Thursday, February 17, 2011

I h8 the 90's (part 1)

So, now we get up to the 90's....

Whelp, after the 80's, I was 14, and was well more cognizant of that the new decade was coming.
Unlike, 1980, when I was just 4 heading towards 5.

I was all excited.
What incredible things were in store?
Surely it would be futuristic, and amazing!

Okay, looking these entries over so far, I notice there was a lot of cool subversive adult stuff I missed out on in the 70's, and there was a lot of trash I glossed over in my memory from the 80's, and it all sort of balances out.

And being able to stand back, and look at all of it from the omniscient perch of hindsight, I see there was really TWO 70's, and TWO 80's going on.

There was the 70's of Kiss, and slime, and Wacky Packages, and The Warriors, and Taxi Driver, and Dawn Of The Dead, and Alice Cooper, and Frank Zappa, and SNL...and then there was the dopey 70's of Tony Orlando, and "disco duck", and "you light up my life"...and the dopey 70's is the one the media foists as history.

Ditto the 80's, there was the 80's of Garbage Pail Kids, and Gremlins, and Max Headroom, and Morton Downey, and Richard Belzer, and Wes Craven, and Frank Zappa again...and then the dopey 80's of "just say no", and "valley girl", and leg warmers.
And the dopey 80's is what the media crams down your throat as history.

And the dopey 70's and 80's...that just sold more product, is all.
It's a marketing thing.

Well, it's like how when you bother to investigate, the 50's wasn't really one big christian-Republican sock-hop.

So, maybe there was this thread running through, of a cool version of EVERY fucking decade.
And maybe it's this running thread, that goes beyond decades.
Maybe this thread is what REALLY marks time.

And this brings me back to the first entry, of sensing at 4-5 that these little number sequences were meaningless.

So, maybe I have to be better about tuning into that for everything.
So, I'll give it a shot with the 90's, even though on the first pass, I found them quite loathsome culturally. comes the human sequenced chunk of time that got me from ages 15-24.

From high school, to just before TrekBBS.

Here goes...


Pretty Woman

We fucking start with this?

Well, I always thought it looked like insufferable garbage just from the stupid trailers, so I studiously avoided it. made like a zillion bucks, hung on in the theaters for-fucking-ever, and every critic, even ones I normally respect, cummed all over the fucking thing, like it was the rebirth of movies.

This thing had the planet in its fucking grip, it was unreal.

Well, I finally saw it for free on regular-ass TV in the 00's...and I was right, what utter shit.
What utter, utter, shit.
Americans are really fuckin' stupid.
There's no escaping it.

Richard Gere, as stated in prior entries, is a fucking trout.

Julia Roberts is the Madonna of actresses, overrated as shit, and shoved in your face
(although, she's finally faded in recent years in favor of Jennifer Anniston, whom I actually like, even if a lot of her movies are ass).

Their chemistry in this is just horrible, you'd sooner watch a bear fuck a bison carcass.

Just horrible.
There's nothing good here at all.
An unmitigated piece of shit from start to finish.
What the fuck is wrong with Americans?

I'll give it that it was the most relentlessly marketed piece of shit I've seen in my life.
Never before or since have I seen something exist solely on the merits of its ad campaign like fucking Pretty Woman.
No...there were probably others I'm blotting from immediate recall....

Still....fuck, really do like to have people think for you, doncha?
*Head shake*

Twin Peaks

Didn't fall for it and get sucked in.

"Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinéad O'Connor

Some Sinead goes in the ear nice.
No complaints.
Wouldn't buy the album, but if it pops up on classic radio....

Marion Barry scandal

Fuck him.

Ghost had the killer, and the embezzling weasel getting impaled, and the demons at the end...that was something....and Whoopi didn't suck in movies.
Standup, not so much.
She stole her whole act from Richard, you know.
Lock, stock, and barrel, and without shame.
So...anyway, mixed bag on Ghost.

Jack Kevorkian's controversial suicide technique

I agree with Kevorkian.
Scientifically, and ethically.

"The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground

One of the good raps.

MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice

Early Hammer, fun...Vanilla Ice, always foolish to me...especially once he started opening his mouth in interviews.
In hindsight, coulda survived just fine without either of 'em.

The Forbidden Dance and Lambada

Shove it.

"How Am I Supposed to Live Without You" by Michael Bolton

Black hole of talent.
The Pretty Woman of music careers.
Just insufferable shit.
What the fuck is wrong with people that they buy this shit?

"I've fallen and I can't get up!" commercials


"Groove Is in the Heart" by Deee-Lite

Yes, jiggle for me Bootsie....hehhh...

