Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I h8 the 90's (part 2)

Slightly better lineup on this one...

1990

Misery

The hits keep rolling in from Meathead.

Supermarket Sweep

Meh.

Bell Biv DeVoe's "Poison"

Crap.

Fanny packs

Geez, I used to roll my eyes at these things, now I fucking got one.
Well, until I find a better utility belt substitute....

Nelson

Meh.
Maybe rock did need to die for awhile.

2 Live Crew

Couple of the cute girls in high school thought these guys were the shit.
I thought they were hacks.
I was into real comedians, man, I couldn't fucking pretend shitty raps were good just because they had swears.
Too nerdy for my own good.
Could never play along with the dumb shit everyone was into, even to get laid.
Couldn't physically do it.
Can't compromise my standards.
It fucks me over endlessly, but I still can't do it.
So I'll be a monk...*shrug*
Least I won't have to sit through Pretty Woman, and 2 Live Crew records.

MTV Unplugged

Meh.
Couple good ones, mostly shit.

Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract"

Pablum.

Dolphin-safe tuna

Oh, yeah, the hippies would pitch a fit for fucking dolphins, but when it came to preventing the horrors of mankind that were coming, they'd've rather listened to Hole and smoke bongs.
Fuck you, gen-x.
Piece of crap.

James "Buster" Douglas' defeat of Mike Tyson

Good for him.

Days of Thunder

*Bored middle finger*

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

*Eye roll*

Dick Tracy and Madonna's "Vogue"

Two fevered bimbo egos fucking.
Big surprise.
But howcome when two stars fuck, they always make a shitty movie?

Oh, and fuck vogue.
Fuck every dopey secretary named Debbie/Kathy/Vicky who bought the tape.

Moscow gets its first McDonald's

Oh, yay, after these poor economically ruined people fuck their own sisters and/or grannies in a porno for a check, they can have a fucking happy meal to catch their tears of shame.

Cop Rock

Another viral mutation towards "Glee".
*Sad head shake*

Caller ID

Killed crank calling.
Except for Jerky Boys, Crank Yankers, etc, etc...

Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall and Kindergarten Cop

Total Recall still holds up as some nice cyberpunk.
Also, I stand by that "Twins", is Arnold's one good comedy.

1991


Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Costner's Robin Hood...Richard Gere's Lancelot...make it stop...make the hurting stop..

Planet Hollywood

So..it was like, The Hard Rock Cafe, but with movie shit, instead of rock shit?
Ate at Hard Rock Cafe, it sucked.
Therefore, by transitive property...

David Duke's political career

I shouldn't have been surprised by this.

Public Enemy and Anthrax's "Bring Tha Noize"

Doesn't ring a bell...

Lollapalooza

The Woodstock of alterna-crap, right?
Yeah, no thanks.

Jungle Fever

Spike Lee was/is a lucky hack who got good at his craft on the dime of the American public.

Soviet Union goes out of existence

The fear of them as a boogeyman never took for me.
Well, said it on my rant on GI Joe the whole jingo package never took for me period.

Anyway, I just hoped their people would be free and happy, and I thought even back then, the US should have had some kind of Marshall Plan to make sure they evolved the way we wanted...but...we just sorta left 'em to fester, then we have the nerve to act surprised about the mess they have now.
I'm never listened to.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

I was blown away by the effects then, but with enough years of hindsight, I think the first one is the superior film.

Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game"

Meh. Just this side of listenable.

The Atlanta Braves Tomahawk Chop controversy

Too stupid to care about.

Starter Jackets/Pagers

Had no interest in either.

Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Give It Away"

PPPT.
*Thumbs down*

Wilt Chamberlain's A View From Above

Oh, right, his fuck-confession book.
Who cares?
Stupid gossipy people I guess.

Extreme's "More Than Words"

My dad dug this for some reason.

Rugrats

Holy crap, did the voice actors for this ever have job security...

Cape Fear

Meh...

1992

The Crying Game

Didn't see it.
So..the big shock was the chick had a dick, right?
And the rest of the movie was some boring shit about the IRA...
Yeah, what the hell is in that that I'd want to see?
Pass.

