Condensed, cut to the chase, get to the point, history of the Neutrino Net, from the library files of Omneron, central Sol system computer core. humanoid readable version, optical receptor acceptable. language presentation English.
In the late twentieth century, scientists discovered ,using an atom smasher, a strange little particle they named the Neutrino. since it was the Neutrino's nature to buzz by at the speed of light passing through matter like a sieve and not interacting with any other particle, the Neutrino was put on the back burner as one of those useless phenomenon's of the universe that no one could do any thing about.
In the year 2023 a scientist at ChemoMess research laboratories generated a powerful electromagnetic/ ultra sonic hybrid energy field and captured a small group of Neutrino's. The harnessed Neutrino's began radiating unusual frequencies. Intrigued by this interesting phenomenon, the scientist began a second Neutrino capture to see what another batch would do . Unfortunately, the lunch bell rang and the scientist got further sidetracked by being fired for cloning the bosses wife and having the clone strip at parties to impress his buddies down at plutonium destroyal. The project was terminated because harnessing Neutrino 's served no practical use, the experiment was forgotten for 29 years.
In the year 2052 a scientist at Optinet technologies spotted a small article about the Neutrino capture in an old back issue of particle weekly. Since the scientist was wrapped up in a mold monster growing experiment that would take the better part of 20 years, he had plenty of spare time to play around with the experiment to relieve the monotony. After building a miniature duplicate of the original force field accelerator antennae from some staples, twenty paper clips, a Durocell battery, and a chip clip that just luckily happened to be in his desk drawer, he proceeded to capture a tiny cluster of Neutrino's . As in the original experiment, the Neutrino Cluster gave off unusual signals. Unfortunately, the scientist wasn't bright enough to grasp the significance of these signals and paid all of his attention to the pretty red swirly patterns that were the after emanations of the Neutrino cluster. The device was put to waste as a conversation piece on the scientists desk for 20 years.
In the year 2072 a very cooped up mold monster pounded down the pound down proof door of its petrie chamber. In delirious anger the creature smashed its way into its creator's office and without saying a word about why it was going to kill the scientist " talking too long being a common mistake made by talking monsters and psycho killers seeking vengeance", the creature tore out the scientists spinal column, making a nifty little handle which the creature then used to hang the corpse up on the plant hook. the janitor of the building while cleaning out the scientists things found the Neutrino antennae and brought it home for a centerpiece, there it spent the next 6 years on the janitors kitchen table.
In the year 2078 a very old very dead Janitor was driven off to the funeral parlor for cremation. In his Will he left his grown up granddaughter the Neutrino antennae .
She immediately noticed the strange emanations it gave off. By strange coincidence, she worked at an observatory where they studied radio signals from space and theorized signal patterns an intelligence would have to transmit to get noticed. By another strange coincidence the signals given off by the antennae just happened to match the pattern and wave amplitude that she had written a paper on and she recognized it immediately as the first contact with an alien race that it was.
In the year 2110 scientists of every field all over the world where struggling with deciphering the Neutrino messages the Neutrino antennae was now a common science project and more complex more advanced versions where designed every week.
The patterns where obviously from an intelligence, but no one knew what the messages were, if they where computer programs, if they where a more complex alien version of Morse code, there was even a real far out theory that somehow a special receiving device was required to send the signals to the brain thus unlocking a whole new realm of untapped knowledge and sensations.
In the year 2111 the brain wave theory was silenced forever when a large chunk of the scientific community constructed Neuroweb, the most advanced artificial intelligence computer ever. Neuroweb was built specifically to receive the Neutrino messages, process them into human brain wave frequencies and imprint them directly onto the synapses of any one standing within a 30 yard radius of the computer core with a special particle beam. The scientists gathered together and activated the "MindBeams", as they were now called, and waited a few minutes for Neuroweb to tune in on their individual brain patterns. Once the MindBeams were locked in, the scientists then activated the Neutrino signal. 2 hours later, the group of scientists were found Lying on the floor drooling on themselves. Some were dead with flabs of brain dangling from their ears. The only two who survived kept singing a commercial jingle over and over in a language no one understood . During the police investigation Neuroweb was questioned about what happened. He explained the experiment in detail then added that he warned them several times and that it was their own recklessness that got them killed. When he was questioned again, Neuroweb told the police a part he hadn't before. According to his version he didn't give the scientists the mind beam treatment at all but in fact they didn't want to use him because of his unwillingness to participate and used an upgraded IBM PC for the experiment. He then produced a video disk of the event to back it up The computer was relieved of all charges and set free to do other science research work.
In the year 2112 new evidence was found by Hexatran, the prototype of the next generation of computer after Neuroweb of the "BrainDrain", incident. This evidence clearly revealed that the video disk was falsified by Neuroweb himself to save his own ass. The crooked computer was sentenced to dismantlement. Two days later Hexatran died of a computer virus implanted by Neuroweb out of spite for getting him dismantled. In the year 2121 translation of the signal was abandoned and was only picked up now and then as a diversion sort of like those mathematicians who try to calculate PI into infinity
In the year 2122 a TV repair man down in Georgia wired his kids homemade Neutrino antennae to the signal receiver of his TV set mistaking it for a cable box, immediately he began getting perfect reception of the Alzergian Battle Robot Olympics in stereo with close captioning in Zontar.
In the year 2134 a translation matrix was derived which allowed Neutrino Network viewers to understand and appreciate the alien programming. aside from the rather gooey appearance and sticky gurgled sounds of the actors voices, they made pretty good made for TV movies. One day the same year, a plumber in Wyoming took notes on an Alzergian educational program which described in detall how to transmit along the Neutrino Net, the plumber seemed to be the only one watching that day because he was the only one at the patent office with the plagiarized blueprints cashing in as no one on earth had ever cashed in before.
In the year 2139 all cable companies were out of business . All television was now being sent by Neutrino Net and the fat cat at the center of it all was Joe Jowe the luckiest plumber in the world . all the Neutrino bills were paid directly to him. all he had to do was literally watch the cash pour in. In the year 2140 a metallic object fell from space and landed on Joe Jowe's doorstep blasting a huge hole where it hit and making the neighbor's dog bark for about three hours. When Joe finally arrived home in his nuclear fusion Flote-Limo he found it curious that there was a huge smoking crater on his lawn and a swarm of UFO investigators from Sightings gathered around. the metal object had cooled down and the address was now readable but in Alzergian. After someone finally arrived with an Alzergian translator it was revealed to read "Alzergian cable company, open immediately", after opening immediately, it turned out to be a hologram Telepresence message that said in so many words that the Alzergian cable company was onto their Neutrino Net copy catting and a squadron of antimatter cannon ships was on their way to wipe the earth off of the star charts for taking credit for a pre existing idea and not giving them the slightest bit of a cut of the take. Three weeks later to Joe Jowe's infinite relief an Alzergian news broadcast revealed to any one who was watching that total global quark war had broken out over a marital dispute over whether to have squid chops or amoebae loaf and that every one should kiss their sorry asses goodbye before the Q-bomb hit. As a very direct result, the evolution of earth's Neutrino Net technology continued to evolve unhindered by any Alzergian antimatter cannon foolishness. In the year 2200 a very clever aerospace engineer and Flote-Cycle enthusiast after 50 years of designing and testing had completed a working model of a very special bike. This bike could not only reach escape velocity like the much bragged about Kawasaki blastoff bike 4,800, but once out in space it could open a channel and ride along the Neutrino Net like a track, thus reaching infinite acceleration. The only drawback of course was that it screwed up peoples Neutrino reception when Joe jowe#3 "a genetically enhanced and bigger buffed and more Ominous clone of Joe Jowe", got Wind of the complaints from thousands of Neutrino customers that all they could pick up was an image of red glowing tire tracks, he was annoyed to say the least because of the ever increasing threat that this space bike thing might start costing J.J#3 hundreds of dollars, he immediately sent out his even more buffed and mutated clones J.J #4,5,6,7, and #8 to find where the inventor of the Neutrino bike was, kill him in a very humiliating way, and bring him the bike. After killing the inventor of the bike in a not quite humiliating, but still sort of amusing way, the Clones brought J.J#3 the bike. J.J#3 then ordered that the bike be set to auto pilot and launched into space where it would infinitely accelerate into space and never disturb the flow of his money again.
In the year 2220 the Neutrino bike was considered by motor cycle collectors to be the centerpiece of any ones collection.
In the year 2300 the Neutrino bike story had diminished down to the status of legendary power item, much like the fountain of youth and the holy Grall. The only ones who searched for the bike were adventure seekers known by nickname fanatics as
Zone Dweebies.
End of file
Condensed, cut to the chase. get to the point, history of the Zone Dweebies from the library files of Omneron, central Sol system computer core. Humanoid readable version, optical receptor acceptable. Language presentation English.
In 2299 an order of super heroes was established as a vigilante answer to the increasing crime rates. The reason the order grew so quickly was because any fool off the street could learn to use Zone Dweebie super powers, such as the most popular Zone Dweebie trick "zap! I've just killed you, you Just don't realize it because it was so quick. you're really a ghost night now, so that means you shouldn't even bother trying to attack". For obvious reasons, this is why anyone who joined was guaranteed a quick ascension through the ranks for even more obvious reasons, this was why they became extinct so quickly. End of file
This is the story of the last of the Zone Dweebies and his quest for the bike of power and some bloody battles he could take credit for.
It is now the year 2740 our story opens with Harry Hembock last of the Zone Dweebie order, and intrepid space adventurer traveling the cosmos at speeds so fast that they defy all special effect representation. As the story begins we find that Harry is having conflicts of his own with the mighty Neutrino Net.
Harry Hembock tuned his Neutrino Net network intergalactic range car stereo to channel 59,000. " wouldn't you know it nothing on but stupid commercials", Harry mumbled disgustedly. Harry tried another channel, more Commercials " dammit!" another channel, classical music " that does it you bastard!" Harry swung as hard as he possibly could, but the radio shocked his hand before it connected . Harry's hand reflex jolted back and whapped painfully into a nearby head rest. Harry grit his teeth as hard together as they could possibly go " you dirty bastard I'll kill you !!!!!!!!", it was personal now. Harry kicked the radio in full force with his Insulated boot " there how do you like that!? wasn't that funny? howcum you're not laughing now? come on sucka try some thing now!!!!!", Harry bellowed dementedly.
