Friday, January 28, 2011

I really friggin love the 80's (part 1)

Ah, the 80's.
The decade I wanted to start with in the first place.
Lot of fond memories of this time, let's see if that nostalgia was warranted, or if it was a dreamlike haze created by selective memory.

I very vaguely remember it turning '80.
Tucked away in an attic somewhere, I have a snowman Christmas ornament made of felt that they made me make in school for the occasion, and "1980", was all over the place back then, but, I never grasped the significance at the time.
Just a bunch of random numbers it seemed to me.

After the flop the 90's turned out to be after similar brouhaha, and what a delusion all the "the millennium doesn't really start until '01!! People celebrating '00 are stupid!", stuff was, and reading up on how much pure bullshit was involved with the creation of the Gregorian calender,...I was right as a kid.
I always was.
Just another damned day.
But decades are nice for chopping time up into imaginary bits to have illusory power over, so let's plow ahead with these lists.

The 70's took me from ages 0-4, 80's took me from 5-14.
From nursery school, to Sweetser.
So, let's check it out.


The Love Boat

I knew it then.


All I remembered at the time was the dancing gopher.
Now, I appreciate it as a damned good classic flick.
I don't quote it to death like older-X'er yuppie swine, but...good flick.

The Vapors' "Turning Japanese"

Heh, heh, they're talking about masturbating.

Punk and preppy fashion

Punk hair freaked me out back then.
Didn't help that the stupid dopey media played into that anyone with colored hair was a scary violent shady person.
...course, also didn't help that the PUNKS played into that they were violent shady people so everyone would go fuck off.
But, in hindsight, I can relate to that.
Now, oh man, punk girls are a fantasy of mine.
Eh, I'm not badass enough.
Plus, I'd have to wear the costume too, and I don't do costumes.
And, at 35, I'm a geezer.
Relatively speaking.
Ah, well...
'Nother missed opportunity.

As for the preppies? Fuck 'em.
Fuuuuck 'eeem.
*Sneer* *Finger*

Strawberry Shortcake

All right, it was my mission as a little boy to despise all girl toys, and girl toy commercials, and Strawberry Shortcake WAS vapid and insipid, BUT...I do like the core concept of scented toys.
They should have gone further with this.
Yeah...they had scented Play-Doh in the 90's when I worked at Toys R Us, and also slimes with stinky smells for boys, but, that came too late for my childhood, and, it only hung around for that little bit of the 90's.
They should keep that stuff around.
It's just a neat idea.

The Blue Lagoon and Brooke Shields's Calvin Klein ads

Heh, heh, I told my Blue Lagoon story in the 70's.
Well, I'll go into a little detail,...weird damned movie.
I never got the ending.
Were they dead?
In a coma?
Dead, I guess...
Weird, weird damned movie.
Brooke Shields nudity though.
So, hwah hwah hayooo!!

Designer jeans

Tch, yeah, let's ridiculously over-price stupid cheap-ass common denim cuz a designer jackass sewed their dorky name onto it.
People are dumb.
It didn't get better in the 80's.

Air Supply's "All Out of Love"

That aspect of music didn't get better.

Pat Benatar and Deborah Harry (of Blondie)

Hot enough to roast flesh.
Holy shit.
You look at old pics of them all young and creamy, and...son of a bitch...
*Regrets having jeans on, squirms*

Who shot J.R.?

Didn't care.

9 to 5

My Ma dragged me to this under heavy protest.
Well, my toddler crush, big-boobs, was in it, so, in the end, I figured "what the hell?"
HEY, it's pretty good.
Actually funny.

Urban Cowboy

Izzat the one with the mechanical bulls, or the one where Bob Balaban blows John Voight?
Either way, yuck, no thanks.

Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust"

Meh, not one of their better ones.
Much prefer "we are the champions", or "Flash", or "don't stop me now".
Stuff with a little more oomph to the chorus.
This one was just kinda repetitive.

Kenny Rogers

Yep...he existed.


So...what was the thinking?
They were trying for, like, a 30's-40's style musical updated to the 80's with 80's music?
No thanks.
It has a cult though.


Holy Grail, Jerk, and this one, funniest movies ever.

The Sugarhill Gang's "Rapper's Delight"

The birth of*grumble*
I like a couple raps, but mostly, not my bag.

Actually...the first rap was in Deborah Harry's "rapture".

So, hey, blacks got even for whites stealing rock n' roll from them.
Let's have racial harmony now.

The Pretenders' "Brass in Pocket"

Eh, listenable.
Chicks' hot.
Probably a granny now.
Tch, the predator of time...

Mattel Electronic Football

The first portable video game.
Just a tad more advanced than Merlin, really.

The Miracle on Ice

Don't care.

That's Incredible!


Y'know those Discovery Channel specials that show human freaks?
And you know how Tosh.0 shows extreme stupid human behavior?
And you know those BBC shows that show what tech is coming up the pike?

