Postcards from Podsville #26.

Okay, boys and girls, now for our third "I", word.




Insolence, insubordination, and....

*Drumroll*

Insouciance!

Oh yeah, non-chalance.

Play it cooool, daddy-o.

Otherwise, you ain't gonna make it through this life absent a straight jacket.

In the midst of any heated situation, you must ask yourself "how can I not care about this?".

Screaming idiots in the next room?
Turn up the TV.
If that fails, pop in the earbuds, and fire up the I-Pod.

Or, if all else fails, try "could you two kindly shut the fuck up? I waited all week for this program. Ahhh, thanks, there we go".

Wait until you're made of enough cells before trying that one on.

Some pituitary case barking in your face?

Ask yourself "does this guy have a valid complaint? Does the validity of said complaint increase with the volume of his fusillade?".

99.999999999999999% of the time, the answer to the second one is usually "no".

And if the answer to the second one is "no", you can usually assume the first one shrinks down to an equal measure into the decimal zone.

People who buy into the converse of this argument usually buy into the whole "might makes right", bullshit, and look where that's gotten us as a species.

100,000 years of almost fucking nothing, until some snarky wise-ass came up with "sky cake".

The odds are in your favor, I think.

Oh, and notice I just assumed "guy", and "his"?
I bet you didn't.
We've grown accustomed to the worst aggressive bullshit coming from fucking men.
You never hear the feminists cry "sexism", on that shit, do ya?
Yhep, we don't get PC about truisms.

Anyway, having decided not to care about dorko, and his worthless tantrum, you now suddenly have several options available to you.

1. Smirk.
2. Cross arms.
3. Laugh.
4. Shake head.
5. Walk away.
6. Flip the bird.
7. All of the above.

If you think such behavior might summon an ass-kicking, keep the phrase "touch me, and I'll sue", on hand.
Or throw an "asshole", at the end as needed.

Or, if you're feeling particularly insolent, and in the mood for "All In The Family", quotes, try "I'll summon an army of bloodthirtsy Jews who'll pick your bones!".

That usually jolts their tiny brains.

(Hey, think that one's a bit un-PC, consider the mind of who you're dealing with)

Have a cellphone ready as a prop for that one, that helps.
Even an old dead one.

But, 9 times out of 10, anything from the 7 options works by itself.

Oh, you might get a lot of snake-hissy whispering behind your back where the only words you can make out are "jerk", "asshole", and "attitude", but....fuck it.

Yeah, they're probably plotting to put something unpleasant in your food, but know what?
Get out of there.
Decent evil plots usually take 3 days to set up properly.
Leaving right then and there, they never see that coming.
They're so used to being trapped and penned in in their own awful life, it never occurs to them.

All of which leads to the second question one must ask oneself "if there weren't _____ involved, would I care?".

Where "_____", can be...

A. Money.
B. Employment.
C. Pussy.
D. Drugs.
E. Gizmos.
F. Appliances.
G. Heirlooms.
H. Food.
J. Children.
K. Someone I genuinely give a shit about.

If the answer to the complete question is "no", then you have to objectively evaluate the worth of the object of the question with the next question.

"Is the possible loss of _____ worth the cost of the corrective pills for the chronic stress ailments the other person in this equation would have me endure?".

If you find the answer again, is "no", go back to that first list of 7 options.

Third question "is this actually my problem?".

This may seem like an easy one, but you'll be amazed how well people have gotten at making you think their stupid shit is your problem.

Visualize it like a diagram of the blast radius of a nuclear bomb.

Consider the center "my problem", the second circle "the problem of someone I know", the third circle "the problem of someone who knows someone I know", the fourth circle "the problem of someone who knows someone who knows someone I know", and the safe zone outside the circles as "the problems of complete fucking strangers".

Now, if you're at the center, that's non-negotiable.

But, if it's not fully in the safe zone, then the next questions come into play.

"Do I actually LIKE this person?".

And...

"If I fail to do anything, will it become my problem?".

If the answer is "no", to both, fuck it.

And if the problem is in the 3rd and 4th circles, you can usually assume "no", to both, unless you actually like the person.
(But..if you really did, wouldn't they be shifted into the 2nd circle?)

Unless the problem is some deep shit, in which case you have to ask "do I like this person THAT much?".

Friends of your significant other usually sail right through a big fat "no", on all of those.