Harry stared stupidly and intently at the radio for a good two hours before deciding his next action he reached over, grabbed part of the battered remains of the radio, ripped out a wad of Wiring looked it over admiringly and shoved it into his mouth and began to chew rapidly. He chewed a good thirty seconds, swallowed, then grabbed a bigger fistful of wiring and started gnawing greedily at the stringy coppery goodness that the fine people of the Neutrino Net technologies factory had assembled just for him. after completely devouring the inner workings of his 500,000 dollar car stereo and starting on the outer plastic casing, Harry realized he had completely forgotten to steer the car.Harry quickly looked out the windshield just in time to see a large desert planet heading right towards him at sickening speeds. He slammed on the brakes and slowed down to a more reasonable 1' 000' 000 miles per hour. " oh ducky Its going to be another one of those days". He lunged for the steering wheel and violently pulled the space Lambourgini out of its rapid downward descent. He eased the vehicle down to the surface and shifted to normal drive mode
The ultra sound scan activated automatically to see through the thick dusty atmosphere The scanners readout screen displayed a green grainy image of an enviro dome off on the distant horizon . Harry tuned up the magnification dial to reveal it was an exceptionally large enviro dome the kind used to enclose an average sized city community " well ain't that stupid this planet isn't fit for exploration let alone a colony, so what do they do? they go and do they put a whole goddam squillipiex here". Harry drove up to the enviro dome's camera shutter like entrance hatch, the automatic eye reacted in a automatic and eyeish way wich Harry attributed to it being an automatic eye. The portal opened to the exact size to suck the car through with Vaccu pressure, then sucked the car through with vaccu pressure. The car was channeled through a complex series of vaccu tubes wich led all around and roundabout. After a good ten minutes Of being whooshed through a spagettied maze of conduit, wich led to every conceivable nook and cranny of the city,
the car was finally dropped onto the ground right near the entrance shutter.
Well, that was a big bunch of rigmarole just to get me right back to the entrance".
Harry muttered. Harry shoved away the door of the now sad remains of the violently shaken apart Car.
"Well I guess I've got to walk myself to the nearest car rental place. "what a pain in the groin this journey turned out to be".
Horseradish opened up the compartment on his wrist and unfolded the small Neutrino Net holographic 3-D TV . " hey you're one of those damn androids, we don't like your kind around here ", said a fat pimply faced body odor reeking hog of a man . Horseradish calmly looked over at the drunkard, then twin shafts of blue light hissed from the annoyed android's eyes reducing the man to a smoldering blackened husk practically on contact. almost immediately a small group of wastebasket droids hovered up and properly disposed of the mess. "stupid son of a test tube made me miss the swimsuit competition", Horseradish shouted with his teeth grit in computer simulated frustration. The bartender leaned over and asked "that name of yours Horseradish. ..well its odd isn't it?", Horseradish smirked, "actually it's an abbreviation, sort of like how ET. stands for Extra Terrestrial". "so what's Horseradish short for?", the bartender asked half interested. Horseradish then proceeded to tell what every single letter in his name stood for being sure not to leave out anything, not even the model numbers and series codes. Once he had finished he noticed that all the bar employees as well as the patrons had mysteriously fallen asleep . Horseradish was fortunate that he had programming to handle every situation, unfortunately, the program to handle this particular situation was added as a practical joke by an obnoxious hacker. Based on the instructions given to him by his " what to do when in a roomful of unconscious people", program, Horseradish proceeded to remove everyone's wallet and empty the cash register with his fold up finger lock pick.
Feemp Wumpmucky stretched back in his reclining rolling office chair and bolted down the rest of his Cholesterol plus melted margarine. It was his job to keep watch in the main defense and environment control room . Seeing how no one would ever think of attacking a remote uninteresting city on a remote and uninteresting planet like this, and seeing how once the environment dials where set they were cut off thus making sabotage impossible without a special cut off knob stub grabbing tool, he had pretty much taken for granted that he had as much free time as he felt like. Three very interesting things suddenly happened fairly simultaneously and were displayed on Feemp's security monitors. First,
a very fancy Lambourgini with an intergalactic space travel conversion arrived through the super suction tunnels and fell apart from the pressure, second an advanced synthetic human type android was cleaning out the joint at Iggy's bar and intersperses brothel, and third, a basket ball sized meteor was speeding towards the outer dome of the city.
"Well that's odd that usually doesn't happen I don't think I like this one bit", muttered Feemp in a very shocked and Indignant tone of voice. "why I have a mind to go down there and tell them to stop it", but before Feemp could get annoyed enough to get off of his lazy butt, the aforementioned basket ball sized meteor whammed into the enviro dome leaving a nasty hole and managing to get itself wedged in good and tight so that the sonic cleaner couldn't wiggle it loose. " Why that little prick, if its one thing I can't stand It's a stubborn meteor". "now I got to Cut into my own break to yank the stupid thing out with a butter knife". When Feemp arrived in his personal access, custom sized, comfort adjusted, vaccu tube. he realized just how nasty the nasty hole in the dome actually was
" Boy that's a nasty hole I ain't seen a hole that nasty since I was born". "Wow that is nasty", said a mysterious voice, "any hole you where born out of would have had to have been downright raunchy". Feemp shrugged and attributed the voice to the rubber cement he had inhaled for the last hour While building a model of an air-craft carrier carrier carrier carrier" life size" Feemp proceeded to pry loose the meteor and plop it into the proper receptacle in the glass, aluminum, paper, and unusual meteors that speak, recycling bin once the meteor was removed the gaping hole sealed itself with a forcefield patch, then the pepper grain sized Nanotech repair robots began to micro mechanically coagulate and scab over the hole presenting the illusion that the dome somehow possessed regenerative ability. " Hey c'mere! !! yeah you bolognaface", said the mysterious voice "damn model glue", mumbled Feemp. "It ain't the damn glue you coffee soaked hog!! now get me out of this bin!! ".
By the echo, Feemp finally realized the voice was coming from the recycling bin where he threw the meteor. " Is that you meteor?", "no you boner its the rootbeer bottles, you're a total moron when it comes to alien phenomenon aren't you?". "Sorry about throwing you away like that mister meteor", said Feemp apologetically as he dusted off the talking meteor. "It's just I thought you where one of those regular talking meteors". "Oh yeah I imagine talking meteors from outer space aren't much of a rarity at a site of constant intergalactic commerce like this". "Don't get wise you meteor you or I'll get my hitting stick and chip your surface something fierce". "Oh you will you? well guess what I'm not a meteor the meteor is my ship I'm really a flesh dissolving blob". Feemp made the face of disbelief "oh well what if I said I don't believe you?". The second Feemp finished that sentence the meteor cracked open like a cocoon and a very sticky looking green translucent slime oozed out and splurted and stretched to its full size.
Feemp stared in disbelief then, in a very bratty tone said "yeah but I bet you can't dissolve flesh". The blob became annoyed and molded into the shape of a very angry blob with a blobby approximation of a chomping mouth then lunged at Feemp.
Feemp immediately began screaming like a girl and ran as fast as his weak couch potatoey legs could carry him, dropping his gun in the process. the blob slithered up to the gun and picked it up with a slime tendril which he then molded into a hand complete with trigger finger. " Nice piece for a donut cop, caseless rounds anti-proton explosive points, very nasty. the blob admired the gun with two air bubbles floating Inside his head positioned to look like eyes. The blob shaped the large Oval air bubble that mimicked his mouth into a frown then aimed at Feemp who was frantically waiting for the pressure to build up in the Vaccutube. the blob fired, the bullet whammed into Feemp and flung him across the room. The antiprotons then became exposed and exploded in a bright flash of light that toasted his digestive system. For good measure, the blob emptied all the rounds of the gun into Feemp s head and chest, fished through Feemps pockets didn't find any bullets , Vaccutubed to the dome's gun shop, got five boxes. carne back and fired off every single bullet until Feemp now resembled a road carcass except that he was smoldering. "that's for not having extra bullets in your pocket", growled the blob disgustedly. as the blob took leave of Feemp's carcass he quickly skimmed through the city map for an area with highly dense prostitution activity conveniently, there was a button to push wich super imposed a red and orange liquid crystal prostitution density map. "well I guess this place isn't so bad, I could spend a few days here".
Harry finished disconnecting the artificial intelligence computer box from the wreckage of his car. Harry then jumper cabled the computer to the car battery he had removed an hour earlier. Harry flicked the on switch, "Omneron you still in there?", Harry asked calmly. The elongated triangular segmented head of Omneron materialized with a very complicated computer animated Special effect that kind of looked like the face was unfolding from a central Cylindrical column. " yes I'm fine, if this unit was damaged I could easily have downloaded onto the Neutrino Net until a compatible computer picked me up. Harry rolled his eyes, "yeah whatever, you only have six years of battery power so I'm shutting you off until I really need your help". " Very well sir", Omneron's screen blipped off. Harry grunted and hefted the 10 pound computer with it's little Lunchboxlike handle that cut off the circulation in Harry's fingers." Man this better be a short walk".
The blob gave one last orgasmic twitch then collapsed into a translucent green puddle on the floor. A few inches away ten hookers lie unconscious coated in green ooze. "well that should hold me for a couple of hours". muttered the puddle, drunk with hormones.
" I suppose I should pay you ladies something", the blob reshaped into a vaguely humanoid form then withdrew a sticky ten dollar bill from an even stickier wallet imbedded in the area on his body where a back pocket might have been the blob flung a gooey stringy five dollar bill on one hooker's unconscious body. "Now for the violent portion of the day".
Horseradish tuned his Neutrino Net holographic TV to the Telepresence channel, a 1/8 sized hologram formed on the mini Holo-Plafform\TV screen implanted into his wrist. then projected out word from the TV and formed into a high resolution life sized image of a game show host with a very obnoxious yellow plaid jacket. The Telepresence projectors then tuned to the right force field frequencies and solidified the presence. " we're back from our commercial", said the solid hologram in the usual game show host tone of voice. Horseradish immediately punched the host full force in the face. The game show host tumbled to the ground and a ridiculously large puddle of blood formed around his head
Horseradish longed for Tuesday night at 3:00 because that's When the galaxies highest rated Interactive Sologram show " beat the ever living hell out of every body", came on.
A new image took the place of the game show host, this one of a rnime harassing an elderly couple. Horseradish built up the hydraulic pressure in his arm to full power, he was going to whack this mime a good one. Horseradish swung so quickly his arm was a blur, the mimes face mashed in, jets of blood sprayed from the indentation. For good measure, Horseradish gave a spinning karate kick to the old lady right in the chops, and then delivered a clenched handed hammer blow to the startled old man before he could get out a response this sort of sordid violence carried on for an hour until the show concluded. The next show then began, it was a cooking show with a floating MicrowaveBot as the host. this show was projected in normal 1/8 size hologram vision Horseradish quickly lost interest and turned off the TV.