Well, moosh all those together, with a slant towards the freaks and morons, and have insipid bimbo hosts of each gender that talk like game show presenters, and you have "that's incredible".
Evil television.
Short lived, but little did I know, it was a trial run for more ominous things to come.

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Ahhh, the masterpiece of the Star Wars saga.
And even the special-special edition hasn't managed to ruin it.

Star Wars shit dominated my play life for a long damned time.
Which isn't so bad, cuz Star Wars had a little bit of everything.
Cowboys, knights, wizards, princesses, black knights...

A better, happier, introduction to human myth than religion, if you ask me.
And thankfully, Star Wars had a higher place in my little world than that stuff, so it never stuck.
Always been grateful for that.


Cable Television and MTV

Man, MTV really was something when it started.
Heartbreaking to see it now.
But y' doesn't matter.
All the old videos are on Youtube any time you want 'em.
And new good music is on offer through your friends via Facebook, or Twitter, or whatever you use, so, let MTV die.
Doesn't matter.
The playgrounds that let creativity grow, and disseminate, always change, but they're always there.

As for cable in general, came into my life just in time.
Can't imagine my life with just network TV.
I caught up on so many great films thanks to HBO, TNT (back when it was like TCM), WLVI, USA, A&E (back when it was like TCM) and, scrambled Cinemax Friday night boobie flicks got me through puberty.
Fond memories.
Now...cable is better in some ways, worse in others.
I miss the frontier days of these technologies.
More adventurous and fun.
Well, there's always the next tech, we've got Youtube now.
As I said about MTV, the playgrounds change...

Well, like my grandmother with CB Radio, and me now with the blog.
It changes, yet it doesn't.


Infamous for its raunch, the movie you weren't cool until you saw, even against parental permission...ESPECIALLY against parental permission.

Now...quaint, dated, antiquated.
But, it spawned American Pie, which spawned...I dunno what the kids are watching nowadays, but it all started here.

Well...a little bit with Animal House, too, I guess.
And Animal House has held up better.
FAR better.

Reagan assassination attempt

Ranted about that here.

Pope John Paul II assassination attempt

I used to think he was "the good pope", but from everything that's come out, screw him.
Sinead O'Conner was right all along.
Didn't need to be shot though.
Arrested, yeah.
The new Pope even more so.
But, apparently, we live in a world where superstition holds so much sway, that there are actually people above the law because of it.
Your average person should wither with shame because of it, and demand it change.
But, apparently, we aren't even THERE yet.
How pitiful it all is.
Don't care if I'm offending anyone, you'll see I was right.

The Royal Wedding

The fairy tale they made out of this was just fucking obnoxious.
They're trying to do it all over again with William's wedding, I saw a collector's plate commercial.
Almost heaved.
People love their bullshit, don't they?
Literally, they LOVE bullshit, like they love a cute baby.
It's a weird unnatural emotional attachment to these dumb awful things.
Disturbing aspect of the human mind.
I've never ceased being horrified by it.
I'm grateful for that.
Better to be horrified, than hypnotized.

Luke and Laura

Ranted about that here.
In short, yuck.

Rick Springfield

"Jesse's girl", right?
Yeah, that was a good one.
Singalong alone in the car kinda one.


My parents pissed themselves laughing watching this.
Seen it now as an's aaaalriight...*shrug*

I hear they're remaking it with Russel Brand.
Well...that'll be interesting...

The Greatest American Hero

Wish I could say I was into this as a kid, but, I was a superhero snob after Superman, and couldn't get with the idea of a dude who couldn't control his powers, and flopped around all slapstick-y.
Joke got old quick for me.
Dad loved it though.
Wish we coulda shared that, but I was a little prick.
Well, SyFy marathon-ed it recently, and it was fucking great.
And I love the theme.
Great show.
Y'know, looking back, I think I subliminally absorbed a lot of this for Harry.

De Lorean DMC-12

Underrated, and overrated.
It's the paradox mobile.
Fitting that they made it a time machine.

Rubik's cube

Yeah, I did the "peel the stickers", trick.
Too hard.
Or, I was too dumb.
I hated the nerds that could not only solve it, but fast, and even set speed records on the fucking thing.
I hate my inferior brain.
Just smart enough to see the dumb in everything, not smart enough to fix it.

Kool & the Gang's "Celebration"

Eh, s'okay.


This was the shitty prequel/spinoff to SNL, that's only remembered for Andy Kaufmann going off script, and causing a riot on it.
Michael Richards took a swing at him during that.
And they were shocked to find out later, he was this explosive hothead?
Short memory on most people.


But Ghostbusters was better.

Bosom Buddies

Man, who knew the guy in this would end up with a garage full of Oscars?
You never know.
There could be a shitty show on right now, with a future star worthy of the title, who makes a future film classic that justly lives forever.
You just never know.
Facts like that give me little flickers of hope in the sea of darkness.

John McEnroe

Fuck him.