And if you sail through with "no", to those (should take milliseconds) and you're not even expected to do anything, the last question to ask, is "why am I even listening to this shit?"

If the answer is the person in question burdening you with this, is the keeper of the genitals you satisfy yourself with, you're kind of stuck.

But, if not, go back to the options I gave on people fighting in the next room.

TV volume, I-pod, "please shut the fuck up".

Now, as for "the problems of complete fucking strangers", you'd think you wouldn't be popping Rolaids over that, but our society has gotten insideous about making you care about that bullshit too.

Here's a hint, people on TV are complete fucking strangers.
Even people on "reality TV".
If you find yourself grumbling aloud about the problems of TV people, you've stumbled on to a bad show, turn it off.
If someone burdens you with these storylines second hand, go through the whole "why am I listening to this shit?", cycle.

Now, whether it's the full-blown pituitary moron shrieking at you, or just plain general irritant bullshit coming your way from other people, ask yourself "did I actually do anything wrong?".

Go through a general list of the sins I've complained about on this blog.
Are you on the hook for any of that?
No?
Then fuck it.

People try to make you feel bad about that they just plain don't like your face.
Tough shit.

I refer you back to my little self-esteem motto.
"Who gives a FUCK what you think!?!?".
You'll be AMAZED how often it applies to the situation you're in.
Start using it like pepper on food.

Also, most important, DON'T CARRY STRESS.

I can't preach too hard, I fall off the wagon with this all the fucking time.

Ask yourself "is this stressing actually helping to solve the problem?".

Hint, it never is, it actually worsens your ability to do that.

And if it's a problem that only time can reveal how it'll turn out, well, you're helpless so...be helpless.
Stressing won't give you your control back, no matter what your hindbrain and/or testicles try to tell you.
Imagine you're falling out of a plane without a chute.
Will screaming help?
No?
Right.
Why do it?
Imagine putting your hands behind your head, closing your eyes, and tune out the ground, and just feel the wind.
Relax, like you're going to land in pillows.
Often times, you actually do.
If you land on spikes, stress out about it when you actually do.

So, anyway, use these tips, and you won't believe how much weight drops off your shoulders, and how much bullshit and assholes are just gone.

And with all the bullshit gone, there's the few things you can't avoid, work, chores, errands, helping friends/relatives, getting dragged to functions, and not all of that is bad.
Some of it can be interesting/pleasant.

But, when all of that is done, my suggestion is to do. Absolutely. Nothing.


"I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I ever dreamed it could be".

All the really great things worth living for either cost absolutely nothing, or are within range of a livable wage, and are easy to do.

Why people need "more, more, more!!!", to the point they need to build a little empire, and control people, or heck, even get people killed, well..they don't need to, they're sick.

And that's what Podsville really is.

We let our sick run free.

Don't be one of them, and don't catch the bug.
Consider this post your haz-mat suit.

Read More......

Postcards from Podsville #25.

The talk I wish someone had given me in my teens.

Okay, kid, don't be an idiot.

Go to college, take classes in journalism, use that to wheedle into being a film critic, like you contemplated.

C'mon, it's like all those MAD magazines you read as a kid, your brain totally ticks on that wavelength, it's a natural.

And if you end up not wanting to do that forever, you'll have the journalism to fall back on, plus, can use it to crowbar into any other writing thing you want to do.

Get a book or two under your belt, you can use that to get into comics, it's a swiss army knife into anything you want to do.

See? An actionable plan.

See, the assholes at school ain't telling you this, cuz they don't know.
They want drones.
And speaking of that, another reason to go for film critic.
Do it, or else, you'll end up putting up with the evil stupid bullshit that I'm having to tell your 20-something self about.

And if you don't think you can be a journalist, because you're not one of the jerks on the school paper, and the teachers make of the jerks who are on the school paper...
..fuck 'em, they're going nowhere.

Same reason not to stress ANY of the people hassling you here.
They're all bald drunks now.
Stop sweating it.

But DO sweat school.
Get your ass in gear, and get some good grades.

Otherwise, you'll be writing dirty angry blogs, and still working up the nerve for standup comedy in your 30's.

And also, the horrible jobs.

Read that if you ever need help focusing.

Focus, lad, focus.

Read More......

Postcards from Podsville #24.

The talk I wish someone had given me in my 20's.

Sort of an expansion on the themes already current in this rant.