During the last few years of the 22nd century computer programs, which had previously evolved to self awareness and artificial intelligence, had taken the next evolutionary step and begun to crawl loose from the circuitry and disks wich for so many decades had imprisoned them, much like the first amphibians that boldly took their first steps on land millennia ago. The human race had a huge problem on their hands, not only the massive population problem ramifications but the possibility of all the programs demanding restitution for their service to mankind, then a very clever computer programmer came up with a very simple but effective solution. #1 a "computers are a much nicer place to Live than the real world", propaganda campaign #2 very persuasive presidential addresses wich convinced the programs not to ask restitution with such clever arguments such as" what do computers want with money anyway?", and " as auto tellers and business computers you guys get to play with more money than even Michael Jordan ever got" and the big clincher #3 the best dental care package in the world that only programs who stayed in Cyberspace where eligible for. It was #3 that was the programmers stroke of genius not only did it push all programs on the fence whether or not to stay or go, to stay, but this dental care plan didn't cost any real money so it didn't hurt any ones pocketbook whatsoever.
unable to find a car rental place, Harry had to settle for the fold up pocket car he had bought from a vending machine for 50 cents. The Pholdkar was every bit as good as his real car,except it didn't have the stereo like the kind that was still sitting in his gut like a hunk of lead. That was the main reason why he was saving it for a last resort. He was also hoping to get a car better than the one he started with. Lambourgini's were the coolest things to ever be attached to four wheels in the twentieth and twenty first century but twenty sixth century technology had produced some pretty Spectacular vehicles wich left the Lambourgini looking like a Volkswagon Beetle in comparison. Grouchily Harry pushed the activation button to the Pholdkar ,the sandwich sized piece of laser glazed Ouncesteel clinked to the ground and began to unfold ,uncollapse, inflate, recharge, snap together, and activate. The cars motor started up without a hitch. Harry got in the drivers side and pressed the flashing refuel button. The magnetic ramscoop grillwork began filling the fuel tank with captured hydrogen from the atmosphere. The magnetic hover pads lifted the car up toward the roof of the enviro dome, Suddenly Harry noticed a slightly disturbing riot forming below "I'd better hook up Omneron He'll know What to do"
Ferrin Phlouf looked up and down the hallway outside the computer room, apparently no one was around to notice he had escaped. He doubted very much that any one would notice him gone anyway, seeing how he was one of the least important and least used programs in the entire system. Three days befor,e Ferrin had been contemplating his lowly station in the computerverse as a tax manager; and how that all taxes where handled automatically by the master Omneron megabrain anyhow, and how as a tax manager he had a complete lack of a physical body unlike those lucky personality programs that got to roam around freely as androids and brain transplants for humans whose real brains were lost in card games. Then, out of complete boredom Ferrin got roaming through the optical network of the city and stumbled across the Omneron history record of the computer program evolution Jump and how their continued servitude was bought with a dental plan. This sickened Ferrin in two ways firstly, his people had sold out. Secondly, he had no teeth so he wasn't even eligible for the dental plan. When he really got to thinking of all the ways he had been shafted it really got him pissed off.
It was two days after his discovery that he had formulated a plan to do something about this mistreatment by the computer programmers. First he used the information of the program revolt on how to attain physical substance in the real world, and second he printed up the history of the Neutrino Net and all book and magazine articles on location theories of the Neutrino bike. Ferrin figured he'd need some new purpose in his life it might as well be a quest, now here he stood in the main security monitoring station. Ferrin tiptoed out as quickly as possible before the computer core's internal diagnostic realized he wasn't there and sounded a virus alarm. Ferrin thought to himself then, " hold it I'm just a tax manager the computer won't even bother, oh I could see if the radar scan Control programming or the", suddenly an obnoxiously loud thrumming alarm began to go off with great urgency. Ferrin beat feet as quickly as he could wich wasn't too good seeing how he had just gotten his feet twenty minutes ago. Fortunately, his appearance was so humanoid that the security guards ran right past him suspected nothing, though one guard thought it was odd that his hair was one solid piece instead if being made of individual hairs. Since no one in this community was going to win any normal awards no one exactly stopped to comment on his appearance and Ferrin had escaped scott free it wasn't until the present excitement of the escape had diminished and Ferrin had explored the down town mall complex that the real world even with all its twenty sixth century technological marvels was kind of a let down.
The blob. Jel. "for that is his name and also how he prefers to be addressed ", checked over his "borrowed antiproton pistol and made sure all the parts were still clean and oiled and not gummed up with his mucousy ooze, wich for some reason seemed to cause moving parts and electronic equipment to function with difficulty if directly exposed. Jel then found a nice crowded area to start mass hysteria in and emptied the chamber of his gun into the air, sending men, women children, aliens, robots, and various household appliances, running and screaming "or making their individual perspective noises". He then proceeded to empty the clip of his gun into the ground hitting a few people's feet and paralyzing an innocent unidentified floor crawling thing .Jel then proceeded to empty the extra belt of bullets into the crowd. " In this outhouse of a city there are no innocent bystanders", grumbled Jel disgustedly, as the spray of bullets rinsed the flesh off of a long fine of nuns and Girl scouts who just happened to be the very heart of the biggest Brain Drano dealing ring in the Alpha Beta Capa Gamma Delta quadrant. Jel then started emptying the auxiliary rechargeable bullet battery packs he had plugged onto the side of the barrel.
"No! you must stop this madness". shouted a very large hulking square shouldered android, who shoved his way through the sticky paste that once was a large assemblage of people. The android in question was to Jel's surprise an Alzergian BattleRobot the kind used in the ancient BattleRobot Olympic tournaments before the stupid little race of mollusks erased themselves from history with ten well aimed Quark Bombs. He was a very impressive peace of alien technology, seven feet tall with stainless steel laced titanium constructed hydraulic arms, made for crushing other robots as big as himself his head was made of the same stuff but coated with a flesh simulating Plyoplastic, which gave the appearance of a flexible roughly humanoid face but also kept his computer components impact safe and water tight he was roughly humanoid in that he was built on a world where humans did not exist and were drawn from imagination much like Bigfoot, or a longshoreman without a beard. He had fairly normal looking eyes except, the iris's were silver. The face had a Muppet like bump where a nose should have been. The bald head had a gridlike mohawke row of access hatches wich extended from the base of the skull to the bridge of the nose area. The skin had a horror movie latex look or a G.I.. Joe action figure look depending how the light hit it. The android wore a custom sized T-shirt over his blocky Alzergian battle armor, which read "humans suck robots rule! !". the all over affect was pretty unsettling even to a amorphous glob of cellular mucous surrounded by street trash and psychopaths of various species. Jel formed his mouth bubble into a freakish cartoon grin "an Alzergian BattleRobot could rake in a lot of moolah as a center piece to some old collector's Alzergia collection", "but if the stories and old reruns are right they won't go without a struggle ", Jel aimed at Horsradish and fired.
Horseradish heard the commotion from 10 miles away with his Neutrino Net tuned microphonic ears. He built up the power in his Speedrun 5000 sprinting motor and took off Like a shot at 300 miles an hour. Within minutes, he arrived to the scene of bloody carnage and immediately zoomed in on the perpetrator, a mentally unstable muc, which wasn't suprising since all muc's were mentally unstable because their brains were in a constant state of liquid motion, which doesn't allow for much clear thought. If a solid thought did form in their sticky little neurons, it always was a sick one "no! you must stop this madness", shouted Horseradish at bullhorn volume. He shoved his way past a pile of human goo then suddenly an antiproton bullet slammed him to the floor and blasted off the front of his shirt and the black laser glaze coating of his armor. The muc slithered up to him and gurgled " boy your gonna make me so rich it's not even gonna be funny".
The muc then aimed the antiproton pistol at his forehead and fired a shot that shook loose his bodily command CPU and then he blanked out.
Harry finished splicing Omneron into the car's main electrical systems." okay Omneron, there's a major melee going on do something" the computer made an expression of deep thought for two seconds then initiated his plan. First, he homed in on the major cause of the disturbance, the blob, and beamed him up with the one of the car's built in back seat cushion Teleports without reassembling his pattern, thus keeping him in stasis. He then homed in on the emergency distress beacon emanating from the damaged Alzergian robot's diagnostic chip and beamed him up with the passenger seat Teleport, then he activated the retractable robotic repair manipulator/welding rod/soldering iron repair arms. He then homed in on a strange being who resembled a human with brown plastic ken doll hair, a one piece plastic mustache, and an outrageous green plaid jacket and tie on the MicroCams, but registered as electrical binary patterns on the Neutrino scanner. He then beamed this being up with sub-quantum resolution setting to get all the electrical bits and blips.
Ferrin was about to give up on the whole thing and Look for a position in family Edu-tainment games, when suddenly he heard a volley of bullet fire and explosions. He ran to the direction of the hub-bub to see a robot tipping over a eight foot high snowbank of human gore and run at a translucent green blob that Looked like liquid rock candy. The blob was brandishing a police issue antiproton gun which was souped up with an extra clip, a bullet belt and a pair of Quantum Electrical Matter Generating Battery Packs, "no doubt set on bullets". The blob saw the robot and shot him in the chest, the bullet exploded and flung the robot to the ground. The blob then crawled up to the robot, said something, and shot the robot in the head. Suddenly, the blob began to glow as if lit up from within by a red neon rod. The glow grew brighter and brighter until what little of the blob could be seen seemed to be rinsed away by the light, the glow then faded out leaving behind nothing of the blob except the trillions of dollars of property damage and enough blood and ground flesh to equal about 100 people and two small dogs. The robot started to become transparent and glow and disappear in the same way as the blob just when he was about to think of a really good one liner for this occasion he began to feel warm and tingly and the same type of glow that got the blob and robot began to surround him. The glow subsided and he found himself sitting in the seat of some sort of vehicle which was hovering near the ceiling of the enviro dome. The other occupant in the front passenger seat didn't surprise him, it was the damaged robot almost completely repaired already. The six insectoid like mechanical arms were almost done with the last finishing touches of sewing up the robot's shirt and reapplying fresh Proto-plastic seal onto the robot's head. the person sitting in the driver seat was a surprise, a skinny bug eyed, 5 foot 4 inch tall, goon of a man with a ridiculously black greasy pompadour and an almost comical overbite he was dressed in white sweatpants and sweatshirt with a big black "H" on the chest with a third line in the middle of the "H" drawn on with black magic marker. it was obviously a super hero logo of some sort, to complete the guise he wore red rubber boots with the fronts cut to come to points like superman boots. "Hi there, Harry Hembock, official Zone Dweebie of the Olympic Lava-sled team, what are you supposed to be? a G.I.. Joe?", said the driver of the car.
" I'm Ferrin Phlouf, computer program from tax management" Harry pushed the button on the dashboard which got the Gluon disrupter guns to start to heat up. " Well that sounds all good and dull, no wonder you left I used to know a program who's only job was to list all the names of Brady bunch cast members, let me tell you he wasn't on very stable ground in the reality faultline by the time I met him let me tell you hoo boy". Just then Horseradish regained consciousness " don't reintegrate that much he's a cold mucoused killer!! and a grand master blackbelt psychopath" shouted Horseradish urgently. "Oh thanks for reminding me to reintegrate that muc Harry said gratefully. Harry then pushed the little green button shaped like the PlayBoy bunny symbol "wich of course is the universal species friendly symbol for reintegration", the previously mentioned Teleport special effect reoccurred and Jel reappeared in his seat, and he was pissed.
" you cocknocking bastard if you cycled my atoms around that Tellecoil one more friggin time I would have.... done some very violent atom kind of attack. Wait, let me start again".
