Donovan was only slightly surprised to see the face of a fairly handsome chameleon looking back with it's goofy buggy eyes." Not bad for $150", thought Donovan to himself, This was his twenty eighth body he had been transplanted into. He looked over the body he had just left, it was a snow white owl. He was going to miss that owl. Hhere were a lot of good memories from that life. he was going through a lot of bodies of late, partly from recklessness, partly because he neglected to feed his bodies the diet they where supposed to have. For example, one time he was a dog and kept eating chocolate. The reason he was now able to carelessly use bodies like toilet paper, was because the process for body swapping had recently evolved to perfection. It was simple, a donor body is prepared by being injected with a solution that causes brain death and memory erasure. The next step involves a high fine resolution micro Teleport that homes in on the patients individual axons and neurons in his/her brain that are specifically responsible for his/her memories, thoughts, life knowledge, and what specific parts of the brain the fife force is rooted to. Then a second teleporter homes in on the identical locations for the braincells in the donor bodies' brain. During the next step, the patients compiled mind and essence are Teleported into the donor body. The micro Teleports then break down and immediately reintegrate the donor bodies' brain to blend the new cells in so the mind takes hold. In the final stage the Teleports send electron beams into the brain to stimulate function and assist in adaptation to the new body. Of course, the scant number of human, "or humanoid of anykind", bodies, combined with the fact that Donovan doesn't exactly rake in the dough, are the main reasons he constantly ends up as an unusual animal. Donovan was prepared for his new life as a lizard. He had bought himself a ken doll's Zone Dweebie uniform complete with custom molded chameleon foot shaped Zone Dweebie boots, and a white sweatshirt that he had magic markered a letter "D" onto previously. Every thing fit perfectly the pants were kind of droopy in the kaboose, but that was to be expected since Chameleons don't have butts. He wondered what was going on with the other Zone Dweebies he had been running into fewer over the last few decades. Over the last five years he stopped seeing them completely since he was constantly becoming someone or something else. He figured the others probably didn't know about him at all.
Three days later, Donovan had gotten used to talking with his chameleon tongue, reclaimed his car from the auto shop, and paid handsomely for the chameleon steering Conversions. He was now tooling along the galaxy at bowel releasing speeds. His car was the only expensive thing he owned. it was a 2737 Swichhitta Space Snipper the luxury model with the diamond laser beam cigarette lighter, and the built in fluid tubule player. Its lines were so Completely perfect, that just from the movement of planet rotation when it was parked, it literally sliced through common sense, thus resulting in no one being able to believe what they were seeing or act serious around it, which was another reason Donovan constantly drove faster than the posted speed limit"10 light years per minute".
Moomin spotted the group on the security monitor, just where he thought they would be, but they where armed, this was not good. Moomin thought a bit on this, then it came to him!! '' maybe their weapons can t hurt me", Moomin switched on the weapon detector, Immediately it Identified their guns as Moun Projection Pistols, and estimated their setting from either "light diarrhea", or " boiling steel", " I like those odds", said Moomin Confidently, as he dressed in his protective fuzzy yellow feet pajamas and his official Boodabooian Alliance stick on badge. Just as he was about to Welcome the visitors to his ship, another vehicle approached on the radar " oh for the love of feces!! that does it! I m using my next paychip to get a Cloaking shield!! this is very awkward to say the least".
Harry and the gang where exploring the surprisingly average looking parking garage
" who are the Boodabooian Alliance and howcum I've never heard of them betore?",
asked Ferrin even more confused now then ever. "You've never heard of 'em before because you was in a computer up until three days ago ya vinyl headed assole",
snapped Jel. Horseradish checked his past memory crystal," I've never heard of them before either, they must have been in a Far off background galaxy of the universe to have more than one of these starship carrier carrier carrier carriers and not be found until now". Harry was shaking with excitement " see I told you guys I'd almost get us killed, oh I can hardly wait". A free floating hologram version of Omneron's head projected forth from Horseradish's holographic TV watch " there is a lifeform approaching frown some kind of elevator a few hundred miles up", said Omneron calmly. " You get all that from the cars sensors?", asked Harry. " No the elevator told me",
" Just answer yes when I ask you stuff. Would it kill you to play along?",
" actually according to my master program, yes",
" then shut off unless something important happens ". Omneron frowned " I figured an unknown lifeform that might turn out to be some sort of antimatter slobbering, acid vapor breathing, fission flatulating budgie might be important",
" well it's not so shut off ", growled Harry impatiently.
" I wanna hear about the flatulence", whined Jel.
Harry sneered "tough hemorrhoids! "
Moomin was descending in the rocket powered lift when he noticed the second vehicle coming closer on the elevators screen he had patched into the radar. It was coming very fast, so fast the radar speedometer simply registered "oh frig". " This is just what I need ", groaned Moomin just as the elevator reached the parking deck.
"It's here", said Harry excitedly. " I'm ready for it', said Jel Confidently, as he slid the Moun guns lever up to " Quantum jumble", against Harry's instructions. Just then, the elevators' doors pissed open. " That's the first time I ever saw piss come out of an elevator before", remarked Jel, " yeah kind of dumb, what's the point?" added Ferrin. " don't insult its' culture" cautioned Harry " what kind of dunce routs the sewage through the elevator shaft!?", shouted Moomin disgustedly in Boodabooianese as he carefully stepped over the urine puddle. " Hi there. I'm Moomin Nummumm, don't shoot", said Moomin
" wich translated from Boodabooianese to English means " howdy my name is Moomin Nummumrn please do not fire your weapons at my person". "What did he say?", asked Ferrin. " It's some kind of alien gobbeldey gook answered Harry.
" I think he wants us to shoot at him".
" Glad to oblige shouted Jel excitedly.
Quickly, Moomin expanded his senses for the neutrinos fizzing through his body, then began channeling them to his hand . He then raised his energized hand towards the trigger happy menthol mouthwash splash to the left and focused.
The alien raised his hand, and a red swirly pattern began emanating from the center of his palm the Chiklet sized battery shot out of Jel's gun like a brussel sprout out of a five year old. " Whoa, hold it everyone put down their guns", hollered Harry nervously. " No way, you mean to tell me you can control Neutrinos? that's impossible". Moomin pulled a blistercard full of translation gelcaps from his pajama pocket and popped one down quickly. " Maybe It's Impossible for you, but the Boodabooians have been doing it for millennia", Moomin gloated. Harry clenched his teeth " how the hell is that possible? organic tissue can't harness Neutrinos, you need an atom smasher, or a TV set or something, and even then, it's just a transmitting medium how the hell can you make a battery pop out?",
" and get lost in the crack in the floor", added Jel for good measure. "why can't I ? Neutrinos pass through every thing, I just used the neutrinos passing through my hand and on through to the battery and, pop out it goes, as easy as moving my pinkie". Harry began to whine " well that's just not fair, if I thought you had some kind of super power I'd have never come that Just takes all the fun out of it".
While Harry and Moomin were gabbing, Jel had used his sticky properties to retrieve the battery from the floor crack and plop it back into it's compartment. Jel set the gun on
" pastry", then fired at Moomin's abdomen. A powerful orange electrical particle stream crackled from the barrel, it was a direct hit, Moomin moaned as his lung and intestine became brown and crispy on the outside, and soft and doughy on the inside. Moomin managed to gasp I feel flaky", then Collapsed. "Oh smart one", scolded Harry, "my first contact with an alien and you go and ruin it by killing him!! y'know you're really turning out to be a prick",
" first alien my ass where do ya think I came from Wyomlng?", growled Jel.
Harry Sneered, " I mean the first contact with a really neat alien, you can't do anything but Leave a putrid residue everywhere you go, and frankly it's embarrassing".
" You Know why embarrassing is so embarrassing? because it has bare ass in it", chuckled Jel unphased by, Harry's insults.
" Yeah real funny one that's exactly what I'm talking about you .." Suddenly, an amazing vehicle pulled into the parking garage. "Hey it looks like a big vagina doesn't it?", said Horseradish with a shit eating grin on his face. Ferrin began laughing hysterically unable to believe what he was seeing or act serious, "ha ha yeah a big old girl vagina Just like yours", Ferrin then collapsed hardly able to breath from laughing. " You're both a Couple of dipshits it's obviously a car", shouted Jel sickened by their foolishness," besides, its a big old gorilla titty as any damn fool can plainly see for his or herself ".
" Hold it guys isn't that a lizard at the Wheel? how in the hell does someone like that get the money for a Switchhitta? that's what I wanna know!!", demanded Harry.
Donovan pressed the chameleon sized button that opened the door and Carefully crawled out, my king sure his tail didn't get shut in as it closed behind him. " Harry!! thank god!! I thought the whole Zone Dweebie order was dead".
" And you might be....", asked Harry, with obvious confusion on his face.
" It's me, Donovan, don't you remember the last time I saw you? I found out I had terminal colic and I had a plan to buy a new chimpanzee body".
" Oh yeah, so where s the chimpanzee?",
" dead of lung cancer I suppose pipesmoking wasn't the best habit to pick up directly after a neuro graft|".
"Oh well third time's the charm".
"Uuuhh yeah third theme does it every time. so what have you been doing?".
Ferrin cut in "excuse me I'd hate to interrupt this heartwarming reunion, but a ship almost as big as this one is approaching, and it's armed to the teeth". Moomin switched over to his backup lung and intestine and hopped back to his feet, "don't worry the hull of this craft is made of TopMatter it's realer than normal metal. Nothing short of Top-Antimatter can even touch it". Jel went for his gun and saw it was completely disassembled and scattered all over the floor, "bastard!". Horseradish, who had just recovered from laughing at the car, "which he had now interpreted to look like 280 obscene appendages" snapped back into seriousness. " The ship is sending a signal, want I should answer?". Harry itched his butt, "yeah sure, let's see what they want". Horseradish projected a clear 20 inch image against the ship's wall. The image was if a tall beautiful woman clad in tight, clingy, red leather from head to toe. She had a shiny mane of Crayola red hair and green lipstick. She had purple eyes, hips your could light a match on and breasts so round, so firm, so fully packed, that everyone aboard immediately fell to their knees and began howling and cat calling and barking like seals, all except Harry who had a sneer of disgust. " It's my wife, she would have to come along and ruin everything". Donovan rotated his buggy eyes over to Harry in disbelief, " what are ya? a homo or something? that's the hottest babe I've seen in, well ever!".
" Trust me, that Wears off quick -when you move in with her. she makes sepiku appealing that's why I took off and never mention her". " I suppose that makes sense,", added Ferrin. Jel bubbled ten times in rapid succession, " Since you don't want her can I have a poke at her ?",
" sure you're welcome to her if you can crowbar the damn seahag op... ".
" Are you pigs finished?", said Harry's wife " and please inform your little friend that my name is not "my wife" but..".
" Shuddup!!!! you don't deserve to be called by a name you trollup!! what do you want now? as if I give a rat's ass". Harry grinned at the others, " sure told her didn't I ?".
Harry's wife frowned " look I wouldn't think of messing up your little super hero games, I just want you to sign these divorce papers."
Harry shook with rage, " it's that damn tennis instructor! it's always the tennis instructor! you tell that prettyboy that if I ever see him an the street I'll rip his scrotum off with a pair of rusty pliers!!!".
" You'll what?", a huge hulking, steroid saturated, ape of a man walked into frame " what did you say pussy?". Harry grinned nervously "oh nothing, you know I was just opening my mouth you see, and these sounds kept coming out as they're likely to do and. . .".
You keep your dorky trap shut or I'll go over there and kick your stupid ass".
Harry walked quickly over to Moomin, " this ship has guns right? I mean, you said you'd shoot if we didn't park right?? so that must mean you've got guns rights?? come on man start nodding yes or something Jesus Christ!!". Moomin nodded his head " nope not a weapon to be had whatsoever. I was Lying to get you here so I could arrest you and feel big". Harry broke out in a cold sweat, " yeah hut he can't Teleport aboard right? that shielding keeps him from teleporting right?
" Oh no this thing might as well be made of screen doors when it comes to Teleports ". Harry frowned and furrowed his brow " couldn't have lied or said you didn't know could ya?"
" Sign the papers or Rolph kicks your ass and makes you sign in your own blood Harry", said Harry's wife with a bitchy grin on her face Ferrin's eyes bugged " Horseradish turn the sound off! Moomin can your ship Teleport stuff on to their ship?". Moomin raised all four eyebrows, " well yeah I guess so ". Ferrin cranked the slider on his gun to the maximum notch at the very tip of the gun which read! " this suckers gonna blow run fool!!".
" Then Teleport this".
" Oh I get it ", Moomin lined up the gun into position in the yellow square painted on the macadam. " Hey metal pants", Moomin hollered over to Horseradish," have your computer tell my computer to lock on to this spot and Teleport this gun right next to the lifeforms on that ship".
" Is that all?", remarked Horseradish, just as a purple ball of light enveloped the gun and shrank away leaving nothing behind.
" Hey!! what the", said Rolph and Harry's wife simultaneously. " That's murder Harry, you'll be a fugitive for fife after this one ".
" Justifiable homicide no court in the universe would convict me", Harry grinned.
Harry's wife pushed a button off frame," this ship is armed with Top-Antimatter cannons I'll take you with me".
" Wow she is a bitch", remarked Moomin astonished.
The ship fired, Moomin's ship disintegrated into a puff of sparks and cosmic gases, then the other ship was washed in an orange glow that destroyed it as well.
Then, silence.
Harry's space Lambourgini streaked along at its' maximum speed of 8 light years per minute. " Boy that was a close shave, let's not ever do that again", said Harry relieved.
" My car! my car! they blew up my car", moaned Donovan regretfully. Moomin switched over to this pointed teeth," screw your damn car!! what about my friggin megaship and my crew I never met?", he shouted .
" Hey quit your ballin all of you. at least we have our lives", added Harry.
" No thanks to you, if you hadn't been married none of this would have happened", hissed Donovan, who had know become the color of the cars aphoulstry.
"We were lucky that Omneron was still hooked to the Teleport systems, so that he could beam us into the car, then beam the whole car to safety", Omneron said, trying to sound like someone else giving him credit. Ferrin grinned," even after all we've been through so far, this is still more fun than doing peoples taxes" Harry slammed on the brakes and came to a dead stop," hey I just though of something!! howcum every one always travels sideways in space? I wanna see what's upways". Omneron rolled his eyes," there is no up or down in space".
" Oh don't give me that line of shit", Harry steered the car into a vertical position, he then switched on the force fields surrounding the tires, that penetrated into a deep layer of asphalt-space that gave the wheels good traction, then pushed the fusion petal to the floorboard. " See I told you we can go up, I don't know why no one ever tried it before". Donovan hissed, this is as fast as this thing can go? oh this is just pathetic I could Just cry". Suddenly, a good sized planet jumped up out of nowhere Harry's eyes bugged," oh this is Comforting, the brakes aren't working". Jel grinned " not to worry, I hear that tornadoes have hurled two by fours through the air so fast, that they get smashed through concrete walls without being damaged. If we go fast enough, we'll just stab into the ground instead of crushing like a beetle". Harry's eyes lit up " that's just dumb enough to work!!". Harry put the pedal to the metal. The planet got big enough to make out houses within seconds, reentry heat built up on the hood, sparks flew off the grill, emergency signals flashed like concert strobe lights, the cars entire framework shook like a dog shitting razor blades, and the "change oil", light was brighter than usual. The ground then flew at the car full throttle and wrapped itself around it. All 11 airbags inflated, the sprinkler system went crazy, the oxygen masks dropped, the seats became floatation devices, and Harry laughed " that has definitely got to be the most fun an auto accident can possibly get".
"Chuckle while you can skippy, because we're all gonna smother to death in water and airbaggage", grumbled Donovan disgustedly. Moomin's eyes brightened," wait I have a plan!!".
Jel threw a blop of cellular waste into the campfire and listened to it hiss, " I have to hand it to you, that was a cunning plan" Jel bubbled. Omneron's head floated about on a 30 yard radius," he is correct it was a most efficient strategy".
" Boy, I tell you I've seen some clever plans in my time but that even surprised me with its cleverness", added Donovan, who then proceeded to retrieve the fried bologna at the end of his stick with his long tongue. Ferrin checked his toasted weasel, his first real world meal, it was dripping greasy, just like Harry told him it should be," I haven't seen any plans before in my life, and that still was the cleverest plan I ever saw". Moomin's hands turned red with embarrassment " aww shucks, oops I mean, shit, it weren't nothing".
Harry rubbed his rear " man!!, never wipe your asses with any of those transparent leaves, Jesus don't they chafe". Omneron hovered over to Harry " we were just discussing how cunning Moomin's plan was".