Hall & Oates' "Private Eyes"

I dug Hall & Oates.
That's it.
Just did.

Members Only

Meh...*bored middle finger*


Oh, man, YES!
This, and VHS, and cable saved my fucking sanity, and made childhood a joy.

The Jeffersons

Ranted about them in my "Good times", rant in the 70's.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

There aren't enough positive adjectives, it's just perfect.
And yes, RAIDERS of the lost ark.
Not "Indiana Jones, and the raiders of the ark".
You're an asshole, George.
A fuckenasshole.





Didn't care, wanted the damned music.

Toni Basil's "Mickey"

Ah, yes, 'nother sweet creamy young 80's chick.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Didn't see it in its proper time.
Depressingly out of date when I did finally see it.

The J. Geils Band's "Centerfold"

Has a damn good riff, and drumbeat.
And chicks in the video.

Square Pegs

Ugh, anything my friend's big sister was into was poison.
This was one of 'em.
Saw reruns, was right to hate it, missed nothing.

Rocky III

When the series started taking a turn into Toontown.
"Eye of the tiger", was indeed the thrill of the fight though.

Ozzy Osbourne

*Metal gesture*

Joan Jett's "I Love Rock 'N Roll"

Mmm, 'nother creamy chick...DAMN the chicks in the 80's were smokin!
And I noticed.
I was a horny little kid.

The Dukes of Hazzard

Too rednecky, wasn't into it.
Had a lotta family pressure to like 'em too.

The Go-Go's

Oh, Jesus, okay, my friend's big sister liked 'em, so I hated 'em, and their music WAS treacle, I knew what little skanks they really were behind the scenes, I woulda totally changed my tune.
The marketing wizards behind their bubblegum image totally missed some big bucks not letting them be themselves.
Stupid assholes.
Bill Hicks nailed it, marketing people are "the ruiners of all things".

Olivia Newton-John's "Physical"

I would have plowed Olivia Neutron Bomb.
Or, tried, dammit.

A Flock of Seagulls' "I Ran (So Far Away)"

The Vice City song.
I worship Vice City.
But I send my prayers to Joe Pesci.

Trivial Pursuit

I sucked at this.
I much preferred Scrabble.


I have nothing bad to say about keytars.
I have nothing bad to say about keyboard guys.
I think they SHOULD be out there dancing, and getting the same love the guitar guys do.
If you disagree, you're a prick.
So there.

Joanie Loves Chachi


Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man

Loved the games, but as a dopey kid, was more into the make-believe "world", of the games.
Y'know, the albums, the cartoon, the color books, the toys, all that shit.
Probably cuz I sucked at the game.
It let me still be hip to the trend.
Although....I did finally get good at it on Atari at 11-13, got all the way up to the keys, and the limes.

Course, today's games, the soundtrack, the cartoon, they ARE the game.
The game looks like a cartoon, and the music is IN the thing.
It's all mooshed together.
So, I was ahead of my time in digging that stuff, just the tech hadn't caught up to make it real yet.

But, I had faint visions of it getting there.
I didn't quite know why games couldn't look like a real show, or why you couldn't seize control of a show, and shoot characters you hated.
Didn't grasp the science of it.
But, I had ideas along those lines.
A lot of us kids did.
The smarter ones grew up and pulled it off.
Always been the idea guy, not so much the nuts n' bolts guy.

Anyway, yeah, goes back to Pac-Man, this "multimedia", stuff.

Tommy Tutone's "867-5309/Jenny"

A toe tapper.

Dungeons & Dragons

Never got to play the game.
And I'm the kind of geek that shoulda.
I got all the social shunning as if I were a D&D player, I may as well have had fun with it.
Ah, well.
Loved the cartoon show though.
But again, that would be the game now.

Oh, yeah! There was that whole kerfuffle from the church assholes that it was the gateway to Satan worship.
I was down in Florida in 1990, and they still had fucking infomercials about it.
People are fuckin' nuts.


Second scariest movie after Excorcist.

Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five's "The Message"

Doesn't ring a bell.

Silver Spoons

My mother wanted my childhood to be like this.
Well...wasn't so much.
I didn't mind.

Oh, funny thing, there was an episode where Ricky accidentally hacks into the defense department, and sees a top-secret plane, but the funny part, is either him, or his nerd friend says that "someday, we'll use computers for shopping, everything".
Got Amazon a couple mouse clicks from here.

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial

Yhep, 'nother one that made me bawl.
Damn you, Speilberg.

Hmm, had Drew Barrymore's Playboy pics on the old computer...shoulda kept those...
How 'bout that, Ricky?
Didja forsee cyberporn?
Why, I bet not!, I bet someone did forsee it, they had porno Atari games...people have always strapped sex onto every new technology....


National Lampoon's Vacation

Great flick.
Back when Chevy was funny.

Family Ties

Ehhh...mixed bag.

