Tuesday, April 23, 2013

More Miserable Movies

Ayep, I knew I'd think of more.

Part 1.

Showgirls (1995)

Shit, I remembered "Ishtar", and not this one?

Joe Eszterhas needs his hands chopped off.
"Flashdance", "Showgirls", "Basic Instinct", "Jade", he's a war criminal.

So, Ebert was afraid "I Spit On Your Grave", would make men want to rape.

Nope, I love women, and I also love "I Spit On Your Grave".

But, this movie...well, not rape, but you'll be so sick of Liz Berkley's tits, you'll want to punch a tit.
Punch a tit right in its goofy unsuspecting nipple face.

There's a sentence that never existed on Earth before.
Thanks "Showgirls".
See what you've unleashed?

Battlefield Earth (2000)

What a flick to usher in the new millennium, eh?

Between this, the Tom Cruise meltdown, and the two dedicated South Park episodes in rotation, I really hope this has set $cientology back some.
I really do.
Couldn't happen to a nicer cult.

As for Travolta, he creeps me the fuck out, and I enjoy his death in "The Punisher".
It's one of the highlights.

Bugsy Malone (1976)

From here...

Scott Baio, there's nothing good about what you do, or who you are.

I rest my case.
I rest....my case.

Garbage like this flew right through the greenlighting process, but it took almost 30 years for a "Dark Knight Returns", movie.
Feel the rage boil within you.
It's healthy, and natural.

Iron Warrior (1987)

It's Ator 3, actually.

See here for Ator.

My dad picked this one out.
Good gravy....
Yeah, he lost his picking privileges for awhile after this as I recall.

Sample quote...

Girl- What if you die?

Ator- Then, I will be dead.

Light Years (1988)

A.K.A "Gandahar".

So, the poster claims Isaac Asimov wrote it, and you've got Glenn Close, Bridget Fonda, Jennifer Grey, Christopher Plummer, Paul Shaffer, and Penn & Teller in the English voice cast.

And it's about genetically engineered mutants vs robots.
And it's got boobs.

Wouldn't YOU have eagerly grabbed it off the shelf?

Keep in mind, there was no internet, much less a Rotten Tomatoes to check it against.
It's early 90's, and just you, and your gut.
You'd grab it.

So, don't give me no bullshit.

Anyhoo, Asimov only adapted the American dub script, but that's enough for a writing credit, and that's enough to say it's "from", him.
Were you really that hard up for money Isaac?
Come on.

So, if I recall correctly, a blue guy with a mullet has to save his topless girlfriend from a giant talking brain that looks like the head of a dick.
Along the way, he meets some freaks who become his quest pals "Wizard Of Oz", style.

The dickbrain thing has armies of robots that are really hollow armor telekineticly controlled by little globs of the dickbrain.

It SOUNDS interesting, doesn't it?

Nope, somehow, they took these ideas, sucked out all the life, made the characters blander than "The Phantom Menace", paced it like "Gummo", or "Puppetmaster", gave it a score that sounds like a monkey on downers apathetically slapping a keyboard, and it's like watching fucking paint dry.

I showed it to Hyla and Spencer, and Spencer begged me to burn the tape.

Cool World (1992)

Kim Basinger was coming right off of "Batman", Brad Pitt's star was rising, Ralph Bakshi did "The Lord Of The Rings", what could possibly go wrong?

Fucking everything.
Ho-ly shit.

I saw it in the theater, it was empty, and my fondest memory was the gummi peaches I bought at the concession stand.

If cartoons were indeed real, like in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?", this thing would instigate cartoon racism.
We'd be having the 20th anniversary of the great riots.
It would have dwarfed 9/11.
It would be something we all referenced.
Bakshi would be cartoon Hitler.
Godwin's law would be about calling people Bakshi.

Yeah, it's that fucking awful.

Carnival Magic (1981)

I...can't describe this.

I mean, I can tell you the plot, but it doesn't really help....

A magician has become a drifter, and somewhere along the way, he's found this talking monkey.
It can only say a few short words, and only randomly, and it sounds like an old lady.

So, magician guy and the monkey stumble their way into a carnival.

Magician guy falls for one of the girls, and some other asshole is jealous, both of the relationship, and the monkey act, and wants to hurt the monkey.
I seem to recall the villain was rapey for the chick too.

This thing was allegedly for children, but it was chock full of heaving, sweaty, hairy sexuality.
No one knew what to do with the thing.
It vanished for ages.
TCM unearthed it a couple years ago.
Now it's got a Blu-Ray.

It's...bad...but fascinating.
Like "Troll 2".
You can't believe what you're fucking seeing.
Weird acting, weird looking actors, film stock that looks like it was from the 60's, it's like an alien planet.

I...saw it, and I still can't process it.
If you see it, you'll share in the dismay.
"What the fuck just happened?", you'll say.
And you'll be right.

Now, for a trilogy of shitty Robin Williams flicks...

Toys (1992)

There are movie insiders, the type who also call themselves "cineastes", the type with shitty names, like "Drew McWeeney", who will immediately knee-jerk, and spit out the pre-programmed sentence "but the original screenplay was genius!", like a fucking Terminator.

Fuuuuuuck yoooouuu.

See my closing potshot at "Bugsy Malone", it applies here too.

Also, there's a scene where they're riding golf carts over little artificial speedbump hill thingies, and this dumb bitch in the theater held her hands over her head, and went "wooo-wooo-woo-woo!!".

I remember that more clearly than the movie.
Lesser of two evils.

Patch Adams (1998)

Ohhh! *Clutches heart, flutters eyelashes*
The murdered girlfriend comes back as a butterfly!
Sob! Choke!

Fuck you.

"Faith Of The Heart", in the credits?

Fuck you.

People still go to Rod Stewart concerts after he took a check for that?

Fuck you.

Dead Poets Society (1989)

"Oh captain my captain!".

*Shotgun cock*

Honorable mention goes out to "Good Will Hunting".

One Magic Christmas (1985)

See here and here.

I'm this movie's fucking Captain Ahab.

The Projectionist (1971)

See here.

Lightspeed (2006)

See here and here.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

See here.

It feels like I got 'em all, but there'll probably be more.

1 comment:

randomreally_ said...

The only thing that comes mind whenever I hear anything about Battlefield Earth is just this particular scene


It makes me laugh every time I watch it.

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