American Gladiators

Meh.
Bill Hicks saw this as some big sign of the fall of civilization or something, but it came and went pretty quick.
They revived it for awhile, didn't seem to take.

Thighmaster

Yeah, yeah, Suzanne Sommers flexed her snoosh on TV, get over it.

House of Pain's "Jump Around"

Bleh.

Singles

Asscrap.

Studs

More asscrap.

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

Another huckster getting rich off mind-blowingly stupid people.
Oprah paraded every last one of these guys through her fetid little show.
Then as a nation, we have to pretend she's some kind of hero for some reason.
No, Richard Pryor was some kind of hero.
Literally.

Mr. Big's "To Be With You"

PPPt.

The nicotine patch

Good idea.
Hasn't saved anyone I know.

Bill Clinton says he "didn't inhale"

Didn't care.
Still don't.

Body Count's "Cop Killer"

I agree with this product or service.

Mad About You

Didn't watch, didn't care.
More boomer shit.

George H.W. Bush vomits on Japan's prime minister

Gorgeous.
International politics was never this entertaining before or since.

Larry Bird retires

Had no effect on my life.

Sinéad O'Connor rips a picture of the Pope on Saturday Night Live

Good for her.
She was right.
I knew it then.
I'm not going to hold my breath on anyone breaking their back for an apology though.

A League of Their Own

Eh...

Teen Talk Barbie

Oh, right, the one that said "math is hard"?
Well, it fucking is.
Seriously though, what did you expect Barbie to say?
She's insipid.
It's the point of her.

Euro Disneyland

Yeah, the Frenchies shit their pants over this, but The Beast won in the end, didn't it?

Northern Exposure

Pretentious limosuine liberal claptrap.
From boomer assholes.
With a touch of racism.
I mean, the only two Native American characters are essentially retarded.
Oh, how cute.
*Eyeroll*
Hideous television.

White Men Can't Jump

Didn't see it, ain't ever gonna.

1993

Cliffhanger

Pretty good thriller.
Stallone could still deliver.

Energizer Bunny

Stupid ad campaign, whaddya want?
*Shrug*

The Proclaimers' "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"

Bleh.

The Chicken Soup For The Soul series

The author of this shit looks like the guy from "Saw".
Just sayin...

The U.S. military's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy

And after 12 years of Reagan/Bush, Democrats came back, and reminded me of their disgusting spinelessness.
So, they all make me sick.

Mrs. Doubtfire

Asscrap.
Every gender-bender that isn't "Tootsie", has been asscrap.

Radiohead's "Creep"

Yeah, yeah, this was all right, but jump ahead to '97, Radiohead single-handedly saved music itself from the abyss with "Ok Computer".
Thank you, Radiohead.
Much appreciated.

Monica Seles gets stabbed

I'm actually surprised this doesn't happen MORE with how overblown sports events are.

Paintball

Ass.

Falling Down

A fun little film.
I always forget Michael Douglas made this.

Cypress Hill's "Insane in the Brain"

Meh.
Kid on a playground could've thought of it.

What's Eating Gilbert Grape

Pretty damned good.

Leprechaun

Never saw it, never will.
Good to see Warwick Davis get work, anyway.

Great Flood of 1993

Geez, there's so many fucking floods, I can't keep track...

Frank Sinatra's Duets

Meh.

Animaniacs

Cute little show.
Finally something that wasn't insulting to children.
Lotta my teenage friends were into it too.

Zima

For girls and gay guys.

True Romance

Seen this just recently.
Wow!
How in the hell did I miss this?
It would've changed everything.
Dammit...

1994

The Wonderbra

People acted like this was going to bring about world peace or something.
It's just a tit-sling, folks.

Anna Nicole Smith marries J. Howard Marshall

A bimbo, and a rich carcass, a story as old as time.
Why so shocked, America?

Tales From The Crypt

I didn't have HBO anymore, so, missed out on a lot of these until FOX got the reruns.

The Cranberries

Myeh..

The Club

Doesn't ring a bell, Wiki ain't helping me, so, fuck it.