Diff'rent Strokes

Has NOT held up.
Gary Coleman became a bitter little man.
I wish he'd found true happiness before his death.
Lotta tragedy vibes hang over that show.
And it's not even one of the great shows, so it doesn't even have that to show for it.
All that pain and death for nothin.
*Shakes head*

Cabbage Patch Kids

Aw, shit....

Okay, an isolated incident of bad behavior, or stupidity, on the news here and there let me feel like good and evil were distinct, easily identifiable, separate, and balanced in the universe, and that destructive wicked stupidity was "over there", somewhere.
I was very happy with that illusion for a long time.
VERY happy.

But...Cabbage Patch Kids ruined that for me.

First of all, they're fucking ugly.
Anyone thinks they're cute, they're not right.
Mentally, that is.
Second, they're expensive, always were.
Fifty fuckin' bucks, even in 80's dollars.
Outrageous scam.
So, they're ugly, and you're payin' out the ass for 'em, which makes ya extra mental.
So, the whole phenomenon was nuts to start with...

But....on that first black Friday, where mothers were on the news literally beating the shit out of each other for the things, in hoards, like a scene from "the crazies", or "28 days later", and I think someone fucking died....think I heard that...

...It was then...I knew, I really knew, that something was deeply, fundementally, WRONG with human beings.
All of them.
As a species, something was broken.
I've been looking for it ever since.
I have some good leads, thanks to neuroscience.
It's been a dominating obsession with my life, this quest.
I probably should have taken psychology in high school.
Woulda come in handy.
But, I was unaware I was on this quest.
Until fairly recently.
So, it's been sloppy trial and error.
I'm getting better though.
I will find it.
Then a nuts and bolts person can fix it.

But yeah, Cabbage Patch Kids.
Cabbage Patch Kids did it in for me.
That was the final straw.
Lot more disturbed sleep since that moment in history disrupted my moral universe.

Michael Jackson's Thriller

I repeat my Michael Jackson rant from the 70's.
But, absent a time machine, and stuck with this reality, still a good video...


Oh, yes...this unleashed the Joe Eszterhas plague on the world...
Skookktt, ptooey.

Duran Duran

Rio, hungry like a wolf, yeah, their stuff was catchy.

Valley Girl

Millions of fuckin' dunces suddenly had a lingo to emulate.
Son of a bitch...*head shake* we've not yet seen the full extent of the cultural destruction this caused.

Pat Benatar's "Love Is a Battlefield"

Ah, Benatar, there's the antidote to mall bimbo cunts, a goddamned real woman.
Take notice you repulsive pop princesses of the 90's-00's she could actually sing.


The inspiration for Vice City.
Did I mention I worship Vice City?

The A-Team

Wasn't a fanboy for it, I could take it or leave it.
Oh, heh, there was one time, they were trapped in a warehouse, and they built a fucking forklift out of junk, and powered it by burning,...I shit you not, fertilizer.
My friend's dad goes "so, you think horseshit could really get that going?".
My dad goes "nah, nothing short of BULLshit would burn hot enough".
Heehee, that about sums that show up for me.

Def Leppard's Pyromania

I wouldn't catch up to them until Hysteria.
Good band though.

Eddie Murphy Delirious

I haven't seen this, but I've seen "Raw", and that one sucked, and gets me on the topic of how full of himself, and unfunny Eddy Murphy got during the late 80's.
I guess it wasn't as bad yet here, but yeah, his material got to be about bragging about all the pussy he got, and little else, his movies went downhill there was this long stretch...until he did Nutty Professor, and Donkey, I never thought he was gonna be funny ever again.
He goes through cycles.
Still overall, even with the peaks and valleys, one of the better heirs of the Pryor legacy.
Him, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, maybe Kat Williams if he keeps evolving.
Yeah, I like Murphy.
He's like, the Stallone of comedy...a lot of dissapointments, then out of the blue...wham!...another random masterpiece.

Dexys Midnight Runners' "Come on Eileen"

I was naive to this, but apparently, a lot of folks sang this with lyrics that made it sound like a bukkakke party.

Jerry Falwell vs. Larry Flynt

(Mortal Kombat voice)
Larry Flint wins! Finish him!

Knight Rider

Y'know...your memories of this are better than the show was.
Don't dig up the reruns, just don't..leave it be....


This has held up.
The Cold War was stupid.

Wacky wall walker

Invented, of course, by Doctor Fad.
Meh, unimpressive, frankly.
Suckerman was more bang for the buck in the "sticking ugly rubber shit to your glass patio door", department.

Styx's "Mr. Roboto"

Thank you very much, Mis-ter Roboto, for helping me escape, when I needed to!!

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

The toys were great.
The fictive universe as originally conceptualized was Tarzan, meets Conan, meets Flash Gordon.
The Filmation cartoon...odd....
And what was with Prince Adam's pink vest and purple tights?
Well...people forget now, but, there was this sort of brief mini-movement by liberal psychologists to try to de-homophobia-ize the colors of pink, and purple.
I mean, seems rational, they're just colors, right?
Didn't work.
He-Man looks gay now.
And its a miracle that being a fan of that cartoon didn't get one pounded on the bus by redneck children.
But hey, it was the 80's, weird time.