Provocative ads for Guess

*Waves hand like brushing away eraser dust, or waving away gnats*

Dances with Wolves

Oh, man, this is when Kostner started making everything 3-4 hours long, and acting like every flick he made cured cancer.
Another fucking trout.

In Living Color

Fun show, miss it.

"Hold On" by Wilson Phillips

Meh, audio wallpaper.

Edward Scissorhands

The Johnny Depp & Tim Burton marriage begins.

Slap bracelets



Haven't seen it all the way through...seen a good sized chunk though, it's okay..nothing ain't no Scarface or Taxi Driver or nothin...*shrug*
Fuckin' dopey critics acted like it was the next fucking Godfather or somethin.
But, critics liked Pretty woman, so, fuck 'em.


Beverly Hills, 90210

No, I take it back, the 90's were really fucking repellant.
This piece of shit was on for like, 14 years or something, and now it's back as a remake with no signs of ever stopping.
Way to go, viewing public.
Congratulations on your incredible taste.

Boyz n the Hood

This is actually one of the better gangsta flicks.
Actually pretty decent.

The Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill sexual harassment hearings

Fuck him.
Fuck Bush for picking him.
Fuck the shit he's doing now.
Fuck everything.
Fuck you.

Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and the rise of grunge music

Early grunge was actually cool, then Cobain offed himself, and it degraded into that c-string Blind Melon-y whiny hippie shit.
And like I ranted previously (headbanger's ball) you weren't allowed to like metal, it was just ripped out of the marketplace.
You were just TOLD this was what was "in".
Like, they couldn't co-exist?
Fucking rap co-existed.
What the fuck?

New Jack City

Didn't see it.

Color Me Badd

Didn't listen.

The "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?" commercial

Annoying jackassery.
Like most advertising, really.

Gerardo's "Rico Suave"


Thelma & Louise

A glistening turd pounded out into America's grateful mouth.
For shame, Geena, you're in MENSA, you know better.

Family Matters

Yeah, fuck off.

Pee-Wee Herman caught masturbating

I ranted about this after the Rob Lowe deal.
Total hypocrisy, injustice, you name it.
Culture warrior horseshit.
Sons of bitches railroaded him, from cops, to news-zombies.
And no one said a thing.
Too busy buying that fifth Pretty Woman ticket I guess.

Super Bowl XXV

Don't care.
You bump Pee-Wee off the TV, you flood the FM band with Michael Bolton, and you make Julia Roberts a star, and then I gotta be nice to your fucking sports games?
Fuck you, America.

Metallica's "Enter Sandman"

Okay, there we go, some fun music to antidote the pain.
Good riffs on this one.
Course, these guys turned into real assholes, but...that was later.

Point Break

Got used to comic effect on "Hot Fuzz", though, so it paid out eventually.

C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)"

*Eye roll*


Okay, these were neat.
Glad they finally caved on "rollerblades".
They were never going to be called "in-line skates", by the mainstream, get over it.

Garth Brooks


The Silence of the Lambs

This fucking saved 1991.


Wayne's World


Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco

Fuck everyone involved, and fuck the media for bringing us this pathetic soap.

Billy Ray Cyrus's "Achy Breaky Heart"

The Cyrus virus.
Poor Bill Hicks.
He hated on Billy Ray Cyrus so hard, and he hated on Debbie Gibson, and Tiffany...
If he knew, that Cyrus would breed a little she-demon singer of that ilk, as well as outliving him, I don't think he could have gone on.
We were fucking warned.

Ross Perot

Elections have never been so much fun before or since.

Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy"



Not funny.

The Real World

The beast is born.
Things are never the same.
Mediocrity holds an iron grip forevermore.

Woody Allen marries his stepdaughter

What is it with these wunderkind that become these creepy old men?
Allen, Welles, Brando, they start out so idealist, and hip, and then...something changes, and they just become these selfish creeps.
Fuck Woody Allen, and fuck his armies of dick lickers.
I liked that one bit in Annie Hall, and "Sleeper", but fuck, boomers, let it go, he's a creep now.
Meh, boomer shit.
They all deserve each other.

Kris Kross

Kid rapper.
Go away.

Madonna's Sex book

The Pretty Woman of sex books.
Thankfully internet porn has been the antidote to much of this puritanical titillation moron middle America had in these days.
Oh, and Madonna sucks.
Not in the good way.
Well, that way too, but, y'know.
Go reread my rant.

Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back"

Still a cute ditty that holds up.

The Dream Team

Don't care.