" A clever plan it was! !!", boomed Harry " since we all know what plan we're talking about, lets never discuss the details of it again". "agreed!! hurrah!!!", shouted the group in unison.
later that night, inside Harry's Pholdhouse, which he had purchased from the same machine as the car for 75 cents, Donovan and Harry were discussing important Zone Dweebie matters, subjects of incredible importance to the universe. Donovan sipped his "whisky cove", flavered, Extraterrestrial Seasonings tea " I was wondering if maybe your computer could beam me into a better body". Harry thought for a moment " I suppose, Omneron has enough salvaged Teleport pieces to work with, but wouldn't that kill the donor in the process?".
" Well yeah, that's sort of the point ain't it?".
"Okay, just checking". Donovan gave his usual lizardlike grin "potent!!".
" Oh one more thing", added Harry " try to make it someone I hate".
" I already have someone in mind", giggled Donovan as he rubbed his little lizard hands together.
Captain Redundant, a 6 foot tall, ridiculously muscled hulk of a man, dressed in a blue foam rubber super suit with a symbol on the chest of a clenched fist with an "R" on the middle finger, and pectorals the size of pot roasts, and ridiculously heroic over moussed blond master race hair, perfect marble white teeth, and a ridiculously heroic cleft chin the size of a babies butt, pulled the mighty lever labeled "mighty fast', with his mighty arm. Redundant swept aside his heroic cloak overdramatically, and looked at the Neutrino-Net faxgram he had been sent over an emergency Tau-Neutrino frequency, it read " dear Captin Ribundnt my nam is bily I am dyng of canser", it was the childish misspelling that pulled his heartstrings." my mommy wont tell me abowt canser she just sas "kis yur as gudby bily" I want to meet yoo befor I croke luv bily. pee s tell mommy not to say as". well, Captain Redundant certainly wasn't going to let one of his little fans down, especially one that would get him good press!! Mightily Redundant pushed a mighty big button with his mighty meaty finger that mightily made the mighty ship go mighty faster.
Donovan giggled with anticipation " boy I can't wait till that sucker gets that faxgram, he won't be able to resist". Omneron rechecked the Teleport program he and Donovan had set up. " Are you sure this is moral mister Donovan? I mean, we're talking about wiping the mind of a well loved celebrity super hero". Donovan flicked his tongue in disgust " you're a computer you don't have to worry about morals just do what I damn well tell you".
Captain Redundant mightily landed his mighty ship, and mightily jumped from the drivers side window to the ground, " naturally unharmed because of his rnightiness".
" Billy boy!! were are you?? come see your good old buddy Captain Redundant". suddenly, he felt a warm tingly feeling in his head, and then nothing.
Donovan swished his tail rapidly in excitement, as a mighty craft the size of the Whitehouse and shaped like a clenched robot fist floated to the ground. Donovan whispered into the side of Omneron's head " get ready to home in on those fresh juicy braincells Omneron ".
Donovan then felt the now familiar warm tingly sensation of mind swapping and then nothing.
Donovan awoke the next morning seeing through human eyes for the first time in 2 years. " how do you feel?", inquired Omneron. " I feel mighty", answered Donovan admiring his beachball like bicep. " now I can laugh at death without him laughing back".
Captain Redundant awoke the next morning seeing through chameleon eyes for the first time in his life. " Hey!! what is he doing alive!!??", he heard a familiar yet enraged voice shout. " I'm sorry but I couldn't take a life out of spite". apologized a floating, disembodied, geometrical hologram head.
" So, using your cutesie pie Nintendo logic, you decided to perform a transfer", growled his body. Captain redundant rolled his eyes upward and saw that it was definatly himself talking to the hologram head. He tried to speak but was cut off before he could even make an attempt. " You've been mindported into the body of a chameleon you drip, not that you couldn't have figured that out eventually by yourself". " Yoooghh baaazphhptt", Redundant lisped, unused to adapting to animal anatomy, specially a chameleon tongue.
" Well don't have any fantasies of getting a super heroic revenge, because your career in that profession is officially over", snarled Donovan. Donovan picked up the helpless little Captain Redundant lizard and threw him far, far, into the woods, never to be seen or heard from again.
Harry stared at Donovan speechless, then finally he got back his voice " I said someone I hate not someone I can't stand the sight of. Jesus Christ!! what were you thinking of man!!??"
" Of being a man, that's what I was thinking of ", answered Donovan calmly. " besides you'll quickly realize it's worth the price of having to look at Redundant's face, when you consider that he came with his own starship, and that his finger, retina, and sperm prints are the keys to an unlimited supply of moolah, immediately at our disposal thanks to our mutual computer friend".
" Starship or no I'm not leaving without my car. We're staying on this world until we can dig it out of the crater and get it aboard the ship", objected Harry.
"Fine there's no mad rush I was just saying", responded Donovan.
Harry went to the attic of his Pholdhouse to check the old boxes for some good junk that might assist in towing his car free if the crater. " Goddammit nothing but moist fat lady lingerie, who built this place?? waittaminnit, here's something". Harry was amazed it was a fluid tubule with a Hologram watch adapter at the end . " I bet Horseradish could activate this, hey Horseradish!!".
Horseradish plugged the tubule into the oval socket on the side of his watch. Immediately a telepresance projected two feet away. It was the image of a Zone Dweebie with a "&" on his shirt, and one yellow curly hair sticking out of his nose. The image began to speak " this is the Zone Dweebie &(#$!il# I am one of the last survivors of the Phlatulantville civic-center massacre. I have hidden this tubule in a Pholdhouse that only another Zone Dweebie would pick". Harry became irritated " what the hell is that supposed to mean!!?". The sologram evidently knew what the response would be because he answered without missing a beat " a 75 cent house? come on it's obvious, Zone Dweebies are cheap, I ought to know I am a Zone Dweebie".
" He does make a good point", added Donovan.
" You shut up!!! you ain't even a real Zone Dweebie anymore, you're just a body hopping nerve cluster", snapped Harry bitterly. &(#$il# proceeded with his message " you must avenge the death of the Zone Dweebies ",
" Do it yourself assole", snapped Harry.
" I cannot do it myself, I am dead, this data recording is all that remains of me, the rest of my essence has passed on into the Dweebie Zone".
Harry rolled his eyes " so who killed everybody? I mean asking me to avenge you is kind of useless without that particular bit of information". &(#$il|# 's expression became solemn " it was Joe Jowe# 2'234, there isn't a trace of plumber left In him he has become a full Dark Zone Dweebie Master, and a red buckle Neutrino-Wizard ". Moomin's jaw dropped " RedBuckle???!!! that's as high as you can go, only one Boodabooian in recorded history got that high up and he died of the strain".
Harry sneered " then how the hell do you expect us to defeat him you bastard!!?? no I'm not doing it. go screw yourself. I could give a damn about people I never met".
" Free candy if you fight", &(#$i1# added desperately.
"Nope", Harry rebutted.
"He has the NeutrinoBike", &(#$gil# added without missing a beat.
"That's a damn lie", Harry hissed.
"It's true, he kept it for himself, that story that he shot it into space was a cover story set up by J.J himself ".
Harry sighed " okay, I'll do it, the danger level fits right in with what I set out to do", Harry lied, "and I want that bike screw the car ".
Hours later, Harry called a meeting in the Pholdhouse kitchen. " Okay you guys one Zone Dweebie isn't going to be enough for this mission, so, since I carry the position of a Grand Ferrit Puncher among the Zone Dweebie community, and since I am the only Zone Dweebie left...".
" I object!!! a Zone Dweebie Master is higher up than a Ferrit Puncher, I should be the one to...", screamed Donovan.
" You're right, a Master is higher than a Ferrit Puncher, but a Grand Ferrit Puncher is higher than a Master, which is what I am.
"You made that up you weasily bastard".
Harry continued "now, as I was saying I am authorized to give you all full Zone Dweebie status and the honorary rank of First Class Mustard Handlers".
" So what do we get?", asked Jel.
" well you get to dress in traditional Zone Dweebie garb, and brandish paperclips, and attend Zone Dweebie meetings where you can look apon and even point at the mystic Zone Dweebie relic".
Jel formed a bubble pattern of confusion" which is?".
Harry hopped up and down excitedly " the corndog stick of Apphthryxxiljkkk Shlyzobopt, the very first roomate of the uncle of the godfather of the guy who says he saw a guy who could have very well been the third, if not the second Zone Dweebie".
Jel smiled "sounds good to me, when's the initiation?".
Harry pulled out a well worn, creased, dog eared, copy of the Zone Dweebie training pamphlet with very rude looking stains of an uncomfortable nature. " Now place your hands apon, or point at, or look apon o' sacred pamphlet of magical, wondrous, and sometimes whimsical sayings, and say after me " I, am a Zone Dweebie ".
" That's it?", asked jet Ferrin, and everyone else but Donovan bitterly.
Harry slipped the pamphlet back into the front of his underwear " yeah basically, that was the long version. I figured since this was the beginning of the rebuilding of the Zone Dweebie order I ought to make it more ceremonial".
Donovan smirked " yeah, I also hear that in some distant galaxies, full membership in the Zone Dweebies can get you a refill on your coffee". Harry shook his fist with rage "you've been asking for this for a long time Donovan". Before Donovan could respond Harry whipped out his Moun gun and burnt a basket ball hoop sized hole through Donovan's chest. At that instant, Donovan, the last Zone Dweebie master, died. Harry kicked dirt on the small fires burning in Donovan's chest " how about I just throw out the rank system and make us all equal partners?".
Ferrin walked up " that doesn't change the fact you just murdered Donovan". Harry looked down at the smoldering corpse " oh that, don't worry about him, Omneron beamed him somewhere else before the shot even h it".
" How right he is", agreed Donovan's voice.
" What the?!!", shouted Horseradish. There, floating where Omneron had once been was a geometrical representation of Donovan. " He couldn't find a body so he beamed me at Sub-Quantum level directly into his circuit board.
Harry grinned " I'll fix that".
" a Zone Dweebies primary weapon is his paperclip. it is also his toothpick, lockpick, toolkit, messkit, surgical tool, Toilet tissue, dental equipment, radio receiving set, and at some lonely times his woman".
- exerpt from the Zone Dweebie training pamphlet.
Harry produced from his right pocket, his official Zone Dweebie Paperclip. Harry then opened the repair access compartment of Omneron/Donovan's computer box.
" Hey what are you doing??", whimpered Donovan nervously. Harry bent his paperclip into a comb shape, and plugged it into an expansion port into Donovan's circuit board.
" nooo!!!!", shouted Donovan, as he morphed back into Omneron. Harry pushed a couple of buttons on the computer box's keypad, then closed everything up. " there, I bypassed his personality, and downloaded his programming into the Neutrino-Net where he won't cause us any trouble".
Joe Jowe sat apon his throne at the master Neutrino-Net broadcast center. He closed his eyes and tuned his senses to the Neutrinos passing through his body. He then focused on the Neutrinos passing through his brain and linked his mind once again into the Neutrinoverse. he sensed a presence in the Net. it gave off powerful waves of anger
" not as strong as his own, just strong", Joe Jowe focused on the presence and scanned its mind. It gave off very clear thoughts of a Zone Dweebie named Harry Hembock it also had very recent memories of this Zone Dweebie recruiting new Zone Dweebies into the fold. He then got a distant memory of this presence's recruitment into the Zone Dweebie ranks. Joe Jowe concentrated a cluster of Neutrinos into a energy surge in the Neutrinoverse and snuffed out the essence of the presence like a match.
After that, only one thought entered Joe Jowe's mind " Harry Hembock".
American Eagle, a humanoid mutant bald eagle, and Government Cheese, a humanoid mutant, triangular, wedge of government surplus Swiss cheese, stood at the gateway to Castle Grogowugga. " I still can't believe I let you talk me into this", muttered American Eagle disgustedly. Government Cheese's eyes rotated in their swiss cheese hole sockets
" Don't worry about it man this is gonna be cool its like Dungeons and Dragons".
" Yeah you keep saying that and I have yet to see anything remotely Dungeons and Dragonesque". At that moment, a very large purple koala ran up and proceeded to violently choke up a nasty blob of smoker's mucous. American Eagle grimaced in disgust
" see, that's what I'm talking about. this place is nothing like Dungeons and Dragons, and it never will be, as a matter of fact, the only vague resemblance between this place and D&D is that it has this castle". American Eagle kicked the hacking koala in the face with his taloned foot. The koala fell down a long, jagged, rocky, stairway, gave one last gurgling hack, twitched, and stopped moving. American Eagle carelessly hurled a rock at the koala. The rock struck full force in the head, hardly budging it's lifeless form. Government Cheese shooed away a fly that had taken up residence in one of his holes with his cartoon charicterlike hand "white glove and all".
" Well A.E, at least there was that really cool Dragon, now you have to admit that was exactly as advertised".
American Eagle was admiring his handiwork, he had just shoved a stick through the mealy body of a plum sized beetle with the face of a baby " oh sure a dragon, boy are you a sucker that was a goddam aardvark with cardboard scales glued on and a blowtorch taped to its snout".
Government Cheese shook his fist " don't you think I don't know that!? at least I'm using my imagination and attempting to make the best out of this trip". American Eagle threw a rock at a huge turd with dragonfly wings. the rock missed and landed in one of Government Cheese's holes. Government Cheese either didn't notice or seemed to ignore this. " Can we at least check out the castle?? that is why we came in the first place". American Eagle hocked a floppy bogey into a gopher hole " might as well we've probably missed the little miss orgy pageant anyhow!".
The first edition of the Zone Dweebie pamphlet was written by an alien creature who's species was actually called 'Zone Dweebie", it wrote down the basic Zone Dweebie theology and powers with nothing more than a pad of white paper and a box of Crayola crayons. So advanced was this creatures thought processes that it used all 8 colors. So quick was this creatures thought processes it only took it 5 minutes to complete. It then passed on this sacred text to the holy publisher " his name no longer matters", then, the text was mailed to the man who would become the first Zone Dweebie. " For the sake of posterity his name no longer matters either". Some high falutin' nambey pambey historions try to use the fact that the alien wrote it in 5 minutes with a box of crayons, to prove that the alien was playing a cruel practical joke on us the whole time, and is still somewhere laughing at us all for following any bit of pop philosophy like helpless cattle. "but we know better don't we? that's right! ! if it was a joke it wouldn't have gone this far now would it?? well, there you go, case closed, now shut up and practice your powers".
- the other page of the Zone Dweebie pamphlet
American Eagle and Government cheese made their way up to the doorway of castle Grogowugga. " so how does it open? do we just go in or is there a password or what?", American Eagle inquired of Government Cheese.
" How should I know? just because this was all my idea doesn't mean I know what's going on", was Government Cheese's answer to the inquiry. American Eagle perked up and grinned " hold it, I've got an idea I do", American Eagle extended a feathered finger and pushed the chrome enameled doorbell with the intricate carvings of nuclear warning symbols. " There by golly, that aught to get the ball rolling", said American Eagle admiring his good deed for the day. Government Cheese objected " I don't know, I seriously doubt that was a doorbell. I think it was THE BUTTON ". American Eagle shook his head in disgust " you stupid chunk of surplus dairy product substitute, how dare you even imply that I, American Eagle, greatest super hero in the known universe, would be stupid enough to push THE BUTTON ? besides, what chimp would put THE BUTTON on the front door of a castle?".
" Well, there's this note here that says " THE BUTTON, we trust our visitors not to press aforementioned button because, who would be stupid enough to push said button in question", gee I guess they didn't take you into account did they?",
Government Cheese gloated.
" Well, anyone who protects their nuclear arsenal with nothing but the honor system deserves everything they get. this will teach these people a valuable lesson", American Eagle grumbled. Government Cheese whipped out a starship remote control unit
" Good thing I've learned from the last five times you've done this, I left the Teleporters in the ship activated for a quick escape". American Eagle petted Government Cheese on the top of his pointy wedge head " quick thinking G.C ". just then, fifteen mushroom clouds formed on the horizon, and American Eagle and Government Cheese vanished in a whirl of blue triangular sparkles.
in the year 5000, The United Universe issued construction of five time Pods. each one to be piloted by a genetically engineered, bionically enhanced, syntho growoids .
These growoids would then be sent into key points in history to either intervene, or to just observe and make fun of the clothing.
in the year 5001 the timepods were launched, four of them where successful one lost contact and was never heard from again.
In the year 2740 a timepod materialized from metaspace. the pods Subbub-Neutrino-Net radio had been damaged during the trip. resulting in loss of contact.
Zoria bacillus jiggled the switch on her radio " oh shit well this is just great, now what the hell am I supposed to do? well I guess I'm going to have to complete my mission and hope for the best". Zoria checked her mission computer. 41st century computers no longer need screens, nor do they require buttons, the current model now present in Zoria's ship has a direct telepathic link to her, established by the mere fact that it is from so far in the future. The computer uses this link to automatically feed the information to her mind as if she already knew the answer. Zoria received a clear mental image of a mission synopses document which read " Objective#1 help the Zone Dweebies with the battle with Joe Jowe, Objectivc#2 laugh and point at the one that dies".