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Ahh, yes, the saga is complete.
I was 2, 5, and 8 when these came out.
Well, a lot of online geek assholes slam on this one, but screw them.
Leia's metal bikini, Jabba, Han finally unfrozen after 3 years (that felt like a fucking decade when you were a kid) the unmasking of Vader, I felt like I got my ticket's worth.
I almost levitated out of that fucking theater.
Anyone who says that movie let them down as a kid is a fucking liar.
If you saw it as a jaded teen, or adult...oh well *shrug*
And if you aged into a sourpuss that hates this flick now, oh well *shrug*
It was better'n stupid fucking A-Team or Dukes Of Hazzard, or whatever you thought was so great, so kiss my ass.

My only complaint...that another one didn't come out in '86.
Seriously, I waited for it.
You're an asshole, George.
A fuckenasshole.
Two shitty Ewock TV movies, then nothing, then special editions, and prequels.
Well, least there was the Thrawn novels.
Woulda been happier seeing those on the big screen with Mark, Carrie, n' Harrison, and no damned prequels.'re really an asshole, George.



Didn't care.


Didn't care.


Ranted about her here...
And she was part of that whole "my friend's big sister likes her", deal, as well as the whole miserable hateful mall bimbo bitch deal, but let me really tear into her when I get up to Cyndi Lauper...

Corey Hart's "Sunglasses at Night"

Love it.
Builds up to some good guitar riffs, kick ass.

"Where's the beef?"


Bruce Springsteen's Born in the U.S.A.

I didn't like that you were like, legally required to like this, or you'd get fucking lynched on the playground, and the teachers would let 'em.
One of the few times in my life I had to put on a front to survive and get along.
Vowed never to have to do so again.
And I haven't.

Mary Lou Retton

Had a little mini-crush on her.

Webster and Punky Brewster

Both awful shows.
But Soliel Moon Frye was a little pistol, and grew up into a really cool chick with absolutely no child star problems.
In fact, her life was such a cakewalk, it almost makes me angry.

Huey Lewis and the News

I have nothing bad to say about Huey Lewis and the news.

Miami Vice

The other inspiration for Vice City.
Did I mention I worship Vice City?

The Terminator

Keeck ahss.

Transformers and Care Bears

Why'd they lump these together?

Care Bears were miserable annoying creepy little shits.
Robot Chicken punishes them enough, my rant isn't needed.

Transformers made my frikkin childhood.
Loved the shit out of 'em.
Loved the movie.
Like I said in the 70's, it was my Woodstock.
A lot of my generation seems to agree, its fandom garnered it a 25th anniversary bells-n-whistles DVD.


Really? No one knew George Michael was gay?
He did jazz-hands with those little pink gloves, and everything.
George Michael, or glory?
Seriously, you can't have both, so choose.


I almost got a beating for not being into Prince.
Can you believe it?
I thought he was prissy, and "when doves cry", was creepy.
Hey, that's how I felt then.
Apparently, I wasn't hip to him being some major pussy hound, therefore a sexual hero to some kids.
Didn't see Purple Rain, didn't get it.
It was R, my folks forbade me from R flicks at that age.
So, being a good boy almost got me murdered once.
Wouldn't be the last time.
Well, Dave Chappelle's skit on him is my vicarious revenge all these years later.
So, hey, A.J. *finger*.
Suck it, ya stupid goofy redneck tool.

Sixteen Candles

Friend's big sister liked it, you know the drill.

Cyndi Lauper

Okay, so picking up from the Madonna rant, I liked Cyndi Lauper WAY better.
WAAYY better.
Still do.
She wrote her own music, she had that shock of punk hair, but wasn't scary, her videos were funny, and creative, just way more talented all around.
And, she was the kind of girl I wanted for a girlfriend.
I was evolving past raw horny, and was figuring that out.
Cyndi Lauper was fun, and smart, she would be your buddy.
That matters to me.
Madonna, total mirror opposite of that.
She was a nasty little narcissist, she wouldn't be your buddy, she's fucking incapable.
In fact, she always struck me as mean.
It was a vibe I picked up from the very start.
Mean, stuck up, trollup.
"Truth or dare", only confirmed this for me.
Everyone was so shocked, not me.
"Really? Madonna's a bitch? You don't say".
And all the stupid little cunts who emulated her were mean.
It was to be expected.
Despised them, smelled 'em a mile away, saw right through 'em like glass.
My friend's big sister turned into a Madonna clone, and after that, I full on hated her guts.
I was done with her.
She grew out of it, but the damage was done.
A pity Madonna couldn't grow out of it.
Y'know, good on her.
That's her punishment.
Let her get old, and be left cold and alone when her precious looks rot away.
She'll be the broad from "Sunset Boulevard", mark my words.

