Monday, January 31, 2011

I really friggin love the 80's (part 2)

All right, so VH-1 did a trilogy of these, so, I got two to go starting now.
So, here's part 2...


American Gigolo

*Eye roll*
Oh, goody...this unleashed Richard Gere on the world...*sneer*

Too Close For Comfort

My folks watched it, but I left the room to go play or somethin.
I faintly remember a grouchy old man yelling.
But, it didn't feel amusing, like when Archie Bunker was doing it.

Devo's "Whip It"

Ah, you glorious geeky bastards!
Didja know Mark Mothersbaugh was the musical director for Rugrats?

Richie Rich

I watched doesn't stick to my memory so well..
I liked his robot.
The dog was a little annoying...
And I always thought his Butler, Cadbury, had something to do with the chocolate eggs...

Grey Poupon

Jayzus, did this ever become a meme...

Superman II

Kneel before Zod!
'Nother frikkin meme.
Great fuckin' flick though.
The duology rivals Star Wars.
Although, I part with most people, I like 3.
I think 3, while weaker than 1-2, has its highlights, and makes Superman a solid trilogy (ignoring 4).
Well...look at it this way, it serves its trilogy better than Spiderman 3, or a lot of other part threes.
And, it's got Pryor!
And they did these timeless masterpieces all without CG.
And they never raped Superman with special editions.
And Smallville's pretty popular, so, Superman's prequel didn't suck.

Plastic Man

Plastic Baby fucking ruined it.
Worse than Scrappy Doo.
Worse than Jar-Jar.

Flash Gordon

Star Wars was supposed to be Flash Gordon, but Lucas couldn't get the rights.
I'm glad he didn't, I liked this campy take far better.
It looked like the 1930's serials jazzed up a bit.
That's what it should be.
And Queen, man.
"Flash!!! AAA-AAAHH!!".
Loved it.
They're doing a remake, I want nothing to do with it.

Michael Jackson's "Rock with You" (from his 1979 album Off the Wall)

I repeat the Jackson rant.
I stand by it.

Real People

Oh, yeah, the first reality show.
I never saw it.
But...harbinger of the horror to come.
This, and "real life".

The Blues Brothers

Haven't seen it all the way through yet.
Sorry, so much other stuff to see, and read, and download, haven't gotten to it.
It happens.

Eight is Enough

I didn't know what pablum was, or sappy, or y'know, didn't have much of a vocabulary to wrap my hands around certain concepts as a kid, but I just knew, certain...flavors..of show gave me an annoyed, bored, irritated, antsy kinda feeling, that I had to get the fuck away from the TV when they were on.
This was one.
Tripe even.
And I know I say "insipid", a lot, but that's what a shitload of 80's TV was.
And music, and film.

Solid Gold


Satin jackets


Stir Crazy

Pryor! Yayy!
Although, his wife said he was coked up on this one.

Private Benjamin



What I said about "Alice doesn't live here anymore".
Also, man, this thing was on forever.
Haven't seen it since it ended though.

Friendship bracelets


Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me"

Fun little ditty.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

Yet another game my friends had, and I didn't.

Friday the 13th

Didn't get to see it back then, obviously.
Halloween with gore, basically.
And, Drew Barrymore got gutted in "Scream", for not knowing Jason's MOTHER was the killer.
Yeah...I own the VHS-es of this series, cuz I thought I needed the homework for "Freddy vs. Jason", when it finally came out.
Turns out I didn't.
Not a fan of the Jasons.
Much more a Freddy person.



Didn't watch it.
Goddamned REFUSED to watch it.
Shut myself in my room when that glitzy melodramatic horseshit was on.


Oh, man...
I don't need to say it, let Robot Chicken tear into them.
That encapsulates my feelings on Smurfs well enough.

Journey's Escape

I loved me some Journey.
Lotta people, especially metal-heads, think they're corny as shit, I dug 'em.
Wanna fight about it?

On Golden Pond

Meh...boomer flick.

Billy Squier's "The Stroke"

Huh huh huh.

Endless Love

SNKKT, ptoooey!

Magnum, P.I.

Wasn't into it for some reason.
Watched it a few times, it wasn't BAD....
Musta been opposite something I did watch.
I dunno.

Rick James' "Super Freak"

It's a celebration, bitches!
Show Charlie Murphy your titties!

Iron-on decals

I thought these were the coolest things.
And I only had like...4 of 'em in my whole damned life.
Really, Dad?
Iron on patches were gonna break us?
*Eye roll*

The Fall Guy

Didn't watch it.
Sorry, folks.

The Rolling Stones' Tattoo You

...was "get off of my cloud", on this one?

Fernando Valenzuela

Um...ball player, right?

Hart to Hart

Didn't watch it.