Little more detail though, some more shit that would've saved me a lot of stress and misery, and that I hope can help some other young me out there.

First, read this rant.

Okay, kid, remember the bit about "team players"?

You hear that shit, get the fuck out of there.

Just head for the fucking door.

I'm serious.
As a fucking heart attack.

It only goes downhill from there, never gets better, and the worse can't be "ridden out", it doesn't let up, shit like that never fucking does.
Get the fuck out, or it will be your death.

If there's a guy who someone tells you "this guy is a bit of a prick/asshole, best to avoid him", get the fuck out of there.
Someone so bad, it makes someone speak up, they're a bully.
A company that lets bullies in their lower-middle management, they suck.
Oh, and no, you CAN'T "avoid him".
You never can with these people. Never.
Likewise "keeping your head down, and playing along", won't work either.
It never fucking does.
Never fucking will.
Apply this particular rule to everywhere, and everything.
People take advantage, and the shit just gets worse, and worse.
Just get the fuck out.
Day one, walk out.
And don't let anyone give you this "stand your ground, or you're a pussy", horseshit.
It ain't worth minimum wage.
Do you know karate?
Got the cabbage set aside to learn karate?
Course not, you're working these shitty jobs.
You wanna personally do the detective work of how many buddies this guy has?
Let's say karate powers fell from the sky into your lap, and you kicked the snot out of every asshole in the place.
You wanna go to jail?
To court?
Fuck that.
Get the fuck out.
You're in a hellhole.
It will be your death.

Don't stay anywhere where there's a cheer, or a song, or exercises, or oaths, or slogans, and certainly not prayers.
Get the fuck out of there.
They want to break your spirit, and control your mind.
Fuck them.

Likewise, don't stay very long in a place that has it's own "lingo".
If a place can't speak plain fucking English they're hiding something, and it's UUUUGLY.

"Vente latte", "grande latte", insidious boardroom shit like "curtailing losses in the human resources department", these people are liars, and practiced lying leads to all the other crimes.
Don't even go in for "oh, we call our customers "guests"".
Oh, it's one little word, what could be the harm?
Fuck 'em.
Walk out.

Fuck any place that has training videos that don't just tell you how to perform your mechanical duties, but have a "philosophy", to them.
They sell fucking widgets, they shouldn't need a fucking philosophy.
This is another cult.
Run.
Don't even let the movie finish.

And don't let any motherfucker give you any bullshit about "what the company expects".
Not even in a barking tone, not even a relative.
Nobody.

This is what you "owe", these cock-knockers.
I'll lay it out for you nice and clear, and anyone tells you otherwise, they can go fuck themselves.

You show up, you do their drone work for them, that they're too fat and lazy to do, because they're fucking management, you're not a surly prick to the customers, and friday, you get a check.

Transaction fucking done.
The end.

Their shelves get filled, their pallets get cleared, their trucks get emptied, their cash registers beep, and their fucking business runs.

That's what they're in business for.

To make fucking money.

If they want to make a totalitarian mind-control cult, let 'em build a fortress down in fucking Texas, and fill it up with drugs and vagina like any decent fucking wackaloon.

You don't owe anyone your mind, your will, your dignity, or anything else.
Not no one.
And you certainly don't owe anyone your health.
You think they might be poisoning you, GET THE FUCK OUT.

They don't deserve to brain wash or murder you for minimum fucking wage, or for ANY fucking wage.

They pull out the "team building", shit, especially the cheers, you're in a fucking cult, get the fuck out.

You don't see no convenience store do this shit do ya?
Ya don't see no farmer's market do this shit, do ya?
No, you don't.
It's got nothing to do with real business.
Fuck 'em.

If you have a bunch of bigoted douchebag asshole supervisors, or gun nuts bringing their fucking Soldier Of Fortunes to work, and the only way you can seem to get along with them so they don't turn into bullies is to laugh at their shit, and "go with the flow", and "play along", and you feel it start to change your personality...

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.

These people are Nazis.
Run.

Same for dicks who brag about their fucking JAIL stories.
Keep an eye on that shit-burger, and get the fuck out.
Company hires that rif-raff, you're in a toilet.
You. Are in. A fucking. TOILET.
Leave!

Oh, and for all of these, don't leave notice, don't go through their bullshit rat-traps, just don't come back.
People do it all the fucking time.
And they're fucking happy.

