PLOP!

A.K.A "my OTHER radioactive spider bite moment".





So, I think I'm about 4 going on 5, it's well before "Raunchy Hulk", and my uncles handed me down their comic collections.

And, I guess they were dark little kids, cuz there was a lot of "Ghost Rider", and "Weird War", if I remember right.

And, one issue of "PLOP!".

See, DC comics did their own ripoff of "MAD", and called it "PLOP!", and it's...all right.

It's kind of a blend of MAD, and "House Of Mystery", their "Tales From The Crypt", knockoff.

It even has Cain and Abel as hosts.

Hmm, kind of reminds me of "Cracked", in the late 80's when they got all wrapped up in monsters.

Anyway, a lot of it reads as quaint and goofy now, but this was one of those forbidden mind-warping comics for a budding 5 year old.
I treasured it, and read it over and over until it crumbled.

Comics were kinda flimsy in those days...

As you can kinda guess, every cover had one of these monsters on 'em.
Kind of a precursor to Garbage Pail Kids.

Ahh, Plop!, Cracked, Crazy, those were the days.

Surprisingly, a lot of famous artists worked on this.

Alfredo Alcala (he of Raunchy Hulk, and Marvel-Freddy).

Sergio Arigones (MAD, and Groo).

And Berni Wrightson!

That in particular is a cool connection, because he illustrated a lot of "House Of Mystery", issues, especially the story that introduced Swamp Thing, then he went on to illustrate the first 7 or so issues of Swampy, essentially co-creating him, really.

He also lock-stock-and-barrel created Captain Sternn.

Who features in a segment of "Heavy Metal", the movie.

And, of course, Wrightson-era Swampy was made into a film by Wes Craven, who's very next film was "A Nightmare On Elm Street".

So, yeah, all this great weird stuff was made by this interconnected community who essentially created...the 80's.

Great years.

But yeah, this little book helped encourage my own weirdness.
Happened well before "Grandpa's Ghost Stories", actually.

When I really look at it, there was no single "radioactive spider", I was feasted on by swarms of the suckers.

I never stood a chance, *laughs*.

Oh, who am I kidding?
If I'd've had the genes for it, I would have rejected all this "icky", stuff, and been a little math wizard with a lust for accountancy.

Nope, this is what I took to like a fish to water.
This is what I am, this is my, well, for lack of a better word without supernatural connotations "destiny".

Anyway, guess what I'm really saying is a big fat "thanks!", to my uncles. :)

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Good night, Irene!

Forgive the Cheyenne Mountain, and TV dinner brownie rants.

I thought I was going to die, so I had to get those off my chest.

They needed to be blurted out in what where to be my last moments, and they were of equal importance.

Well, in hindsight, I don't take 'em back, so ner.

As for Irene, nice try, but Gloria was a scarier nemesis.

So, here's a memorial to Gloria, and 1986 in general.



Mmm, Branigan...*cartoon hearts float over head*


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The brownie in TV dinners.

I hate the bastards.


Did some douchebag write in to Tyson, Swanson, and Hungry Man to speak for everyone, and say we all loved the brownie?

Cuz, I can't escape the fucking things anymore.

Pan across the freezer section, brownie, brownie, brownie.
They all got a fucking brownie.

There was one Hungry Man I liked best, because the grub was good, and there was no fucking brownie.

Beer batter chicken, and cheesy fries.

No fuckin' brownie to be seen.

Well, they ruined it.
Now, it's beer batter chicken, corn, potatoes, and a fuckin' brownie.

They love foisting that fucking brownie on ya.

Why do I hate the brownie?
For one, it fucking sucks.

It's just this tiny little glob of fucking cake batter they squirt in there, like they're doing you a fucking favor, and it just tastes like cheap cocoa mix.

But, mostly, it's messy, and a pain in the ass.

Every third one, the factory machine over-shoots, and gets batter into the corn, and you have this frigging corn brownie thing going on, so, that's nasty.

Or else, the corn jumps the partition into the brownie.
Either way, you're getting a fucking corn brownie half the time.
You just gloomily accept it.

And you have to perform micro-surgery on the plastic wrap to accommodate this fucking "brownie".