Michael Fay's caning

Good on him.

Benedictine Monks' Chant

Meh.
Hey, y'know who did the whole "quiet music in a bookstore", thing that didn't suck?
Enya.
There, I worked her in, Alexandra, happy? ;)

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

Yeah, this is the one that had Zod as a tranny.
Oh yeah, and the guy from The Matrix.

Models, Inc.

Turd.

Warehouse clubs

The only way to shop.

Beck's "Loser"

Yep, had just graduated, and gone to work at Unum, so it's pretty much how I felt about my existence by then.

New York Rangers win the Stanley Cup

Don't care.

Blues Traveler

Eh.

Clerks

I liked this.
I don't like everything by Kevin smith, and as a person, he can rub me the wrong way sometimes, but..this was good.

Tony Little

Creepy guy...it's like he's half midget or something, what is up with this guy?

Counting Crows

Look, the music scene was mediocre, okay?
Why do I have to be punished with every shitty band?

Ricola

'Nother stupid ad campagn, get over it.

Natural Born Killers

Ahhh, finally another good movie.
They were spaced so far apart.

1995

The Usual Suspects

Meh.

Fashion Café

Ah, the models went the Hard Rock/Planet Hollywood rout, right?
Couldn't care less.

Shaggy's "Boombastic"

Cute ditty, nothing awesome.
Even the good stuff was mediocre.

NewsRadio

Fun little show.
Alas, Phil Hartman.
Far as fun little shows go, we didn't get a lot of these in the 90's.
Seinfeld was good.
I'm told Larry Sanders was great, but it was on fuckin' HBO.
There was MST3K, but I missed the entire original Joel run, cuz our shitty cable service stubbornly refused to let us have Comedy Central all through the 90's for some inexplicable reason.
Caught up on syndicated reruns, and tapes though.
...y'know, I'd forgotten what a dick move that was by our cable company...I hate their rotten stinking guts all over again.
It wasn't like they couldn't afford new channels either, they gave us new ones, they were just utter shit, like the religion channels.
"Yeah, you yokels can't handle funny, here's some Jesus shit instead".
Fuuuuck yoouu!

Species

Alien is a million times better.

Psychic Friends Network

Hideous huckster bullshit.
There'll always be one of these abominations running in our stupid culture.

Starbucks

Ditto.
They're finally getting slaughtered by Dunkin though.
Who the hell ever imagined I'd be rooting for the big chain.

Mallrats

Seen bits of it, wasn't impressed.
One of the Kevin smith's I didn't care for.

Se7en

Meh, second-string to stuff like "silence of the lambs".

Newt Gingrich vs. women in the military

Newt was just dumb, wasn't worth getting into a tizzy over.

The hemp debate

What debate? Pot still ain't legal.

Montell Jordan's "This Is How We Do It"

More mediocre crap.

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar

The other drag movie.
*Yawns*

Babydoll dresses

*Shrug*

Moviefone

Never used it.

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

Three degrees of Robert Englund goes quicker.

O.J. Simpson murder trial

Said it before, fuck O.J.

1996

Kerri Strug

The new Mary Lou Retton, I guess.
Too young for me.

The Crocodile Hunter

Kinda knew he was gonna bite the big one someday.

Romeo + Juliet

Oh, yeah, the Claire Danes one.
Hey, who knew T3 was gonna end up being a Claire Danes showcase?
Her whole career is kinda fucked up, when ya think about it.

The Caesar haircut

Jackass.
Not mullet level jackass, but up there.

Jeff Foxworthy's redneck routine

Meh.
Ron White gatling guns those other "blue collar", guys off the stage.

Busta Rhymes' "Woo Hah!! Got You All in Check"

*Eye roll*

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee's sex tape

Y'know what?
Haven't seen it.
Can't imagine people I'd like to see fuck less.

Deion "Primetime" Sanders

*Shrug*

The deaths of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G.

Yeah...it is kinda fucked up how the cops haven't hardly looked into this...

While I'm at it, Courtney Love probably killed Kurt Cobain.
So there, that's said.
Probably gonna turn up dead now.

