So, 80's horror...(Part 2)

Part 1.

Last time, I was crying that the 80's slasher/monster franchises weren't putting out new content anymore.

Well, that hasn't changed so much, but I've changed my perspective.

BOOKS, past-me, you dummy!!

They even Kevin Bacon to the stuff you like!

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Halloween 2025!

Well, in real-world horror, the pumpkin-headed despot got re-elected by the morons of America.

Because of course he was, and of course they did.

I could feel it in the air that it was going to happen.

You can check last year, the gloom I had going.

Every year I live will be a miracle, since Carrot Caligula has declared liberals, atheists, anti-racists, anti-pedos (release the files!!), and LGBT allies terrorists.

Y'know, because that's what Jesus would want. 🙄🤦‍♂️

Anyway! Like I said last time, I'm gonna do this for as long as I can, and not change my tone.

The alternative is kissing the ring, and no thanks to that bullshit.

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So, Alien...(part 2)

Part 1.

Dammit, Disney, you pulled me back in.

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So, Alien...

Previously...

-So, Star Wars...

-So, Punisher...

I never set out for these to be a series; they just happen.

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Untitled Alien FX series.

Produced by Noah Hawley (he of "Legion" fame).

Happens after Prometheus and Covenant, but doesn't reference them.

Series lead, Sydney Chandler.

Okay, what is it with all our post-Ripley Alien-verse lady protagonists being little elves?

Noomi Rapace, elf.

Katherine Waterston, elf.

Cailee Spaeny, elf.

Did they really break the mold when they made Sigourney Weaver?

They really don't make any more of those?

Hmm, okay. Not mad, just saying.

Anyway!! FX lets you have gore and f-bombs. It's the HBO of basic cable.

So, it won't be watered down at all.

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Alien: Romulus.

Everything we know so far...

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Big Summer Movies Part 5. (Part 2)

Part 1 (Guardians 2)

Next up, we have...


Alien Covenant (2017)

Previously with this franchise....

• All of them but Prometheus.
• Prometheus.

From the Prometheus review....

I'm sure hapless knuckleheads will be picked off one by one, and something will be flushed out of something.
And goo, there will be goo.

Yep.

So, this left a lot of unanswered questions, which hopefully will be answered in "Prometheus 2: The Search For Space-Jesus".

Hahaha!! NOPE!!!

Get ready to be as creeped out and tense as in Alien 1.
Then as pumped and amped by action as Alien 2.
Then as betrayed and gloomy as Alien 3.

Is it even worth looking forward to "Alien 7: How The Fuck Does This Mess Get Back Up To The First One?"?
Not for me.
I'm tapping out.
Bye!

Next time, Wonder Woman!!! (That HAS to cheer me back up)


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Prometheus.

Yeah, actually, saw this this Wednesday, but, y'know, book n' all...

So, let's get down to business...

Prometheus

Okay, short and sweet of it, I was entertained for 2 hours, and I'd gladly plunk down for the sequel to get the final answers on the space jockey.

Now, the longer version.

Was it a letdown?
Well, no, because I kept my expectations in check in the first place.

From the Halloween 2011 Alien series review...


Prometheus


The upcoming prequel to the first Alien that will give the backstory on the Space Jockey.


I don't know how to take it, in any other universe, a return of Ridley Scott to this universe would be exciting, but...he's made a bunch of stinkers in his old age.


I mean, remember how excited we were about George Lucas's return to Star Wars, and how that turned out?
Yeah.
And have we seen a prequel YET that's been worth a shit?
I'm not gonna let myself get worked up.

Was it a SW prequels level letdown?
Oh, fuck no.

Worst movie ever?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Watch some Adam Sandler rom-com piece of shit, and get back to me about bad movies, you melodramatic crybabies.

Now, to describe the actual film...well, you've probably either already seen it by now, or spoiled yourself with any of the millions of reviews out there....

...but if not....

Hmm, how to do it without really spoiling....

Okay, let me put it this way...

All the Alien franchise films....are really all the same movie done in different directorial styles....

So, let's do a quick recap from that vantage point....


Alien

Haunted house meets "Ten Little Indians", in space.

Chestbuster becomes drone, stalks hapless crew, picks them off one by one, Ripley survives by shooting it out the airlock.


Aliens

"Alien", Turbo Edition.

More drones, a queen, Space Marines help to mow 'em down, Marines get picked off one by one, Ripley survives by shooting the Queen out the airlock.

Same movie, but bigger, louder, faster.
Y'know, Jim Cameron style.


Alien ³

"Alien", again, but all Fincher-y.

Y'know, all visually pretentious, like a late-80's music video.
S'alright, if you like that sort of thing.

Single drone again, picking off hapless inmates, they kill it with molten metal, and Ripley....well, doesn't survive.
But she sacrifices herself to kill her chestbuster-queen, so....it's kinda like the previous monster flushings, but Ripley checks out too.


Alien Resurrection 

"Alien", again, but directed by....*has to Google*...guy who did "Amelie", and written by guy who wrote/directed "Avengers".

Ripley's cloned back to life, there's multiple drones, and a Queen, the drones get out, and start picking off hapless scientists, and smugglers, all of which are complete assholes, a new kind of human-hybrid "newborn", craps out of the Queen, like a reverse chestbusting, and gets extruded through a hole in a window, counting as this entry's monster-flush.

Ripley and Winona Ryder escape by blowing up the space station.

Ripley later dies in Alien vs. Predator vs. Terminator,  and Winona dies in Star Trek.

Okay, so, now that you've got all that refreshed into your memory, let's apply this back to....


Prometheus

"Alien", again, but with the first guy back.

