Friday, April 30, 2010

Postcards from Podsville #26.

Okay, boys and girls, now for our third "I", word.

Insolence, insubordination, and....



Oh yeah, non-chalance.

Play it cooool, daddy-o.

Otherwise, you ain't gonna make it through this life absent a straight jacket.

In the midst of any heated situation, you must ask yourself "how can I not care about this?".

Screaming idiots in the next room?
Turn up the TV.
If that fails, pop in the earbuds, and fire up the I-Pod.

Or, if all else fails, try "could you two kindly shut the fuck up? I waited all week for this program. Ahhh, thanks, there we go".

Wait until you're made of enough cells before trying that one on.

Some pituitary case barking in your face?

Ask yourself "does this guy have a valid complaint? Does the validity of said complaint increase with the volume of his fusillade?".

99.999999999999999% of the time, the answer to the second one is usually "no".

And if the answer to the second one is "no", you can usually assume the first one shrinks down to an equal measure into the decimal zone.

People who buy into the converse of this argument usually buy into the whole "might makes right", bullshit, and look where that's gotten us as a species.

100,000 years of almost fucking nothing, until some snarky wise-ass came up with "sky cake".

The odds are in your favor, I think.

Oh, and notice I just assumed "guy", and "his"?
I bet you didn't.
We've grown accustomed to the worst aggressive bullshit coming from fucking men.
You never hear the feminists cry "sexism", on that shit, do ya?
Yhep, we don't get PC about truisms.

Anyway, having decided not to care about dorko, and his worthless tantrum, you now suddenly have several options available to you.

1. Smirk.
2. Cross arms.
3. Laugh.
4. Shake head.
5. Walk away.
6. Flip the bird.
7. All of the above.

If you think such behavior might summon an ass-kicking, keep the phrase "touch me, and I'll sue", on hand.
Or throw an "asshole", at the end as needed.

Or, if you're feeling particularly insolent, and in the mood for "All In The Family", quotes, try "I'll summon an army of bloodthirtsy Jews who'll pick your bones!".

That usually jolts their tiny brains.

(Hey, think that one's a bit un-PC, consider the mind of who you're dealing with)

Have a cellphone ready as a prop for that one, that helps.
Even an old dead one.

But, 9 times out of 10, anything from the 7 options works by itself.

Oh, you might get a lot of snake-hissy whispering behind your back where the only words you can make out are "jerk", "asshole", and "attitude", but....fuck it.

Yeah, they're probably plotting to put something unpleasant in your food, but know what?
Get out of there.
Decent evil plots usually take 3 days to set up properly.
Leaving right then and there, they never see that coming.
They're so used to being trapped and penned in in their own awful life, it never occurs to them.

All of which leads to the second question one must ask oneself "if there weren't _____ involved, would I care?".

Where "_____", can be...

A. Money.
B. Employment.
C. Pussy.
D. Drugs.
E. Gizmos.
F. Appliances.
G. Heirlooms.
H. Food.
J. Children.
K. Someone I genuinely give a shit about.

If the answer to the complete question is "no", then you have to objectively evaluate the worth of the object of the question with the next question.

"Is the possible loss of _____ worth the cost of the corrective pills for the chronic stress ailments the other person in this equation would have me endure?".

If you find the answer again, is "no", go back to that first list of 7 options.

Third question "is this actually my problem?".

This may seem like an easy one, but you'll be amazed how well people have gotten at making you think their stupid shit is your problem.

Visualize it like a diagram of the blast radius of a nuclear bomb.

Consider the center "my problem", the second circle "the problem of someone I know", the third circle "the problem of someone who knows someone I know", the fourth circle "the problem of someone who knows someone who knows someone I know", and the safe zone outside the circles as "the problems of complete fucking strangers".

Now, if you're at the center, that's non-negotiable.

But, if it's not fully in the safe zone, then the next questions come into play.

"Do I actually LIKE this person?".


"If I fail to do anything, will it become my problem?".

If the answer is "no", to both, fuck it.

And if the problem is in the 3rd and 4th circles, you can usually assume "no", to both, unless you actually like the person.
(But..if you really did, wouldn't they be shifted into the 2nd circle?)

Unless the problem is some deep shit, in which case you have to ask "do I like this person THAT much?".

Friends of your significant other usually sail right through a big fat "no", on all of those.

And if you sail through with "no", to those (should take milliseconds) and you're not even expected to do anything, the last question to ask, is "why am I even listening to this shit?"

If the answer is the person in question burdening you with this, is the keeper of the genitals you satisfy yourself with, you're kind of stuck.

But, if not, go back to the options I gave on people fighting in the next room.

TV volume, I-pod, "please shut the fuck up".

Now, as for "the problems of complete fucking strangers", you'd think you wouldn't be popping Rolaids over that, but our society has gotten insideous about making you care about that bullshit too.

Here's a hint, people on TV are complete fucking strangers.
Even people on "reality TV".
If you find yourself grumbling aloud about the problems of TV people, you've stumbled on to a bad show, turn it off.
If someone burdens you with these storylines second hand, go through the whole "why am I listening to this shit?", cycle.

Now, whether it's the full-blown pituitary moron shrieking at you, or just plain general irritant bullshit coming your way from other people, ask yourself "did I actually do anything wrong?".

Go through a general list of the sins I've complained about on this blog.
Are you on the hook for any of that?
Then fuck it.

People try to make you feel bad about that they just plain don't like your face.
Tough shit.

I refer you back to my little self-esteem motto.
"Who gives a FUCK what you think!?!?".
You'll be AMAZED how often it applies to the situation you're in.
Start using it like pepper on food.

Also, most important, DON'T CARRY STRESS.

I can't preach too hard, I fall off the wagon with this all the fucking time.

Ask yourself "is this stressing actually helping to solve the problem?".

Hint, it never is, it actually worsens your ability to do that.

And if it's a problem that only time can reveal how it'll turn out, well, you're helpless helpless.
Stressing won't give you your control back, no matter what your hindbrain and/or testicles try to tell you.
Imagine you're falling out of a plane without a chute.
Will screaming help?
Why do it?
Imagine putting your hands behind your head, closing your eyes, and tune out the ground, and just feel the wind.
Relax, like you're going to land in pillows.
Often times, you actually do.
If you land on spikes, stress out about it when you actually do.

So, anyway, use these tips, and you won't believe how much weight drops off your shoulders, and how much bullshit and assholes are just gone.

And with all the bullshit gone, there's the few things you can't avoid, work, chores, errands, helping friends/relatives, getting dragged to functions, and not all of that is bad.
Some of it can be interesting/pleasant.

But, when all of that is done, my suggestion is to do. Absolutely. Nothing.

"I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I ever dreamed it could be".

All the really great things worth living for either cost absolutely nothing, or are within range of a livable wage, and are easy to do.

Why people need "more, more, more!!!", to the point they need to build a little empire, and control people, or heck, even get people killed, well..they don't need to, they're sick.

And that's what Podsville really is.

We let our sick run free.

Don't be one of them, and don't catch the bug.
Consider this post your haz-mat suit.

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