Didn't care.
I was ahead of dopey Benetton on race.
Race always seemed like a goofy concept to me.
Ever since Fat Albert, when I was little, people were just people to me.
So, hey, it worked.
Another thing I admire Cosby for.
That's why I may seem so careless on the whole racial/cultural identity stuff in past entries.
I just think we need to get past the whole deal of segregated cultures.
"This movie/music-style is black, this one is white..".
Ah, bullshit.
There should be white rappers, black rockers, let the barriers all melt away, and let everyone do everything.
I see big dents in that starting to happen already, thanks to generation Y.
Or, "the millenials", as they want to be now.
Whatever, hurry up, humanity.


Caught it in reruns on WLVI.
Eh, s'okay.
Had Odo on it.
And Neelix!

Jelly Belly

Fuck yeah.

Jelly shoes

Doesn't ring a bell.

Clash of the Titans

Another one that rates up there with Star Wars.
Man, I was a lucky kid!

Simon and Garfunkel's concert in Central Park

Wasn't on my radar.

Mommie Dearest

Yes, I'm a straight man who is amused by Mommie Dearest.
Get over it.



*Nose crinkle*
The "Glee", of its day.


Yeah, I saw this...mixed bag, rolled my eyes through most of the songs, but you got the bit at the end with the bridge, and the helicopter that had tension, I dug that.
There was some dark stuff in there.
Well, Little Orphan Annie came from the depression.
All the shit from the depression had an edge.
Popeye, Batman, The Shadow, Green Hornet, Dick Tracy, Loony Tunes, pretty cool era.
Well, except the grinding poverty...

Steve Miller Band's "Abracadabra"

Hell yeah.
Loved anything that was run through a synthesizer back then.


Wasn't into it then, seen it since, good flick.
Dustin Hoffman's pretty fuckin' cool.
I even forgive him for Ishtar.
In D&D terms, he has enough hit points to shrug it off.
Warren Beatty, not so much.


I didn't know anyone who had this, but via videos, and screenshots, the graphics were comparable to my Atari 400.
2600 was more widespread, and popular, but the graphics were just ass.
Total ass.
Colecovision, good though.

John Mellencamp

"Jack & Dianne", was good.
Yeah, Mellencamp's cool.

Wayne Gretzky

Didn't care.

Laura Branigan's "Gloria"

Branigan could do no wrong.
I fucking miss her.

The Toy

Pryor again.
Little corny and maudlin in places, but overall, okay.

Conan the Barbarian and The Beastmaster

Conan is a fucking epic masterpiece.
It barely even needs to be said.
They're trying to get a remake going.
Fuck you, Hollywood.

Beastmaster, I dug it as a kid.
It doesn't quite hold up to how I remember it, but still good.
Rip Torn is a magnificent bastard in it.

Men at Work

I dug 'em.
Both their hits.


The shoes, right?
I might've had a pair, didn't pay attention to my shoes, just so long as they kept the rocks and glass out of my toes.
Still feel that way.

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior

Ah, Mel Gibson, you crazy, drunk, Nazi.

T.J. Hooker

Didn't watch it.
Cop shows were tripe in this era.

The Pointer Sisters's "I'm So Excited"


An Officer and a Gentleman

Fuckin' Gere again.
*Eye roll*
What a trout.

G.I. Joe

Wasn't into it.
Figured out pretty quick, even without the vocabulary to frame it, that there was something spooky and ominous about the Military Industrial Complex, and that this whole thing was a commerical for war.
A big thing that clicked for me, against that whole "rah-rah!", deal, was noticing the playground bullies had that whole drill sergeant demeanor going on.
Wasn't my vibe.
I don't mind it now as a relic of the past, I can enjoy it as fiction, but at the time, lines were being drawn.
I was very aware that various ideologies were competing for my heart and soul like divorcing parents.
It was a queasy thing.

Musical Youth's "Pass the Dutchie"

Managed not to even hear it back then.
Not into Reggae.

Pink Floyd The Wall

Missed out.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Best Trek movie ever.
Countless books and websites have been written on it.
Don't need my rant.


Richard Simmons

Drag queens tell him to tone it down.
Richard Simmons or glory?

Lionel Richie's "All Night Long (All Night)"

Meh, s'okay.

Staying Alive


Klondike bar

Good product, annoying ad campaign.
I much prefer Chipwich.

The Thorn Birds

Went out of my way to miss that shit.

Risky Business

See above.


Oh, come on, they weren't invented then, it was long before.
Well, I had me some.
A cheapo pair of yellow rimmed plastic Superman glasses.
Went through a phase of wearing 'em everywhere.
Why, I do believe...I wore them at night.