Speaking of that, here's a spinoff of that.

If they start off, explaining how hard the work is, and the shift is three days on, three days off, rotating crews, and then gradually, they creep in an extra day, then they "merge the crews", and it becomes all week, and then they act like the work isn't hard, and you're "slacking off", for not being able to practically stock half the fucking store, and do the whole supply room, GET THE FUCK OUT.

It will be your death.

They're literally trying to KILL you.

It IS as hard as they first said, they're fucking with you, they're screwing with you, they're screwing you, get the fuck out.

Head held high, don't let anyone give you shit.

And don't let these fucking "heroes", who think they can stick it out, and look down at you, because you're not wearing a back brace, and an arm sling, and still working, get to you.
Fuck their guilt trips.
They made their choices, they're in zombieland, there's no saving them, too bad, get the fuck out.

Bringing it back to people who just don't come back, pay attention to that, pay attention to how hard a time they have keeping people.
If you see a new person every night who's gone the next day, something is wrong.
Something is very wrong.
Follow those people.
Follow them the fuck out.

If they ask you to do weird shit, like say, dispose of shit that ain't trash, don't do it.
Don't do anything weird.
Get the fuck out.
Right there.
Just get your shit, and leave.

Anything that even creeps up to that, any weird little chores outside your regular duties, that smells of some "loyalty test", tell them to fuck themselves, and leave.

They'll creep it up on you too, they're slimy, a little of this, a little of that, and then suddenly "okay, time to hose out the toilets".
"Wait, what!!?".
And your job is paper goods, y'know?
Nope, fuck 'em.

Or, they sneak in extra shit, and you're in "wait what?!!?", mode, and they act all put out, like you were always supposed to do it, like "oh, now it's time to unload the candy-man's stuff", like you've always been doing it, but you have amnesia.
And maybe you'll be tired, and your brain ain't firing right, and it also confuses you that the fucking candy-man plays along with it.
Y'know, fists on hips, grit teeth, crinkled nose, the whole performance.
Fuck him.
Some outside guy you don't know, don't work for, didn't sign a contract with, made some secret fucking deal under the table?
Bullshit.
Fuck 'em.
This is always exactly the kind of shit they try to make you do off the clock too.
Fuck them.
Wal-Mart got a class action suit against them for this shit.
It's fucking illegal.
Quit.

Don't let no manager try to be your fucking buddy either, that's how they creep it up on you, no manager is your pal, you're there for a check, they're there for a check, it's a cynical fucking relationship, don't let them ply you with this "____ family", shit.
They wanna talk to you about DVDs, next thing you know, you're sponge-bathing their granny.
Nuh uh.
No.

Watch your fucking ass, these people are pros.

Bullshit fucking GEYSERS off of them.

Now, say, something like in the "insolence rant", happens, where the manager slags you and/or your crew off.

Don't leave.
Stick around.
I mean, so long as none of the other evil shit above is happening.

Stick around, draw a check, and do a halfass job.
Fuck 'em, they're going to fire you anyway, they've as much announced it.
They hate you so bad, they can fire you on the spot, but no, they still want more of that "sucky", work out of you.
Show 'em just how much you can suck.
Or, leave, and leave him in the lurch to stock his own fucking shelves.
Works best if you can get everyone else to walk out too.
Can you imagine that?
Fat management prick having to unload trucks all alone?
Fuck that, he'd close the fucking place.
Then, upper-management can have his ass.
Fuck these people, these are cut-throat bloodsucking fuckers.

Oh, and don't do stupid shit like pee in their coffee or shit like that.
Boy, that shit's stupid.
I can't fathom the mind that thinks that's clever.
First, there's the disproportionate risk involved for so little a payoff.
Second, THAT'S WORK!
In their own way, they're making you do more work.
Snap out of it, stupid.
Kee-rist.

If some other dummy is doing that shit, and lets you in on it, THEN get the fuck out of there.
You don't need to be tied up in that.

Now, is all this quitter talk deadly in this awful economy?
Well...why should a bad economy trap you in a place that utterly annihilates your health and sanity?
All the politicians have to do, is keep ruining the economy for their evil bastard business pals.
Fuck 'em.
That shit encourages 'em.
Don't give 'em any encouragement, they've got to fucking learn.

Oh, and once you've figured out you're in a shithole you know you're going to leave, insolence, always.

It's your last day anyway.

