Shmegalamonga

The Power Of Music

2012-01-29T22:34:00.000-08:00

Jukebox Heroes!!
They've got stars in their eyes!!

Yellow Submarine

The film-

The Beatles go on a quest to save a magical land from food wielding monsters.

So...it's kind of the precursor to Super Mario Bros (the games) in structure.

But, with Beatles music.

And, it came first.

The history-

I actually haven't seen this in ages.

Like, since the early 80's when it was on Channel 56.

I miss channel 56....

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band

The film-

So....you've got various Beatles songs acted out, and intertwined....but....no Beatles.

You get BeeGees instead....huh.

All right....

Well, you get Steve Tyler, and Alice Cooper as villains, and Earth, Wind, and Fire pop up, who you'll remember from "blaxploitation".

So, that's kinda neat...

It's an interesting film to watch, especially as a piece of history...buuut, I can't guarantee you'll be glad you undertook the endeavor....

The history-

I've posted the Steve Martin "Maxwell's silver hammer", number before.

Click the link for that...

Phantom of the Paradise

The film-

It's "Phantom Of The Opera", done up in a discotheque.

Paul Williams composes, sings, and stars as the villain.

It's kind of in the "Rocky Horror Picture Show", family of rock opera-ish cult films.

It's...another interesting one.

You'll love it, or hate it.

The history-

Showtime I think....

Anyway, yeah, thanks to word of mouth, and Youtube, the cult for this one has grown, and it's been rescued from obscurity.

Check it out sometime.

KISS Meets The Phantom of the Park

The film-

The basis of the "KISS saves Christmas", special on "Family Guy".

Produced by...Hanna Barbera...it's um...yeah.

Well, at least they use their alleged powers and stuff....

The history-

Never seen it, only clips, looks craptacular.

Unavailable on DVD, out there in the bootleg-verse, I suppose.

Alice Cooper: The Nightmare

The film-

Lower budget than the KISS one, but a heckuva lot better.
Probably because Alice is the better artist.
More rock-opera-y, kinda of a low-rent goth-y "Tommy", with Vincent Price narrating between songs.
I like it.
Hm, came out the year I was born...neat.

The history-

Man, I said it in the 70's reviews, but I wish I'd've been old and aware enough back then to be into Alice, and Ozzy, and KISS, and flicks like "The Warriors", and all that cool shit.

Definitely wouldn't have been a Disco dipshit. Snnkkt, ptoo.

Anyway, like "Phantom of the Park", this doesn't have an official DVD release, so you gotta go fishing.
Only seen clips of this so far, am impressed.

Rock & Rule

The film-

In the distant future, after humans have nuked themselves, animals evolve into the new people.

Mok, an aging rock star, and record mogul, is searching for the perfect voice to be part of a ritual to summon a demon, and end the world...or...something.

He finds what he's looking for in Angel (Susan Roman speaking, Debbie Harry singing).

Hijnks ensue.

The history-

This.

STYX: Kilroy Was Here

The ~~film~~-

Okay, it's a concept album, not a flick, but Styx acted out the rock opera that goes with it onstage for the tour that went with this.

Sadly, it was never made into a complete film, there is a short film out there that's the source of 3-4 of the music videos.
I think a movie of this would have been right up there with "Tommy".

Anyway, this is remembered by most as the source of "domo arigato Mister Roboto!".

And yeah, it's about rock defeating evil.
A lotta people think the bad guys represented "the religious right", but...fuck, the LEFT was in on that anti-rock shit back when this came out.
The right and left were totally in bed on that issue.

There IS no "left", in this fucking country, it's just different flavors of authoritarian bullshit.
The hippie generation sold its soul, fuck them.
And fuck their sniffle-voiced justifications for it.

Anyway...Dino De Young thought it would be a frontal assault, but music was destroyed from within by MTV.
Oh, the irony.
The artists who were putting their art on that fucking thing were embracing a cobra.

The history-

Thank you very much, Mister Roboto.

Journey (the arcade game)

The game-

Eh, it's okay...

The guts of it fleshed out more might have made for a good film, but...it's roughly the same theme as "SGT. Peppers..".
The guys go questing for their magic instruments, and then put on a show.

Of course, it has MIDI versions of Journey songs.
"Separate ways", "lights", "stone in love", and "don't stop believin'", off the top of my head.

Yep...I like those beepy computer versions better than the "Glee", assrapes.
Have I mentioned I loathe "Glee", with the fire of a thousand suns?

I wonder if the Journey guys still have one of these machines kicking around.

The history-

I have foggy memories of one at Laverdiere's drug store....
Played it on emulation forever ago on an old computer.
Curiosity is satisfied.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

The film-

Well their rocking isn't magic or nothin...overtly, but apparently, it brings about world piece.

*Looks around*...yeah, might wanna get on that, fellas.

Despite that gaping hole, I still dig this.

The history-

Rental, own it.

Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey

The film/history-

See here.

Also, when Wyld Stallions finally learns to play at the end, it's really KISS.

GWAR: Phallus In Wonderland

The film-

Haven't seen it, sounds like a hoot from the description though.

The boomers lost their rebellious balls, but at least we've got guys like this fucking trying.

The history-

I smiled big hearing Kurt Loder have to say this title with barely contained contempt in his voice.

Green Jellö: Cereal Killer

The film-

If such a thing as a parody of GWAR were possible, these guys would be it.
The source of "three little pigs".

The history-

Got the soundtrack to this on tape.
Lotta happy times.

Tenacious D in The Pick Of Destiny

The film-

Well, you got cameos by Meatloaf, and Dio, and they have a battle of the bands vs. David Grohl as Satan, so, yeah, there ya go.

If that ain't the power of rockin' savin' the day WTF do ya want?

The history-

Rental.

Daft Punk: Interstella 5555

The film-

Goes back to Alice Cooper's "The nightmare", of playing out the whole album as a concept.
Here, it's Daft Punk's "discovery".

Daft Punk and anime fans will enjoy.

The history-

Was played on MTV cut up into individual videos, then released to DVD.

All right, rerun time...

Heavy Metal

The film/history-

Well, duh!
See here.
Makes a great double-feature with "Rock & Rule".

Michael Jackson: Moonwalker

The film/history-

See here.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai:
Across The Eighth Dimension

The film/history-

Well, he's got a band...
See here.

Howard The Duck

The film/history-

Well...Howard can play...
See here.

Honorable mentions...

Ones that didn't have films...but protected the freedom music represents with music itself.
Literally, as a superpower.

The Dazzler (Marvel Comics)

A mutant with the power to convert sound into light, could create her own light show to go with her singing.
Could also rollerskate.
Marvel came incredibly close to making a movie of her in the 70's.
In fact, she was created with a movie in mind.
"Xanadu", kinda beat 'em to the punch.

Jazz (The Transformers)

Dazzler's powers, more or less, plus a kick-ass earsplitting bass sound system.
One might cal it...disco-mbobulation.
Voiced by Scatman Crothers.
Miss ya, Scatman.

JEM

Jem was truly outrageous, truly, truly, TRULY outrageous.

80's Dazzler essentially, illusion powers were technologically hologram based rather than a mutant thing.

If her holography had been applied to personal computing, it would have launched us forward 30 years.
Her commitment to music was that dedicated, and well...narrowly focused.

Col. Bluegrass (Silverhawks)

Had a guitar that fired a laser stream with notes floating through it.
The song, and intensity of the playing seemed to make a difference.
The limits of this weapon are unknown.

Dante (Devil May Cry 3)

Yeah, it may be fun to vicariously watch, and wish for a guitar weapon, but in DMC3, you can finally PLAY that fucker!!
Weedla, weedla, WOW, muthafuckas!

Best....weapon...EVER.

And that's the power of fuckin' rock n' roll, baby!

Up next, Chicks, Man!

Paramilitary Groups

2012-01-28T18:12:00.000-08:00

These were hard to pin down, lotta Army movies about the official U.S. Army, not so much mini-pseudo-armies.

Thought there'd be more.
Really.

Gordon's War

See here.
(Under "Ossie Davis")

Brotherhood of Death

See here.
(Under "The Revolution")

Angel's Brigade

The film-

A.K.A "Angel's Revenge".

It's "Charlie's Angels", meets "The A-Team", but way before "A-Team".

So..."A-Team", is actually a ripoff of "Angel's Brigade".

Knowing that makes me smile for some reason...

The history-

MST3K did this one.

MegaForce

The film-

Preeeetty much the basis for the cartoon/toy line "M.A.S.K".

I mean, they ripped it, lock, stock, and barrel.

Ace Hunter = Matt Tracker?

Not even subtle.

So, you got a flying motorcycle, a truck with a hologram projector, various gadget-mobiles that dance the edge of Transformers.

Sounds better than it actually is in execution.

The history-

Watched back-to-back at a friends birthday, along with "Ice Pirates".
Good times.

Red Dawn

The film-

Ooooh, oookayyy....I've been rough on this one over the years, time to let go of the bile...

Oh, I still think Milius is politically batshit, but....

Well, lately, I think of it this way, if little black-power kids got "Gordon's War", I guess little flag-waving honkeys deserved "Red Dawn".

The history-

This one had Liberal critics foaming, and frothing, and shooting sparks.
Given the Tipper Gore thought-police shit they were in on back then, maybe that's a good thing.
Maybe Milius needs not just an apology, but a medal....

No...this is...this is still...still so awful...

Starship Troopers

The film-

Paul Verhoeven's second satirical masterpiece after "Robocop".

I'm so damned glad this man existed.
*Wipes a happy tear from corner of eye*

So, it's army guys versus bugs, which may seem like a rip of "Aliens", at first blush, but the novel came WAY before.

The history-

Rented once, ran right out, and fuckin' bought it.
Gotta upgrade it to DVD.
One of those Essential Geek Films.

Team America: World Police

The film-

From here...

Eh, it's no South Park The Movie, but it's got some laughs.
Sadly, some people missed the satire, and took the "america, fuck yeah!", shit at face value.
Yikes.

Oof...those fuckin' Bush years, I tell ya...

Yeah...I stand by that rough-draft assessment, I guess...

And, this is the one exception to what I said in my "Orgasmo", review.

The further out it gets, the more I see this one as what the 00's boiled down to, the way "Saturday Night Fever", is the disco 70's.

The history-

Eh, nothin fancy.

The A-Team

The film-

Fuggin remakes...*mumble, grumble*

Ah, well, I can loophole the show in with this...(see below)

The history-

From here...

Eh...
Wasn't a fanboy for it, I could take it or leave it.
Oh, heh, there was one time, they were trapped in a warehouse, and they built a fucking forklift out of junk, and powered it by burning,...I shit you not, fertilizer.
My friend's dad goes "so, you think horseshit could really get that going?".
My dad goes "nah, nothing short of BULLshit would burn hot enough".
Heehee, that about sums that show up for me.

Reruns!

Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

See here.

G.I. Joe

See here.

Small Soldiers

The film/history-

Man, this army really is mini, and really is pseudo...

Shoulda chucked them in with "Silico-Sapians", shouldn't I?
Ah, well...

Anyway, see here.

The Avengers

The film/history-

Yeah, they're kind of an adjunct to S.H.I.E.L.D. aren't they?
Good enough...

See here.

Thunderbirds

The film/history-

The live-action version of the marionette show, that was the basis for "Team America".

Imagine Voltron if the cars didn't turn all the way into Voltron.
And, the human characters are dull as dust.
Yep, that.

See here.

And...that's all I could find, or remember...

Up next...The Power Of Music!!

Out Of This World!

2012-01-27T21:44:00.000-08:00

Or, "Things What Plopped Outta The Sky".

So, here, we have a list of benevolent beings that arrived on Earth "from away".

"But Mike, in the last one, you had a buncha malevolent cyber-beings!".

Weeell....that gets a bit dicey...like King Arthur's rapist dad, leave him out, no King Arthur, western literature looks a whole lot different.

Can't have the good robots without the bad robots in their family tree.

Can't have the Monty Python Holy Trinity without the creepy sincere Bible pics.
It's how that goes.

But, this one, I try to skew towards good.

So, as with last time, there are hundreds, if not thousands of flicks with this theme, I'll try to stick to a (relatively) small list of notables.

The Day The Earth Stood Still

The film-

A friendly humanoid alien employs some..."gentle terrorism", to try to get humanity to cut out its bullshit.

Also, he has a robot buddy with death ray eyes.
Klaatu Barada Nikto, Gort.

The history-

Cable.
Also, fuck the remake.

The Dr. Who Movies

The films-

I've heard they're terrible, but I'd love to see them.

Anyway, The doctor is a human in these, cuz the show producers/writers hadn't decided that he was from Gallifrey yet, or had regenerations, or any of that.

But, I'll use these flicks to loophole him in anyway, as the stories are rips from episode arcs.

Shows included, he counts as a friendly alien.
He's saved the Earth like, what, 700 times, or something?

That oughtta be good enough.

The history-

From here....

Doctor Who (TV movie)

Yeah, this is a bit corny in hindsight, but I dug it.
This was supposed to herald a new Who series, and it would've been great, but it fizzled.
We wouldn't get a real new series for a decade.
Helluva wait.
Always a helluva wait for us geeks.
Well, everything finally paid off in the 00's and 10's, so...things are sweet for us at last.
But now it looks like the world's gonna blow up...
We could really use a real Doctor about now.

And from here...

Doctor Who (ninth doctor, new series)

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nuff said.

The Man Who Fell To Earth

The film-

Tch, we didn't get many Bowie movies...

In these lists, only this, "The Hunger", and "Labyrinth".

Anyway, in this one, he's an alien come to Earth to bring water back to his home planet that's experiencing severe drought, but he gets waylaid by addiction, malaise, and human jackassery.

Very...70's.
*Grin*

The history-

Cable.

Cat From Outer Space

The film-

A kitty cat comes to Earth looking for gold to power his ship.

Luckily, he has a translation collar on, which also gives him telekinesis.

Otherwise, he just would have chirped, trilled, mayowed, and flashed his asshole, movie over.

...well, see, there's another remake for me write...

Why include this?
I'm a cat person.

The history-

80's Disney channel.

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial

The film/history-

From here...

Yhep, 'nother one that made me bawl.
Damn you, Speilberg.

Hmm, had Drew Barrymore's Playboy pics on the old computer...shoulda kept those...
How 'bout that, Ricky?
Didja forsee cyberporn?
Why, I bet not!

Well...no, I bet someone did forsee it, they had porno Atari games...people have always strapped sex onto every new technology....

Course, "Ricky", is Ricky Schroder from "Silver Spoons", so...from the same entry...

Oh, funny thing, there was an episode where Ricky accidentally hacks into the defense department, and sees a top-secret plane, but the funny part, is either him, or his nerd friend says that "someday, we'll use computers for shopping, everything".
Lol.
Got Amazon a couple mouse clicks from here.

And...Ricky didn't predict cyber-porn, but.."Android", did!

XTRO

The film-

Okay, XTRO is an evil alien, but, I gotta pick this one apart somewhere...

XTRO's (BTW, this word is never spoken in the film) mission is...very elaborate, and totally nonsensical.

All right, so, kidnap a random Earthling, and abscond with him for years.

Mutate him into a member of your own species.
Possibly brainwash him, we don't quite know, maybe the metamorphosis itself does this.

Send him back to his planet in this mutated form.

Mutated human/alien then impregnates a human female with a mouth-sucker thingy, and human/alien mutant thing dissolves into a puddle of greenish goo.

Then, mutant clone-reincarnates as his own adult human self, and rips out of the female's womb, killing her horribly.
After a vigorous shower, and stealing some clothes, it's down to business.
Obviously all human concepts of morality are gone in Alien-guy, as this whole bit of business is shrugged off with utter indifference, as if it were taking a piss.

Alien-guy goes back to his human family, and acts ridiculously suspicious about where he's been all this time.

Alien-guy does various weird shit, like eating snake eggs, and sniffing gas out of the heater.

Alien guy infects his human son with alien DNA with a simple neck bite, and some green pulsating sacs sprouting at the bite site.

Alien-son starts manifesting telekinetic powers that culminate in manifesting solidified images, such as attack panthers, and life-sized toys that kill.
Alien-son's morals are apparently gone too.
And these foolish murders serve no purpose.
Certainly not any sort of mission.

Son infects babysitter with neck bite, she sprouts a giant egg-laying womb, and starts shitting giant squishy eggs, and green slime into the bathtub.
Luckily, she seems catatonic during all this.

Alien-son projects a dwarf clown based on one of his toys, and dwarf clown puts the eggs, and several gallons of the slime, into the emptied out, and lain down, kitchen refrigerator.

Alien-guy starts morphing back into his alien self, Alien-son also starts changing, alien ship comes for them, beams them up with a ridiculously drawn out form of teleportation that radiation-burns the only human witness, the mother.

The mother goes home, gets mouth-suckered by a tadpole thing that busts out of one of the fridge-eggs.

All right, so, clearly, the whole thing was meant as a yecchhy form of invasion.

But...it makes no sense.

If your DNA is that virulent a pathogen, acting that quickly...what do you even need eggs for, just keep biting people.
I mean, you see how quickly the plague spreads in zombie movies, you'd have everything gone to mayhem and shit within months, if not weeks.

And...if your DNA is that powerful, why did they have to run off with the first guy to become Alien-guy for so long?

And....if this guy is so radically transformed, that he commits acts he'd have never done as a human, then, he truly isn't himself anymore.
But, if he isn't himself, why would the other aliens acquiesce to his wish to retrieve his human son?
These are just leftover memories and drives from the host.

If this whole thing is an elaborate form of invasion...why be so sneaky?
Unload an army of thousands of infectors, and go to town.

Or, shit, they've got this freaky solid-dream-projection telekinesis, they could take the capital in hours with like, five of them.

Creatures this powerful should theoretically be unstoppable.

And....if Alien-guy was snorting stove gas...clearly our environment isn't suitable for these creatures anyway.
Why turn us all into a lifeform that isn't fit for this atmosphere?
Are the transformed human populace going to terraform Earth to suit their needs?

How, exactly?
And if they have that technology, why fuck around with invasion at all?
Genesis-wave Earth into a nice place for XTROS from orbit.
They have matter manipulation, they use that radioactive transporter thing.

Or hell, they could all telepathically link, and group dream it up.

But shit, at that point, beings this powerful shouldn't even need to invade anywhere, there's nothing we could possibly give them that they'd need.
Our culture? They don't give a shit.
Our tech? Worthless junk.
Genes? Theirs devour everything in their path.
Raw resources?
They could gobble up asteroid belts. Way more raw matter there for 'em than our puny planet.

Yeah, this movie is just fuckin' stupid.

These are the kind of hack writers that did The Bible.
All going for momentary gut reactions, no working the actual plot out for logic.

It's just to get in your head, and make you feel creepy, and maybe puke.
Maybe to get you laid with a frightened date at the drive-in.
Did it ever play there?
If not, XTRO fails utterly.

Lamest invasion ever, XTRO.
Dr. Who could clean up this sad mess before teatime.
It wouldn't even qualify for a whole episode, it would be throwaway dialog with Rose.

The history-

Always saw that box at Nicely's for years, but that image always creeped me out, and I could never work up the nerve to rent it.
Bought it from them when they emptied out their VHSes.
The above review reflects my reaction.
Put it out to the curb for the garbage man last year when I needed more DVD shelf space.
Couldn't find anyone that wanted it.
You literally can't give VHS away anymore, it's sad.

StarMan

The film-

Now, resolve all the logic problems I laid out with XTRO, and hire good actors, and you get a proper fucking movie.

