All right, here we go, let's hammer out today's...
Pringles Butter 'n Herbs (1985-86?)
The chips-
One of the best things ever.
Like PB Max, I still haven't stopped mourning them.
It's like fucking yesterday, I can still taste them.
They had butter flavoring, and garlic, and dill, and the usual onion-y spices.
The butter and dill were the real standouts.
I mean, don't you think butter and potato are a natural together?
They make a fucking loaded baked potato flavor now, with bacon, and cheese, and all that shit.
That's a helluva lot more decadent than just butter.
Where's my fuggin' Butter N' Herbs!??!
I wannem back!!
Hateful bastids!
And don't you conservative sonsabitches out there give me "entitled", I'm buying the fucking things in the scenario, dammit!
There was never a option of "GIVE me this back", put 'em on the shelves, I buy 'em, you make fuckin' money.
How hard is that shit?
You've got a fucking market begging to be filled, fill it, profit, shut up
Damn.
The history-
Well...at least with the the ingredients listed in the commercial, I can re-create the flavor...
I dunno, they say butter, garlic, and dill, and then say "and lots of tangy spices!", but they just show a potato, the dill, and garlic cloves again.
Yeah, it's bullshit, it's just the butter, garlic, and dill.
So....yeah, just make garlic butter with some dill, and dump that over your mashed potaters.
Or, home-make some chips with a fryer, and spray 'em down.
...and then send them to me, cuz I'm lazy. ;-)
Chef Wich (1986-1995)
The food-
Um, okay, can't find a picture...and that pisses me right the fuck off, cuz, they lasted almost ten fucking years, and people give you that dumb fucking look when you try to make them remember 'em.
I was damned lucky to even find that stupid logo.
So, they were microwave pocket sandwiches, like Hot Pockets, but bigger, and circular, and, as big around and as thick as a Burger King double-Whopper, and they were made by Tetley, the tea people, and, they started with breakfast, with egg/cheese/sausage, egg/cheese/bacon, and egg/cheese/ham, and then expanded into lunches with barbecue pulled pork, and steak and cheese, and the like, and....they were fucking delicious, and way better than Hot Pockets, the bread was like fluffy pizza crust, they were just SO much better. Sooo much better.
And I miss them every day, and life has been an open sewer without them.
The history-
All of the above, plus, again, no one fucking remembers.
Ten fucking years they were on shelves.
Nothing.
"Oh, remember Chef Wich? They were awesome!".
*Slack jaw* "DUUHHH!".
Oh, I'm the stupid one?
I'm the weirdo?
Your memory sucks, you missed out on a product superior to shit (Hot Pockets) you all fucking buy, so don't act like you're too good, and I'm the freak?
Kiss my ass.
Sonsabitches.
Sonsabitches all.
And fuck alla y'all for not taking one fucking photograph.
And fuck Tetley for discontinuing them.
Fuck everybody!
Bastards.
Let me be happy for ten fucking years, and rip it away.
You're sadists.
SADISTS!
SAAA-DIH-HIH-HIH-HIIIISTS!!! *Sob*
Ahem, anyway...
Recipes!!
Best Swedish Meatballs Ever
Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups soft bread crumbs
1 cup half and half
1 T. butter
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 pound lean ground beef
1 pound lean ground pork
1 egg
1/4 cup minced fresh parsley
1 1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. ground ginger
1/2 tsp. ground allspice
1/2 tsp. ground nutmeg
2 T. butter
2 T. flour
2 cups beef broth
(1 cup sour cream optional, but recommended)
Directions:
In large bowl of electric mixer, soak bread crumbs
in half and half, 10 minutes. Melt 1 T. butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Add onion;
saute` until soft, about 3 minutes. Stir into bread crumb mixture. Add beef, pork, egg, parsley, salt, ginger, allspice and nutmeg. With
electric mixer, beat at high speed until mixture
is fluffy. Dip 2 tsp. in ice water until cold.
Use cold spoons to shape meat mixture into tiny
meatballs. Melt 2 T. butter in skillet used to
saute` onion. Brown meatballs in butter, turning to brown evenly on all sides. Drain cooked meatballs on paper towels. Stir flour into drippings in skillet. Gradually whisk in broth. Continue stirring until mixture thickens. Stir in sour cream until blended. Return meatballs to sauce in skillet. Simmer 15 minutes until meatballs are heated through. Makes 4 to 6 servings or about 48 meatballs.
Okay, she says tiny meatballs, but make 'em good spaghetti-meatball sized, and she says the sour cream is optional, but it ain't (IMO), and...she says a cup, but I always remember her using the whole fuckin tub, so, yeah, just double up on everything, and use a tub.
I like to be able to stand a spoon in my meatball gravy, dammit.
Stew Beef With Ketchup and Olive Gravy
Ingredients:
2 T. olive oil
2 or 3 pounds stew beef (can use a potroast as well)
2 cups ketchup (cheap brands work fine)
1 medium-sized jar of spanish olives (or salad olives)
2 cup water
2 T. flour or corn starch
1 cup water
Directions:
Sear meat in olive oil. Pour ketchup, olives and
2 cups water over meat. Cover and simmer until
meat is very tender. Bring to a boil. Combine
2 T. flour or cornstarch and 1 cup of water together and add to liquid. Stir until gravy is
thickened. Serve over mashed potatoes.
Sounds weird, but the ketchup, beef juices, and olive juices make a whole new taste, and slathered over buttery mashed potatoes, yet another taste, and,...it's decadent, and wonderful, and you must make this.