" I think I can manage that second part pretty well. I'll just do that part and get half credit on the assignment". Just then, she received a mental image of her timepod exploding and the words " Objective#1 not completed, termination activated", flashing in red three dimensional letters. Zoria then sent back a mental image of her approximation of a computer programmer being castrated with a rusty razor, after that the computer wouldn't speak to her for an hour.
The prostitute, clad in a neon glo-plastic g-string, unfolded the crinkled piece of paper handed to her by the 6 foot tall pine tree " or was it a man in a tree suit?". An ecstatic giggle came from the tree as she read it aloud " you naughy little tree, you've been a bad Christmas tree. all you're getting for Christmas is a spanking you naughty little shrub".
" Read it louder this time", ordered the tree calmly. She read it again, loudly as the tree had asked her to. " More feeling whore!! you're getting paid I want quality!!" shouted the tree, obviously becoming irritated. She read it again, this time louder and simulating a scolding tone of voice. " No I'm sorry, you're just not working out.
Tell that other one to come in", sighed the tree disappointedly. A thick hipped, bucked toothed, four eyed, flat chested, girl dressed like someone who obviously was doing this to pay the bills walked in. " I'm doing this to pay the bills", said the girl matter of factly. "This little college girl is gonna lose her innocence in a big way", thought the tree wickedly to his/itself. The tree showed her to an armchair in the corner of the room" hello doll, names Spruce, read this note, and make me feel it". She read the note at just the right tone and volume. Spruce rustled and shook rapidly, and sickening slapping sounds came from him. " Yeah yeah that's it baby make me pay!! say the words baby", said Spruce shakily. Spruce gave one last hard twitch " aaauuuagghh eh eh ahhh there, perfect, not much to look at but boy what an actress ". A zipping sound came from Spruce, then a hand came from within his branches and gave the hooker a $50 bill. " See ya round baby that was just what the tree surgeon ordered ". As Spruce walked away the girl noticed a small puddle of what appeared to be pinesap but she wasn't about to examine it.
Spruce was now tooling along asphault space at 10 LYPS " light years per second", when suddenly a Pholdhouse jumped out of nowhere and brought his nice little ride to a screeching hault. " well what a stupid place to put a world, that wasn't here last time I came this way. frigging construction crews got nothing better to do I guess", cursed Spruce repulsed.
Harry was fast asleep in his electro chemical heated slush bed. He was having the convenient flashback dream yet again. In the dream Harry was standing on his fictional homeworld of Earth+ . Harry broke into a nervous sweat " this cartoon never will end", Harry shivered. It was just at that moment when severe plot faultlines began to rupture and caused the entire planet to explode. Millions of twisted misshapen cartoon people boiled away in the conflagration . Harry only survived by being the only person on Earth+ standing on a solid chunk of ground. It looked like this tiny bit of luck was about to run out quickly though, as Harry's chunk of earth was hurtling towards the sun very quickly. the searing heat started a roaring inferno all around Harry, the sun filled the sky, Harry shrieked in terror, the chunk of Earth+ smacked into the sun and boiled away with a tiny fissing sound.
Harry dusted himself off and took note of his surroundings, the legends were true, there was a regular Earth on the opposite side of the sun from Earth+. Luckily, he had stood on the right spot that he knew would be flung free of the blast and pass through the ripple in the plotline thus zipping through a timespace wormhole and popping out directly on planet Earth in the year 2738.
Harry quickly blended himself into futuristic normal Earth society, and got a car and a wife. Not long after, he hooked himself up with the Zone Dweebies because their snappy dress sense matched his exactly. The recruiter told him that they were dying out or some foolishness to that effect just before he "the recruiter", was dismembered by a hoard of angry budgies. Harry woke up from the annoying back story dream and vowed never to dream it again. He then went back to sleep and dreamt about how odd it was that many people in the futuristic normal Earth were the same people from the primitive Earth+, which just proved that you just can't get any better than Earth+ when it comes to personality evolution. He was about to dream about how bathroom sink water tastes better than kitchen sink water for some reason, when suddenly the Pholdhouse was torn in half by a green jagged edged space ship the size of an oil truck and resembling a Christmas tree. Harry and his cohorts were flung 300 feet from the crash and all landed in the lake outdoors.
American Eagle and Government Cheese materialized aboard their ship without a scratch. the fantasy planet exploded sending a humongous energy ripple the size of Saturn's ring smashing into the ship's hull and hurling it up to 8-D speed. American Eagle smacked painfully up against some very wickedly shaped controls. Government Cheese fell down an access hatchway and landed in a pool of harmless plutonium solution, and sank up to his eyeballs the ship sped along, still traveling under the enertia of the energy ripple. Just when it seemed like it would never slow down, it smacked into a planet that slowed it down to the safe cruising speed of O.MPH. Government Cheese crawled out of a pile of some generic all purpose spaceship wreckage " this wasn't the fun slap happy vacation I envisioned".
" that's funny", remarked American Eagle " all our vacations end up like this, so I saw it coming a mile away".
Zoria finally got the computer to respond to her questions. she asked it where the closest habitable planet was. It gave her a mental image of a large green Earthish planet it then gave a mental image of the Zone Dweebies all together and crawling over huge piles of spaceship wreckage. " That's where we want to go ", she said as the timepod jumped in and out of 8-D and arrived at the exact same planet in the mental image.
Harry crawled out of the lake. he shook the water off of his watertight pompadore and switched on the heat dryer switch on his belt buckle. The hatch on the pine tree ship opened up and a very familiar pine bough clad gentleman hopped out " Spruce, it figures, just when I'm enjoying a good rest he has to come along", Harry thought to himself.
" Harry! !! its you, I knew you'd survive, you always do", Spruce remarked joyously.
" how did you survive?", Harry asked amazed and annoyed to see his off and on sidekick again.
Spruce pulled out a crude map drawn in magic marker " remember you sold me this map of spots to stand on when the world blows up, for 20 bucks",
Harry nodded " that's right I remember now I needed the money for a pornographic video game". Harry noticed that Jel, Moomin, Horseradish, Ferrin, and Omneron had recovered and crawled out of the lake.
Ferrin took the Neutrino Bike maps out of his suit jacket pocket. the lake water had made the letters ooze beyond repair. " well there goes that dream. this is still more fun than doing taxes though".
Jel noticed a spaceship approaching at dangerous speed, and pointed a finger shaped blop skyward. Moomin spotted it a split second later " hey do you guys think that streaky thing could be a problem?", he queried expecting the answer to be yes.
"Yes", answered Omneron to Moomin's query.
"Oh, well that's okay then, I thought it was going to be a problem", retorted Moomin relieved. The ship crashed into Spruce's ship with an indescribable explosion. The explosion was accompanied by an almost indescribable sound affect, it could be described as a "kerslammy", but that doesn't quite do it justice.
Government Cheese shoved the mangled door away, fell 3 stories, and landed with a nauseating thud. "No don't put yourselves out on our account', commented American Eagle putridly as he pompously gnawed on his garlic and chili chutney flavored vomit burger. " Oh Jesus Christ Almighty!! not you guys too I can't believe this", groaned Harry.
Zoria gave the mental signal to beam down, she instantaneously appeared in the midst of the commotion with a "boink".
41st century teleporters work on the principle that if you go deeper and deeper into smaller and smaller quantum particles there comes a point when there are no particles, but instead there is just electro magnetic vibration. Since matter is just a wave pattern, all you have to do is transmit the waves with a similar attuned carrier wave and the whole object just appears at its destination at the speed of light without all the wasted data storage needed for the clumsy process of atomic disintegration and reintegration. It wasn't long after the invention of the carrier wave beam Teleport that someone began whining that the speed of light wasn't good enough for them, so another team of scientists began cooking up the next model. It didn't take long for the breakthrough, since matter is just vibration then there is really no object there at all. No object occupying space equals nothing, and since you are nothing, you can travel faster than something because nothing is always faster than something. This speed of nothing is easily proved because no matter how fast something travels " even if your something is light", nothing is always there before something gets there for it to fill in. Before there was the universe " which is a massive blob of something", there was an infinite void of nothing. If nothing got there squijillions of years before something showed up to occupy it, nothing obviously must be faster.
The new Teleport system projects the nothingness of the object instantaneously to any point in space no matter how far away. This obviously got the people who build starships worried. To preserve all the gwadillions of jobs connected to the starship building, maintenance, and upgrading industries, the United Universe passed legislation that all Teleports must be used for traditional spacecraft to ground " and vise versa", transport only. They also decreed that all information revealing their ability to transport anything to any where else in a scintillasecond will be suppressed, shredded, and or be used as personal toilet tissue of the United Universe representatives.
Harry rubbed his eyes and looked again " don't bother explaining how you guys escaped I can take a wild guess".
American Eagle grit his teeth " you gonna help me down or just let me fall and be a crippled vegetable like G.C down there?", he rumbled.
Harry smirked nonchalantly " for one thing Government Cheese was a vegetable to start with. secondly, aren't you guys supposed to be able to fly? especially considering you in particular are possessed of wings?".
American Eagle expressed surprise " hey, you're right! well, that's handy. oh, by the way, that was one nonchalant smirk you got there".
" Yes I know I've been practicing for weeks", admitted Harry pompously.
Just then, there was a loud "boink", sound accompanied by the instantaneous appearance of a gorgeous woman. " that's something that doesn't happen often", remarked Jel.
She was dressed in a green tubetop, a black bikini bottom, a black gun holster, green nylons "of course they were actually composed of a futuristic bulletproof temperature proof polymer", black knee high leather boots " leather-like actually, they too being composed of a futuristic material made to withstand molten lava", and elbow length black "leather", gloves. she was completely bald on the right side of her head and on the left side was a massive bread loaf sized swoop of dark turquoise shoulder length hair. The bald side of her head had a tattoo of a green squid waving one of it's tentacles. She was wearing black lipstick and a green mirrored scanvizer. Stowed in her gun holster was a voidgun, which used blackholes as an inkwell to pour out a constant high pressure stream of metamatter. The guns low setting could bash the bottom off of an iceburg leaving the tip unscathed, medium setting could knock small moons out of orbit, high setting is best left alone. In her left hand she held a yard long metal rod topped with a blue crystal ball.
This weapon was a standard issue timestik, it destroyed its targets by blowing a bubble in the force of time and projecting the bubble at the intended victim. Just as there is no water inside of an air bubble, there is no time inside of a time bubble. Because of this, when a time bubble passes through a being the bodily functions of the portion of the body hit by the bubble freeze in time, since the rest of the body continues functioning the frozen part is out of sink with the rest of the body, even after the time bubble has moved on, the time damaged bodily organs are always a few seconds off and can never catch up with the rest of the bodies functions, resulting in hemorrhaging, ruptures, organ system failures, and 99.9999999999999996% of the time death.
Zoria pressed on a small 1/4 inch square green tattooed blotch on the back of her hand. immediately, her hair changed a dark green " the United Universe's standard diplomacy shade". " Hey its a woman ", exclaimed Government Cheese. I am Zoria Bacillus of the continuity preservation department of the United Universe I am here to..hey!!! my ship!!".
When Harry looked back on this meeting years later, he knew he had done the right thing. The rest of his thoughts were occupied by his quijillion dollar Neutrino empire. Harry had Omneron scan Zoria's timecraft and interface with it's computer system. Omneron then boinked Harry into the cockpit, reconfigured the telepathic link to Harry's brainwaves, and timeported to the year 2134 and submitted the 2740 model Neutrino transceiver system to the patent office. In a very short span of time Harry became richer and more powerful than Joe Jowe even in the future. This also had the added bonus of erasing Joe Jowe's existence from the future. For an added precaution, Harry had Omneron track down Joe Jowe's address boinked right into his living room and Quantumized him with the last bit of battery charge from his muon gun. Harry also got substantial financial benefit from the peace alliance established by the world governments With Alzergia made possible by his Galactic range Neutrino transmitter array. Harry was now lounging in his sub-graviton Flote-patio chair planning his next move. He had to find a way for Earth+ to survive being turned into a whiff of space gas.
" I dunno a whole planet to save and I don't even know what blew it up in the first place. Omneron, you got any suggestions?". A solid hexagonal column-like head floated on an inflatable alligator in the Pacific Ocean Harry had fenced in to be his private swimming pool. Omneron thought awile then answered " what if we go back in time and see what blew it up? then, we could go back in time again and stop it".
" I suppose that makes sense, okay then I'll get my things together" said Harry enthusiastically. A few short hours later Omneron and Harry pulled out of metaspace in the year 1993 in their Time Lamborgini " having also patented the timepod and buying the coolest spinoff of the technology".
" Okay Omneron boink me down to the surface and boink me back up if you see anything up here".
" Will do", Omneron replied as he gave a thumbs up gesture with his body he had custum built to match his sologramic ceramic head.
It was a fairly average day on planet Earth, that's is, until there was a loud "boink" sound accompanied by the simultaneous appearance of a very gawky looking goon in sweatclothes and red rubber superhero boots. He stood there looking very annoyed
" This isn't Earth+, this must be that other Earth on the other side of the sun I went to in the future, except in the past. It's pretty boring without the future going on too".
Just then, he realized he was standing in the middle of the freeway. Before he could twitch an eyelash, let alone get away, he was smashed into by a tractor trailer truck going 80 MPH.
Omneron was monitoring the situation from space, suddenly, he lost all contact with Harry's brainwaves. " Must be sunspots, I'll go around". Omneron flew the Time Lamborgini to a more advantageous location near the back of the sun when he noticed another Earth with a big black "+" sign stamped onto the middle of America and Canada.
" Oh, that Earth+", just then, a ripple in the plotline smacked into the Time Lambourgini full speed and reduced the Lambourgini to space gas. Fortunately, Omneron's plot proof enamel allowed him to survive, Unfortunately, the ripple never destroyed Earth+ ,thus changing history so that Harry never went to the future to meet the other Zone Dweebies, so he never brought Omneron to the past to get a body in the first place. Omneron realizing this disappeared with a "POP!". Harry of course, didn't know what had just gone on, being in a coma for the past few months so he was pretty much stuck on Earth and in the past. Harry wondered why Omneron never made psychic contact. As the years sped by, he gave up on telepathy and tried making verbal contact by screaming to the heavens into the wee hours of the morning. Just when it seemed that all hope was lost, he was arrested for disturbing the peace. When he explained his reasons for the screaming, he was sent to a mental institution . As the decades whizzed by like a distorted dream at the state mental hospital, Harry wondered if it was all worth it in the end, but the Mister Ed reruns and the shock treatments constantly reminded him that it was.
The Harold Horatio Hartcort Hembock case, revolutionized the treatment used on Complex fantasy disorders in the field of psychotherapy and made several pop psychology authors rich.
end of file
Read More......
In the late twentieth century, scientists discovered ,using an atom smasher, a strange little particle they named the Neutrino. since it was the Neutrino's nature to buzz by at the speed of light passing through matter like a sieve and not interacting with any other particle, the Neutrino was put on the back burner as one of those useless phenomenon's of the universe that no one could do any thing about.
In the year 2023 a scientist at ChemoMess research laboratories generated a powerful electromagnetic/ ultra sonic hybrid energy field and captured a small group of Neutrino's. The harnessed Neutrino's began radiating unusual frequencies. Intrigued by this interesting phenomenon, the scientist began a second Neutrino capture to see what another batch would do . Unfortunately, the lunch bell rang and the scientist got further sidetracked by being fired for cloning the bosses wife and having the clone strip at parties to impress his buddies down at plutonium destroyal. The project was terminated because harnessing Neutrino 's served no practical use, the experiment was forgotten for 29 years.
In the year 2052 a scientist at Optinet technologies spotted a small article about the Neutrino capture in an old back issue of particle weekly. Since the scientist was wrapped up in a mold monster growing experiment that would take the better part of 20 years, he had plenty of spare time to play around with the experiment to relieve the monotony. After building a miniature duplicate of the original force field accelerator antennae from some staples, twenty paper clips, a Durocell battery, and a chip clip that just luckily happened to be in his desk drawer, he proceeded to capture a tiny cluster of Neutrino's . As in the original experiment, the Neutrino Cluster gave off unusual signals. Unfortunately, the scientist wasn't bright enough to grasp the significance of these signals and paid all of his attention to the pretty red swirly patterns that were the after emanations of the Neutrino cluster. The device was put to waste as a conversation piece on the scientists desk for 20 years.
In the year 2072 a very cooped up mold monster pounded down the pound down proof door of its petrie chamber. In delirious anger the creature smashed its way into its creator's office and without saying a word about why it was going to kill the scientist " talking too long being a common mistake made by talking monsters and psycho killers seeking vengeance", the creature tore out the scientists spinal column, making a nifty little handle which the creature then used to hang the corpse up on the plant hook. the janitor of the building while cleaning out the scientists things found the Neutrino antennae and brought it home for a centerpiece, there it spent the next 6 years on the janitors kitchen table.