The Ren and Stimpy Show

Oh, man, I loved this show so much, it actually made me high.
Finally, a show that was weird enough.
And on top of that, look at the ocean of shit I was in so far.
I needed release.
This show came in the nick of time.
Yeah, the 90's had its good stuff...but it was buried in some serious manure.

Murphy Brown

The Bloodworth-Thomasons can just go step in front of a bus for all I care.
Preferably, holding the last copies on earth of all their DVDs.

Single White Female


Arrested Development

Probably wasn't as aware of them as I should have been....

Reservoir Dogs

Saw it on TV in the 00's.
Pretty good.
Nothing earth shattering.

Mortal Kombat

Overrated phenomenon.
Was to game violence what Madonna's book was to sex.
Get over it, move on, evolve, you morons.

Barney & Friends

Awww, crikey, so much awful shit from this decade....*facepalm*

Reebok's "Dan & Dave" campaign

Doesn't ring a bell..

The Bodyguard

Unh, fuck off....*eyeroll*

Beavis and Butthead

*Thumbs up*
Love how Judge got away with crapping all over the hideous music scene MTV helped create right on their own shitty evil channel.

And here comes the year I graduated...


Jurassic Park

Quite a phenomenon.
Dated as hell now.

Marge Schott


Snow's "Informer"


Where's Waldo?, people were really fucking bored...I mean MILLIONS this made?


Another humiliating black show I'm supposed to pretend wasn't stupid.

Free Willy

*Bored middle finger*

John and Lorena Bobbitt

Fuck this for taking so much news time.

Blind Melon's "No Rain"

Cute, but alternative jumped the shark pretty damned quick.

The Fugitive


The Waco Siege

They murdered those people you know.
And you all just sat and watched.
*Head shake*

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman


Snoop Dogg

Seems like a nice enough fella to hang out with.
Couldn't name you a single one of his fucking songs though.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

*Eye roll*
And I can't even say Voltron was better, cuz I know from the shitty reruns it just ain't so.

Dazed and Confused

Never saw it, haven't cared to.

Crystal Pepsi


Quantum Leap

Eh, shmaltzy, but not bad, not Beauty & The Beast bad, anyway.
Bakula is an okay shlub.
Liked all his shows so far.

Aerosmith's Get a Grip

Ain't nothin' bad about being Aerosmith.

The X-Files



Melrose Place

Deftly avoided.

Tonya Harding vs. Nancy Kerrigan

More soap opera bullshit that didn't need to be on my TV.

Reality Bites

I tried to avoid this, but it was on TV, and....ugh...worse than I imagined.
The Big Chill for gen-X posers.
I didn't care much for my generation.
There, I said it.
I think I got a raw deal.
In high school, my senior class was a bunch of little whitebreads that wanted to be their mommies and daddies; I related more to the underclassmen, and talked with them more.
And even now, I see more subversive rebellion, and upstart-iness in people of Mark Zuckerberg's age group, but, people my age....gawd, bunch of sellout conviction-less whets.
Not all, but enough.
Enough to divorce me from that sad lot.
I can't be the only one that feels this way, I just can't.
Well, Carlin did, Carlin was older than boomers, but he related to the hippies more than their parents.
Age wise, he was in-between, so could pick.
I don't think I'd be a good hippie, I would have been a great yippie though.
Yeah, a yippie, or a punk, I woulda been good at one of those.
But what did I get when my time came?
Grunge/granola shit.
Fuuuuck yoooou.

John Tesh

Ever listen to his radio show?
Life sucking.


Well, I missed Sandra Bullock.
Where the fuck was she?
And why?
And why didn't Keanu go to that penalty box instead?

The O. J. Simpson slow-speed chase

Oh, fuck O.J.
This destroyed the news.
It's never come back.


Shove it up your ass.
I said it back then.

Crash Test Dummies' "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm"

Fun ditty.
I can totally do that guy's voice.

George Foreman Grill

Wow, really? This long ago?

Boyz II Men


Tommy Hilfiger

Eat a gun.

Pulp Fiction

Overrated as shit though.
Holy fuck.
Like, not Pretty woman overrated, but'd think Hollywood had been blown up by a nuke, and this was the first new movie after the rebuild.
Well, it was a revelation compared to the Julia Roberts stuff being shat out, I guess.
But still, come on.

Ace of Base


Woodstock '94

A big, fuckin' corporate joke.



Forrest Gump

You wanna know who really hates this in a funny way?
John Waters.
Now there's a filmmaker.


Toy Story

Wow...'95, holy shit.
That old now...
Well, first fully CGI film.
Now, CGI toons dominate the industry, and it's almost no big thing.
Shit, FILM as a transfer medium is almost dead as a dino.