"Remove plastic from meat, potatoes, and brownie, make slit over plastic over corn".

Fuck you.
Assholes.
Who writes this shit?
They should kill themselves.

Oh, and this is the best part, the cooking instructions.

They want you to nuke this thing for 4 minutes, REMOVE THE BROWNIE, SET IT ASIDE, and then nuke the rest of the meal for another 3 minutes.

Are you shitting me?

Yeah, remove a half-liquid steaming dough glob, put it on a paper plate, and SAVE it, like it's a precious desert my belly is just rumbling for.

It's a fucking dough glob, and anywhere you put it is gonna be a mess, and half of it is gonna stick to whatever you put it on, and have to be fork-scraped.

And it ALWAYS crumbles apart into flakes, and a blinding steam cloud, so so much for transporting it anyway.

And do they actually want you to put it BACK IN the fucking TV dinner when you're done nuking the sumbitch?

I just eat the stupid thing.

It's only 2 fork-fulls.
Seriously, 2 fork-fulls.

Oh no, now I've ruined lunch by having DESERT first!
*Eye roll*

How will my appetite recover?
You spoil me!

So yeah, you gotta stop midstream, scoop the TV dinner out of the microwave with a potholder, eat the shitty brownie, shove it back in, nuke it some more.

Pain in the ass.
It's like a speed-bump for your brain every time.
I bet it's slowly killing me.

There shouldn't come a point in simple food preparation when you're moaning "I don't want to be DOING thiiiis!", with a tinge of existential despair.
It just shouldn't be.

So, when I see that fucking brownie in the dinners in the freezer section my mind reads it as "annoyance glob!".

But like I said, you can't get away from 'em now.

Some stupid asshole told 'em it was their favorite fucking thing in LIFE, and now all the dinners are ruined with this shitty brownie.

But, I gotta eat these fucking things, they're cheap.
It's this, or get shit-breath and heartburn from Chef-Boyardee.

Life is a nightmare.
It really is.
I'm tellin' ya.

Man, the contempt that must just pour out of the sadistic son of a bitch who thought up the TV dinner brownie.
I bet you can see his aura, and it has green Halloween skulls in it.

You know what the fucking brownie is?
It's "let them eat cake", for the new millennium.

Yeah, they have a rhesus monkey squat into your TV dinner.
They want to see how much we'll fucking take.

Turns out a lot.

Christ, they actually got people to figure out how much taxes YOU owe them, do it like homework, and mail it in to them.

Well, the brownie is the last straw.
There has to be a revolution.

Oh...yeah...the new government would just be some Nazi shit after the militia nuts had their way.

And the militia nuts wouldn't even put a brownie in their TV dinner.
They'd probably bring back that shitty apple pie that's a squirt of hot apples over crumbs.
And the apples have no cinnamon and sugar.

And they'd expect you to set it aside too.

Bastids.

Well...it could always be worse, couldn't it?

Still...fucking brownie...shouldn't have to live like this..*mumble grumble*..brownie..*mumble*..fuck..*grr*


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Cheyenne Mountain

Cheyenne Mountain...there's supposed to be a big ass nuclear bunker under Cheyenne Mountain...

...practically an underground city where in case of the Global Nuclear Apocalypse, the President, his family, his lackeys, and all of their families, can ride out doomsday in health and comfort.

Ever think about that?

I do.

Nuclear wars don't come from magic pixies farting, they're caused.
By people.
Government-y people in particular.

Why, the very sort who'd go run and hide in Cheyanne Mountain.
Funny that.

So, yeah, the murderers of humanity are exactly the ones who plan on getting away it.

That's what's planned.
These assholes know they're doing such a shitty job running the planet, they're going to have to become mole people.

Now, whether it actually happens or not, do you think a mindset like that encourages them to try too hard?

Do you think a mind that thinks "eh, you little nobodies are fuckin' dead anyway", is gonna give a fuck about happens to your Social Security check?

I don't happen to think so, but maybe you're more optimistic than I.
Frankly, I want some of what you're smokin.

So, anyway, add up all those niggling little details, and it seems to me ours is a society with a gun in its mouth.

And...this is the society you're told from grade school on up you're supposed to "contribute", to.

