Weird/humor/musing stuff, Part 4.

Stuff from Facebook #42.
-and-
Post 43 away from 3000 posts!

And, another batch for today!


What a mess!!

February 11, 2019

Tip for guys. Lay back in your recliner, break wind loudly, and go "Ohhhh! What a mess!". Your significant other will find it hilarious. *Winks with a dubbed in "ding!" sound*


Seagull dot.

February 17, 2019

Y'know that little red dot on the beak of a seagull? It's ketchup. From all the fries. That's a true thing. Don't check Snopes.


Fatness tips.

February 17, 2014

Fatness tips. 1. Clean your plate. 2. Clean the pan. 3. Use all the condiments. That's a whole extra course there if you dose it right. 4. Sides? Eat 'em. Decorations? Edible? Eat 'em. 5. Basically, if it'll turn into poop, fucking eat it.


I'm not a ritualistic eater.

March 3, 2015

(Reacting to this...)

Expensive food is wasted on me. 
I'm not a ritualistic or sentimental eater, I could put away that dog in less than 7 minutes. 
I'm not a wolfer, there's no messy chewing, or face stuffing, I just cut, spear, and chew very fast. 
It's normal eating on fast-forward. 
It's just how I roll. 
Plus, I don't fuck around with anything else. 
I don't gawk around, I don't chit-chat. 
I lock right in, and the ride doesn't stop until it's done. 
But, hey, if you wanna piss away 70 bucks on me, go right ahead. 
I won't stop ya. 
I'm sure the thing is delicious. It just won't be savored.


Brits reacting to our grub.

February 25, 2015 

Out of boredom, I've sat through a bunch of British reacting to American snack food videos. 
Well, you folks are never impressed by our chocolate, or our gum. 
I am neither offended, nor surprised. 
Also, someone has told you that Tootsie Rolls and Candy Corn are great. 
I don't know who told you this, but they're lying. 
They're also lying that Americans love them. 
These are candies specifically for thoughtless aunts and grannies to foist on children they hate. 
You seem to be 50/50 split on Twinkies, either you're horrified, or it's the best thing you ever ate. 
I have yet to see middle ground on this.


How to really cook a microwave dinner.

February 26, 2019

Laziness tip for microwave dinners.
If the box tells you to cook it, take it out and play with it, and cook it again, screw that, just add up the two cook times, and round off the half minutes.
The oven doesn't care, the food doesn't care, and there's no God of zap-dinners to piss off.
No one will know.


Rent.

February 28, 2017

On my cable on-demand "Rent", is free. 
Let that settle in for a few seconds. It's a thinker.


Cats hate to fly.

February 28, 2014

Human beings are the only animal that can't fly that wants to fly. Pretty sure if I spontaneously endowed Wembley with Kryptionian flight powers, he wouldn't strike a Henry Cavill pose, and take to it; he'd kick, and thrash, and flip over, and over, and over, and disappear into the sky like an escaped party balloon, too terrified to scream.

And the update...

February 28, 2020

Cats don't waaaant to flyyyy, I'm not thaaat na-ive!


Escaping that awkward moment.

February 26, 2014 

In my single-digits, teens, and 20's, I never knew how to get out of that awkward moment. 
You know the one, where you've injured someone who started shit with you, and its ruined the social function, and now everyone's acting like YOU'RE the bad guy, and some dickhead is cradling your victim, and shrieking in an almost female pitched voice "what the hell is wrong with you?? What the hell is WRONG with you??". 
Well, I finally know what to do. 
Don't stop the violence. 
Punch Mr. Shriek-y in his open mouth before he can finish "what the he...".. 
Just keep punching, and kicking, everyone and everything in sight, break furniture, break glass, until you make it to your car. 
And then, peel out. 
Horrific is better than awkward. It really is.


Erasing The South.

February 26, 2018

The ancient Egyptians had the right idea. 
After they beat someone in a war, they kidnapped all their children, raised them as Egyptians, then sent them back as adults to rule over their parents. 
Once the parents generation dies away, you've Borg assimilated their bullshit away, and never have to fight them again. 
We should have done that to the south after the Civil War. 
So much vile history would have been erased. 
Imagine a world where you don't have to bite your fingernails on election night, because Texas isn't a red iceberg anymore. 
Imagine no tiki torch rallies over confederate statues. 
Imagine no more fucking country music. 
Just gimme that fucking time machine.


Thirst for the flavor of Satan's throbbing member!

February 19, 2016

Okay, this idea is in pieces, but here's what I've got. 
The catchphrase "thirst for the flavor of Satan's throbbing member". 
That it should be said by an animated rabbit like a parody of an 80's cereal commercial. 
And, it has to end with the rabbit wompin' on Satan's chub with animated kids looking on in sobbing horror. 
I just don't know how to connect point A to point Z yet. 
And it needs animators.


Mega-sun.

March 8, 2014

Meggison. Mega-sun. 
All right? 
Not Meggeeson, not Mcgeeson, not Mejjison, not Magnus-on. 
Dopey telemarketers usually get this wrong, and I hang the fuck up on them. 
It's not an average boring name spelled wrong, it's a real damned name, and it sounds how it looks. Wrap your mouth around the language you've been born into. 
I've had Indian telemarketers get it right for fuck sakes.


Cain and Thomas. 

February 14, 2014

I only like two characters in the Bible. 
I hate that damned book on so many levels, but a big one, is I hate most of the damned characters. What a bunch of bores. 
A bunch of ass-kissing jelly-spines, or the occasional fucking thug dictator we're supposed to call a hero. 
And Jesus, he's perfect, so that makes him fucking boring. 
Y'know the two I like? 
Cain, and Thomas. 
Cain, because he's the first guy to fuck with the system, and mess with "the man". 
Thomas, because he doubts. 
The only rebel, and skeptic in the whole damned boring thing. 
They don't get nearly enough scenes.


F-bombs and nipples on TV.  

March 6, 2017

"Feud", last night on FX; holy shit, f-bombs on basic cable!!! 
We finally got there! 
So, we can have "shit", on network "Hell", in a Taco Bell commercial, now f-bombs on basic past 11 PM. 
I might actually live to see the 7 forbidden words un-forbidden-ed. 
If only Carlin could have seen it.

And the update...

March 6, 2020

El Ray drops f-bombs, and shows lady nipples after 9 o'clock. 
I know the exact time, because they marathoned the Jason movies, and the nipples had blurs right up til 9, then they came right off.


Pork shrapnel.

February 14, 2020

One time, I'm pretty sure it was in the 90's, my mother made homemade baked beans in a crock pot.
Greg was there.

For some reason, the piece of pork fat fucking exploded.
It got all up on the ceiling, and left stains that have never really fully come off.

My mother said "pork shrapnel!!", and Greg laughed like a fucking lunatic.
He thought that was the funniest thing ever.

Decades later, when he was a sad drunk who kept drunk dialing us, the pork shrapnel story kept coming up.
His boozy brain went on repeat like a Disney robot, and the same 4 or 5 subjects kept looping.

Watching Blackadder, watching the Dark Shadows remake, playing Rygar on Nintendo, and pork shrapnel.

Then, you know how it ends if you've read my wall long enough, he died.
Poor bastard.

So, someone on a board mentioned beans exploding, and that whole thing came back to me.
Figured I'd immortalize it in my anecdote bank.
For you, Greg.
Pork shrapnel man, pork shrapnel.
*Salutes*

Yeah, that was a sad one.
That falls under "musing".
Although, it's humor adjacent, what with it being a family joke in happier times....



Previously with SFF-

Hypocrites, Part 5. (SFF #41)