Party of Five

Cram it.

Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise"

Good hook to it.


Am I the only one who remembers they started out in the 80's with clear soda?
If not them, then there's a defunct soda company they stole their name from, cuz I distinctly remember having me some clear cola and rootbeer with "snapple", on the fucking bottles.
No one will believe me.


Kostner with another one of his cancer cure flicks.
*Eye roll*
Everyone raised such shit over the price of this thing, now it's no big deal.
I didn't care then.

Hugh Grant caught with prostitute Divine Brown

Good enough for him.

M&Ms spokescandies commercials

Still going strong.

Heroin chic

Someone should've been brought up on charges.
Possibly executed.
We don't live in a rational society.

TLC's CrazySexyCool

*Shrug* couldn't tell ya...


What ever happened to Alicia Silverstone?
She gained one stray ounce in the face, people acted like she was like 300, and her career went up in smoke.
Hasn't been seen since.
You're dumb, America.
You won't be un-dumb until you stop this behavior.

Rednex's cover of "Cotton-Eyed Joe"

Eh, cute.

Xena and Hercules

Alternated between cornball, and dark.
Weird shows.

Tattoos and piercings

Tch, it's like clothes now, no one even cares.


Remember when the movies at the Oscars were so bad, this little pig movie for children walked away with everything?
Yeah, that shit happened.
I hear the Japanese don't even have a movie awards show when the movies all suck.
It's called off.
I envy that shit.
That's just purely rational.


Which led to Playstation 2, which led to Vice City.
I worship Vice City.
But, I mentioned this, yes?

Chat rooms

Wasn't big on 'em.

X Games and MTV Sports

Fuck off.

Hootie and the Blowfish

Eh....*nose crinkle*


Mel the crazy drunk Nazi fools America again.
And the Scots too, this time.
That one was a two-fer.


The Macarena

*Eye roll*

Oakland Ebonics controversy




The Nanny


Tickle Me Elmo

Oh, yeah, held these for some family/friends at Toys R Us back in the day.


Assholes as people too.
Stupid assholes.

Independence Day

Hasn't held up.

Bob Dole

Oh, that's terrible...



Tiger Woods

So..there's a black guy who can dominate a sport I find boring as shit?
Whippidy dee.
As for his latest fuckery...still don't care.

Dennis Rodman

Live-action troll.

Mentos commercials


Quad City DJs's "C'mon N' Ride It (The Train)"


Alanis Morissette

Another blown out of proportion performer.
Seriously, people acted like she was the friggin' risen Jesus, or something.
She's just a crap singer, fuck, get OVER her!
Oh, man, there was like, some intimate concert thing she did on MTV, and there were knuckleheadeds in the front row WEEPING, and BASKING in her, like there was an aura coming off.
It was pathetic.
The "one hand in my pocket", song?
That's the one that brings you to your knees?
Shit, I get more verklemft over Ray Charles's rendition of "it's not easy being green", than anything Alanis shits out.
Her voice sucks, sounds like she's got a throat full of spinach or something.
Well, I couldn't blame the boomers anymore for elevating this bullshit, could I?
Nope, it was my generation doing it this time.
*Sigh*...son of a bitch...
Well, again, why I divorced my generation.

Kathie Lee Gifford's child labor scandal

Overblown, didn't care.

Sling Blade

Great flick.
Still miss John Ritter.

Joan Osborne's "One Of Us"


Jerry Maguire



Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

I think this movie saved the fucking decade.

Spice Girls

Pablum...but...after all the grunge, it was almost healing balm to hear anything happy.

McCaughey septuplets

Fuck off with rewarding all this breeding shit.
It's still going on, with all these gross reality shows, like "19 and counting".
Some goofy religious cultist moron is abusing her twat, therefore, it's gotta be on my TV?
What is this shit really about?
Are they trying to get us to want to churn out these gross monster-families so we can fight the Chinese?

Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping"

Little bit of this one went a long way.

The Full Monty




Dolly the sheep

Has anything valuable been done with this tech since?

Beanie Babies

*Eye roll*
Yeah, I've done that a lot in this one but...come on, look at the dippy fucking decade I'm dealing with here.
70's had its fucking pet rocks and shit, but it had fucking TAXI DRIVER!

Boogie Nights

Burt Reynolds's other good movie.

Fiona Apple

Turdier than Alanis as a person, better set of pipes, songs were lousier.
It evened out.
Thankfully, she wasn't hyped as much as Alanis.
She was laughed off the stage mercifully quick.


