Thursday, April 25, 2013

That's IT?!!?!?

Couldn't squeeze out another "Miserable Movies", or "More Miserable Movies", cuz, these aren't miserable, so much as "ehhhh".

But, overrated, overhyped, overblown "ehhh".
Mystifyingly dumfoundingly overblown.

So...this is kind of part 3, but I couldn't give it that title in all honesty.

The Idiots (1998)

This is yet another one, like "Gummo", that got lumped in with fuckin' "Salo".

What the fuck is it with people badly comparing other shit with "Salo"?
Don't people have fucking eyes?

This time, it was Josh Martin from the Krazyfool/Jason-World days who linked those two.

He had this, and "Salo", as his top 2 grossout films.
I'm...not seeing it.
He must have been a sheltered lad, or something.
Or lying, to look cool.
I dunno.

So, plot is, some Eurotrash assholes pretend to be mentally retarded to make people uncomfortable, and like typical Eurotrash, they think it's clever, cuz they think every shitty thing they do is clever, and have all these bullshit philosophical excuses for it.

And that's it, it just goes on like that, and finally stops.

It's like watching Eurotrash "Jackass".
It's supposed to make you squirm, but I was just checking the clock.

The only "gross", part, is at one point they play with their food.
Big fucking deal.

There's a few scenes of nudity.
Big deal, there's porn out there, and we all have anatomy.

There's one part where they spontaneously decide to have a gang-bang.
There's a pile of parts, and three seconds of full-penetration.
Again, big deal, there's porn out there.

And that's it, 3 seconds of cock-in-pussy, and another 2 solid hours of boredom.
Not angry "Gummo", level boredom either, just regular dentist office boredom.

"That's it?!!?!? That was the big fuckin' deal?!?!".
My brain screamed.
Yeah, that's it.
And that's the theme of these.
"That's it?!?!?!", movies.

Okay, it pretends it's trying to have this deep message about rebelling against "Bourgeois middle-class values", with this retard-aping thing, and the group, in the final analysis, lacking the courage of their convictions in the end to stick with it, and live by it, and everyone goes back to their shitty boring little lives, and yadda yadda.

And the middle-class folk are indeed portrayed as mean, and ugly, and chickenshit in their conformity, but "the spassers", are no fucking bed of roses either.

Totally unimpressed.
Pretentious bullshit.
That's it, huh?

The Brown Bunny (2004)

Okay, so, this one, Roger Ebert said "was the worst film in the history of Cannes", to which Vincent Gallo (writer, director, star) retorted that Ebert was a "fat pig with the physique of a slave trader", to which Ebert responded "one day I will be thin, but Vincent Gallo will always be the director of 'The Brown Bunny'", then Gallo said he put a hex upon Ebert's colon, to which Ebert responded that watching a video of his colonoscopy had been more entertaining than watching "The Brown Bunny".
And, the rivalry went on like that like a couple prima-donna wrestlers.

So, that's the hype.'s boring art-house swill, but the worst in the history of Cannes?
Fucking impossible.

Wasn't even the worst movie I saw THIS WEEK.

Okay, so, the REAL hooplah over this one, is Chloe Sevigny performs a real blowjob on Gallo.
Whippidy dee!

Again I say, there's porn out there.

I've heard the blowjob justified as "daring", and "revealing", and "bold", because character emotion comes through during the act.
Okay, Sevigny makes whimpering grunts like she's a baby sucking a ba-ba.
Give her a Golden-fucking-Globe.

A mediocre blowjob with an hour and a half of boring bullshit in front of it.

That being, Gallo driving around, picking up girls, doing nothing with them, telling them to go away, moping, and driving some more.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
I did some fast forwarding to get through it all sane.

Nope, sorry, "Gummo", is still worse.
This was just a big paper sack full of air and nothing.
Left no impact on me at all.
Just drained away an hour and a half of my life.
Okay, less, cuz I fast-forwarded.
And multi-tasked between the player and my browsing.

