Friday, November 23, 2012

Happy Black Friday!

Yeah, that's the parents wrassling over Cabbage Patch dolls from the 80's.

Since then, it's been Tickle Me Elmos, Beanie Babies, and...frankly, I've long since lost track of the madness.

I really hope online shopping ends this horror show someday.
Doesn't seem to be happening fast enough.

You can usually count on at least one death every year.
Someone always gets their head trampled into a greasy smear of sneaker prints.

The only thing left to wonder is what hapless wage slave of which monolithic soulless retail chain will have to mop up the brains, and what  pathetic bargain the grease-stain died over.

I'm wagering on it being Wal-Mart flatscreen TV's this year.
I think they're like...5 bucks off, or something...

Anyway, here's a re-post of my gloomy Cabbage Patch Kids rant.
From here.

Cabbage Patch Kids

Aw, shit....

Okay, an isolated incident of bad behavior, or stupidity, on the news here and there let me feel like good and evil were distinct, easily identifiable, separate, and balanced in the universe, and that destructive wicked stupidity was "over there", somewhere.
I was very happy with that illusion for a long time.
VERY happy.

But...Cabbage Patch Kids ruined that for me.

First of all, they're fucking ugly.
Anyone thinks they're cute, they're not right.
Mentally, that is.
Second, they're expensive, always were.
Fifty fuckin' bucks, even in 80's dollars.
Outrageous scam.
So, they're ugly, and you're payin' out the ass for 'em, which makes ya extra mental.
So, the whole phenomenon was nuts to start with...

But....on that first black Friday, where mothers were on the news literally beating the shit out of each other for the things, in hoards, like a scene from "the crazies", or "28 days later", and I think someone fucking died....think I heard that...

...It was then...I knew, I really knew, that something was deeply, fundementally, WRONG with human beings.
All of them.
As a species, something was broken.
I've been looking for it ever since.
I have some good leads, thanks to neuroscience.
It's been a dominating obsession with my life, this quest.
I probably should have taken psychology in high school.
Woulda come in handy.
But, I was unaware I was on this quest.
Until fairly recently.
So, it's been sloppy trial and error.
I'm getting better though.
I will find it.
Then a nuts and bolts person can fix it.

But yeah, Cabbage Patch Kids.
Cabbage Patch Kids did it in for me.
That was the final straw.
Lot more disturbed sleep since that moment in history disrupted my moral universe.

Course, the good news, is the antidote was Garbage Pail Kids.

Fans of GPK, of horror movies, of heavy metal music, of whatever the establishment found objectionable, we've always been made out to be sick, or bad people, but, we never started a fucking riot.

Whence the self-righteousness, normies?

No, you go ahead, enjoy your materialist gang-bang.
Have fun at festival.

Us sanies will be having another slice of punkin' pie.

1 comment:

Diacanu said...

Ope, I was close.
It was Wal-Mart, but it was over pay-as-you-go smartphones.

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