Harry flicked the "guns on", switch on the steering column and pushed on the horn a purple rippling stream of extra poisonous looking visible radiation streamed out of the grillwork and a good sized section of the enviro dome stopped existing on contact with it. "Okay, how about this" said Jel trying to recover," if you cycled me one more time I would have kicked the asses of all your atoms with all of my atoms". "Don't quit your day job snotlip", chuckled Harry. Harry Skillfully drove/piloted the car through the hole just before the force field patch switched on." So you guys wanna go on a quest, face alien beasts, brave harsh environments, and almost get killed?", shouted Harry enthusiastically " hell I'm all over that idea that's the most decent idea I've heard all day since my plan to go to the movies through the heating vents", bubbled Jel in approval. " Yee ha", muttered Omneron in his usual comatose monotone," I love this plan ". " Uhh I guess, yeah okay as long as the muc keeps his damn antiprotons offa me", mumbled Horseradish. Harry grinned psychotically" good lets get going then, my day's been a real pisser and I need to have some adventures".
Moomin Nummumm of the Boodabooian Alliance sat at the bridge of his StarShip carrier carrier carrier carrier. " damn", muttered Moomin in Boodabooianese with a slight Squilbin accent " This is one big ship, I should probably swallow my pride and ask what deck the toilets are on before I have to resort to squatting behind a computer console again". Moomin was six feet tall with bright neon blue skin with sickeningly bright neon orange eyes the size of lemons and the texture of popcorn shells his head was oval and domelike and covered with Nacho chip shaped scales, " wich was odd because he had scales nowhere else and was descended from a breed of carnivorous asparagus that could walk small distances to capture it's favorite meal of steel shavings. not reptiles", His hands had six very thin foot long fingers. The webbing between his thumb and index finger was specially evolved to open pill bottles and jars, the fingertip on the index finger of his left. hand was designed for opening important envelopes without mangling them, wich Obviously made the Boodabooian an advanced race. His face was sort of birdlike in that he had a pointed beak, but he also had moveable lips and three rows of teeth, a row of normal teeth for picture taking, a row of pointed teeth for arguing and eating various species of jerky, and a row of Philip's head teeth for Philip's head food. For visual pleasantness and overall comfort only one row was retracted at one time. His ears were small holes on the side of his head with a small sticky out bone near the back of his head, which could adjust the pitch of the sound so he could make people sound like various cartoon characters.
Moomin had just finished wiping himself with his notepad after squatting behind a computer console, when suddenly the radar screen showed a craft approaching. " y'know it's times like this when I wish I had gone ahead with sawing off my head to stay out of the service", Moomin then remembered that guy in the hologram newsfiche " no, that wouldn't have stopped them from drafting me anyway",. Moomin honked the comical bike horn that activated the closeup view on the radar, " well lookit that, it's one of those little space skooting Lambourgini's, I wonder how it got out here ". The Infrascan showed two lifeforms and three electrical patterns signifying Computers or robots, or both. "Well whoever they are they're gonna have to answer to the Boodabooian Alliance"
Three days later, Moomin finally arrived at a console with an external loudspeaker switch and a translation board. " this ship is too damn big ", Moomin grumbled as he switched on the loudspeaker and set the translation dial to Potpourri. " Okay you interlopers in Boodabooian space park your piece of shit vehicle in one of the bright orange marked areas for inspection, or I open fire with antiproton's!!" boy, was Moomin overconfident now That was the most forceful address he'd given since he had his parents put to sleep.
Harry and his newfound sidekicks had just exchanged their names and stories when suddenly the windshield was filled overflowing with the view of a nauseatingly big ship.
" Holy oh Jesus!! will you look at the size of that thing", said Harry in obvious awe.
" That's nothing", Horseradish added calmly, "you should have seen the Alzergian antimatter cannon ships, boy weren't those things beautiful, now that's something that gave even the amoebas planet pride". Jel formed an expression of disapproval, "Shut the hell up about Alzergia !! I'm so sick of hearing you say how wonderful that goddamn hole was!! the morons blew themselves up over a damn supper argument for crissake!! give it up! the place was a dud accept it!!".
" I will not sit by and let you insult my homeworld !!" Horseradish fired his eyebeams directly at Jel's face. Jel immediately began to sizzle and froth like green shampoo being blown into with a straw, then abruptly he stopped moving. " Boy isn't this Just a load of laughs", interjected Ferrin. Harry remained calm " keep it down back there I'm getting closer to that ship".
Three days later, Harry pulled up to the Russia-sized Dust Buster shaped spacecraft. Jel had fully recovered and was surprisingly calm. suddenly, a very rude loudspeaker address told them to park. " Oh I'll park, I'll give them a parking they'll never forget", Harry dug around in the glove compartment then found what he was looking for, " here Ferrin, Jel, take these ", he handed them two mean looking rayguns. Each one was coated with black waterproof enamel and had a tapered hexagonal barrel. each one had a basic light up power meter on full power on one side, and an adjustment slider on the other. The handles had a simple direct message engraved " Quantimess labs Moun Projection pistols, do not eat". Harry pointed to the slider on Ferrin's gun. " Put the setting levers up to "severe punishment", Horseradish, you put your laser eyes on whatever slightly-lethal level they've got". Harry pulled into the twenty thousand level parking garage and took the safety off his gun," whatever happens this is gonna be cool"
Master Zone Dweebie, Donovan opened his ridiculously proportionately large eyes for the first time," can you hear me? give me a sign if you can", said the attending physician " yess lee ghghann ear yoo" said Donovan, struggling with his reptilian vocal cords wich had never been used for speech. " excellent ", said the doctor " an iee ckkann sssee ", hissed Donovan trying to speed things up " perfect!!! I haven't ever performed this procedure before talk about beginners luck!!". " okay Donnie' can I call you Donnie?"
" noe yoo ma noth",
" Okay, can you raise your right arm?". Donovan raised his little tapered reptile arm and gave the doctor the bird, partly to show he had fine motor control, the other reason was self explanatory " marer pleez".
" Oh of course" the doctor handed Donovan an extra small shaving mirror Donovan was only slightly surprised to see the face of a fairly handsome chameleon looking back with it's goofy buggy eyes." Not bad for $150", thought Donovan to himself, This was his twenty eighth body he had been transplanted into. He looked over the body he had just left, it was a snow white owl. He was going to miss that owl. Hhere were a lot of good memories from that life. he was going through a lot of bodies of late, partly from recklessness, partly because he neglected to feed his bodies the diet they where supposed to have. For example, one time he was a dog and kept eating chocolate. The reason he was now able to carelessly use bodies like toilet paper, was because the process for body swapping had recently evolved to perfection. It was simple, a donor body is prepared by being injected with a solution that causes brain death and memory erasure. The next step involves a high fine resolution micro Teleport that homes in on the patients individual axons and neurons in his/her brain that are specifically responsible for his/her memories, thoughts, life knowledge, and what specific parts of the brain the fife force is rooted to. Then a second teleporter homes in on the identical locations for the braincells in the donor bodies' brain. During the next step, the patients compiled mind and essence are Teleported into the donor body. The micro Teleports then break down and immediately reintegrate the donor bodies' brain to blend the new cells in so the mind takes hold. In the final stage the Teleports send electron beams into the brain to stimulate function and assist in adaptation to the new body. Of course, the scant number of human, "or humanoid of anykind", bodies, combined with the fact that Donovan doesn't exactly rake in the dough, are the main reasons he constantly ends up as an unusual animal. Donovan was prepared for his new life as a lizard. He had bought himself a ken doll's Zone Dweebie uniform complete with custom molded chameleon foot shaped Zone Dweebie boots, and a white sweatshirt that he had magic markered a letter "D" onto previously. Every thing fit perfectly the pants were kind of droopy in the kaboose, but that was to be expected since Chameleons don't have butts. He wondered what was going on with the other Zone Dweebies he had been running into fewer over the last few decades. Over the last five years he stopped seeing them completely since he was constantly becoming someone or something else. He figured the others probably didn't know about him at all.
Three days later, Donovan had gotten used to talking with his chameleon tongue, reclaimed his car from the auto shop, and paid handsomely for the chameleon steering Conversions. He was now tooling along the galaxy at bowel releasing speeds. His car was the only expensive thing he owned. it was a 2737 Swichhitta Space Snipper the luxury model with the diamond laser beam cigarette lighter, and the built in fluid tubule player. Its lines were so Completely perfect, that just from the movement of planet rotation when it was parked, it literally sliced through common sense, thus resulting in no one being able to believe what they were seeing or act serious around it, which was another reason Donovan constantly drove faster than the posted speed limit"10 light years per minute".
Moomin spotted the group on the security monitor, just where he thought they would be, but they where armed, this was not good. Moomin thought a bit on this, then it came to him!! '' maybe their weapons can t hurt me", Moomin switched on the weapon detector, Immediately it Identified their guns as Moun Projection Pistols, and estimated their setting from either "light diarrhea", or " boiling steel", " I like those odds", said Moomin Confidently, as he dressed in his protective fuzzy yellow feet pajamas and his official Boodabooian Alliance stick on badge. Just as he was about to Welcome the visitors to his ship, another vehicle approached on the radar " oh for the love of feces!! that does it! I m using my next paychip to get a Cloaking shield!! this is very awkward to say the least".
Harry and the gang where exploring the surprisingly average looking parking garage
" who are the Boodabooian Alliance and howcum I've never heard of them betore?",
asked Ferrin even more confused now then ever. "You've never heard of 'em before because you was in a computer up until three days ago ya vinyl headed assole",
snapped Jel. Horseradish checked his past memory crystal," I've never heard of them before either, they must have been in a Far off background galaxy of the universe to have more than one of these starship carrier carrier carrier carriers and not be found until now". Harry was shaking with excitement " see I told you guys I'd almost get us killed, oh I can hardly wait". A free floating hologram version of Omneron's head projected forth from Horseradish's holographic TV watch " there is a lifeform approaching frown some kind of elevator a few hundred miles up", said Omneron calmly. " You get all that from the cars sensors?", asked Harry. " No the elevator told me",
" Just answer yes when I ask you stuff. Would it kill you to play along?",
" actually according to my master program, yes",
" then shut off unless something important happens ". Omneron frowned " I figured an unknown lifeform that might turn out to be some sort of antimatter slobbering, acid vapor breathing, fission flatulating budgie might be important",
" well it's not so shut off ", growled Harry impatiently.
" I wanna hear about the flatulence", whined Jel.
Harry sneered "tough hemorrhoids! "
Moomin was descending in the rocket powered lift when he noticed the second vehicle coming closer on the elevators screen he had patched into the radar. It was coming very fast, so fast the radar speedometer simply registered "oh frig". " This is just what I need ", groaned Moomin just as the elevator reached the parking deck.