Y'know...not only would Madonna not be your buddy, and not have your back, I always got the impression she'd be the type to fuck your worst enemy in the whole wide world, and not bother to wash, then tell you after you had fucked her with a mean grin.
Just to do it.
No other reason.
Yes, I think that of her.
I really do.
I bet it's actually happened to some poor unfortunate.

But, I guess it's depressingly fitting that in this "only out for yourself", culture America has, showbiz culture even moreso, someone like her would rise.

Well, fuck her.
Let's see if her ditzy awful music survives the ages.
I got money on Cyndi winning in the long haul.

OR....maybe I'm totally wrong about everything, and Madonna is really charming, and funny, and clever, and her whole cold selfish evil bitch persona has been one long dragged out Andy Kaufman routine.
If so, that'd make her a genius, and the greatest performance artist whom ever lived.

....yeah, no.

Michael Jackson's Pepsi commercial disaster

Wow, who knew this ruined him so bad, it was the source of his painkiller addiction that helped kill him?
Yet again, I repeat my Michael Jackson rant from the 70's.

Lionel Richie's "Hello"


This Is Spinal Tap

Ohh, I wish I'd seen this back then.
Dammit, and the ban on R movies.
Fuckin-a Mom n' Dad, fuckin-a!!






Back to the Future

Keeck ahhs.
Steve, of the "karate kid incident", dragged me to this, and it was great.
Teen Wolf, not so much.
His tastes were a downward spiral after that.

Mötley Crüe's "Home Sweet Home"


The Goonies

Great flick, own it.
Cyndi Lauper did the song for this, and it's part of what's going to make her immortal.

Pee Wee's Big Adventure

A celebration of pure joyous weirdness.
My people needed this movie in a big way.
Came just in time.

Course, it just makes me think...Cyndi Lauper was doing her thing, Pee-Wee was on the rise, Goonies had its message of being a proud misfit, Weird Al was huge...I was under the illusion this cultural atmosphere would last.
...nope...dark times were ahead...
But, in this little window of time, I was truly happy, and in my full power.
Confident, secure, excited about life, active, social, things were really great.
And then....

Small Wonder


Bryan Adams' "Summer of '69"

Kick ass.

Big hair

Depended who it was on.


Eh, s'okay.
The Vacations were funnier.

"The Super Bowl Shuffle"

*Rolls eyes*

Bartles & Jaymes

SNL ripped into these ads pretty well.


Meh, s'okay.
Steve Gutenberg creeps me out though.
And why was he in everything?
He's crap.
He had to have tossed some producer's salad or something.

Til Tuesday's "Voices Carry"

See? Hot chick with big hair.
Til Tuesday chick, sexy little cotton swab.

Motley Crew, eeeww.

See, depends who the hair is on.

!!!!!!...I just figured it out!
The attitude of Cyndi Lauper, the hairdo of 'Til Tuesday chick, the scratchy voice and sarcasm of Sandahl Bergman...those ingredients make up Ryoko!!
THAT'S why I became a fanboy for Tenchi Muyo!
See...the subliminal's an odd thing...
Well, its a good anime still, I make no apologies for liking it.
...defending Shin Tenchi Muyo..yes, I'm sorry for that.

Live Aid

It was no "we are the world".

The Facts of Life

Friends' big sister loved it, of course.
Also, see my "the whiz", rant in the 70's.

Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time"

Hey, it was actually not bad.

Plus, the Eddy Murphy & Rick James friendship would lead to the best episode of Chappelle Show ever down the line.

Brat Pack



Eh...liked the technology, and the look of the glow...all the fashion applications looked dorky though.

Pound Puppies


"We Are the World"

Hey, hard to dislike it, it had everybody.
Well...except the metal guys.
Ah, well, can't have it all.


Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Didn't see this at the right time, now, outdated.
Both in time, and I'm not a teen.

Wheel of Fortune

Don't care.

Hands Across America

Annoying song.

Teddy Ruxpin

Admired the technology, that's about it.
The cartoon had the distinction of being more annoying than the Care Bears.


Weird show...operated on two levels of BEING a crappy sitcom, and self-awarely hating crappy sitcoms, and mocking the formula by plopping Alf into it, who proceeded to ruin everything, and not care.
He was the Roger of his day.
Damned weird.
Ahead of its time, but in what, I'm not sure.
I wager the creative process behind it was far more interesting than the show.
A documentary should be done.

Pretty in Pink


Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach"




1986 World Series

Don't care.

The Cosby Show

Eh....mixed emotions, cuz I have mixed emotions on Cosby.

Intelligent man, means well, I'm on his vibe on his cultural opinions...

"Himself", was a masterpiece of the standup craft, still stands today as his best work.

"The Cosby Show", spun off from the world weaved by the stories in that performance...but, in the long haul, I don't think it lived up to that promise comedically.

Wasn't as funny.
I get what he was trying to do with that show, was bait and switch...I felt like I was promised the zany weirdness in "Himself", and got a dragged out Negro College Fund commercial instead.