The Day After

Yikes, glad I didn't see this when I was little.
Shit!, damn, it had Gutenberg, didn't it?
Why was he in everything?!!?!?!??!
Well, at least his flesh fell off.

The Outsiders

Caught this on HBO, always dug it.

Cujo and Christine

Eh, not King's best stuff.
Mainstreamie Jaws ripoff spookum stuff, nothing challenging.
Pet Sematary, It, Stand By Me, Talisman, that's when he got back on track.


I used to think the ad was hilarious.
I dunno, hit me just right the way the dog said snausages.
It was the voice, or something.

Chicken McNuggets

Oh...*drool* I don't even CARE if they're made of baby chicks, or whatever the legend is.
I could pop 20 of the fucking things like potato chips.
That's not something sexy to admit to, but there it is.

Stray Cats' "Rock This Town"

Yeah, they were pretty cool.
Brian Setzer came back in the 90's with the whole swing revival thing.
That was cool too.

Donkey Kong

Game was fun, cartoon was an abortion.
It was distinctive for being the first Mario thing put to film though.
Well...unless you count the creepy live action guy in the Donkey Kong game ads.
There was also a Donkey Kong cereal.
It was flavorless, and cut your mouth worse than Cap'N Crunch.

Culture Club

Nope, Richard Simmons is still even gayer than Boy George.
Anyhoo, yeah, he was a damn good singer.



KISS takes off their makeup

Oh, man, this was a really big deal for some reason.
Like, unmasking Vader big.
Then, it finally happened
Just some guys.

Martina Navratilova

Didn't care.

Fraggle Rock

We got HBO for this.
Couldn't tell you if it was worth it.
I mean, it was Muppets, it was cute, glad I saw it, added to my happy memories.
But HBO was a wad of cash.
Well, I saw a million great flicks, so, it wasn't for Fraggles alone.


This was fucking epic at the time.
Hasn't held up to my memories, but, still pretty good, and very ambitious compared to the painful drivel that was on TV most of the time.
This made Robert Englund famous just before Freddy hit.


The Karate Kid

Yeah, I loved this as a kid.
As a jaded adult, I can see how it ripped off Rocky, from stem to stern.
But, I still look on it fondly.
The sequel, eh...
Loved it then, looking back, a bit over the top.
Course, the "karate kid incident", probably colored that a bit...

Van Halen's 1984


The wave

Get it outta my face.

The Cars' "Drive"

Liked "shake it up", "magic", and "you might think", better, but this one's good.

Beverly Hills Cop


Cagney & Lacey



Didn't they birth Ricky Martin?
All I can remember...
Oh, and then they had this like, mini-show in the commercial breaks of the ABC saturday morning cartoons in the buffer between shows where they'd play a Menudo video.
The theme was obnoxious.
Menudo on AY BEE CEE!!
Menudo on AY BEE CEE!!
Menudo on AY BEE CEE!!
Oh, they sang the song to "cities of gold", and "Spartakus", I think.
Yep, they did.

Scratch and sniff and Trapper Keeper

Scratch and sniff was my second favorite technology next to shrinky dink.
Humanity is at its best doing things like this.
Politics, and war, not so much.

Trapper Keeper, didn't use one until high school, and then had a new one every year.
Mostly got used for toting Harry comics from study hall, to library, to study hall.
Kind of a hardware version of a laptop now I think of it.
The gadget pouches, the little insert dictionary and atlas that came with it...
Yeah, cool.

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Oh, wow, I love this series of films.
It's very special to me.
I've ranted this before....

But, for this one, I'll go into specific memories.
Steve "again, of the Karate Kid incident", was spending the night at my house, and Ma was babysitting some friend's teen daughter, so, the girl wanted to see the marathon on HBO of the first two Nightmares, so, me n' Steve had to go to bed early, and Steve snuck out to peek, and I snuck out after him, and we saw the scene where Tina gets killed, then we got caught, and sent back to bed.
Well, I get woken up in the middle of the night, and Steve, who saw Creepshow before me, who saw Return Of The Living Dead before me, who saw American Werewolf In London before me "and lemme tell ya, he rubbed it in", woke up bawling his head off.
He'd had a fuckin' Freddy dream, and really thought he was gonna fuckin' die.
Part of me feels sympathetic, I'd had my brushes with sobbing nightmares too,'s a guy who'd been all cocky about his horror movie courage, and Freddy gets to him?
Freddy never got to me, I always dug Freddy.
Even moreso from then on.
Anyway, I finally would later see part 3, Dream Warriors, with my other friend "he with the snotty big sister", on his Cinemax, and man, that one was another life changer.
Really, with breathless tones, I uttered during the end credits "that's the best fuckin' movie I've seen in my life!".
And at the time, it was.
It had literally everything.
Blood, tits, jokes, scares, laughs, cutting edge effects, it advanced the story, gave you likable characters you could actually relate to, had celebrity cameos to ground it in our world, and then a pounding metal single for the end theme, it just hit every note for a cool movie period.
I was just blown away.
I really think it was the first R rated movie I saw begining to end, that wasn't some boomer-aged melodramatic sob story piece of bullshit.
It was really for me.
It was mine.
My friend shrugged it off like it was a trifle.
Man, he didn't get it.
After that, I was old enough to be able to follow the series on VHS.
What a joy.
What great years.