XTRO's control matter and energy?
What do they even need bodies for?

Well, here you go, an energy being comes to Earth, directly clones a woman's dead husband from a bit of hair, and makes a body from scratch to pose as human to learn from us.

No messy cleanup, no need to kill anyone, no muss, no fuss.

And, if it were an invasion, his people could wipe us out, and there'd be no movie.
So, we get this instead.

Jeff Bridges does a great job in this, he plays the role like something controlling his body, and figuring out how to puppet it.
Very inspired.
Great performances by everybody.
Good movie.
Good damned movie.

Schlock like XTRO is there to make me better appreciate the good stuff.
Thank you, XTRO.

The history-

I don't remember it being box-office boffo like E.T.
If I recall right, it was a sleeper that did better on HBO and VHS.
And, it's part of the John Carpenter pantheon.
I always forget, because it's not his usual type of flick.
It's usually cynical social satire, or flat out doomsday prediction.
Maybe he just likes aliens better than people...*shrug*

Meatballs Part II

The film-

The only resemblance to the first one, is that it's at a camp.

So, this one has an E.T. knockoff that gets named "Meathead".

He's got telekinesis like E.T. but, he does "wacky", stuff with his powers.
Also, he speaks perfect English.
Well, it makes sense, why wouldn't an alien with telepathy instantly absorb the language?

Everything else is....well, "Spaceship", levels of awful.

I include it, cuz the whole E.T. thing rippled through the culture for a helluva while, and I needed an example, and this one jumps right out.
Parodies, clones, it almost lasted the decade.

The history-

HBO.

The Brother From Another Planet

The film-

Miles Bennet Dyson from T2 is an alien slave on the run from his captors.

He has telekinesis, and can pluck out his eye, and leave it places, and still see through it.
He also has three big toes that he hides under shoes.
And, he's mute.
Other than that, he passes as a regular black man, and struggles to fit in.

This was 5 years too late for "Blaxplotaion", but it would have fit right in.
Good stuff.

The history-

HBO.
I had a teacher who was just nutso for this flick.

Morons From Outer Space

The film-

I almost included this in "Space Spoofs", but...it's not spacy enough, it's more about them coming here.
So...I created this category to house it, actually.

Right, so, this is from the director of Flash Gordon, can ya believe it?

So...it's kind of a goofball satirical take on "The Man Who Fell To Earth".

The Morons crash on Earth, and become media celebrities in our dipshit TV culture...and that's it, they have no great secrets of the universe to impart, or technologies to share.

And, that's it, they live here forever.
No one bothers to come for them.

Ah, they don't make movies like this anymore...tch...

The history-

HBO.

Earth Girls Are Easy

The film-

So, Jim Carrey, Jeff Goldblum, and Damon Wayans are fuzzy things, and land on Earth, and are discovered by Julie Brown, and Geena Davis, who shave off their fuzz, except for the strategic human areas, and dye their head hair, and they pass for human.

The aliens and the girls party for a bit, and then all take off into space together.

It's a space hookup, basically.

I miss both Julie Brown, and Geena Davis.
*Sad sigh*
Shit, maybe they did get picked up by aliens.
Someone, go check...

The history-

Basic cable somewhere, I dunno...

The X-Files Movies

The films-

Um...screw 'em actually, I'll just use this space to comment on the whole show.

Suffered from the same problem all these fucking shows do that have a mystery to solve, or a conspiracy to unravel, or a treasure to find, or whatever...

9 times out of 10 the showrunners don't have it fucking planned out, and make the shit up as they go along, and then have to turn around, and hammer it to a shape at the end, and it's a fucking mess.

It happened with "Lost", and it happened here.

The only one that escaped this syndrome, was "Babylon 5", and it was because the whole arc of the show was planned the fuck out.

Anyway, I won't go into it in any detail, as I'm getting worn out, but...suffice it to say, the big conspiracy at the heart of the show when finally revealed, was painful nonsense bullshit that makes XTRO look clever.

Despite this, it's still respected as a cultural fucking icon.

But, so is American Idol....

The history-

Nine years of me hissing and grumbling at the tube for this madness to stop.

I really wouldn't have minded as much, if it hadn't gotten so many people into taking this "paranormal", horseshit seriously.
The plague is still running wild, what with all these fucking ghost shows.

When ghosts run their course, it'll be the next cultural abomination.
Let's hope it's Goblins.
That'd be a fucking laugh.

Rerun time...

Superman

The film/history-

Definitely a friendly alien, saved the world more times than even Dr. Who.

See here.

Critters

The film/history-

Well, they're bad, but, the bounty hunters that come after them aren't.

See here and here...

The Transformers

The film/history-

Man, they cover a lotta categories, don't they?

So, they're extraterrestrials, and, unlike, say, XTRO, they blend in technologically, rather than organically.
I've always respected that.
Lifeforms that don't want to cover me in gloop, or foul our women go up a few points on my scale of goodness.

Anyway, see here...

Star Trek: First Contact

The film/history-

We get the attention of the Vulcans by inventing warp, they land in Montana, and this moment in history creates the whole Star Trek universe.

Now that's an alien encounter you can sink your fuckin' teeth into.
None of this "no one believes you, and everything back to normal", bullshit.

See here.

Galaxy Quest

The film/history-

So, this time, they come cuz they think you're a space hero, and wanna take you on an adventure?
Gimme some of THAT!

How much cooler is that than a stupid fuckin' anal probing?
Have I mentioned Whitley Strieber needs to be killed by a firing squad?

Anycrap, see here.

The Return Of Captain Invincible

The film/history-

Well....while not technically an alien as such...aliens did whizz by in a saucer, and zap his mom and dad while they were boning to conceive him.

So...it's actually a hybrid of the origins of both Superman, and Hugo Danner.

And...that bit of genetic tinkering had a much better result than...(wait for it)...XTRO.

See here.

And, that's those.

Up next, Paramilitary Groups.

Silico-Sapiens

2012-01-27T00:05:00.000-08:00

Machine intelligence, it's creeping up on us.
Look at the big deal they made out of Deep Blue back in the day, and then what a leap ahead Watson is compared to that.
And with each quantum jump, you get the same dope-voiced media cries of "oh no! Thkynet! Thkynet!! Derp!".

No Luddite am I. I say bring it the fuck ON!

So, here are, not all, but, a nice slab-sized chunk of the good part of the cake, of cinema's look forward to our silicon grandchildren birthed of the mind.
The positive, the negative, and the cheesey.

Metropolis

The film-

The first robot period, the first A.I. robot, the first laser scan, the first neural transfer into a robot, and, the robot is scanned into human form, so, the first android to boot.
All in the character of Maria/Hel.
Course, these technologies aren't called any of those things, but...if it walks and quacks...
What would you call it?

Plot wise?
Dehumanization of the labor force, workers revolutions, treacherous industrialists, seems a bit "blah", to us now, but remember, these mundane things were dystopian sci-fi to people of 1927!

This film heavily visually inspired Blade Runner.

And, the look of C-3PO in Star Wars.
I mean, shamelessly, Ralph McQuarrie admits he did a direct lift as a starting point.

Also, similar themes were explored 9 years later in Charlie Chaplin's "Modern Times".
Minus the robot, and plus a malfunctioning feeding machine.

The history-

TCM.
Also, the lost footage of this was finally found, and a restored DVD of the whole film released at last.

Forbidden Planet

The film/history-

Well, DUH! Robbie!

Still a damned classy looking robot.
You could plunk him down in a movie today, and he'd be impressive.

Anyway, see here.

The Invisible Boy

The film-

Robbie again!

This....could work as a sequel/prequel to "Forbidden Planet", and they really do heavily hint it that way.

Set in present day (1957 at the time), where Robbie is found dismantled in the garage of a now (presumed) dead scientist, who's left behind some pretty clear evidence that he had a time machine, and acquired Robbie in the future.

So, it's not much of a leap to suppose he was brought back to Earth after FP, where he met the scientist.

So anyway, a super computer (called simply "the Super Computer") is built based on studying Robbie's innards (shades of T2 there) and the computer goes bad, and becomes, essentially, the first Skynet.

It's first order of business, hypnotizing, and sleep-learning the son of the scientist who constructed it, Timmie, to track down, and reconstruct Robbie, and bring him (Robbie) to him (Super Computer).

This is done, and Super Computer plugs into Robbie, turns him bad, and fiddles with his chest-replicator in such a way as to augment his atomic structure, and make him invincible.

Then, bad-Robbie makes an invisibility potion for the lad, to further exploit him somehow in SC's machinations, hence the title.

Eventually, SC is defeated, Timmie is restored to visibility, and Robbie is restored to goodness, and all is well.
But not before Robbie tussles with the Army for a bit to demonstrate his upgrades.

Neat little flick.

The history-

TCM

2001: A Space Odyssey

The film-

HAL, baby.

Um, nothing I can add, everything in the whole wide world has been said about this.

Buy the DVD.

The history-

I have the DVD.

2010: The Year We Make Contact

The film-

Eh....if you ask me, 2001 didn't need a sequel.

So...at least they reboot HAL.

Some stuff about the USA and Russia working together, which was taboo stuff in Reagan's America.
Something about Jupiter turning into a star.

It's a bit fuzzy.

I do know they kinda laid bare the stuff in 2001 that was left vague, and for the audience to figure out for themselves.
Yeah, I really don't like that.
It's like they took 2001, and stuck training wheels on for the slow kids.
Nosir, I don't like it.

Well, interesting film in its own right, but again, as a sequel...eh...

The history-

HBO, TCM.

Colossus: The Forbin Project

The film-

The real grandaddy of Skynet.

Oh, sure, "Super Computer", was the first evil A.I. in a box, but, Colossus has internet access, so, you've got that creepy "tentacles around the world", "eyes everywhere", and access to the nukes paranoia thing going on.

The history-

Haha, they played this way back on TNT's "Monstervision".
I miss Monstervision.
I also miss "100% Weird".

TCM plays this sometimes too.

Course, TCM is what TNT used to be.
Damned fragmenting channels....
It's like TV tectonics.

Westworld

The film-

No two ways about it, Yul Brynner was the original Terminator.

Plug Yul into Colossus, you've got "Terminator", as a flick.
Bam.

Arnold was supposed to star in a remake of this in the 90's.
Eh...a bit too on the nose, doncha think?
It'd've just been an alternate T3 with cowboy hats.

Anyway, here, the mayhem is caused by an emergent computer virus.
The first time the idea was used in SF, I think.
I'm sure it was well known in early programmer circles, but, this is the first occurrence in a film that I know of.

Anyway, as you probably know, this was written by Michael Crichton, of Jurassic Park fame.
Eh....he was a mixed bag....let's leave it at that...

The history-

TNT/A&E/AMC/TCM

I really oughtta buy this.

Futureworld

The film-

The sequel to "Westworld", and....it's both awful, and fascinating at the same time...

The script, and acting, are bland, clunky, stilted shit....BUT...the science ideas jump out and bite you on the ass.

On display as an effect, is the first 3-D laser scan of a human face.
Yeah! In fucking 1976!
Oh, it's clunky, and rubbery looking, and you just know it took a reel-to-reel supercomputer running red hot to render it, when today, a laptop can run that shit, but...it's spooky to see seemingly out of time.

Also, I gotta believe it inspired Crichton's "Looker", who's whole plot revolved around scanning models.
And that film is creepily prescient about the way society is going now.
But...there's no A.I. in that one, so...

We also get as SF concepts, holographic VR, neural interface VR, and other goodies that would become SF staples.

And, of course, there's the robots, they're back.

So, as a piece of storytelling art, piece of shit, as a "World's Fair", set to celluloid, fuckin' kick-ass.

The history-

TCM.
I love you, TCM.

Demon Seed

The film-

Here, the Skynet-ish computer (Proteus) doesn't give a fuck about taking over the world so much, as busting out of his box, by making a living body.

He accomplishes this, by seizing control of the automated household of the wife of one of the chief scientists who constructed him, and holding her hostage, and devising a way to knock her up with his engineered clone baby imprinted with his intellect.

The film and the book have different endings.
The flick, he succeeds, the book, he doesn't.

Written by Dean R. Koontz, he seems to have intended this as a cross between luddite-ism, and a parody of misogyny, which he seems to find inherent to males.
How do I know this?
He said so in the intro of the latest re-issue.

Well, his awful politics/religion aside, this is a good thriller.

Think gender-reversed "Misery", with a robot.

The history-

The film on TNT ages ago, the first re-issue of the book back in the late 90's, the new intro of the latest re-issue read at the grocery store 3 years ago in horrified bewilderment.

WarGames

The film-

Generation X's "Dr. Strangelove".

You'd be hard pressed to find an Xer who in their deepest heart of hearts, doesn't dimly suspect, that this movie stopped the Cold War.

The history-

HBO

Electric Dreams

The film-

A dude (somehow) buys...the most magical PC I've seen to this fucking day, but in the 80's, gives it control of his house, tries to download...the whole world, it goes crazy, he spills wine on it, shorts it out, and then it boots back up with a spark of consciousness, that grows into an intelligence.

This A.I.-by-accident falls in love with the (literal) girl next door who the guy is also making a play for, and it becomes a love triangle between the guy, girl, and computer.

The story is saccharine, and corny, but, I remember it fondly from my childhood for the computer graphic effects, and the ideas of what home computers would someday be able to do.

Right this minute, our PCs can do just about all of them.

Music editing, music visualization plugins, video editing, photo editing, video capture, photo capture off a video, the whole shmeal.

I just wish I knew what magic computer store Miles shopped at back then.

I also remember it for the synth-riffic MTV-ready soundtrack.
In fact, this thing is really constructed like a collage of music videos stitched together.
So, it's the first "MTV movie".

The history-

So, part of my make-believe play back then had a steadily running story thread of having a computer like Edgar.
Back then, he was C.H.I.P.S., but then, he made his way into the comics as Omneron (See Harry Hembock).
And now, I've got this thing *gestures at the screen*.
So, full circle.

Anyway, here's a couple 80's-tacular songs...

Yeah, you're watching that on a computer.
A clip of a movie, about a computer, that used to be sci-fi, on your computer.
Do ya ever stop to marvel at that?
I do all the time.

Max Headroom:
20 Minutes Into The Future

The film-

The first film that could be called "cyberpunk", that I'm aware of.

So, Edison Carter (played by Matt Frewer) investigates some dirty dealings by some Orwellian TV Execs, and ends up chased around by hired street goons, crashes his motorcycle, is presumed dead, and in an attempt to replace him, they have an amoral computer wiz kid scan his brain to replace him on-air with an A.I. facsimile, but the simulation is glitchy, and becomes Max Headroom (also Frewer).

Course, it turns out Edison survived, and he and Max co-exist.

Meanwhile, Max ends up in the hands of punker video pirates who patch him in to their pirate broadcast, and he becomes an instant celebrity that crashes the ratings of the evil network, and ruins their dirty double dealings.

Aaanyhoo, this whole thing is really a subversive sendup of the state of television, as is the character of Max himself.
With his plastic hair and teeth, and herky-jerky personality, he's clearly a rip on the plastic people that were already hosting news, and especially entertainment news shows.

Of course, the info-tainment atmosphere of news has only gotten worse in the past 20-something years, so Max becomes more and more timely as this shit goes on.

Max would love Fox News.
And he'd take to Youtube like a fish to water.

The history-

HBO.

This isn't (readily) available on DVD.
Such is the pity.

D.A.R.Y.L.

The film-

So, with Max, it was a human mind in a computer, this one, it's a computer mind in a human.

So, the government makes a test tube conceived kid with a micro-computer brain wi-fi'ed to a room of super computers.
So that, normal human life experience will program this A.I. better than any programmer could, and then grow up into some kind of super-soldier.

I love how they skim over that the creation of this kid involves performing a brain-abortion...

And...come to think of it, DARYL is what Proteus-baby might have grown into...

Anyway, the kid busts out, stumbles into and becomes part of a normal suburban family, and then hi-jinks ensue when the evil government traces him down.

The history-

HBO

Flight of the Navigator

The film-

So, here, the A.I. is extraterrestrial, and the heart of a spaceship.

All right, the ship abducts this kid, pumps his head full of star charts to test his brain capacity, but, his brain "leaks", and he forgets the experience of being on the ship, and then it drops him off where it picked him up, but time-dilated 20 years into the future.

BUT, the ship gets its own systems scrambled by some power lines, and needs the star charts in the kid back, so, re-abducts him, scans him, and the ship gets some of the kid's personality blended in too, and turns into...Pee-Wee Herman.

All of this to set up the kid and Pee-Wee-Ship going on adventures.

Eh, cute flick.
Liked it as a kid.
Now, probably not as much.

The history-

HBO

Short Circuit

The film-

So, the government...geez, Hollywood hated the military in the 80's....makes adorable killer robots, and one of them is struck by lightning, and becomes conscious (much like Edgar, and the wine) and (like DARYL) busts loose, meets normal people, and hi-jinks ensue.

In the sequel, more hi-jinks.
But lamer.

Fisher Stevens's "Indian guy", is just some straight up racism.
We thought this shit was cute.
We were stupid.

These haven't aged well.

...at least there's Ally Sheedy in the first one.
If you had a crush on her from "The Breakfast Club", hey, here you go, more of her....
...getting ogled by a robot, but hey....least it didn't go the "Demon Seed", direction....

Although...that might have actually been funny...
Come on, let me write the remake, Hollywood.

The history-

HBO.

Circuitry Man/Circuitry Man II

The film-

So...Circuitry Man is what I like to imagine DARYL grows up into...after the nuclear apocalypse.

A psychotic homicidal electricity/input addict.

The history-

B-movie cheese off of scrambled Cinemax.

Bicentennial Man

The film-

A "ripoff", of Data's character arc on TNG, but Data was a ripoff of Asimov in the first place.

Anyway, here, it gets taken all the way to robots evolving into humans.

Making the point, we're already robots.
So, all this blending of human and machine...is really just machine and other machine.
Which, totally lets in Max Headroom.

The history-

Basic cable somewhere.

I, Robot

The film-

Asimov minus the heady stuff so....not Asimov so much....

Pretty to look at though....

There is an evil computer in this, for sure.

The history-

Basic cable.

Stealth

The film-

The government makes a super-plane with an A.I. pilot.

So, wait, DARYL piloted a jet at one point, so, he was a computer, piloting a kid, piloting a jet.
So, by transitive property, he was a computer piloting a jet.

Why fuck around with performing disturbing brain-abortions on test tube babies?
Just fucking make the smart jet!

Why is the military so fuckin' stupid in movies?
Aren't there advisers or something?
Do they get pissed?
What goes on?

Anyway, the banter between the pilot guy, and the computer in this reminded me an awful lot of "Flight of the Navigator".
It's "Flight..", for grownups.
Grownups that like to see shit blow up.

The history-

Basic cable just today.
Jogged my memory that his even existed.

And...here's some reruns....

Star Wars

The film/history-

See here.

The Droids totally count.

Star Trek The Motion Picture

The film/history-

See here.

V'Ger, of course.
And, the Ilia probe.

Star Trek: The TNG Films

The films/history-

See here.

Data.

Android

The film/history-

See here.

TRON

The film/history-

See here.

The Master Control Program (MCP) natch.

Terminator Quadrilogy

The film/history-

See here.

Skynet, duh.

Superman III

The film/history-

See here.

The Richard Pryor computer...say, it never got a name, did it?

In an earlier draft, it was supposed to be Brainiac.
Well, you can kinda pretend it was a first evolution....