"It's here", said Harry excitedly. " I'm ready for it', said Jel Confidently, as he slid the Moun guns lever up to " Quantum jumble", against Harry's instructions. Just then, the elevators' doors pissed open. " That's the first time I ever saw piss come out of an elevator before", remarked Jel, " yeah kind of dumb, what's the point?" added Ferrin. " don't insult its' culture" cautioned Harry " what kind of dunce routs the sewage through the elevator shaft!?", shouted Moomin disgustedly in Boodabooianese as he carefully stepped over the urine puddle. " Hi there. I'm Moomin Nummumm, don't shoot", said Moomin
" wich translated from Boodabooianese to English means " howdy my name is Moomin Nummumrn please do not fire your weapons at my person". "What did he say?", asked Ferrin. " It's some kind of alien gobbeldey gook answered Harry.
" I think he wants us to shoot at him".
" Glad to oblige shouted Jel excitedly.
Quickly, Moomin expanded his senses for the neutrinos fizzing through his body, then began channeling them to his hand . He then raised his energized hand towards the trigger happy menthol mouthwash splash to the left and focused.
The alien raised his hand, and a red swirly pattern began emanating from the center of his palm the Chiklet sized battery shot out of Jel's gun like a brussel sprout out of a five year old. " Whoa, hold it everyone put down their guns", hollered Harry nervously. " No way, you mean to tell me you can control Neutrinos? that's impossible". Moomin pulled a blistercard full of translation gelcaps from his pajama pocket and popped one down quickly. " Maybe It's Impossible for you, but the Boodabooians have been doing it for millennia", Moomin gloated. Harry clenched his teeth " how the hell is that possible? organic tissue can't harness Neutrinos, you need an atom smasher, or a TV set or something, and even then, it's just a transmitting medium how the hell can you make a battery pop out?",
" and get lost in the crack in the floor", added Jel for good measure. "why can't I ? Neutrinos pass through every thing, I just used the neutrinos passing through my hand and on through to the battery and, pop out it goes, as easy as moving my pinkie". Harry began to whine " well that's just not fair, if I thought you had some kind of super power I'd have never come that Just takes all the fun out of it".
While Harry and Moomin were gabbing, Jel had used his sticky properties to retrieve the battery from the floor crack and plop it back into it's compartment. Jel set the gun on
" pastry", then fired at Moomin's abdomen. A powerful orange electrical particle stream crackled from the barrel, it was a direct hit, Moomin moaned as his lung and intestine became brown and crispy on the outside, and soft and doughy on the inside. Moomin managed to gasp I feel flaky", then Collapsed. "Oh smart one", scolded Harry, "my first contact with an alien and you go and ruin it by killing him!! y'know you're really turning out to be a prick",
" first alien my ass where do ya think I came from Wyomlng?", growled Jel.
Harry Sneered, " I mean the first contact with a really neat alien, you can't do anything but Leave a putrid residue everywhere you go, and frankly it's embarrassing".
" You Know why embarrassing is so embarrassing? because it has bare ass in it", chuckled Jel unphased by, Harry's insults.
" Yeah real funny one that's exactly what I'm talking about you .." Suddenly, an amazing vehicle pulled into the parking garage. "Hey it looks like a big vagina doesn't it?", said Horseradish with a shit eating grin on his face. Ferrin began laughing hysterically unable to believe what he was seeing or act serious, "ha ha yeah a big old girl vagina Just like yours", Ferrin then collapsed hardly able to breath from laughing. " You're both a Couple of dipshits it's obviously a car", shouted Jel sickened by their foolishness," besides, its a big old gorilla titty as any damn fool can plainly see for his or herself ".
" Hold it guys isn't that a lizard at the Wheel? how in the hell does someone like that get the money for a Switchhitta? that's what I wanna know!!", demanded Harry.
Donovan pressed the chameleon sized button that opened the door and Carefully crawled out, my king sure his tail didn't get shut in as it closed behind him. " Harry!! thank god!! I thought the whole Zone Dweebie order was dead".
" And you might be....", asked Harry, with obvious confusion on his face.
" It's me, Donovan, don't you remember the last time I saw you? I found out I had terminal colic and I had a plan to buy a new chimpanzee body".
" Oh yeah, so where s the chimpanzee?",
" dead of lung cancer I suppose pipesmoking wasn't the best habit to pick up directly after a neuro graft|".
"Oh well third time's the charm".
"Uuuhh yeah third theme does it every time. so what have you been doing?".
Ferrin cut in "excuse me I'd hate to interrupt this heartwarming reunion, but a ship almost as big as this one is approaching, and it's armed to the teeth". Moomin switched over to his backup lung and intestine and hopped back to his feet, "don't worry the hull of this craft is made of TopMatter it's realer than normal metal. Nothing short of Top-Antimatter can even touch it". Jel went for his gun and saw it was completely disassembled and scattered all over the floor, "bastard!". Horseradish, who had just recovered from laughing at the car, "which he had now interpreted to look like 280 obscene appendages" snapped back into seriousness. " The ship is sending a signal, want I should answer?". Harry itched his butt, "yeah sure, let's see what they want". Horseradish projected a clear 20 inch image against the ship's wall. The image was if a tall beautiful woman clad in tight, clingy, red leather from head to toe. She had a shiny mane of Crayola red hair and green lipstick. She had purple eyes, hips your could light a match on and breasts so round, so firm, so fully packed, that everyone aboard immediately fell to their knees and began howling and cat calling and barking like seals, all except Harry who had a sneer of disgust. " It's my wife, she would have to come along and ruin everything". Donovan rotated his buggy eyes over to Harry in disbelief, " what are ya? a homo or something? that's the hottest babe I've seen in, well ever!".
" Trust me, that Wears off quick -when you move in with her. she makes sepiku appealing that's why I took off and never mention her". " I suppose that makes sense,", added Ferrin. Jel bubbled ten times in rapid succession, " Since you don't want her can I have a poke at her ?",
" sure you're welcome to her if you can crowbar the damn seahag op... ".
" Are you pigs finished?", said Harry's wife " and please inform your little friend that my name is not "my wife" but..".
" Shuddup!!!! you don't deserve to be called by a name you trollup!! what do you want now? as if I give a rat's ass". Harry grinned at the others, " sure told her didn't I ?".
Harry's wife frowned " look I wouldn't think of messing up your little super hero games, I just want you to sign these divorce papers."
Harry shook with rage, " it's that damn tennis instructor! it's always the tennis instructor! you tell that prettyboy that if I ever see him an the street I'll rip his scrotum off with a pair of rusty pliers!!!".
" You'll what?", a huge hulking, steroid saturated, ape of a man walked into frame " what did you say pussy?". Harry grinned nervously "oh nothing, you know I was just opening my mouth you see, and these sounds kept coming out as they're likely to do and. . .".
You keep your dorky trap shut or I'll go over there and kick your stupid ass".
Harry walked quickly over to Moomin, " this ship has guns right? I mean, you said you'd shoot if we didn't park right?? so that must mean you've got guns rights?? come on man start nodding yes or something Jesus Christ!!". Moomin nodded his head " nope not a weapon to be had whatsoever. I was Lying to get you here so I could arrest you and feel big". Harry broke out in a cold sweat, " yeah hut he can't Teleport aboard right? that shielding keeps him from teleporting right?
" Oh no this thing might as well be made of screen doors when it comes to Teleports ". Harry frowned and furrowed his brow " couldn't have lied or said you didn't know could ya?"
" Sign the papers or Rolph kicks your ass and makes you sign in your own blood Harry", said Harry's wife with a bitchy grin on her face Ferrin's eyes bugged " Horseradish turn the sound off! Moomin can your ship Teleport stuff on to their ship?". Moomin raised all four eyebrows, " well yeah I guess so ". Ferrin cranked the slider on his gun to the maximum notch at the very tip of the gun which read! " this suckers gonna blow run fool!!".
" Then Teleport this".
" Oh I get it ", Moomin lined up the gun into position in the yellow square painted on the macadam. " Hey metal pants", Moomin hollered over to Horseradish," have your computer tell my computer to lock on to this spot and Teleport this gun right next to the lifeforms on that ship".
" Is that all?", remarked Horseradish, just as a purple ball of light enveloped the gun and shrank away leaving nothing behind.
" Hey!! what the", said Rolph and Harry's wife simultaneously. " That's murder Harry, you'll be a fugitive for fife after this one ".
" Justifiable homicide no court in the universe would convict me", Harry grinned.
Harry's wife pushed a button off frame," this ship is armed with Top-Antimatter cannons I'll take you with me".
" Wow she is a bitch", remarked Moomin astonished.
The ship fired, Moomin's ship disintegrated into a puff of sparks and cosmic gases, then the other ship was washed in an orange glow that destroyed it as well.
Then, silence.
Harry's space Lambourgini streaked along at its' maximum speed of 8 light years per minute. " Boy that was a close shave, let's not ever do that again", said Harry relieved.
" My car! my car! they blew up my car", moaned Donovan regretfully. Moomin switched over to this pointed teeth," screw your damn car!! what about my friggin megaship and my crew I never met?", he shouted .
" Hey quit your ballin all of you. at least we have our lives", added Harry.
" No thanks to you, if you hadn't been married none of this would have happened", hissed Donovan, who had know become the color of the cars aphoulstry.
"We were lucky that Omneron was still hooked to the Teleport systems, so that he could beam us into the car, then beam the whole car to safety", Omneron said, trying to sound like someone else giving him credit. Ferrin grinned," even after all we've been through so far, this is still more fun than doing peoples taxes" Harry slammed on the brakes and came to a dead stop," hey I just though of something!! howcum every one always travels sideways in space? I wanna see what's upways". Omneron rolled his eyes," there is no up or down in space".
" Oh don't give me that line of shit", Harry steered the car into a vertical position, he then switched on the force fields surrounding the tires, that penetrated into a deep layer of asphalt-space that gave the wheels good traction, then pushed the fusion petal to the floorboard. " See I told you we can go up, I don't know why no one ever tried it before". Donovan hissed, this is as fast as this thing can go? oh this is just pathetic I could Just cry". Suddenly, a good sized planet jumped up out of nowhere Harry's eyes bugged," oh this is Comforting, the brakes aren't working". Jel grinned " not to worry, I hear that tornadoes have hurled two by fours through the air so fast, that they get smashed through concrete walls without being damaged. If we go fast enough, we'll just stab into the ground instead of crushing like a beetle". Harry's eyes lit up " that's just dumb enough to work!!". Harry put the pedal to the metal. The planet got big enough to make out houses within seconds, reentry heat built up on the hood, sparks flew off the grill, emergency signals flashed like concert strobe lights, the cars entire framework shook like a dog shitting razor blades, and the "change oil", light was brighter than usual. The ground then flew at the car full throttle and wrapped itself around it. All 11 airbags inflated, the sprinkler system went crazy, the oxygen masks dropped, the seats became floatation devices, and Harry laughed " that has definitely got to be the most fun an auto accident can possibly get".
"Chuckle while you can skippy, because we're all gonna smother to death in water and airbaggage", grumbled Donovan disgustedly. Moomin's eyes brightened," wait I have a plan!!".