Jenny McCarthy

If things had been a little bit different, she could have been the new Lucille Ball.
Now, she's the anti-vax show pony.
Alas.

David Crosby fathers Melissa Etheridge's kid

Good for them, get over it.

R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly"

Pee!

The Unabomber

Go out on the far-right blogosphere, and this guy is pretty garden variety.

Michael Flatley

Jackass.

7th Heaven

Feces.

Evita

Punishingly terrible.
The very idea of it....
The girlfriend of a fascist dictator from a country that proudly hid Nazis?
You suck, Argentina.
In my world, you don't get a musical.
Kiss my ass.
Oh, and then stack Madonna onto the whole sad sorry mess...blaugh.

1997

Air Force One

Saw it, didn't retain it...

Kenny G breaks the world record for longest note held

Don't care.
Fuck anything Kenny G does.

Meredith Brooks' "Bitch"

Played to death.

"Death" of Joe Camel

Ronald McDonald should have been strangled to death in front of children as well.

Con Air

Barely remember it.
There's two plane movies I didn't give a shit about.

The beginning of ratings for TV shows (e.g. "TV-MA", "TV-14", "TV-PG")

Oh man....I think they're an obtrusive waste.
Far from giving people the freedom to make more "MA", shows I think we have as much, if not MORE watered down pablum, and the handful of edgy shows, are on networks that would've taken those risks anyway.
So, we've just got more electronic garbage cluttering our screens.
Really, it's digital litter.
And people that NEED that shit for reassurance...are fucking pussies.
No fucking grown-ass adult needs a TV-G show.
And no kid above 7 worth anything doesn't want a TV-MA show.
And no parent worth a damn should keep them from it.
It's all a stupid political game.

Marcy Playground's "Sex and Candy"

Monotonous.

Latrell Sprewell chokes his coach and Marv Albert bites his girlfriend

Sports assholes.
Who cares?
You make a society where grown men become millionaires for playing children's games, this is what you get.

The death of Chris Farley

I saw it coming.
Every time he did a routine on Conan or something, he looked like he was about to have a cardiac event.
*Sad sigh*

Just Shoot Me

Lame.

Mary Kay Letourneau

She married that kid she fucked.
There's been legions of these female pedophiles since this.
Society...hasn't learned much..
There was even a South Park making fun of how when it's woman-on-boy, the attitude is "niiice!".

The WNBA

So, people with vaginas will play a sport I found agonizingly dull in high school, and get big checks for it?
Whippidy doo.

Sugar Ray's "Fly"

Played to death, but tolerable.

Starship Troopers

Fun flick.
Paul Verhoven specialized in those for awhile.

Pokémon

Bite my ass.

Barbie and Paula Jones get makeovers

Fuck 'em.

G.I. Jane

Meh.

Titanic

Fuuu-uh-uh-uh-uuuuuuck yooouuu-oo-oo-oo-ooohhh!!!!!!


1998

Godzilla

Poo-poo.

Ginger Spice leaves the Spice Girls

Aaaand they were over.

Alanis Morissette's "Thank U"

Worst thing she ever did.

Raves

Burn 'em all down.

Blade

First one wasn't bad.
This began the upward trend of Marvel properties at last.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Hated it.
It got a bit better when they got out of high school.
I never liked the actual character of Buffy though, liked Willow better.
And again, only when they got out of high school.
That last couple of seasons.
Well, except for the very last season.
There's only a very little window of Buffy I can stand.
And again, not the character herself.
Not a high recommendation, is it?

Lay's WOW chips

Fecal.
Literally.

Mad cow disease

Wheee!!!
Life gets dangerous!

Urban Legend

Well....it had Robert Englund...*shrug*

Gary Coleman punches a fan

Good for him.
We should all have this moment.

MTV's guest VJ Jesse Camp

Twerp.

Pras' "Ghetto Supastar (That Is What You Are)"

Total ripoff of Dolly Parton's "islands in the stream".
So...kiss my ass.

The Waterboy

Yeah...not one of Sandler's...better...flicks...*cough*...

