Condiments, sauces, and spreads

Munchies & Crunchies #14

This one started with one sauce, y'know, as a goof, and kinda grew.


A.1. Sweet Chili Garlic

Awesome.
Didn't think A.1. could get any better?
It can!
Plenty of garlic if you're a garlic head, and just enough heat to make your tongue tingle.
Well....fresh opened, it'll be hot enough to make you cough, but I like that.
It'll cool down though.
My grocery store stopped carrying it, but you can still get it online!
I discovered this about a LOT of these while researching.
If you have this, you don't need anything else on your burger; mustard, ketchup mayo, screw all that.
This'll drown 'em out anyway.


A.1. Poultry/ Heinz 57

Yep, chicken A.1. was a thing in the late 80's to early 90's, and I fucking loved it.
Its closest substitute is Heinz 57.

Chicken A.1. was tangier, a tiny touch spicier, and had a thicker grainy ketchup-y texture.
So it would cling to a dipped nugget better.
But again, closest you're gonna get is Heinz 57.
It's not a pale substitute, it gets the job done, but man, chicken A.1. was so much better.

Oh, and in my research, I found the TV ad for chicken A.1.
Click the link above.


House Of Tsang Szechuan Spicy Sauce

Another hot garlic-y meaty brown sauce to put on absolutely everything like A.1. garlic.
The one that inspired this entry.
Hotter than garlic A.1. and it keeps its heat.
For when you wanna take it up a notch.
It'll make your nose run, keep tissues handy.
Use sparingly.


Garlic and Tabasco ketchups!!!

Speaking of garlic and heat!
So, in the 90's, Heinz made a bunch of flavored ketchups.
Garlic, Tabasco, barbecue, and...some other thing I wasn't impressed with, and didn't buy.

Garlic and Tabasco were my faves.
Especially the garlic.
I tried barbecue, and...meh, why not just use regular barbecue sauce?
But, they went away.
So, I got looking just to see if someone had a picture of them so I could talk about them, and holy shit, they're back!
French's makes the garlic one now, and Heinz has the Tabasco.
And like garlic A.1., my store doesn't carry it, but you can get it online.


Laziness condiments

Mayochup, you've got your ketchup and mayo.
Hot dog relish, you've got your relish and mustard.
Boom, two squeezes to condiment up your burger/dog instead of four.
Efficiency!
Hey, if we're not getting flying cars, and robot butlers, we should be getting something.
Really livens up those depressing microwave burgers.
You almost think you're eating the real thing!
...almost....


Creamy Caesar

Yeah, this is an old-timey dressing, but I have to get the word out to the young kids, this shit is every bit as versatile as ranch!
Burgers, meatloaf, chicken nuggets, cold cut sandwiches, bread sticks, pretzels, reheated pizza, go to fucking town!
You wanna garlic your shit up, and not have other flavors fighting the garlic, this is your sauce!
I get store brand, but fancy brand is Wishbone.


Horseradish sauce

Gives you the same burn as wasabi without ripping the top of your head off.
Industry secret, most wasabi (even in Japan) is regular American/European horseradish with green food coloring.

Raw ground horseradish is diluted with onions, and the guys at the factory have to wear gas-masks and gloves, or they could literally fucking die.

These mayonnaise-y sauces will make you cough, but not threaten your life.

Woeber's is the brand I got at Sam's.
Naturally, it was a giant jug of the shit.
Kraft is easier to find around these parts.
Either one is good.


Honey mustard

Okay, I can't find a ready-made honey mustard that doesn't either lean too hard into the sweet, or too hard into heat with a tiny speck of sweet.
So, I've gotta take this shit into my own hands, and recommend you do the same.
Get a regular spicy brown mustard, I recommend Gulden's, and some honey, and play with the mixture in a sauce/dipping dish until it's just right to your tastes.
It's really the only fucking way.

The best honey mustard sauce I ever had was by Bullseye, but they discontinued it, and there aren't even pictures online to even prove it ever existed.
It was thick, and rich, and had grains, cuz it was a stone ground mustard, and it...*drool*...oh, God, it was just the best thing ever.

No one else comes close.
And this Gulden's mix doesn't come close, but like Heinz 57, it's as good as you're gonna get.
Oh, Gulden's makes a honey mustard, but...too sweet.
No one gets it right, not even them.
Gotta do it yourself.
Well, maybe it's just that the Bullseye version ruined me.
Most people are happy with their particular brand of ready-made honey mustard.
Not me.


Squeeze Cheese

I can't find the exact brand I got in the Sam's days, but it's not a hard item to find by other brands, and I'm sure those all taste better.
I went with the one that actually calls themselves Squeeze Cheese.
Cuz Velveeta and Kraft had boring names.

Have your fun with shit like this in your childood, teens, and 20's, and then bail out.
After that, it'll start to kill you.


Campbell's fiesta nacho cheese

Don't add the water and/or milk, heat it up as is, and it's con queso dip.
Better than the shit you get in glass jars.

Really good slathered over a meatloaf.

Yet another one my store, indeed all Maine stores, stopped carrying, but I found out you can still get it online.
They never stopped making it, it's just Maine sucks.


Honey peanut butter

Same as honey mustard, they make ready-made versions, but making your own is better.
Plus, ready-made honey PB costs way more for some reason.
It ain't extra "labor", they just pour honey in the vat.
Fuck that shit.
PB, honey, that's the recipe.
Make it.


PB fudge

From here...

Get a small glass bowl, like, what you put dipping sauce in, but, a big one of those.

Shovel out 2-3 heaping knife-fuls of peanut butter.

I prefer JIF, you may prefer a crappy second-rate brand.

Have refrigerated, a plastic tub of vanilla frosting.
The butterier and fluffier, the better.
Pillsbury makes a damned good one.

Shovel in a knife-ful at a time, the frosting into the peanut butter, and stir in, until the peanut butter loses its greasy aspects, and becomes a tan color.

Eat resultant mixture with knife.

If it's not perfectly to taste, play with the recipe with more scooping and mixing.

Repeat process until sated, frosting is gone, or, you feel sick.


Underwood deviled ham and chicken spreads

See here, and here.


And, that's all of that.
I'll do a sequel if/when I think of more.


...and now to retro link this, and the two before it, back to Thanksgiving.


Previously-

More 90's food. (MC #13)