She says you CAN use a pot roast, but we always did the pot roast, and we pressure cooked ours, so everything really gets in there, and the meat falls apart, and damned near becomes part of the gravy.
Ohh, *drool* gawd.
Ma's Pizza!
Ingredients:
Crust:
1/4 cup warm water (105º-115º F.)
1 pkg. active dry yeast
4 1/4 cups sifted flour
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. sugar
1 1/2 cups lukewarm water
2 T. virgin olive oil
Sauce:
1 small can tomato paste
1 tomate paste canful of warm water
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. Italian seasoning
1/2 tsp. minced garlic
2 T. virgin olive oil
Toppings:
diced green peppers
diced onions
sliced mushrooms
sliced pepperoni
cut up ham
sliced black olives
crumbled bacon
sliced tomatoes
thinly sliced brown 'n serve sausages
precooked hamburger
Directions:
Dough Directions:
Pour warm water into a large bowl. Sprinkle in yeast and
stir to dissolve. Mix in 2 cups flour, salt and sugar. Add
lukewarm water and oil and beat until smooth. Mix in
remaining flour and knead on a lightly floured board until
elastic. Shape into a ball, turn in a greased bowl to grease
all over. Cover and let rise one hour in a warm place.
Punch down. Divide in half and pat each half onto a cookie
sheet or pizza pan. (greased). (Makes 3 12" pizzas or two
cookie sheet pizzas.)
Sauce Directions:
Mix all ingredients together and spread over pizza dough.
Sprinkle with mozzarella cheese and top with toppings
of your choice. Bake at 450º F. for 10 - 15 minutes.
Pizza seems like a basic thing, but...I don't remember ever finding a store bought, or chain pizza that ever tasted like ours, and I have fond memories, so, here's that.
Homemade pizza, Pepsi in the long necked glass bottle, and some Lou Ferrigno Hulk.
Good times.
Everything Jambalaya
Ingredients:
2 cups enriched white rice
1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil, once around the pan
1 tablespoon butter
1 pound boneless, skinless white or dark meat chicken
3/4 pound andouille, casing removed and diced
1 medium onion, chopped
2 ribs celery, chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped
1 bay leaf, fresh or dried
2 tablespoons (several drops) cayenne pepper sauce
2 to 3 tablespoons (a handful) all-purpose flour
1 (14-ounce) can diced tomatoes in juice
1(14-ounce) can or paper container chicken stock or broth
1 teaspoon (1/3 palmful) cumin
1 rounded teaspoon (1/2 palmful) dark chili powder
1 teaspoon (1/3 palmful) poultry seasoning
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1 pound medium shrimp, raw, deveined and peeled (ask for easy peel at fish counter)
Coarse salt and black pepper
Chopped scallions, for garnish
Fresh thyme, chopped for garnish
Directions:
Cook rice to package directions.
Place a large, deep skillet over medium high heat. Add oil and butter to the pan. Cube chicken and place in hot oil and butter. Brown chicken 3 minutes, add sausage, and cook 2 minutes more. Add onion, celery, pepper, bay, and cayenne.
Saute vegetables 5 minutes, sprinkle flour over the pan and cook 1 or 2 minutes more. Stir in tomatoes and broth and season with cumin, chili, poultry seasoning, and Worcestershire. Bring liquids to a boil and add shrimp.
Simmer shrimp 5 minutes until pink and firm. Remove the pot from the heat and place on a trivet. Ladle jambalaya into shallow bowls. Using an ice cream scoop, place a scoop of rice on to the center of the bowlfuls of jambalaya. Sprinkle dishes with salt, pepper, chopped scallions, and thyme leaves.
Okay, now, last one she did, she did a double-decker mess of it, threw it in a big crock pot...and I could swear there were bits of scrambled egg.
Maybe I imagined it...
Try scrambled egg, see how it goes.
Pierogi Casserole
Ingredients:
5 potatoes, peeled and cubed
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup butter, melted
1/2 pound bacon, diced
1 onion, chopped
6 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 (16 ounce) package lasagna noodles
2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
salt and pepper to taste
1 (8 ounce) container sour cream
3 tablespoons chopped fresh chives
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
Place the potatoes in a large pot with water to cover
over high heat. Bring to a boil and cook until the
potatoes are tender. Remove from heat, drain, then
combine with the milk and 6 tablespoons of butter,
mash and set aside.
Melt the remaining 2 tablespoons of the butter in a
large skillet over medium high heat. Saute the
bacon, onion and garlic in the butter for 5 to 10
minutes, or until the bacon is fully cooked.
Cook the lasagna noodles according to package
directions and cool under running water.
Place 1/2 of the mashed potatoes into the bottom of
a 9x13 inch baking dish. Top this with 1/3 of the
cheese, followed by a layer of lasagna noodles.
Repeat this with the remaining potatoes, another
1/3 of the cheese and a layer of noodles. Then
arrange the bacon, onion and garlic over the
noodles, then another layer of noodles, and finally
top all with the remaining cheese. Season with salt
and pepper to taste.
Bake, uncovered, at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C)
for 30 to 45 minutes, or until the cheese is melted
and bubbly. Serve with sour cream and chopped
fresh chives.
Okay, now, this thing is fuckin decadent.
If I could have this every day for a week, that might just make up for the whole Chef-Wich/Pringles deal.
And casserole? It's decadence lasagna.
It's heart-attack crack, it's I dunno, but she doesn't let me name this shit.
Okay, so, that'll keep ya busy.
Next time, more recipes, and more bitching.
Wheee!!
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