Thursday, December 5, 2013

Flicks I've watched (Part 22)

Part 15.

"I "meh", the Jasons (addendum)", being part 16.
"I REDO the Jasons!", being part 17.
"I REDO the Freddys", being part 18.
"Post-Halloween update (Part 1)", being part 19.
"Post-Halloween update (Part 2)", being part 20.
"Post-Halloween update (Part 3)", being part 21.

Well, here we go.....

The Hangover (2009)

Piece of shit.
Top to bottom.

Didn't laugh once, even by accident from thinking of something else.
I was stony faced.
Only split second flicker of joy I had was when Mike Tyson punched Zach Galifianakis.
Wish it had been real.

Critics loved it, America loved it, Rotten Tomatoes loves it, fuck all of you.
With a broomstick.
A sharpened broomstick.
Dipped in salt.

Anyway, the story sucks, the "jokes", suck, the dialogue is shit, the sight gags are groaners, everything of any note was done in way better movies in the 80's, and the "shocking", "edgy", shit was...totally absent.
Where was it?
I made sure to see the unrated cut, so don't give me no MPAA line of jive.
America clearly hit a reset button on its memory, and regressed back to infantilist puritans.
Yet again.

Ebert had this to say...

Now this is what I'm talkin' about. "The Hangover" is a funny movie, flat out, all the way through. Its setup is funny. Every situation is funny. Most of the dialogue is funny almost line by line. At some point we actually find ourselves caring a little about what happened to the missing bridegroom -- and the fact that we almost care is funny, too.

Well, gotta break it down the way I did as I read along....

Now this is what I'm talkin' about.


"The Hangover" is a funny movie, flat out,


 all the way through.


Its setup is funny.

You didn't think it was funny in "Very Bad Things".

Every situation is funny. 

Not a one.

Most of the dialogue is funny almost line by line. 

Every dumb word out of Galifianakis's dumb hipster face fell to the ground with a turd-like thud.

At some point we actually find ourselves caring a little about what happened to the missing bridegroom -- 


and the fact that we almost care is funny, too.


He continues, and after a lengthy plot dissection, we get...

Well, Zach Galifianakis' performance is the kind of breakout performance that made John Belushi a star after "Animal House."

Fuck you.

Oh, yes, let's go back to "Very Bad Things", for a bit.

He says here...

Peter Berg's "Very Bad Things" isn't a bad movie, just a reprehensible one. It presents as comedy things that are not amusing. If you think this movie is funny, that tells me things about you I don't want to know.

What bothers me most, after two viewings, is its confidence that an audience would be entertained by its sad, sick vision, tainted by racism. 

Whoa, whoa, RACISM???

You Ken Jeong's unfunny hacky chingy-chong Asian stereotype bullshit?
Eh? Eh?
This is all we get...

"Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong), the vertically challenged naked man they find locked in the trunk of the police car, is strong, skilled in martial arts and really mean about Alan's obesity".

His stereotypical traits are mentioned, but not commented on as such.
Blinders much?
Hypocrisy much?
And the dumb voice is totally ignored.

So, yeah, fuck the whole cynical heartless hype machine that created and fluffed up this glistening piece of cat-scat.

Watch a fucking Troma movie.
Hollywood hates you.
And Hollywood's goons hate you.
'Bout time you learned it.

Oh, and this almost goes without saying, I will not be watching the shitty sequels.

Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)

See here, and here.

Ahhhh, now THIS was fucking funny!!

And of course, as you can see in the links, this is the one Ebert tried to destroy in one of his phony-baloney moralistic crusades.

It's a stunning wonder I ever agreed with him on anything.

Anyway, the flick.
I dunno if I'd call it a classic, but it is a frigging hoot to see at least once.
It gives the finger to insincere holiday cheer, consumerist greed, and Catholics, all on top of being a fun little slasher.
Oh, and we get Linnea Quigley boobies.
I'd recognize those perfect orbs anywhere.
Ahh, happy.

But, see, this one was indie, and Hollywood has to crush the indies, and the critics are part of that.
The hypocrisy only makes logical sense in that context.

The bullshit backfired in this case, the negativity hyped it, and now Fangoria still talks about it 30 years later.

Iron Man/Hulk: Heroes United (2013)

So, mentioned this way back here.

They're going to try again in 2013 with another Iron Man, and an Iron Man/Hulk team-up movie.
Let's hope they've finally got their shit together.

If they haven't learned from the good live-action ones, they're blind, deaf, and dumb.

They're blind, deaf, and dumb.

Oh, all right, it's not horrible.
9 year old kids might like it.
Doesn't have anything for adult fans of the movies though.

A real "watch it, and forget it", flick.

I won't be seeing the Iron Man/Captain America followup.

And, that's those.
The end.


Paladin said...

Wow, no love for The Hangover? Then you probably don't need to watch The Hangover Part II, which is essentially the same story transplanted to Thailand. I really enjoyed the first one, was moderately amused by the second one, and haven't seen the third which was almost universally panned.

Diacanu said...

Nope, just didn't do anything for me.
Which actually makes me angrier than than if it's "Showgirls", level bad.

At least I can be entertained by "Showgirls", bad.

If I'm not entertained at all, my time has been wasted.

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