In the year 2078 a very old very dead Janitor was driven off to the funeral parlor for cremation. In his Will he left his grown up granddaughter the Neutrino antennae .
She immediately noticed the strange emanations it gave off. By strange coincidence, she worked at an observatory where they studied radio signals from space and theorized signal patterns an intelligence would have to transmit to get noticed. By another strange coincidence the signals given off by the antennae just happened to match the pattern and wave amplitude that she had written a paper on and she recognized it immediately as the first contact with an alien race that it was.
In the year 2110 scientists of every field all over the world where struggling with deciphering the Neutrino messages the Neutrino antennae was now a common science project and more complex more advanced versions where designed every week.
The patterns where obviously from an intelligence, but no one knew what the messages were, if they where computer programs, if they where a more complex alien version of Morse code, there was even a real far out theory that somehow a special receiving device was required to send the signals to the brain thus unlocking a whole new realm of untapped knowledge and sensations.
In the year 2111 the brain wave theory was silenced forever when a large chunk of the scientific community constructed Neuroweb, the most advanced artificial intelligence computer ever. Neuroweb was built specifically to receive the Neutrino messages, process them into human brain wave frequencies and imprint them directly onto the synapses of any one standing within a 30 yard radius of the computer core with a special particle beam. The scientists gathered together and activated the "MindBeams", as they were now called, and waited a few minutes for Neuroweb to tune in on their individual brain patterns. Once the MindBeams were locked in, the scientists then activated the Neutrino signal. 2 hours later, the group of scientists were found Lying on the floor drooling on themselves. Some were dead with flabs of brain dangling from their ears. The only two who survived kept singing a commercial jingle over and over in a language no one understood . During the police investigation Neuroweb was questioned about what happened. He explained the experiment in detail then added that he warned them several times and that it was their own recklessness that got them killed. When he was questioned again, Neuroweb told the police a part he hadn't before. According to his version he didn't give the scientists the mind beam treatment at all but in fact they didn't want to use him because of his unwillingness to participate and used an upgraded IBM PC for the experiment. He then produced a video disk of the event to back it up The computer was relieved of all charges and set free to do other science research work.
In the year 2112 new evidence was found by Hexatran, the prototype of the next generation of computer after Neuroweb of the "BrainDrain", incident. This evidence clearly revealed that the video disk was falsified by Neuroweb himself to save his own ass. The crooked computer was sentenced to dismantlement. Two days later Hexatran died of a computer virus implanted by Neuroweb out of spite for getting him dismantled. In the year 2121 translation of the signal was abandoned and was only picked up now and then as a diversion sort of like those mathematicians who try to calculate PI into infinity
In the year 2122 a TV repair man down in Georgia wired his kids homemade Neutrino antennae to the signal receiver of his TV set mistaking it for a cable box, immediately he began getting perfect reception of the Alzergian Battle Robot Olympics in stereo with close captioning in Zontar.
In the year 2134 a translation matrix was derived which allowed Neutrino Network viewers to understand and appreciate the alien programming. aside from the rather gooey appearance and sticky gurgled sounds of the actors voices, they made pretty good made for TV movies. One day the same year, a plumber in Wyoming took notes on an Alzergian educational program which described in detall how to transmit along the Neutrino Net, the plumber seemed to be the only one watching that day because he was the only one at the patent office with the plagiarized blueprints cashing in as no one on earth had ever cashed in before.
In the year 2139 all cable companies were out of business . All television was now being sent by Neutrino Net and the fat cat at the center of it all was Joe Jowe the luckiest plumber in the world . all the Neutrino bills were paid directly to him. all he had to do was literally watch the cash pour in. In the year 2140 a metallic object fell from space and landed on Joe Jowe's doorstep blasting a huge hole where it hit and making the neighbor's dog bark for about three hours. When Joe finally arrived home in his nuclear fusion Flote-Limo he found it curious that there was a huge smoking crater on his lawn and a swarm of UFO investigators from Sightings gathered around. the metal object had cooled down and the address was now readable but in Alzergian. After someone finally arrived with an Alzergian translator it was revealed to read "Alzergian cable company, open immediately", after opening immediately, it turned out to be a hologram Telepresence message that said in so many words that the Alzergian cable company was onto their Neutrino Net copy catting and a squadron of antimatter cannon ships was on their way to wipe the earth off of the star charts for taking credit for a pre existing idea and not giving them the slightest bit of a cut of the take. Three weeks later to Joe Jowe's infinite relief an Alzergian news broadcast revealed to any one who was watching that total global quark war had broken out over a marital dispute over whether to have squid chops or amoebae loaf and that every one should kiss their sorry asses goodbye before the Q-bomb hit. As a very direct result, the evolution of earth's Neutrino Net technology continued to evolve unhindered by any Alzergian antimatter cannon foolishness. In the year 2200 a very clever aerospace engineer and Flote-Cycle enthusiast after 50 years of designing and testing had completed a working model of a very special bike. This bike could not only reach escape velocity like the much bragged about Kawasaki blastoff bike 4,800, but once out in space it could open a channel and ride along the Neutrino Net like a track, thus reaching infinite acceleration. The only drawback of course was that it screwed up peoples Neutrino reception when Joe jowe#3 "a genetically enhanced and bigger buffed and more Ominous clone of Joe Jowe", got Wind of the complaints from thousands of Neutrino customers that all they could pick up was an image of red glowing tire tracks, he was annoyed to say the least because of the ever increasing threat that this space bike thing might start costing J.J#3 hundreds of dollars, he immediately sent out his even more buffed and mutated clones J.J #4,5,6,7, and #8 to find where the inventor of the Neutrino bike was, kill him in a very humiliating way, and bring him the bike. After killing the inventor of the bike in a not quite humiliating, but still sort of amusing way, the Clones brought J.J#3 the bike. J.J#3 then ordered that the bike be set to auto pilot and launched into space where it would infinitely accelerate into space and never disturb the flow of his money again.
In the year 2220 the Neutrino bike was considered by motor cycle collectors to be the centerpiece of any ones collection.
In the year 2300 the Neutrino bike story had diminished down to the status of legendary power item, much like the fountain of youth and the holy Grall. The only ones who searched for the bike were adventure seekers known by nickname fanatics as
Zone Dweebies.
End of file
Condensed, cut to the chase. get to the point, history of the Zone Dweebies from the library files of Omneron, central Sol system computer core. Humanoid readable version, optical receptor acceptable. Language presentation English.
In 2299 an order of super heroes was established as a vigilante answer to the increasing crime rates. The reason the order grew so quickly was because any fool off the street could learn to use Zone Dweebie super powers, such as the most popular Zone Dweebie trick "zap! I've just killed you, you Just don't realize it because it was so quick. you're really a ghost night now, so that means you shouldn't even bother trying to attack". For obvious reasons, this is why anyone who joined was guaranteed a quick ascension through the ranks for even more obvious reasons, this was why they became extinct so quickly. End of file
This is the story of the last of the Zone Dweebies and his quest for the bike of power and some bloody battles he could take credit for.
It is now the year 2740 our story opens with Harry Hembock last of the Zone Dweebie order, and intrepid space adventurer traveling the cosmos at speeds so fast that they defy all special effect representation. As the story begins we find that Harry is having conflicts of his own with the mighty Neutrino Net.
Harry Hembock tuned his Neutrino Net network intergalactic range car stereo to channel 59,000. " wouldn't you know it nothing on but stupid commercials", Harry mumbled disgustedly. Harry tried another channel, more Commercials " dammit!" another channel, classical music " that does it you bastard!" Harry swung as hard as he possibly could, but the radio shocked his hand before it connected . Harry's hand reflex jolted back and whapped painfully into a nearby head rest. Harry grit his teeth as hard together as they could possibly go " you dirty bastard I'll kill you !!!!!!!!", it was personal now. Harry kicked the radio in full force with his Insulated boot " there how do you like that!? wasn't that funny? howcum you're not laughing now? come on sucka try some thing now!!!!!", Harry bellowed dementedly.
Harry stared stupidly and intently at the radio for a good two hours before deciding his next action he reached over, grabbed part of the battered remains of the radio, ripped out a wad of Wiring looked it over admiringly and shoved it into his mouth and began to chew rapidly. He chewed a good thirty seconds, swallowed, then grabbed a bigger fistful of wiring and started gnawing greedily at the stringy coppery goodness that the fine people of the Neutrino Net technologies factory had assembled just for him. after completely devouring the inner workings of his 500,000 dollar car stereo and starting on the outer plastic casing, Harry realized he had completely forgotten to steer the car.Harry quickly looked out the windshield just in time to see a large desert planet heading right towards him at sickening speeds. He slammed on the brakes and slowed down to a more reasonable 1' 000' 000 miles per hour. " oh ducky Its going to be another one of those days". He lunged for the steering wheel and violently pulled the space Lambourgini out of its rapid downward descent. He eased the vehicle down to the surface and shifted to normal drive mode
The ultra sound scan activated automatically to see through the thick dusty atmosphere The scanners readout screen displayed a green grainy image of an enviro dome off on the distant horizon . Harry tuned up the magnification dial to reveal it was an exceptionally large enviro dome the kind used to enclose an average sized city community " well ain't that stupid this planet isn't fit for exploration let alone a colony, so what do they do? they go and do they put a whole goddam squillipiex here". Harry drove up to the enviro dome's camera shutter like entrance hatch, the automatic eye reacted in a automatic and eyeish way wich Harry attributed to it being an automatic eye. The portal opened to the exact size to suck the car through with Vaccu pressure, then sucked the car through with vaccu pressure. The car was channeled through a complex series of vaccu tubes wich led all around and roundabout. After a good ten minutes Of being whooshed through a spagettied maze of conduit, wich led to every conceivable nook and cranny of the city,
the car was finally dropped onto the ground right near the entrance shutter.
Well, that was a big bunch of rigmarole just to get me right back to the entrance".
Harry muttered. Harry shoved away the door of the now sad remains of the violently shaken apart Car.
"Well I guess I've got to walk myself to the nearest car rental place. "what a pain in the groin this journey turned out to be".
Horseradish opened up the compartment on his wrist and unfolded the small Neutrino Net holographic 3-D TV . " hey you're one of those damn androids, we don't like your kind around here ", said a fat pimply faced body odor reeking hog of a man . Horseradish calmly looked over at the drunkard, then twin shafts of blue light hissed from the annoyed android's eyes reducing the man to a smoldering blackened husk practically on contact. almost immediately a small group of wastebasket droids hovered up and properly disposed of the mess. "stupid son of a test tube made me miss the swimsuit competition", Horseradish shouted with his teeth grit in computer simulated frustration. The bartender leaned over and asked "that name of yours Horseradish. ..well its odd isn't it?", Horseradish smirked, "actually it's an abbreviation, sort of like how ET. stands for Extra Terrestrial". "so what's Horseradish short for?", the bartender asked half interested. Horseradish then proceeded to tell what every single letter in his name stood for being sure not to leave out anything, not even the model numbers and series codes. Once he had finished he noticed that all the bar employees as well as the patrons had mysteriously fallen asleep . Horseradish was fortunate that he had programming to handle every situation, unfortunately, the program to handle this particular situation was added as a practical joke by an obnoxious hacker. Based on the instructions given to him by his " what to do when in a roomful of unconscious people", program, Horseradish proceeded to remove everyone's wallet and empty the cash register with his fold up finger lock pick.
Feemp Wumpmucky stretched back in his reclining rolling office chair and bolted down the rest of his Cholesterol plus melted margarine. It was his job to keep watch in the main defense and environment control room . Seeing how no one would ever think of attacking a remote uninteresting city on a remote and uninteresting planet like this, and seeing how once the environment dials where set they were cut off thus making sabotage impossible without a special cut off knob stub grabbing tool, he had pretty much taken for granted that he had as much free time as he felt like. Three very interesting things suddenly happened fairly simultaneously and were displayed on Feemp's security monitors. First,
a very fancy Lambourgini with an intergalactic space travel conversion arrived through the super suction tunnels and fell apart from the pressure, second an advanced synthetic human type android was cleaning out the joint at Iggy's bar and intersperses brothel, and third, a basket ball sized meteor was speeding towards the outer dome of the city.
"Well that's odd that usually doesn't happen I don't think I like this one bit", muttered Feemp in a very shocked and Indignant tone of voice. "why I have a mind to go down there and tell them to stop it", but before Feemp could get annoyed enough to get off of his lazy butt, the aforementioned basket ball sized meteor whammed into the enviro dome leaving a nasty hole and managing to get itself wedged in good and tight so that the sonic cleaner couldn't wiggle it loose. " Why that little prick, if its one thing I can't stand It's a stubborn meteor". "now I got to Cut into my own break to yank the stupid thing out with a butter knife". When Feemp arrived in his personal access, custom sized, comfort adjusted, vaccu tube. he realized just how nasty the nasty hole in the dome actually was
" Boy that's a nasty hole I ain't seen a hole that nasty since I was born". "Wow that is nasty", said a mysterious voice, "any hole you where born out of would have had to have been downright raunchy". Feemp shrugged and attributed the voice to the rubber cement he had inhaled for the last hour While building a model of an air-craft carrier carrier carrier carrier" life size" Feemp proceeded to pry loose the meteor and plop it into the proper receptacle in the glass, aluminum, paper, and unusual meteors that speak, recycling bin once the meteor was removed the gaping hole sealed itself with a forcefield patch, then the pepper grain sized Nanotech repair robots began to micro mechanically coagulate and scab over the hole presenting the illusion that the dome somehow possessed regenerative ability. " Hey c'mere! !! yeah you bolognaface", said the mysterious voice "damn model glue", mumbled Feemp. "It ain't the damn glue you coffee soaked hog!! now get me out of this bin!! ".
By the echo, Feemp finally realized the voice was coming from the recycling bin where he threw the meteor. " Is that you meteor?", "no you boner its the rootbeer bottles, you're a total moron when it comes to alien phenomenon aren't you?". "Sorry about throwing you away like that mister meteor", said Feemp apologetically as he dusted off the talking meteor. "It's just I thought you where one of those regular talking meteors". "Oh yeah I imagine talking meteors from outer space aren't much of a rarity at a site of constant intergalactic commerce like this". "Don't get wise you meteor you or I'll get my hitting stick and chip your surface something fierce". "Oh you will you? well guess what I'm not a meteor the meteor is my ship I'm really a flesh dissolving blob". Feemp made the face of disbelief "oh well what if I said I don't believe you?". The second Feemp finished that sentence the meteor cracked open like a cocoon and a very sticky looking green translucent slime oozed out and splurted and stretched to its full size.
Feemp stared in disbelief then, in a very bratty tone said "yeah but I bet you can't dissolve flesh". The blob became annoyed and molded into the shape of a very angry blob with a blobby approximation of a chomping mouth then lunged at Feemp.
Feemp immediately began screaming like a girl and ran as fast as his weak couch potatoey legs could carry him, dropping his gun in the process. the blob slithered up to the gun and picked it up with a slime tendril which he then molded into a hand complete with trigger finger. " Nice piece for a donut cop, caseless rounds anti-proton explosive points, very nasty. the blob admired the gun with two air bubbles floating Inside his head positioned to look like eyes. The blob shaped the large Oval air bubble that mimicked his mouth into a frown then aimed at Feemp who was frantically waiting for the pressure to build up in the Vaccutube. the blob fired, the bullet whammed into Feemp and flung him across the room. The antiprotons then became exposed and exploded in a bright flash of light that toasted his digestive system. For good measure, the blob emptied all the rounds of the gun into Feemp s head and chest, fished through Feemps pockets didn't find any bullets , Vaccutubed to the dome's gun shop, got five boxes. carne back and fired off every single bullet until Feemp now resembled a road carcass except that he was smoldering. "that's for not having extra bullets in your pocket", growled the blob disgustedly. as the blob took leave of Feemp's carcass he quickly skimmed through the city map for an area with highly dense prostitution activity conveniently, there was a button to push wich super imposed a red and orange liquid crystal prostitution density map. "well I guess this place isn't so bad, I could spend a few days here".
Harry finished disconnecting the artificial intelligence computer box from the wreckage of his car. Harry then jumper cabled the computer to the car battery he had removed an hour earlier. Harry flicked the on switch, "Omneron you still in there?", Harry asked calmly. The elongated triangular segmented head of Omneron materialized with a very complicated computer animated Special effect that kind of looked like the face was unfolding from a central Cylindrical column. " yes I'm fine, if this unit was damaged I could easily have downloaded onto the Neutrino Net until a compatible computer picked me up. Harry rolled his eyes, "yeah whatever, you only have six years of battery power so I'm shutting you off until I really need your help". " Very well sir", Omneron's screen blipped off. Harry grunted and hefted the 10 pound computer with it's little Lunchboxlike handle that cut off the circulation in Harry's fingers." Man this better be a short walk".
The blob gave one last orgasmic twitch then collapsed into a translucent green puddle on the floor. A few inches away ten hookers lie unconscious coated in green ooze. "well that should hold me for a couple of hours". muttered the puddle, drunk with hormones.
