I think I've seen juuust about all of the forbidden movies that'll destroy your mind, ruin your life, send you to the asylum, deform your fetus, turn your toddlers into delinquents, curdle your milk, etc, etc, etc....and I'm back from the blackhole without a scratch on me.
And....I can happily report...*drumroll*....it's bullshit!
There is no movie out there that will fucking hurt you!
Doesn't exist.
It's like the fucking Boogey Man, the Tooth Fairy, shit like that.
Can't happen.
Isn't fucking possible.
They're lying to you.
The liberal bed-wetters, the conservative Bible-thumpers, they're all cowards, and liars, and ridiculous fools, every last fucking one.
I don't care what their fluffed up reputation is.
Everyone that was ever on the censorship scaremongering warpath, their arguments are dust.
They're. Just. MOVIES!
Get. Over. It.
So...are any of 'em good?
Yeah, some.
Here we go!
Last House On The Left (1972)
See here.
It's only a movie.
It's only a movie.
It's only a movie.
It's only a movie.
I'll admit, this one effected the hell out of me when I first saw it.
Y'know what fixed it?
Watching it again.
No matter how much a movie has ever scared me, or lingered with me, I've never blamed the movie, I've never been angry at the movie, or its creators.
I've never once had the quark, of an atom, of the impulse, of the thought, of "they oughtta ban these movies!!".
Never happened.
Not in my life.
*Shrug* go figure.
Even when I was little, and frigging "Poltergeist", scared the shit out of me.
Banning shit always seemed like a victim type thing to do.
I didn't ever want to be a victim, I wanted to be strong.
Like my superheroes.
I wanted to be able to look at a murder scene, and not puke, like an experienced cop.
I wanted to never cry again, like I thought my dad never cried.
Or, like how Conan never cried.
That's what I thought adulthood was.
When did it stop being that?
I didn't get the memo.
I couldn't fathom wanting to be weak.
Much less, being proud of it.
It wasn't even a "macho", thing, I just thought, that's what you buck up, and fucking do.
This rant applies to all of 'em coming up, BTW.
I can't fathom the mind that thinks "a free society harms!! Take away our freedom!!".
I just can't get inside that mind, and identify with it at all.
It's an alien planet to me.
Boggles me.
*Shrug*
No, I could see especially weak (and stupid) children reacting that way, but grown adults?
No.
You're not one in my book, if you're like that.
You're just not.
I write you off.
You're gone.
You're so small, I can't see you.
You're a speck.
What I'm really fed up with, is a society that takes these pathetic creatures seriously.
Aaaanyhooo....
Is "Last House", good?
Um, well, see my review in the link above, I thought on a more recent viewing, it was goofy, punctuated with a couple disturbing scenes, but the goofy really drags it down.
I dunno, you might like it.
Check it out.
Maybe you'll think I'm wrong.
Either way, open your eyes.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
See here.
It's kind of tame by today's standards, but um, yeah, there was a hoo-hah back in the day.
This is one of those ones that would give you a fucking fish-baby, and hearing the NAME of the thing was a curse.
Get a grip.
Shit, it doesn't even have any actual gore.
The images come from your mind.
It's your fault.
And it says something about you, if you can't handle what your own brain does.
And guess what? What it says ain't flattering.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2
See here, and here.
Okay, this one actually has some gore.
Quite a bit, actually.
But, y'know what?
If you live in this damned millennium, I bet you watch crime shows, doncha?
Well, a season of CSI, NCIS, etc, etc has more gore than this movie.
And "The Walking Dead"?
Forget it.
If you're a Walking Dead fan, you can't punk out on anything.
Horror might just not be your thing, but you can't use the gore excuse, sorry.
Not in today's media environment.
Won't fly.
Try another one.
Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975)
Okay, this one is pretty damned rough, content wise.
I'll give you that.
BUT....given the movies I saw building up the strength for it....I thought it was a fucking dud.
Well, let's jump right in, here's the nitty-gritty.
Torture, rape, shit-eating, piss-drinking, gleeful descriptions of same.
Your imagination and anticipation of it is far worse, the actual film is almost silly.
The victims are like robots, the acting is terrible, the deaths are noticeably fake, and as for the stupid shit-eating stories the obnoxious old broad tells...