Oh, another thing, don't ever take this shit out on customers.
I'm not into that.
It's like terrorist bombing, you don't know who you're "getting".
Don't let your mind twist towards that evil "there are no innocent victims", bullshit, that's how the fucking corporate office thinks.
Y'know, the guys who brainwashed the middle managers.
Don't become what you hate, for then, you are truly lost.

Oh, and be insubordinate.
Again, it's selling fucking widgets.
It ain't the fucking army.
Treat the boss like your next door neighbor.
He wants to be your fucking buddy, test him on it.
He wants you to be a "team"?
A team is made of equals, test him on it.
He wants you to be a "family", test him on it.

I betcha, I betcha he wants to be saluted, and called "sir".
Wake him from his hallucination.
If you ain't in the army, then he's playing army, and playing army is for little boys.
Don't call a little boy a title.
Calling little boys titles make them think they can have ice cream for supper.
They get enough of that treatment at the fucking horrible golf courses, and racist asshole cigar fellating lodges they go to.

Don't be a dick about it, just don't bow and scrape.
Act like you're a neighbor asking for sugar, or casually witnessing cops across the street.
If you even have to talk to the fucker at all.
Try not to.
If "insubordinate", pops up on a performance review, quit.
If you want to be driven by a sarge, you'd be in the fucking army.
Civilian life doesn't need any fucking army shit.
They want guys gratified by that life, let 'em hire all ex-army guys.

A real ex-army guy would probably snap their fat little neck anyway.
They'd be askeered to say "insubordinate", to a guy like that.

Pay attention to that too.
Pay attention to who they mess with, and who they don't.
I betcha ya see a pattern, I betcha.

Don't take people's shit.
And there will be shit.
People are full of it.
Self hating people out to suck on your self-esteem.
Don't let 'em.
These people died a LONG time ago.
They want your brains.
Guard your head, and watch your ass.
Cuz no one else will.

Papa Bear O'Reilly, and Doctor Phil won't tell you this shit.
They'll tell you outright to conform.
They'll tell you to watch "successful people", and copy them.

Hey, you wanna be a copy-person, why are you here?

Go to some fucking shitty expensive brainwashing seminar.

This is Shmegalamonga, motherfuckers.

Too late to complain now.

Okay, so that's how to deal with shitty jobs.

Don't want shitty jobs?
Stay in school, kids.
It's not that the college jobs are fucking great, it's the non-college ones are full of alligators, and snakes.
Gauran-fucking-teed.

And if you do do school, stay away from anything in the Dr. Phil zone.
If you're having to bump elbows with fucks like that, you took a wrong path.

And even for you shielded yuppie-kids, a lot of what I said may still apply.
There are assholes in all walks of life that need avoiding.

Hope this has helped.
It's sure been a charm to write.
:D

(Continue on to the prequel)
Read More......

Song of the week #11.

Read More......

Postcards from Podsville #23.

I heard what you were saying! You know nothing of my work! How you got to write a book on anything is totally amazing!



Boy, if life were only like this! Read More......

Postcards from Podsville #22.

Whelp, let's skim the news again, see if it got any better...

Murder, mayhem, chaos, horror, despair, plague, pollution, prick-waving, ignorance, incompetence, bullshit, and yes, drivel.

Whelp, guess not...

Also...

No one's gonna answer my challenges.

Liars, crooks, and thugs continue their raucous jubilation undisturbed.

And no one in charge deserves to be.

Happy Thursday, everyone! Read More......

Postcards from Podsville #21.

Somewhere, someone tells the one they love "I hate you!".

Somewhere, someone screams, shouts, and terrifies, in the name of "some goddamned peace and quiet".

Somewhere, someone drinks to forget unpleasant experiences brought on by alcohol consumption.

Somewhere, someone shoots up to take away the pain of being alienated by their addiction.

Somewhere, someone wire-taps and spies in the name of "liberty".

Somewhere, someone prays to God to finally return, and end all the gloom and horror in the world let loose by religion.

Somewhere, someone stuffs their face full of starch, sugar, and grease, then looks up at a sky polluted by methane from cow-shit lagoons, then across the street at a farm, abandoned because it was driven under by a subsidized corporation that churns out commodity crops, and then across the parking lot at the diabetes clinic that just opened up, then licks the burger wrapper, crumples and tosses it, and says "such a shame, but what can ya do?". Read More......