Matter of fact, you're considered some kind of louse for not doing so.

Really? That society over there?
The one with the mushroom cloud-y death-clock-y deal going on in the big mountain-y thing we're not supposed to talk about like an elephant in the room?

That one there?

I dunno, seems like pissing into Niagra Falls to me...

But, yeah, contribute to this dumb, doomed, society.
Or, they'll yell at ya.
After awhile, they call you names.
No one likes that.
Pick a crummy job, and do it.
Doesn't matter what you pick, they're all awful.
And someone yells at ya.
And calls you names.

Until *BOOM!*

But it really means something, really.
Contribute.
Ya bum.
Shout, shout, shout.

Hey, know what's a good contribution?
Bomb making.
Or, better still, shelter builder.
Bet they got a helluva dental plan.

Sleep tight, keeds. ;)

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Best Worst Movie.

So, it's late 80's, early 90's...

...I have about 30-40 bucks in allowance burning a hole in my pocket, I'm at the Shady Dave's flea market (mentioned in my Nightmare retrospective), and they have literally a wall of tapes for 5 bucks a pop, so, I'm in hog heaven.

And, they have Troll, aaand, something I didn't even know existed, Troll 2!!

I kinda dug Troll, you got Sonny Bono turning into a seed pod, and you got singing Muppets that are only missing John Denver, so..hey, why not the sequel for 5 bucks?
Sign me up for more of that.

I get it home, pop it in....wowww....baaaad, yeah, I couldn't bury that in my file cabinet deep enough.

Comes the mid-90's and me, Hyla, & Spencer were into all these bad flicks, so, I was like "I've got one for ya...*grin*".

Ehh, I think we had a good time with it.
Maybe my MST3K lines bombed here and there, hey, they can't all be gems, at least I was trying.
Guys, if you're out there thinking "Mike was so annoying...I hate him SO!! DAMN!! MUCH!!", geez, get over it...wow.

So, yeah, I was well aware of this film, and it's painful blowfulness.

Fast-forward again to the 00's, and Youtube turned scenes from this flick into memes, particularly, the kid going "oh my GAAAWWD!!".

Rotten Tomatoes voted it the worst movie in the world, and I guess, it's the Facebook Generation's "Plan 9 From Outer Space".

Fast-forward again to now, and we've got another doc along the lines of I am Nancy, There Is No Jesse, Invaluable, The Captains, and Trek Nation.

Best Worst movie!
The story of Troll 2, its cast and creators, and the phenomenon of its re-discovery and fandom.

The Trailer.



It's really great, if you like documentaries, you'll like it, if you like horror, and the people who make it, you'll like it, if you like those Chris Guest movies, you'll love it, because this is the same thing, but frigging REAL!

Who knew 20 years later, I'd be truly ENTERTAINED by Troll 2?

Buy eeet!!

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I love the Freddys, part 3.

So, like I said last time, time for the comic books...

...and then maybe all this Freddy retrospective stuff will be out of my system.
Or, maybe not..we'll see..


The Marvel era (1989).




Pretty short lived, only 2 issues.

But, it was really promising stuff.

Marvel bailed on it from the slightest hint of a possibility of pressure from outraged parents groups.
Disgusting.
In the larger sense of our shitty puritan culture.
I don't hold a beef against Marvel.

Anyway, the interior art in these is great, finishes by Alfredo Alcala, who you may remember as one of the artists on "Raunchy Hulk".

Very prolific guy, I think he did...everything.
Well, just look at the selected bibliography in his wiki page.

Freddy, Hulk, Swamp Thing, Han Solo At Star's End...

Yeah, all my favorite characters he did, and more.
Excellent talent.
When he died in 2000, it shook me up almost as bad as Carlin.
We really lost something special.

Well, I do believe issue 2 was the first Freddy thing I ever owned for myself.
Even before the tapes.
It was the gateway drug. Heheh!

And it's great, not watered down at all, full on "R", captures the scary atmosphere of the first couple movies, while building off the mythology of 3 & 4, it's a really good job.
I cherish that book.

And #1 I got retroactively, and I think that's even better, because it has a prequel story of Freddy.

