Monday, April 22, 2013

Miserable movies.

Title says it all.

Gummo (1997)

I think this might be the worst fucking movie I've ever seen, and given the Hells I've deliberately subjected myself to, that's really fucking saying something.

Right off the bat, Harmony Korine can go fuck off and die in a fire, and all his pretentious douchebag fanboys can can go swallow molten silver and thrash around like a suffocating fish.

So, what this is, is a pseudo-documentary of two filthy little redneck kids that go around shooting cats with air rifles, and selling them to be butchered by a black guy who runs a Chinese restaurant.

Along the way, they meet other charming characters.

It's not "shocking", it's not "disturbing", it's not "challenging", it's pretentious, and fake, and class-snobbish, and petty, and mean, in that pathetic cowardly way that nerds like to be mean, and boring.

Holy fuck, is it booooooring.
I've never been this bored.
Not even at the fucking DMV.

I had to keep stopping the video to go listen to the stereo, or browse sites, or Facebook, or make a sandwich, ANYTHNG to scrub the punishing boredom of this piece of dogshit out of my head.

But, I kept soldiering on in 10 minute chunks, hoping something I would give a shit about would happen.
It never did.

It just ended.
A mentally retarded girl sings "Jesus loves me yes I know", over, and over, and over....and then, it's done.
The movie finally just stops.
It tires out of slapping you in the face, and just walks away.

There's no message, no through-line, no nothing.
A bunch of crap happens, and then it stops.
And....the crap doesn't even happen, because it's fake.
That's what's really galling, if this piece of shit were a real documentary of these dumb obnoxious kids, and the even more stupid and obnoxious adults in their lives, that would be one thing, but this is fiction, some asshole WROTE this fucking shit.

If this stupid thing "shocked", you, you're a moron.
A real fucking mental infant.
Or else, your life has been such a sheltered cushioned little playpen, the difference is negligible.
I grew up with the real thing this movie fakes.
These people were my neighbors and classmates.
I've SEEN this shit, okay?
The playing with dead animals, the cousin-fucking, the drug taking, all of it.
The real thing is more entertaining, they should have just done a real documentary.
It would have been cheaper, and easier.
Get out of my face with this pretentious, snotty, college boy, douchebag bullshit.

If you like this crap, you're an enemy.
It's as basic and primal as that.
You have no taste, and you have to get the fuck away from me.

Seriously though, don't even see this out of curiosity.
It doesn't even have the thrill of forbidden fruit, it just sucks.

Okay, that was my review, here's the backstory of how I encountered this dog turd.

The review of "A Serbian Film".

Every fucking new horror DVD you buy now has a blurb from them.
They're the new ass you have to kiss in the industry.
Now, I thought these folks were supposed to be the new Fangoria.
I thought these were hip fucking people with cast-iron stomachs who could properly assess the fucking genre  on its own terms, without puritanical, constipated, whiny, WASP-y bullshit.

So, after seeing "A Serbian Film", for myself, I was naturally curious what they thought of it.

What an incredible puss this reviewer was.
It was like a time machine back to Ebert on his fucking "I Spit On Your Grave", crusade.
I couldn't believe what I was fucking reading.
This is the kind of shit you would expect from toilet paper for elementary school children like Entertainment Weekly, not BloodyDisgusting.
That's right, you heard me, I didn't stutter, Entertainment Weekly is a fucking rag.
A rag of the zombie zero establishment.
It's "E! News", on paper.
Fuck Stephen King for writing for that pamphlet.
May as well do Goofus and Gallant strips.
For shame, Unca' Stevie.
For shame.

Aaanyhoo, how it tied into "Gummo", was the snapper-headed trout-leg listed it among the most disturbing films he'd ever seen, to go on to say that "A Serbian Film", topped all of those.

Well....YEAH, but this worthless no-talent idiot had "Gummo", right next to fucking "Salo".

*Grabs your head and shakes it*

Do you hear what I'm fucking saying??

So, not knowing jack-shit about "Gummo", I figured "well, if this pussy was emotionally violated by it, it's probably GOOD, I ought not leave any stone unturned".
Because, I hadn't written my big "A Serbian Film", write-up yet.
I was going for a full-fledged sequel, not just the minor update it ended up being.
I wanted more sickie-flickies to throw into the cauldron.

Well, loop back to the top, and you can see what a crashing disappointment that was.
And, fuck BloodyDisgusting.
They're just another bought-out bland corporate entity, you're not gonna get reality nor balls out of them.

Kids (1995)

Directed by some other tedious asshole, but written by the same tedious asshole who wrote and directed "Gummo".

Critics everywhere sploodged out every last droplet of cream their balls had to offer all over this thing.
It was bukkakke.
I find critic-bukkakke more stomach churning than anything "A Serbian Film", has to offer, frankly.

I want every last one of them dead.
Of something horrible, that lingers, and costs a lot of money, and makes their children cry over their lost inheritance.