Weird Science

The film/history-

See here.

Lisa.
Be neat to know how her solidified materialization works...

The Transformers

The film/history-

See here.

An entire race of extraterrestrial A.I. lifeforms.
Hey, maybe they upgraded V'Ger....

A.I.

The film/history-

See here.

Wall-E

The film/history-

See here.

Aaaand, that's those.
Like I said, not a complete list, but...it's a pretty good chunk, if I do say so myself.

Up next....Out of this World!

Blaxploitation, Part 2

2012-01-25T21:34:00.000-08:00

All right, let's just pick right up from last time....

Well, I was gonna save this one for last...but it's too good, I gotta lead with it, damn the consequences...

Three The Hard Way

Now, what's more black pride, than Jim Brown, Fred Williamson, and Jim Kelly literally saving the whole negro race from some funky poisoning in the water supply?

Nothin.
Not even spraying the Grand Cyclops of the Klan with a Tech-9 loaded with onyx bullets engraved with Black Power fists, and using gun powder with Malcolm X's ashes in it.
Well....I dunno, that'd be close...but no, not even that.

So...bam, there you go.

Blaxploitation Star Wars, Raiders, and 2001, rolled into one, right there.

We're done.
Royal flush, I walk away with all the chips.

What? I still gotta do the rest?
Oh...okay....

Williamson Westerns

"Take A Hard Ride", is a Spaghetti Western/Blaxploitation hybrid.
Never thought I'd see the like, but there it is, right in front of me.
This review category has been loaded with surprises.

And look, we got Fred, and the two Jims again!

"Adios Amigo", however has Williamson writing, directing, and producing.
And, you've got Richard Pryor.
Should be the ultimate movie...
But...the BEST user reviews I can find give it a "meh".
I'd still love to see it though.

And while we're on westerns...

Thomasine & Bushrod

The black "Bonny & Clyde", pretty much.
No 70's Beatty flick was safe from "colorization".
Hee hee.

Car Wash

Written by Joel Schumacher.
Yeah, THAT one, "Batman & Robin", and "Lost Boys", Schumacher.

Lest you think the weird Twilight Zone-y connections were done with Part 1.
Nuh uh, no way...

So, this one's got Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Garret Morris, Danny Devito, Bill Duke (the other black guy from Predator), and The Pointer Sisters.
Just to name a few.

And, if I recall correctly, it's the source of the song "Car Wash".

If all of this hasn't made you curious to see it,....what are ya, dead?

Monkey Hustle

Featuring Yaphet Kotto (he gets around in these almost as much as Fred Williamson) and Rudy Ray Moore (of Dolemite fame).

Well, I dunno about your tight asses, but that sells it for me right there.

So, this one, not so big on the um...plot thing, I hear, but neither is Car Wash.
But, Car Wash has the better soundtrack, so is more fondly remembered.

Well, there is an over-arching sorta-plot among the interconnected vignettes, that the various crimes and swindles are part of a larger scheme to prevent a bridge being built that'll destroy the neighborhood.

..somehow, this works out, just trust the filmmakers on this....

The Mack

With Richard Pryor, and Max Julien, who wrote, and co-produced the first "Cleopatra Jones".

Lotta triple-threats in Blaxploitation.

Anyway, The Mack is the definitive Pimp Saga.
It's the "Scarface", indeed, "The Godfather", of pimping.

And speaking of pimps...

Willie Dynamite

...came out a year after "The Mack".

And, was the one I mentioned in relation to "Superfly".
This one comes more highly reviewed than "The Mack", however, so, would seem to be The Thinking Man's Pimp Film.

Hmm, "the thinking man's pimp film", has that word combination ever been uttered before?
Doesn't show up on Google, why, I think it's a first!

Detroit 9000

Starring Hari Rhodes (from "Roots") and Alex Rocco (from lots of stuff, including The George Carlin Show).

White cop, black cop, and corruption everywhere.
Eat it, Lethal Weapon, here's a cop flick with some meat to it.

Another thinking man's blaxploitation film.

Quentin Tarantino has championed the DVD release of this, his mug is even on the box.
(Toldja he'd keep popping up)

That's The Way Of The World

Earth, Wind, and Fire, The Movie.

Bone

Yaphet Kotto again!

Written and directed by Larry Cohen, he of "It's Alive!", "The Stuff", "Maniac Cop", and previous Blaxploitation classics "Black Caesar", and "Hell Up In Harlem".

Another Thinking Man's Film.

Wow, this comes very highly reviewed by IMDB users, "dark satire", "a judgment on America and it's lifestyle", shit, sign me up.
That's totally my bag.
I gotta see it.
I'm sold.

The Black Six

A black biker gang?
Shit, Blaxploitation really did do it all in those 8-9 short years.

*Squints at poster* no fuggin' way! Mean Joe Greene is in this?

I'm tellin' ya, this category has been like Christmas, the surprises just keep a-comin.

Blind Rage

Yeah, we haven't had a Fred Williamson in awhile....

A gang of blind guys, yes, blind guys plan a bank robbery.

Even though the poster shows gun-wielding, they're all also karate masters.

And no, as far as I can tell, it's not a comedy.

Pardon the unintended pun, but, I gotta see that.

The Revolution!

Brotherhood Of Death goes right for it, no pussyfooting, what you always wanted to see, brothers mowing down the Klan.

Savage becomes the leader of a rebel army in...some country somewhere...

In "The Final Comedown", Billie Dee Williams is a black militant who has a shootout with the cops.

And in "The Black Gestapo", a black militant movement takes over a town, and corrupts into a fascist crime organization.
Mack from "Night Court", is the black Fuhrer.
Wow...I dunno what exactly this one is trying to say, and skimming IMDB, I'm not alone...
I get a chuckle that something that fucked up exists though...

Tick...Tick...Tick...

Jim Brown as a sheriff, in what is considered a darker take on the themes in "in the heat of the night".

The Omega Man

Paladin reminds me (thanks Paladin) that this had blaxploitation elements....

See here.

Coonskin

A.K.A "Street Fight".

The old VHS box was right, this film will offend everybody.

The big blaxploitation animated film.
I mean THE, no one else did this.

Barry White, and Scatman Crothers are in it, as is Al (Grandpa) Lewis.

Worth seeing at least once, but it grew on me after the fifth time.
I wish I could step into Toontown, and smack Mickey around with a copy of this.

The Wiz

Oh, fine, let's do this one again...

From here...

Rented this in the 90's as one of my, Hyla, & Spencer's irony fests.
Awful.
Just awful.
You've got the "ease on down the road", number, then the other songs are filler.
And you think Richard Pryor as The Wiz is gonna be awesome, but...nope, weak.
Not his best character.
Hey, remember the whole arc on "the facts of life", when Tootie was trying to become a star by getting in The Wiz, and she didn't get the part, and threw an incredible hissy fit?
Sheesh...
Makes it worse now that I've seen this thing.
I dunno, cast was good, idea was okay...needed better songs...more of 'em.
Wasn't even laughably bad, just...eh.
And that made the evening awful.
You want more bang for your buck at an irony party, dammit.

I've warmed to it on recent repeated viewings on Ovation.
With my memory jogged, there are really about 3-4 memorable songs amongst the filler.
But...still filler.

And Pryor still ain't funny or badass in this.

And, that's it for the blaxploitation decade....

But, now, we jump ahead to....

I'm Gonna Git You Sucka

Keenan Ivory Wayans's 1988 blaxploitation love-letter/parody, and an 80's classic.

This is shortly before "In Loving Color", and long before the Wayanses started making crap like "White Chicks", and "Little Man".

So, this has Jim Brown, Isaac Hayes, Antonio Fargas (Huggy Bear), and Bernie Casey (Cleopatra Jones) from the world of blaxploitation, and up-and-comers, Kadeem Hardison (where is he now?), Chris Rock, and Damon Wayans.

It's fuckin' hilarious, and even better if you've seen some blaxploitation.

Jump ahead another 8 years to....

Original Gangstas

Directed by Larry Cohen (see "Bone") and starring Fred Williamson, Jim Brown, Pam Grier, and Richard Roundtree.

See, this is what I was talking about in my big rant in part 1, blaxploitation heroes versus gangs!

Why, it's "Nigger Charley", of gangsta pictures!

Get 'em!
Get 'em!!

Jackie Brown

Just a year later, came Quentin Tarantino's (him again) love letter to Pam Grier.

Jump ahead another 9 years (dayum!) to....

The Boondocks

Lot of heavy blaxploitation influences, especially the martial arts ones.

A year after that...

Afro Samurai

Clearly, inspired by blaxploitation karate films, but....a "Black Belt Jones", anime would be better in that regard.
It's beautiful for what it is though.

2 years later.....

Black Dynamite

This!

And....not related to any particular film, but just for the hell of it, this!

And...THE END!!!

"Awww HELL no!! I KNOW you didn't just do two whole bigass reviews, and leave out ol' Boxie Brown!".

Well, Boxie...you're just a box....

"I just a WHAT, bitch?".

*Stares silently off into space while being imaginarily cursed out by Boxie Brown*

...up next!
Silico-Sapians!

Blaxploitation, Part 1

2012-01-24T21:57:00.000-08:00

Such a rich genre, where to start?
Hmmm....

Well, there's really no way to dig into this without getting "political", so I may as well just let loose.
Skip ahead to the first picture if you don't wanna hear my manic street preacher ramblings.

First of all, who the hell got exploited?
The checks all cashed, and money don't care what color you are.

But, the name stuck, so I guess let's go with it...cuz no one knows what the fuck you're talking about otherwise...

And, I dunno what I'd call it instead.
Black empowerment, I guess.

But...black empowerment is really human empowerment.
(Keep down any segment of your society, you're only fucking yourself over)

And, we all could use more of that (empowerment), period.

Everything is so fucking soulless and ball-less lately.
Every fucking new song on the radio is another mawkish candy-coated siren song of surrender.
Every 4 out of 5 films is either some shitty evil rom-com that lies to you about what love ought to be, and never fucking is, to unload a fresh bucket of misery on your already hard life.
Or, some sentimental supernatural claptrap about an intelligent horse that loves its owners.
Or, a dolphin, or whatever.
Maybe it's talking puppies, who gives a shit?
And, these insipid lying faces in these dopey films, are almost all white.
Picked by white casting directors, playing out a lifeless script written by white writers.

What fucking doorway to Hell did I open?
And when did it happen?
Did I sleepwalk?
Was that how I missed it?

How about "cinema with goddamn balls"?
"Movies with a muthafucking spine"?
How about that for a fucking title?

Cuz, we damned well know by now, in raw naked 20/20 hindsight, that the people that came up with "Blaxploitation", as a derogatory, are the same lying, slithering, little weasel-fuck weaklings that have made the world the way it is now.
Pathetic.

Where are these films now?
Why aren't they in constant rotation on TCM?

Why aren't they on AMC?

Why can't our children rattle off the titles the way they can Pokemon monsters?

Where are the Shaft and Slaughter action figures in the comic shops?

Why aren't these heroes as celebrated in our culture as Superman, or Robocop?

Shit, where's Pam Grier Barbie?
Last two fuckin' generations of girls have been programmed to think shopping is empowerment.
What the fuck happened?

You know what's really exploitation?
Tyler Perry.
Tyler Perry churns out minstrel shows.
Yeah, I said that shit.
Fuck Tyler Perry.
Madea is "Blaxploitation", muthafucka.

Fuck all the "bitches and hoes", rappers too.
Goofball clowns.

No, the whole damned human race needs "Blaxploitation", back.

In a big fuckin' way, man.

There, now I'm charged up, now we can proceed...

Sweet Seetback's Baadasssss Song

"Rated X by an all white jury".
I love it.

Hey, so, Sweetback hacks a couple dirty cops to death with their own handcuffs?

What's to be offended with there?
That's a necessary public service.
I don't see the problem.
Show it to your kids.
Get 'em up close to the tube.

Soundtrack is by Earth, Wind, and Fire. Yes!
This got the whole genre rolling.
You couldn't even make this now.

Shaft Trilogy

You're daaaamn right!

Accept no substitutes.

Man, can you imagine being a black kid in the 70's, and then Shaft comes along?
I'll never in my life know what that thrill must have been like.

Anyhoo, theme song by Chef from South Park.
Shame how that all ended....

Eh, let's remember better days...

Superfly

Now, see, every culturally illiterate idiot will tell you, Superfly was a pimp.

Superfly was not a pimp.

Superlfy was a reformed coke dealer with the fashion sense of a pimp.

Willie Dynamite was a pimp!

Get this shit right!

Slaughter

No "blaxploitation", review would be complete without Jim Brown.

Here, he's black Punisher before Punisher, essentially.

Vietnam vet, parents killed by the mob, it's pretty close.

Jim Brown, bloody revenge, what's not to love?

Pam Grier

Pam Grier, the queen.
*Nods*

These are the ones that solidified her reputation.

So, with Coffey, you've got a nurse as an anti-drug vigilante.

With Foxy Brown, you've got an anti-drug and prostitution vigilante who cuts a dude's dick off, and puts it in a jar.

With Sheba Baby, she's a vigilante again, trying to stop the mob from shaking down her dad's business.
(Lotta mob action in these...)

But, with Friday Foster, it gets a bit political, with Pam having to stop the assassination of black political figures.
Not just from whitey, but corrupt blacks too.
Treachery is afoot!
Cool!

The Grier/Markov team-ups

These are the ones MADTV parodied with Debra Wilson, and Mo-Collins.

Shit, I gotta see that gladiatorial one, that looks like a hoot....howcome no one tells you about this shit?

Well, I am now.
Pam Grier did a fuggin' Amazon Gladiator picture.
Soak that in.

Other Bad Mamma Jammas

Now, Cleopatra Jones was in the works before Coffey, but Coffey was rushed into production, and beat Cleopatra Jones to the theaters, and became popular first.

Coffey/Foxy/Sheba were vigilantes, but Cleopatra was a full-on secret agent.
Big difference.

Christie Love was an undercover cop.

Lady Coca is just out to find whomever framed her.

TNT Jackson is a karate expert (lotta karate/kung-fu in these) out to avenge her brother.
(Shit, this must be why Boondocks is so full of martial arts references)

And Velvet Smooth is a private detective.

So, you got all the bases covered there.

And no, they're not Coffey clones, as said, Coffey was actually a knockoff of Cleopatra Jones, but got there first.
Like Alexander Graham Bell, and Elisha Gray.
But, screw all that noise, isn't there enough room for multiple chocolate foxes?
I think so.

Ebony, Ivory, & Jade

A.K.A "Fox Force", which was the inspiration for "Fox Force Five", referenced in "Pulp fiction".

Yes, Tarantino is a nut for "blaxploitation", I wish he were writing this.
Or....maybe not, it would be a book, and I'm not trying to do a book, I'm just skimming through, and nodding ya towards stuff you might like.

And, if a funny rant comes to me, hey....

Hammer

The first flick to feature Fred Williamson, the most prolific star of Blaxploitation films, who would even go on to write, direct, and produce.

You may also know him as the black dude in "From Dusk Til Dawn".

Again with Tarantino.
He's gonna pop up a lot too.

Anyway, he's a boxer in this one, and has to save his girlfriend from mobsters (see?) who want him to take a dive.

Black Godfathers

"Black Caesar", and "Hell Up In Harlem", are a duology, and "The Black Godfather", is...some other one.
Didn't have a place for it, tacked it on with the others.

Anyway, first two are Fred Williamson again, and hey....howcome all the black gangsta rappers worship Tony Montana from "Scarface", and not Tommy Gibs from Caesar/Harlem?

Is "Scarface", really the better film/character?
I dunno, you tell me.

The Nigger Charley Trilogy

All kinds of pleasant discoveries researching this.

Like the Pam Grier gladiator thing.

So, you mean to tell me, my militant fantasy of a badass black dude getting revenge in a fuckin' western really happened?
And there was three of 'em?
And they had the balls to have "the N word", in the title?

And the cherry on top, is that it's fuggin' Fred Williamson again?
Holy shit, sign me up for some of that!

Oh, man, westerns are exactly the genre I love to see a bite taken out of!
I mean, really special ones, like The Dollars Trilogy, or "Unforgiven", rise above, but so many of 'em are that inauthentic, white hat vs. black hat, nobody swears, the whores don't have the clap, American pie, cracker-ass, Republican-Disneyland shit.

Go fucking GET 'em Nigger Charley!!
GET 'em!!
*Shakes fist*

Mandingo

So....yeah, I debated back and forth with myself "to Mandingo, or not to Mandingo?".

Yeah,finally, it/they had to go in there.

I dunno, I just know they were controversial, people of both races face-palmed over 'em, and to this day, if you use "Mandingo", in the wrong neighborhood, in the wrong tone, you can still get clobbered.

What goes on?
From what I can gather in the posters, and the 70's SNL parody skit, there's a lot of inter-racial humping.
Everyone's fucking everyone.

...*shrug*...well...that went on!

Must have just been shitty, and/or corny, in execution, I guess....

But..those posters look like they're giving it to the whole "Gone With The Wind", thing.
Which, if so, is fuckin' great, cuz I think that's one's overrated soap-opera shit.
Always have.
I tackle it every ten years as I age, and it's always an eye-roller.
Like with "Nigger Charley", go get 'em!!

They make their own rules!!

Dirty cops, violent detectives, bounty hunters.

You had the whole gamut there.

And hey, the character from "Trouble Man", was called "Mr. T".
Come on, that can't be a fuggin' coincidence...

Hey, Isaac Hayes (A.K.A. Chef) did one!
And his had a potty mouthed Nichelle Nichols!
Can't beat that!
I'm gonna just go ahead and assume that's the best of this bunch, and move on.

But, hey, Jim Brown, and Fred Williamson again....

These had to have been the Shaft knockoffs...

Love Machines!

Yeah, the poster for "Black Shampoo", I get a kick out of the most.
Take that, Warren Beatty!
Not only does Black Shampoo service all the ladies, he'll fuckin' mess you up too!

Meanwhile, Black Samson is a club owner who tries to keep drugs off his streets,...and then the MOB messes with him!
All that's missing is karate there...

So, there you go, these are what typically get parodied when they (meaning hack comedians and writers) make a joke out of Blaxploitation.

Stuff like this really existed.

....but fuck it, I think it's fuckin' cool as shit.

No one laughs when it's a virile white man kicking ass.
Well, for example, the shitty Beatty flick.
Wonder why....
No I don't, it's racism.
Check yourselves.

And, one wishes there had been more real life Black Samsons in the 80's, or there wouldn't be the disease of gangs in the black community now.
Tragic how that battle got lost.

Blaxploitation Karate

Toldja there was a lot of karate flicks in these.

And these are just the pure karate films, nevermind all the ones with karate sprinkles on top.

Hey, cool, three of those are Jim Kelly!
The black dude in "Enter The Dragon"!
How cool is that?
I submit that it cannot get much cooler.
Nosiree.
Why...I bet that's the origin of all this karate influence, it passes right down from Bruce to Jim....whoa.
Who knew?

But, getting back to my opening rant...why isn't Jim Kelly as beloved and revered as that goofball redneck Chuck Norris?
WTF?
Are we really still that bad off with the prejudice?
:(

Okay, "That Man Bolt", is more of a James Bond type thing, with karate sprinkles, but...I needed to fill that corner in.
And, hey, Fred Williamson again!
Toldja he did a lot of these.

Speaking of Bond...

Live And Let Die

...counts as blaxploitation.

Ayep.
Betcha didn't know that, didja?
Well, now ya do.