Yeah, it contradicts with the flashbacks in 5 & 6, but...I actually really dig issue #1's version better.
It leads well into the trial in "No More Mister Nice Guy", aaand...I dunno, if you try real hard, you can get it to weave around the flashbacks in 5 & 6...but, his wife and daughter in 6 are hard to work in, but you can almost sorta do it.

Well, here, you can read it at this link.

Now, I also happen to think this comic directly inspired the comic book scene in "Dream Child".
It was magazine sized, and black and white, and the "Nightmares From Hell", comic the kid gets sucked into is magazine sized, and black and white.
Then, the comic-world scene is done in black and white with technicolor splashes to correspond.

Also, the director of the film was not just a comic book junkie who really knew his stuff, but an unrealized frustrated comic artist, and he story-boarded out the film like a comic book, so not just that scene, but the whole flick is a comic book.

So, while the continuity veers off in the internal storylines, there is that connection to the films.
I think.
I can't objectively prove it, but the similarities and timeline of events are striking.

Anyway, I loved Marvel's stab at the Nightmare universe, it's a damned shame it ended so quickly.
I'll always remember it fondly.



The Innovation era (1991)




Innovation, a now defunct independent company, did a comics adaptation of "Freddy's Dead", and then, "Nightmares On Elm Street", which sought to fill the gap in between "Dream Child", and "Freddy's Dead".

Eh...mixed results on the continuity, IMHO, but the stories and characterization were fairly decent.

This one is discussed in the bonus disk of "Never Sleep Again".
I know I bring that doc up a lot, but it was REALLY thorough.

I know I would have loved these books in '91,...I guess either no one around here carried them, or, if they did, I didn't know of it.

I know the spiral racks in the drug stores never had them, and Maine has never had many comic shops, and what few it has had over the years close fairly quickly, and you practically have to chase them around like Whack-A-Mole.

These only really contradict continuity wise with "Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash: Nightmare Warriors", and...I personally think Innovation wins there in the quality department.
"Nightmare Warriors", is a really sloppy rushed fan-fic-y cash grab.
But, I'll bitch about that later.

The art quality drops off in issue 3...the first 2 issues have beautiful painted art by Tony Harris, and then it switches to Patrick Rolo, and...meh..
Well, it gets the job done...but, y'kinda wish Tony Harris made it all the way through.
Oh, well.

A neat thing Andy Mangels does is to bring back the spirit of Nancy as the anti-Freddy of the dream world.
Course, he has to dispose of her by having her "pass on to the next life", so as not to bump into the events of "Freddy's Dead".
Well, I just figure, she time-warp-reincarnated into Heather Langenkamp in part 7.
Heh heh.

Neat little books, nifty bit of Nightmare lore, sorry I missed 'em the first time.



The Avatar era (2005)








Ohhh wowwww, Juan Hose Ryp's style is so detailed, and real, and his women are so hoooot.

Daaamn, I always made fun of guys who lusted after cartoons, but daa-ha-hamn.

Oh, boy...so, anyway, Avatar is a teenie little indie, but they're still ticking.
Their big banner character is Lady Death.

And, the writer of Lady Death did this series.

I've heard some bashing, but I think it's a good job, I like 'em.

Came out two years after "Freddy vs. Jason", and it picks up fairly well from those events.

The coma kids in Weston Hills pop up, the whole conspiracy of silence theme amongst the Springwood parents is continued, and built upon.

And the whole look and feel is nailed.
Fashion and tech wise, I think this is what Nightmare movies would have looked like if they'd kept coming out after FvsJ.

Only the "Fearbook", one-shot seemed a bit weak, but the rest I really dug.

It's a bitch, all of these Nightmare books have such limited runs...


The Wildstorm era (2006-2009)




Okay, so we start with the Nightmare ongoing series, which only made it 8 issues..

Not bad, not quite as good as the Avatar Freddies IMHO, but some good stuff.

As far as continuity, if I threw the issues in a stack, you'd be hard pressed to notice that the Avatar run had ended.
It picks right up in that post-FvsJ world.

Nothing really ground-shaking added to the mythos, the good guys play with Freddy's mechanics a little, but, on Freddy's side, it's just him doing more shtick, and being Freddy.