Funky-Forest: The First Contact (2005)

Okay, this one wasn't hyped so much, as I really wanted to like it, and was let down.

It was almost a case of false advertising, but not really.

Okay, Youtube is fucked up right now, so I'll do it as links...

Clip 1.

Clip 2.

Clip 3.

Clip 4.

So, it looks like a fucked up weird twisted movie, right?
Right up my alley, I'd love to see 2 more hours of stuff that fucked up.

Well, guess what, you don't get it.
Nope, the other 2 AND A HALF HOURS are pure crap.

No grossout, no nothing.
Those are all the good parts.
The like really bad "Kids In The Hall", sketches stitched together like a Monty Python movie.
And some lame musical/dance numbers.
I dunno, maybe it's the Japanese cultural difference, but, I never laughed, except when those sick parts came back on.
And it's a miserable trudge to get to them.

As a whole movie, blah.

But, it's not quite false advertising, cuz, the film didn't advertise, Youtube-ers did.
It's not the movie's fault.

Still, I was left with an unsatisfied "that's was it??", feeling.
Enjoy those clips, and avoid the rest of the movie like a plague.

Eraserhead (1977)

I always keep seeing this one lumped in with "Pink Flamingos", and, I can see its influence in a lot of other things, and you'd think I would like something like this, didn't do a damned thing for me.

I thought "Twin Peaks", was overrated boring swill too.

I mean, this has a couple interesting images, but overall...ehh.
Seen better.
Even the stuff it influenced was better.

Basic Instinct (1992)

More typewriter diarrhea from Joe muthafuckin' Eszterhas.

See "Showgirls".
Well..don't see it, see my review.

This has got to be one of the most overhyped fucking movies ever.
This, "Pretty Woman", "Home Alone", the early 90's were some outrageous years for acting like utter sewage was sent from Jesus on a flying gold limo.

Anyone else remember those shitty Cinemax Friday night movies with Shannon Tweed, where she jiggled her tits, and solved a lame murder mystery out of Scooby-Doo?

This is just like that.
Nothing at all separates it as anything more special than that.
It's utter shit.
But it's not even "omigawd, I can't believe what shit this is!!", type of shit.

Just lame Cinemax pseudo-sleaze for puritan wimps scared of real porno.
The shocking thing, is how it made it to fucking theater screens, and people pretended it was a real movie.

I rented it, watched it once, and said "...that's all???".

People acted like it was the filth of all filth.
Where was the filth?
I squinted hard looking for it.
My dick didn't even move!!!

You're fucking stupid, America.

Boxing Helena (1993)

Okay, this one qualifies both as "that was it??!?!", and a miserable movie.

It could have just as easily gone into the last one, but I just plumb forgot.

So, this is from the daughter of David Lynch, and....the talent skipped a generation.

Another one that was "Omigawd!! So sick! So sick! I can't believe it!!", was a bag of air and nothing.

Basic premise, a dude is obsessed with this chick, the titular Helena, captures her, cuts off her limbs, and keeps her in a box.

"Omigawd! So sick! So sick! Omigawd!".
Simmer the fuck down!

Firstly, it's not shot like a horror movie at all, it's like a lame Lifetime movie.
Very girly in its style.
Like a bodice ripper.
The writing is absolutely fucking horrible.
Like a Lifetime movie, but several magnitudes clunkier.
The acting is painful.

And, the big THING of the title, of the movie, is almost incidental.
Almost a bored formality.
It's really about Julian Sands's character being this annoyingly whiny wimp, and all his friends being disgusted with his whiny obsession with Helena, and Helena being this miserable unlikable ball-busting cunt with no redeeming value, and it drags on and on like this, and Julian Sands's character never ever snaps out of it, he just keeps whining, and whining, and whining.
Until finally, he does the deed, and captures Helena....and then whines at her some more.
And she busts his balls some more.
This feels like it goes on another fucking hour.