Behind the Music

Geez, these got depressing.
Everyone was a loser junkie idiot with a crooked manager.

The Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up"

Was not aware of this at the time.
Don't think I would have cared.

Naomi Campbell throws a cell phone at an assistant

So?
This stupid shit needs to be rememebered a decade later?

El Niño

*Shrug*
Weather.
What am I supposed to say?

Run Lola Run

Didn't see it.
Looks overhyped.

1999

Freaks and Geeks

Never watched it.

Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines

...I thought the Chris Gaines songs weren't all that bad...*shrug*

TRL

The gaping mouth of the sewage river.

Jay-Z's "Hard Knock Life"

Lame.

Emeril Lagasse

His orange shit is good on chicken.

Red Bull

*Shrug* they don't do anything to me.
Maybe I needed more of it cuz I'm big.

Lance Armstrong

So...this guy rides bikes and lost a nut, so he's supposed to be my idol?
Fuck you.
Try again.
Gimme a real goddamned hero.
Greedy?
Fuckin' right I am.

This is what sickened me most about the 90's the mediocrity in everything.
It wasn't just shitty music, and shitty movies, hardly anyone tried hard in anything.
No one wanted to make the world better, no one wanted to be a hero, not for real.
No, everyone got all complacent, and despised excellence, that's why people suddenly hated rock stars, and that's why we got fucking grunge.
Everyone wanted the mediocre.
Cuz it was easy, and everyone wanted to take it easy.
Well, I fucking didn't.
I thought,...well, like I ranted before, that my generation would want to follow up the good things the boomers did, and be like, yippies, y'know?
Nope...pure self absorption.
Wallowing in mediocrity.
Especially in thought.
I thought some of the post-modern stuff my friends were into was maybe like...some kind of rebellious statement that was leading somewhere.
It wasn't.
They stood for nothing.
It all stood for nothing.
And then I thought...maybe there was some sophisticated philosophy behind this bullshit I just wasn't getting...
There wasn't.
It was just pure lazy apathy.
Then I really was lost.
I didn't know how to cope with a world like that.
I tried to do my stupid little jobs, but it was all so fucking pointless.

So...then a Lance Armstrong comes along, and I can see why people would want a hero of some kind...but..no, I ain't lowering my standards.

The guy rides bikes well, good for him, but he didn't save a busload of orphans, did he?

Gimme real heroes, or get out of my fucking face.

Matthew McConaughey's public nudity

Get over it.

Cruel Intentions

No intentions of seeing it.

Limp Bizkit

Utter garbage.

SpongeBob SquarePants

Cute, but it ain't no "Ren & Stimpy".

The Tom Green Show

Doofy.

Win Ben Stein's Money

Ben Stein is a horrid little man.

Being John Malkovich

Okay, this was adequately weird, and therefore good.

Varsity Blues

Sawk eet.

Well, there, my Lance Armstrong rant said it all.

Fuck the 90's.
I tried.

There was some good there, but boy, was it spread thin.
Or, maybe it just wasn't on these shitty lists.
Yeah, more likely.

I mean, look, it was all the shitty American mainstream, there was no reference to anime, or what was going on with games, and that was the shit I was totally immersed in in the late 90's.

And of course, Radiohead finally became themselves in '97.

And the internet was becoming itself.

Yeah, there was a cool 90's after all.

These lists just don't represent it.





4 comments:

Frankus said...

I will comment on 'True Romance' because I interviewed a kid today who reminded me of Christian Slater in that movie. It is one that I like. It has some great scenes in it.
Here is one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqccyUpnZwA

This is another:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqfDcrg3if0&NR=1

Frankus said...

Okay, those scenes were a bit violent.
Here is one with the romance mentioned in the title:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hYn4I5DV10&feature=related

Diacanu said...

Well, damn, that is some good stuff.

Tch...yet again, didn't have the kind of friends who'd recommend this to me back then.

Well, there were some Republicans whining about this flick, so I should have gone out to see it immediately on that alone.

Diacanu said...

Well, there, just watched the whole film.
It was a fucking revelation.
Thank you, Frank.

I'm updating this entry accordingly.

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