The Cosby Poitier Trilogy

Another discovery along the lines of Gladiator-Grier, and Nigger Charley.

No one ever told me these even existed!
In my whole stinking fucking life!

Cosby, and Portier where a team for three flicks??
And holy shit, look at their co-stars!!

Harry Belafonte! Richard Pryor! Jimmy Walker! Ossie Davis! James Earl Jones!
Holy shit, I wanna cry!
Why doesn't TCM play these!?
Oh, my heart aches!

Anyway, Cosby & Poitier's characters have different names in all of these, but fans consider them a trilogy nonetheless.

Speaking of Ossie Davis...

Ossie Davis

...directed two of these

They look pretty fuckin' badass too.

Especially "Gordon's War".
The revolution!
It finally came!
...don't I fuckin' wish...

Anyhoo, you young 'uns might know Ossie Davis as Jack Kennedy from "Bubba Ho-Tep".

Blacula

Played by "The King Of Cartoons", from Pee-Wee's Playhouse.

I've seen the first Blacula, and I think it kicks fuckin' ass.

It's actually fuckin' scary.
I put it up there with the good Dracula films.

William Marshall is just fuckin' awesome.
Case closed.

And, while we're on Blacula...

Blaxploitation Horror

Yeah! Look how many they did!

No one told me!
Oh, it was kinda hinted at in the MADTV parodies, and Cracked magazine did one (thanks, Hyla), but, um, yeah, look!

8 of 'em, 10 if you throw in the Blaculas.

We got Frankenstein, Mr. Hyde, Zombies ("Sugar Hill"), haunted house, three possession ones, one a take on "The Exorcist" ("Abby"), one featuring Duane Jones from "Night Of The Living Dead", (Ganja & Hess").

And, of course, the infamous "the thing with two heads".
*Laughs*

Yeah, some of these are cheesey, maybe most, but....look how many shitty whitey horrors got churned out that people are nostalgic about...
*Shrug*

Ayep, "Blaxploitation", really did everything, I don't even see how you can call it one genre.

Rudy Ray Moore/ Dolemite

MADTV really tore into these, but...how can you parody something that's actually like what it is, and is purposely silly?

Yes, kiddies, Dolemite existed.

It's not just a skit.
Check 'em out.

And...that's enough for tonight, tomorrow, more of these.

Space Spoofs!

2012-01-22T16:34:00.000-08:00

Enough Bronze-age myth, let's get back out into space, where things are fun.

Dark Star

The film-

John Carpenter's first film.

Also, written by, and featuring, Dan O' Bannon, of "Alien", and "Return of the Living Dead", and "Heavy Metal", fame.

I always thought a bunch of fuzz-faced geeky fellas on a spaceship was a goof on Lucas and Spielberg.
Man, they need the air let out of their egos more than ever, don't they?

Probably a goof on "2001: A Space Odyssey", too.
Which, ironically, this manages to sorta be deeper than.

The budget on this is bargain basement, but that only adds to its charms.
Like, the 8-track tape video units, and the beach ball monster.
Check it out.

The history-

This.

Pay attention to those lyrics, they're actually about relativity, and space travel, and are kinda grim.
John Carpenter wrote that, BTW.

Galaxina

The film-

The only one of these I haven't seen...but shit, I've got to now...

The history-

N/A

Android

The film-

Very strange film to nail down both genre wise, and description wise.

Not an outright satire/spoof/parody like the rest of these, but it has a dark humor to it, and it had to go somewhere.

One of those little known, and underrated ones I like to pimp from time to time.

Smart people like it.
It was well received in Europe.
Same old routine with that.

Can't tell you much without spoiling it, it does indeed have an android in it.
Think Data's character arc if it went darker.

Oh, also, everyone's on a kick lately of seeing where SF predicted tech we have today, well, Android was, I think, the only one to outright predict cyber-porn.
Certainly the earliest.
Ayep.

The history-

80's HBO, still remember it clearly and fondly.

Airplane II: The Sequel

The film-

Didn't live up to the first one, and where it falls flat, is actually whenever it recycles the first one's jokes.

Any time it stays on course in being a knock on the various space epics, it shines.

Its only mistake, was probably in being an "Airplane!", sequel.
I can see where they wanted to play with other genres, but drag the audience of "Airplane!", along with them, but...yeah, didn't work, as there wasn't a part 3, was there?

The irony being, much later on, the "Scary Movie", franchise had way more success in playing with every genre, and still carrying along the "Scary movie", banner.

See my rant in James Bond on "people being ready".

The history-

HBO.

Spaceship

The film-

A.K.A "The Creature Wasn't Nice", A.K.A "Naked Space".

If you want it on DVD, look it up under that last title.

It's got Cindy Williams, Leslie Nielson, and Patrick McNee...and...yeah, it's not so great...

Oh, it's watchable.
Shit, it's quantum leaps better than "2001: A Space Travesty".

The history-

80's HBO.
Also, this.

Ice Pirates

The film-

If you're a gen-xer, and you missed out on Ice Pirates, where the fuck were ya, under a rock??

I still love this one, anyone who says it doesn't hold up can kiss my ass under Filene's bay window.

It's as cool and fun as it is funny.
It's the "Galaxy Quest", of its day.

The history-

HBO.

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

The series/film-

See here.

Much prefer the TV series, loved it ever since the 80's PBS showings, although the film did have its pluses.

The history-

From here...

Mostly Harmless

I was so jazzed that a new Hitchhikers was coming out.
I had read, and reread, and re-reread, and re-re-reread this series all through the 80's, since 4th grade, and loved, loved, loved them.

So, Hitchhikers 5 was like...well, Star Wars prequels, a big fucking deal.

Well...it kind of disapointed...but, in hindsight, nowhere near as much as Star Wars prequels.
With age, I've warmed to its charms.
The ending is still a bummer though.
Then Douglas had to go and fucking die on us.
Yeah, I know, they tied the series up with "...and another thing", and I'm sure it resolves the plot threads of the characters, and I'm sure it's cute...but no way it's gonna have the genius of Douglas Adams.
I can't bring myself to read it.
Well, I got my leather-bound collection of the original five, that's my treasure.
Always will be.
Wish I could swear on the thing in court, or if I became president.
What a cool world that'd be eh?

Spaceballs

The film-

Well, DUH!

Almost put this in Star Wars, you don't know how close it got....

Geez, I struggle to throw in a quote that hasn't been done to death on this...

Well, here's one I live my life by, and love to throw out in religion debates "the ring is bupkiss! The Schwartz is in you, Lonestar, it's in you!!".

The history-

Come on, it's as much a cultural milestone as 'Wars itself.

Red Dwarf

The film/series-

Yeah, I loopholed it in as a "movie", with "Back to Earth", but, I really wanna talk about the whole thing....

About the misadventures of the last human being in the universe frozen 3 million years into the future, a hologram of his dead former roommate, a humanoid evolved from the descendants of his cat, an android they pick up in a later season, and the intelligent ship's computer that's gone senile.

There were also novels of this, and I think they're up there with Douglas Adams for goodness.

See below for the rest...

The history-

See here...

Loved it.
There was nothing quite like it, and still hasn't been to this day.
It's comedy sci-fi from BBC if you haven't seen it, and it's just fucking great.
Think Futurama meets Hitchhiker's Guide.
It started out with a shoestring budget, and I actually liked it better then.
It was like, a sitcom in space, complete with laugh track, and I dug that vibe.
You don't get many sitcoms in space, and if ya do, they must mostly suck, and get axed before broadcast.
Anyway, later seasons, they got more money to play with, so it became more like a funny Star Trek.
Which is still cool, and the characters were still the driving force, but...eh, those first 3 seasons had a little more magic to 'em.
But...that's just my opinion.
Anyway, track the DVDs down for these, great show.
I hear they're actually doing another season soon.

Course, "Back to Earth", was that "new season", and there's a newer Tenth Season coming this year.

LEXX

The films/series-

A.K.A "Tales From A Parallel Universe".

So, this started off as a series of 4 back-to-back feature-length films, then spun off into the mainline series, rendering the films "Season 1", of what became "LEXX".

Nothing else is quite like this, and I predict nothing else will ever be.
I miss it a lot.

Hmm....almost impossible to describe, and do it justice...

Definitely satirical.
Brutally, savagely so.

In what turned out to be the final season, they come to Earth, and it's nakedly satire at that point.
They rip into not just American politics, mass media, culty religions, and consumerism with a jackhammer, but celebrity, the pretense of artists, the ego of celebrity scientists, everything.
It's like the racist jokes aliens would tell about humans.
It's fucking beautiful.

The history-

My favorite scene in that season, indeed of anything ever, is their ship (The LEXX) fires off a "warning shot", that has too much kick to it, and obliterates Orlando Florida.
Disney World, Epcot, Gatorland Zoo, all gone.
But, that's not the funny part, we see it from the perspective of a family in a station wagon making the tortured drive from somewhere in the midwest out to see this stuff, and the kids are bouncing in the back going "we wanna go to Gatorland! We wanna go to Gatorland!!", and Orlando blows up, and a dead gator lands on the hood, and the kids start bawling, and the dad starts evilly laughing like a maniac.

*Warm grin*
Ahhh. :)

Galaxy Quest

The film/history-

See here.

2001: A Space Travesty

The film-

Well....it's titled properly....

It's not irony, it's a damned disgrace.

Oh, well, Leslie, at least the "Scary Movies", you did were better.
And the first "Airplane!", and the first 2 Naked Guns will live forever.

Miss you, Original Kirk.

The history-

Comedy Central.

The Futurama Movies

The films/series-

See here...

Yep, this owes a debt to all that came before.
You just don't poop out the sci-fi-comedy genre in one go, I don't care how smart you are.
It took a few trial runs.

Thank you, pioneers!
*Salutes*

The history-

The shitty evil FOX network, then, The John Stewart Channel

Ah, there, that one cheered me up.

Up next, Blaxploitation!

God.

2012-01-22T11:38:00.000-08:00

The result of human beings anthropomorphising the Universe.

(See here and here for a thorough dissection)

(See also, supernatural, transcendent, faith, religion)

Oh-Em-Gee-Too!

2012-01-21T17:14:00.000-08:00

So...this "God", character, he's beloved by millions, if not billions, and yet...the works of fiction that contain his various adventures...aren't exactly a good advertisement for his alleged virtues.
To put it mildly.

At least, that's the impression part 1 of this gave me, let's see if it gets any better.

Maybe I'm "missing", something...

The Seventh Sign

The film-

So, the end of the world is coming about Bible style, and only Demi Moore can stop it with her magic womb.

Well, at least you've got a woman playing a heroic role in the Jesus-verse for a change.
I mean, one who isn't a virgin for once.
That seems to be diabolically important for some reason, to some people.

Anyway, same cockbag God from "The Exorcist", but cranked up to eleven.
Same "clean up my spilled milk, humanity", bullshit in the end too.

The picture of God is not getting better so far....

Anyway, The Good News...

Naked Demi Moore!
She's knocked up, but hey, if that's your thing....
Remember when everyone lost their fuckin' minds over that nude knocked up magazine cover she did?
Well, she did this flick way before that.
And here, you see bush.

Gee, remember bush in movies?
Whatever happened to that?
Eh?

The history-

Rental.
I didn't pick it.

One Magic Christmas

The film-

Ohhh....I've wanted to tear into this one for a loooong tiiime!

I aaaalmost put this into the Santa review, but....it would have fucked up the positive vibe that one had going.

Anyway, this has got to be the most jaw-droppingly VILE fucking Christmas film I have ever fucking SEEN.

It brings me no end of dark joy to see that big fat Disney logo emblazoned right across this miserable evil turd.

So, Mary Steenburgen is a mother of two kids, and her husband is into fixing bikes, and they're all hanging by a financial thread, yadda, yadda...

And THEN, the husband is gut-shot by a bank robber, and fucking dies in front of the kids, and then the robber kidnaps the kids, and goes off on a high speed police chase, and veers off into a frozen lake, and everyone thinks the kids drowned, and Steenburgen has a nervous fucking breakdown.

Oh, and did I mention she got fired?

Ho-ho-ho!! Meeeerry Christmas!

Murder in a Christmas movie!
A Disney Christmas movie!
Enjoy!

Anyway, the kids aren't dead, they're rescued by their Creepy Guardian Angel played by Harry Dean Stanton.

Hey, Harry, where were you back at that fuckin' bank robbery?
Their dad coulda used some magic bullet deflecting there.
He's kinda fucking dead now.

So, everyone's more concerned about Mary Steenburgen getting back her stupid fucking "Christmas spirit", so Creepy Gaurdian Angel takes the kids to the North Pole to see Santa.
Yeah, you heard right, fuckin' Santa.

And Santa's like "well, geez, I just deliver fucking toys, kids, if want your dad re-animated, try Herbert West".

And they're all like "pleeeaase, Santa? We know you can do it, you conquered Martians, and beat up the fuckin' Devil!".

And Santa is like "seriously kids, I'm really just a metaphor for an abstract concept...I think it's "the spirit of giving", or some horseshit. Just because I'm theoretically "mystical", doesn't make me a fucking witch doctor. Why was I even the first person you fucking thought of for this? How old are you kids? And you, Angel, what the fuck is the matter with you? You're a grown ass man! You of all people should have known better! Look, people, I'm a busy man, I've got Kindles to stamp out, X-Boxes to hand solder, and all of this in a bad economy, this "bring back my daddy!", shit is the last fucking thing I need".

But, the children persist, and Santa gives them a letter to give to their mom.

It turns out to be the letter she wrote to Santa as a little girl, and then, she believes in Santa Claus, and gets back her Christmas Spirit, and this makes her wake up the next morning time warped into the day before everything went to shit, and prevents everything by...get this, being nicer to people with her new found Christmas-y-ness.
Sheesh, wasn't like she was a bitch before, or anything...

Yeah, turns out all the murdering bank robber needed was some kindly hobo-bucks slipped his way not to murder.

So, remember that, kiddies, Santa can resurrect your dad, God will take back tragedy in your life if you whine and beg enough to the right people, if these things don't happen for you, you're just not well connected enough, because you're not special enough, bad things in life unfurl because of something your mommy did, and buy off hobos, or they'll kill your dad, and it's your own fault if you don't.

How d'ya like them morals, eh?
Almost makes ya yearn for Moses back.
Almost.

Hard not to judge this one on its morals, cuz it's pretty much about them.
And it flings Angels and Christmas at ya, so there's no mistaking what morals.
I wonder if Christians even liked this...

The history-

Saw this at the theater as a kid.
Was expecting another "Santa Claus The Movie".

Had a heavy religious trip laid on me instead.

Walked out with a cold, bleak, eerie, goosebump-y, washed out, lead-in-the-gut feeling.

It wouldn't be the last time, indeed, this sensation has dogged large swaths of my adult life.
So, yeah, this film gave me a premature sip of adulthood.
It wasn't pleasant.

(Horror announcer voice)
One...magic...Chriiistmaaasss!

The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy

The series/film-

In this one, God has the good sense to fucking disappear, and never come back.

Best thing he's ever done.
Seriously.

The history-

Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey

The film-

This one has Bill & Ted dead, and sauntering all over the afterlife for the whole middle chunk of the picture.

But, we only get God for less than a minute, and he only helps them by giving them a map of Heaven showing them where to find Station.

The only other clues to his mental workings we get, is in what a fucking mess the afterlife is in this.

It's way worse than "Heaven Can Wait".

Innocent people can be mugged in Heaven, The Future Saviors Of Humanity can be sent to Hell, meaning the letter of a rigid intractable moral code matters more than the causality of the fucking universe, said unjustly sentenced souls can however, trick their way out of it with the whole "beat the reaper", deal, and then all knowledge of this can be exposed to all of mankind at a rock concert, and not blow up existence the way it would in say, "Dogma".

But, at least it's a satire, and fucked up as God's Heaven is, good does triumph.
So, you can claim God meant it all to play out that way.

This viewpoint almost fixes "one magic Christmas", but...why give the people who made that any help?
They made their awful movie, let them lay in it.

So, yeah, Bill & Ted, love both flicks.
And, Carlin is in 'em.
He'll pop up again later.

The history-

Rental, own it, need to upgrade to DVD.

Dark Angel: The Ascent

The film-

Not to be confused with that dreadful 00's show starring Jessica Alba.

This is a fucking Charles Band movie, so naturally, it's a clunker.

If you don't know, Charles Band is kinda like Troma.

Well...Charlie wishes he were Troma...
Troma never went bankrupt, and Troma has always had a continuity of identity as Troma, no reboots.

But, I still get a kick out of some of his flicks.
Puppetmaster, Trancers, Subspecies, he did those.

I remember being deeply fascinated by this one when it was new.
For really no other reason, than the star, Angela Featherstone.
Major boner for her.
Yowza.

I gotta track this down, and see if it has the same effect.

It seems like only..well, not yesterday, but months ago, I saw this,...but it's been almost 20 fucking years, and in new photos, Featherstone is in her 50's.
*Sad sigh*
Dammit, time.
Maybe if I ask Santa...

"Santa, rewind time, and give me young Angela Featherstone in a box with a bow on it. Pleeease!?".

"First, you have to make Mary Steenburgen believe in me. It's important".

Anyway, in this, Angela is kind of a cross between the chick from the "Underworld", movies, and Spawn, but as violent as Toxie.
This was WAY before "Underworld", understand.

That's right, Big Hollywood is using Charlie Band plots.
Savor that cold reality.

So, anything with Hell in it is also a God thing, cuz "gentle Jesus meek and mild", invented Hell.
Nice guy...

And, Angela is the bestest sexiest thing to crawl up from Hell's bowels.
So, hey, finally, paydirt!

So, I dunno quite how to grade God here....

Well, he sits on his thumbs, lets a demon escape from Hell, and lets her commit brutal acts of vigilantism, therefore cleaning up the mess of evil on the Earth he won't take care of, so...I guess he's still the Limp-Dicked Exorcist God.

The history-

The above covers it.

The Prophecy

The film-

Released a year after "Dark Angel: The Ascent", it's more or less the same formula.
Except, Christopher Walken is The Archangel Gabriel on Earth to kill people violently.

Doesn't it say something that all Christianity seems to be good for anymore is fuckin' horror movies?
Huh?

Anyway, there were 4 sequels to this.
If one of them isn't called "more cowbell", then I weep.

The history-

Tried watching one of 'em on SyFy, couldn't do it.
"Joe Dirt", left Walken with more dignity.

The Stand

The miniseries-

Stephen King's...interesting take on The End Of The World.

Here, God plays out another one of his "brilliant plans".
For his last "brilliant plan", see again "King of Kings".

So, the "brilliant plan", goes like this...

Be the same impotent eunuch in "Exorcist", and in the first one hundred thousand years of human history (see again "King of Kings") and watch as humanity is decimated by a genetically modified strain of super-flu.

Then, sit and watch some more, as the beleaguered and bedraggled immune remnants of humanity gather together.

The bad people in Vegas, the good people on a dumb little farm.

Then, pit these "forces", against each other for "the final battle".

Do this, by letting The Anti-Christ, in the form of one Randall Flagg run amok, and do whatever he fucking wants.
Y'know, like Pazuzu.
Y'know, for instigation, I mean, motivation.

And, give as the avatar of good...a centenarian old black lady on her last legs.
Y'know, for balance.

Jerk everyone around with vague dreams and visions as needed.

Beset the good people with extra tragedy for no good reason.

Then, when the time is right, and all the dumb visions have been decoded, get a small pitiful band to go into the lion's den of evil for some pointless abuse, manifest as a glowing hand, and set off a nuke, wiping out all the bad people.