Thompson Twins

Yeah, "doctor doctor", was good.
Like me some Thompson Twins.
Their attempted comeback in the early 90's with "sugar daddy", not so good.

My Little Pony and Glo Worm

My little pony...*grumble*...
Well, at least no one died in a late-night sale of the things like Cabbage Patch.
Ohhh, yeeeaah, I remember...there was a fuckin' TV movie of My Little Pony, and...I watched it for some fuckin' reason...and it was really fucked up..
Like, it was DARK.
There was like, this villain with a hood, and red glowing eyes, and he had this magic sack full of evil purple smoke that would turn the My Little Ponies into these fuckin' demon monster horses to pull his chariot of evil, and they were like all rotoscope animated, and fuckin' real looking compared to the style of the ponies...
Oh, yeah, and the sack of evil beat like it had a fuckin' heart in it, there was that too.
Some really subversive bastard got ahold of that script, man.
I shit you not, this happened.
Course, the ponies win in the end somehow.
The power of love, or some goofy horseshit.
Hey! Horseshit, ponies, heh heh!
Oh, I remember why I watched it, Ma was babysitting the neighbor girl.
Heh heh, then it was this evil thing that I ended up getting a kick out of.
She was horrified, of course.
Made it all the sweeter.

Oh, and glowed..*shrug*...meh.

Rockwell's "Somebody's Watching Me"

Good one.

Splash and Bachelor Party (both starring Tom Hanks)

Fuck "Van Wilder", or any of that, nothing tops Bachelor Party in that genre of zany sex romp.
Just go watch it.

And Splash, Ron Howard's...well, second flick as director after "Night Shift", if I recall correctly.
Lotta people pretend it's his first.
Daryl Hanna was lookin' good in this, but, with my punk kink, I like her better as Priss in "Blade runner".
Oh, and "Night Shift", is a much overlooked, but cute little film, that you should all check out.
Michael Keaton's first movie, stars Henry winkler, Shelly Long is cute and not a cold fish in it.
I dig it.
S'better than fuckin' "Pretty Woman".
Which is probably on this list, so I'll save my rage for then.


Man...speaking of My Little Pony being fucked up....get a load of this.
It starts off as a christmas-y movie, like something Capra might've shot, then it morphs into a monster movie complete with splattery blender and microwave oven kills.
...and they marketed this flick at KIDS.
There was plush toys, color books, a cereal, trading cards, candy...
I really don't think the marketing people genuinely understood what had hit them.
I dunno, maybe there were some boomers with some yippie subversiveness still left in them, and they were still kicking up silt in the man's machine.
It was this weird little period of rebellion for awhile.
I liked it a lot.
Shit, Speilberg was in on this as an executive producer, he knew what was going on.
What happened to THAT Speilberg??!?!
Now he turns guns into walkie talkies.
Man, what 20 years does....

The Burning Bed

And speaking of that, what happened to THIS Farrah Fawcett!?!?

Tina Turner I the only evil one who, when Ike finally died, thought the headline should've read "Tina victorious!"?
Come on, can't just be me.
Can't be.

Stirrup pants

I don't know what button these pushed in my reptillian hindbrain, but they were hot to me.
I want to dig up a truckload somewhere, and force my future wife to wear them all the time.
Maybe I shouldn't admit to'll scare her away...
Kidding! Kidding! Hahahaha!!

Billy Idol

Ain't nothin' bad about being Billy Idol.

Revenge of the Nerds

Apparently, the little sidekick dude from "American Splendor", got a lot more out of this than I did.


Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

I'm Robin Leach, and you're not!!
Haww haaww fucking haaaww!!
Eh, somethin' like that.
Ain't that how you remember it?

Rambo: First Blood Part II

Lump this in with my rant on G.I. Joe.
And I liked First Blood, too.
This one got all Reaganomics on me.

Crack epidemic

Wasn't interested.
I remember thinking when I heard about it "rock cocaine, crystal cocaine, liquid cocaine, toothpaste cocaine, bubblegum cocaine, who cares? I ain't gonna use it, it's not a part of my life, why do do I gotta hear about it?".
Crack wasn't an issue in fucking Maine in the 80's.
I rolled my eyes, and moved on.

Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)"

Man, did the dude who sang this become a fuckin' mess.
Can't I enjoy any little ditty on the radio without some friggin human tragedy attached to it?
Thanks, VH-1.

Teen Wolf


Inspector Gadget

My grandfather dug it.

Remington Steele


Falco's "Rock Me Amadeus"

Dug it.


Coulda sworn this was a 90's thing.
Eh, the punch-able boomer yuppies in the commercial put me off it for awhile.
Played it since, it's okay.

Tears for Fears

"Shout", and "everybody wants to rule the world", are all I can rememeber.
Oh, yeah, there was their little late 80's/early 90's comeback "sowing the seeds of love", that one was dreadful.
Them, and Thompson Twins, should've quit while they were ahead.

Bobby Knight

The coach, right?

The People's Court

Jayzus, I dug this back then, then there was awhile that it was gone, and I missed it, now there's like 5-8 fuckin' judge shows that've taken its place, and I wish they'd all be blown up by the Joker.

Dionne Warwick's "That's What Friends Are For"



They don't rerun this on any channel I have, it probably hasn't held up.

North and South

Didn't care.

Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is"

Good one.
Either for just the tune, or for paying attention to the lyrics, and getting depressed on Valentine's day.
Oh yeah, eat your fucking heart out, Morrisey.
Mainstream pop will send you over a window ledge quicker than anything you could dredge up, ya poser.

Mr. Belvedere

You think "two and a half Men", is bad?
Check this shit out.
Well, fuck, "who's the boss?", is even worse than this, hence my rating of "uber tripe".

New Coke

The flag of surrender to Pepsi.

They can't ever take that back.


Well, I guess girls needed a superhero, it sure wasn't gonna be fucking Madonna, Wonder Woman had retired, and everything else was a pure insult to girls, like the ponies, and the Cabbage Patch Kids.
So, while it wasn't my bag, I got nothin' bad to say about Jem.
Shit, look at what the girls got now, fuckin' "Bratz".
Weep for your daughters, America.
Gut wracking sobs like a baby.
Go right ahead.
You earned it.

Weird Science

Ah, yes, Danny Elfman was a rock star for a bit, children.
Yep, it happened.
Check Youtube.
As for the flick?
The rom-com for nerds.
It doesn't suck.
It still holds up.


Pee-wee's Playhouse

Well, I more or less ranted my Pee-Wee rant in the last one.
Great show.
The original "Pee-Wee Herman Show", stage show, turned HBO special, was a tongue in cheek adult parody of kid shows, but Pee-Wee/Reubins transitioned seamlessly to a sincere kiddie show host, and it worked.
Even without the adult jokes, it was about letting your freak flag fly, and exploring your imagination.
That's good for kids.
I wish it were still on.
I put it up there with Mister Rogers for self-esteem building.
And hey, Cyndi Lauper sang the theme!
See how it all connects?

Jolt Cola

You don't see smartass upstart-ery in products like this anymore.
Well, not hardly.
"All the sugar, twice the caffiene", emblazoned right on it.
Then, the pendulum swung the other way, and everything got relentlessly pussified.

Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet

"Livin' on a prayer", was on this, right?
I really dug it then.
Looking back, wow...what a horrible message it had.
But..I didn't pay much attention to lyrics then.
It was all about riffs.
Heh heh, my uncle called him "John Blow Jobby".

L.A. Gear

Ah, fuck off.
The song in the commercial made me want to stab someone.

Paul Simon's "You Can Call Me Al"

Meh. It's cute. Not a favorite.

Soul Man

The movie?
Doesn't ring many bells.
Well, it's got "soul", in the title, so it's probably some schlock with ghosts/angels.
Fuckin' Americans, and their compulsive obsession with ghost shit.
It's 2011, and there's like 10-15 fuckin' ghost shows on.
Detectives who talk to ghosts, detectives who are ghosts, reality shows with utter dipshits running around with night vision cameras saying something grabbed their balls...
Look, if the night vision isn't seeing the ghosts, why are they fucking using it?
Ghost shit...for fuck's sake, people.

Ghostbusters, that's the only good thing to ever come of it, because it was snarky and wiseass about the subject, and it had science solving the problem.
And, it had Bill Murray.
Same goes for Scrooged.

Oh, shit, couldn't help it, I peeked on Google, it was the one about the guy who painted himself black to get into college.
That's even fucking worse.
Holy shit.

Rainbow Brite

What I said about girl toys being insulting, and bimbo-fying?
Right here.
Yet, again, Robot Chicken took care of this.

The Bangles' "Walk Like an Egyptian"

'Nother fun little ditty.

Y'know, David Lee Roth describes the 80's perfectly.
"The music SMILED, the hair SMILED...".