Laudable, but not funny.

When Simpsons came along to compete with it, it was a welcome relief.

And back to Cosby's worldview...he was an eletist control freak about it behind the scenes.
His clashes with Lisa Bonet are legend now.
He tried to control her life, like those Cosby kids were really his kids.
Yeah, crosses a weird line there...

And I never liked his finger waving at Richard Pryor, and Eddie Murphy.
That got my goat.

I dunno, maybe he felt like he was fighting for the soul of the whole negro race, and maybe on some level, he was.
You look at what's happened to the black community the past two decades, one wonders.

Maybe there's a little Cosby in me, looking at my crusader attitude to the world.
If so, I gotta look to him to avoid his pitfalls.

Yeah, overall, I like Cosby, and I admired the show more than I actually liked it.
Mixed bag.
I'll always fondly remember "Himself", though.

Baby On Board


Crocodile Dundee

Cute, forgettable.

Celebrity marriages


Whitney Houston

See above.

Comic Relief

Didn't get to see 'em.

Janet Jackson

Y'know how I said in the 70's Jackson's rant how Michael's death wasn't worth it?
Janet is one of the things it wasn't worth.

Stand by Me

Masterpiece that'll live forever.
One of the great films.
Who knew Meathead had this in him?

Run-D.M.C.'s "Walk This Way"

Never cared.

Top Gun

See here.


Dirty Dancing


Tiffany and Debbie Gibson

They're together in a SyFy channel movie.
So, we've constructed an actual physical Hell for forgotten celebrities to go to.

Hair crimping


Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam

Didn't care then, don't care now.

Fatal Attraction

Actually got to see this somehow.
Yeah, not bad.
Good thriller.
The fuck scene on the sink was wild.

Hair metal

Depends on the band.
Can't lump it all together.


Ah, yeah.
Simpsons were there from the start, just as shorts on Tracy Ullman show.
All I watched it for.
And there was Married With Children.
Lotta really horrible shows that lasted a couple months.
Forgot most of 'em.
But, it was neat to have a fourth network.
In the long run...aside from cartoons, they've sucked.
Seth Mcfarlaine's cartoons keep them on the air now.
And of course, they've spawned the hideous Fox News.
But also, the excellent FX.
And, Simpsons, a revelation at the time, need to be put to sleep now.
Worn out their welcome WAY worse than Cosby Show ever thought of.
Well, see, Cosby, the kids grew up.
Simpsons, as long as the voice actor can keep going, the characters never age.
So, it'll take people dying off to end the thing.
Mixed bag, Fox.

R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)"

Meh, toe tapper, got put into "Independance Day".

Oliver North and Fawn Hall, Gary Hart and Donna Rice, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker and Jessica Hahn

Ah, yes, the sexual hypocrite parade.

Wall Street

Didn't see it until recently.

Beastie Boys' "Fight for Your Right"

Oh, man, my schoolyard chums were INSANE for this one.
...had to play along...*eyeroll*
I mean, I liked it, but jeez, wasn't APESHIT.




Great fucking show, better than Taxi.

Salt-N-Pepa's "Push It"

Oh, fuck off.
They sucked.
I gotta pretend they were good cuz they were black?
Fuck that, they were genuinely awful.
Good riddance.
Insipid fucking crap.

Hollywood Shuffle

This was funny.
Nailed it.
Nailed Hollywood.
It needed nailing.
Townsend was never this good again, but glad he had this in him.

Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love"


The two Coreys

One's dead, one's a mess.
Made some good movies though.
Feldman was in Goonies, Stand By Me, Gremlins, and course the both of 'em did Lost Boys.
License To Drive was sappy....
Overall, not bad, good record.

U2's The Joshua Tree

Didn't care.
Fuck Bono.


Mike Tyson


Child's Play

This series didn't really get good until 4 and 5.


Oh, great sitcom.
I put this up with All In The Family.
They don't do shows like this anymore.
Everyone's a fucking yuppie, or a sports writer, or something.
And the writing's not there for this new shit, so much drivel, the sitcom is pretty much dead.
And yeah, Rosanne went batshit, and ruined the last couple seasons, and made the whole show a novel written by the character that raped the whole preceding continuity, but, I just ignore those episodes.
I keep rooting for a reunion that makes everything from Dan's heart attack onward an LSD flashback.
Overall, the rare good sitcom.
You don't get a lot of those.

Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up"

Oh, fuck off.
Fucking Rick roll.

Guns N' Roses

Ehh....Axel's voice has to grow on ya...took me awhile, then it was too late.

The Wonder Years

Oh, fuck off with this shit.
"Oh, Winnie, oh, Winnie".
And she was a stuck up little cow.
And he never got her.
BUT, it started off Fred Savage, and he was good Bride!