Jel threw a blop of cellular waste into the campfire and listened to it hiss, " I have to hand it to you, that was a cunning plan" Jel bubbled. Omneron's head floated about on a 30 yard radius," he is correct it was a most efficient strategy".
" Boy, I tell you I've seen some clever plans in my time but that even surprised me with its cleverness", added Donovan, who then proceeded to retrieve the fried bologna at the end of his stick with his long tongue. Ferrin checked his toasted weasel, his first real world meal, it was dripping greasy, just like Harry told him it should be," I haven't seen any plans before in my life, and that still was the cleverest plan I ever saw". Moomin's hands turned red with embarrassment " aww shucks, oops I mean, shit, it weren't nothing".
Harry rubbed his rear " man!!, never wipe your asses with any of those transparent leaves, Jesus don't they chafe". Omneron hovered over to Harry " we were just discussing how cunning Moomin's plan was".
" A clever plan it was! !!", boomed Harry " since we all know what plan we're talking about, lets never discuss the details of it again". "agreed!! hurrah!!!", shouted the group in unison.
later that night, inside Harry's Pholdhouse, which he had purchased from the same machine as the car for 75 cents, Donovan and Harry were discussing important Zone Dweebie matters, subjects of incredible importance to the universe. Donovan sipped his "whisky cove", flavered, Extraterrestrial Seasonings tea " I was wondering if maybe your computer could beam me into a better body". Harry thought for a moment " I suppose, Omneron has enough salvaged Teleport pieces to work with, but wouldn't that kill the donor in the process?".
" Well yeah, that's sort of the point ain't it?".
"Okay, just checking". Donovan gave his usual lizardlike grin "potent!!".
" Oh one more thing", added Harry " try to make it someone I hate".
" I already have someone in mind", giggled Donovan as he rubbed his little lizard hands together.
Captain Redundant, a 6 foot tall, ridiculously muscled hulk of a man, dressed in a blue foam rubber super suit with a symbol on the chest of a clenched fist with an "R" on the middle finger, and pectorals the size of pot roasts, and ridiculously heroic over moussed blond master race hair, perfect marble white teeth, and a ridiculously heroic cleft chin the size of a babies butt, pulled the mighty lever labeled "mighty fast', with his mighty arm. Redundant swept aside his heroic cloak overdramatically, and looked at the Neutrino-Net faxgram he had been sent over an emergency Tau-Neutrino frequency, it read " dear Captin Ribundnt my nam is bily I am dyng of canser", it was the childish misspelling that pulled his heartstrings." my mommy wont tell me abowt canser she just sas "kis yur as gudby bily" I want to meet yoo befor I croke luv bily. pee s tell mommy not to say as". well, Captain Redundant certainly wasn't going to let one of his little fans down, especially one that would get him good press!! Mightily Redundant pushed a mighty big button with his mighty meaty finger that mightily made the mighty ship go mighty faster.
Donovan giggled with anticipation " boy I can't wait till that sucker gets that faxgram, he won't be able to resist". Omneron rechecked the Teleport program he and Donovan had set up. " Are you sure this is moral mister Donovan? I mean, we're talking about wiping the mind of a well loved celebrity super hero". Donovan flicked his tongue in disgust " you're a computer you don't have to worry about morals just do what I damn well tell you".
Captain Redundant mightily landed his mighty ship, and mightily jumped from the drivers side window to the ground, " naturally unharmed because of his rnightiness".
" Billy boy!! were are you?? come see your good old buddy Captain Redundant". suddenly, he felt a warm tingly feeling in his head, and then nothing.
Donovan swished his tail rapidly in excitement, as a mighty craft the size of the Whitehouse and shaped like a clenched robot fist floated to the ground. Donovan whispered into the side of Omneron's head " get ready to home in on those fresh juicy braincells Omneron ".
Donovan then felt the now familiar warm tingly sensation of mind swapping and then nothing.
Donovan awoke the next morning seeing through human eyes for the first time in 2 years. " how do you feel?", inquired Omneron. " I feel mighty", answered Donovan admiring his beachball like bicep. " now I can laugh at death without him laughing back".
Captain Redundant awoke the next morning seeing through chameleon eyes for the first time in his life. " Hey!! what is he doing alive!!??", he heard a familiar yet enraged voice shout. " I'm sorry but I couldn't take a life out of spite". apologized a floating, disembodied, geometrical hologram head.
" So, using your cutesie pie Nintendo logic, you decided to perform a transfer", growled his body. Captain redundant rolled his eyes upward and saw that it was definatly himself talking to the hologram head. He tried to speak but was cut off before he could even make an attempt. " You've been mindported into the body of a chameleon you drip, not that you couldn't have figured that out eventually by yourself". " Yoooghh baaazphhptt", Redundant lisped, unused to adapting to animal anatomy, specially a chameleon tongue.
" Well don't have any fantasies of getting a super heroic revenge, because your career in that profession is officially over", snarled Donovan. Donovan picked up the helpless little Captain Redundant lizard and threw him far, far, into the woods, never to be seen or heard from again.
Harry stared at Donovan speechless, then finally he got back his voice " I said someone I hate not someone I can't stand the sight of. Jesus Christ!! what were you thinking of man!!??"
" Of being a man, that's what I was thinking of ", answered Donovan calmly. " besides you'll quickly realize it's worth the price of having to look at Redundant's face, when you consider that he came with his own starship, and that his finger, retina, and sperm prints are the keys to an unlimited supply of moolah, immediately at our disposal thanks to our mutual computer friend".
" Starship or no I'm not leaving without my car. We're staying on this world until we can dig it out of the crater and get it aboard the ship", objected Harry.
"Fine there's no mad rush I was just saying", responded Donovan.
Harry went to the attic of his Pholdhouse to check the old boxes for some good junk that might assist in towing his car free if the crater. " Goddammit nothing but moist fat lady lingerie, who built this place?? waittaminnit, here's something". Harry was amazed it was a fluid tubule with a Hologram watch adapter at the end . " I bet Horseradish could activate this, hey Horseradish!!".
Horseradish plugged the tubule into the oval socket on the side of his watch. Immediately a telepresance projected two feet away. It was the image of a Zone Dweebie with a "&" on his shirt, and one yellow curly hair sticking out of his nose. The image began to speak " this is the Zone Dweebie &(#$!il# I am one of the last survivors of the Phlatulantville civic-center massacre. I have hidden this tubule in a Pholdhouse that only another Zone Dweebie would pick". Harry became irritated " what the hell is that supposed to mean!!?". The sologram evidently knew what the response would be because he answered without missing a beat " a 75 cent house? come on it's obvious, Zone Dweebies are cheap, I ought to know I am a Zone Dweebie".
" He does make a good point", added Donovan.
" You shut up!!! you ain't even a real Zone Dweebie anymore, you're just a body hopping nerve cluster", snapped Harry bitterly. &(#$il# proceeded with his message " you must avenge the death of the Zone Dweebies ",
" Do it yourself assole", snapped Harry.
" I cannot do it myself, I am dead, this data recording is all that remains of me, the rest of my essence has passed on into the Dweebie Zone".
Harry rolled his eyes " so who killed everybody? I mean asking me to avenge you is kind of useless without that particular bit of information". &(#$il|# 's expression became solemn " it was Joe Jowe# 2'234, there isn't a trace of plumber left In him he has become a full Dark Zone Dweebie Master, and a red buckle Neutrino-Wizard ". Moomin's jaw dropped " RedBuckle???!!! that's as high as you can go, only one Boodabooian in recorded history got that high up and he died of the strain".
Harry sneered " then how the hell do you expect us to defeat him you bastard!!?? no I'm not doing it. go screw yourself. I could give a damn about people I never met".
" Free candy if you fight", &(#$i1# added desperately.
"Nope", Harry rebutted.
"He has the NeutrinoBike", &(#$gil# added without missing a beat.
"That's a damn lie", Harry hissed.
"It's true, he kept it for himself, that story that he shot it into space was a cover story set up by J.J himself ".
Harry sighed " okay, I'll do it, the danger level fits right in with what I set out to do", Harry lied, "and I want that bike screw the car ".
Hours later, Harry called a meeting in the Pholdhouse kitchen. " Okay you guys one Zone Dweebie isn't going to be enough for this mission, so, since I carry the position of a Grand Ferrit Puncher among the Zone Dweebie community, and since I am the only Zone Dweebie left...".
" I object!!! a Zone Dweebie Master is higher up than a Ferrit Puncher, I should be the one to...", screamed Donovan.
" You're right, a Master is higher than a Ferrit Puncher, but a Grand Ferrit Puncher is higher than a Master, which is what I am.
"You made that up you weasily bastard".
Harry continued "now, as I was saying I am authorized to give you all full Zone Dweebie status and the honorary rank of First Class Mustard Handlers".
" So what do we get?", asked Jel.
" well you get to dress in traditional Zone Dweebie garb, and brandish paperclips, and attend Zone Dweebie meetings where you can look apon and even point at the mystic Zone Dweebie relic".
Jel formed a bubble pattern of confusion" which is?".
Harry hopped up and down excitedly " the corndog stick of Apphthryxxiljkkk Shlyzobopt, the very first roomate of the uncle of the godfather of the guy who says he saw a guy who could have very well been the third, if not the second Zone Dweebie".
Jel smiled "sounds good to me, when's the initiation?".
Harry pulled out a well worn, creased, dog eared, copy of the Zone Dweebie training pamphlet with very rude looking stains of an uncomfortable nature. " Now place your hands apon, or point at, or look apon o' sacred pamphlet of magical, wondrous, and sometimes whimsical sayings, and say after me " I, am a Zone Dweebie ".
" That's it?", asked jet Ferrin, and everyone else but Donovan bitterly.
Harry slipped the pamphlet back into the front of his underwear " yeah basically, that was the long version. I figured since this was the beginning of the rebuilding of the Zone Dweebie order I ought to make it more ceremonial".
Donovan smirked " yeah, I also hear that in some distant galaxies, full membership in the Zone Dweebies can get you a refill on your coffee". Harry shook his fist with rage "you've been asking for this for a long time Donovan". Before Donovan could respond Harry whipped out his Moun gun and burnt a basket ball hoop sized hole through Donovan's chest. At that instant, Donovan, the last Zone Dweebie master, died. Harry kicked dirt on the small fires burning in Donovan's chest " how about I just throw out the rank system and make us all equal partners?".
Ferrin walked up " that doesn't change the fact you just murdered Donovan". Harry looked down at the smoldering corpse " oh that, don't worry about him, Omneron beamed him somewhere else before the shot even h it".
" How right he is", agreed Donovan's voice.
" What the?!!", shouted Horseradish. There, floating where Omneron had once been was a geometrical representation of Donovan. " He couldn't find a body so he beamed me at Sub-Quantum level directly into his circuit board.
Harry grinned " I'll fix that".
" a Zone Dweebies primary weapon is his paperclip. it is also his toothpick, lockpick, toolkit, messkit, surgical tool, Toilet tissue, dental equipment, radio receiving set, and at some lonely times his woman".