Okay, after "Gummo", I was curious, and checked it out, and only got 10-15 minutes in, and it was the exact same slow-paced, obnoxious, pretentious bullshit, with insufferable, miserable, stupid characters spouting annoying dialogue that no one would ever say.
Like "Gummo".
"Gummo", is "Kids II".
There is no difference.

I was NOT going to suffer for another 2 hours.
There's a fine line between endurance testing, and masochism, and that would have crossed it.

So, unable to review the whole thing, let's just mock some more critics.
*Dials up Rotten Tomatoes*

"Frightening, frank and serious, a wake-up call to the world".
-Some Risible Imbecile.

"There really are some kids who think like this, and these are the kids who should see this film".
-A Malingering Arm Dragging Numbskull.

"Kids shows what transpires when children are set adrift in a heartless world, and warns us what happens -- and is already happening -- in the absence of love and guidance".
-An Absolute Feckless Fucking Nitwit.

"In its candid and bold approach, Larry Clarke's controversial film dwarfs all of Hollywood's youth movies, crossing new boundaries in its portrayal of sex and drugs; for a change, real teenagers, not actors in their 20s, play the roles".
-A Clot Headed Ninny.

"Pedophilia, pedophilia, pedophilia".
-Another Tiresome Constipated Puritan.

"Overrated reality slop".
-The Only Real Adult In The Fucking Room.

Yeah, now you know what that drivel looks like through my eyes.
Always did.

Ishtar (1987)

Not even "so bad, it's good", bad, it's an endurance trial to get through it.
That's what all these are.
An ordeal.
Even bad movies can be fun, these aren't.
They're just harrowing.

Now, everyone rags on "Ishtar", but too bad.
Ignoring it because it's been done to death would be dishonest, and reverse-conformity.
No, sorry, this really blows, and has to be on this list for it to fucking mean anything.

It doesn't even live up to its legend of being supernaturally amazingly awful, like staring into the Ark Of The Covenant.
No, it's just not good.
On any level.

I haven't gotten through it.
I watched it with Hyla and Spencer, and we got 20 minutes in, and gave up.
I've never gone back to it.
I think TV played it once, I got a little further.
Another time, I caught the ending.
I've seen most of it in fits and starts, but getting through all of it straight through is a fucking chore.

I've seen dopey defenders of this thing be like "Herp! It's like a Hope and Crosby...", shut up.
Shut the fuck up.

Family Guy does the Hope and Crosby thing with Brian and Stewie, and it's funny.
There is no excuse for this pile of excrement.

Because I Said So (2007)

Cable just picked this up, and I think it was on just yesterday, and, I was writing something for this blog, and it was on TV, and I was listening to it, and just the dialog made me want to slaughter all the characters with a power tool.

That phony awful dialog that only comes out of the brains of hipster writers, and no one in real life ever says.
And if they did, you wouldn't be able to stop punching them until all your fingers snapped.
And even then some.

And that was just in the first 15 minutes of this piece of shit.
I could stand no more.

Here, have some samples to tear your hair out to.

Now, let me just get this out of the way, I would totally fuck Diane Keaton.
No, not young, right now.
Oh, young too, but, yeah, Diane Keaton.
This second.
Every pose, every move.
Cowgirl, doggie, piledriver, everything.
I'd lick up her armpit sweat.
16 hours of sexual exploration.
I'd be getting that shit done.

But dammit, she can make some horrible fucking movies, and play some lame fucking characters.
And all right, she needs the money, and Hollywood hates older women, so she's gotta take the dregs she can get, I get that.

Those ugly realities don't make turds like this any less depressing.

For Your Consideration (2006)

Christopher Guest's "The Phantom Menace".
Don't listen to people that say it's merely "the least good of the bunch", it's a disaster.
A heartbreaking soul crushing fucking disaster.

And as the companion....

Brutal Massacre: A Comedy (2007)

I reeeeeaaallly wanted to like this one.

The idea is awesome, the cast is awesome.
It's a Chris Guest style movie, with all horror movie people, about making a horror movie.

Its got David Naughton (American Werewolf In London), Ellen Sandweiss (Evil Dead), Ken Foree (Dawn Of The Dead), Gunnar Hanson (Texas Chainsaw Massacre), and Brian O'Halloran (Clerks).

Doesn't just hearing that lineup make you fucking giddy?
It did me!

I wanted to love this soooo bad, and I can usually even get myself there if there's even a speck of good in it.

Nope, full of fail and AIDS.

Dick Tracy (1990)

See here.

Monkeybone (2001)

See here.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

See here.

Howard The Duck (1986)

See here.

S. Darko: A Donnie Darko Tale (2009)

See here, and here.

Inkubus (2011)

See here. 

There are probably more, but that's all I can think of for now....

1 comment:

Diacanu said...

Gave in, and linked the BloodyDisgusting review to the Gummo review.

It's under "this reviewer".

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