The Cure, INXS, Morrissey, Erasure, and Depeche Mode

Eh...I wasn't into this mopey stuff.
Even when I hit my mopey phase.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Mixed bag, this phenomenon.
The original indie comics were violent, edgy, and cool.
Everything after that, not so much.

Kevin Eastman got rich as hell off selling out like a whore...BUT...he bought Heavy Metal magazine, and tied up all the legal bullshit to get Heavy Metal the movie out on video.
So....I'm forever indebted to him for that.
I can forgive him the Turtles mess.
Water under the bridge.

Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry Be Happy"

Played to death.
Never want to hear it again.
McFerrin did a theme for a season of Cosby that was even more annoying than this if you can believe it.

California Raisins

...what was up with America?
It was just dancing fuckin' raisins.
Jesus, get over it.

Perfect Strangers

Even the star knows it.

George Michael's Faith

Fuck off.

Pictionary and Win, Lose or Draw


UB40's "Red, Red Wine"

Toe tapper.

Working woman's wardrobe

Brocolli hair, and shoulder pads.

Yo! MTV Raps


Who's the Boss?

Uber tripe.

Terence Trent D'Arby

"Wishing well", was his big hit but "she kissed me", kicks more ass.
Good riffs, good chorus, that's what I like.

The neo-hippie movement


Grateful Dead's "Touch of Grey"

Fuck off, old hippies.

Rain Man

Pretty good flick.

So, now we come up on the year Harry was born.


New Kids on the Block

A pestilence.
And harbinger of worse to come.

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

And it's got Carlin!

Milli Vanilli

Yeah, music was starting to go to shit by then.


Tetris was a bigger hit on Gameboy, so, if they're up to Gameboy, they skipped NES, and that's just a crime.



Rob Lowe's sex video

Oh, yeah, this is when America was suddenly all puritanical and self-righteous about sex, and at this same time, it was actually a big deal that Pee-Wee flogged his own dong.
And he's never been apologized to, and given another shot, it's never been made right, they still act like he touched kids or something.
Meanwhile, fucking Rob Lowe got The West Wing.

So, yeah, the weirdo culture was dying, they were out for scalps.
The bad guys won yet again.

Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time"

Well, you could almost see her pussy, that was cool.
Other than that, the song was a punishment.
Had to mute it to ogle her bony ass.

Do The Right Thing


Madonna's "Like a Prayer" music video and the ensuing Pepsi controversy

See what I mean about the puritanism?

Even so...fuck Madonna.
I had really had my fill of her by then.
Little did I know how much longer she'd cling to the spotlight.

Say Anything


The Arsenio Hall Show

Liked him as Winston in The Real Ghostbusters though.
If he'd just been himself.
He was a nerd, and tried to be all smooth.
Ugh, cut it out.

The B-52's "Love Shack"

*Grumble*...yeah, long gone were the "rock lobster", days....
I liked the redhead.
She turned me on.

Bobby Brown


Afrocentric clothing

*Eye roll*
Oh...okayyy...I guess blacks wanted to connect to their roots...but...that shit was ugly.
And I can say so, cuz they thought so, cuz...they ain't wearing it anymore, are they?
So nyeh!
Don't see me running around dressed like Austin Powers cuz of my lineage do ya?
It's that whole ethnic pride deal....



Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator"

Hell yeah.


Never saw this, but I guess this was the birth of X-er hipster shit, eh?
Harbinger of the 90's.
The storm clouds were forming.

Saved by the Bell

Fucking sewage.

Tone Loc's "Funky Cold Medina"

I miss Tone Loc.

The fall of the Berlin Wall

Ranted about this here.

Well, lotta miserable crap, lotta good stuff, there was that little window in the middle of my genuine childhood happiness.

Y'know what I noticed?
The 80's stuff was really for and by my generation.
70's, there was decent stuff, but it was all hand-me-downs from the frickin' boomers.
I kindly thank 'em, but, y'know...
My generation got its own identity here.
Some of it good, lot of it bad.
But, enough good, the 80's holds a special place in my heart.
Even acknowledging the flaws, I still feel warm for it.

So...onward to part 2...


Phil Rimmer said...

I thought I hated the eighties. (I was spoiled by the sixties, which of course ran from 1965 to 1974.) But you reminded me of some real quality stuff.

Roseanne was standout. I remember being shocked at the sight of real actors doing real acting. John Goodman was awesome. Brave scripts, happy to let the tag comedy go hang 'til the story was told.

Fantastic work, Mike. Loved the dizzying, bathetic, nostalgic rollercoaster ride.

Diacanu said...

Yeah, I change my rating of Dukes Of Hazzard from "cheese", to outright "shite".

Saw a rerun on CMT last night.

Comedy that's unfunny, action that has no tension, cuz no one can get hurt, and worst of all, boring.
I remember it being boring now.

Boring, stupid, TV that wasted my fucking time.

In a sad effort to fit in with boring stupid people, which was also a waste of time.

Archie Bunker, and Hulk, those were the good shows, I knew it then.
I was always a smart little kid.

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