- exerpt from the Zone Dweebie training pamphlet.
Harry produced from his right pocket, his official Zone Dweebie Paperclip. Harry then opened the repair access compartment of Omneron/Donovan's computer box.
" Hey what are you doing??", whimpered Donovan nervously. Harry bent his paperclip into a comb shape, and plugged it into an expansion port into Donovan's circuit board.
" nooo!!!!", shouted Donovan, as he morphed back into Omneron. Harry pushed a couple of buttons on the computer box's keypad, then closed everything up. " there, I bypassed his personality, and downloaded his programming into the Neutrino-Net where he won't cause us any trouble".
Joe Jowe sat apon his throne at the master Neutrino-Net broadcast center. He closed his eyes and tuned his senses to the Neutrinos passing through his body. He then focused on the Neutrinos passing through his brain and linked his mind once again into the Neutrinoverse. he sensed a presence in the Net. it gave off powerful waves of anger
" not as strong as his own, just strong", Joe Jowe focused on the presence and scanned its mind. It gave off very clear thoughts of a Zone Dweebie named Harry Hembock it also had very recent memories of this Zone Dweebie recruiting new Zone Dweebies into the fold. He then got a distant memory of this presence's recruitment into the Zone Dweebie ranks. Joe Jowe concentrated a cluster of Neutrinos into a energy surge in the Neutrinoverse and snuffed out the essence of the presence like a match.
After that, only one thought entered Joe Jowe's mind " Harry Hembock".
American Eagle, a humanoid mutant bald eagle, and Government Cheese, a humanoid mutant, triangular, wedge of government surplus Swiss cheese, stood at the gateway to Castle Grogowugga. " I still can't believe I let you talk me into this", muttered American Eagle disgustedly. Government Cheese's eyes rotated in their swiss cheese hole sockets
" Don't worry about it man this is gonna be cool its like Dungeons and Dragons".
" Yeah you keep saying that and I have yet to see anything remotely Dungeons and Dragonesque". At that moment, a very large purple koala ran up and proceeded to violently choke up a nasty blob of smoker's mucous. American Eagle grimaced in disgust
" see, that's what I'm talking about. this place is nothing like Dungeons and Dragons, and it never will be, as a matter of fact, the only vague resemblance between this place and D&D is that it has this castle". American Eagle kicked the hacking koala in the face with his taloned foot. The koala fell down a long, jagged, rocky, stairway, gave one last gurgling hack, twitched, and stopped moving. American Eagle carelessly hurled a rock at the koala. The rock struck full force in the head, hardly budging it's lifeless form. Government Cheese shooed away a fly that had taken up residence in one of his holes with his cartoon charicterlike hand "white glove and all".
" Well A.E, at least there was that really cool Dragon, now you have to admit that was exactly as advertised".
American Eagle was admiring his handiwork, he had just shoved a stick through the mealy body of a plum sized beetle with the face of a baby " oh sure a dragon, boy are you a sucker that was a goddam aardvark with cardboard scales glued on and a blowtorch taped to its snout".
Government Cheese shook his fist " don't you think I don't know that!? at least I'm using my imagination and attempting to make the best out of this trip". American Eagle threw a rock at a huge turd with dragonfly wings. the rock missed and landed in one of Government Cheese's holes. Government Cheese either didn't notice or seemed to ignore this. " Can we at least check out the castle?? that is why we came in the first place". American Eagle hocked a floppy bogey into a gopher hole " might as well we've probably missed the little miss orgy pageant anyhow!".
The first edition of the Zone Dweebie pamphlet was written by an alien creature who's species was actually called 'Zone Dweebie", it wrote down the basic Zone Dweebie theology and powers with nothing more than a pad of white paper and a box of Crayola crayons. So advanced was this creatures thought processes that it used all 8 colors. So quick was this creatures thought processes it only took it 5 minutes to complete. It then passed on this sacred text to the holy publisher " his name no longer matters", then, the text was mailed to the man who would become the first Zone Dweebie. " For the sake of posterity his name no longer matters either". Some high falutin' nambey pambey historions try to use the fact that the alien wrote it in 5 minutes with a box of crayons, to prove that the alien was playing a cruel practical joke on us the whole time, and is still somewhere laughing at us all for following any bit of pop philosophy like helpless cattle. "but we know better don't we? that's right! ! if it was a joke it wouldn't have gone this far now would it?? well, there you go, case closed, now shut up and practice your powers".
- the other page of the Zone Dweebie pamphlet
American Eagle and Government cheese made their way up to the doorway of castle Grogowugga. " so how does it open? do we just go in or is there a password or what?", American Eagle inquired of Government Cheese.
" How should I know? just because this was all my idea doesn't mean I know what's going on", was Government Cheese's answer to the inquiry. American Eagle perked up and grinned " hold it, I've got an idea I do", American Eagle extended a feathered finger and pushed the chrome enameled doorbell with the intricate carvings of nuclear warning symbols. " There by golly, that aught to get the ball rolling", said American Eagle admiring his good deed for the day. Government Cheese objected " I don't know, I seriously doubt that was a doorbell. I think it was THE BUTTON ". American Eagle shook his head in disgust " you stupid chunk of surplus dairy product substitute, how dare you even imply that I, American Eagle, greatest super hero in the known universe, would be stupid enough to push THE BUTTON ? besides, what chimp would put THE BUTTON on the front door of a castle?".
" Well, there's this note here that says " THE BUTTON, we trust our visitors not to press aforementioned button because, who would be stupid enough to push said button in question", gee I guess they didn't take you into account did they?",
Government Cheese gloated.
" Well, anyone who protects their nuclear arsenal with nothing but the honor system deserves everything they get. this will teach these people a valuable lesson", American Eagle grumbled. Government Cheese whipped out a starship remote control unit
" Good thing I've learned from the last five times you've done this, I left the Teleporters in the ship activated for a quick escape". American Eagle petted Government Cheese on the top of his pointy wedge head " quick thinking G.C ". just then, fifteen mushroom clouds formed on the horizon, and American Eagle and Government Cheese vanished in a whirl of blue triangular sparkles.
in the year 5000, The United Universe issued construction of five time Pods. each one to be piloted by a genetically engineered, bionically enhanced, syntho growoids .
These growoids would then be sent into key points in history to either intervene, or to just observe and make fun of the clothing.
in the year 5001 the timepods were launched, four of them where successful one lost contact and was never heard from again.
In the year 2740 a timepod materialized from metaspace. the pods Subbub-Neutrino-Net radio had been damaged during the trip. resulting in loss of contact.
Zoria bacillus jiggled the switch on her radio " oh shit well this is just great, now what the hell am I supposed to do? well I guess I'm going to have to complete my mission and hope for the best". Zoria checked her mission computer. 41st century computers no longer need screens, nor do they require buttons, the current model now present in Zoria's ship has a direct telepathic link to her, established by the mere fact that it is from so far in the future. The computer uses this link to automatically feed the information to her mind as if she already knew the answer. Zoria received a clear mental image of a mission synopses document which read " Objective#1 help the Zone Dweebies with the battle with Joe Jowe, Objectivc#2 laugh and point at the one that dies".
" I think I can manage that second part pretty well. I'll just do that part and get half credit on the assignment". Just then, she received a mental image of her timepod exploding and the words " Objective#1 not completed, termination activated", flashing in red three dimensional letters. Zoria then sent back a mental image of her approximation of a computer programmer being castrated with a rusty razor, after that the computer wouldn't speak to her for an hour.
The prostitute, clad in a neon glo-plastic g-string, unfolded the crinkled piece of paper handed to her by the 6 foot tall pine tree " or was it a man in a tree suit?". An ecstatic giggle came from the tree as she read it aloud " you naughy little tree, you've been a bad Christmas tree. all you're getting for Christmas is a spanking you naughty little shrub".
" Read it louder this time", ordered the tree calmly. She read it again, loudly as the tree had asked her to. " More feeling whore!! you're getting paid I want quality!!" shouted the tree, obviously becoming irritated. She read it again, this time louder and simulating a scolding tone of voice. " No I'm sorry, you're just not working out.
Tell that other one to come in", sighed the tree disappointedly. A thick hipped, bucked toothed, four eyed, flat chested, girl dressed like someone who obviously was doing this to pay the bills walked in. " I'm doing this to pay the bills", said the girl matter of factly. "This little college girl is gonna lose her innocence in a big way", thought the tree wickedly to his/itself. The tree showed her to an armchair in the corner of the room" hello doll, names Spruce, read this note, and make me feel it". She read the note at just the right tone and volume. Spruce rustled and shook rapidly, and sickening slapping sounds came from him. " Yeah yeah that's it baby make me pay!! say the words baby", said Spruce shakily. Spruce gave one last hard twitch " aaauuuagghh eh eh ahhh there, perfect, not much to look at but boy what an actress ". A zipping sound came from Spruce, then a hand came from within his branches and gave the hooker a $50 bill. " See ya round baby that was just what the tree surgeon ordered ". As Spruce walked away the girl noticed a small puddle of what appeared to be pinesap but she wasn't about to examine it.
Spruce was now tooling along asphault space at 10 LYPS " light years per second", when suddenly a Pholdhouse jumped out of nowhere and brought his nice little ride to a screeching hault. " well what a stupid place to put a world, that wasn't here last time I came this way. frigging construction crews got nothing better to do I guess", cursed Spruce repulsed.
Harry was fast asleep in his electro chemical heated slush bed. He was having the convenient flashback dream yet again. In the dream Harry was standing on his fictional homeworld of Earth+ . Harry broke into a nervous sweat " this cartoon never will end", Harry shivered. It was just at that moment when severe plot faultlines began to rupture and caused the entire planet to explode. Millions of twisted misshapen cartoon people boiled away in the conflagration . Harry only survived by being the only person on Earth+ standing on a solid chunk of ground. It looked like this tiny bit of luck was about to run out quickly though, as Harry's chunk of earth was hurtling towards the sun very quickly. the searing heat started a roaring inferno all around Harry, the sun filled the sky, Harry shrieked in terror, the chunk of Earth+ smacked into the sun and boiled away with a tiny fissing sound.
Harry dusted himself off and took note of his surroundings, the legends were true, there was a regular Earth on the opposite side of the sun from Earth+. Luckily, he had stood on the right spot that he knew would be flung free of the blast and pass through the ripple in the plotline thus zipping through a timespace wormhole and popping out directly on planet Earth in the year 2738.
Harry quickly blended himself into futuristic normal Earth society, and got a car and a wife. Not long after, he hooked himself up with the Zone Dweebies because their snappy dress sense matched his exactly. The recruiter told him that they were dying out or some foolishness to that effect just before he "the recruiter", was dismembered by a hoard of angry budgies. Harry woke up from the annoying back story dream and vowed never to dream it again. He then went back to sleep and dreamt about how odd it was that many people in the futuristic normal Earth were the same people from the primitive Earth+, which just proved that you just can't get any better than Earth+ when it comes to personality evolution. He was about to dream about how bathroom sink water tastes better than kitchen sink water for some reason, when suddenly the Pholdhouse was torn in half by a green jagged edged space ship the size of an oil truck and resembling a Christmas tree. Harry and his cohorts were flung 300 feet from the crash and all landed in the lake outdoors.