Which...could have and should have been done in the first place, and without all the loss of innocent life.
See again, Noah's Ark in "The Bible".

And of course, this whole nuke thing naturally has the side effect of killing off more of your good guys.
Give no reason whatsoever for why they had to be there.

In the novel, let Flagg live, so this shit can happen all over again.

Bask in the dopey goo-eyed praise of the remaining suckers.
Jack off.
End of plan.

So...yeah, I'm glad I can totally blame cocaine for this story.

The history-

TeeVee.
Um...it got me hooked on the Blue Oyster Cult song "don't fear the reaper".
*Shrug*

The Devil's Advocate

The film-

Pacino as The Devil.
What more needs to be said?

Well, except the line "God likes to watch".

See "The Stand", "The Exorcist", The Holocaust, 9/11, etc, etc.

The history-

Showtime, I think...

The Messenger:
The Story of Joan of Arc

The film-

A schizophrenic kills a bunch of people, and puts a rotten king on the throne, y'know, for France.
And cuz God said it was a good idea.

Well, France might not exist today if not for her, so, history is just messy sometimes I guess.

Milla Jovovich's big career defining pic in between "5th Element", and the Resident Evils.

Y'know...it's another one that's grown on me, I actually kinda like it.
Probably cuz Joan is portrayed as tragically nutty.
Don't ever say Milla can't act.

This one's on the total opposite polarity as "Brother Sun Sister Moon", in every way I can think of

The history-

Rental.

South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut

The film-

Yeah, with the exception of a handful of now classic episodes in the 00's, South Park pretty much peaked here.

The whole Heaven/Hell thing plays a big part on the SP-verse.

I love how everyone is in Hell, except the Mormons, but Mormon Heaven is hellishly boring, and even God doesn't like it.

*Laughs*

The history-

Y'know, it wasn't until about 5 years ago now, that it finally caught up to me that the title is a dick joke.
*Smacks forehead*

Jack Frost

The film-

Another from the "God will bring back your dead daddy", genre established by "One Magic Christmas".

What is it with Hollywood, and Christmas, and death?

Death and re-animation is an Easter thing, people.

Anyway, this would almost be a sweet movie if it didn't have the pall of death hanging over it.
I like to think Keaton's dark sense of humor picked this script.

The history-

Watched on basic cable to snark at it.
The above is the guts of that rambling boiled down.

Dogma

The film-

From here...

Eh, I've gotten past Smith's over-reliance on the Jay & Silent Bob characters, and this one's grown on me in the past 12 years.
And hey, it's got Carlin!
Tch, Smith hung out with Carlin & Stan Lee, don't think I ain't jealous...

This pissed off the Catholics, but what fucking doesn't?
The hoo-hah over this was way out of proportion.
But..again, ain't it always with religious folk?
Especially ones with fat wallets, and foolish hats meant to be impressive.

This, the 2 Clerks flicks, and "Zack & Miri make a porno", are the best Kevin Smiths
IMHO.
YMMV.

Well, this was fairly decent religious satire, but if you really want to see it done better, track down a copy of the original 1967 "Bedazzled", with Peter Cook and Dudley Moore.

Yeah, he pissed off the Catholics, even though he is one, and wrote this big ass-kissing rationalization, and, it didn't make them happy.

Then, "Jay And Silent Bob", had Jay's trademark homophobia, it's a fucking character saying this shit, one meant for ridicule, and GLAAD got their shorts in a wad, and he wrote an ass-kissing open letter to them that didn't make them happy.

Well, I've learned the lesson if he hasn't.

FUCK EM!!

You can't make people in "action groups", happy.
it's heir ugly job to be pissed.
So, fuck 'em.

If you don't like humor, kill yourselves.
Political correctness hasn't made the world better, it's made it worse, and if you can't see it, you're just stupid.

In fact, good humor is for pissing people off that need pissing off.
If you're not getting bitchy letters, you ain't doing your job.

So, Smith, stop kissing ass.
Wouldja?

While you're at it, quit your religion, it doesn't want you, and you don't wanna be in Heaven with those sour-pussed ingrates anyway.

Oh, right, and God has a vagina in this.
That probably pissed Catholics off more than anything.
Again, good.

The history-

Rental, cable, own.

End Of Days

The film-

The End Of Arnold.

Rehash the Apocalypse from "The Seventh Sign", toss in a hybrid-ripoff of Satan from "The Devil's Advocate", and Flagg from "The Stand", but less eloquent than either, and give heaping spoonfuls of "creeepy little giiirl siiiingiiing...creeeepy little giiiirl siiinging....creeeeeepy liiiiittle giiirl siiiingiiing....", until it thickens, until it won't stir anymore.

Flush down toilet.
Serves none.

The history-

Depressed rental.

Left Behind
Left Behind II: Tribulation Force

The films-

Sincere death-cult wish-fulfillment from a sincere death-cult.

Creeps me out talking about it, creeps me out having the pics up, creeps me out looking at Kirk Cameron's creepy vacant-eyed mug.

Creeps me out to no end that this trash is a bestseller.

But, no God-lit list would be complete without it.

At least "End of Days", and "Seventh Sign", were by cynical Hollywood, and "The Stand", was by a cokehead sloppily faltering for faith at that point of his life.

This loony bullshit has conviction.

Well, at least it looks like they both cost a hundred bucks.
But, so do Al-Queda tapes....

For more, see here.

The history-

Well....I heard a podcast by some atheist author, and lit-critic who laughs these off, saying essentially that while the target audience for these is busy stroking off to them, they can't get up to real mischief.
I guess there might be something to that...

Frailty

The film-

From here...

All right, the ending spoiled this at the last minute, but up until then, the whole psychological horror of a psycho-dad who thinks he's a superhero, but is really just a serial killer, was really a fuckin' cool idea.

I give it an A for effort, but a D overall, cuz that ending really blows.
Why put it on my list?
Eh, it did something really different I haven't seen before.
Hard to get that out of the horror genre anymore.

Well, I'll spoil one of the big twists for the sake of this category; turns out, the guy's power to see sin, thus, his bloodthirsty version of God, and his mission for this guy, are real.

So, Magic-Axe-Man really is a dark superhero, of the mold of Dark Angel, Gabriel, and the dead dudes.

The history-

Cable.

Bruce Almighty

The film-

Basically, the same plot as TNG's "Hide and Q", where Riker gets the powers of Q for a day.

Carrey learns...I guess "it's not easy being God", the larger lesson, "don't rail against your lot in life", or to put it the way it sorts out in "it's a wonderful life", cherish mediocrity.

Hollywood keeps serving that one up in various forms.

Well, at least Morgan Freeman is the best God we've had since George Burns, anyway....

And hey, yeah, God works for Batman.

Sort that head-trip out, theologians.
We know you ain't got anything fucking better to do.

The history-

Cable.
I chose X-Men 2 at the theater instead of this.
Like I said there, I think I made the better call.

Evan Almighty

The film-

Hollywood, don't take evil Bible stories, and make 'em cute anymore.

Stop making "cute", comedy period, wouldja?
Take this saccharine Capra-crap, and blow it out your asses.

If you're gonna spoof religion, have some fucking balls, like in the Python days.
No one's got any fucking balls anymore.

So, anyway, see again my rant on the "real", Noah's Ark.
That's some vile apocalypse-wank, but Hollywood had the balls to lay it steaming in our laps.

The history-

Cable.
TBS loves this kinda shit.
Neo-Capra, and Tyler Perry.
Like a grizzly bear to fluffer-nutters they wolf it down.

The Passion of the Christ

The film-

Now see, this film has the balls to be what it is.

A homoerotic torture/snuff film directed by a crazy violent drunk Nazi.

Course, it was made out-of-pocket outside the Hollywood system, but still....

The plot?
Think "King of Kings", with (way) more beating the ever-living shit out of Jesus, and (way) less of anything else.

The history-

Didn't you just love it when church groups took small children en masse to this bloody R rated movie?
Boy, I sure did.
Laaaauughed, oh, how I laughed.
B-)

Phew, there, that's enough of this awful God fella.
Nope, it didn't get better.

Oh, wait, gotta throw in reruns that link to the topic....

The Toxic Avenger Part III:
The Last Temptation Of Toxie

The film/history-

See here.

Toxie fights the Devil, God sits on his thumbs, and bails Toxie out at the last minute with a powers recharge.

Yep, it's the God of "The Stand", again.

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV

The film/history-

See here.

Ahhh....God is Hank The Angry Drunken Dwarf!

Well...everything kinda makes sense now....

Time Bandits

The film/history-

See here...

"Retuuuurn the map!
Retuuurn what you have stolen from me!
Return!
Retuuuurn!".

Hee hee, this next bit says it all...

Kevin- "Why DO you allow evil?".

The Supreme Being-
*Seems taken aback, and then doesn't seem to know himself*
"....I think...it has something to do with free will".

Excalibur

The film/history-

See here...

Pretty much Joan of Arc's God, but with Joan, the killing really happened.
Being a myth, this is less sad though.

Super

The film/history-

See here...

Yup, Joan of Arc's God again...
Results are funnier though.

Any Vampire Movie Where Crosses Work

The films-

See here.

Same theology as "Exorcist", really, but the humans have a better fighting chance.

Anything where the dude is sent back for vengeance.

The films-

See here.

Same rules as "Dark Angel", same theology as the dad in "one magic Christmas", and "Jack Frost".
But these are way more fun than those latter two.

Ahh, there, NOW I'm done with this...

And, thanks to those reruns, it got a little better.

Yeah, this was all heavily tilted towards Judeo-Christianity, but hey, gimme the Mormon movie to shred, and I'll go after it.
Gimme the great big "Muhammed rapes Aisha", movie, I'll really go after it with a fuckin' buzzsaw.

American culture is Christian biased.
These are the films I had to work with.
*Shrug*

Up next....Space Spoofs!!

Oh-Em-Gee!!

2012-01-20T16:21:00.000-08:00

Tch, Polytheism is so much more fun.
The movies are fun, even when they're cheesey.
And it leads to the comics industry, which leads to more fun movies, it's just...well, it's been said, it's more fun.

But, I guess I gotta give a balanced ticket, so, let's do *long eye roll* *slumps* Monotheism.

The Ten Commandments

The film-

All right, so get this, this'll just crack you up if you've managed not to see this.

So, there's this invisible, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent intelligent force in the universe, right?

It's in charge of all the galaxies, and black holes, and quasars, and nebulae, and dark matter, and dark energy, everything.

But...get this, apparently, of all the octillions of little cosmic specks of dust....it has a FAVORITE speck of dust!

And there are teeny bits of animated matter on this speck of dust, and get this...this God-thing...has a FAVORITE batch of bits of animated matter!

And of this batch of favored bits of matter, it has a FAVORITE-EST bit of matter called "Moses", that it loves so much, it gives him an array of inconsistent illogical wizard-powers, and makes him boss of the other little globs.

But just this particular little herd, "God", doesn't care as much for all the other squiggly little globs.

Fuck them, they can all die horribly.

Why? Just cuz.

And also, apparently, not little globs that have female plumbing, cuz he never makes them boss, or gives them wizard-powers.

In fact, their life in this very-special-God-society ends up being an open sewer for several centuries.

Yep, this giant cosmic incorporeal being clearly cares an awful lot about pee-pees.

So much so, this gender-less being likes to be called "he".

*Snickers into hand* it's like the diary of a madman!

And young Hollywood was apparently so hard up for ideas, it made a movie of this shit.

Can you fucking believe it?

I dunno, when it's John Travolta, and "Battlefield Earth", people can see the crazy.

*Shrug*

Go figure.

Anyway, Chuck Heston is able to give this pile of frothing desert-madness verisimilitude, which is why he became a star, and then he went on to do his morbid-ass Dystopia flicks, which I love, so I forgive him.

And, the effects that were pioneered in this, and other Bible epics, were used in Star Wars, so there's that.

The history-

Yeah, we all grew up with this on TV, didn't we?

As for the commandments themselves, no one breaks 'em down better than George.

The Bible:
...In The Beginning

The film-

The prequel-of-sorts to Moses and his little gang.

So, in this little horror anthology, we get the (discredited by every episode of NCIS/CSI ) Genesis story, we get the Adam & Eve debacle, which led to women getting the shitty end of the stick for all those millennia, we get the Cain and Abel incident to show this whole "favoritism", defect has been a part of "God's", character from the start, and we get Noah's Ark, where God commits genocide, not just on the people that pissed "him", off, but on millions of innocent children, and animals.

Say, couldn't an all-powerful God just make all the assholes have simultaneous spontaneous heart attacks, or something?
You would think.
Or , heck, teleport 'em into the sun, and atomize 'em.
No smelly body cleanup that way.

Nope, apparently, drowning everything in lots and lots of water is more "dramatic", or...something.
This omnipotent entity, who shouldn't even give this much of a shit about humans in the larger scale of things, cares about impressing people.

And, nice of him to leave the traumatic nightmare of all that cleanup to Noah and his kids.
Imagine finding a bird-pecked child up in a tree when you go apple picking.
Now imagine a present like that every day.
Whee.

Also, we get the whole Sarah/Hagar deal which we shouldn't give two fucks about, except it's the big diverging point between Judaism, and Islam, and we get the Tower Of Babel which tells us God made people different as a punishment for "hubris", so, that excuses nationalism, and racism, and then there's Soddom and Gomorrah, which has been the historic basis of all homophobia.

Not listed on the poster, is the Abraham and Isaac story, and I already gave that one a good drubbing here.

Yep, Creepshow pales in comparison to this shit, kiddies.
That the censors, and ratings boards, and parents groups, were typically religious, and let you see this shit as kids, tells you all you need to know about taking them seriously.

Anyway, dodgy morals aside, does it deliver as a flick?
Eh, I guess...*wavey hand*
But again, if you're a rational person, best to laugh it off as a horror-comedy anthology.
If you get "inspiration", and "reverence", out of something like this...fuckin' yikes.
Wear bike reflectors or something, so I can see you coming.

The history-

As said above, they let us see this shit, didn't they?

Samson and Delilah

The film-

So God randomly favors another pee-pee wielding protozoan, and (also randomly) gives him super-strength.
Which, being in the bronze-age, he naturally uses to mass-murder.

His Kryptonite is having a haircut, which is the stupidest weakness ever, and he blabs it to his girlfriend, who proceeds to fuck him over in more ways than one.

This tableau seemingly has no moral message that we can discern today, except perhaps "bitches is trouble".
Which um, yeah, isn't very enlightened, to say the least.
And, we get enough of that in other Bible tales, so this one is simply worthless.
It's shit like this that always makes me suspect of people that dip into the Old Testament for their alleged morals....

Anyhoo, as we can see, this is another Cecil B. Demille, the feller what brought us Moses.
So, yeah, that.

So, I dunno who came first, Samson, or Hercules, but someone was ripping off somebody.
The ancient world took the notion of Copyright about as seriously as China does today.

The history-

This was the only thing like superheroes that the Bible had on offer, so, when you went over to your religious friend's house, this was about the only non-boring thing you could talk about.
Which, got pretty fucking boring, pretty fucking quick.

It's interesting to note, that Paramount made its bones on flicks like this, and then, look at what kept them on life-support in later years...
(Ch-ch-ch, ha-ha-ha)

King of Kings

The film-

So, to sloppily paraphrase a Christopher Hitchens speech, after 100,000 years of God sitting idly by while humans are ignorant, and rotten to each other, it's only in the last 2'000 years when he gets up, and says, "okay, now it's time to do something!".

And his brilliant plan, is to become a carpenter, one Mr. Josephson, in an obscure ratty part of Palestine, claim to be the son of himself, piss off the local authorities, get himself nailed to a stick, die a little, and come right back to life, and then vanish.

And then, to sit right back again, and wait for this bullshit story to spread across the planet.
All the while, innocent people suffer in its name, and other innocent people who've lived a good life, but never received word of it, go to a lake of fire.

Yeah....

Anyway, Jeffrey Hunter plays this horse-pucky off with verisimilitude, and later becomes Captain Pike in Star Trek.
So, there's that...

The history-

Ditto "The Bible".

The Story Of Mankind

The film-

Wow, look at that cast, everyone's in it, and it does what it sets out to, it tells you the story of mankind.

With the framing device of Secular Angels sitting in judgement over whether to let humanity blow itself up or not, by judging if it's worthy or not, by looking at the good and bad in human history.

I naturally side with Vincent Price's character of The Secular Devil.

His indictments of human stupidity and weakness make my black little heart soar.

The history-

Other than that, it's a snorer. I've been literally knocked out cold twice attempting this thing on TCM.
Well, its heart was in the right place...

It's A Wonderful Life

The film-

One of God's demi-god minions uses time-travel to make a suicidal depressive once again cherish banality and mediocrity.

All of this occurs on/around the occasion of the ceremonial birthday of the temporarily-demised Mr. Josephson from "King of Kings".
This is supposed to add significance somehow.

The history-

As I said about the Rankin/Bass specials "you're kidding, right?".

Bedazzled

The film-

A fucking riot.

If sincere Bible epics are the price I have to pay to get satire like this out the other end, I guess I'll pay it.

Dudley Moore and Peter Cook are an incredible comic duo, this one is right up there with the Python stuff.

For whatever reason, the powers that be have made this one just a bit hard to find.
Good luck.

Anyway, the plot, Moore befriends The Devil (Cook), and sells his soul to him to try to win over this girl he's too shy to talk to, and The Devil gives him 7 wishes to pull it off with, and they all go hilariously wrong.

As usual, and you can hear it coming, fuck the remake.

The history-

Cable.

Brother Sun Sister Moon

The film-

And, back to the mawkish sincerity. *Eye roll*

The (sugar-coated, and air-puffed) story of St. Francis of Assisi.

Watch this with an un-protected mind, and you're maybe gonna be all like "ohhh, what a great guy St. Francis was! Why can't religion be like that! Ohhh, la de da de daah! I'm gonna give my life to Jesus!".

Yes, yes, the Roman Catholic Church high-mucky-mucks are to this day a bunch of piggy-eyed, thuggy, gilded, fatted, ego-fevered, entitled, little monarchs in everything but name, as they were then, and as is depicted here...

BUT....the real Francis was a foaming fucking nutbar.
All the saints were fucking nutbars, that's how you get to be a saint.
This movie is a fucking fairy tale.
Well, like all the others on the list so far...
Don't get fished in.

This was to lure hippies over to The Jesus Cult.
"See? Francis was a hippie!".

Nuh-uh, no, bad medicine!

"Godspell", and "Jesus Christ Superstar", were the other two prongs of attack.
These, and heroin, were how the counter-culture ultimately fell apart, and why we still have Republicans.

It's a dirty trick, run!
Ruuuun, children!

The history-

Cable.

Oh, God!
Oh, God! Book II
Oh, God! You Devil

The film-

So, the deity from all the above films finally manifests, and it's as George Burns.

First flick, he hangs out with John Denver, and it's kinda cute, and it's directed by Carl Reiner, so it's got that "2000 Year Old Man", kind of humor to it.

Second one, he hangs out with a little girl, and rides a motorcycle, and....that one sucked.

Third one...something about him and Satan competing for some musician's soul, and I have the "I've got the horse right here, his name is Paul Revere..", song stuck in my head forever from that.

Sonovabitch...

The history-

HBO.
Especially three.
Three they played...well, they must have wore down a couple copies of the tape, cuz...holy shit....