Finally, he turns her into a torso in a box.'s not quite a box, it's more like a weird little throne in a shrine.
So, the title is a lie.
Unless by "boxing", they meant the verbal sparring.
There's not a drop of blood, she just wakes up a torso in a fancy piece of lingerie, the stumps tastefully covered over.
You can totally see where she's hiding her limbs.
They don't even do it cleverly.
Anyway then...she fucking falls in love with him!!!
And they fuck!!

Oh, and then it was all a dream.
Yeah, I feel obligated to spoil it.

"That was it?!!?".
That was it.

Yeah, everyone acted like this stupid thing was "The Human Centipede", or something.
Not even close.
Misses by a light year.
Even for its DAY it's fucking wimpy.

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Okay, it's got good parts, I kind of enjoy it, but it's got stupid parts, and unimpressive parts too.
And that annoying overly chatty Tarantino dialogue that always irks me.
Overall, just plain good.
I don't love it.
It's just all right.
Can you deal with that?

But what it utterly fails at, is living up to the hype.

And the hype was fucking outlandish.
From critics, from fans, from everyone.
Scared me away from it for a fucking decade.

Okay, I get it, it was fuckin' 1994, and we'd just suffered through the wave of absolute utter shit, like (again) "Pretty Woman", and "Home Alone", and "Basic Instinct", and then this comes along, and is actually a fucking movie, and people were like "wow, where did THIS come from!?!?!".

Okay, you were trauma victims, I get it.
And now, it rides a wave of nostalgia.
It's eternal, and I'm going to have to gag that down.

But, seeing it for the first time in the 00's after all the other water that had gone under the's just a movie, okay?
It wasn't Aphrodite spreading her pussylips, and shooting sunbeams out her snatch.
Get a grip.
Get a fucking grip.

Y'know what?
I liked "Sin City", better than this.
It had that same non-linear overlapping story structure, but I liked the characters better, and it had way more edge.
There it is.
I said it.

And while we're on overrated fuckin' Tarantino....

Kill Bill (2003-2004)

See here.

From Dusk Til Dawn (1996)

See here.

The Matrix Series (1999-2003)

See here.

Okay, THESE are more fucking overrated than "Basic Instinct".
By a good football field length.

These little pieces of candy being some fucking epoch?
Come on.

AICN has to be burnt to the ground for helping to hype both this, and "The Blair Witch Project".
Hipster douchebags the lot of ya.

And, that's those.

I think my safari  (started here) is finally done.

...I think.


Diacanu said...

Okay, I feel I need to really dig in, and dissect Pulp Fiction.

All the Samuel Jackson lines are gold.
Sam makes that whole fucking movie.

Travolta? Said it in Battlefield Earth, he creeps me out, I don't like him, and none of his dialog does anything for me.
The "royale with cheese", bit just plops to the ground with a dull wet thud, and when his character is unceremoniously blown away by Bruce Willis, I'm a happy guy.
Why people were giddy over his comeback baffles me to this day.

Uma Thurmon can't act her way out of a wet paper bag.
I didn't give a fuck about anything to do with her.

So, the whole chunk of the movie with her and Travolta together had me checking the clock.

Bruce Willis's storyline, I liked.

I like Michael Clark Duncan, but the Marcellus Wallace character was "meh".
He's there to service the plot as far as I care.

The whole bit with Honey Bunny and her dumb husband didn't need to be there, that had me rolling my eyes.
And that opens the fucking movie too.

The whole bit with Harvey Keitel and cleaning up the brains was fun.

Then Tarantino putting himself in the movie almost spoils it.
I just want to punch him in every "role", he plays.

And the bit with Christopher Walken was nice, but he can sell anything.

And that's it, that's Pulp fiction.

A bunch of ups and downs.

The magic ingredient is Jackson.

Take him out of it, it all falls apart.

Diacanu said...

Fuck, that was Ving Rhames, not Michael Clarke Duncan.

Always mix them up.

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