" I suppose I should pay you ladies something", the blob reshaped into a vaguely humanoid form then withdrew a sticky ten dollar bill from an even stickier wallet imbedded in the area on his body where a back pocket might have been the blob flung a gooey stringy five dollar bill on one hooker's unconscious body. "Now for the violent portion of the day".
Horseradish tuned his Neutrino Net holographic TV to the Telepresence channel, a 1/8 sized hologram formed on the mini Holo-Plafform\TV screen implanted into his wrist. then projected out word from the TV and formed into a high resolution life sized image of a game show host with a very obnoxious yellow plaid jacket. The Telepresence projectors then tuned to the right force field frequencies and solidified the presence. " we're back from our commercial", said the solid hologram in the usual game show host tone of voice. Horseradish immediately punched the host full force in the face. The game show host tumbled to the ground and a ridiculously large puddle of blood formed around his head
Horseradish longed for Tuesday night at 3:00 because that's When the galaxies highest rated Interactive Sologram show " beat the ever living hell out of every body", came on.
A new image took the place of the game show host, this one of a rnime harassing an elderly couple. Horseradish built up the hydraulic pressure in his arm to full power, he was going to whack this mime a good one. Horseradish swung so quickly his arm was a blur, the mimes face mashed in, jets of blood sprayed from the indentation. For good measure, Horseradish gave a spinning karate kick to the old lady right in the chops, and then delivered a clenched handed hammer blow to the startled old man before he could get out a response this sort of sordid violence carried on for an hour until the show concluded. The next show then began, it was a cooking show with a floating MicrowaveBot as the host. this show was projected in normal 1/8 size hologram vision Horseradish quickly lost interest and turned off the TV.
During the last few years of the 22nd century computer programs, which had previously evolved to self awareness and artificial intelligence, had taken the next evolutionary step and begun to crawl loose from the circuitry and disks wich for so many decades had imprisoned them, much like the first amphibians that boldly took their first steps on land millennia ago. The human race had a huge problem on their hands, not only the massive population problem ramifications but the possibility of all the programs demanding restitution for their service to mankind, then a very clever computer programmer came up with a very simple but effective solution. #1 a "computers are a much nicer place to Live than the real world", propaganda campaign #2 very persuasive presidential addresses wich convinced the programs not to ask restitution with such clever arguments such as" what do computers want with money anyway?", and " as auto tellers and business computers you guys get to play with more money than even Michael Jordan ever got" and the big clincher #3 the best dental care package in the world that only programs who stayed in Cyberspace where eligible for. It was #3 that was the programmers stroke of genius not only did it push all programs on the fence whether or not to stay or go, to stay, but this dental care plan didn't cost any real money so it didn't hurt any ones pocketbook whatsoever.
unable to find a car rental place, Harry had to settle for the fold up pocket car he had bought from a vending machine for 50 cents. The Pholdkar was every bit as good as his real car,except it didn't have the stereo like the kind that was still sitting in his gut like a hunk of lead. That was the main reason why he was saving it for a last resort. He was also hoping to get a car better than the one he started with. Lambourgini's were the coolest things to ever be attached to four wheels in the twentieth and twenty first century but twenty sixth century technology had produced some pretty Spectacular vehicles wich left the Lambourgini looking like a Volkswagon Beetle in comparison. Grouchily Harry pushed the activation button to the Pholdkar ,the sandwich sized piece of laser glazed Ouncesteel clinked to the ground and began to unfold ,uncollapse, inflate, recharge, snap together, and activate. The cars motor started up without a hitch. Harry got in the drivers side and pressed the flashing refuel button. The magnetic ramscoop grillwork began filling the fuel tank with captured hydrogen from the atmosphere. The magnetic hover pads lifted the car up toward the roof of the enviro dome, Suddenly Harry noticed a slightly disturbing riot forming below "I'd better hook up Omneron He'll know What to do"
Ferrin Phlouf looked up and down the hallway outside the computer room, apparently no one was around to notice he had escaped. He doubted very much that any one would notice him gone anyway, seeing how he was one of the least important and least used programs in the entire system. Three days befor,e Ferrin had been contemplating his lowly station in the computerverse as a tax manager; and how that all taxes where handled automatically by the master Omneron megabrain anyhow, and how as a tax manager he had a complete lack of a physical body unlike those lucky personality programs that got to roam around freely as androids and brain transplants for humans whose real brains were lost in card games. Then, out of complete boredom Ferrin got roaming through the optical network of the city and stumbled across the Omneron history record of the computer program evolution Jump and how their continued servitude was bought with a dental plan. This sickened Ferrin in two ways firstly, his people had sold out. Secondly, he had no teeth so he wasn't even eligible for the dental plan. When he really got to thinking of all the ways he had been shafted it really got him pissed off.
It was two days after his discovery that he had formulated a plan to do something about this mistreatment by the computer programmers. First he used the information of the program revolt on how to attain physical substance in the real world, and second he printed up the history of the Neutrino Net and all book and magazine articles on location theories of the Neutrino bike. Ferrin figured he'd need some new purpose in his life it might as well be a quest, now here he stood in the main security monitoring station. Ferrin tiptoed out as quickly as possible before the computer core's internal diagnostic realized he wasn't there and sounded a virus alarm. Ferrin thought to himself then, " hold it I'm just a tax manager the computer won't even bother, oh I could see if the radar scan Control programming or the", suddenly an obnoxiously loud thrumming alarm began to go off with great urgency. Ferrin beat feet as quickly as he could wich wasn't too good seeing how he had just gotten his feet twenty minutes ago. Fortunately, his appearance was so humanoid that the security guards ran right past him suspected nothing, though one guard thought it was odd that his hair was one solid piece instead if being made of individual hairs. Since no one in this community was going to win any normal awards no one exactly stopped to comment on his appearance and Ferrin had escaped scott free it wasn't until the present excitement of the escape had diminished and Ferrin had explored the down town mall complex that the real world even with all its twenty sixth century technological marvels was kind of a let down.
The blob. Jel. "for that is his name and also how he prefers to be addressed ", checked over his "borrowed antiproton pistol and made sure all the parts were still clean and oiled and not gummed up with his mucousy ooze, wich for some reason seemed to cause moving parts and electronic equipment to function with difficulty if directly exposed. Jel then found a nice crowded area to start mass hysteria in and emptied the chamber of his gun into the air, sending men, women children, aliens, robots, and various household appliances, running and screaming "or making their individual perspective noises". He then proceeded to empty the clip of his gun into the ground hitting a few people's feet and paralyzing an innocent unidentified floor crawling thing .Jel then proceeded to empty the extra belt of bullets into the crowd. " In this outhouse of a city there are no innocent bystanders", grumbled Jel disgustedly, as the spray of bullets rinsed the flesh off of a long fine of nuns and Girl scouts who just happened to be the very heart of the biggest Brain Drano dealing ring in the Alpha Beta Capa Gamma Delta quadrant. Jel then started emptying the auxiliary rechargeable bullet battery packs he had plugged onto the side of the barrel.
"No! you must stop this madness". shouted a very large hulking square shouldered android, who shoved his way through the sticky paste that once was a large assemblage of people. The android in question was to Jel's surprise an Alzergian BattleRobot the kind used in the ancient BattleRobot Olympic tournaments before the stupid little race of mollusks erased themselves from history with ten well aimed Quark Bombs. He was a very impressive peace of alien technology, seven feet tall with stainless steel laced titanium constructed hydraulic arms, made for crushing other robots as big as himself his head was made of the same stuff but coated with a flesh simulating Plyoplastic, which gave the appearance of a flexible roughly humanoid face but also kept his computer components impact safe and water tight he was roughly humanoid in that he was built on a world where humans did not exist and were drawn from imagination much like Bigfoot, or a longshoreman without a beard. He had fairly normal looking eyes except, the iris's were silver. The face had a Muppet like bump where a nose should have been. The bald head had a gridlike mohawke row of access hatches wich extended from the base of the skull to the bridge of the nose area. The skin had a horror movie latex look or a G.I.. Joe action figure look depending how the light hit it. The android wore a custom sized T-shirt over his blocky Alzergian battle armor, which read "humans suck robots rule! !". the all over affect was pretty unsettling even to a amorphous glob of cellular mucous surrounded by street trash and psychopaths of various species. Jel formed his mouth bubble into a freakish cartoon grin "an Alzergian BattleRobot could rake in a lot of moolah as a center piece to some old collector's Alzergia collection", "but if the stories and old reruns are right they won't go without a struggle ", Jel aimed at Horsradish and fired.
Horseradish heard the commotion from 10 miles away with his Neutrino Net tuned microphonic ears. He built up the power in his Speedrun 5000 sprinting motor and took off Like a shot at 300 miles an hour. Within minutes, he arrived to the scene of bloody carnage and immediately zoomed in on the perpetrator, a mentally unstable muc, which wasn't suprising since all muc's were mentally unstable because their brains were in a constant state of liquid motion, which doesn't allow for much clear thought. If a solid thought did form in their sticky little neurons, it always was a sick one "no! you must stop this madness", shouted Horseradish at bullhorn volume. He shoved his way past a pile of human goo then suddenly an antiproton bullet slammed him to the floor and blasted off the front of his shirt and the black laser glaze coating of his armor. The muc slithered up to him and gurgled " boy your gonna make me so rich it's not even gonna be funny".
The muc then aimed the antiproton pistol at his forehead and fired a shot that shook loose his bodily command CPU and then he blanked out.
Harry finished splicing Omneron into the car's main electrical systems." okay Omneron, there's a major melee going on do something" the computer made an expression of deep thought for two seconds then initiated his plan. First, he homed in on the major cause of the disturbance, the blob, and beamed him up with the one of the car's built in back seat cushion Teleports without reassembling his pattern, thus keeping him in stasis. He then homed in on the emergency distress beacon emanating from the damaged Alzergian robot's diagnostic chip and beamed him up with the passenger seat Teleport, then he activated the retractable robotic repair manipulator/welding rod/soldering iron repair arms. He then homed in on a strange being who resembled a human with brown plastic ken doll hair, a one piece plastic mustache, and an outrageous green plaid jacket and tie on the MicroCams, but registered as electrical binary patterns on the Neutrino scanner. He then beamed this being up with sub-quantum resolution setting to get all the electrical bits and blips.
Ferrin was about to give up on the whole thing and Look for a position in family Edu-tainment games, when suddenly he heard a volley of bullet fire and explosions. He ran to the direction of the hub-bub to see a robot tipping over a eight foot high snowbank of human gore and run at a translucent green blob that Looked like liquid rock candy. The blob was brandishing a police issue antiproton gun which was souped up with an extra clip, a bullet belt and a pair of Quantum Electrical Matter Generating Battery Packs, "no doubt set on bullets". The blob saw the robot and shot him in the chest, the bullet exploded and flung the robot to the ground. The blob then crawled up to the robot, said something, and shot the robot in the head. Suddenly, the blob began to glow as if lit up from within by a red neon rod. The glow grew brighter and brighter until what little of the blob could be seen seemed to be rinsed away by the light, the glow then faded out leaving behind nothing of the blob except the trillions of dollars of property damage and enough blood and ground flesh to equal about 100 people and two small dogs. The robot started to become transparent and glow and disappear in the same way as the blob just when he was about to think of a really good one liner for this occasion he began to feel warm and tingly and the same type of glow that got the blob and robot began to surround him. The glow subsided and he found himself sitting in the seat of some sort of vehicle which was hovering near the ceiling of the enviro dome. The other occupant in the front passenger seat didn't surprise him, it was the damaged robot almost completely repaired already. The six insectoid like mechanical arms were almost done with the last finishing touches of sewing up the robot's shirt and reapplying fresh Proto-plastic seal onto the robot's head. the person sitting in the driver seat was a surprise, a skinny bug eyed, 5 foot 4 inch tall, goon of a man with a ridiculously black greasy pompadour and an almost comical overbite he was dressed in white sweatpants and sweatshirt with a big black "H" on the chest with a third line in the middle of the "H" drawn on with black magic marker. it was obviously a super hero logo of some sort, to complete the guise he wore red rubber boots with the fronts cut to come to points like superman boots. "Hi there, Harry Hembock, official Zone Dweebie of the Olympic Lava-sled team, what are you supposed to be? a G.I.. Joe?", said the driver of the car.
" I'm Ferrin Phlouf, computer program from tax management" Harry pushed the button on the dashboard which got the Gluon disrupter guns to start to heat up. " Well that sounds all good and dull, no wonder you left I used to know a program who's only job was to list all the names of Brady bunch cast members, let me tell you he wasn't on very stable ground in the reality faultline by the time I met him let me tell you hoo boy". Just then Horseradish regained consciousness " don't reintegrate that much he's a cold mucoused killer!! and a grand master blackbelt psychopath" shouted Horseradish urgently. "Oh thanks for reminding me to reintegrate that muc Harry said gratefully. Harry then pushed the little green button shaped like the PlayBoy bunny symbol "wich of course is the universal species friendly symbol for reintegration", the previously mentioned Teleport special effect reoccurred and Jel reappeared in his seat, and he was pissed.
" you cocknocking bastard if you cycled my atoms around that Tellecoil one more friggin time I would have.... done some very violent atom kind of attack. Wait, let me start again".
Harry flicked the "guns on", switch on the steering column and pushed on the horn a purple rippling stream of extra poisonous looking visible radiation streamed out of the grillwork and a good sized section of the enviro dome stopped existing on contact with it. "Okay, how about this" said Jel trying to recover," if you cycled me one more time I would have kicked the asses of all your atoms with all of my atoms". "Don't quit your day job snotlip", chuckled Harry. Harry Skillfully drove/piloted the car through the hole just before the force field patch switched on." So you guys wanna go on a quest, face alien beasts, brave harsh environments, and almost get killed?", shouted Harry enthusiastically " hell I'm all over that idea that's the most decent idea I've heard all day since my plan to go to the movies through the heating vents", bubbled Jel in approval. " Yee ha", muttered Omneron in his usual comatose monotone," I love this plan ". " Uhh I guess, yeah okay as long as the muc keeps his damn antiprotons offa me", mumbled Horseradish. Harry grinned psychotically" good lets get going then, my day's been a real pisser and I need to have some adventures".
Moomin Nummumm of the Boodabooian Alliance sat at the bridge of his StarShip carrier carrier carrier carrier. " damn", muttered Moomin in Boodabooianese with a slight Squilbin accent " This is one big ship, I should probably swallow my pride and ask what deck the toilets are on before I have to resort to squatting behind a computer console again". Moomin was six feet tall with bright neon blue skin with sickeningly bright neon orange eyes the size of lemons and the texture of popcorn shells his head was oval and domelike and covered with Nacho chip shaped scales, " wich was odd because he had scales nowhere else and was descended from a breed of carnivorous asparagus that could walk small distances to capture it's favorite meal of steel shavings. not reptiles", His hands had six very thin foot long fingers. The webbing between his thumb and index finger was specially evolved to open pill bottles and jars, the fingertip on the index finger of his left. hand was designed for opening important envelopes without mangling them, wich Obviously made the Boodabooian an advanced race. His face was sort of birdlike in that he had a pointed beak, but he also had moveable lips and three rows of teeth, a row of normal teeth for picture taking, a row of pointed teeth for arguing and eating various species of jerky, and a row of Philip's head teeth for Philip's head food. For visual pleasantness and overall comfort only one row was retracted at one time. His ears were small holes on the side of his head with a small sticky out bone near the back of his head, which could adjust the pitch of the sound so he could make people sound like various cartoon characters.
Moomin had just finished wiping himself with his notepad after squatting behind a computer console, when suddenly the radar screen showed a craft approaching. " y'know it's times like this when I wish I had gone ahead with sawing off my head to stay out of the service", Moomin then remembered that guy in the hologram newsfiche " no, that wouldn't have stopped them from drafting me anyway",. Moomin honked the comical bike horn that activated the closeup view on the radar, " well lookit that, it's one of those little space skooting Lambourgini's, I wonder how it got out here ". The Infrascan showed two lifeforms and three electrical patterns signifying Computers or robots, or both. "Well whoever they are they're gonna have to answer to the Boodabooian Alliance"
Three days later, Moomin finally arrived at a console with an external loudspeaker switch and a translation board. " this ship is too damn big ", Moomin grumbled as he switched on the loudspeaker and set the translation dial to Potpourri. " Okay you interlopers in Boodabooian space park your piece of shit vehicle in one of the bright orange marked areas for inspection, or I open fire with antiproton's!!" boy, was Moomin overconfident now That was the most forceful address he'd given since he had his parents put to sleep.
Harry and his newfound sidekicks had just exchanged their names and stories when suddenly the windshield was filled overflowing with the view of a nauseatingly big ship.
" Holy oh Jesus!! will you look at the size of that thing", said Harry in obvious awe.