I'm a better writer.
If you could handle that, you can laugh at this movie.
And, once you've seen it, it's not worth seeing again.
Not because it's damaging, because it's a flop.
It's trying to make some artistic statement that capitalism makes you eat shit, and eats it's own shit...or something...but, a Bill Hicks routine is cleverer, and funnier.
This is just bleak, and bland, and pretentious without earning it.
Not worth all the bans, and bawling fainting hysteria it garnered.
But...now you really should watch it, at least once, just to spite all the douchebag censor boards, if for nothing else.
And hey, speaking of munching scat....
Pink Flamingos (1972)
Poppa oo mow, mow!
Poppa oo mow, mow!
Okay, so this one....all right, spoiler-iffic follows...
Murder, (really fake) cannibalism, nudity, gay (unconvincing) fellatio, a pre-op trans waves their penis, masturbation, a girl is inseminated with a turkey baster, a contortionist makes his anus dance, and Divine eats dogshit.
Um...tone wise...it's pretty much like an adult "Ren & Stimpy", episode.
Matter of fact, I'm convinced John Kricfalusi stole his whole shtick from John Waters.
Um...hardest part for me, was Divine eating the dog shit.
The dancing asshole is rough too....but, I've seen worse on the internet, and I bet you have too.
The rest, a walk in the park.
You've (I would assume) seen worse in your bathroom, or bedroom.
It's all just funny to me now.
I Spit On Your Grave (1978)
See here.
Everything I said there, and everything I said in the "Last House", rant above.
If you love horror, and revenge-heroes, I can't recommend it enough.
Faces Of Death (1978)
So, I saw this on Youtube, and...I recommended doing so.
Go right ahead, the reality will deflate the legend, and you can calm the fuck down.
Another dud, really.
It's a documentary, the host looks and sounds like 70's Dr. Strange, and I kind of get a kick out of him.
But...the content, meh.
Okay, there's real autopsies, those are rough, if you're not inured to that sort of thing, but....the people are dead, whatever you believe about the afterlife, they're just shells, either way.
It's just meat getting cut on.
You should feel less about it than a live patient getting operated on in a medical show.
This didn't bother me at all.
Then, there's scenes of animals killing each other, and you've seen this on every nature show, this is nothing.
Then, there's a slaughterhouse, and...you ought to be a big enough boy/girl to know where your dinner comes from.
Then, there's some murder/execution scenes, and they're all fake, and noticeably so; nowadays with our advances in effects, it's all the more noticeable.
Those are just laughable.
Anything with a person actually dying is fake.
The "death cult", scene, that's totally the ripoff inspiration for the identical scene in "Woodland Critter Christmas".
I mean, there you go, we've got this shit on "South Park", that's how far our culture has come.
There's a scene of people cracking open a monkey's head, and eating his brains, and that's fake.
Blatantly so.
Then, there's aftermath of accidents, and that's real, and that stuff is pretty bad, but...again, it's dead meat, the people are gone, and..they show very similar stuff in fucking traffic school.
If it's good enough for America's teenagers, alcoholics, and elderly, it's good enough for you.
And that's the worst of it.
The tone is like one of those Leonard Nimoy narrated "In Search Of", shows from the 70's.
Very dry, and bland.
You think you're going to walk into Hell, from the reputation, but...nope.
When it was done, I was like "that was IT?!?!?!".
You will too.
Trust me.
It's all hype.
Cannibal Holocaust (1980)
Allegedly a "found footage", type dealie where the filmmakers get eaten by real cannibals.
The natives are real, the monkey-eating is real, the murder and cannibalism isn't.
I haven't seen this yet, but just perusing the trailer, you can see what's fake, and what isn't.
The natives were inured to everything, by virtue of their way of life, and they just had a ball doing this flick, they thought it was all a hoot, and a riot.
How in the Hell can you be traumatized by what amounts to a goofy whooping jungle Halloween party?
Lame white people found a way....they always do....
XTRO (1982)
See here.
This one isn't as "legendary", as the previous ones, but, I'm pretty sure the UK called it a "video nasty".
See the linked review, I slaughtered it.
Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer (1986)
See here.
My rant in that covers a lot of what I've already been saying.