Heaven Can Wait

The film-

So, here, the Invisible-Sky-Daddy's Cloud Kingdom is portrayed as an inept bureaucracy, on the model of the DMV, as Warren Beatty dies when he's not supposed to, and then gets cremated, so they can't send him back, so they try stuffing him into various freshly dead carcasses to re-incarnate, and wacky shenanigans ensue.

Tch, nope, it pees in religion's eye, and I still don't like Warren Beatty.

The history-

Cable.

The Exorcist

The film-

First, see here.

Now, I didn't wanna get into the spotty theology of this flick at the time, but, fuck it, now's the time, here goes.

William Peter Blatty was/is a Jesus-freak, and he said his motivation for writing this fucking thing, was to rebel against "scientific modernity", and just...(how did he say it?) something to the effect of, he can't bring himself to believe that "all there is is this ballet of atoms, that's just obscene to me".

This is a key feature of the religious "imagination", that gives me no end of consternation.
You don't get to fucking decide what the laws of reality are based on your feelings.

If brute fact says it's atoms, and that doesn't settle with you too fucking bad.

In what other sphere of life is this appropriate behavior?
If a doctor diagnoses you with terminal cancer, do you get your affairs in order, and do the shit you love in your remaining time...OR, do you pretend it isn't happening because "it just doesn't sit well with you"?

And...what's "obscene", about atoms?
What a tremendous lack of imagination that shows.
What, are there supposed to be atom-fairies keeping them going with fairy dust?
How can reality lack something it never had, and therefore never fucking needed?
This is more thumb-sucking baby shit.

So, Blatty, to me, is a fuckin' dunce for saying that.
Sorry, it's that cut and dry for me.
Call me ruthless, whatever.

So, anyway, Blatty's God is a total cockbag in this, and it's no fucking wonder.

He watches a girl literally get violated by a demon, and what is he doing?
Jacking off in the corner, and sobbing?

What, you have to pray hard enough to get this invisible ass-munch to get off his ass, and do something about supernatural forces he loosed upon the planet in the first place?

Oh, and they gotta be the RIGHT prayers, by the RIGHT religion too.

So, yeah, humans have to mop up God's spilled milk, apparently.
Nifty.
What a message of "hope".

And that's how this bullshit was intended.
If there's a Devil, there's a God, so, if we can sell you this visceral scare-tactic demon-possession shit....therefore, Jesus!

And it worked, a lot of dumb people were converted by this crap, and the Catholics ate it right the fuck up.

Now every 5-10 years, we get another shitty rehash possession movie.

Um...people....it's a fucking MOVIE.
It's play-pretend!

Wake the fuck up.
Helloooo? McFly?

Anyway, that's a pattern I notice, every time a God movie is written by his actual real life fan club, he comes off as a total scumbag piece of shit.

The only time he's the least bit likable as a character in fiction, it's when it's by irreverent satirists.
Every fucking time.

All of this said, I do actually dig the film as straight ahead horror.
Really.

The history-

Again, see here.

Exorcist II: The Heretic

The film-

The director of this one hated the first one, and probably for the reasons it makes me uncomfortable, so, it's probably why...it's more of a sci-fi thriller than a supernatural horror.

A weird fucking movie, especially as a followup to Exorcist.

But, over the years, its grown on me.

So, "Satan", becomes "Pazuzu", here, and we get a lot of weird 70's pseudo-science going into the alleged mechanics of everything, and in the uncut version, we get some Linda Blair titty.

We also get James Earl Jones being a badass, which is always peachy keen.

It's a flawed film, that has its charms.

And, we get a finale that actually does kick the demon's ass, instead of the crummy draw from last time.

So, again, what's up with that?
The believer gives half the scoreboard to evil, and the secular guy slam dunks it for goodness?
Weird.

The history-

Cable.

The Exorcist III

The film-

A better crafted film than 2, but, we're back to Blatty's batty bullshit.

Here, God is a total limp-dick, and evil gets to do whatever the fuck it wants.
Up to, and including, indiscriminate unhindered murder.

Well, gee, Billy, a God that impotent may as well not exist.

So, it's back to the atomic ballet after all, and it's a good thing your evil spooks aren't here to assfuck us.
Shit, Catholic Priests are bad enough for that shit, why do we need demons?

See, this is why monotheism tends to depress me.
It just can't behave.
Even in a dumb ol' movie.

The history-

The theater.
Another goddamned disappointment.

History of the World: Part I

The film-

Another irreverent send-up, another gem.
"The Ten Commandments", gets a swift kicking at the beginning.
Thank you, Mel Brooks.

The history-

Cable.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

The film-

Funniest movie on the planet.

God's an ass here, but a funny blithering ass.

The history-

Own this baby.

Monty Python's The Life Of Brian

The film-

Goes after the old Bible Epics with a fuckin' sledge hammer.
They had it coming.

There are STILL churchy people that hiss over this one.
Good.

The history-

Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life

The film-

I dunno, I like this one in its way as much as Grail, I think.

Pretty sure The Churchies weren't too happy with this one either.
*Puts thumb on nose, and wiggles fingers*

The history-

The Blues Brothers

The film-

C'mon, it's Blues Brothers.

Ackroyd's God doesn't make me sick.
All he wants to do is stage a kickass concert.
Nothin' wrong with that.

The history-

Cable.

Wholly Moses!

The film-

Eh, s'okay.
Dudley Moore is back in the saddle.

And this one, like Brian, is a direct taking-on of the Bible Epics.

This ain't as good as the Pythons, or Mel Brooks, but it has some good parts.
(See below)

I pretty much picked this one so's I could end on an up note.

The history-

John Ritter Devil!

Up next, more of these....

Hercules!

2012-01-19T14:00:00.000-08:00

Herc-uh-leez!! Herc-uh-leez!! Herc-uh-leez!!

Lol, oh, shit, yeah, that meme hadda go in there....

Anyhoo, I'd be remiss if I skipped over this fella.

He inspired Hugo Danner, and Superman, and he's even popped up in comics alongside the modern superheroes, so, might as well do his movies.

Hercules (1958)

The film-

Yup, good ol' Steve Reeves.

This one set off a series of like, 19 or so of these things.
All of 'em crammed into the 60's, so, yeah, wow, quite an output there...

The history-

I may or may not have seen this one, or its immediate sequels back in the day, if I did, they didn't stay with me...

Only one that really springs to mind is the one they goofed on in MST3K.
The one with "saaaandstoooorm!!".

Three Stooges Meet Hercules

The film-

Yep, this happened.

Hmm, what happened to this phase in the sequel cycle America?
You had Abbott & Costello meet all the Universal monsters, you had Stooges meet Hercules...

Howcome we haven't seen Jack Black meets Jason Voorhees?
Zach Galifianakis meets Iron Man?
Will Ferrell meets Chucky?
Steve Carell meets Wolverine?

Come on, these are naturals, let's see 'em, Hollywood!

Anyway, I've seen bits of this, and it's pretty fuckin' goofy, and not in a good way....
The real Curly probably coulda saved it.

The history-

Cable.

Hercules In New York

The film-

So, we jump ahead right to the 70's with this one...

...yeah...this is pretty corny.

You gotta be able to switch off every last bit of your cynicism, or be 4 years old, to go anywhere near this one without face-palming.

No wonder Arnold (credited here as Arnold Strong) hates this one, and seeks to bury it.

It IS the only one where Hercules pulls a Beastmaster 2, and comes to our world though....

So, it's got that milestone going on....

The history-

Was always curious to see it, USA Network finally played it one time back in the 90's, ugh, curiosity more than satisfied.

Hercules (1983)
The Adventures of Hercules (1985)

The films-

So, now we're in the 80's, and it's Lou (Hulk) Ferrigno in the role.

The effects are somewhat updated, but, they're still as corny as the Reeves ones.

...is that some kind of one-headed Mecha-Ghidra he's fighting on the first poster there?
Shyeet!

I can't remember if it was part 1 or 2, might be 2, but out of the blue, Zeus looks down on the proceedings, and goes "grow Hercules!! Groooow!!", which he proceeds to do, growing to the size of an apartment, then, off of the Earth, then he turns into a constellation, and the final fight happens in cheesey animation.

Yep, pretty goofy.

The history-

Cable.

The Kevin Sorbo Years
Hercules and The Amazon Women
Hercules and The Lost Kingdom
Hercules and the Circle of Fire
Hercules in The Underworld
Hercules in The Maze Of The Minotaur

The films-

So, yeah, this is what Sam Raimi & Rob Tapert churned out in those post-Evil Dead pre-Spidey years.

And, of course, these lead into the regular series.

Remember when they were part of "The Action Pack"?

D'ya remember any of the other "Action Pack", movies?
Me neither.

Shit, I can barely remember these anymore.
They had all the plot development of a kid playing with figures.

The history-

A co-worker swore up and down these were "Conan", movies.
Couldn't convince him otherwise.
What a frustrating guy...
That's my clearest memory of this whole phenomenon...

Hercules (1997, Disney)

The film-

I always thought this was a deliberate classless thing to do on Disney's part to try to upstage the Sorbo show.
Like there weren't more Grimms they could've stuck to?
Yeah, shitty move.

The Eisner formula was starting to show some wear, this one "underperformed to expectations", if I recall correctly.
Good on 'em.
*Finger*

The history-

All I can remember, is the James Woods Hades.
Don't think I actually watched this, might've caught chunks at Wal-Mart in electronics or something..

Hercules & Xena:
The Animated Movie:
The Battle For Mount Olympus

The film-

Eh...I guess if you were a little kid, you woulda liked this.

This was clearly a response to the Disney salvo.

The early poster even said "The REAL Hercules! The ONLY Xena!".

Anyhoo, animation is cheap, storyline is painful.

Y'know what this is?
This is the new "He-Man/She-Ra Secret of the Sword".

The history-

Think Cartoon Network played it once.
Watched it, cuz I knew someday, I'd write this review.
Really.

Hercules (2005, NBC)

The film-

Best one so far, as it finally sticks to the actual myth, having him kill his family, and have to perform the 12 labors.

Can't help but veer off though, the definitive adaptation has yet to be done.

So, that was the 00's, the 10's have yet to do a Hercules, but they're young yet.

The history-

Cable rerun.

And, that's those.
Coulda done more, as there were a kajillion by Reeves, and his successors, and probably others from around the world, but...eh, didja really care about those?

Nah, better this just be a highlight reel of the overall evolution of the myth.

Speaking of myth...up next..GOD!

More minor patch up.

2012-01-18T12:41:00.000-08:00

D'oh!

Added "The Phantom", to "comic strips to film".

I knew I let something slip my mind on that one....

Bruce Lee!

2012-01-18T12:17:00.000-08:00

Yes, children, an actual super-being walked this Earth.

And, we only got 4 and a half good movies out of him.
You'd think it'd be more, but...nope.

The Green Hornet

The series-

A.K.A. "The Kato Show".

Yes, it was, yes, it was....

They marathon-ed this on SyFy when the movie came out.

Oh! So much better than 60's Batman, it ain't funny.

Foremost, Green Hornet kills.

They ain't gotta put up with a Riddler every week.

The history-

See above.

Fists of Fury

The film-

A.K.A "The Big Boss".

Bruce's breakthrough role.

The one where he does the hypnotic hand rotations that gets parodied in other stuff.

The history-

The legend of this one (and it's acted out in the biopic) is that the premier audience was dead silent, and audiences in Hong Kong usually aren't, and Bruce thought that meant they hated it, and he tried to skulk out, but then the credits came up, and everyone cheered, and carried him around.

The Chinese Connection

The film-

A.K.A "Fist of Fury", not to be confused with Fists of Fury", but I don't fuggin' see how not.

Bruce must avenge his master, and we get some "star belly Sneetches", behavior among the Japanese vs. Chinese.

Also, Bruce's "teeeacheerrrr!!!!!", meltdown over his dead master gets spoofed in "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka".

The history-

You can watch this at Hulu!

Return of the Dragon

The film-

A.K.A. "The Way of the Dragon".
Released stateside after Lee's death as "Return...", to market it as a pseudo-sequel to "Enter the Dragon".
Whatever....

The history-

This is the one where he kills Chuck Norris.
*Happy smile*

An atheist making mincemeat out of an evolution-denying fundie-Christian.
You're damn right I cackle at that scene every time.
'Specially with all this goofy Norris worship going on on the 'net lately.
B-)

Enter The Dragon

The film-

Considered by many, if not most, to be his masterpiece.
Well, it gets the double-disk treatment when the rest don't.

Sadly, he died before he got to see it released.

This is the one where all the Bruce Lee visual references are typically pulled from.
Him with the nunchucks.
Him with the scratches on his chest.
Him fighting in the hall of mirrors.
All that stuff, in this flick.

Also, the one with John Saxon (Nancy's dad) as Ken to Bruce's Ryu.
*Looks it up* Roper, right.

Also, also, Sammo Hung and Jackie Chan debut in this.

The history-

Only one I've really seen all the way through.
Something I've got to amend.

Game of Death

The film-

He intended this to be his masterpiece, but....he died midway through, and there have been various sloppy cuts of it to "finish", it, and Herculean quests for lost footage, and yeah...hasn't worked out as far as being his vision.

It's the one where he fights Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Good fight.

And, the one where he wears his yellow track-suit that gets copied in "Kill Bill".

The history-

These four little flicks inspired an entire industry, well, several.
Karate schools, martial arts films, parodies, thousands of pop culture references, hundreds of video games, Bruce Lee is all over the friggin' place.

China even finally recognized him with a statue, and a million hour miniseries.
Well, not million, but it was pretty meticulous....

Guess I better also throw in...

Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story

The film-

The aforementioned biopic.

It's a nice little movie, even though it dances a disturbing tightrope in playing up the whole Bruce/Brandon "death curse", bullshit.

Critics seemed to like it.
Got nominated for some little awards.
Jason Scott Lee puts in a great performance....even though he looks nothing like Bruce Lee...

The history-

Cable.

Sorry, wish there was more.
I ain't alone.

Up next....whelp, the list is chipping away....how 'bout Hercules?

A Big Bushel of Bond

2012-01-17T14:15:00.000-08:00

I was gonna try to work these in during the buildup to Christmas, but damn, those non-Marvel/DC superheroes really exploded into a more daunting chore than I thought it would be, whole thing got away from me for a helluva while, then there was no time left to squeeze in much else.

AND, when I was gonna do Bond then, I was gonna "make it easy", for myself by cutting it at least in half, if not thirds, but...look at the ones I ended up doing that had 20-something to 30-something anyway....

So, screw it, let's just plow right through these...

Dr. No

The film-

Oriental guy with primitive robot hands, island base that gets blowed up, Ursula Andress walking out of the water, you know the drill.

These are the ones that built Connery's reputation, and why dames still get wet over him even though he's an old fart now.

The history-

Pretty much seen all these on TNT, or SyFy, or AMC, or Spike marathons.
Pretty sure I've seen 'em all, some I remember better than others.
I'll do my best...

From Russia With Love

The film-

Mnh....can hardly remember this one.

Only that it really wasn't as good as Goldfinger, or even Dr. No.

The history-

Ditto Dr. No.

Goldfinger

The film-

Fuckin' awesome.

This is really where the franchise became itself.
Particularly with the opening themes, and animations.

Huh, huh, Pussy Galore....heh.

The history-

Double ditto Dr. No.

Thunderball

The film-

Fuck yeah, the one with the rocket pack!

And the song by Tom Jones.

Does he fight a shark in this one?

Details are fuzzy...dammit.
Too many of these things....

The history-

Triple ditto Dr. No.

You Only Live Twice

The film-

Um...yeah...this is the one where Bond gets made up to look Japanese, and they try to teach him how to be a ninja....yeah, I couldn't get into this one, and bailed, too silly.

Although, I seem to recall it ending in a nice explosion riddled melee like Dr. No...

The history-

Quadruple ditto Dr. No.

Casino Royale (1967)

The film-

The parody with Peter Sellers.

You can shoehorn it into continuity if you want.

The gimmick is, Sellers is the real James bond, and when he retired, he lent his name and double-o number to the guy we know from the first 5 bond flicks.

Then, he lends his name to a whole crowd of people as a smokescreen, and hijinks ensue.

Woody Allen is the villain.
How prescient.

This clearly inspired bits of the Austin Powers flicks.

The history-

Quintuple ditto Dr. No.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

The film-

Poor George Lazenby.

The first one without Connery, and people were already whining about that, then...well, I'll spoil it...

Bond falls in love, gets married, and gets widowed.

Audiences didn't want him to get married, and they didn't want him to have his heart broken, cuz that made him vulnerable, they wanted him to be a Machismo-Superman forever, and just having a down ending when he'd had an unbroken record of being hands-down victorious rubbed people the wrong way...all of that.

It was a visceral knee-jerk thing, and then wonder why suits think movie audiences are babies and dummies.

Screw you people, I like it.

There's lots of little nods to the first five, so it respects what came before, it takes bold chances, instead of rehashing the same old shit, I think it's a nifty little flick.

But, Bond fans sent the message after this they wanted rehashes, so...there you go.

S'how we got 10 virtually identical fuckin' Jason flicks.
Same fuckin' mentality.

The history-

Sextuple ditto Dr. No.

Diamonds Are Forever

The film-

So, "Her Majesty...", flopped, and the scumbags and dipshits heaped the blame on poor George, so, they upturned bucketloads of money over Connery's head for him to come back one last time.
It worked.

And having him back worked, people lapped this up at the box office, even though it's pretty forgettable.

I do like the opening teaser where he drowns Blofeld in boiling mud, and goes "welcome to Hell, Blofeld".

So, that at least acknowledges needing to get revenge for the end of "Majesty..".

The history-

Septuple ditto Dr. No.

Live And Let Die

The film-

Ah, the first Roger Moore.
The one I grew up with, so, I guess he's "my Bond".
Hey, I coulda done worse.

So, you got Yaphet Kotto for a villain, you got inter-racial hanky-panky, you got Paul McCartney doing the song, not too shabby.

Dunno why fans accepted Moore, and not Lazenby...guess the style of flick really matters...

The history-

Octuple ditto Dr. No.
Still wasn't born yet to see these.

The Man With The Golden Gun

The film-

A rehash of "Dr. No", but for my money, it's more betterer.

Famous for having that spiral car jump that they did for real, but plotted out on a super computer.
They don't do shit like that anymore.
They really fucking don't.
They would just do it ON a computer now, and you'd know it was fake, and you'd feel absolutely nothing.

You also got Christopher Lee, and Christopher Lee makes anything awesome.

And, Herve Villachez as a henchman, you can't fucking beat that with a stick.

The history-

Nonuple ditto Dr. No.
Still wasn't born.
Although, could swear I saw this on cable in the 80's before the modern marathons of 'em.

The Spy Who Loved Me

The film-

Yep, for number 10, they really went all out.

The poster says "biggest", and "best", and....I'd say that holds up to this day.
I'm hard pressed to think of ones that top it.

The best Moore one for sure.

The history-

Decuple ditto Dr. No.

Moonraker

The film-

The one with Bond in space.

Yeah, everyone was tryin' to compete with Star Wars.
The thing mutated Hollywood like an A-bomb.

I dunno, I get a kick out of it.

What was so implausible?
The lasers?
There've been lasers in Bond since Goldfinger.

The scale of the space station?
Guess what? A hollowed out volcano would actually co$t more.
If you swallowed volcano bases, ya better shuddup and accept the space station.

Now, if Bond used The Force, then you could cry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Bond is about lush locations, and bikinis, all right, fine...
"Keep it the same! Keep it the same!".
*Sigh*

The history-

Undecuple ditto Dr. No.
I was born, but not really conscious of these.
All my early budding nerd energies were used up on 'Wars.