Aside from looming nuclear disaster, it really was a great time.
Shit, why can't we learn that now?
Why has simple stupid terrorism ruined everything?
Being nuked by the Russians was a more catastrophic prospect.
And look at the fuckin' depression.
Fuckin' Superman was born out of that.
Yep, Beastie Boys were right, you gotta fight for your right to party.
Look at the sourpusses that ran us into the ground in the 00's man.
Villains right out of a fucking John Hughes movie.
Wake up, everyone.

Dallas episode "Bobby Ewing Comes Back To Life"

Couldn't manage to give a fuck.

Howard the Duck

Dreadful, but...I liked it as a kid.
It had a fuckin' monster at the end, that's all I needed...*shrug*
Remember, chronologically, this is BEFORE I saw Freddy 3 on Cinemax.
This is the sort of cinema drivel I had to survive on in between Jedi, and Nightmare.

About Last Night

Never saw it.

The Mystery of Al Capone's Vault

I had Harry rant about this in a MSTisode, but man, Geraldo is really just a piece of shit.
Just utter shit.
No redeeming qualities.
Pure shit.

Ocean Pacific

Don't care.

Gloria Estefan's "Conga"

Eh. S'okay, not a favorite.

L.A. Law

Never watched it.
Boomer shit.
Yuppie boomer shit.
Didn't know anyone who watched it.
Would've dumped 'em as friends.

The Golden Child

Remember what I said in the last one about Eddie Murphy having long gaps of disapointment between his good stuff?
Right here.

Double Dare

I rolled my eyes at this goofy show back then, but, in hindsight, it's a helluva lot less humiliating than the wretched reality shows we've got now.
Although, the assholes on those shows would've been the children on this show.
So...they were preparing us.
Laying the foundations for the purer evil.

Garbage Pail Kids

Well, by now, you know my rant on Cabbage Patch kids.
So, you can only imagine how joyously I recieved the arrival of these.
Holding that first packet of cards from the first series in my hand instantly told me that the subversive weirdo community had come through yet again, but also, that the mere existence of it as a product meant there were millions of kids like me who felt the same way.
It was wonderful.
I collected the shit out of 'em.
Even after Cabbage Patch sued to have the likenesses changed.
I took that as their admission of shame.
Not only were they exploitive douches, but they couldn't take a fucking joke, and were tyrannical bullies about it.
Add Xavier Roberts to the list along with the other bitch-titted tyrants.

Michael Jordan

I got nothing bad to say about him, but I don't idolize sports people, so I got nothing superlative to say either.
Seems like a nice enough guy...

Don Johnson's "Heartbeat"

*Roars of laughter*

Joe Isuzu

David Leisure.
Live action Quagmire.
Ended up on "empty nest".
Bleeaagh. Bad show.
He deserved comic roles in good movies, they never quite came along for him.
Fuggin' showbiz.

The Fly

Great horror flick.
Caught this on VHS, they were finally allowing me to see shit then.
Cronenberg rules.


Beauty and the Beast

Oh, man, this was sappy tripe.
Its fandom needed to be beaten with a car bumper.
Shit like this laid the seeds for "Twilight", I'm tellin ya.
It's the same shit.
Nothing's new.

Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again"

Meh, pretty generic.
Rather have it on in the background than a lot of other shit though.
Wouldn't have minded some Whitesnake to break up the alterna-doldrums at my second stint at Toys R Us, that's for fuckin' sure.
Oh, yeah, this had the chick thrashing around on the hood.
Right, okay...


Stupid game.
Stupid yuppie game.
At my first stint at Toys R Us, some yuppie came in wanting this, I had to tell him, they hadn't made it in a friggin' decade.
He kept insisting that they must still have it, and that I should scour the storeroom for the fuckin' thing.
Well, I didn't have much else better to do, so I did.
The guy was very disheartened not to have his precious Scruples game.
*Laughs* Ah...Scruples *head shake*

The Fat Boys

One of the few rap groups I liked.
Them, Tone Loc, Digital Underground, y'know, the fun ones, the gangsta shit...not so much.

Flowers in the Attic

Hey, you women bought this shit, you're the gross ones.
Us guys just want lesbian threesomes.
You creatures with vaginas, you're just sickos.
How do you live with yourselves?
You should be ashamed to be what you are.
How'd you like that?
That's what it feels like, feminists.
Think about it.
Oh, but incest is still gross, and V.C. Andrews was a fuckin' hack.
Case closed.

LL Cool J


Predator,RoboCop and Over the Top

Why do they lump some together like this?

All right, Predator, cool.

Robocop, cool, and brutally satirical.
Eerily prescient.
About corporations, and the media, I mean, we don't have Robocops and Ed-209s yet.