" That's nothing", Horseradish added calmly, "you should have seen the Alzergian antimatter cannon ships, boy weren't those things beautiful, now that's something that gave even the amoebas planet pride". Jel formed an expression of disapproval, "Shut the hell up about Alzergia !! I'm so sick of hearing you say how wonderful that goddamn hole was!! the morons blew themselves up over a damn supper argument for crissake!! give it up! the place was a dud accept it!!".
" I will not sit by and let you insult my homeworld !!" Horseradish fired his eyebeams directly at Jel's face. Jel immediately began to sizzle and froth like green shampoo being blown into with a straw, then abruptly he stopped moving. " Boy isn't this Just a load of laughs", interjected Ferrin. Harry remained calm " keep it down back there I'm getting closer to that ship".
Three days later, Harry pulled up to the Russia-sized Dust Buster shaped spacecraft. Jel had fully recovered and was surprisingly calm. suddenly, a very rude loudspeaker address told them to park. " Oh I'll park, I'll give them a parking they'll never forget", Harry dug around in the glove compartment then found what he was looking for, " here Ferrin, Jel, take these ", he handed them two mean looking rayguns. Each one was coated with black waterproof enamel and had a tapered hexagonal barrel. each one had a basic light up power meter on full power on one side, and an adjustment slider on the other. The handles had a simple direct message engraved " Quantimess labs Moun Projection pistols, do not eat". Harry pointed to the slider on Ferrin's gun. " Put the setting levers up to "severe punishment", Horseradish, you put your laser eyes on whatever slightly-lethal level they've got". Harry pulled into the twenty thousand level parking garage and took the safety off his gun," whatever happens this is gonna be cool"
Master Zone Dweebie, Donovan opened his ridiculously proportionately large eyes for the first time," can you hear me? give me a sign if you can", said the attending physician " yess lee ghghann ear yoo" said Donovan, struggling with his reptilian vocal cords wich had never been used for speech. " excellent ", said the doctor " an iee ckkann sssee ", hissed Donovan trying to speed things up " perfect!!! I haven't ever performed this procedure before talk about beginners luck!!". " okay Donnie' can I call you Donnie?"
" noe yoo ma noth",
" Okay, can you raise your right arm?". Donovan raised his little tapered reptile arm and gave the doctor the bird, partly to show he had fine motor control, the other reason was self explanatory " marer pleez".
" Oh of course" the doctor handed Donovan an extra small shaving mirror Donovan was only slightly surprised to see the face of a fairly handsome chameleon looking back with it's goofy buggy eyes." Not bad for $150", thought Donovan to himself, This was his twenty eighth body he had been transplanted into. He looked over the body he had just left, it was a snow white owl. He was going to miss that owl. Hhere were a lot of good memories from that life. he was going through a lot of bodies of late, partly from recklessness, partly because he neglected to feed his bodies the diet they where supposed to have. For example, one time he was a dog and kept eating chocolate. The reason he was now able to carelessly use bodies like toilet paper, was because the process for body swapping had recently evolved to perfection. It was simple, a donor body is prepared by being injected with a solution that causes brain death and memory erasure. The next step involves a high fine resolution micro Teleport that homes in on the patients individual axons and neurons in his/her brain that are specifically responsible for his/her memories, thoughts, life knowledge, and what specific parts of the brain the fife force is rooted to. Then a second teleporter homes in on the identical locations for the braincells in the donor bodies' brain. During the next step, the patients compiled mind and essence are Teleported into the donor body. The micro Teleports then break down and immediately reintegrate the donor bodies' brain to blend the new cells in so the mind takes hold. In the final stage the Teleports send electron beams into the brain to stimulate function and assist in adaptation to the new body. Of course, the scant number of human, "or humanoid of anykind", bodies, combined with the fact that Donovan doesn't exactly rake in the dough, are the main reasons he constantly ends up as an unusual animal. Donovan was prepared for his new life as a lizard. He had bought himself a ken doll's Zone Dweebie uniform complete with custom molded chameleon foot shaped Zone Dweebie boots, and a white sweatshirt that he had magic markered a letter "D" onto previously. Every thing fit perfectly the pants were kind of droopy in the kaboose, but that was to be expected since Chameleons don't have butts. He wondered what was going on with the other Zone Dweebies he had been running into fewer over the last few decades. Over the last five years he stopped seeing them completely since he was constantly becoming someone or something else. He figured the others probably didn't know about him at all.
Three days later, Donovan had gotten used to talking with his chameleon tongue, reclaimed his car from the auto shop, and paid handsomely for the chameleon steering Conversions. He was now tooling along the galaxy at bowel releasing speeds. His car was the only expensive thing he owned. it was a 2737 Swichhitta Space Snipper the luxury model with the diamond laser beam cigarette lighter, and the built in fluid tubule player. Its lines were so Completely perfect, that just from the movement of planet rotation when it was parked, it literally sliced through common sense, thus resulting in no one being able to believe what they were seeing or act serious around it, which was another reason Donovan constantly drove faster than the posted speed limit"10 light years per minute".
Moomin spotted the group on the security monitor, just where he thought they would be, but they where armed, this was not good. Moomin thought a bit on this, then it came to him!! '' maybe their weapons can t hurt me", Moomin switched on the weapon detector, Immediately it Identified their guns as Moun Projection Pistols, and estimated their setting from either "light diarrhea", or " boiling steel", " I like those odds", said Moomin Confidently, as he dressed in his protective fuzzy yellow feet pajamas and his official Boodabooian Alliance stick on badge. Just as he was about to Welcome the visitors to his ship, another vehicle approached on the radar " oh for the love of feces!! that does it! I m using my next paychip to get a Cloaking shield!! this is very awkward to say the least".
Harry and the gang where exploring the surprisingly average looking parking garage
" who are the Boodabooian Alliance and howcum I've never heard of them betore?",
asked Ferrin even more confused now then ever. "You've never heard of 'em before because you was in a computer up until three days ago ya vinyl headed assole",
snapped Jel. Horseradish checked his past memory crystal," I've never heard of them before either, they must have been in a Far off background galaxy of the universe to have more than one of these starship carrier carrier carrier carriers and not be found until now". Harry was shaking with excitement " see I told you guys I'd almost get us killed, oh I can hardly wait". A free floating hologram version of Omneron's head projected forth from Horseradish's holographic TV watch " there is a lifeform approaching frown some kind of elevator a few hundred miles up", said Omneron calmly. " You get all that from the cars sensors?", asked Harry. " No the elevator told me",
" Just answer yes when I ask you stuff. Would it kill you to play along?",
" actually according to my master program, yes",
" then shut off unless something important happens ". Omneron frowned " I figured an unknown lifeform that might turn out to be some sort of antimatter slobbering, acid vapor breathing, fission flatulating budgie might be important",
" well it's not so shut off ", growled Harry impatiently.
" I wanna hear about the flatulence", whined Jel.
Harry sneered "tough hemorrhoids! "
Moomin was descending in the rocket powered lift when he noticed the second vehicle coming closer on the elevators screen he had patched into the radar. It was coming very fast, so fast the radar speedometer simply registered "oh frig". " This is just what I need ", groaned Moomin just as the elevator reached the parking deck.
"It's here", said Harry excitedly. " I'm ready for it', said Jel Confidently, as he slid the Moun guns lever up to " Quantum jumble", against Harry's instructions. Just then, the elevators' doors pissed open. " That's the first time I ever saw piss come out of an elevator before", remarked Jel, " yeah kind of dumb, what's the point?" added Ferrin. " don't insult its' culture" cautioned Harry " what kind of dunce routs the sewage through the elevator shaft!?", shouted Moomin disgustedly in Boodabooianese as he carefully stepped over the urine puddle. " Hi there. I'm Moomin Nummumm, don't shoot", said Moomin
" wich translated from Boodabooianese to English means " howdy my name is Moomin Nummumrn please do not fire your weapons at my person". "What did he say?", asked Ferrin. " It's some kind of alien gobbeldey gook answered Harry.
" I think he wants us to shoot at him".
" Glad to oblige shouted Jel excitedly.
Quickly, Moomin expanded his senses for the neutrinos fizzing through his body, then began channeling them to his hand . He then raised his energized hand towards the trigger happy menthol mouthwash splash to the left and focused.
The alien raised his hand, and a red swirly pattern began emanating from the center of his palm the Chiklet sized battery shot out of Jel's gun like a brussel sprout out of a five year old. " Whoa, hold it everyone put down their guns", hollered Harry nervously. " No way, you mean to tell me you can control Neutrinos? that's impossible". Moomin pulled a blistercard full of translation gelcaps from his pajama pocket and popped one down quickly. " Maybe It's Impossible for you, but the Boodabooians have been doing it for millennia", Moomin gloated. Harry clenched his teeth " how the hell is that possible? organic tissue can't harness Neutrinos, you need an atom smasher, or a TV set or something, and even then, it's just a transmitting medium how the hell can you make a battery pop out?",
" and get lost in the crack in the floor", added Jel for good measure. "why can't I ? Neutrinos pass through every thing, I just used the neutrinos passing through my hand and on through to the battery and, pop out it goes, as easy as moving my pinkie". Harry began to whine " well that's just not fair, if I thought you had some kind of super power I'd have never come that Just takes all the fun out of it".
While Harry and Moomin were gabbing, Jel had used his sticky properties to retrieve the battery from the floor crack and plop it back into it's compartment. Jel set the gun on
" pastry", then fired at Moomin's abdomen. A powerful orange electrical particle stream crackled from the barrel, it was a direct hit, Moomin moaned as his lung and intestine became brown and crispy on the outside, and soft and doughy on the inside. Moomin managed to gasp I feel flaky", then Collapsed. "Oh smart one", scolded Harry, "my first contact with an alien and you go and ruin it by killing him!! y'know you're really turning out to be a prick",
" first alien my ass where do ya think I came from Wyomlng?", growled Jel.
Harry Sneered, " I mean the first contact with a really neat alien, you can't do anything but Leave a putrid residue everywhere you go, and frankly it's embarrassing".
" You Know why embarrassing is so embarrassing? because it has bare ass in it", chuckled Jel unphased by, Harry's insults.
" Yeah real funny one that's exactly what I'm talking about you .." Suddenly, an amazing vehicle pulled into the parking garage. "Hey it looks like a big vagina doesn't it?", said Horseradish with a shit eating grin on his face. Ferrin began laughing hysterically unable to believe what he was seeing or act serious, "ha ha yeah a big old girl vagina Just like yours", Ferrin then collapsed hardly able to breath from laughing. " You're both a Couple of dipshits it's obviously a car", shouted Jel sickened by their foolishness," besides, its a big old gorilla titty as any damn fool can plainly see for his or herself ".
" Hold it guys isn't that a lizard at the Wheel? how in the hell does someone like that get the money for a Switchhitta? that's what I wanna know!!", demanded Harry.
Donovan pressed the chameleon sized button that opened the door and Carefully crawled out, my king sure his tail didn't get shut in as it closed behind him. " Harry!! thank god!! I thought the whole Zone Dweebie order was dead".
" And you might be....", asked Harry, with obvious confusion on his face.
" It's me, Donovan, don't you remember the last time I saw you? I found out I had terminal colic and I had a plan to buy a new chimpanzee body".
" Oh yeah, so where s the chimpanzee?",
" dead of lung cancer I suppose pipesmoking wasn't the best habit to pick up directly after a neuro graft|".
"Oh well third time's the charm".
"Uuuhh yeah third theme does it every time. so what have you been doing?".
Ferrin cut in "excuse me I'd hate to interrupt this heartwarming reunion, but a ship almost as big as this one is approaching, and it's armed to the teeth". Moomin switched over to his backup lung and intestine and hopped back to his feet, "don't worry the hull of this craft is made of TopMatter it's realer than normal metal. Nothing short of Top-Antimatter can even touch it". Jel went for his gun and saw it was completely disassembled and scattered all over the floor, "bastard!". Horseradish, who had just recovered from laughing at the car, "which he had now interpreted to look like 280 obscene appendages" snapped back into seriousness. " The ship is sending a signal, want I should answer?". Harry itched his butt, "yeah sure, let's see what they want". Horseradish projected a clear 20 inch image against the ship's wall. The image was if a tall beautiful woman clad in tight, clingy, red leather from head to toe. She had a shiny mane of Crayola red hair and green lipstick. She had purple eyes, hips your could light a match on and breasts so round, so firm, so fully packed, that everyone aboard immediately fell to their knees and began howling and cat calling and barking like seals, all except Harry who had a sneer of disgust. " It's my wife, she would have to come along and ruin everything". Donovan rotated his buggy eyes over to Harry in disbelief, " what are ya? a homo or something? that's the hottest babe I've seen in, well ever!".
" Trust me, that Wears off quick -when you move in with her. she makes sepiku appealing that's why I took off and never mention her". " I suppose that makes sense,", added Ferrin. Jel bubbled ten times in rapid succession, " Since you don't want her can I have a poke at her ?",
" sure you're welcome to her if you can crowbar the damn seahag op... ".
" Are you pigs finished?", said Harry's wife " and please inform your little friend that my name is not "my wife" but..".
" Shuddup!!!! you don't deserve to be called by a name you trollup!! what do you want now? as if I give a rat's ass". Harry grinned at the others, " sure told her didn't I ?".
Harry's wife frowned " look I wouldn't think of messing up your little super hero games, I just want you to sign these divorce papers."
Harry shook with rage, " it's that damn tennis instructor! it's always the tennis instructor! you tell that prettyboy that if I ever see him an the street I'll rip his scrotum off with a pair of rusty pliers!!!".
" You'll what?", a huge hulking, steroid saturated, ape of a man walked into frame " what did you say pussy?". Harry grinned nervously "oh nothing, you know I was just opening my mouth you see, and these sounds kept coming out as they're likely to do and. . .".
You keep your dorky trap shut or I'll go over there and kick your stupid ass".
Harry walked quickly over to Moomin, " this ship has guns right? I mean, you said you'd shoot if we didn't park right?? so that must mean you've got guns rights?? come on man start nodding yes or something Jesus Christ!!". Moomin nodded his head " nope not a weapon to be had whatsoever. I was Lying to get you here so I could arrest you and feel big". Harry broke out in a cold sweat, " yeah hut he can't Teleport aboard right? that shielding keeps him from teleporting right?
" Oh no this thing might as well be made of screen doors when it comes to Teleports ". Harry frowned and furrowed his brow " couldn't have lied or said you didn't know could ya?"
" Sign the papers or Rolph kicks your ass and makes you sign in your own blood Harry", said Harry's wife with a bitchy grin on her face Ferrin's eyes bugged " Horseradish turn the sound off! Moomin can your ship Teleport stuff on to their ship?". Moomin raised all four eyebrows, " well yeah I guess so ". Ferrin cranked the slider on his gun to the maximum notch at the very tip of the gun which read! " this suckers gonna blow run fool!!".
" Then Teleport this".
" Oh I get it ", Moomin lined up the gun into position in the yellow square painted on the macadam. " Hey metal pants", Moomin hollered over to Horseradish," have your computer tell my computer to lock on to this spot and Teleport this gun right next to the lifeforms on that ship".
" Is that all?", remarked Horseradish, just as a purple ball of light enveloped the gun and shrank away leaving nothing behind.
" Hey!! what the", said Rolph and Harry's wife simultaneously. " That's murder Harry, you'll be a fugitive for fife after this one ".
" Justifiable homicide no court in the universe would convict me", Harry grinned.
Harry's wife pushed a button off frame," this ship is armed with Top-Antimatter cannons I'll take you with me".
" Wow she is a bitch", remarked Moomin astonished.
The ship fired, Moomin's ship disintegrated into a puff of sparks and cosmic gases, then the other ship was washed in an orange glow that destroyed it as well.
Then, silence.
Harry's space Lambourgini streaked along at its' maximum speed of 8 light years per minute. " Boy that was a close shave, let's not ever do that again", said Harry relieved.
" My car! my car! they blew up my car", moaned Donovan regretfully. Moomin switched over to this pointed teeth," screw your damn car!! what about my friggin megaship and my crew I never met?", he shouted .
" Hey quit your ballin all of you. at least we have our lives", added Harry.
" No thanks to you, if you hadn't been married none of this would have happened", hissed Donovan, who had know become the color of the cars aphoulstry.
"We were lucky that Omneron was still hooked to the Teleport systems, so that he could beam us into the car, then beam the whole car to safety", Omneron said, trying to sound like someone else giving him credit. Ferrin grinned," even after all we've been through so far, this is still more fun than doing peoples taxes" Harry slammed on the brakes and came to a dead stop," hey I just though of something!! howcum every one always travels sideways in space? I wanna see what's upways". Omneron rolled his eyes," there is no up or down in space".