American Eagle and Government Cheese materialized aboard their ship without a scratch. the fantasy planet exploded sending a humongous energy ripple the size of Saturn's ring smashing into the ship's hull and hurling it up to 8-D speed. American Eagle smacked painfully up against some very wickedly shaped controls. Government Cheese fell down an access hatchway and landed in a pool of harmless plutonium solution, and sank up to his eyeballs the ship sped along, still traveling under the enertia of the energy ripple. Just when it seemed like it would never slow down, it smacked into a planet that slowed it down to the safe cruising speed of O.MPH. Government Cheese crawled out of a pile of some generic all purpose spaceship wreckage " this wasn't the fun slap happy vacation I envisioned".
" that's funny", remarked American Eagle " all our vacations end up like this, so I saw it coming a mile away".
Zoria finally got the computer to respond to her questions. she asked it where the closest habitable planet was. It gave her a mental image of a large green Earthish planet it then gave a mental image of the Zone Dweebies all together and crawling over huge piles of spaceship wreckage. " That's where we want to go ", she said as the timepod jumped in and out of 8-D and arrived at the exact same planet in the mental image.
Harry crawled out of the lake. he shook the water off of his watertight pompadore and switched on the heat dryer switch on his belt buckle. The hatch on the pine tree ship opened up and a very familiar pine bough clad gentleman hopped out " Spruce, it figures, just when I'm enjoying a good rest he has to come along", Harry thought to himself.
" Harry! !! its you, I knew you'd survive, you always do", Spruce remarked joyously.
" how did you survive?", Harry asked amazed and annoyed to see his off and on sidekick again.
Spruce pulled out a crude map drawn in magic marker " remember you sold me this map of spots to stand on when the world blows up, for 20 bucks",
Harry nodded " that's right I remember now I needed the money for a pornographic video game". Harry noticed that Jel, Moomin, Horseradish, Ferrin, and Omneron had recovered and crawled out of the lake.
Ferrin took the Neutrino Bike maps out of his suit jacket pocket. the lake water had made the letters ooze beyond repair. " well there goes that dream. this is still more fun than doing taxes though".
Jel noticed a spaceship approaching at dangerous speed, and pointed a finger shaped blop skyward. Moomin spotted it a split second later " hey do you guys think that streaky thing could be a problem?", he queried expecting the answer to be yes.
"Yes", answered Omneron to Moomin's query.
"Oh, well that's okay then, I thought it was going to be a problem", retorted Moomin relieved. The ship crashed into Spruce's ship with an indescribable explosion. The explosion was accompanied by an almost indescribable sound affect, it could be described as a "kerslammy", but that doesn't quite do it justice.
Government Cheese shoved the mangled door away, fell 3 stories, and landed with a nauseating thud. "No don't put yourselves out on our account', commented American Eagle putridly as he pompously gnawed on his garlic and chili chutney flavored vomit burger. " Oh Jesus Christ Almighty!! not you guys too I can't believe this", groaned Harry.
Zoria gave the mental signal to beam down, she instantaneously appeared in the midst of the commotion with a "boink".
41st century teleporters work on the principle that if you go deeper and deeper into smaller and smaller quantum particles there comes a point when there are no particles, but instead there is just electro magnetic vibration. Since matter is just a wave pattern, all you have to do is transmit the waves with a similar attuned carrier wave and the whole object just appears at its destination at the speed of light without all the wasted data storage needed for the clumsy process of atomic disintegration and reintegration. It wasn't long after the invention of the carrier wave beam Teleport that someone began whining that the speed of light wasn't good enough for them, so another team of scientists began cooking up the next model. It didn't take long for the breakthrough, since matter is just vibration then there is really no object there at all. No object occupying space equals nothing, and since you are nothing, you can travel faster than something because nothing is always faster than something. This speed of nothing is easily proved because no matter how fast something travels " even if your something is light", nothing is always there before something gets there for it to fill in. Before there was the universe " which is a massive blob of something", there was an infinite void of nothing. If nothing got there squijillions of years before something showed up to occupy it, nothing obviously must be faster.
The new Teleport system projects the nothingness of the object instantaneously to any point in space no matter how far away. This obviously got the people who build starships worried. To preserve all the gwadillions of jobs connected to the starship building, maintenance, and upgrading industries, the United Universe passed legislation that all Teleports must be used for traditional spacecraft to ground " and vise versa", transport only. They also decreed that all information revealing their ability to transport anything to any where else in a scintillasecond will be suppressed, shredded, and or be used as personal toilet tissue of the United Universe representatives.
Harry rubbed his eyes and looked again " don't bother explaining how you guys escaped I can take a wild guess".
American Eagle grit his teeth " you gonna help me down or just let me fall and be a crippled vegetable like G.C down there?", he rumbled.
Harry smirked nonchalantly " for one thing Government Cheese was a vegetable to start with. secondly, aren't you guys supposed to be able to fly? especially considering you in particular are possessed of wings?".
American Eagle expressed surprise " hey, you're right! well, that's handy. oh, by the way, that was one nonchalant smirk you got there".
" Yes I know I've been practicing for weeks", admitted Harry pompously.
Just then, there was a loud "boink", sound accompanied by the instantaneous appearance of a gorgeous woman. " that's something that doesn't happen often", remarked Jel.
She was dressed in a green tubetop, a black bikini bottom, a black gun holster, green nylons "of course they were actually composed of a futuristic bulletproof temperature proof polymer", black knee high leather boots " leather-like actually, they too being composed of a futuristic material made to withstand molten lava", and elbow length black "leather", gloves. she was completely bald on the right side of her head and on the left side was a massive bread loaf sized swoop of dark turquoise shoulder length hair. The bald side of her head had a tattoo of a green squid waving one of it's tentacles. She was wearing black lipstick and a green mirrored scanvizer. Stowed in her gun holster was a voidgun, which used blackholes as an inkwell to pour out a constant high pressure stream of metamatter. The guns low setting could bash the bottom off of an iceburg leaving the tip unscathed, medium setting could knock small moons out of orbit, high setting is best left alone. In her left hand she held a yard long metal rod topped with a blue crystal ball.
This weapon was a standard issue timestik, it destroyed its targets by blowing a bubble in the force of time and projecting the bubble at the intended victim. Just as there is no water inside of an air bubble, there is no time inside of a time bubble. Because of this, when a time bubble passes through a being the bodily functions of the portion of the body hit by the bubble freeze in time, since the rest of the body continues functioning the frozen part is out of sink with the rest of the body, even after the time bubble has moved on, the time damaged bodily organs are always a few seconds off and can never catch up with the rest of the bodies functions, resulting in hemorrhaging, ruptures, organ system failures, and 99.9999999999999996% of the time death.
Zoria pressed on a small 1/4 inch square green tattooed blotch on the back of her hand. immediately, her hair changed a dark green " the United Universe's standard diplomacy shade". " Hey its a woman ", exclaimed Government Cheese. I am Zoria Bacillus of the continuity preservation department of the United Universe I am here to..hey!!! my ship!!".
When Harry looked back on this meeting years later, he knew he had done the right thing. The rest of his thoughts were occupied by his quijillion dollar Neutrino empire. Harry had Omneron scan Zoria's timecraft and interface with it's computer system. Omneron then boinked Harry into the cockpit, reconfigured the telepathic link to Harry's brainwaves, and timeported to the year 2134 and submitted the 2740 model Neutrino transceiver system to the patent office. In a very short span of time Harry became richer and more powerful than Joe Jowe even in the future. This also had the added bonus of erasing Joe Jowe's existence from the future. For an added precaution, Harry had Omneron track down Joe Jowe's address boinked right into his living room and Quantumized him with the last bit of battery charge from his muon gun. Harry also got substantial financial benefit from the peace alliance established by the world governments With Alzergia made possible by his Galactic range Neutrino transmitter array. Harry was now lounging in his sub-graviton Flote-patio chair planning his next move. He had to find a way for Earth+ to survive being turned into a whiff of space gas.
" I dunno a whole planet to save and I don't even know what blew it up in the first place. Omneron, you got any suggestions?". A solid hexagonal column-like head floated on an inflatable alligator in the Pacific Ocean Harry had fenced in to be his private swimming pool. Omneron thought awile then answered " what if we go back in time and see what blew it up? then, we could go back in time again and stop it".
" I suppose that makes sense, okay then I'll get my things together" said Harry enthusiastically. A few short hours later Omneron and Harry pulled out of metaspace in the year 1993 in their Time Lamborgini " having also patented the timepod and buying the coolest spinoff of the technology".
" Okay Omneron boink me down to the surface and boink me back up if you see anything up here".
" Will do", Omneron replied as he gave a thumbs up gesture with his body he had custum built to match his sologramic ceramic head.
It was a fairly average day on planet Earth, that's is, until there was a loud "boink" sound accompanied by the simultaneous appearance of a very gawky looking goon in sweatclothes and red rubber superhero boots. He stood there looking very annoyed
" This isn't Earth+, this must be that other Earth on the other side of the sun I went to in the future, except in the past. It's pretty boring without the future going on too".
Just then, he realized he was standing in the middle of the freeway. Before he could twitch an eyelash, let alone get away, he was smashed into by a tractor trailer truck going 80 MPH.
Omneron was monitoring the situation from space, suddenly, he lost all contact with Harry's brainwaves. " Must be sunspots, I'll go around". Omneron flew the Time Lamborgini to a more advantageous location near the back of the sun when he noticed another Earth with a big black "+" sign stamped onto the middle of America and Canada.
" Oh, that Earth+", just then, a ripple in the plotline smacked into the Time Lambourgini full speed and reduced the Lambourgini to space gas. Fortunately, Omneron's plot proof enamel allowed him to survive, Unfortunately, the ripple never destroyed Earth+ ,thus changing history so that Harry never went to the future to meet the other Zone Dweebies, so he never brought Omneron to the past to get a body in the first place. Omneron realizing this disappeared with a "POP!". Harry of course, didn't know what had just gone on, being in a coma for the past few months so he was pretty much stuck on Earth and in the past. Harry wondered why Omneron never made psychic contact. As the years sped by, he gave up on telepathy and tried making verbal contact by screaming to the heavens into the wee hours of the morning. Just when it seemed that all hope was lost, he was arrested for disturbing the peace. When he explained his reasons for the screaming, he was sent to a mental institution . As the decades whizzed by like a distorted dream at the state mental hospital, Harry wondered if it was all worth it in the end, but the Mister Ed reruns and the shock treatments constantly reminded him that it was.
The Harold Horatio Hartcort Hembock case, revolutionized the treatment used on Complex fantasy disorders in the field of psychotherapy and made several pop psychology authors rich.
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First Trailer: Russell Crowe In “The Exorcism”
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