For Your Eyes Only

The film-

I can't remember anything about it, and the reviews I dig up to jog my memory keep calling it "forgettable", so...I guess it is.

The history-

Jeez, totally doesn't apply if I can't remember the fuggin' thing, huh?
I remember the theme.
That's it.
I know all the themes.

Octopussy

The film-

Um...I remember the theme ("all time high") I remember the name (duh) I remember the broad, I remember Lois Jourdan as the villain...

The middle bits haven't stayed with me...sorry...

I do remember the whole country becoming a giggling elementary school boy over the fucking title.
*Eye roll*
Yes, it was funny for 15 minutes, let's move on....

The history-

Okay, this one, I was sentient, and it came to HBO a year later.
So, this is where I actually start to remember these.

Never Say Never Again

The film-

Came out the same year as "Octopussy", and that had to be cool for fans.
How often does that happen with a franchise that you get double-decker sequels from two studios?
Pretty damned unprecedented, and as far as I know, un-repeated.

So, this is a remake of "Thunderball", but, people didn't seem to mind so much.
See my rant on rehash-itude in "Majesty's..".

All I can remember, was the guy getting a spear-gun in the dick, and, hot damn, the broads in this!
Those 80's broads!
Sss, those 80's broads, man!!

Yeah, I dig this one.

The history-

Pretty sure this was on HBO too.

A View To A Kill

The film-

The last Roger Moore, and it's pretty good.
You got Grace Jones doing her whole crazy thing, you got Christopher Walken as a villain, you got Duran Duran doing the song.
Very 80's.

The history-

Definitely an HBO.
This is the very first one as a kid I paid attention to all the way through.
I was 10, my neural networks were finally starting to solidify, "grownup stuff", didn't look like static anymore, and yeah, I kept up with this one, and really dug it.

Between that, and how much it drips with 80's pop culture, this one feels like "my", Bond film.
I'm sure everyone's got one.

The Living Daylights

The film-

The first Timothy Dalton Bond.

I liked him.
He played him darker, like the Bond of the novels, which is exactly the take Daniel Craig took, and got applauded for.

I guess "people weren't ready".
*Eye roll*

Aren't you just sick to death of people "not being ready"?
I fucking am.

They "weren't ready", for a new Bond with Lazenby, they "weren't ready", for darker takes with Lazenby, or Dalton, they "weren't ready", for the formula to change...but then they got sick of the formula, but you couldn't change it...

Fuck it, soap box time, expand it out further than fucking movies.
People "weren't ready", for racial integration.
People "weren't ready", for lesbian kisses on TV.
Unh, just every fucking thing.
Every fucking thing is "we're not ready, ehh hehh hehh!!".

Well, shit, 200 fucking years, and people "aren't ready", for gay marriage, or an atheist president.
It's pathetic.
It's fucking pathetic.
It's infantile, it's pathetic, and...I don't get why I'm on the hook to "respect", it.
No one bothers to walk me through that.
Then I'm the fuckin' bad guy for ranting my rants.
I dunno....

What kind of mental-infant population are we dealing with here?

I thought there were fucking adults in charge of this world, I guess not.

Maybe that's why Bond appeals, at least you can dream for two hours that someone with his big-boy drawers on is taking care of business.
(See how I contorted that back on topic? Pretty damned good, huh?)

The history-

I don't think we had HBO anymore, cuz I missed the Dalton ones until the modern basic cable marathons.

License To Kill

The film-

Wow, now this one was darketty-dark-DARK!

Bond vs. Scarface, essentially.

And it plunged right into the forbidden-ness of "Her Majesty's Secret Service", by bringing up Bond's dead wife by having the same shit happening to his buddy, and him going into full bloodthirsty Punisher revenge mode.

I love it.

That's the kinda fucking Bond I wanna see.

But no, they chickenshitted, and let it lie fallow for 6 fuckin' years.
Tch...
Goddamned bunch of babies.

The history-

Ditto Living Daylights.

Goldeneye

The film-

So, when Bond finally came back, it came back with a big fucking bang.

This is easily on the short list for best Bonds ever.

Brosnan's Bond is great, he deliberately makes his a blend of Connery, Moore, and Dalton.

But, it's perhaps more remembered for the video game of the same name.
That thing's a legend for a generation, and it's recently been re-released with new tweaks.

The history-

Saw this one on Showtime.

Tomorrow Never Dies

The film-

I personally think this one might actually be better than Goldeneye, and for me, the peak of the Brosnan Bonds.

Michelle Yoh is a luminous being, I can't get enough of her.
She's fucking awesome in everything.

And you're hard pressed to do better than Jonathan Pryce as a villain.
Our real life moguls are exactly as scary, so it puts a chill in your fucking blood.

The Sheryl Crow song is okay, but I thought the K.D. Lang one on the end credits should have been the opening theme.
Whomever's call that was, it was the wrong one.
Just was.
Neener.

The history-

Saw on DVD.
Have the soundtrack.
Dunno why, glad I do.

The World Is not Enough

The film-

Meh....
They lost their way.

I like the Shirly Manson song though.

The history-

Back to basic cable.

Die Another Day

The film-

Pierce wanted to take this one in the direction Daniel Craig ended up taking it.

They made him do this Madonna-laced Lucas-esqe video game cutscene instead.

It was a critical flop, and a box office "disappointment", and they blamed Brosnan, and fired his ass from any more Bonds.

Then, they get Daniel Craig, and let him reboot it in the style Brosnan wanted to do it in to begin with.

I can't decide of they're idiots, fucks, or both.

The history-

Can't bring myself to watch it.

Casino Royale (2006)

The film-

Everyone's raved about it, I gotta sit down, and see the thing.

I have seen the famous opening leading into the theme, and that much of it is fucking awesome.

For the rest, see again my rant on "Die Another Day".

The history-

See above.

Quantum of Solace

The film-

Haven't heard many good things about this one.

The history-

N/A

Skyfall

The film-

Not made yet.

The history-

N/A

Well....if I'm gonna include the 60's "Casino Royale", I may as well toss in...

Austin Powers:
International Man Of Mystery

The film-

The movie that saved the 90's.

The history-

Rental.

Austin Powers:
The Spy Who Shagged Me

The film-

From here...

Not quite as inspired as the first one, but still a worthy flick to mention.
After a couple stinkbombs, Mike Myers was finally on a good roll.
These, the Shreks, ain't nothing bad about being Mike Myers.

Also, the Brits lost their shit over the title.

Hey, dummies, remember when you sent us "Octopussy", back in '83, and we tittered, but didn'ty cry?
Are you ashamed?
Are ya?
Hmnh?
Whaddya think Connery-Bond would think of ya now?
Yeah.
*Arms cross, nods*

The history-

Rental.
Bought the first two as some of my last VHS-es.

Austin Powers: Goldmember

The film-

Weakest of the three, but hey, ya got Michael Cain.

Hey, thanks for the great times, Michael Myers.
You did a good job.

The history-

Got it on DVD, gotta upgrade the other 2...

Aaand, THERE.

Up next....how about Bruce Lee?

Let's do the Star Treks...

2012-01-16T16:36:00.000-08:00

Did Star Wars, and Infestation has popped up all over the place, and I've done Ghostbusters, and Transformers, and G.I. Joe, so, may as well finish off that continuity intersection with Trek, eh?

So, here we go...

Yeah, I totally had to toss that in to go with the Bill Murray Star Wars song.

Okay, now for the flicks...

Star Trek The Motion Picture

The film-

I've grown to appreciate it more as I've gotten older...but it still puts me sound to sleep if I watch it late, or in the dark.

Structurally, it's a total ripoff of "2001: A Space Odyssey".
It was even marketed that way, one of the early posters says something like "a 23rd century odyssey", or somesuch.

I still like it though.
The most cinematic of the Trek films.
Lot of the others are just big budget episodes.

Refit Enterprise is still my favorite Enterprise, very NASA-y, looks like if you gave 'em a trillion bucks, they could really go out and build it.

Still love my copy of "Mr. Scott's Guide To The Enterprise".

So, yeah, I dig this one.

The history-

Before my crummy neighborhood finally got cable, my grandparents were the first ones in the family to have HBO, and I saw Treks 1 and 2 a buncha times in bits and pieces over their place.
(Yep, same grandparents as the Alien/Blue Lagoon story)

I wasn't too into Trek at the time, so I didn't register it as much as I could've.

Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan

The film-

The best one.
Duh.

Started the "even numbered ones are the best", A.K.A. "the Star Trek curse", deal.

Course, Nemeshits shattered that.

But hey, even "the Red Socks curse", broke, didn't it?

The history-

See TMP, HBO, grandparents...

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

The film-

Yeah, this gets a bad rap, just because of the whole "odds and evens", bullshit, but as said above, that's fucking dead now, let's move on.

Christopher Lloyd is fucking great in this, he helped establish the modern Klingons, and doesn't get enough credit for that.

The death of the Enterprise is a pretty important event in the Trek timeline that can't be shrugged off.

It's got the "I!! Have had enough!! Of you!!", line.

It introduces the Klingon Bird Of Prey.

Introduces The Excelsior.

It introduces the modern space-dock.

All kinds of gravy in this one.

"Weaker than Khan"?
I'll grant you.
Still a good film.

The history-

This one completely missed me somehow, until I collected them all on VHS.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

The film-

A.K.A "the one with the whales".
It's kinda doomed to be that in the popular vernacular, isn't it?

I mean,...yeah...you COULD do just the even numbered-s, and go from "Khan", to this one, and the flashbacks and throwaway dialog could bare-bones get you up to speed....but you really would be missing out skipping "Spock".

Nope, the "only watch the even numbered-s", thing is bullshit, you can't do it.

Khan/Spock/Voyage are "The Genesis Trilogy", and that's it.

And, it rivals the fuggin 'Wars trilogy, as far as I'm concerned.

And, it holds up to the ravages of time better, especially taking the Lucas CG assrapes into account.

The history-

First one I saw at the theater, it totally got me into Trek.
This, and the premier of TNG.
Went back, and caught up on the TOS reruns, got the Compendium, and the Mr. Scott's Guide, later on, collected the first 4 flicks on tapes, just plunged headlong into it.

I've seen 'em all in the theater ever since, never miss one.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

The film-

I go back and forth with this one.

Sometimes, I outright loathe it, other times, like now, I appreciate its charms.
Oh, don't get me wrong, it still stinks overall.

The good....

The Yosemite park stuff.

The bit with Bones's dad.

"I need my pain!!".

And of course "what does God need with a starship?".

It's the most like a big screen TOS episode, even being the only one of the film series to open with a teaser.

The theme is a reprise of the TMP theme, making it the only one to have some musical continuity.

Much as I love TVH, the score stinks, this had better music for sure.

I dunno, I've excised this from my personal canon for a long damned time, but...with it in canon, Kirk is the guy who said "what does God need with a starship?", and without it, he isn't.
I gotta say, I like the timeline better where he is.

The bad....

The bits of the Yosemite Park scenes that make Chekov and Sulu look dumb...

Uhura feather dancing.

Scotty knocking his noggin.

Spock's eyebrows.
Shaved off, and penciled back on?
The makeup person needs a smack.

The "meh"...

I complained last time I viewed this, about Spock being lame compared to his TOS self...but...I see now, in Nimoy's portrayal across 3,4,5,6, and 11, that um...yeah, between his mindmeld with V'Ger, and his reincarnation, he's reconciled his emotions, and gained a sort of zen serenity, so...I call TOS Spock "Einstein Spock", and post-TSFS Spock "Yoda Spock".

TFF Spock is consistent with "Yoda Spock".
It's just the script that sucks.
So, I forgive Nimoy now.

The "hmmm..."

Heard the theory somewhere, that the really bad inconsistencies, like the center of the galaxy, and the Enterprise having 75 decks, can be swept under the rug with "it was all Kirk's dream".

The clue is the whole "life is but a dream", deal being reiterated throughout.
They really never left the camp site, y'see.
Kirk was just sleeping off McCoy's beans.

The history-

So, anyway, yeah, I'm contemplating finally upgrading this to DVD now....I gotta see the extras, just for the insights of the making of this thing.

Especially Shatner's commentary track.

Oh, and SyFy went on a tear of endlessly repeating Nemeshit for awhile, and...Final Frontier looks like fucking Van Gogh next to it.

I also find it...well..fascinating, that the most least loved Classic Treks are the one that most represented what Trek/Gene most pretentiously nerdily aspired to (TMP) and the one that most lovingly represented what the show actually was (TFF).
The debate will rage for centuries, I'm sure.

Oh, also, took my grandmother along to this one (the CB grandmother) she kept blurting shit out throughout.
Like, you see an owl at the camping scenes, and she goes "ol' swivel-neck!".
We never took her again.
Haha!
Ahh, good times...

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

The film-

A.K.A. "Star Trek: The Apology".

Yep, kicked ass, was a more graceful passing of the torch than "Generations", took it back to the feel of TWOK, good flick.

Lent credence to the "even numbers", thing though.

The history-

Funny thing, was shooting the shit before the trailers and shit in the theater about Sulu being the most under-used guy, and BAM, flick stars up, he's captain.
Awesome.
Neatest movie surprise ever.
True story.

Star Trek: Generations

The film-

Big screen TNG episode, and a weak one.

"All good things", was a better movie than this.

Fuggin' Braga admits in the commentary they actually conceptualized the full on crossover we wanted to see of the two Enterprises fighting, and...everything.
But...they thought it would be "too obvious", and "going through the motions", and thought it would be "brainier", to have it be this slow story about contemplating death...and then he flat out said "we don't really know what we were thinking, if we had it to do over...".

Yeah, thanks...

Ah, well, you can patch it up with the novels, I guess...
But...you need this for the continuity for those still...

The history-

Persuaded myself I liked it, like with Phantom Menace.
*Sigh*

Star Trek: First Contact

The film-

A.K.A "The Only Good TNG One".

Yep, I'd put it up there with the other good even numbered-s....

The history-

This is as old now, as TWOK was when they started calling it a classic.
So, it's a classic.
Cool.

Star Trek: Insurrection

The film-

*Grumble*

Tch...well....

The cinematography and the locations are beautiful...
Best location stuff Trek has probably ever done.

Frakes directs as well as in FC, so I don't blame him.

It's got some good ideas....I can't help but think that a good Trek movie is buried in there if you could just re-edit it, or something.

But, what we end up with is like, not just an episode of TNG, but one of the bland forgettable ones.
Like, remember the shitty Doctor Crusher based ones? Or, the shitty Troi based ones?
Or, the ones that revolved around children in some way?

Yeah, like that.
"The filler episodes", I called 'em.
They retroactively put one of "the filler episodes", in the fucking theater.

Un-fucking believable.

Um, I think it comes down to, and this is brutal, that TNG cast weren't meant to be movie stars.
TNG just doesn't do "epic", the way TOS could.

The history-

Really had that sinking "Phantom Menace", feeling walking outta this one.
Ooof.

Star Trek: Nemesis

The film-

Wrong.
Just all wrong.
Everything.
Wrong.
No.
Bad, movie, BAD.
BAD franchise killer!

The history-

Forget "Phantom Menace", this was like walking out of "Arachnophobia", (see my Princess Bride story).

Star Trek (2009)

The film-

Love it, or hate it.
It's pretty evenly divided.

I'm just glad to have Trek back in the saddle in any capacity.

The history-

Theater I went to had potheads lighting up.
Really?
Y'can't leave the dope alone for 2 fucking hours?
That shit reeks, and implicates you. Gosh, thanks.
Do acid at a sci-fi movie, assholes.
Then you aren't infringing.

So, that's the "official", Treks, but I count these too...

Forbidden Planet

The film-

Seriously, watch this back-to-back with "The Cage", it clearly inspired Trek so much, it isn't funny.

Swirly pointy badges, guns that atomize, a landing party visiting an eccentric scientist, ancient technology, Robby has a "chemical factory", in his chest that amounts to a replicator in all but name, various other forms of matter conversion that add up to the transporter, even if they don't directly use one..on and on...

Hell, just the look of the thing.

Yep, Leslie Nielsen was the first Captain Kirk.
No two ways about it.

This is to Trek what "Gladiator", is to Superman.

It's in MY canon.
Why ain't it in yours?

The history-

Cable.
Own it.

Galaxy Quest

The film-

The custodians of "real", Trek neglected to give us a fun Trek movie in the 90's, so the makers of this took it out of their hands.

Thank you!

The history-

Nicely's rental.
Wish now I'd seen it at the theater.

Yeah, while I'm here, let's do the shows too...

Star Trek

The series-

The classic.

The DVDs of this are the closest thing I have to a Bible.
This, or my leather bound "Hitchhiker's Guide", quintology.

The history-

The reruns have always been on...but, my neighbor was one of those who was whole-hog into it, and got the 'zines with the gay fanfic and shit...so...that deterred me.
That made it look like "that show that makes you go crazy".

Thankfully, the local Fox affiliate cycled them all through again when TNG came out.
Caught up to 'em there.

And, I still maintain fanfic sucks.

Star Trek (Animated)

The series-

Season 4 of TOS as far as I'm concerned.

Look, the cast is in it, Gene Roddenberry and D.C. Fontana produced it, TOS writers wrote for it, 5 of the episodes are sequels, and Paramount is making a buck on it again with the DVDs.

"Canon debate", over.

*Pulls phaser*
I said over.
Sit down.

The history-

Nickelodeon reran these about the time Fox was playing TOS.
Loved 'em.
Good times.
Own these now.
Natch.

Star Trek: The Next Generation

The film-

Hasn't held up so well....

Like I said above in "Insurrection", lotta crappy filler episodes.

Whenever it's on, and it's Troi, Crusher, or children, I change the fucking channel.

All the very best ones are in those "fan collective", sets.
Get those.

Don't buy the filler.
You'll only regret it.

The history-

Was total apeshit for this when it was brand new.
Now...tch...eh.

A big factor, I think, was fantasizing about having those computers to play with...well, now, Google and Youtube are the fucking library computer for real.
Watching some assholes play on the the internet is no big thing now.

There has to be something HAPPENING now, like, Borg or something.
That's why those big event episodes are about the only ones that hold up.

Shit, TNG's "magic computer bails us out", episodes are the Abby scenes in NCIS now.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

The series

The best one since TOS.

Possibly the best period.

The history-

Um...I recall it having a hard time winning me over at first, but thankfully, I stuck with it.
I guess I was addicted to that safe cozy utopia of TNG.

Now, looking back, it's so much better than TNG it ain't funny.

Star Trek: Voyager

The series-

Mostly reheated TNG rehashes.
Least good of the bunch.

Although, I gruelingly combed through the episodes once, and it actually has about the same percentage of good, bad, and "meh", as TOS did.

The history-

Man, I was really Trek-loyal, I got through this whole damned show.
All 7 fuckin' years.

Enterprise

The series-

Lot of wasted potential, not enough time to find its way.
Creators were too burnt out, they should have handed it off to Manny Coto sooner.

And, the Xindi arc never should have happened.

Temporal Cold War never should have been in it.
Fuggin' Braga and his heroin addiction to time travel.

But um...yeah, it did some good ones.
John Billingsley and Jeffrey Combs were great.
Liked it over all.
Better than Voyager.

The history-

Like Voyager, I hung in there.
I'm stubborn.
Ayep, then Trek was good and dead until Abrams-verse...tch..

So, there, that's Roddenberry-verse.

Up next...um..again, I dunno.