Over The Top...I liked the song.
Well, both of 'em.
"Winner takes it all", and "meet me half way".
The movie...meh.
Watchable on a boring sunday morning, but not a fave.

Doc Martens

Didn't have 'em.
I was never cool.
I made my peace with this a long time ago.

Michael Jackson's "Bad"

Jacksons rant again.
You know the drill.

Full House

Worst shitcom ever.
Yep, every time we rotate back to 87-89 things start to go to shit.
It's like there was some big conspiracy meeting where the mission statement was "well...people are having too much fun, the threat of nuclear annhiliation hasn't sucked the life out of them like it did in the 50's, can we make life miserable again?".

Less Than Zero

Never saw it.
Liked the Bangles single off it though.

Jody Watley


Remote Control

Best gameshow ever.
MTV cancels everything good they ever make, and keeps the miserable insufferable shit on for literally decades.
Fuck MTV.

Biker shorts

Yhep, plum smugglers.
Fuckin' men riding around like they were smuggling plums.
Never saw chicks with 'em on, like I wanted.
Fuckin' life.


The last gasp of Rankin/Bass as a studio.
I really dug "The Last Unicorn", and "Flight Of Dragons".
Just a bitch that no one could fuckin' compete with Disney then.
Everyone that tried, died.
It's an even bitterer pill, considering what total dogshit Disney was putting out in this period.

Raising Arizona

Ah, Coen Brothers.
You helped the 90's suck less.
Thank you.

Suzanne Vega's "Luka"

Liked the dark lyrics, but um...the tune was sappy.
Loathed "Tom's Diner".
Droning and repititive as fuck.
Cute girl, good set of pipes, songs that could strip paint.

A Different World


Genesis' "Land of Confusion"

Dug it.
Plus, the video slammed Reagan, so, sweet.
I miss Spitting Image.
Some of the most brutal satire I ever saw.
The Brits really know how to do that shit.

Steve Guttenberg

Ranted about him before in "Coccoon", and "The day after".
He's just the pits.
And why was he in everything??
I couldn't fathom it THEN, looking back, it's even more inexplicable.

The Princess Bride

The perfect movie.
Told my personal story about it here.



I got nothing bad to say about Big.
Oh, and also my Tom Hanks rant from "bosom buddies".

Growing Pains

Almost as horrible as Full House, but it unleashed Kirk Cameron on the world, thus making its legacy far worse.

MTV's Headbangers Ball

Enjoy it while you can, rockers.
I'm Future-man here to tell you, rock/metal is doomed.
This shit comes along, called "alternative".
And the record companies as one dump all their metal acts for this shit, and the radio stations don't even let you have the choice of it, they just shove it up your ass.
And MTV not only aids in shoving it up your ass, they relentlessly mock rock, like they weren't the ones pimping it the past 10 years.
Fucking phonies.
You're screwed, Headbangers Ball.
It's a setup.
But you know what, grunge granolas?
You're next.
And not even in ten years.
Try six.
Then they toilet flush you for Britney Spears, and the mainstream music scene never comes back to its proper shape as something valid ever again.
But, this thing called the internet comes along, and democratizes the media, and everyone can have what they want, so fuck MTV.
But...until then, if you're into metal, you're in for a lot of pain for awhile.
A long goddamned while.
It's gonna be a helluva wait.
Stock up on CDs.
It's a loooooong winter comin'.

Ripped jeans

I always had mine ripped up from playing.
Ripping 'em on purpose just seemed such a desperate act of poser-y to me.
I was right.
People are fucking lame and sad.
They bought designer jeans, and Cabbage Patch Kids.
Nevermind the pet rocks, and EST courses in the 70's.


Okay, the only other good ghost thing besides "Ghostbusters", and "Scrooged".
Tim Burton was riding high in these years.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Eh, it's good.
It's got the famous meetup of the Warners and Disney characters.
I like it, ain't beloved in my heart like a Princess Bride, or a Stand By Me, or somethin.

Billy Ocean's "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car"

Mehh...this was the song for "license to drive", I'll forever associate it with that schlock.
Plus, they played it to death.

Jamaica national bobsled team

Didn't pay it any heed.

My Two Dads

I saw Greg Evigan walk by at Epcot Center once though.
So...that's the only celebrity I saw that I can remember.
Ohhh, no, I saw Bruce Campbell at Borders a couple years back.
I didn't have my movies on me for him to autograph, so I raced home to get 'em, hoping the signing would take a couple hours, but, I was too late, he was gone when I got back.

Oh, and my other brush with celebrity, was Richard Dawkins replied to one of my posts once.
It was a quickie, and he didn't seem too impressed with me.
I don't blame him.

