So, that last batch (part 1, part 2) finishes off the modern wave of Marvel goodies, now, we jump back to those bad old days, when Marvel was struggling.
When they couldn't get a Superman budget to save their lives, but their books were still outselling DC 3 to 1.
The bitter irony was lost on no one, especially the lads/lasses in the Marvel Bullpen.
Let's dive right in, with...
Howard The Duck
Dwarf in a duck costume, a pedophile that turns into a stop-motion scorpion monster, duck tits, giant foofy crimped hair on the female lead, and this song.
Yeah, that's...pretty much it.
"What did I do to deserve this??".
*Crosses arms, and looks down nose sanctimoniously*
You know.
Don't you pretend.
You know what you did.
The history-
This had good fuckin' money thrown at it, I was excited as a kid, cuz...I thought it would immediately lead to more and better Marvel franchises.
Blade was what...12 fuckin' years later?
Spidey another 4.
Really, Hollywood?
16 fuckin' years in the penalty box, but you keep mindlessly throwing money at Michael Bay?
Brilliant.
*Sarcastic thumbs up*
Hollywood execs are exactly like that woman we all know that bawls that she wants a nice guy, then she hops on the bitch seat of the Harley of the first stinky, tatted, crank-head that roars into town.
Well....they did place what they thought was a safe bet on George fucking Lucas.
...and this didn't warn anyone about the prequels?
My, but we were all so young.
Anyway, HBO played the shit out of this.
Argh.
The Punisher (1989)
The film-
I haven't seen this in ages, I barely remember it.
I know he lived in the sewers like the Ninja Turtles.
I know his origin had already happened, and they covered it in flashback.
Or, was it just throwaway dialog?
Eh, somethin...
I remember the scene where he shredded a casino with two machine guns for what felt like 3 whole minutes.
Yeah...that's about it...
I couldn't let go of the fact he didn't have his chest skull.
No chest skull, no War Wagon, no Micro, origin was fiddled with, modus operandi was fiddled with, may as well have been a generic action movie.
The title was essentially a marketing ploy.
Um..anyway, this came out in the theater everywhere but the US, and Sweden, so, this was straight to VHS for us Yanks.
The history-
Rental, disappointment.
Captain America (1990)
The film-
Um....well, it was better than the 70's ones.
Kinda...
Yeah, Marvel films were pretty thoroughly established as a joke at this point.
No one ever thought they'd get out of the hole.
We'd given up.
Huh, maybe this is why Harry Knowles cried at Spider-Man?
Ehhh...no, you're still a big baby.
Ya baby.
Big fat baby-waby.
Dip your head in gravy.
The history-
Okay, so, somewhere in the 80's, "Secret Wars", comes out, and spawns a line of action figures.
I got a bunch of 'em, including Captain America.
Now, I don't know exactly what foggy memories puzzled together in my head to cause this, but I decided to give the Cap figure a Dudley Do-Right voice, and have him relentlessly exclaim "stop!! You evil fiiieeeend!!".
I found this endlessly hilarious, and I did it for years, even after I hung up the toys.
No one dug it, no one was on my creative vibe, everyone I knew, especially my own folks, hated my fucking humor, and this, among many other memes I created, were a source of raw seething misery to everyone around me, no one was the least bit nice about it,...and yet I continued undeterred.
Now, this shtick had juuuust died down...and what happens?
That's right, Cap the movie fucking comes out.
"STOP!! You evil fiiieeeend!!!".
The bitch was back!!
*Maniacal cackle, diabolical finger twiddling*
I made the VHS box say it, I injected it onto conversations, I was like Jerry Seinfeld with "hellooooo!".
And guess what?
This version of Cap was corny.
It validated everything.
There's a scene where he's strapped to a rocket, he sees a little boy, and veers the rocket away from him so it doesn't kill him, then, crashes, and is frozen in the arctic...then, later on, he meets the president, and the president was that boy, to which Cap exclaims "gee whiz, Mister President!".
*Crosses arms, smug nod*
Yup...yup....fuck you, whole planet Earth.
I win.
Neener.
Anyway, this flick was pretty lousy.
I much prefer the way the new Cap movie handled the corn, by having Cap do USO shows, and chafe at it, then go on a rescue mission, and win the respect of the troops, and become a serious hero.
It was kinda like Marvel was consciously scraping off those years of bad mojo.
Brava.
Bravisima.
The Fantastic Four (1994)
The film-
Oh, wow, this one is a legend.
Never released, hilariously awful, a budget of 5 bucks, buried in a vault for ages, it was like "The Star Wars Holiday Special", something you only ever heard about, and always wanted to see.