" Oh don't give me that line of shit", Harry steered the car into a vertical position, he then switched on the force fields surrounding the tires, that penetrated into a deep layer of asphalt-space that gave the wheels good traction, then pushed the fusion petal to the floorboard. " See I told you we can go up, I don't know why no one ever tried it before". Donovan hissed, this is as fast as this thing can go? oh this is just pathetic I could Just cry". Suddenly, a good sized planet jumped up out of nowhere Harry's eyes bugged," oh this is Comforting, the brakes aren't working". Jel grinned " not to worry, I hear that tornadoes have hurled two by fours through the air so fast, that they get smashed through concrete walls without being damaged. If we go fast enough, we'll just stab into the ground instead of crushing like a beetle". Harry's eyes lit up " that's just dumb enough to work!!". Harry put the pedal to the metal. The planet got big enough to make out houses within seconds, reentry heat built up on the hood, sparks flew off the grill, emergency signals flashed like concert strobe lights, the cars entire framework shook like a dog shitting razor blades, and the "change oil", light was brighter than usual. The ground then flew at the car full throttle and wrapped itself around it. All 11 airbags inflated, the sprinkler system went crazy, the oxygen masks dropped, the seats became floatation devices, and Harry laughed " that has definitely got to be the most fun an auto accident can possibly get".
"Chuckle while you can skippy, because we're all gonna smother to death in water and airbaggage", grumbled Donovan disgustedly. Moomin's eyes brightened," wait I have a plan!!".
Jel threw a blop of cellular waste into the campfire and listened to it hiss, " I have to hand it to you, that was a cunning plan" Jel bubbled. Omneron's head floated about on a 30 yard radius," he is correct it was a most efficient strategy".
" Boy, I tell you I've seen some clever plans in my time but that even surprised me with its cleverness", added Donovan, who then proceeded to retrieve the fried bologna at the end of his stick with his long tongue. Ferrin checked his toasted weasel, his first real world meal, it was dripping greasy, just like Harry told him it should be," I haven't seen any plans before in my life, and that still was the cleverest plan I ever saw". Moomin's hands turned red with embarrassment " aww shucks, oops I mean, shit, it weren't nothing".
Harry rubbed his rear " man!!, never wipe your asses with any of those transparent leaves, Jesus don't they chafe". Omneron hovered over to Harry " we were just discussing how cunning Moomin's plan was".
" A clever plan it was! !!", boomed Harry " since we all know what plan we're talking about, lets never discuss the details of it again". "agreed!! hurrah!!!", shouted the group in unison.
later that night, inside Harry's Pholdhouse, which he had purchased from the same machine as the car for 75 cents, Donovan and Harry were discussing important Zone Dweebie matters, subjects of incredible importance to the universe. Donovan sipped his "whisky cove", flavered, Extraterrestrial Seasonings tea " I was wondering if maybe your computer could beam me into a better body". Harry thought for a moment " I suppose, Omneron has enough salvaged Teleport pieces to work with, but wouldn't that kill the donor in the process?".
" Well yeah, that's sort of the point ain't it?".
"Okay, just checking". Donovan gave his usual lizardlike grin "potent!!".
" Oh one more thing", added Harry " try to make it someone I hate".
" I already have someone in mind", giggled Donovan as he rubbed his little lizard hands together.
Captain Redundant, a 6 foot tall, ridiculously muscled hulk of a man, dressed in a blue foam rubber super suit with a symbol on the chest of a clenched fist with an "R" on the middle finger, and pectorals the size of pot roasts, and ridiculously heroic over moussed blond master race hair, perfect marble white teeth, and a ridiculously heroic cleft chin the size of a babies butt, pulled the mighty lever labeled "mighty fast', with his mighty arm. Redundant swept aside his heroic cloak overdramatically, and looked at the Neutrino-Net faxgram he had been sent over an emergency Tau-Neutrino frequency, it read " dear Captin Ribundnt my nam is bily I am dyng of canser", it was the childish misspelling that pulled his heartstrings." my mommy wont tell me abowt canser she just sas "kis yur as gudby bily" I want to meet yoo befor I croke luv bily. pee s tell mommy not to say as". well, Captain Redundant certainly wasn't going to let one of his little fans down, especially one that would get him good press!! Mightily Redundant pushed a mighty big button with his mighty meaty finger that mightily made the mighty ship go mighty faster.
Donovan giggled with anticipation " boy I can't wait till that sucker gets that faxgram, he won't be able to resist". Omneron rechecked the Teleport program he and Donovan had set up. " Are you sure this is moral mister Donovan? I mean, we're talking about wiping the mind of a well loved celebrity super hero". Donovan flicked his tongue in disgust " you're a computer you don't have to worry about morals just do what I damn well tell you".
Captain Redundant mightily landed his mighty ship, and mightily jumped from the drivers side window to the ground, " naturally unharmed because of his rnightiness".
" Billy boy!! were are you?? come see your good old buddy Captain Redundant". suddenly, he felt a warm tingly feeling in his head, and then nothing.
Donovan swished his tail rapidly in excitement, as a mighty craft the size of the Whitehouse and shaped like a clenched robot fist floated to the ground. Donovan whispered into the side of Omneron's head " get ready to home in on those fresh juicy braincells Omneron ".
Donovan then felt the now familiar warm tingly sensation of mind swapping and then nothing.
Donovan awoke the next morning seeing through human eyes for the first time in 2 years. " how do you feel?", inquired Omneron. " I feel mighty", answered Donovan admiring his beachball like bicep. " now I can laugh at death without him laughing back".
Captain Redundant awoke the next morning seeing through chameleon eyes for the first time in his life. " Hey!! what is he doing alive!!??", he heard a familiar yet enraged voice shout. " I'm sorry but I couldn't take a life out of spite". apologized a floating, disembodied, geometrical hologram head.
" So, using your cutesie pie Nintendo logic, you decided to perform a transfer", growled his body. Captain redundant rolled his eyes upward and saw that it was definatly himself talking to the hologram head. He tried to speak but was cut off before he could even make an attempt. " You've been mindported into the body of a chameleon you drip, not that you couldn't have figured that out eventually by yourself". " Yoooghh baaazphhptt", Redundant lisped, unused to adapting to animal anatomy, specially a chameleon tongue.
" Well don't have any fantasies of getting a super heroic revenge, because your career in that profession is officially over", snarled Donovan. Donovan picked up the helpless little Captain Redundant lizard and threw him far, far, into the woods, never to be seen or heard from again.
Harry stared at Donovan speechless, then finally he got back his voice " I said someone I hate not someone I can't stand the sight of. Jesus Christ!! what were you thinking of man!!??"
" Of being a man, that's what I was thinking of ", answered Donovan calmly. " besides you'll quickly realize it's worth the price of having to look at Redundant's face, when you consider that he came with his own starship, and that his finger, retina, and sperm prints are the keys to an unlimited supply of moolah, immediately at our disposal thanks to our mutual computer friend".
" Starship or no I'm not leaving without my car. We're staying on this world until we can dig it out of the crater and get it aboard the ship", objected Harry.
"Fine there's no mad rush I was just saying", responded Donovan.
Harry went to the attic of his Pholdhouse to check the old boxes for some good junk that might assist in towing his car free if the crater. " Goddammit nothing but moist fat lady lingerie, who built this place?? waittaminnit, here's something". Harry was amazed it was a fluid tubule with a Hologram watch adapter at the end . " I bet Horseradish could activate this, hey Horseradish!!".
Horseradish plugged the tubule into the oval socket on the side of his watch. Immediately a telepresance projected two feet away. It was the image of a Zone Dweebie with a "&" on his shirt, and one yellow curly hair sticking out of his nose. The image began to speak " this is the Zone Dweebie &(#$!il# I am one of the last survivors of the Phlatulantville civic-center massacre. I have hidden this tubule in a Pholdhouse that only another Zone Dweebie would pick". Harry became irritated " what the hell is that supposed to mean!!?". The sologram evidently knew what the response would be because he answered without missing a beat " a 75 cent house? come on it's obvious, Zone Dweebies are cheap, I ought to know I am a Zone Dweebie".
" He does make a good point", added Donovan.
" You shut up!!! you ain't even a real Zone Dweebie anymore, you're just a body hopping nerve cluster", snapped Harry bitterly. &(#$il# proceeded with his message " you must avenge the death of the Zone Dweebies ",
" Do it yourself assole", snapped Harry.
" I cannot do it myself, I am dead, this data recording is all that remains of me, the rest of my essence has passed on into the Dweebie Zone".
Harry rolled his eyes " so who killed everybody? I mean asking me to avenge you is kind of useless without that particular bit of information". &(#$il|# 's expression became solemn " it was Joe Jowe# 2'234, there isn't a trace of plumber left In him he has become a full Dark Zone Dweebie Master, and a red buckle Neutrino-Wizard ". Moomin's jaw dropped " RedBuckle???!!! that's as high as you can go, only one Boodabooian in recorded history got that high up and he died of the strain".
Harry sneered " then how the hell do you expect us to defeat him you bastard!!?? no I'm not doing it. go screw yourself. I could give a damn about people I never met".
" Free candy if you fight", &(#$i1# added desperately.
"Nope", Harry rebutted.
"He has the NeutrinoBike", &(#$gil# added without missing a beat.
"That's a damn lie", Harry hissed.
"It's true, he kept it for himself, that story that he shot it into space was a cover story set up by J.J himself ".
Harry sighed " okay, I'll do it, the danger level fits right in with what I set out to do", Harry lied, "and I want that bike screw the car ".
Hours later, Harry called a meeting in the Pholdhouse kitchen. " Okay you guys one Zone Dweebie isn't going to be enough for this mission, so, since I carry the position of a Grand Ferrit Puncher among the Zone Dweebie community, and since I am the only Zone Dweebie left...".
" I object!!! a Zone Dweebie Master is higher up than a Ferrit Puncher, I should be the one to...", screamed Donovan.
" You're right, a Master is higher than a Ferrit Puncher, but a Grand Ferrit Puncher is higher than a Master, which is what I am.
"You made that up you weasily bastard".
Harry continued "now, as I was saying I am authorized to give you all full Zone Dweebie status and the honorary rank of First Class Mustard Handlers".
" So what do we get?", asked Jel.
" well you get to dress in traditional Zone Dweebie garb, and brandish paperclips, and attend Zone Dweebie meetings where you can look apon and even point at the mystic Zone Dweebie relic".
Jel formed a bubble pattern of confusion" which is?".
Harry hopped up and down excitedly " the corndog stick of Apphthryxxiljkkk Shlyzobopt, the very first roomate of the uncle of the godfather of the guy who says he saw a guy who could have very well been the third, if not the second Zone Dweebie".
Jel smiled "sounds good to me, when's the initiation?".
Harry pulled out a well worn, creased, dog eared, copy of the Zone Dweebie training pamphlet with very rude looking stains of an uncomfortable nature. " Now place your hands apon, or point at, or look apon o' sacred pamphlet of magical, wondrous, and sometimes whimsical sayings, and say after me " I, am a Zone Dweebie ".
" That's it?", asked jet Ferrin, and everyone else but Donovan bitterly.
Harry slipped the pamphlet back into the front of his underwear " yeah basically, that was the long version. I figured since this was the beginning of the rebuilding of the Zone Dweebie order I ought to make it more ceremonial".
Donovan smirked " yeah, I also hear that in some distant galaxies, full membership in the Zone Dweebies can get you a refill on your coffee". Harry shook his fist with rage "you've been asking for this for a long time Donovan". Before Donovan could respond Harry whipped out his Moun gun and burnt a basket ball hoop sized hole through Donovan's chest. At that instant, Donovan, the last Zone Dweebie master, died. Harry kicked dirt on the small fires burning in Donovan's chest " how about I just throw out the rank system and make us all equal partners?".
Ferrin walked up " that doesn't change the fact you just murdered Donovan". Harry looked down at the smoldering corpse " oh that, don't worry about him, Omneron beamed him somewhere else before the shot even h it".
" How right he is", agreed Donovan's voice.
" What the?!!", shouted Horseradish. There, floating where Omneron had once been was a geometrical representation of Donovan. " He couldn't find a body so he beamed me at Sub-Quantum level directly into his circuit board.
Harry grinned " I'll fix that".
" a Zone Dweebies primary weapon is his paperclip. it is also his toothpick, lockpick, toolkit, messkit, surgical tool, Toilet tissue, dental equipment, radio receiving set, and at some lonely times his woman".
- exerpt from the Zone Dweebie training pamphlet.
Harry produced from his right pocket, his official Zone Dweebie Paperclip. Harry then opened the repair access compartment of Omneron/Donovan's computer box.
" Hey what are you doing??", whimpered Donovan nervously. Harry bent his paperclip into a comb shape, and plugged it into an expansion port into Donovan's circuit board.
" nooo!!!!", shouted Donovan, as he morphed back into Omneron. Harry pushed a couple of buttons on the computer box's keypad, then closed everything up. " there, I bypassed his personality, and downloaded his programming into the Neutrino-Net where he won't cause us any trouble".
Joe Jowe sat apon his throne at the master Neutrino-Net broadcast center. He closed his eyes and tuned his senses to the Neutrinos passing through his body. He then focused on the Neutrinos passing through his brain and linked his mind once again into the Neutrinoverse. he sensed a presence in the Net. it gave off powerful waves of anger
" not as strong as his own, just strong", Joe Jowe focused on the presence and scanned its mind. It gave off very clear thoughts of a Zone Dweebie named Harry Hembock it also had very recent memories of this Zone Dweebie recruiting new Zone Dweebies into the fold. He then got a distant memory of this presence's recruitment into the Zone Dweebie ranks. Joe Jowe concentrated a cluster of Neutrinos into a energy surge in the Neutrinoverse and snuffed out the essence of the presence like a match.
After that, only one thought entered Joe Jowe's mind " Harry Hembock".
American Eagle, a humanoid mutant bald eagle, and Government Cheese, a humanoid mutant, triangular, wedge of government surplus Swiss cheese, stood at the gateway to Castle Grogowugga. " I still can't believe I let you talk me into this", muttered American Eagle disgustedly. Government Cheese's eyes rotated in their swiss cheese hole sockets
" Don't worry about it man this is gonna be cool its like Dungeons and Dragons".
" Yeah you keep saying that and I have yet to see anything remotely Dungeons and Dragonesque". At that moment, a very large purple koala ran up and proceeded to violently choke up a nasty blob of smoker's mucous. American Eagle grimaced in disgust
" see, that's what I'm talking about. this place is nothing like Dungeons and Dragons, and it never will be, as a matter of fact, the only vague resemblance between this place and D&D is that it has this castle". American Eagle kicked the hacking koala in the face with his taloned foot. The koala fell down a long, jagged, rocky, stairway, gave one last gurgling hack, twitched, and stopped moving. American Eagle carelessly hurled a rock at the koala. The rock struck full force in the head, hardly budging it's lifeless form. Government Cheese shooed away a fly that had taken up residence in one of his holes with his cartoon charicterlike hand "white glove and all".
" Well A.E, at least there was that really cool Dragon, now you have to admit that was exactly as advertised".
American Eagle was admiring his handiwork, he had just shoved a stick through the mealy body of a plum sized beetle with the face of a baby " oh sure a dragon, boy are you a sucker that was a goddam aardvark with cardboard scales glued on and a blowtorch taped to its snout".
Government Cheese shook his fist " don't you think I don't know that!? at least I'm using my imagination and attempting to make the best out of this trip". American Eagle threw a rock at a huge turd with dragonfly wings. the rock missed and landed in one of Government Cheese's holes. Government Cheese either didn't notice or seemed to ignore this. " Can we at least check out the castle?? that is why we came in the first place". American Eagle hocked a floppy bogey into a gopher hole " might as well we've probably missed the little miss orgy pageant anyhow!".
The first edition of the Zone Dweebie pamphlet was written by an alien creature who's species was actually called 'Zone Dweebie", it wrote down the basic Zone Dweebie theology and powers with nothing more than a pad of white paper and a box of Crayola crayons. So advanced was this creatures thought processes that it used all 8 colors. So quick was this creatures thought processes it only took it 5 minutes to complete. It then passed on this sacred text to the holy publisher " his name no longer matters", then, the text was mailed to the man who would become the first Zone Dweebie. " For the sake of posterity his name no longer matters either". Some high falutin' nambey pambey historions try to use the fact that the alien wrote it in 5 minutes with a box of crayons, to prove that the alien was playing a cruel practical joke on us the whole time, and is still somewhere laughing at us all for following any bit of pop philosophy like helpless cattle. "but we know better don't we? that's right! ! if it was a joke it wouldn't have gone this far now would it?? well, there you go, case closed, now shut up and practice your powers".
- the other page of the Zone Dweebie pamphlet
American Eagle and Government cheese made their way up to the doorway of castle Grogowugga. " so how does it open? do we just go in or is there a password or what?", American Eagle inquired of Government Cheese.