The Avatar's had a whole auditorium of kids witness him pulled into the real world, and all telling him they're not afraid.
That's a bit more epic.
Something worthy of a film.

Nothing like that here, but the dreams get a bit fancier.
War scenes, aerial bombings, Mayan/Incan temples, dinosaurs, etc, etc.
Y'know, stuff the movies would never have the budget for.

So, this series is nifty, just in a different way than the Avatars.

A welcome addition if you're craving Freddy.

Now, on to..


Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash.




I loved it when it came out.
As it gets older, I wonder if it was necessary, and whether to include it in my personal canon...

For now, I will...

This one was also mentioned in "Never Sleep Again".

Wildstorm, Innovation, and then Marvel was swept under the rug, and Avatar was ignored.

Or...maybe they just opted out of being interviewed...

The Lady Death dudes are pretty famous, and busy, I guess...

Jim Shooter probably would have been the go-to guy for Marvel...but, where the run was so short, maybe there wasn't much to tell?
I dunno...

Aaanyway, this was almost the sequel movie to "Freddy vs. Jason", but it only made it as far as the script treatment, and the comic is based off that treatment, so this is more or less the movie we would have gotten, and the fanboy in me thinks it would've been fucking great.

Buut, in hindsight, it probably would've been going to the well once too often, and "Freddy vs. Jason", was a big enough bang to go out on.

And poor Robert has been tortured in that makeup chair enough.
25 years was a good run, let's let him play straight roles now, eh, kiddies?

Yeah, I'm happy with it being a comic.

It looks great, they nailed the look of "Freddy vs. Jason", it looks like it picks right up.
It feels like you're watching a movie.

The dialogue..eh *wavey hand* if it was punched up on set by Bruce and Robert, it would have been better, I'm sure.

Can you imagine those two ham-bones throwing barbs at each other?

Well..if Bruce ever gets "Bruce vs. Frankenstein", off the ground, we might not have to imagine...

And then finally, *sigh* we come to...


Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash: The Nightmare Warriors




Don't read it, don't buy it.

You will be disappointed.

Done by the same guys who did the first FvsJvsA....
...I don't know what happened..
Too much cold medicine?
They got attacked by Super Freddy in their dreams, and they became insomniacs?

I dunno what happened here.
I'm at a loss.

Well, the story...is a mess.
They admitted from the beginning, they needed it to be 12 issues long, and they only got 6...but..dammit, kill your darlings, and cut some shit, don't cram it all in.
Boy, do they ever cram a lot of shit into this.
Total kitchen sink writing.
And they cram so much shit in, and expect you to think it's "kewl", that any bit of soul is sucked out.
You don't get to know or like anybody, it's just rush, rush, rush, to the next fight, or the next death, or the next cameo, it's uh...yeah, it's not good.

And, as mentioned earlier, it contradicts wildly with Innovation's take on events.

Well, I'll spoil it, in the Innovation story, Dr. Gordon from "Dream Warriors", swapped souls with Dan from "Dream Child", so Dan could be back to life to help raise Jacob from "Dream Child".

In "Nightmare Warriors", Dr. Gordon is just plain back with his own soul with no explanation, and Alice and Jacob are back, and they make no reference to it, so, the Innovation books are just ignored.

Well,...ppt, screw you, the Innovations were better, so ner!

BUT...if you really need a fanboy theory as to how these disparate timelines can exist..how about this?
The mirror shattering in the hallway in "Dream Warriors", made splinter-Freddys in splinter-timelines, and this splintering accounts for Marvel Freddy, Innovation Freddy, Platinum Dunes Freddy, Mortal Kombat Freddy, any Freddy you need.

So, that makes Joey's scream the Superboy Punch of the Freddyverse.

But really..."Nightmare Warriors", just blows...

Aaanyhoo, Wildstorm had the longest run with the Nightmare license..but, don't look for any more, DC is folding the Wildstorm line.

It'll be another decade, or probably never for more Freddy books.

Tch, it's a shame...it really is all over.
*Sigh*

Well, at least there's all these memories.

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I love the Freddys, part 2.5

I wanted to describe these in the last one, but instead, here they all are!

The Freddy hosting segments!
(And some other scenes)

Part 1.

Part 2.

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