More 90's food.

Munchies & Crunchies #13

An update on "I don't h8 the 90's anymore (Part 9)", which was part of Munchies & Crunchies #1.


Schwan's

See here and here.

So, here's the stuff I can remember us getting out of Shwan's.

-These stick-less ice cream bars the size of a Snickers that had a chocolate shell, vanilla ice cream inside, and then a core inside that of sweetened raspberry jam like they'd put in a jelly donut.
The chocolate alone was practically Lindt quality, and they were a fucking mouth orgasm.

-Same thing, but with mint ice cream, chocolate chips, and no jam.

-Root beer float bars. Okay, we didn't try these, but Billdude swears by this flavor combination.

-Praline pecan (in a giant plastic bucket)
-Peanut butter swirl (ditto)
-Cherry nut (ditto)

I looked, and they seem to have discontinued the buckets.
Sons of bitches.

-Waffle cones with vanilla ice cream with chocolate and nuts on top, a chocolate lining to the cone, and a chunk of chocolate in the tip of the cone.

-Bagel dogs.
-Sausage biscuit sliders.


Hood milkman.

Yep, the Hood milk company experimented with having a milkman, and our street was on the guy's rout. He just kinda faded away, apparently the experiment failed.
Anyhoo, here's the sparse selection we got out of this service.

-Spigot milk. Exactly as it sounds. It came in this two gallon cube made of the same plastic as a half gallon, and the cube had a suitcase handle molded into it, cuz it weighed a ton, and you'd put it on your top fridge shelf, and pop out this spigot, then pop up the little button, and hold out your glass, and you had spigot milk. And yes, you had to time that button just right, or you'd get a fucking milk puddle on your foot. Or, all through the fridge if you didn't pull the spigot out right.
I never saw this at stores, it was a milkman exclusive.

-Juice syrup. Pretty much like that syrup Kool-Aid they tried out in the 90's. Now they put it in teensy weensy bottles, and call it MIO, and you're only supposed to add enough to give your crummy yuppie-water flavoring. In the 90's, they trusted you with a milk-sized jug of the shit, and said "happy diabetes!".

-Disgusting soda. It came in half-bosses, and tasted like it wasn't mixed right, or something. One swig would taste like plain seltzer, and the next swig would be as strong as the juice syrup. And the flavors weren't good even if it were mixed right. Like, the cola and root beer tasted like candy simulations like in a lollipop. And they were flat. We never had these again.

-Disgusting "pizza burgers". They were burger patties with a cheese center infused into it, and with "pizza spices", mixed into the meat. They smelled wonderful cooking, your mouth watered for the thing you were smelling. But they were so greasy, they fried away to a little Steak-Umm sized flap, and the spices came out in the grease, and without the spices, they tasted like nothing.

-Disgusting leathery steaks. Description says it all.

They were clearly trying to compete with Shwan's.
They blew it.


Sam's

Owned by Wal-Mart.
In the 90's, this was supposed to be this big fucking secret.
Like, even when I worked there, Christmas was so crazy, we ran out of carts, and Sam's loaned us some carts, and we had to sneak over like ninjas, and "steal", these carts, and try to get across the street with them without getting hit by cars.
Luckily, it was 5 am, and there wasn't hardly anyone on the road.

The carts had the fucking Sam's logo on them!
Like customers wouldn't see that!
Ugh!

Anyway, if somehow you've managed not to hear about it, it's a warehouse club (like BJ's and Costco) where you join with a membership card, and everything is gigantic bulk versions of everything, and are expensive as hell, but you get a discount with the card, and you save even more the more you buy, and it's supposed to even all out.
My dad was too much of a stupid tight-ass to get enough stuff to get the big savings.
So, he quit.
Dummy.
I could have beaten him with a steel rake.

Anyhoo, here's some all-time favorites we got out there.

-Barbecue rib burgers (8 pack)
-Cheeseburgers (8 pack)
-Chef Wich (every flavor)
-Monterey Jack and shredded beef burritos (these were the best thing ever, and now they're gone)
-Shredded beef/chicken burritos (both flavors in one giant bag. Also gone)

-Squeezy bottle cheese. As it sounds. A giant squeezy bottle of this thick plastic-y looking cheese. It only tasted good if you nuked it, and even then, not great. BUT, the recipe I finally found where it tasted good, was if I mixed it with margarine, and nuked them together, and stirred it up into cheesey butter, and put it on popcorn. I'd nuke two popper's worth of corn, then make the cheesey butter, and it would always sog the top layer of corn down to moosh no matter how fast or slow I poured it, or how fast or slow I stirred the corn.
So, I just said "fuck it", and ate the soggy moosh with my bare hands, and they'd be shiny with this toxic ooze, and I'd suck it off my hands, then wipe with a paper towel, then wash my hands.

I repeated this process until the cheese bottle was gone, and I killed about 10 of those bottles.
I should be dead.

-JIF buckets. Yep, peanut butter in a Crisco sized bucket. As awesome as it sounds. Was introduced to these babies at Sweetser.

-Video games (this was the dawning of the CD-ROM age)
-Star Wars books (good old EU)

They also had an automotive department.
And chicks giving out samples.

Good times, good times.


Previously-

School lunches. (MC #11-12)