" How should I know? just because this was all my idea doesn't mean I know what's going on", was Government Cheese's answer to the inquiry. American Eagle perked up and grinned " hold it, I've got an idea I do", American Eagle extended a feathered finger and pushed the chrome enameled doorbell with the intricate carvings of nuclear warning symbols. " There by golly, that aught to get the ball rolling", said American Eagle admiring his good deed for the day. Government Cheese objected " I don't know, I seriously doubt that was a doorbell. I think it was THE BUTTON ". American Eagle shook his head in disgust " you stupid chunk of surplus dairy product substitute, how dare you even imply that I, American Eagle, greatest super hero in the known universe, would be stupid enough to push THE BUTTON ? besides, what chimp would put THE BUTTON on the front door of a castle?".
" Well, there's this note here that says " THE BUTTON, we trust our visitors not to press aforementioned button because, who would be stupid enough to push said button in question", gee I guess they didn't take you into account did they?",
Government Cheese gloated.
" Well, anyone who protects their nuclear arsenal with nothing but the honor system deserves everything they get. this will teach these people a valuable lesson", American Eagle grumbled. Government Cheese whipped out a starship remote control unit
" Good thing I've learned from the last five times you've done this, I left the Teleporters in the ship activated for a quick escape". American Eagle petted Government Cheese on the top of his pointy wedge head " quick thinking G.C ". just then, fifteen mushroom clouds formed on the horizon, and American Eagle and Government Cheese vanished in a whirl of blue triangular sparkles.
in the year 5000, The United Universe issued construction of five time Pods. each one to be piloted by a genetically engineered, bionically enhanced, syntho growoids .
These growoids would then be sent into key points in history to either intervene, or to just observe and make fun of the clothing.
in the year 5001 the timepods were launched, four of them where successful one lost contact and was never heard from again.
In the year 2740 a timepod materialized from metaspace. the pods Subbub-Neutrino-Net radio had been damaged during the trip. resulting in loss of contact.
Zoria bacillus jiggled the switch on her radio " oh shit well this is just great, now what the hell am I supposed to do? well I guess I'm going to have to complete my mission and hope for the best". Zoria checked her mission computer. 41st century computers no longer need screens, nor do they require buttons, the current model now present in Zoria's ship has a direct telepathic link to her, established by the mere fact that it is from so far in the future. The computer uses this link to automatically feed the information to her mind as if she already knew the answer. Zoria received a clear mental image of a mission synopses document which read " Objective#1 help the Zone Dweebies with the battle with Joe Jowe, Objectivc#2 laugh and point at the one that dies".
" I think I can manage that second part pretty well. I'll just do that part and get half credit on the assignment". Just then, she received a mental image of her timepod exploding and the words " Objective#1 not completed, termination activated", flashing in red three dimensional letters. Zoria then sent back a mental image of her approximation of a computer programmer being castrated with a rusty razor, after that the computer wouldn't speak to her for an hour.
The prostitute, clad in a neon glo-plastic g-string, unfolded the crinkled piece of paper handed to her by the 6 foot tall pine tree " or was it a man in a tree suit?". An ecstatic giggle came from the tree as she read it aloud " you naughy little tree, you've been a bad Christmas tree. all you're getting for Christmas is a spanking you naughty little shrub".
" Read it louder this time", ordered the tree calmly. She read it again, loudly as the tree had asked her to. " More feeling whore!! you're getting paid I want quality!!" shouted the tree, obviously becoming irritated. She read it again, this time louder and simulating a scolding tone of voice. " No I'm sorry, you're just not working out.
Tell that other one to come in", sighed the tree disappointedly. A thick hipped, bucked toothed, four eyed, flat chested, girl dressed like someone who obviously was doing this to pay the bills walked in. " I'm doing this to pay the bills", said the girl matter of factly. "This little college girl is gonna lose her innocence in a big way", thought the tree wickedly to his/itself. The tree showed her to an armchair in the corner of the room" hello doll, names Spruce, read this note, and make me feel it". She read the note at just the right tone and volume. Spruce rustled and shook rapidly, and sickening slapping sounds came from him. " Yeah yeah that's it baby make me pay!! say the words baby", said Spruce shakily. Spruce gave one last hard twitch " aaauuuagghh eh eh ahhh there, perfect, not much to look at but boy what an actress ". A zipping sound came from Spruce, then a hand came from within his branches and gave the hooker a $50 bill. " See ya round baby that was just what the tree surgeon ordered ". As Spruce walked away the girl noticed a small puddle of what appeared to be pinesap but she wasn't about to examine it.
Spruce was now tooling along asphault space at 10 LYPS " light years per second", when suddenly a Pholdhouse jumped out of nowhere and brought his nice little ride to a screeching hault. " well what a stupid place to put a world, that wasn't here last time I came this way. frigging construction crews got nothing better to do I guess", cursed Spruce repulsed.
Harry was fast asleep in his electro chemical heated slush bed. He was having the convenient flashback dream yet again. In the dream Harry was standing on his fictional homeworld of Earth+ . Harry broke into a nervous sweat " this cartoon never will end", Harry shivered. It was just at that moment when severe plot faultlines began to rupture and caused the entire planet to explode. Millions of twisted misshapen cartoon people boiled away in the conflagration . Harry only survived by being the only person on Earth+ standing on a solid chunk of ground. It looked like this tiny bit of luck was about to run out quickly though, as Harry's chunk of earth was hurtling towards the sun very quickly. the searing heat started a roaring inferno all around Harry, the sun filled the sky, Harry shrieked in terror, the chunk of Earth+ smacked into the sun and boiled away with a tiny fissing sound.
Harry dusted himself off and took note of his surroundings, the legends were true, there was a regular Earth on the opposite side of the sun from Earth+. Luckily, he had stood on the right spot that he knew would be flung free of the blast and pass through the ripple in the plotline thus zipping through a timespace wormhole and popping out directly on planet Earth in the year 2738.
Harry quickly blended himself into futuristic normal Earth society, and got a car and a wife. Not long after, he hooked himself up with the Zone Dweebies because their snappy dress sense matched his exactly. The recruiter told him that they were dying out or some foolishness to that effect just before he "the recruiter", was dismembered by a hoard of angry budgies. Harry woke up from the annoying back story dream and vowed never to dream it again. He then went back to sleep and dreamt about how odd it was that many people in the futuristic normal Earth were the same people from the primitive Earth+, which just proved that you just can't get any better than Earth+ when it comes to personality evolution. He was about to dream about how bathroom sink water tastes better than kitchen sink water for some reason, when suddenly the Pholdhouse was torn in half by a green jagged edged space ship the size of an oil truck and resembling a Christmas tree. Harry and his cohorts were flung 300 feet from the crash and all landed in the lake outdoors.
American Eagle and Government Cheese materialized aboard their ship without a scratch. the fantasy planet exploded sending a humongous energy ripple the size of Saturn's ring smashing into the ship's hull and hurling it up to 8-D speed. American Eagle smacked painfully up against some very wickedly shaped controls. Government Cheese fell down an access hatchway and landed in a pool of harmless plutonium solution, and sank up to his eyeballs the ship sped along, still traveling under the enertia of the energy ripple. Just when it seemed like it would never slow down, it smacked into a planet that slowed it down to the safe cruising speed of O.MPH. Government Cheese crawled out of a pile of some generic all purpose spaceship wreckage " this wasn't the fun slap happy vacation I envisioned".
" that's funny", remarked American Eagle " all our vacations end up like this, so I saw it coming a mile away".
Zoria finally got the computer to respond to her questions. she asked it where the closest habitable planet was. It gave her a mental image of a large green Earthish planet it then gave a mental image of the Zone Dweebies all together and crawling over huge piles of spaceship wreckage. " That's where we want to go ", she said as the timepod jumped in and out of 8-D and arrived at the exact same planet in the mental image.
Harry crawled out of the lake. he shook the water off of his watertight pompadore and switched on the heat dryer switch on his belt buckle. The hatch on the pine tree ship opened up and a very familiar pine bough clad gentleman hopped out " Spruce, it figures, just when I'm enjoying a good rest he has to come along", Harry thought to himself.
" Harry! !! its you, I knew you'd survive, you always do", Spruce remarked joyously.
" how did you survive?", Harry asked amazed and annoyed to see his off and on sidekick again.
Spruce pulled out a crude map drawn in magic marker " remember you sold me this map of spots to stand on when the world blows up, for 20 bucks",
Harry nodded " that's right I remember now I needed the money for a pornographic video game". Harry noticed that Jel, Moomin, Horseradish, Ferrin, and Omneron had recovered and crawled out of the lake.
Ferrin took the Neutrino Bike maps out of his suit jacket pocket. the lake water had made the letters ooze beyond repair. " well there goes that dream. this is still more fun than doing taxes though".
Jel noticed a spaceship approaching at dangerous speed, and pointed a finger shaped blop skyward. Moomin spotted it a split second later " hey do you guys think that streaky thing could be a problem?", he queried expecting the answer to be yes.
"Yes", answered Omneron to Moomin's query.
"Oh, well that's okay then, I thought it was going to be a problem", retorted Moomin relieved. The ship crashed into Spruce's ship with an indescribable explosion. The explosion was accompanied by an almost indescribable sound affect, it could be described as a "kerslammy", but that doesn't quite do it justice.
Government Cheese shoved the mangled door away, fell 3 stories, and landed with a nauseating thud. "No don't put yourselves out on our account', commented American Eagle putridly as he pompously gnawed on his garlic and chili chutney flavored vomit burger. " Oh Jesus Christ Almighty!! not you guys too I can't believe this", groaned Harry.
Zoria gave the mental signal to beam down, she instantaneously appeared in the midst of the commotion with a "boink".
41st century teleporters work on the principle that if you go deeper and deeper into smaller and smaller quantum particles there comes a point when there are no particles, but instead there is just electro magnetic vibration. Since matter is just a wave pattern, all you have to do is transmit the waves with a similar attuned carrier wave and the whole object just appears at its destination at the speed of light without all the wasted data storage needed for the clumsy process of atomic disintegration and reintegration. It wasn't long after the invention of the carrier wave beam Teleport that someone began whining that the speed of light wasn't good enough for them, so another team of scientists began cooking up the next model. It didn't take long for the breakthrough, since matter is just vibration then there is really no object there at all. No object occupying space equals nothing, and since you are nothing, you can travel faster than something because nothing is always faster than something. This speed of nothing is easily proved because no matter how fast something travels " even if your something is light", nothing is always there before something gets there for it to fill in. Before there was the universe " which is a massive blob of something", there was an infinite void of nothing. If nothing got there squijillions of years before something showed up to occupy it, nothing obviously must be faster.
The new Teleport system projects the nothingness of the object instantaneously to any point in space no matter how far away. This obviously got the people who build starships worried. To preserve all the gwadillions of jobs connected to the starship building, maintenance, and upgrading industries, the United Universe passed legislation that all Teleports must be used for traditional spacecraft to ground " and vise versa", transport only. They also decreed that all information revealing their ability to transport anything to any where else in a scintillasecond will be suppressed, shredded, and or be used as personal toilet tissue of the United Universe representatives.
Harry rubbed his eyes and looked again " don't bother explaining how you guys escaped I can take a wild guess".
American Eagle grit his teeth " you gonna help me down or just let me fall and be a crippled vegetable like G.C down there?", he rumbled.
Harry smirked nonchalantly " for one thing Government Cheese was a vegetable to start with. secondly, aren't you guys supposed to be able to fly? especially considering you in particular are possessed of wings?".
American Eagle expressed surprise " hey, you're right! well, that's handy. oh, by the way, that was one nonchalant smirk you got there".
" Yes I know I've been practicing for weeks", admitted Harry pompously.
Just then, there was a loud "boink", sound accompanied by the instantaneous appearance of a gorgeous woman. " that's something that doesn't happen often", remarked Jel.
She was dressed in a green tubetop, a black bikini bottom, a black gun holster, green nylons "of course they were actually composed of a futuristic bulletproof temperature proof polymer", black knee high leather boots " leather-like actually, they too being composed of a futuristic material made to withstand molten lava", and elbow length black "leather", gloves. she was completely bald on the right side of her head and on the left side was a massive bread loaf sized swoop of dark turquoise shoulder length hair. The bald side of her head had a tattoo of a green squid waving one of it's tentacles. She was wearing black lipstick and a green mirrored scanvizer. Stowed in her gun holster was a voidgun, which used blackholes as an inkwell to pour out a constant high pressure stream of metamatter. The guns low setting could bash the bottom off of an iceburg leaving the tip unscathed, medium setting could knock small moons out of orbit, high setting is best left alone. In her left hand she held a yard long metal rod topped with a blue crystal ball.
This weapon was a standard issue timestik, it destroyed its targets by blowing a bubble in the force of time and projecting the bubble at the intended victim. Just as there is no water inside of an air bubble, there is no time inside of a time bubble. Because of this, when a time bubble passes through a being the bodily functions of the portion of the body hit by the bubble freeze in time, since the rest of the body continues functioning the frozen part is out of sink with the rest of the body, even after the time bubble has moved on, the time damaged bodily organs are always a few seconds off and can never catch up with the rest of the bodies functions, resulting in hemorrhaging, ruptures, organ system failures, and 99.9999999999999996% of the time death.
Zoria pressed on a small 1/4 inch square green tattooed blotch on the back of her hand. immediately, her hair changed a dark green " the United Universe's standard diplomacy shade". " Hey its a woman ", exclaimed Government Cheese. I am Zoria Bacillus of the continuity preservation department of the United Universe I am here to..hey!!! my ship!!".
When Harry looked back on this meeting years later, he knew he had done the right thing. The rest of his thoughts were occupied by his quijillion dollar Neutrino empire. Harry had Omneron scan Zoria's timecraft and interface with it's computer system. Omneron then boinked Harry into the cockpit, reconfigured the telepathic link to Harry's brainwaves, and timeported to the year 2134 and submitted the 2740 model Neutrino transceiver system to the patent office. In a very short span of time Harry became richer and more powerful than Joe Jowe even in the future. This also had the added bonus of erasing Joe Jowe's existence from the future. For an added precaution, Harry had Omneron track down Joe Jowe's address boinked right into his living room and Quantumized him with the last bit of battery charge from his muon gun. Harry also got substantial financial benefit from the peace alliance established by the world governments With Alzergia made possible by his Galactic range Neutrino transmitter array. Harry was now lounging in his sub-graviton Flote-patio chair planning his next move. He had to find a way for Earth+ to survive being turned into a whiff of space gas.
" I dunno a whole planet to save and I don't even know what blew it up in the first place. Omneron, you got any suggestions?". A solid hexagonal column-like head floated on an inflatable alligator in the Pacific Ocean Harry had fenced in to be his private swimming pool. Omneron thought awile then answered " what if we go back in time and see what blew it up? then, we could go back in time again and stop it".
" I suppose that makes sense, okay then I'll get my things together" said Harry enthusiastically. A few short hours later Omneron and Harry pulled out of metaspace in the year 1993 in their Time Lamborgini " having also patented the timepod and buying the coolest spinoff of the technology".
" Okay Omneron boink me down to the surface and boink me back up if you see anything up here".
" Will do", Omneron replied as he gave a thumbs up gesture with his body he had custum built to match his sologramic ceramic head.
It was a fairly average day on planet Earth, that's is, until there was a loud "boink" sound accompanied by the simultaneous appearance of a very gawky looking goon in sweatclothes and red rubber superhero boots. He stood there looking very annoyed
" This isn't Earth+, this must be that other Earth on the other side of the sun I went to in the future, except in the past. It's pretty boring without the future going on too".
Just then, he realized he was standing in the middle of the freeway. Before he could twitch an eyelash, let alone get away, he was smashed into by a tractor trailer truck going 80 MPH.
Omneron was monitoring the situation from space, suddenly, he lost all contact with Harry's brainwaves. " Must be sunspots, I'll go around". Omneron flew the Time Lamborgini to a more advantageous location near the back of the sun when he noticed another Earth with a big black "+" sign stamped onto the middle of America and Canada.
" Oh, that Earth+", just then, a ripple in the plotline smacked into the Time Lambourgini full speed and reduced the Lambourgini to space gas. Fortunately, Omneron's plot proof enamel allowed him to survive, Unfortunately, the ripple never destroyed Earth+ ,thus changing history so that Harry never went to the future to meet the other Zone Dweebies, so he never brought Omneron to the past to get a body in the first place. Omneron realizing this disappeared with a "POP!". Harry of course, didn't know what had just gone on, being in a coma for the past few months so he was pretty much stuck on Earth and in the past. Harry wondered why Omneron never made psychic contact. As the years sped by, he gave up on telepathy and tried making verbal contact by screaming to the heavens into the wee hours of the morning. Just when it seemed that all hope was lost, he was arrested for disturbing the peace. When he explained his reasons for the screaming, he was sent to a mental institution . As the decades whizzed by like a distorted dream at the state mental hospital, Harry wondered if it was all worth it in the end, but the Mister Ed reruns and the shock treatments constantly reminded him that it was.
The Harold Horatio Hartcort Hembock case, revolutionized the treatment used on Complex fantasy disorders in the field of psychotherapy and made several pop psychology authors rich.
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