Also, Happy (Belated) Harry Hembock day!!

2012-01-16T09:11:00.000-08:00

Crap! Also forgot! Friday (the 13th) was Harry's 23rd birthday!

Knew something was nagging at me...

Well, I marked last time as a holiday, so I'll see it when I hit that button, and won't forget anymore....

Happy MLK day!!

2012-01-16T04:29:00.000-08:00

Everyone, fire up your Boondocks season one DVDs, you should know the episode without me having to tell you.

I agree with Aaron McGruder, we needed an animated MLK day special, and this is it.

Post 1000!!!

2012-01-15T11:24:00.000-08:00

Dystopia Flicks Part 2 was post #1000!

Dystopia Flicks, Part 2

2012-01-15T10:45:00.000-08:00

That was part 1, now, part 2...

1984

The film-

The grandaddy of them all.

The history-

Haven't seen it though.
One of those ones you always hear about, but never get around to.

Brave New World

The film-

Eh...*wavey hand*

So, yeah, this um, is where the whole "Alpha", thing came from that got injected into our political/public discourse, and got picked up by strutting meat-heads.

Surely not the author's intention, I'm sure...

The history-

Saw once on Sci-Fi Channel.
Yeah, there was actually a time before they got obsessed with churning out z-grade monster movies.

The Time Machine

The film-

A classic.
And, definitely a Dystopia.
Okay, maybe this is the grandaddy of them all...

The history-

Seen all my life on one classic movie channel or another.

Soylent Green

The film-

As said before, in combination with "Omega Man", and "Planet of the Apes", makes up Chuck Heston's Dystopia trilogy.

Great stuff.
Well, chilling, but you know what I mean.

Reality inches more towards the dark 70's stuff all the time...

The history-

See The Time Machine.

Logan's Run

The film-

Speaking of dark 70's ones...

Yeah, this isn't even science fiction anymore, this is MTV's business model.
Hell, the whole recording industry has picked it up.

The history-

See Soylent Green.

Rollerball

The film-

The grandaddy of stuff like "The Running Man".
What with the theme of games and mass media having sway on the populace, and all.

So, in this one, political disputes are resolved by deadly roller-derby.
Ah, if only.
And by that, I mean roller-derby being popular on television.

The history-

They did a shitty remake of this.
It was called "Robot Jox".
Hahahaha!
Ahhh....

Death Race 2000

The film-

Came out the same year as "Rollerball".

Eh, this one is more satirical fun.
Lotta film snobs thumb their noses at it.
Screw them, I think it's a hoot.

And hey, you got a pre-Rocky Stallone in this!

The history-

See Logan's Run.

Zardoz

The film-

Pretentious and weird.

I like it.

I miss movies like this.

When they go for pretentious and weird these days, you don't get "Zardoz", you get "Inception".
It's just not the same.
It's just...not...the same..
:-(

The history-

Eh, only seen it a couple times, must buy someday though.

THX-1138

The film-

And with this, George Lucas's career was born.

Don't you miss this gloomy, subversive, rebellious, transgressive George?
Boy, I sure fucking do.

Yes, kiddies, this is where Unca' George got the name for the theater sound system.

"1138", also pops up as an easter-egg in other Lucas flicks as far back as Star Wars.

Anyway, the plot is basically a mish-mash of "Brave New World", and "1984", but, it has its own style.

The history-

This used to cycle more on cable.
Now, you're lucky if TCM plays it once every 5 years.
*Grumble*

Dune

The film-

Well....Lynch probably did as well as a human being possibly could to cram the novel into a 2 hour flick.

But....without knowing the novel like the back of your hand, you'll definitely be lost, at least on the first viewing.
Takes a few times through to get this.

It's...all right, the performances are good, the casting is pretty decent, looking back, it's a very strange confluence of events that a film this weird even exists.

It took a lot of liberties, to be sure.
Like, the whole "weirding module", thing isn't in the book at all.
They took one little throwaway line out of the book literally, and ran with it.
Maybe some studio suit thought Dune needed a gimmick like Star Wars's lightsabers, I dunno...

As far as Dystopia, well, an unstable top-heavy form of government addictively reliant on a volatile rare natural chemical resource of a hostile nation?
Where have we seen that before...hmm....

The history-

HBO.
Hey, didja know Lynch was on the short list to direct "Return of the Jedi"?
Now that would have been interesting.

Brazil

The film-

Another spooky totalitarian Orwellian government.
This time, Terry Gilliam style.

He (Gilliam) claims that this, along with "Baron Munchhausen", and "Time Bandits", make up a thematic trilogy.

The theme being "the dreamer".

Okey-dokey..

The history-

Y'know, seen this in pieces, but never all the way through....

The Running Man

The film-

D'oh, I shoulda had this, and "Commando", in the Arnold section of "Action Heroes".

Yeah, this one's pretty merciless on the whole gameshow mentality.
Which, at the time, was pretty garish.
Still a grim chuckle to watch.
I'd put it next to "Death Race 2000".

The history-

Conventional gameshows are essentially dead, if we ever had a "Running Man", style future happen now, it'd look more like "Survivor".

Amazed to this day no one's taken a bad spill, and gotten killed on that thing yet.

Shit, amazed no one's killed for ratings yet...
Tch, well, I think "reality", TV has shown The Dark Overlords that people are just as happy to watch bland, dull, listless, mediocrity-reality, like dwarves trying to get pregnant, and religious cultists having no problem at all shitting out 18 kids, or a guy baking cakes.

I think that's where that future frittered away to.

*Laughs*
So, there you go, TLC saves lives!

They Live

The film-

Need I say more?
Need I...say more?

The history-

Saw this in the theater.
Didn't like it at the time, wasn't hip to the satire.
I've since fallen under its spell on cable, indeed anything Carpenter, and I kick myself.

12 Monkeys

The film-

Another Gilliam.

His bleakest one yet.
Well, "Brazil", is pretty fucking bleak too, but cutened up with his "dreamer", thing.
This, not so much.

The history-

Nicely's rental.

A.I.

The film-

Famous of course, for being "the lost Kubrick film".

I would have rather have seen his "Napolean", but...there you go...

The history-

Rental. Meh.

Gattaca

The film-

Barely fucking science fiction.

We've got fucking diseased people out there right now who stubbornly think the world represented here would be a wonderful thing, and tirelessly labor to make it so.

Look upon it, and despair.

The history-

Cable.

Idiocracy

The film-

Not EVEN science fiction, a fucking documentary.

The history-

Cable.

Minority Report

The film-

Oh, they'd make this come true if they could.

Thankfully, quantum mechanics simply won't allow future prediction.

But if it could, you'd be living this nightmare right fucking now.

They'd do it of they could, they'd do it if they...COULD.

The history-

Seens bits of it.

A Scanner Darkly

The film-

Another gloomy, paranoid, totalitarian super-surveillanced police state.

And, an ending as depressing as "Brazil".

Good though.
Good cast, CG rotoscoping is interesting.

The history-

Based on a Philip K. Dick book.
Yep, the Bladerunner guy.

Serenity

The film-

Firefly the movie.

S'okay, I liked the show better.

Don't think non-fans of the show even bothered with this, did they?

The history-

One of the very last Nicely's rentals.

Wall-E

The film-

From here...

A post-apocalyptic film for children.
That had to be a hard sell.

But damned if it ain't one of the best films I've seen, period.
The 00's had a lot of those.

The history-

Got the DVD of this kicking around somewhere, keep forgetting...
I gotta watch it again.
Hopefully, without choking up this time.
Dammit.

Gamer

The film-

Eh, seems silly to me that such a world (gamers controlling cons as war puppets) would come about, but if you plopped some of today's gamers INTO that world, I've no doubt they'd gleefully take right to it.

The history-

Philip never did review this for me.

Ah, well...

The Futurama Movies

The films-

Excellent, hilarious, pretty good, and okay.

Well, Futurama is fun, for US, but...they really are in a Dystopia when you stop and think of it.
Robot Nixon for President, suicide booths, Soylent Green, killer Robot Santa, Mom, lotsa hideous stuff.

The history-

So, this retroactive sorta-season filled the yawning chasm between Fox moron scumbags cancelling the show, and the show coming back with regular episodes on Comedy Central.

I dunno why resurrecting this show took an act of fucking Congress, but it did, and it was just as fucking slow.

Yep, we waited as long for this as the Trekkies did between TOS and the movies, I think...*counts fingers* yep, exactly as long.
So, stow your martyrdom, boomers.
We went on that ride too.

Probably lots more...but I think I got all the good ones...

Up next...I dunno....

Dystopia Flicks

2012-01-14T21:16:00.000-08:00

All right, so, I did Halloween, Thanksgiving, X-Mas, New Years, took a little break, now it's back to these babies.

Time to finish off the leftover dregs of my big master list I did all these off of.
Without a holiday deadline, I can take it a bit easier...

Escape From New York

The film-

Well, they keep trying to get a Duke Nukem movie going, but...Duke is essentially a Snake & Ash hybrid, plopped down in well...post-apocalypse New York, essentially, so....THIS is Duke Nukem the movie, children.

Netflix it, and fire it up, you're good to go.

The history-

The real 1997 was a big steaming non-event compared to this, eh?

Um...well, Radiohead released "OK Computer".
There we go...

Escape From L.A.

The film-

Um....lacking...yeah...there we go.

Well, it's got good bits...the ending is nice and grim....but...basically, it's a note-by-note rehash of the first one...but not as good.

...and with 90's CD-ROM level effects. Especially on that wave. Bleh.

Well....you can see the layer to it where Carpenter is doing a satire on the bullshit of Hollywood, but....yeeaah, it's not enough to carry it.
I wanted to like it on that level, I really did.
Ah, well...

The history-

They should have done Snake's assault on Fort Knox.

The Warriors

The film-

From here...

Waaariooorrss, come out and plaaaay-aaayyy!!!
Wow, I saw this 5 years or so ago, and it clearly inspired every side scrolling street fighting video game like Double Dragon, Final Fight, Narc, etc.
They even did a Warriors game fairly recently.
Very ahead of its time.
Jaw dropping in its prescience.
Very cool.

The history-

See above.
Plus, I have it now, and have watched it like, 5 more times.
It's fucking great.

Oh, do NOT get the "director's cut", it's a George Lucas level butchery.

Equilibrium

The film-

Silly.
Bale is good in it though.

Yeah, I said in the Ultraviolet review I wasn't gonna do this one, but...eh, seemed "off", to ignore it in this category.

The history-

Cable.

Daybreakers

The film-

Eh, it's a good premise.
Vampires rule the world, and they're out of blood?
Nice.
Kind of the end-game for the whole vampire thing if they ever won, someone finally did the follow through.
A bit of a parallel to human beings too.
Haven't seen it.
You folks tell me, any good?

The history-

N/A

Planet of the Apes

The film-

Yeah, the REAL one with Heston, dammit.

Accept no muthafuckin' substitutes.

The history-

Come on, this one is as ingrained as the Rankin/Bass specials.

Beneath The Planet of the Apes

The film-

I love this one better than the first one, actually.

They up the ante on everything, and I think it works.

That rare Empire Strikes Back type sequel that tops the first.

The history-

Ditto the first one.

Escape From The Planet of the Apes

The film-

Yeah, this is my favorite.
The one where Cornelius and Zira come back to our time.

This is real biting true Sci-fi.
Not space-western shit, real heavy message stuff.
Human condition type stuff.
Can't believe these got made.
Wonder if you could do 'em now...

These first three are a perfect trilogy.
And hey, Ricardo Montalban!
Star Trek crossover!

The history-

Ditto the first two.

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes

The film-

So, the time-loop starts to come back together, the apes take over, in an obvious allegory to the race divide, and race riots, so....it was still heavy, but...the budget cutting was starting to show.

From 3 on, it was all downhill.

The history-

Ditto the first three.

Battle For The Planet of the Apes

The film-

And the nuke war has happened, and the time loop back to Apes 1 is complete.

The character stuff is good, the social commentary and philosophy is still decent, but man...the suits were really tightening the purse.

The history-

Ditto the first four.

Planet of the Apes (2001)

The film-

Meh.

Say, how messed up was the precarious bestiality vibe between Marky Mark, and the Helena Bonham Carter monkey, eh?

The history-

Saw it at the theater.
Mnh.
*Shrug*

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

The film-

Friends have said it's good, but...it's a remake.

Had it up to here with these fuckin' remakes, man.

The history-

N/A

A Clockwork Orange

The film/history-

Well, the state controlling your mind is pretty totalitarian, so, I guess that counts....

See here.

Robocop

The film/history-

A world run by corrupt corporations?
Totally counts.

See here.

Judge Dredd

The film/history-

See here.

Surrogates

The film/history-

See here.

Tank Girl

The film/history-

See here.

Aeon Flux

The film/history-

See here.

Ultraviolet

The film/history-

See here.

V for Vendetta

The film/history-

See here.

Demolition Man

The film/history-

A world where PC and advertising won? Most definitely dystopia.

See here.

Bladerunner

The film/history-

See here.

Anything where the zombies/mutants/vampires have fully taken over.

See here.

Eh, that's a good batch, but, up next, part 2 of these.

Okay so....

2012-01-13T21:48:00.000-08:00

....that's the end of those.
(Society rants, I mean)

Like I said during the overview of 2011...

I ranted some more about how everything that ever made me miserable doesn't exist, it's just some ideas some fucking unimaginative morons came up with.
I gotta do this some more, it's fun.

So, I did that in the form of "MORE "There's nothing To Know"", and, now that's done.

And, it WAS fun.

This time, it concluded better, it feels like a complete comedy concert to me, and not a sputtering out.
So, that feels good.

So...checking that off on the list....

Oddly enough, what gave me the shot in the arm to do the sequel, was reading "Gladiator".

Philip Wylie laid right out what always made me sick about people in vivid detail, it was like Superman meets a Carlin/Twain rant, I fucking loved it.

I took a lot of heat, and sniping from friends about that first batch of those rants, and that may have taken the wind out of my sails, and made me wind them down...but "Gladiator", told me I was on the right fucking track.

It really fucking jazzed me in a way nothing has in a helluva fucking while.

Not only was someone thinking the shit I was thinking 80 years ago, but it was the inventor of the superhero!

I grow up thinking Superman was the first super-guy, and that Harry wouldn't be allowed in his little club...then I find out it's Hugo Danner, and that Hugo and Harry would have gotten along like a house on fire.
It literally rewrote history for me.

It's been a nifty couple of weeks.

See? And I wouldn't have gotten that, if I hadn't done all those reviews.

So, yeah, fuck it, let's do some more of those!
Reviews, I mean.
I got a bushel left I didn't get to do by Christmas and New Years, how about I kill the list?
All righty then!

More "There's Nothing To Know", The Collection

2012-01-13T21:21:00.000-08:00

Eh, let's gather these....

First, the original "There's Nothing To Know", series.

And now...

Friday The 13th!

2012-01-13T06:24:00.000-08:00

Y'know what that means!

Jason awakes from his long nap, and delivers candy!
...unless you're smoking joints, or screwing, then he'll kill you.

So, here's The Jason reviews again.

(And, a Chainsaw crossover in here)

More "There's Nothing To Know", Part 10

2012-01-12T11:44:00.000-08:00

The way out.

Ain't one.

I mean, if our "purpose", on this planet was to breed, and now we're over-bred to the point of ridiculousness, only two reasonable options remain.

Genocide, or space.
No one's stepping up to die, so, we gotta go out into space.

Don't hold your breath.
We ain't going anywhere.
Ranted about that here.

Arthur C. Clarke agreed with me, but he was nicer about it, cuz he had to play politics, or get burned as a witch, and he's dead now.
All my heroes are fucking dead people.
*Sigh*

So, I dunno, go listen to Katy Perry, jack off, and wait out those remaining 4 or so decades for the reaper to claim you, I guess.

Me, I'm instinctively compelled by my hobbies.
And, we've got this internet thing, so, that gives me a teensy weensy speck of hope we're going in the right direction.
And, I get to write this blog on it, and that's "my special work".

Get to feel "useful", for nanoseconds at a time.

Which, is healthy, any more than that, you're delusional.
S'not good for people.
Look at Donald Trump, y'know?

You only need nanoseconds.
Hope, "meaning", "purpose", all that crap, you don't need it constantly, just a little boost of it like your morning coffee to get you through your day.

All these fevered egos running around, they're self-esteem junkies.

I guess that's the message I wanna leave you all with.
Don't be a junkie, and don't make life miserable for the lifeforms in your vicinity.
I know, it's hard, cuz there's so little elbow room left on the planet, but...try, wouldja?
Wouldja just try?
All right.

Just because the species is a doomed failure, doesn't mean we have to be miserable as we go out.

Lotta room for enjoyment between then and now.
Let's not fuck it up.

More "There's Nothing To Know", Part 9

2012-01-11T19:38:00.000-08:00

The feelings barrier.

Mentioned that one here.

Said there was nothing to know about it, but, let's dig into it to kill it once and for all.
Tie it back to this other stuff.

From the last one...

No, what "I'm feeding my family!", says, is "...FEELINGS!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!".

Well, you run into that with just about all of this awful fuckin' stuff.

Knock down the dumb, fake, lip-quivering, sniffle-voiced, self justifying, circular arguments, that's all there fuckin' is.

"Whence the transcendent?".

"Feelings!! Leave me alone!!".

"Why conformity?".

"Feelings!! Leave me alone!!".

"Why separate social rules for different people? And whence the criteria?".

"Feelings!! Leave me alone!!".

"Why THESE particular social rituals? Why THESE particular drugs? Why...".

"Feelings!! Leave me alone!!".

And when you finally break all that dumb shit the fuck down, it's finally "it's just LIFE!! Live it!!".

Or, they'll soap-opera it up a bit, into "it's what you DON'T do!!".

Nothing like pretending vague is deep to feed that fucking ego, huh?
Oh, yeah, why that?
"FEELINGS!"

Tsst, "life".
Fuck off.
I get along just fine without boring, annoying, stupid, bullshit.
Haven't died yet of it.
Why, I'm...alive!
Fancy that!
*Checks*
Yep! Still!

And, um, fuck your feelings.
They suck.
What a dumb awful world of greed, annoyance, and death they've made.
Every disaster on the news is someone's goofy fucking FEELING.

9/11 was a fucking feeling.
A big giant baby tantrum squawk written in flame, and ash, and carcasses.
Aren't you so fucking impressed?
No?
Well, now you know how I feel.

So, let's dig right into this feelings barrier.
What are they feeling?
Insecurity.
It's really "I dunno, I'm dumb, there is NO answer, stop making me FEEL bad about it!".

And, that's the point where, if you keep pushing, they'll....kill ya.
Why do you think there's a death penalty for smartass teenagers in the fucking bible?
Hmm? Yeah.
Or, how about when Socrates was made to drink hemlock?
This shit's been going on for a long fucking time.

Dumbasses don't like smartasses.

Even the Bronze-Age-God wants ya stupid.
Good and!
Flat out says so in black and white.
Hey, leaves no room for vagueness for me.

And this shit can't NOT break down, cuz the fucking WORLD breaks down.

Whence all this insecurity?
Existential angst of being part of a meaningless herd, I guess.
Go figure.

Frankly, I'm GLAD it's all fucking meaningless.
Pressure's off.
Phew.

My cloistered weirdness is as valid as your goddamned loudmouthed booze-ups.
Take your goofball notion of what "life", is or "the way things are to be", and cram em, sideways, without lube.
Lemme know how it FEELS.
Sure it'll be fucking interesting.