Well, you can finally see this piece of dung on YouTube, and other streaming sites.
Get cracking on that if you want it, I ain't linking it.
I think Stan Lee in "Mutants, Monsters, & Marvels", said it best about this "oh, I felt so bad...the actors really tried, they acted their hearts out".
Yeah, you kinda feel that, there's a vibe like the poor sonsofbitches think they're in something good.
Or, at least, that they're in a real movie, and not a cynical cold-blooded ploy to retain rights.
S'why I won't link it, I can munch popcorn through some truly horrible shit, but I flinch at genuine tragedy.
One thing, even a couple minute clip of this thing will make you appreciate the hell out of the '05 version.
The history-
Eh, the above covers it.
Okay, that's leftover theater bombs, and VHS wonders, now, we jump further back, to the made for TV stuff to fulfill the actual title.
Dr. Strange
The film-
Just look at the guy!
The porno hair, and stash, you go through the whole movie thinking he's nanoseconds from plunging into Ginger Lynn.
But...y'know, I got a kick out of it.
They really pushed the crap 70's tech and budget of the time really hard to try to depict the dreamy hallucinogenic trip-out world of the comics.
I applaud the effort. For what they had to work with, it was a good job.
I would have watched this show.
The history-
SyFy played it once...back then they were Sci-Fi.
This, 70's Cap, Bixby/Ferrigno Hulk, and the 70's Spideys.
Must have been to cash in on a good Marvel that was coming out in theaters.
Speaking of 70's Cap....
Captain America (1979)
The film-
It's hazy....I seem to recall some good stunts...the story is a butcher job though....
The history-
Okay, dig this, in the earlier 70's, before I was born, they had this thing called "a party line", where like, you called into this big-ass conference call type deal to try to get dates.
It was the internet chatroom of its day.
My mother tried this thing out for a larf, and ran into this dude who went under the handle "Captain America".
She thought he was kind of obnoxious, and brushed him aside.
Couple more years later, she meets my dad, few more years later, they have me, and then, one time, it came out in a conversation, and I actually remember this, Ma finds out Dad was Captain America!
Ma lost her shit, and I thought he was Captain America for real for a few minutes.
Ah, good times.
Captain America II: Death Too Soon
The film-
Um, something about some aging virus or something.
Kinda remember it....
The history-
Okay, so, Captain America pops up in my life again.
Remember Mego dolls?
They had one of pretty much everything.
Here's Captain America.
I saw this at a toy store, and wanted it dearly.
Dunno why, I was usually a Hulk kid.
Think it was cuz I already had Hulk, and Spidey, and wanted more heroes to go with them.
Anyway, one time, a fake Santa (is there any other kind?) came to my nursery school, and had us do the whole lap thing, and I told "Santa", I wanted a Captain America, and the moron didn't know what the fuck that was, and gave me a really hard time about it, but, y'know, whatever.
(Fuckin' old wino)
But, I thought Santa was like birthday wishes, you're not supposed to tell anyone what you told him.
So, my folks never got the message, and I never got my fucking Captain America.
Ever.
I didn't connect the dots yet of Santa being fake, I just thought I must have fucked up somehow.
And all little kids fuck up somehow, so...I had a lurking sense of paranoia for awhile.
...and a lingering sense of Santa being a stupid vindictive old fuck.
Begrudging a harmless little kid a Captain America?
Not knowing what the fuck that even is?
What kind of shitty toy shop was he running?
Could you sic an Angry Bronze Age God on Santa?
Could you do that?
Could you go over his head?
Would there be brutal retaliation if you tried?
I decided to play it safe.
Life was hard enough without pitting the forces of the cosmos against each other.
Who did I think I was, John Constantine?
The Incredible Hulk (and sequels)
See here.
Generation X
The film-
Do the Dew!!
Extreeeeme!!
Ha ha, no....
I barely remember this...it's not on video, that above pic is some TV Guide clipping someone somewhere found.
I remember White Queen being one of the instructors, and I remember Matt Frewer being the villain, and gaining some sort of dream powers, and hamming it up like a ripoff of Freddy meets Jim Carrey.
The history-
N/A
Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.
The film-
Hasselhoff, nuff said.
The history-
Ditto.
Blade: House of Cthon
The film-
Man...'06, the film franchises were getting on their feet, finally, and then it's like they were TRYING to ruin it with shit like this....
The history-
Spike...I think...
Ooof, there, that's those...up next...oh..um...how about we go back, and do DC's crap?
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