Garfield stuffed animals

Ugh...they mean the suction cup ones on the car windows, don't they?
Man, that was dangerous and stupid.
I saw some crazy-old-lady car in the 00's that had stuffed toys totally blocking up the back window.
This compulsion still goes on.
WTF is wrong with people?
All these broken brains running around.
And you meet 'em all in fucking traffic.



Charles in Charge

Painful tripe.

A Fish Called Wanda

Friggin' great.
Naked Jamie Lee Curtis before she became the poo-poo-yogurt lady.

Ickey Woods and Bash Brothers


Hypercolor t-shirts

Didn't have any.

Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me"

Ah, yep, Hysteria, that's when I got into them.
I dug every track on that one.
Played the tape to death.

Young Guns

Didn't care.

R.E.M., Jane's Addiction, and Sonic Youth

The 90's start to loom again.
Although, I liked some R.E.M, and Jane's Addiction.
Can't remember Sonic Youth, so I must not've liked 'em, so they must've blew.

But yeah, it was coming, it was barreling down, the darkness.

Vice President George Bush elected President of the United States


Chia Pet

*Eye roll*
Yep, we come full circle back to pet rock type shit.

Tracy Chapman


Coming to America

Meh, this one was all right for a Murphy flick.


Weekend at Bernie's

Oh, man, come on!

Doogie Howser M.D.

Well, this was schlock, but Neil Patrick Harris is a cool guy.

Samantha Fox's "I Wanna Have Some Fun"

Hot chick, crappy song.

The Clapper

*Eye roll*

Field of Dreams

S'okay, despite being all boomer-y.
James Earl Jones is cool.

Pete Rose

Didn't care.

Biz Markie's "Just a Friend"

S'okay, liked "spring again", better.
His voice and verbal delivery are so funny in the chorus, I can't describe it.
Look it up.


*Grooooaann* fuggin' boomeeerrrss!!
I wanted to kill everyone in this.
With a chainsaw made of lightsaber.
Well, I'm a thirtsomething now, and they can't blame their age that they were drab, and lame, and whiny.
Nope, it was them.
I mean, granted, this was just a shitty make-believe show, but it had an audience of millions, so it connected to people that were really like this.
I dunno if "the big chill", is on the next list, but fuck that shit too for the same reasons.


The phenomenon, or was there a movie I missed?
Well, fuck the yuppies.
The preppies turned into the yuppies, and they raped our economy.
And they still think they're "top talent".
Line 'em all up against a wall.
Get the sentient AI gatling gun that enjoys its work.
Ain't got one?
Fucking invent it.
Come on, you IT geeks out there, what do we have you around for?

Richard Marx


Driving Miss Daisy

Well, Morgan Freeman's good in just about anything.

Zsa Zsa Gabor slaps a cop

Get over it.
This is when the news started to get fuckin' lame.
The celebrity shit was starting to trickle into the real news more and more.
We lost that war.

Guns N' Roses' "Patience"

Yeah...all the metal guys thought they had to do these fuckin' slow ballads to show the snooty critics what ARTISTS they were.
Fuck the snooty critics, you're never gonna please those fucking monsters.
Let 'em fuckin' rot in the cancer that they're MADE of, and stop punishing my ears.
Just fucking ROCK, wouldja?

Rock N Roll Flowers

Ehh...more pet rock shit.

The Beastie Boys' Paul's Boutique

Wasn't on my radar.

Bo Jackson

Didn't care.
So, this guy can play TWO sports I don't watch?
Whoopidy doo.

Designing Women


York Peppermint Pattie

Oh, come on, these were around a lot longer, and so was the ad campaign.
Really sloppy, whomever compiled this shit.
Eh, they're all right.
Lindt blows 'em away though.
But, that's not fair.
They're good for cheap candy.
Although, candy ain't cheap anymore.
It's fuckin' ridiculous.

House of Style

Burn it down.

"Lifestyles of the rich and famous", "cribs", "house of style", "the fabulous life of ...", it's all the exact same shit.
Stupid poor people watching money dance around they can't have.
That's what "love boat", was too.
And "Dallas", and "Dynasty".
Hateful television.
Fuck you.

Choose Your Own Adventure books

These were around way before this, and I dug 'em.
Liked the "Zork", series way better than the actual "choose your own adventure", brand.
Better writing, more creative.

When Harry Met Sally

Boomer flick.

Pretty much what I said last time, loved the 80's.
Happy times.
But, this time around, there was more of the creeping crud that the lame hollow 90's represented.
Not looking forward to those lists.
Or...maybe I'll be fun to tear into that shit.

And I repeat the rants for "walk like an Egyptan", and "headbanger's ball".
The gist of 'em, anyway.

Well, on to part 3 of the 80's...


Steve Zara said...

Amazing! Please keep these coming.

Diacanu said...

Just started on 80's part 3. :)

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