Hapless scientists are picked off, but now by a zoo of alien beasties, and even a couple zombies, all unleashed by Space Jockey (now called Engineers) bio-weapons.

Lisbeth Salander is the new "Ripley", but now "Ripley", is an adorable Swedish midget, instead of an exotic  bony giant.

NuRipley survives by flushing the monster out...of herself!

Also, Space Jockey is God, and we're a lab accident gone wrong, and God hates us, and wants us all dead.
Like the ants that attack your jelly roll, and ruin it.

As an atheist, and a cynic, this warmed my heart.

So, this left a lot of unanswered questions, which hopefully will be answered in "Prometheus 2: The Search For Space-Jesus".

I'm sure hapless knuckleheads will be picked off one by one, and something will be flushed out of something.
And goo, there will be goo.

Overall, in the series, I'd place it....way better than 3 and 4, not as good as 2.

Now, if you want a more thorough, and spoilerrific take on things, check out this one from Mrs. Hyla.
She didn't liiike eet so maaach.
She thought eeet was steeenky.

Update: Mr. Hyla just added his to the pile too!


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In space...no one....

...can hear you scream.

Or, the abandoned alternate tagline "attack of the wacky hotdog heads!".

So, anyhoo, now we jump categories from Mad Scientists, to extraterrestrials.


Alien

The film-

This is one of those classics that's had everything said about it, so it's hard to say much more....

Well, fuck it, I won't.

The history-

Re-pasted from here...

Oh, holy crap, my grandparents were the first to get cable in our family, and they and my folks watched Alien on HBO, and it was too traumatic for my little eyes, so I was sent into the bedroom, where I watched...Blue Lagoon!!
HAHAHAAA!!

Yep, that happened. *Grin*

I also remember seeing the (now rare as hell) original Alien action figure, and staring at it in horrified fascination.
The guy at the counter said "y'like that? That's a statue of my mother in law!".
Haha!!
Ahhh.

It always pleased me to know the Aliens had acid blood.
Yesiree....

Got 1 & 2 in a stack of tapes at Shady Daves.
Hey, I told ya, I got a lotta fuckin' tapes out of there.
I weren't kiddin.


Aliens

The film-

Ditto the first one.

Oh, okay...

"Get away from her...you BITCH!!".

There.

The history-

My late-grandfather really dug this one.

That was one of the cool things about him.
Wish we'd been closer.
Tch...

Pretty sure I genetically inherited his cantankerousness, and gloomy alienation.
I gotta watch that...he took it to a bad place...


Alien 3

The film-

I like what it attempts, it looks good, but I like it the least.

Sorry, Fincher fans.

The history-

Left a bad taste in my mouth from the first reel of the first viewing on.
The death of Hicks and Newt has always stuck in my craw.

I count 3 and 4 as Ripley's hyper-sleep dreams.


Alien Resurrection

The film-

Better than 3, but that's not saying too much.

It has it's moments, and Ron Perlman, and Brad Douriff are great, as is Sigourney, she's fascinating to watch.

But no, the magic of 2 never re-materialized.

Oh, it doesn't exactly suck, but...it doesn't make me happy either.

The history-

I was so happy to have Ripley back, and to have the Fincher-ness washed away, I kinda made myself like this one for awhile.

Deepest apologies to Dick for saying this was "almost as good as the second one", at Wal-Mart.
Truly sorry for that.
Please don't hate me.

I'll always remember seeing this in the theater, and some whiny uptight bitch two rows behind me and to my right going "tch...disgusting..tch.. disgusting..tch...disgusting", non-stop through the whole fucking thing.

Have some consideration, whore, I payed to get in too.
(Cantankerousness flares up).

Boyfriend dragged her I guess.
Dude, dump the bitch.
Can't watch Alien flicks? Gotta be dragged to Jennifer Aniston comedies the rest of your life?
No one can live like that.
It ends in suicide.
I wonder how it all turned out.
Y'know, in Maine, every winter, you see these spousal murders spike up a bit.
Wonder if they were one of those.
I think of that shit....

Um..what else?
Y'know, I like Sigourney Weaver's new pointy bony old face.
It has more personality to it.
I find that a turn on.
Now, this is one of those weird comments that would normally earn me that "lobsters coming out my nose", look, except...
You know who agrees with me?
Sigourney Weaver.
Yeah, soon as I thought it back then, I read about her describing her new mug in Entertainment Weekly in very similar terms.
See, I coulda walked up, and said that shit, and she woulda taken it as a compliment.
So, who's wacky now, eh?
Yeah.
You're all embarrassed for yourselves now, and I understand.


Alien vs. Predator

The film-

Alternate title "Hotdog Heads vs Pussyface". ;)

I waited for this forever.

Then it arrived, and...meh.

It's...okay.

But...dammit, what the FUCK was up in the 00's with PG-13 horror?
Fa-ha-hack!!

Marketing logic.
Fucking swine.
Bill Hicks nailed it, people in marketing and advertising are the ruiners of all things good.

The history-

I was...essentially done at this point.


AVP: Requiem

The film-

A bit better than AVP, but uh...yeah.

The history-

Ditto AVP.


Prometheus

The upcoming prequel to the first Alien that will give the backstory on the Space Jockey.

I don't know how to take it, in any other universe, a return of Ridley Scott to this universe would be exciting, but...he's made a bunch of stinkers in his old age.

I mean, remember how excited we were about George Lucas's return to Star Wars, and how that turned out?
Yeah.
And have we seen a prequel YET that's been worth a shit?
I'm not gonna let myself get worked up.

Update: See my Prometheus review here.

So, that's the Aliens.

Next up, to make a matching set, the Predators.

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