If you love Michael Rooker as Merle in "The Walking Dead", you really owe it to yourself to see his performance in this.
I Stand Alone (1998)
Amazon had this interlinked with all the other "sickie", movies, but, I think it's tame.
Imagine..a French Archie Bunker, but with rage-a-hol dialed up to 11, and then he goes off his fucking rocker.
It's all his fucked up inner-dialog, mostly.
The one distressing thing....he punches his pregnant wife in the stomach enough times, it leaves no doubt he probably killed the kid.
That flat-out outrages many reviewers to the point of fits.
Hey...it's pretend, snap out of it.
Oh, yeah, and he fucks his catatonic adult daughter, and thinks it's romantic, and the "world just won't understand".
But...it's funny until those parts.
Honest.
The Aristocrats (2005)
The poster says it.
"No nudity, no violence, unspeakable obscenity".
The violence stuff, I can kinda almost give you a pass on, but, if you can't handle WORDS, I don't wanna fucking know you.
Probably ought not be included on a sane list...but this isn't a sane world.
It is not ruled by reason.
The childish controversy the above films caused stand as testament.
Anyway, Tom Six tweeted his DVD collection, and it was all stuff like "Salo", and "Cannibal Holocaust", and then, this.
If it's good enough for Mister Six, it's good enough for this list.
Anyway, here's the joke that's the centerpiece of the film.
I've posted that before.
So, you hear this joke told in endless variations, by almost every comedian working in the business at the time of the filming, including George Carlin.
It all breaks down, and you realize, it's really about the nuts and bolts of comedy.
If you love standup as an artform, you must own this film.
No question about it.
The Human Centipede
[First Sequence] (2010)
See here.
Let's get real, if you could withstand the "South Park", parody, you could watch the film.
The Human Centipede 2
[Full Sequence] (2011)
See here.
This one is more intense, for sure...but...I think it's easily better than "Salo".
If you want a full-force grossout movie, this is your baby.
Definitely more dark humor.
Martin is like a twisted silent movie comedian.
I really dig this, but you do indeed need a strong stomach.
If you can handle, say, the Toxic Avengers, especially 4, I think you can handle this one.
A Serbian Film (2010)
So, this is the new benchmark, I hear.
Haven't seen it myself, probably will someday.
Even inured, jaded, Fangoria-fan, gore-hounds have been shocked by this one.
Let me just say, I don't at all believe there's such a thing as "an evil film".
That's a simpering idea for childlike minds.
It's not worthy of adults.
I uttered it in regards to "One Magic Christmas", and I shouldn't have.
The ideas in that film were wicked, but...I blame the witless corporate minds that shat it forth, I don't want the film harmed.
I even recanted, and said it could be appreciated if looked at the right way.
Anyway, slip of the tongue.
At least I copped to it.
Others who throw that phrase around are dead serious.
A work of make-believe can't be evil.
It just can't.
That's as much saying you think a boogeyman from a book can peel off his page, and get you.
And, that really is child-minded.
So, are we all on the same page here?
All right then.
So, here's the stats on "A Serbian Film".
Rape, pedophilia, murder, necrophilia, incest, and newborn rape.
So...pretty much, everything.
The whole buffet there.
All that matters to me, is the story crafted well?
I'll have to see.
I've heard it's impeccably shot, and well acted.
Well, there you go.
I'll vivisect it when I see it.
Given the track record of shock films that have either not lived up to the hype, or been uplifting pieces of art that were woefully misunderstood, or a joke people didn't get, I will not at all be surprised that it doesn't surprise me.
And....that's it, that's really the worst of the worst.
That's the "baddest", our culture has to offer.
And we're all no worse for wear.
The boogeyman didn't bite anyone.
And I'm not warped and evil for having seen them.
And I'm not deadened inside, I still enjoy Pixar movies, and comedies, and fantasies, and I eat food, I don't drink blood, and I'm not out walking the streets with a switchblade picking a victim out of the crowd.
None of that shit ever happened.
Anywhere.
It's a load of shit.
There are serial killers in the world, and they probably watched some movies, but they also probably ate breakfast, why isn't breakfast blamed?
It's ridiculous.
All this fear is ridiculous.
It's just movies.
I've seen pretty much all of 'em, and I'm telling you.
Believe it.
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