Pet rocks with screens.


Gawd, another painful pseudo-hippie singer idiot.
The rule of Britney was miserable, but aren't you so glad THESE clowns are gone?

Ally McBeal


Aqua's "Barbie Girl"

Amusing ditty.

Lilith Fair

Did any memorable music come out of this?
Okay then.

Mike Tyson bites off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear


The Heaven's Gate cult


South Park

It got better.
Starting out


The Lewinsky scandal

Man, in the 60's, Linda Tripp would've been kidnaped by the secret service, shot up with potassium chloride, and left in the desert to be picked at by vultures, and we'd've never had to suffer this stupid bullshit.
Washington's gotten soft.


No cancer cure, but old men can still get bonahs.

John Glenn's return to space

It was just a ride.



Will Smith's "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It"

*Eye roll*



Backstreet Boys

*Bangs head against desk*

Dawson's Creek


"Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia


The Jerry Springer Show


Jesse Ventura becomes governor of Minnesota

Didn't take long for him to show his colors as batshit crazy, did he?

Marilyn Manson's "The Dope Show"

Didn't like this one.
Like ones like "the fight song", better.
Dope show, the rythm is droning, like something a small kid would pound out on a frying pan with a wooden spoon.
Then I want to strike that child.


Annoying Borg hairball.

The Big Lebowski

A classic.
Anything from Coen Brothers took the pain of the 90's away for a bit.

The Swing Revival

A welcome relief from the grunge puke, and the bubblegum alternative to alternative.

Mark McGwire vs. Sammy Sosa

Didn't care.


Wow, he was Frasier for 20 years continuously, can you believe it?
That's somethin.

Martha Stewart

Don't watch it.

The soccer mom


Master P's "Make 'Em Say Uhhh"

*Draws a blank*

There's Something About Mary

Eh, this got all the money and hype, but I think "Kingpin", was better.


The Blair Witch Project

Good the first time, ultimately overrated.
Aided by AICN.
That site needs closing.

Tae Bo

Not an actual martial art.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Weird how this went from ABC's biggest show, to relegated to an afterthought at like, 5 am.

LFO's "Summer Girls"



No one apologized either.

Fight Club

Or, maybe THIS redeemed the decade...

The Taco Bell chihuahua

Eh, cute I suppose.

John Rocker

Another sports-dummy saying crap.
Inspired some of the monologue for "the Krazyfool Show", that's how old that is now.

The Sixth Sense

Okay the first time.
Hasn't held up.
Nor has Shyamalan's career.

Harry Potter

It begins...

Latin music explosion, specifically Ricky Martin, Enrique Iglesias, and Marc Anthony

Weren't like, a couple of these dudes from Mennudo?
Point is, none of this is new.

The Elián González affair

Another child-damaging debacle brought to you by Janet Reno.

Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5"

I'm telling you, none of this is new, Bega had a hit in the 80's too.
"Endicott", look it up.
I remember this shit.

Office Space

Okay, for sure, THIS is the one that redeemed the 90's.
This is why I'll always dig Jennifer Anniston.

Susan Lucci wins an Emmy after nineteen consecutive nominations

Meh, good for her.

Teen pop explosion, specifically Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, and Jessica Simpson

And true hell comes to mainstream music, and never leaves.

The Atkins Diet

Rargh, pork!!!

The Matrix

Overrated hooey.
The Pretty Woman of ponderous sci-fi.
A fitting end note.

Well, that was painful.

Lotta friends tell me the 80's were miserable for them, so...the 90's was my 80's.
Where it all went to shit.
Never quite been right after this, either.

Well, there WAS the thread of good movies...
And good shows, but they all seemed to be cartoons.
Music fuckin' death.

Lotta great movies they left out, too...

Army Of Darkness.
Natural Born Killers.
Groundhog day.
Ed Wood.

So, yeah, between all that, and that the good cartoons were on, that was just enough to keep my marbles together.

Just didn't have shit on the radio is all.

That part was hellish and alienating.

But, I guess it was like that for my friends who didn't grow up in the 80's...hmm..

Whelp, there, that was 10 years that came in a row, that for some reason, no one could come up with decent fuckin' music...

Well...actually, there were some ditties I liked.
Few and far between, and they weren't all on this list.
Boy, did I miss rock though...

And those shitty movies...gads...

Just as bad as I remembered.
And I gotta do it all over again...

On to part 2..

1 comment:

Tori said...

the cool 90's was the kid 90's. seriously, if you compare what kids these days think is good and then look back like 20 years, we kind of had it going on.
kid of the 90s

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