Facebook foods, part 2

And now, part two!
(Part 1 here)


Mighty jaws!!

June 4, 2014

My one physical attribute I'm proud of is my freakishly powerful jaws. 
It occurred to me today, I've never had trouble eating steak. 
Never. 
Never ever. 
Short of burnt to a crisp, I can pulverize anything to moosh. 
Come to think of it, none of the stops along my tract are dainty. 
I always pitied these poor delicate things that had to spit things out.

And the update..

June 4, 2019

I've never been slowed down by jellybeans, Skittles, jellies, gummies, Tootsie Pops, peanut brittle.... Jawbreakers'll chip a tooth no matter who you are. 
And bones. 
Bones won't give. 
Gotta hit those with a hammer. 
But anything with the least bit of give, I can chew it.


Reverse engineering Pudding Pops.

June 5, 2017

Cosby makes me think of pudding pops, and that makes me think of how Jell-O keeps taking them away, and bringing them back, and then taking them away again, even though they're the best food made by human beings.
So, then that got me thinking, why not make our own?
Luckily, I have a holodeck perfect memory, and remembering how they tasted, and how they mouth-felt, I think this is the secret to making them.
You don't just throw pudding into a mold, and freeze them.
Somehow, you have to arrange for your mold to have a razor thin coating of plain water ice inside.
This serves a couple functions.
It makes it easier to take the final pop out of the mold, and it makes a skeleton to hold the pop together, because the pudding wants really bad to re-liquefy as quick as possible.
I think this is the real secret to why they were a bitch to mass produce.
If you can crack this, you've got the secret to yummy goodness.

To which a friend answered..

Spray very cold molds with mist then fill with cold pudding, then freeze, maybe.

I think he's right.


Ice cream idea.

June 24, 2018

Random idea, a Klondike bar with a layer of cake inside. 
Someone get on that, and make it real.

And the update..

June 24, 2019

*Checks watch* aaand, a year! 
Okay, what progress have you guys made? 
What do you mean none? 
You guys are supposed to be good with tools and math. 
This is very discouraging.


Fondant? Fucking seriously? Jesus.

June 25, 2017

Saw some cake show on Food Network where the husband was whining about he doesn't like fondant. 
I mentally projected myself into the show holding pictures of starving refugees in one hand, and a switchblade in the other, and saying "I bet THEY wouldn't cry about the fucking fondant!!! 
You fucking pampered white piece of fuck!!! 
I ought to kill you!! 
I ought to fucking KILL you!!!! 
*gets wrestled down by 3 other cake chefs*". 
Yeah, I can't watch those shows. 
They're not good for me. 
They're not good for anyone. 
I've got to stick to "American Gods", and "Preacher". 
They keep me sane and well.

And the update...

June 25, 2019

Both shows are having their last seasons next year. 
But, Star trek is back, so it's all good.


Lemon ice cream!

June 27, 2017

!!!! I had a repressed memory come back to me! 
A flavor memory! 
There used to be lemon ice cream!! 
That's something that existed!! 
I Googled it, and it's out there, but nowhere in Maine. 
Sons of bitches!! 
They took my lemon ice cream!!

I remember it was my favorite next to peanut butter swirl.
And no one say lemon sherbert, it's just not the same.

It tasted like lemon pudding, but with the texture of vanilla ice cream.
It was awesome.


Harry Potter jellybean flavor ideas.

July 1, 2017

Dear Jelly Belly. 
I've got some Harry Potter flavors for you. 
Suntan lotion, and bug repellent. 
Then, at last, I, I mean people,  can enjoy these flavors without judgement.

To which a friend said...

No, I'm still going to judge you.


Ragu is poison.

July 15, 2017

Well, I think I cracked the major secret of my mood imbalances through my teens and 20's. 
My old fucking diet. 
I used to drink soda like it was water, but I've been drinking seltzer water and regular bottled water instead for almost a decade now. 
Before my mother hit the wall with diabetes, she made cookies faster than a fucking vending machine. 
Back then, I went through antacids like they were an extra meal of the day. 
Tonight, dad randomly got Ragu sauce for old times sake, and it tasted like candy, I've got heartburn, I had a nightmare, and I feel like shit physically and emotionally. 
I ate poison most of my adult life. 
Thanks, mom & dad. 
Thanks, grocery store. 
Thanks, Madison Avenue.


"Freakin hot", Slim Jims.

July 8, 2014

All right, that tears it... Language crime time. 
Slim Jims has come out with a product called "freakin' hot Jalapeno". 
I have no objection to the product itself, just the vernacular of the name. 
Okay, first, is there any grown-assed person in this kindergarten country that DOESN'T know "freakin'", is a willful and deliberate stand-in for "fuckin'"? 
It's right up there with "effin'". 
We know what you're saying. 
The thought has been conveyed. 
Can't we at this point just give in, and un-censor "fuck", already? 
It's going to happen. 
Whether it takes another generation or 1000, it's going to happen. 
Why not do it sooner rather than later? 
When you've got the recognized substitute words written on SNACK FOODS, hasn't the battle "freakin", been lost? 
Secondly, why is this word, indeed ANY word censored anymore? 
Why were words EVER censored? 
Everyone talks about what the words stand for as subjects. 
This is medieval superstitious horseshit. 
If the ideas are still getting across, then what you're actually saying, is the combinations of LETTERS are magical. 
You're saying that there are magic words. 
You're saying the LAW has to get involved with protecting people from magic words. 
MAGIC fucking WORDS! 
In 2014! 
Thirdly, and speaking of protection, all that's left is the "think of the children", argument. 
Well, this country does next to nothing to protect children from actual physical and sexual abuse. 
Oh, sure protective services will haul a kid out of a home once they've already BEEN beaten and/or raped, but you gotta twiddle your thumbs, and whistle, and wait for it to happen. 
So, a kid can BE fucked, but not hear the word. 
Come on. 
Our fearless leaders don't really give a shit about children. 
So, it all comes back to, it's superstition. 
Childish, infantile, infantilist, superstition. 
From a bygone era of fearful puritan morons. 
And you know it's pathetic, and inexcusable, and indefensible, when Slim Jims is ahead of the curve. When some desk-monkey at Slim-fuckin-Jims is finding ways to tapdance around censors, it's over. Thought control has lost. 
Kill yourselves, word cops. 
Kill yourselves.


Salad forks.

July 19, 2017

Y'know what? 
When I run out of dinner forks, I dig into the salad forks, and they work just fine! 
And nothing happens! 
The Gods of fru-fru etiquette have yet to strike me down! 
Different forks are a lie! 
A LIE! 
Y'know what happens when I eat my hot food and salad with the same fork? 
Nothing! 
Nothing bad happens. 
Not to the flavor, not to my stomach, nothing. 
This has all been a waste of time. 
Your parents and teachers have ruined your lives! 
RUINED! 
With LIIEEESS!!

And the update..

July 19, 2018

Spoons too.

There, that's all the food ones caught up!